Life After Thirty
by WildDogJJ
Summary: At age fifteen Quinn was a shallow, popularity obsessed fashion diva. At thirty-five she's a wife, mother and successful YouTuber. A look at where they all are now, inspired by the EW article and a direct sequel to "Quinn". See Lawndale today. Some things are different while some thing never change.
1. Child Disservices

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nelltes

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. This gives way to Daria receiving a notice that she's been hired by NBC, which cuts to a shot of her moving into a New York apartment. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **created by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **this episode:**

 **"Child Disservices"**

 **Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

The outside of the house looks no different from when we last saw it eight years ago. The only thing that's different is the cars in the driveway. Quinn now drives a white 2014 Cadillac CTS sedan while Jim now drives a blue 2016 Camaro ZL1. Inside the house is more modern furniture and childrens toys. The family dog is now a beige greyhound with black stripes named, what else, Stripe (Storm having died of old age recently). Quinn is in the kitchen baking a cake. A tripod mounted camera captures every minute. She takes the cake out of the oven and begins to frost it, speaking to the camera as she does.

"And...viola! A perfect chocolate cake. Now, lets see how Sandi's doing."

Later, she's in the backyard patio with the camera. Sandi has been sunbathing with a cake batter mask. Quinn removes the dried batter from Sandi's face and hands her a mirror. Sandi is pleased with the results.

"Wow, Quinn! Chocolate cake batter can be used as an exfoliant!"

Quinn said "Duh, Sandi."

She now faces the camera.

"Join me next time for another exciting addition of Smores 'n' Pores, cooking good while looking good."

Quinn shuts off the camera. Sandi now frowns.

"I can't believe I risked an outbreak to prank your viewers."

Quinn said "Well, no one takes my makeup tips seriously so what's the harm? This is more about comedy anyway. Did you have fun?"

Sighing, Sandi said "No."

She takes a small bottle of vodka out of her purse and downs a shot. She then looks at her wedding ring.

"I can't stop thinking about...Joey."

Quinn said "Sandi, I'm sorry." She notices the ring. "You're still wearing the ring!?"

Sandi said "I ...I can't help it. I love him so much."

Quinn reminded her "He was cheating on you with a barely legal slut. You've been divorced for nine months now. You need to move on."

"B-but what if he still loves me and comes back?"

Quinn rolls her eyes knowing how unlikely that is to happen.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the basement...**

Jim, Chuck, Mack and Kevin are in the rec room drinking beer and talking. Mack is talking about his latest sexual conquest.

"...so I finally gave her a fake number and she left. Why do they get so clingy?"

Jim said "Maybe you should've told her from the get go that it was just a booty call."

Kevin decided to change the subject.

"I, like, heard this guy on the radio say climate change is, like, a communist lie."

Chuck deadpanned "Was his name Rush Limbaugh?"

Kevin scratched his head in thought.

"Uhhhh...I don't know. Anyway, I say let the climate change. We can, like, grow oranges in Alaska."

In a sarcastic tone, Jim said "Great idea. There's just one problem, we live in New Jersey."

Kevin said "So?"

Chuck said "So, if it's warm enough to grow oranges in Alaska how warm do you think it'll be here?"

Kevin looks confused.

"I dunno."

The other three guys roll their eyes.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Lewis Elementary School...**

The school looks like Lawndale High in miniature. At the playground, the first graders and fourth graders are at recess. Among the fourth graders is nine year old Charles Ruttheimer the fourth, or Chucky as he's more commonly known. Chuckie looks like his father except that his red hair is long and shaggy and his face is always expressionless. Among the first graders are triplets Tommy, Timmy and Teddy Carbone. They are Quinn and Jim's sons. All three have red hair like their mother, but cut short. Tommy is skinny and active looking while Timmy is overwieght. Teddy has Tommy's build but wears thick rimmed glasses similar to those once worn by his aunt, Daria. While Tommy is showing off his yo-yo skills to an impressed crowd that includes Timmy, Teddy is sitting on a bench reading "Heart of Darkness".

"Wow!" exclaimed the other kids in unison as Tommy wraps his yo-yo around the top of the jungle jim. Chucky walks by. He looks at Teddy, sitting alone and reading. He then looks at Tommy and Timmy. In an apathetic monotone, Chucky said "You're brother's weird." With that, he walks off.

"Tommy, why is Teddy reading by himself?" asked a brunette girl.

Tommy said "He's just weird, Quinn."

The girls name is Quinn Ruttheimer. She's Chuck and Stacy's daughter. Changing the subject, she said "That trick was so cool, Tommy."

Tommy said "Duh!"

At this point, three other first graders walk up to the crowd. Two of them are big, strong boys with dark hair and facial expressions that indicate they're not too bright. Their name's are Al and Lou. The third boy, who's obviously the leader while Al and Lou are his followers, is dressed in designer clothes and walks with a regal strut. His facial expression is a cocky grin. He has brown hair and green eyes. His name is Shane Sloan. He's Tom Sloan's son.

"Hey," said Shane, "You know, yo-yo tricks are for babies."

Timmy said "But, Tommy's not a baby."

Pointing at Timmy's plump form, Shane said "I wasn't talking to you, Titty."

Timmy covers his chest. He's sensitive about the man-boobs.

Shane continued "You wanna see something cool? Check this out."

He picks a small pebble off of the ground and throws it at the bench where Teddy's reading. The sound of the rock hitting the bench disturbs Teddy's reading. He looks up and sees Shane laughing. The other kids join in, including Tommy and Timmy. Teddy rolls his eyes and resumes reading. Shane picks up another pebble and hands it to Tommy.

"Try it."

Tommy looks doubtful, which Shane notices. In a condescending tone, he said "Come on, Tommy. Aren't you cool?"

"Yeah, I'm cool."

Smirking, Shane said "Prove it."

Without any hesitation, Tommy throws the rock at his brother. Teddy looks up and narrows his eyes menacingly at Tommy. When he resumes reading, Shane picks up a third rock and hands it to Timmy.

"Come on, Titty. Give it a try."

Nervous, Timmy said "But, what if I get in trouble?"

Tommy said "Come on, Timmy. I just threw one."

Shane snarked "I feel sorry for you, Tommy. One of your brothers is a brain and the other is a fat chicken with boobs."

Tommy, fearing a loss of status, said "Come on, Timmy. Don't be a wuss."

Timmy hesitates. All the other kids start chanting.

"THROW IT! THROW IT! THROW IT!"

Feeling the pressure, Timmy throws the rock. It hits Teddy square in his right eye and breaks his glasses. The other kids cheer. At this point, Chucky walks by again. He speaks once again in an apathetic monotone.

"You broke your brother's glasses."

* * *

 **A few hours later...**

Quinn is driving her Cadillac from the optomotrist's office. All three of her boys are in the back seat. She's not happy because she just had to get new glasses for Teddy, who now has a black eye.

"How could you do that?," she angrily said, "Throw a rock at you brother like that."

Timmy said "Shane Sloan said it was cool."

Teddy deadpanned "Well, then it must be cool."

Quinn shakes her head. Teddy had his aunts anti-social tendencies and her sarcasm.

"Shane's not cool."

Tommy said "But, he can do anything he wants."

Quinn said "That doesn't make him cool, it makes him a spoiled brat. Now, about your punishment."

Timmy protested "But Mom, Shane never gets punished."

Quinn said "Well, you are. The cost of you brother's new glasses is coming from your and Tommy's allowances."

Tommy is now livid.

"But I didn't break his glasses."

Quinn said "You participated in the rock throwing, that makes you just as guilty."

"But, Mom..."

"No buts, you two."

Tommy and Timmy sigh. Quinn pulls the car into the parking lot of Food Lord.

"I need to get some things. Come on."

The three boys follow Quinn out of the car.

* * *

 **Inside Food Lord, a short time later...**

Quinn is talking to a stock clerk.

"Excuse me, but where's the dog food?"

The stock boy, a scruffy looking teenager, said "Um...What?"

Quinn said "Dog food."

The stock boy said "Do we even carry pet food?"

Losing her patience, Quinn said "You work here, so you should know."

The stock boy said "Whatever."

He puts ear buds on and listens to his IPod at peak volume.

"HEY!" Quinn barked, "I'd like to speak to your manager. HEY, DON'T IGNORE ME! I'M A CUSTOMER!"

A couple of women overhear Quinn yelling at the stock boy.

"That's the 'Smores 'n' Pores' girl. She sure has a temper."

"Make's you wonder how one of her boys wound up with that black eye, doesn't it."

Another customer overhears. He pulls out his smart phone.

"You are not gonna believe what I just heard."

* * *

 **Over the next few days...**

The Lawndale rumor kicks into high gear and the rumor spreads across town like a wild fire. Each retelling of the story becomes more outlandish.

"I heard Quinn Carbone beat up a grocery store clerk after giving her son a black eye."

"Have you heard? Teddy Carbone is so anti-social because Quinn beats him up."

"I heard that Quinn beats her kids with a steel chain."

"Apparently, Quinn and Jim like to torture their kids by beating them with lead pipes."

"One time, Quinn's husband threatened to report her to the police and she nearly choked him to death."

"I heard Quinn tried to drown all three of her boys in the pool."

"Did you hear? Quinn Carbone tried to kill her kids."

"I heard that she molests her boys too."

"Quinn put one of her kids through a window face first."

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's house, day...**

Quinn and Jim are watching TV. The doorbell rings. Quinn said "Who could that be?"

She and Jim both answer the door. Standing there is a very skinny man with red hair, a button shirt with pocket protector and a clip board.

"Hi," he said in a nasally voice, "I'm Artie. I'm with Carter County Child Protective Services."

Quinn and Jim both gasp.

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's Living Room, a short time later...**

Artie is interviewing Quinn and Jim. He said "Some disturbing anonymous reports came in about how both of you, Mrs. Carbone in particular, treat your children. I've been tasked with conducting an investigation."

Quinn said "This is ridiculous. We don't abuse our children."

Looking at Jim, Artie asked "How would you describe your wife's conduct toward the boys?"

Before Jim can answer, Quinn said "I don't abuse my children in any way, shape or form."

Artie said "Mrs. Carbone, please. Let your husband talk."

Jim said "We don't abuse our boys."

Artie said "How do you discipline them, then?"

Before Jim can answer Quinn said "That's none of your business!"

Artie said "This is a child services investigation to determine if you and your husband are fit parents. That makes it very much my business. Second, I want to hear you husbands side of the story first."

Quinn folds he arms and rapidly loses her patience. Jim said "Well, you really need to ask Quinn that."

Suspicious, Artie said "So, you're afraid to speak your mind in your wife's presence?"

Offended by the insinuation, Quinn said "Now, hold on..."

Jim interrupts Quinn, saying "I'm not afraid of my wife. It's just that my own father was no prize as a parent and I'm afraid of repeating his mistakes. To that end we agreed that Quinn would be the primary disciplinarian and I'd follow her example."

"I see," said Artie. Turning his attention to Quinn, he asked "So, how do you discipline the boys?"

Quinn said "When they misbehave we take away toys and privilages."

Artie said "So, you're saying you don't hit them. What about spanking?"

Quinn said "I don't believe in corporal punishment."

Artie, not buying it, said "So you say. How would you describe your children?"

Jim said "They're good kids. Sure, they get out of line once in a while, but what kid doesn't."

"I see."

Quinn said "Jim, honey, maybe I should handle this."

Artie said "How would you describe your children individually?"

Jim said "Well.."

Quinn interrupts him.

"Tommy is very outgoing and makes friends easy, so I guess he takes after me. Timmy follows Tommy around and wants to be like him, he takes more after his father. Teddy, on the other hand, is a loner who prefers reading books to socializing with others his age. He takes after my sister."

Artie said "So, the one you gave a black eye reminds you of your sister. Is it possible you're projecting sibling rivalry onto him?"

Offended, Quinn said "That's ridiculous. Teddy got a black eye because other kids threw rocks at him the other day at school."

Jim added "Sure, she and her sister had their issues growing up, but they get along great now."

"Jim," Quinn hissed, "Lat me handle this."

(They really have turned into Helen and Jake.)

Artie finally said "Here's what I think based on this interview." Reading aloud from his notes, Artie said "Quinn is a control freak who projects hostility onto her husband and children. Jim suffers from insecurities about his masculinity which his wife takes full advantage of as he abdicates all responsibility for the children and blindly follows Quinn's lead. Quinn clearly favors Tommy and likely leaves Timmy alone since he follows her favorite. I believe this has resulted in Teddy being abused physically as an outlet for the lingering hostility Quinn feels toward her own sister."

Jim angrily said "That's asinine! Your assessment couldn't be farther from the truth if it tried."

Artie said "Mr. Carbone, please. Now you're projecting hostility. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that I believe this is a very unhealthy home for children. The good news is that I don't have enough evidence to legally remove your kids and will have to conduct further investigations. In the mean time, I suggest you only show positive emotions. No raised voices, no arguments, and no stern lectures."

Quinn said "No stern lectures! Are you kidding me!?"

Artie said "It's detrimental to their self esteem. You want to keep your kids, you need to make this a healthier home. Validation, not discipline. Have a nice day."

With that, Artie left. Quinn and Jim are now seriously worried that their kids might be taken away from them.

* * *

 **Kevin and Brittany's house, a short time later...**

Artie is now interviewing Kevin. He figured that since Kevin and Brittany live right next door they might be able to tell him what he believes Quinn and Jim won't.

"So, Mr. Thompson, how long have you known the Carbones?"

Kevin said "I've known Quinn since high school. I met Jim when he and Quinn first started dating right after she finished college...I think. It's kind of a blur."

Artie said "I see."

Kevin said "You know, I was the QB back in high school."

Artie looks skeptical due to the fact that Kevin now has a huge beer gut and wears a Philadelphia Eagles cap to hide his baldness. At this moment, Brittany walks by in a form fitting dress that shows off her still fit yet curvy body.

"Kevie, Daryl's here?"

Kevin said "He's driving you to the gym? What a nice guy."

Brittany said "He's great! Don't wait up for me, babe."

"Long workout?"

Looking guilty, Brittany said "Um...Yeah."

"Cool."

* * *

 **Outside, a short time later...**

 **Music:** "Callin' Dr. Love" by Kiss

Brittany hops into Daryl's car. Her large, handsome, muscular black personal trainer said "Ready for some sex cardio?"

Brittany said "You bet, my big, black stud."

They kiss passionately.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, inside the house...**

Kevin is being interviewed by Artie. Artie asked "So, you've never seen Quinn or Jim abuse their kids?"

Kevin said "No, but don't take my word for it. My youngest kid is friends with all three of those boys. KEVIN JUNIOR, COULD YOU COME HERE A SECOND?"

Six year old Kevin Thompson Junior walks in. The first thing one would notice about the boy is that he's black...just like Daryl.

"Hey, Dad. What's going on?"

Kevin asked "Have you ever seen Mr. or Mrs. Carbone hit their kids?"

Kevin Jr. said "No. Mr. and Mrs. Carbone are really nice."

"Thanks. See, I told you."

After Kevin Jr. leaves, Artie asked "Is your youngest adopted?"

Kevin proudly proclaimed "Nope, that boy's my flesh and blood. I actually produced a black kid. Pretty cool, huh?"

Artie rolls his eyes as it's obvious Kevin really believes that.

* * *

 **Later, at Chuck and Stacy's house...**

Artie is now interviewing Stacy and Chuck. Stacy said "Are you crazy!? Quinn loves her boys more than anything."

Artie said "That's not what I saw. I saw an environment toxic for healthy children."

Chuck said "We're over there all the time. They love their kids."

Artie said "Are you sure?"

Stacy said "I'm an investigative journalist. If those boys were being abused I'd definitely pick up on something."

Artie accused "Or try to cover up for a friend."

Stacy is VERY offended by the accusation.

"How DARE you question my personal and professional integrity!"

Chuck angrily told Artie "I think you'd better leave!"

* * *

 **Sandi's house...**

Artie is now interviewing Sandi, who is nursing a bottle of scotch.

"So, you've never seen anything suspicious?"

Sandi said "No. Quinn and Jim would never do anything to hurt their kids."

"I see."

At this point, Artie notices the wedding photo of Sandi and Joey.

"Is your husband around?"

Sandi said "You mean EX-husband, who ditched me for a skanky piece of jailbait?"

Artie said "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, Joey was a jerk. Thing is...I..."

She's about to cry. Artie said "It'll be okay."

Regaining her composure, Sandi said "Thank you. By the way, are you single?"

Artie, who can't believe a still hot (despite the drinking) Sandi would want a geek like him said "Um, Why?"

Sandi grabs Artie's shirt. He can smell the scotch on her breath. She said "You don't understand. I...I'm...I'M SOOO LONELY!"

She sobs uncontrollably. Artie is now so freaked that he shoves her off of him and runs away.

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's backyard, the next day...**

Timmy, Tommy and Kevin Jr. are playing with action figures while Teddy is in a corner reading "Animal Farm". Kevin Jr. holds up a figure that looks like a samurai with metal spikes in his armor. Imitating a deep, menacing voice, Kevin Jr. said "Now, you accursed turtles will die."

Tommy holds up a turtle figure with a red bandanna while Timmy holds up one with a blue bandanna. Tommy, in a fake New York accent, said "That's what you think, Shredder."

They make the figures play fight. Timmy called out "Hey, Teddy, wanna join us?"

Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "No, I have better things to do than play with toy turtles."

"Weirdo." said Tommy.

Kevin Jr. said "Speaking of weird, this dork showed up at our house the other day. He thinks your parents hit you. Do they?"

Tommy said "No way."

Timmy said "Our Dad told us his Dad used to hit him, but he'd never hit us."

Tommy added "Yeah, and Mom never hits us either."

On the other side of the fence Artie walks by. The only words he hears, however, are "Mom" and "hits us".

"I knew it!"

* * *

 **Later that day...**

Quinn, Jim and their three sons are having dinner. Tommy decides to act up.

"Why do we have to eat vegetables?"

Quinn said "Because they're good for you."

Teddy has already finished his vegetables. He said "They taste like shit."

Quinn sternly said "What have I told you boys about using that kind of language?"

Nervous, Jim said "Um, Quinn, the investigation. We can't punish them. We can't even yell at them."

Quinn now looks frightened. She calmly said "You know, I don't like that kind of language."

Teddy said "Yet you won't let us express ourselves."

Tommy said "That means I can say piss, and f%&$!"

Timmy added "So, I can say c&%# now?"

Quinn looks ready to loose it, which Jim notices.

"Honey, child services investigation."

Quinn immediately calms down.

"Now that you mention it, you boys can say whatever you want from now on."

Teddy has a Daria like smirk. The doorbell rings. Quinn said "I'll get it."

She answers the door. It's Artie. He looks determined.

"I want to speak with all three of your boys, right now."

Quinn looks absolutely terrified.

"Boys, could you come here for a second."

All three boys respond to their mother's call. Artie asked "How are you boys?"

Tommy said "We're good."

With a smug grin, Teddy said "Mom won't let us say certain words at the table."

Taken aback, Quinn said "I don't want my kids swearing! What's wrong with that?"

Artie said "You forbid your children to express themselves!? What kind of mother are you!?"

Quinn now silently seethes with rage while Artie turns his attention to the boys.

"I know that your parents mistreat you. Would you like to come with me? I'll take you out of this toxic environment and place you in a nice, loving home."

Now, Quinn loses it.

"YOU'LL DO KNOW SUCH THING!"

Ignoring her, Artie said to the boys "I know your mother beats you and I know you can't express yourselves honestly in front of her. I'm here to put you up with a decent family."

Jim, having heard the commotion, approaches and asks "What's going on here?"

Artie said "I'm taking your kids and placing them in foster care."

Quinn, channeling her inner Helen, said "Do you have a court order?"

"No."

"Then you aren't taking my boys anywhere."

Artie said "It's for their own good, Mrs. Carbone."

Jim gets right in Artie's face.

"You have no legal grounds to take our kids away."

"But...but..."

Jim said "Leave, or do we have to call the cops first?"

Artie said "This isn't over. I'll get the court order and then those kids will safely be taken away from you monsters."

Quinn shouted "GET OFF OF OUR PROPERTY!"

Artie backs away.

"YOU TWO ARE OUT OF CONTROL!" he said as Quinn slammed the door in his face. Quinn and Jim now exchanges worried looks. The three T's, on the other hand, are now thinking of all sorts of ways to take advantage of the situation.

* * *

 **Carter County Department of Children and Families, Downtown Lawndale, the next day...**

Artie is seated in his supervisor's office. His supervisor is none other than Jodie Landon. She's reading his case file.

"So, you found no evidence of either physical, emotional or sexual abuse yet still recommended the triplets be forceably removed from the home. Care to explain?"

Arty said "Well, Ms. Landon, the parents are clearly unbalanced."

Skeptical, Jodie said "I see. Do you have any hard evidence, or is this just a gut reaction?"

Artie said "I interviewed friends and neighbors of the Carbones. I think the Ruttheimers are covering for them. Mr. Thompson is so clueless he isn't even aware that he's raising another man's son and Ms. Griffin is a drunken nympho."

Rolling her eyes, Jodie asked "And how does this indicate that Quinn and Jim are abusive parents?"

Artie said "They keep toxic company. That can't be good for the boys."

Growing more skeptical, Jodie said "I see." She looks at the case file. "I notice that they explained Theodore's black eye by saying he was hit by another kid at school. How is Janet, by the way?"

Raising an eyebrow, Artie asked "Who's Janet?"

Jodie said "She's a first grade teacher at Lewis Elementary. Janet Henderson. She's an old friend of mine."

Artie starts to look nervous, which Jodie notices.

"You did interview the kids teacher, didn't you?"

Shaking, Artie said "Um...No."

Raising an eyebrow, Jodie asked "Did you interview anyone at that school?"

Artie nervously said "I...Well, I didn't think it was necessary."

Jodie said "So you recommended extreme action when the only evidence is hearsay and your own imagination."

Artie sweats profusely, realizing he just botched things big time.

Jodie said "Unfortunately, this isn't the first time you've recommended breaking up a family without any evidence. What makes you think the kids are being abused?"

Artie said "I can't prove it, but I know in my gut that they are."

Rolling her eyes, Jodie said "Despite what our current President says, in this country it's still innocent until proven guilty."

Artie said "No one believed me about the aliens, either, but I know the truth. You have to believe me about this."

Jodie is NOT impressed.

"Artie, I'm afraid I have to let you go."

Artie gulps.

* * *

 **Quinn and Jim's house, that evening...**

Teddy is sitting at the kitchen table reading "Paradise Lost" when the phone rings. He answers.

"Hello?"

On the other end of the line, Jodie said "Hi, this is Jodie Landon from Child Protective services. Are either of your parents available?"

Thinking fast, Teddy lied.

"No, can I take a message?"

Jodie said "Just tell them that the investigation's over and we're satisfied that you and your brothers are not being abused. Also, we apologize for the inconvenience."

"I will, bye."

"Bye."

With that, they both hang up. Quinn comes in the kitchen.

"Who was that, Teddy?"

"That was Child Services, Mom."

Quinn turns white as a sheet.

"Wh-What did they say?"

Thinking fast, Teddy said "They're satisfied that Tommy and Timmy aren't being abused, but they think I am. They want to keep an eye on us a little longer. They told me to report any mistreatment to them so that they can respond immediately, and they have a warrant to take me away if that happens."

Hugging her son, Quinn said "Oh, Teddy, I'd never hurt you. I promise to be a better mother from now on. Anything you want you can have."

Teddy smirks.

 _Why should my moron brothers have all the fun. Let's see how Tommy and Timmy like being ignored._

* * *

 **Over the following week...**

Teddy monopolizes his mother's attention every chance he gets. The first thing he does is call his brothers a couple of retards at dinner. At first, Quinn gets angry.

"Teddy, you apologize to your brothers right now!"

Jim said "Quinn, investigation."

Teddy said "That's right, Mom. You have to let me express myself or they'll take me away."

Quinn softened and said "I'm sorry, Teddy. You can express yourself freely."

"Thanks, Mom."

"HEY!" said Tommy.

Timmy whined "That's not fair."

Teddy smirks.

Later, Tommy and Timmy are fighting over a toy. When Quinn tries to break up the fight Teddy called out "Mom, I wanna show you what I drew in art class today."

Quinn called back "I'm busy. Can it wait?"

Teddy said "I guess you want Child Services to take me away, then."

Quinn sighs as she let's her other two sons fight while giving her undivided attention to Teddy.

Later, Tommy is complaining to Teddy "Why are you hogging Mom's attention, freak?"

Teddy called out "MOM, TOMMY CALLED ME A FREAK!"

Quinn arrives.

"Tommy, you apologise to your brother right now."

Tommy grudgingly said "I'm sorry."

Teddy then called Tommy a dumbass.

"Mom, Teddy just insulted me."

Quinn, believing Teddy can have child services take him away if she disciplines him, said "You brother has a right to express himself. They won't take you and Tommy away like they'll take Teddy away."

Teddy smirks. It went on and on for a whole week. Teddy has his parents convinced that he can make abuse claims and be taken away if his parents don't give him preferential treatment. Tommy and Timmy resent being left out while Teddy hogs all of Quinn and Jim's attention, but they're powerless to do anything but complain. Teddy has Quinn and Jim over a barrel and he knows it. Or so he thinks...

* * *

 **The end of the week...**

Jim is in the home office doing some paperwork when the phone rings. He answers.

"Hello?"

On the other end of the line, Jodie said "Hi, Mr. Carbone?"

"Speaking."

Jodie said "Jodie Landon, Child Services. Last week I called to tell you and your wife that the investigation was called off but one of your kids answered. I just wanted to make sure you got the message."

Jim said "I did." _Now._

Jodie said "All right. Once again, sorry for the inconvenience. Bye."

With that, Jodie hangs up. Jim is now upset.

* * *

 **Teddy's room, a minute later...**

Teddy's room doesn't look like a normal six year old boy's room. There's a bookshelf full of reading material much too advanced for a first grader while the walls are covered in posters of Kafka, Mark Twain, F. Scott Fitzgerald, George Orwell and many other literary greats. Teddy is sitting on his bed reading a copy of "The DaVinci Code" when his father enters.

"Teddy," said Jim.

Looking up from his book, Teddy said "Yes, Dad?"

Jim said "I just got an interesting phone call from child services. They said the investigation was called off last week."

Teddy immediately gulps. He is sooooo busted. Jim angrily continued "How could you lie to us like that? Do you have any idea how worried sick your mother and I have been?"

Jim immediately snatches Teddy's book from him.

"HEY!"

Jim said "That's for making fools out of us. Why did you do it, anyway?"

Teddy said "I didn't do it to be mean, honest."

Jim asked "Then why did you?"

Teddy said "Because Mom pays way more attention to Tommy and Timmy than she does to me. I just wanted to be loved as much as my brothers."

Softening his demeanor, Jim sits down next to his son.

"Teddy, your mother loves you and your brothers equally. We both do."

Teddy said "Mom pays more attention to Tommy and Timmy because they're normal. I think she thinks I'm a weirdo. I just figured if she thought I'd be taken away she'd pay more attention to me. I'm not like other kids, I know, but I can't help it. I can only be me."

Jim immediately goes from being angry to being sympathetic. He understands exactly where Teddy's coming from.

* * *

 **The Master Bedroom, later that evening...**

Jim is sitting up in bed while Quinn lays down looking like she's being crushed by the weight of the world.

"It's so hard," she said, "When we decided to have children I never once thought we'd be in a situation where they could be taken away from us on a whim."

Jim said "Well, you can rest easy. Child Services called today. The investigation was called off over a week ago."

Quinn immediately sits up.

"WHAT!?"

Jim said "Teddy lied when he said they would take him away if he reported us."

Absolutely livid, Quinn hissed "I'm gonna kill him."

Jim said "Relax, Quinn. I took his latest book away as a punishment."

Noticing how calm her husband is, Quinn asked "How can you be so easy going about this?"

Jim said "Because I'm less concerned with what Teddy did and more concerned with why he did it. He thinks you love his brothers more than you love him."

Quinn said "That's crazy!"

Jim said "To be honest, you do spend more time with Tommy and Timmy than you do with Teddy."

Quinn said "That's because Teddy's so smart and he's a loner. I just assumed he didn't need or want as much attention."

Jim explained "Well, he thinks you don't care about him because he's different."

Quinn said "That's crazy, Jim. I love all three of our sons equally."

Jim said "I know that, but does Teddy? As intellectually gifted as he is, he's still just a little boy."

Quinn immediately calms down and looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Pizza King, the following evening...**

Quinn and Teddy are seated at a table having pizza. Teddy said "This is great, Mom. Thanks."

Quinn said "Teddy, your father told me how you lied about us still being under investigation."

Teddy looks worried, which Quinn notices.

"Don't worry, Teddy, I'm not mad. I was told you did it because you thought I wasn't giving you enough attention. Is that true?"

Teddy said "Mom, promise you won't get mad?"

Quinn, sensing her sons distress, said "I promise."

Teddy explained "You always seemed to give Tommy and Timmy more attention than you gave me. I thought it was because I'm weird."

Concerned, Quinn asked "What makes you think you're weird?"

Teddy said "Mom, I prefer reading and having grown up conversations to playing with kids my own age. For a six year old that's weird."

Quinn puts a reassuring hand on her sons shoulder.

"Teddy, you're not weird, you're just you. I wouldn't ever want you to be anyone else."

Teddy asked "Then why don't you give me as much attention as you give Tommy and Timmy."

Quinn said "I didn't think you wanted it. I just assumed as long as you were left alone you were happy."

Teddy said "While that's generally true, sometimes it can seem like you think less of me because I'm a brain."

Quinn said "I don't think that. Teddy, you have an amazing gift. I'm actually proud of you for being so smart."

Teddy's face lights up.

"Really?"

Quinn said "Of course. If you're ever feeling left out again just let me know. You and your brothers come first, always. Just ask if you want to spend more time with me."

Teddy said "I will. Thanks, Mom."

Quinn and Teddy hug.

"Just remember, Teddy, I'd do anything for you. For all three of you."

"I love you, Mom."

The hug ends. They resume eating pizza and making small talk.

 **End Credits.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Tommy wants Shane Sloan to think he's cool so he acts up at both school and home. Quinn and Jim struggle to deal.

* * *

 **Authors Notes**

1) This story is the first in an ongoing series about everyones lives now. Expect more familiar faces to appear in later episodes

2) Also expect me to introduce other original characters. As you've probably noticed, Teddy is a male version of Daria. I'm going to give him his own Jane at some point.


	2. Bad Influence

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 2**

 **"Bad Influence"**

 **story by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Lewis Elementary School, day...**

Mrs. Henderson is teaching her first grade class. The students include Tommy, Timmy and Teddy Carbone along with Quinn Ruttheimer, Kevin Thompson Junior and Shane Sloan along with his two lackeys, Al and Lou. Mrs. Henderson is a dark haired woman in her thirties with thick rimmed glasses. She's drawing a math problem on the black board. 2+9=

"All right, class," she said "Who knows the answer to this one?"

When no one volunteers Teddy immediately sighs and raises his hand.

"Yes, Teddy?"

Teddy said "Eleven."

Smiling, Mrs. Henderson said "Very good, Teddy."

Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "Not really. I can do long division."

Tommy muttered under his breath "Brain."

The teacher continues the lesson while only Teddy is paying any attention. Tommy is staring daggers at Teddy while Kevin Jr. looks like his mind is elsewhere. Quinn, who everyone calls Q, is staring admiringly at Teddy.

 _What a hunk!_ she thought. _Someday, I'm going to marry Tommy._

Timmy, meanwhile, is looking at Q in a manner similar to how she's looking at Tommy.

 _She's so beautiful!_ he thought. _I wish I had the guts to talk to her._

While this is going on Shane nods at Al and Lou. Al hands Shane a drinking straw while Lou wads up a piece of paper for Shane. While Mrs. Henderson is writing another math problem Shane launches a spitball that hits her ass.

"Bullseye!" Shane gloated to his buddies as Mrs. Henderson turned around.

"Shane," she said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that."

Rolling his eyes, Shane said "Whatever."

Mrs. Henderson said "My patience won't last forever, young man."

Shane smirked. Mrs. Henderson can do nothing but complain and he knows it. Perk of being the son of the richest and most powerful man in town. As Mrs. Henderson turns her attention to the black board Shane hurls another spitball, this one hitting Teddy on his glasses.

"Mrs. Henderson," Teddy said, "Shane just hit me with a spitball."

"Shane, stop that!" she said sternly.

"Or what?" Shane challenged.

Mrs. Henderson groaned in frustration, knowing full well that Shane Sloan is off limits. She continues the lesson. Shane hands his straw toward Timmy.

"Wanna try it, Titty?"

Timmy said "But, won't I get in trouble?"

Shane withdraws the offer.

"Wuss."

He now offers it to Tommy.

"How about you, Tommy?"

Tommy said "I don't know."

Shane said "You don't want everyone to think you're a wuss, do you?"

Tommy said "No."

"Then do it."

Tommy takes the straw. As Mrs. Henderson turned around Tommy launched a spitball that hit her right in the face.

"Thomas Carbone!" she growled, "We're going right to the principal's office."

* * *

 **The principal's office, a short time later...**

The principal is Jaimie White. Jamie is just as fit as he was in high school due to his time in the Army. After he got out he went to college and became a school administrator. He sits behind his desk while Quinn, Jim and Teddy sit in front of his desk.

"Sorry to call you in like this, Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."

Jim said "What happened?"

Jamie said "Your son was hurling spitballs in glass."

Tommy whined "This is so unfair. Shane did it first."

Quinn asked "Then why isn't he in here?"

Tommy said "Because Mrs. Henderson is a mean old bitch."

Jim barked "Tommy, language!" Turning to Jamie, he said "Sorry about that, Mr. White."

Jamie said "It's all right. I'm afraid I have to suspend your son for the rest of today and give him detention tomorrow."

Quinn reassured him "Don't worry, Mr. White. We'll punish him too."

Tommy said "But, Mom..."

A stern look from Quinn immediately shuts him up. Quinn then said "Let's go."

She and Tommy get up to leave while Jim remains seated. He said "You two go on ahead. I'd like to talk with Mr. White for a minute."

Quinn said "We'll be by the car when you're done."

With that, she and Tommy left. Jim asked "I'm curious, why is it Shane never gets disciplined when he acts up?"

Shamefaced, Jamie said "It's complicated."

Not willing to back down, Jim said "Enlighten me."

Jamie explained "The Sloan's are very generous donors to the Lawndale Public School District. So generous that the School Board has us under strict orders not to discipline the boy in any way, shape or form."

Jim said "You gotta be shitting me!"

Jamie said "If it were up to me, he'd be treated no different from any other student but the School Board's afraid that the Sloan's will stop donating if we upset Shane."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "So you let that little brat do whatever he wants just because they wanna keep the money rolling in!?"

Shaking his head in frustration, Jamie said "Yes. My hands are tied."

Jim looks like he wants to punch Jamie.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone (Quinn and Jim's house), that evening...**

Quinn and Jim are sitting up in bed discussing this latest development. Quinn said "So they let Shane do whatever he wants because of his family's money?"

Jim said "Pretty much."

Quinn said "So, of my three biggest admirers in high school one became a psycho stalker, another a cheating jerk while the third one turned into a male version of Ms. Li."

Jim asked "Who?"

Quinn said "My old high school principal, the one who was arrested for embezzlement during my senior year."

Remembering the stories now, Jim said "I guess some things never do change."

Quinn said "What worries me is that seeing Shane do whatever he wants and get away with it seems to be influencing Tommy. I don't like it."

Jim said "So, what do we do?"

Quinn said "What can we do? He sees this and thinks it's cool. I'm worried about the other two boys."

Jim said "Well, I know Teddy's too smart to fall into that trap but Timmy's so impressionable. You see how he always follows Tommy's lead."

Quinn appears to think things over for a second.

"What we need to do is find a better role model for those boys. Someone who isn't gonna lead them to do bad things."

Jim said "Like who?"

Quinn said "Well, Teddy seems to like Daria. Maybe we need to find someone like that for Tommy. Someone who's on his level but isn't a bad influence."

Now, Jim looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Mrs. Henderson's classroom, a few days later...**

While Mrs. Henderson is leading the class in a reading of Charlotte's Web Tommy, Timmy and Kevin Jr. are whispering among themselves. Kevin Jr. asked "How was detention?"

Tommy said "It sucked."

He turns his attention to Shane.

"Hey, Shane."

"Yeah?"

Tommy asked "How come you didn't get in trouble?"

Shane said "Because I'm too cool. You need to be cool."

Tommy said "But I'm cool."

Shane said "You need to be cooler. Just do what I do."

Tommy said "I don't wanna get in anymore trouble."

Smirking, Shane said "Aren't you cool?"

Tommy looks uncertain. Shane said "Check this out."

He throws his book at the wall. This gets Mrs. Henderson's attention.

"Shane, please don't do that." she pleaded.

Smirking, Shane said "Make me, bitch."

Mrs. Henderson graons in frustration. Shane turns his attention to Tommy.

"Go ahead."

Nervous, Tommy said "I...I don't think I should."

"Oh," said Shane, "So I guess you want everyone to think you're a dork."

"I'm not a dork."

Smirking, Shane said "Prove it."

Feeling the pressure, Tommy throws his book at the wall.

"Tommy," Mrs. Henderson barked, "I want you to pick that book up and sit in the corner for the rest of class."

Tommy is about to do as he's told when he notices Shane watching him.

"No."

Raising an eyebrow, Mrs. Henderson said "Excuse me!"

Tommy said "I said no."

Angry, Mrs. Henderson said "You just bought yourself another trip to detention, young man."

Tommy looks defeated. Shane said "Tell her off."

Not wanting to be labled a wuss, Tommy said to Mrs. Henderson "F# & you, you c&%# bitch!"

The whole class gasps in shock while Mrs. Henderson looks absolutely enraged.

"HOW DARE YOU USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE!"

Tommy, feeling the spotlight, said "Bite me, t#%$!"

You could now hear a pin drop. Kevin Jr. turned to Timmy and said "Whoa!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn is making a podcast video with Sandi. Sandi said to the camera "...and never mix primary's with pastels. That is so... _shudder_...eighties."

Quinn now spoke to the camera.

"If you like our new podcast segment don't forget to like and subscride. As always, I'm Quinn."

"And I'm Sandi, fashionista extraordinnare."

Quinn shuts off the camera while Sandi takes a flask out of her purse and starts drinking. Quinn is about to say something when the phone rings. She immediately picks up.

"Yes?...Hi, Mr. White." Quinn covers the reciever and turns to Sandi, "It's the principal at the boys' school."

She listens intently. Suddenly, her eyes go wide with shock.

"WHAT!?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn and Jim have sat Tommy down in the living room for a very stern lecture. Quinn said "Cussing out your teacher! What the hell!?"

Tommy said "But Shane told me I was cool."

Jim snarled "I don't care who thinks it's cool, your mother and I are very disappointed in you, young man!"

Quinn said "You are so grounded. Also, I don't wanna see you on the Playstation for at least a month."

"But, Mom..."

Jim continued "No video games, no comic books, no playing with your friends and I want you to clean the storm gutters this weekend."

Tommy protested "That's not fair!"

Jim said "You wanna know what would've happened to me if I cussed out one of my teachers. My old man would've put me through a wall face first and beat me senseless with his belt. And if I cried out he would've beat me harder while planting a shoe up my ass!"

Jim's expression darkens as some unpleasant memories come to the surface.

"Oh, yes, would he ever have beaten my ass. "Drop and give me fifty, Jim.""You're an ungrateful little shit, Jim." "Awww, you gonna cry now, Jim? IS DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL UPSET!? THAT TEARS IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'M GONNA F$%^IN' KICK YOUR WUSSY LITTLE ASS! YOU'RE NO GODDAMN SON OF MINE!""

"JIM!" Quinn barked, "Calm down and focus!"

This snaps Jim out of his rant. He turns his attention back to Tommy.

"My point is that you think this is harsh, but compared to my Dad I'm pretty easy going."

Tommy lets out a defeated sigh.

* * *

 **The Master Bedroom, later that evening...**

Quinn and Jim are sitting up in bed discussing Tommy's increasingly out of control behavior. Jim said "Maybe I should kick Tommy's ass. Our usual approach doesn't seem to work anymore."

Quinn sternly said "Over my dead body are you hitting those boys."

Jim said "I know. It's just that times like this make me wonder if my father had the right idea after all. I know his way of disciplining me was wrong, but when the kids act up it's hard not to wonder."

Quinn said "The problem isn't how we discipline Tommy. The problem is Shane Sloan. Tommy seems to be emulating him."

Jim said "But Shane's not our son. How are we gonna get him to stop being such a bad influence on Tommy?"

Quinn looks thoughtful for a second. She gets an idea.

"We can't discipline Shane because he's not ours. The school won't discipline him because they fear reprisal from the Sloans. But what about Shane's own parents? I know both of them and I'm willing to bet they don't know what's going on."

Jim said "So, you think we should tell Tom and Tori?"

Quinn said "It can't hurt. If they know what's going on they can get Shane to stop."

Jim smiles.

"Finally, some light at the end of the tunnel."

* * *

 **Sloan Residence, the next day...**

The house is a huge multi-story brick mansion with terra siding, a five acre lawn that's professionally maintained and a fleet of high end luxury cars in the ten car garage. Inside, the servants are going about their housework while Quinn is in the sitting room having tea with Tom's wife, Tori Sloan (nee Jericho). Tori is the gossipy popular girl from "The Invitation".

"Thanks for seeing me, Tori."

Smiling, Tori said "No trouble at all, Quinn. I love catching up with old friends."

Quinn asked "So, how have you been?"

Tori said "Schmoozing at social events and getting all the best gossip. Do you know who the Vanderlind's are?"

Quinn said "As in Vanderlind shipping?"

Tori said "That's them. Apparently Mr. and Mrs. Vanderlind are having problems." Whispering in Quinn's ear, Tori added "She caught him banging the maid."

Quinn giggled.

Tori asked "So, how have you been?"

Quinn said "To be honest, that's why I'm here. Tommy's been acting up lately. Everytime he does something he justify's it by saying Shane did it first."

Frowning, Tori said "I see. What's Tommy saying?"

Quinn explained "Tommy hurled spitballs at his teacher a few days ago and said that Shane did it first. Yesterday, Tommy cussed out his teacher and claimed that Shane pressured him to do it."

Tori said "That can't be true. Shane would've gotten in trouble too."

Quinn said "With all due respect, Tori, I don't think that's true. The principal told my husband that the whole faculty have been ordered by the school board to let Shane do whatever he wants."

Tori called out "SHANE, COULD YOU COME SEE ME FOR A MOMENT?"

Soon, Shane enters the sitting room.

"What's going on, Mom?"

Tori said "Quinn just told me that you've been disrupting class and getting away with it. Is that true?"

Smiling sweetly, Shane said "No."

Quinn said "That's not what Tommy told me."

Turning to his mother, Shane said "Mom, Tommy Carbone's a bully. He hates me and makes up stories."

Believing her son, Tori said "It's okay, Shane." Turning to Quinn, she said "I deal with this all the time. The rest of the family wanted Shane to attend Fielding but Tom insisted he go to public school instead. Said it would be good for Shane to socialize with those who are less fortunate."

Quinn looks offended. Being among the top one percent has clearly gone to Tori's head. Tori went on.

"He's always being bullied because he's rich. He comes home crying that some other kid started a rumor. It's so hard. Shane's a good boy."

Shane crys crocodile tears.

"I... _sniff_...I just wanted to b... _sob_...be friends with Tommy, but he's... _sniff_...so mean to me. He does things like bully other kids, attack teachers and...and...HE ALWAYS BLAMES ME! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

He sobs on Tori's shoulder as she tries to soothe her son.

"It's okay, Shane. Your a wonderful little boy. Mommy loves you."

Shane said "Th... _sniff_...Thanks, Mommy."

Tori turns her attention to Quinn.

"You see, Quinn. Shane's a good boy, a sensitive boy. Your son's bullying him."

Shane sneaks a triumphant smirk at Quinn, which she notices.

"With all due respect, Tori, I know that's not true. Shane goaded Tommy, I got it from my other two boys, their teacher and even the principal."

Turning on the water works again, Shane said "Sh... _sniff_...She's lying, Mommy! WAAAAHHHHH!"

Tori hugs her son.

"It's okay, Shane."

Quinn said "But, Tori..."

Angry, Tori said "I think you'd better leave."

"But...But..."

"Leave, now, or I'll call security."

Tori resumes hugging Shane. She doesn't see him give Quinn the finger as she gets up to leave.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, the next day...**

Quinn and Stacy are at the kitchen table. Quinn is telling her about the incident at the Sloan residence.

"I can't believe it. That kid has his mom completely wrapped around his finger."

Stacy asked "Have you considered telling Tom?"

Quinn said "Come on, Stacy. Who do you think he's gonna believe, me or his wife?"

Stacy said "I see your point."

As if on cue, Stacy and Chuck's son, Chucky, enters the kitchen. He looks at Quinn and speaks in his usual apathetic monotone.

"You got beat up by a six year old."

With that, he walks away. Quinn gives Stacy a puzzled look.

"What was that about?"

Shrugging, Stacy said "Beats me."

At this point Stacy's daughter, Quinn Ruttheimer, comes in. She sees her red haired namesake and seems to freeze with fear. Stacy said "Quinn, where are your manners? Say hi to Aunt Quinn."

Nervous, Q said "Um...Hi."

Quinn asked "Is something wrong?"

Q shakes uncontrollably, as if in fear. Stacy said "What's wrong, Q?"

Nervous, Q said "I...I'll tell you later, Mommy."

Q leaves as if she can't get out of there fast enough. Quinn and Stacy are both puzzled.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Timmy and Teddy are watching TV. Tommy's not allowed to watch TV as part of his punishment.

 **TV Announcer:** "His mother was a wealthy heiress. His father was the Prince of Darkness. Devil children, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Teddy deadpanned "I wonder if we'll see Shane on TV."

"Mom?" said Timmy.

Quinn said "Yes, Timmy."

Timmy said "Shane told everyone at school that he beat you up for trying to strangle his mom. Is that true?"

Rolling his eyes, Teddy deadpanned "Oh, yeah. Because he's perfectly capable of beating up a thirty-five year old ex-gymnist."

Quinn said "All I did was go over there and talk to Mrs. Sloan about Shane's behavior."

Jim said "Even if Shane attacked her, your Mom could easily take him."

Timmy said "But, Shane said he had to protect his mom from you?"

Teddy deadpanned "Well, then, it must be true. Not like Shane would ever lie about anything."

Quinn said "So, let me get this straight. Shane Sloan is telling the whole school that he beat me up because I attacked his mom."

Timmy nods. Quinn is now absolutely livid.

"That little shit."

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, the next day...**

In the cafeteria Shane is bragging to Al and Lou.

"Yeah, Mrs. Carbone's a psycho. I had to totally kick her ass."

Al said "That's cool, Shane."

Lou said "You're such a bad ass."

Shane said "Duh."

At this point, they're approached by a VERY upset Tommy.

"Shane, why are you talking bad about my mom?"

Shane said "Duh, Tommy, she needs to learn a lesson."

Tommy said "But she's my mom."

"So?"

Tommy said "Everyone's gonna call me son of a psycho."

Shane said "Tommy, that's what makes you cool. You know what else would be cool?"

Tommy said "No."

Shane said "Starting a food fight."

Tommy said "No it isn't."

Shane smirked.

"You wanna be cool?"

Tommy nodded.

Shane said "Then stop hanging out with losers like Teddy and Titty."

Uncertain, Tommy said "But they're my brothers."

Shane said "Teddy's a weirdo brain and Titty's a fat chicken. Are you a loser too?"

Tommy nervously said "N...no."

Shane said "Then start picking on those loser brothers of yours. Unless you want the whole school to hate you."

Tommy now looks like a deer caught in headlights.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn is in the home office going through her mail. Tommy enters.

"Mom, can I talk to you?"

Quinn turned and asked "What's on your mind, sweetie?"

Tommy said "Shane wants me to start picking on Timmy and Teddy. He said the whole school will hate me if I don't. I don't want everyone to hate me but I don't wanna bully my brothers either. I don't know what to do."

Quinn immediately understands. Tommy's in a predicament that she knows all too well.

"Tommy," she said, "I was a lot like you at your age. I wanted everyone to like me. The problem was that everyone thought my sister was a weirdo and a geek. I started picking on Aunt Daria just so the other kids wouldn't think I was like her."

Tommy said "But you and Aunt Daria get along so good."

Quinn explained "It wasn't always like that. Growing up we hated each other. I actually claimed to be an only child because I was so embarrassed to have a brainy sister. Whenever people asked I'd say Aunt Daria was a distant cousin, an exchange student or just some weird orphan that my parents took in."

Tommy asked "When did you stop?"

Quinn said "In high school, during my junior year. I finally realized just how stupid the whole thing was. When I finally admitted that we were sisters I was proud. It took me a while but I finally realized how stupid the whole popularity thing was and I wanted a real friendship with my sister."

Tommy said "Did the other kids turn against you?"

Quinn said "No. I was just as popular when I started doing my own thing as I was before. The funny thing is it turned out the other kids knew all along that we were sisters and just didn't say anything to be nice."

Tommy looks thoughtful, which Quinn notices. She presses on in her explanation.

"My point is that you should just be yourself. Having real friends is way cooler than having followers who only like you because you have a certain image. My biggest regret in life is that it took me until my third year of high school to finally understand that. Believe me, no one thinks Shane Sloan is cool. They just suck up to him because they're scared of him. If you really want to be cool just be yourself. A real loser is someone who just blindly goes along with the crowd."

Tommy now smiles.

"Thanks, Mom."

With that, he left. Quinn has just one thought.

 _Maybe he won't repeat some of the mistakes I made as a kid after all._

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, the next day...**

The first and fourth graders are at recess. As usual, Teddy is sitting on a bench reading a book instead of playing with the other kids. He's approached by Shane, Al and Lou.

"Hey, weirdo," said Shane, "What're you reading? A book on how to be a loser?"

Teddy said "Actually, no. But it's still too advanced for you. Though, come to think of it, a coloring book is too advanced for you."

Shane is offended.

"Al."

Al snatches Teddy's book right out of his hands.

"HEY! Give that back!"

They start playing keep away. Tommy, who's on the jungle jim with Timmy and Kevin Jr. sees this. He immediately walks over to Shane and his lackeys.

"What's going on?"

Shane said "We're playing keep away. Wanna join us?"

Smirking, Tommy said "Sure."

Lou throws Teddy's book to Tommy. Upon catching it he hands it back to Teddy.

"Here you go."

Puzzled, Teddy said "Am I dreaming? You're actually doing something nice for me!?"

Tommy said "Duh!"

Shane gets right in Tommy's face.

"You actually did something nice for a loser brain!? I thought you were cool."

Tommy confidently said "I am cool."

Shane said "No, you aren't. If you were cool you'd treat this loser like the freak he is."

Tommy said "That "freak" is my brother."

Shane said "Cool people don't do nice things for geeks."

Tommy said "I am cool, and don't you forget it."

Smirking, Shane said "Prove it. Punch Teddy."

"No."

Shane said "If you don't punch him I'll tell the whole school what a dork you are. You won't have any friends. Now do it."

Tommy balls up his hand in a fist and turns to Teddy.

"Sorry, Teddy, but I can't be friendless."

Tommy immediately turns around and punches...Shane! Al and Lou gasp in shock as a whole crowd gathers around. Shane looks at Tommy in utter shock. It's the first time anyone's ever stood up to him. Shane's lip starts to tremble and a stray tear runs down his cheek.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Shane immediately runs away crying. Al and Lou follow him.

"Hey, Boss..."

"Wait up."

Teddy is very impressed.

"Tommy, you actually stood up for me!?"

Tommy said "Hey, you're my brother. That means no one picks on you but me."

"Thanks."

Tommy said "Don't get used to it. You're still a brainy geek."

With a half-smile, Teddy said "And you're still an immature idiot."

At this point, a visibly impressed Quinn Ruttheimer walks up to Tommy. "Tommy," she said, "That was sooo amazing."

Kevin Jr. said "It's about time someone stood up to that jerk."

Chucky walks by. In his usual apathetic monotone he said "You punched Shane Sloan. You're cool."

Timmy proudly cheered "MY BROTHER THE HERO!"

All the other kids started cheering.

"TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY!"

Tommy basks in the glory.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are at the kitchen table having dinner. Tommy is bragging about how he finally stood up to Shane.

"It was amazing. Now I'm the most popular guy in school and all I did was stick up for my brother."

Jim said "I'm proud of you, son."

Quinn said "Just don't make a habit of hitting people."

Tommy said "Don't worry. I'll only hit people who deserve it. I'm not a bully like Shane." He suddenly has a thought. "I'm not in trouble, am I?"

Quinn said "Of course not. In fact, now that you've learned your lesson you're no longer grounded and you can have your video games back."

Jim added "By the way, nice job cleaning out the storm gutters."

At this point, the phone rings. Quinn said "I'll get it."

She answers the phone.

"Hello?"

On the other end of the line an irate Tom Sloan said "Shane told me your son punched him at school today."

Holding her ground, Quinn said "First off, Shane was bullying his brother. Second, he's long overdue for a taste of his own medicine."

Angry, Tom said "How dare you! Shane's a good boy."

Quinn said "With all due respect, Tom, he's a spoiled brat."

Tom said "I want Tommy to apologize to Shane."

Quinn said "Not happening."

Tom said "Then I'll sue you for assault."

Quinn said "In that case, I'll counter sue for defamation. My Mom would be happy to come out of retirement and handle the case pro-bono."

Tom gulps with dread. The last thing he or his lawyers want to do is face Helen Morgendorffer in a court room because they know she'll hand them their asses.

* * *

 **Pizza King, the next day...**

Quinn and Stacy are having lunch. Quinn has just told her about the previous day.

"...so after I threatened a counter suit Tom backed off."

Stacy said "That's pretty cool, Quinn."

Quinn now has a thought.

"Stacy, what would've happened if everyone knew from day one that Daria was my sister."

Stacy said "We did know. We just played along because we didn't wanna upset you. I mean she was living at your house and called your parents mom and dad."

Quinn said "I know. I just sometimes wonder what it would've been like if Daria and I always got along."

Stacy said "Are you kidding? You two would've been an unstopable combination."

Quinn said "I wonder if that's what my boys will be like in high school."

They both think about it for a second and reach the same conclusion.

"NAH!"

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Jim and Quinn take the boys to New York for the weekend. Jim's inner child is awakened when they attend the Feast of San Gennaro in Little Italy. Guest starring Daria and Jane.


	3. The Great Regression

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **Ep. 3**

 **"The Great Regression"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Chris and Lindy's house, day...**

The house is a fairly decent white sided two story. Inside is a visibly pregnant Lindy. Lindy is now married to Jim's older brother, Chris, and they are expecting their first child. An exhuberant Chris enters the room.

"Lindy," he said, "Do you know what day it is?"

Lindy said "September 19th. Why?"

Chris said "The Feast of San Gennaro in New York starts today. An eleven day block party in Little Italy. I was talking to Jim and he wants to go with Quinn and the boys this weekend."

Lindy said "That sounds nice. Their boys should get a real kick out of it."

Excited, Chris said "I haven't told you the best part. Jim invited us to come along."

Lindy said "Chris, I'm pregnant and New York City's a two hour drive from here."

Chris said "But Lindy, this is a chance to share a piece of my childhood with you. When we were kids on Long Island our mother used to take us every year. A carnival full of Italian food, games, rides and a parade. All to honor the patron saint of Naples."

Lindy said "Since when are you religious?"

Chris said "It's more about celebrating our Italian heritage."

Lindy smiles.

"Okay, sounds fun. I'm just reluctant because I'm pregnant at 39. I'm playing with fire as it is."

Chris said "Don't worry. The baby will be fine."

Lindy said "Alright. I'm convinced."

Chris pulls his fist down in a cheer.

"YES!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn is in the office on conference call with Lindy, Daria and Jane. She said "Jim's really excited. He said he can't wait to show the boys such an important part of his childhood."

Lindy said "I got the same thing from Chris."

Quinn added "And we can visit my sister and Jane."

Daria said "Where are you staying?"

Quinn and Lindy both frown. Quinn admitted "We hadn't thought of that. Why?"

Daria deadpanned "Oh, I don't know. Probably something to do with my place being a one bedroom apartment in Hells Kitchen. It could get a little crowded with seven guests. Also, I have a cat."

Quinn said "We're leaving the dog with Mom and Dad. I'm sure we can find a decent hotel."

Jane said "No friends of mine are gonna stay in a hotel while in town. Especially since I have a huge loft in SoHo."

Daria asked "How long's Alan out of town this time?"

Jane said "Until June. He promised to take a mini-vacation during the holidays so we can spend Christmas together, but I'm not holding my breath. His relationship with archaeology is like my relationship with art."

Daria deadpanned "Better than it being like Trent's relationship with music."

Everyone laughed at that one.

* * *

 **New York City, friday afternoon...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are in Jane and Alan's SoHo loft talking with Jane and Daria. Quinn said "Thanks for letting us stay here."

Shrugging, Jane said "What are friends for?"

Daria said "Mooching."

Jane said "No, that's what brothers are for. At least that's what mine does."

Daria turns to Teddy "So, how's my favorite nephew?"

Teddy said "Bored as always."

Daria asked "How's school?"

Teddy said "It's good. If you're idea of good is spending five days a week in a mind numbingly tedious environment surrounded by idiots."

Daria deadpanned "Don't worry, it gets worse."

Teddy gets the joke and laughs. This prompts Daria to say "I like the way you think."

Jane said "So, Feast of San Gennaro, huh?"

Animated, Jim said "Yeah! My mom used to take me and Chris every year."

Daria said "So, how many times did Tony piss on your parade?"

Smiling, Jim said "Zero. He never came along. My dad hates street carnivals...and anything that doesn't involve sex and violence."

Jane said "Mind if we come along?"

Daria said "Wait a minute, what do you mean "we"?"

Jane said "Come on, you didn't think I wasn't going to drag you in to this, did you?"

"No, but I hoped."

Jane protested "It'll be fun."

Daria countered "Sure, because nothing beats a bunch of guys using their Italian last names as an excuse to be childish and immature."

"HEY!" said an offended Jim.

Teddy said "Come on, Aunt Daria. I don't wanna suffer the idiocy alone."

Daria rolls her eyes.

"Fine."

* * *

 **Lawndale, Saturday morning...**

In a two-story house across the street from Casa Carbone, Sandi Griffin sits alone and sighs. She gets a bottle of vodka out of her liquor cabinet and takes a swig. At this point, the doorbell rings. Sandi puts her vodka back in the cabinet and answers.

"Can I help you?"

Standing in front of Sandi is a young woman with blonde hair, a pretty face and infectious smile. She has a bible in one hand and a shoulder bag full of pamphlets.

"Hi," she said, "My name's Shawna Miller. I'm with the Lawndale Fellowship of The Kingdom Of Christ. Tell me, have you let the Lord into your heart?"

Twenty years ago Sandi would've slammed the door right in this woman's face after making a cutting remark about her wardrobe. That was before the abandonment, divorce and all the other hard knocks that have been her life since high school.

"I...I can't say I have."

Shawna could tell the woman was distraught.

"Tell me, do you find the world today depressing?"

Sandi said "I find life in general depressing these days."

Shawna said "Well, maybe it's time to let the Lord into your heart."

Sandi asked "Would you like to come in? We can talk about God. Maybe it is time to give faith a try."

"I'd like that."

Sandi thought _She's so beautiful. And I'm so lonely._

( **A/N:** Yep, she's desperate enough to hit on a door-to-door missionary.)

* * *

 **Mulberry Street, Lower Manhattan...**

 **Music:** "Tarantella Napolitana"

Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Chris, Lindy, Daria and Jane are walking through the festival. There are food stands all around selling Italian street food such as pizza, peppers and sausage, stuffed clams, calzone, cannoli and other assortments. There are also games and rides. Jim is explaining the history of the festival.

"It's to celebrate the patron saint of Naples, San Gennaro. It's an eleven day carnival right here in the heart of New York's Little Italy."

Chris said "I feel like a little kid again. Jim, remember how much fun we used to have when Mom took us here?"

Jim said "Boy, do I ever." He spots a carousel. "Hey, who wants to ride the merry go round!?"

Excited, both Tommy and Timmy said "I will."

Chris said "Count me in, bro."

Teddy said "I'll just walk around here for a bit."

Jim said "Let's go!"

The four of them are running to the carousel. Teddy looks at them with bemusement.

"I expected this kind of infantile behavior from my brothers, but Dad and Uncle Chris!?"

Daria said "Something in male DNA causes childlike regression in environments like this."

They look at the guys on the carousel. Jim and Chris are both acting like they're Timmy and Tommy's age.

Lindy said "Glad I'm more mature than that."

She sniffs the air. Suddenly...

"SAUSAGE!"

Lindy runs toward the sausage stand. Quinn called out "Lindy..."

Lindy hissed "Shut up! Nothing comes between a pregnant woman and food!"

As Lindy continued toward the sausage stand Daria deadpanned "Well, this is off to a promising start."

Jane said "Come on, Daria. So six of our number have regressed to childhood. We can still have fun."

Quinn said "Yeah, sis, what's the worst that could happen?"

At this point, a familiar voice said "Quinn!? Lindy!?"

They turn around and find themselves face to face with Jim and Chris' uncle, Vito. Vito is just as fat as always, with slicked back gray hair, a Hawaiian shirt, spray tan and ridiculous amount of bling. He said "I was right. How are youse guys?"

Quinn said "We're good, Uncle Vito. How are you?"

Vito said "Ya gotta hide me!"

Quinn asked "How come?"

Vito explained "Irina, that girl I was bangin' last year, is here with a baby she says is mine. I already pay child support to ten different women. I can't afford another bastard!"

Quinn, Daria, Jane and Teddy all roll their eyes.

* * *

 **Back in Lawndale...**

Sandi is in the living room with Shawna, the door-to-door preacher, having tea. Shawna said "This is great, Miss...?"

"Griffin, Sandi Griffin, but it used to be Mrs. Black."

"Divorced?"

Sandi nodded.

"So," said Shawna, "Is that the reason for your current crisis of faith?"

Sandi said "It's one of them. Twenty years ago I felt like I was on top of the world. I was the most popular girl in school. I was like the blonde one in the movie "Mean Girls". What's that characters name, the leader of the plastics?"

Shawna answered "Regina George."

Sandi said "Yes, I was alot like her. I was a stuck up mean girl who would grind anyone down in order to stay at the top of the pecking order. Then, everything started to change. Senior year I managed to turn everyone against me with my bitchiness. After a few months I made amends with my three closest friends and two of them have since become more of a family to me than my actual family. That's the only part of my life that's gotten better since then."

Genuinely interested, Shawna asked "What happened to get you where you are now? What made you so depressed and lonely?"

Omitting the part about her bisexuality, Sandi explained "I fell in love during my first year of college, but my mother didn't approve of our relationship and disowned me. After that we broke up because I caught her...I mean him, cheating on me. With no home and no money I had to drop out of college and get a job as a checkout girl. When I needed more money I got a job as an exotic dancer at Cafe Risque."

Shawna's eyes go wide.

"You worked in that den of sin and debauchery!?"

Sandi explained "I'm not proud of it. I made enough money to put myself the rest of the way through college."

Shawna said "By tempting men with sins of the flesh. You allowed yourself to be a pawn in Satan's attempts to lead mankind astray."

Sandi gives Shawna an angry look. Her old haughtiness returns as she says "For your information, Shawna, I didn't have other options. I left that profession as soon as I could."

Softening her tone, Shawna said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so judgemental. After all, the bible says judge not lest ye be judged."

Calming down, Sandi said "I was eventually able to leave stripping behind when I found work as an office assistant. Then came my failed marriage."

"What happened?"

Sandi said "It was rocky from the start. Joey and I would fight over every little thing. Then, I caught him having sex with an 18 year old girl in our bed. I was devastated, but I still loved him. He didn't feel the same way. He filed for divorce the very next day. It was hell. Now all of my friends are married with kids and my ex-husband is banging a barely legal trollip while I'm all alone."

Shawna puts a hand on Sandi's shoulder.

"You're not alone. Jesus loves you. He'll never abandon you for someone else. He loves you more than you think."

Sandi visibly feels better.

* * *

 **Manhattan's Little Italy...**

Quinn, Jane, Daria, Lindy and Teddy are talking to Jim's uncle, Vito. Teddy said "Let me get this straight. You want us to help you avoid your ex-girlfriend."

Vito said "Yeah, pretty much."

Jane turned to Daria and said "Well, at least this can't get worse."

Vito asked "By the way, where's Chris and Jim."

Lindy said "They're right over...there!?"

They notice that Jim, Chris, Tommy and Timmy are no longer riding the carousel.

Jane said "I spoke too soon."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Where are they?"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at another part of the festival...**

Tommy and Teddy are playing in a ball pit. Jim and Chris are playing right along with them.

Jim said "I forgot how much fun this is."

Chris climed the net.

"CANNON BALL!"

He dove into the plastic balls. This caught the attention of a staffer.

"Excuse me, but what are youse guys doin'?"

Jim said "Playing with my kids."

The carney turned around the sign at the entrance to the ball pit.

"Can't ya read? It says maximum height of four feet, six inches."

Chris said "Oh, come on!"

"Sorry, saftey regulations."

Jim and Chris both said "AWWWWWW!"

* * *

 **At one of the food stands...**

Lindy, not satisfied with hot sausage and peppers is now pigging out on pizza. Quinn, Jane, Daria, Teddy and Vito are also enjoying pizza. Daria remarked "I guess eating like a pig is in this season."

Quinn stares daggers at her sister. Finally, Daria said "Sorry, habit."

When Quinn smiles, Teddy turns to Jane and asks "What was that about?"

Jane said "Your parents never told you? In high school your mother was Vice President of The Fashion Club."

Teddy said "And I thought elementary school was stupid."

Quinn admitted "The whole thing was stupid. I was a stuck up brat as a kid."

Teddy remarked "So that's where Tommy gets it from."

Quinn gives Teddy a stern look while Daria flashes her trademark half smile. At this point Vito suddenly said "Aw, Crap!"

He immediately ducked under the picnic table they were eating at as a young blonde woman with a baby approached the table.

"Excuse me," she said with a thick Russian accent, "I am lookings for someones. Fat olds man with spray tan. Is father of baby. Haves you seen him."

As Vito cowers under the table, Jane said "You mean Vito?"

This gets her a sharp tap on the knee from Vito. The woman said "Yes, I ams Irina Volokov, former lover. Shitty man owes child support."

Daria said "We havent seen him. How do you know the child is his?"

Offended, Irina said "I dons sleeps arounds."

Daria said "If we see him we'll let you know."

"Thank yous."

With that, Irina leaves. Vito whispered "Is she gone?"

* * *

 **At a game tent...**

Jim and Chris are playing the old school TMNT arcade game. Jim is playing as Raphael while Chris is playing as Leonardo. They've just reached the end of the second level and are about to fight the boss, Bebop.

 **Bebop:** (in game) "Where do you think you're going, shell brain?"

Jim said "I forgot how much fun this game is."

Chris said "You said it bro."

Meanwhile, Tommy and Timmy are playing Mortal Kombat. Tommy is playing as Scorpion while Timmy is Sub-Zero.

"Round one...FIGHT!"

Tommy immediately gets Timmy with his spear.

"GET OVER HERE!"

A few seconds later, Sub-Zero is about to collapse as the words "FINISH HIM!" flash on the screen.

"Check this out!" said Tommy as he pressed a button combination. On the screen, Scorpion incinerates the defeated Sub-Zero.

"Scorpion wins...FATALITY!"

Tommy bragged "In your face, Timmy."

"No fair!" Timmy whined.

Tommy said "Rematch?"

Timmy reaches into his pocket.

"I'm outta tokens."

Smirking, Tommy said "Guess that makes me the champ...again."

* * *

 **Maenwhile, back in Lawndale...**

Sandi and Shawna are still talking. Shawna said "So, are you ready to accept Jesus as your personal savior?"

Sandi thought _She's beautiful. I want her. I NEED her._ but out loud said "Yes."

Shawna smiles.

"You won't regret this, Miss Griffin."

Smiling, Sandi said "Please, call me Sandi."

Shawna said "Okay...Sandi."

Sandi said "Would you like to stay for dinner?"

Shawna said "You want me to stay for dinner?"

Sandi said "Of course." She leans in toward Shawna and says in an erotic tone "I like you."

She leans in closer.

"Shawna, you're a wonderful, kind and beautiful woman."

Visibly uncomfortable, Shawna said "Um...thanks."

They're now so close that their faces are almost touching. In a breathy tone, Sandi said "I..want...you."

She immediately pounches on Shawna and kisses her with frenzied passion. Shawna is beyond freaked out. She's even more freaked when Sandi slips her some tongue. Sandi breaks the kiss.

"Make love to me."

Sandi kisses Shawna again as Shawna tries to shove her off.

* * *

 **Manhattan's Little Italy...**

 **Music:** "The Godfather Theme"

Quinn, Teddy, Daria, Jane and Lindy are on the sidewalk watching a procession. The leader of this procession is a short man with gray hair and glasses. He's the grand marshal of the event. He is followed by a marching band playing an old Italian tune. Behind the marching band are three priests giving random blessings to the crowd. This is followed by a large cart carrying the actual shrine of San Gennaro.

"What's this?" asked Daria.

Teddy said "I've read about this. Everyday of the festival includes a procession where they carry the shrine through the streets. It's an old Neapolitan tradition."

Lindy said "Chris told me about this."

Jane commented "I need to get a better look at that shrine. It would make an interesting subject for my next piece. In fact..."

Jane pulls out her I-Phone and snaps pictures of the shrine as it passes by.

"There, now I can use these pictures for my next masterpiece."

Daria quipped "Michaelangelo would be proud."

At this point, Quinn notices something.

"Where's Vito?"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...**

Sandi is trying to make out with Shawna as Shawna struggles against her. Finally, Shawna manages to shove her off.

"WHAT THE HECK!?"

Sandi said "Come on, Shawna, don't tell me you don't feel it too."

Shawna said "You...you...YOU WHORE!"

Shawna gets up to leave when Sandi grabs her arm.

"PLEASE DON'T GO!"

Shawna said "You just tried to tempt me into unnatural debauchery."

Visibly hurt, Sandi said "But...I thought you liked me."

Shawna said "Not like that. Same sex relations are a slight to the Lord."

"But...but..."

Shawna pulls away from Sandi and storms out of the house. Sandi chases after her. Once outside...

"Shawna, wait! I'm bisexual and lonely. Maybe I moved too fast."

Shawna barked "You'll not tempt me into sexual sin."

Sandi said "I'm sorry, but I can't help it that I'm bisexual."

Shawna said "That's what Satan wants you to believe. You've been led astray and if you don't repent you'll burn in Hell."

"But...but...I need you."

Shawna said "'He that lay with a man as with a woman commits abomination.' It's in the bible."

Sandi said "How can you say that!?"

Shawna said "You are lost. You'll not lead me to sin."

"But..."

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

With that, Shawna runs away from Sandi as fast as she can. Sandi falls to her knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY DOES EVERYONE I LOVE ALWAYS LEAVE ME!"

She begins to cry. Kevin had seen the whole thing from his porch.

"Dude! This neighborhood is turning into Melrose Place."

As he said that a half-naked Daryl sneaks out of his house while an all-naked Brittany blows her adulturous lover a goodbye kiss. Kevin remains clueless as usual.

* * *

 **Little Italy...**

 **Music:** "Mambo Italiano" by Dean Martin

It's getting late. Quinn, Teddy, Lindy, Daria and Jane are now trying to find Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Chris and Vito.

"Where the hell are they?" said Quinn.

Lindy said "You think they got bored and left. I mean SoHo's only a few blocks from here."

Daria deadpanned "Sure, they were having so much fun that they decided to call it a day."

Teddy couldn't help snickering at that one. At this point they approach a stage. A fat bald man with a microphone stands in front of a curtain. "Awright," he said, "It's time for our next cannoli eating contest. And now let's meet this round of contestants."

Quinn and Lindy sigh as Teddy, Daria and Jane look at the stage in morbid fascination. The curtain draws back. The contestants are Jim, Chris, Tommy, Timmy and Vito. The announcer said "Awright, a special treat. Today's contestants are all in the same family. First, James Carbone."

The announcer hands the microphone to Jim. Jim spots Quinn in the audience.

"Hey," he points to Quinn, "I'd like to give a shout out to my wife, Quinn."

Quinn immediately buries her face in her hand out of embarrassment. The announcer continues.

"His brother, Christopher Carbone."

"Hey, Lindy."

Now, Lindy buries her face in her hand.

"Jim's sons, Timmy and Tommy Carbone."

"Hey, Mom!" they both said at the same time.

"And finally, their uncle, Vito Carbone."

Vito said "Hey, how all youse guys doin', especially the ladies."

In the audience, Jane said "It's like high school all over again."

Daria said "Complete with it's own version of Upchuck."

The announcer said "Rules are simple, you have ten minutes to eat as many cannolis as you can. One who eats the most wins. And...GO!"

They all start pigging out. Timmy and Vito surge ahead of the others. After ten minutes...

"TIME!" the announcer called. He went to look at all the plates. Jim looks sick, and he has six cannolis left. Chris has five left. Tommy has five left and looks like he could puke at any moment. Vito has one left and Timmy has none. Timmy also looks like he could eat a whole lot more.

"We have a winner...Timmy Carbone!"

The whole crowd applauds as Timmy smiles proudly. Even Quinn feels a sense of pride overwhelm any embarrassment she may feel. A trophy is presented to Timmy.

The announcer asked "How you feeling?"

Timmy said "Great!" He turns to Tommy and says "In your face!"

Tommy is about to hurl an insult when...

"Urp...glup...ulp...BLEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!"

He pukes all over the place. Just then, Irina runs up onto the stage.

"There you are, Vito, piece of shit. You owe child support."

At this point, a handsome looking Latino man hops up on stage. He said "No, he does not. That is my child."

Shocked, Irina said "RAUL!"

At this point, a Russian man shows up. He said "Irina, you told me baby was mine!"

Vito said "Damn, Irina, I figured you were cheating on someone wit' me, but two people!?"

This begins a loud shouting match. Daria and Jane smirk.

* * *

 **Pizza King, Monday afternoon...**

Quinn and Sandi are having lunch and catching up. Quinn said "So, after all that craziness the rest of the evening was uneventful. How was your weekend?"

Sandi said "I met a girl I really liked."

Quinn said "Sandi, that's great!"

Sandi said "She wasn't interested. That's what I get for coming on to a door to door preacher."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"Sandi, you didn't!?"

"I did."

Quinn is too shocked. Sandi starts to cry.

"I... _sob_...I... _sniff_...WHY WON'T JOEY JUST COME BACK!"

Quinn now looks awkward.

"Sandi, you need to move on."

Sandi continues crying.

"Sandi, he's not coming back."

Sandi keeps crying.

"I mean, it's not likely that he's coming back."

Sandi continues to cry. Quinn amends her statement further.

"Well, I guess it's possible."

Sandi stops crying and smiles.

"Thank you, Quinn."

Quinn visibly wonders if giving Sandi false hope was the right thing to do.

 **End.**

 **Next Time**

Quinn learns a secret from Jim's past. What has he been hiding from her all these years?


	4. Jim's Secret Shame

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **Ep. 4**

 **"Jim's Secret Shame"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim and Quinn are relaxing in the living room with Chuck and Stacy. They're relaxing and drinking some wine. On the coffee table is a jar full of small cards and a large stack of index cards. Stacy said "Thanks for having us over."

Quinn said "My pleasure, Stacy."

Jim asked "How'd you square it with the kids that you wanted to have a grown up evening?"

Chuck said "Chucky's at my mother's while Q's at a slumber party. You?"

Jim said "Our boys are spending the weekend in New York with their aunt, Daria."

Quinn said "Anyway, this game is called couples trivia. The rules are simple. We each take turns picking a question out of the jar. We each write our correct answer on the index cards while trying to guess what our significant other's answer is."

Stacy said "Sounds fun. I'll go first."

She pulls a question out of the jar.

"What is your SO's most humiliating sex and/or dating episode?"

They each write their answers on the index cards.

Chuck said "I'll go first. Stacy's most huniliating sex or dating episode was losing her virginity to Bret Strand."

Stacy holds up her card. It reads "Losing my virginity to that jerk, Bret Strand". After that, she said "Chuck's most humiliating sex or dating episode was the time he tried to make out with Sandi and she reacted by kneeing him in the groin."

Chuck holds up his index card, which says exactly that.

Quinn said "Jim's most humiliating dating episode was being stood up on prom night."

Jim holds up his card. Sure enough, it reads "Being stood up on prom night". He said "Quinn's was the time she found out a guy she was seeing already had a girlfriend and she was the other woman."

Quinn holds up her card. It says that.

"My turn."

Quinn pulls out a question and blushes as she reads it out loud.

"How many people has your significant other slept with, including you?"

As they write the correct answers Jim looks somewhat hesitant. Finally, he writes a number.

Stacy said "Including me, Chuck's slept with five women."

Chuck holds up his card with the number 5 on it. He said "Stacy has slept with two men."

Stacy holds up her card. It said 2.

Jim said "Quinn's slept with a total of three different men."

Quinn holds up her card. It said 3. She said "I don't know how many women Jim's slept with. I never asked."

Jim nervously holds up his card. It says "That's highly classified." Everyone is puzzled. Stacy said "Come on, Jim. It's just a number."

Jim said "A gentleman never tells."

Chuck said "We all gave our numbers. What's the big deal?"

Quinn said "Yeah, Jim, there's nothing to be embarrassed about."

Sighing, Jim said "Fine. I've slept with a total of seven women. Though, that's because I was already 24 when Quinn and I met."

Quinn doesn't believe him but decides not to press the issue and risk more awkwardness.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, the next day...**

Quinn and Sandi are in the living room. Quinn is telling her about the night before.

"So he admitted that I'm the seventh woman he's slept with."

Sandi asked "So, what's the problem?"

Quinn said "It feels a little...off."

Sandi immediately jumps to the worst conclusion.

"Oh, Quinn! I'm so sorry."

Puzzled, Quinn said "About?"

"He cheated on you."

Quinn rolled her eyes and said "Jim has never cheated on me."

Sandi said "Then why did he hesitate to share his number? Also, the number he gave sounds about right for a good looking guy who met his wife when he was in his mid twenties."

Quinn said "That's why I'm suspicious. The number sounds too normal. Most men claim to have been with more women than they actually have, but I know he's not cheating on me. He's proven time and again that he'd never do something like that."

Sandi said "That's what I thought about Joey. Then I came home to find him in bed with an 18 year old slut."

Quinn said "Just because Joey did that to you doesn't mean Jim would do something like that to me."

Sandi cautioned "Get yourself tested, then forgive him. If you don't, you will end up alone."

Quinn now visibly feels awkward.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim is in the master bedroom reading a book. Suddenly, Quinn emerges from the walk-in closet in a skimpy, transparent white nightie. This immediately gets Jim's attention.

"What's the occassion?"

Seductively crawling into bed with her husband, Quinn said "Since this is the last night we have the house all to ourselves I figured we could take advantage of an opportunity to have loud, wild sex."

Jim said "I like the sound of that."

They start to passionately kiss. As she licks his jaw line, Quinn seductively said "You know we share everything with each other, don't we..." she sensually sucks his ear, "...sexy."

Jim grunted "Yeah."

As he licked the nape of her neck Quinn purred "Yessss...don't hold back...anything."

Jim is about to start removing her flimsy nightie when...

"How many women have you done this with?"

Jim stops the very instant the question is asked.

"I told you, seven."

Pouting, Quinn said "You're lying."

Jim immediately leaps out of the bed.

"Quinn, why are you asking me this now? You've had thirteen years to ask and never did."

Quinn explained "When we started being intimate I just assumed you'd tell me if there was something I needed to know. I know that you've never had an STD and was content with that...until last night. You know my number, but I don't know yours."

Jim defensively said "I told you my number last night."

Quinn said "We've been together for thirteen years, eight of them as husband and wife. There shouldn't be any secrets between us at this point."

Jim said "I'd rather take that information to the grave."

Losing her patience, Quinn said "I already know you had a traumatic childhood, that you were fat and ugly in middle school, that you didn't really become social until college. Is it really such a big deal if I know how many girls you've f#%$ed?"

This makes Jim feel guilty.

"You really wanna know?"

Quinn said "Yes."

Jim sighed.

"You'd change your opinion of me if you knew."

Hurt, Quinn said "How can you say that? We're happily married, we have three great kids. Something as trivial as your total number of sex partners couldn't possibly make me think less of you. Now, tell me."

Jim sighed once again as he hung his head in shame.

"Including you...one."

Quinn gasps in shock that Jim has just admitted that he was a virgin when they met. Her reaction causes Jim to feel even more ashamed.

* * *

 **Pizza King, the next day...**

Quinn and Stacy are having lunch together. Even though the place is a teen hangout while Quinn and Stacy are married thirty-somethings with kids they still like to come here because there's comfort in the familiarity. Quinn looks positively exhausted, which Stacy notices.

"Quinn, you look like you haven't slept in ages." She grins slyly. "Did you and Jim have a wild night?"

Quinn said "More like a very awkward night. Remember when we played couples trivia the other night?"

Stacy said "Yeah. What about it?"

Quinn said "Remember the question about each other's total number of sex partners, and how reluctant Jim was to share his?"

"Yeah, but his number sounded pretty normal. I just figured he was being modest."

Quinn said "Guys usually inflate their numbers, so I became suspicious. Last night, I guilt tripped him into revealing his actual number."

Stacy asked "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but what is his total number of sex partners?"

Sighing, Quinn said "One."

Stacy's jaw drops and her eyes go wide.

"Oh...My...GOD!"

Quinn said "Yes. Our first time with each other was his first time with anyone."

Stacy said "Jim was a 25 year old virgin. That must've been really awkward."

Quinn said "That's what makes this so weird. Virgins have no idea what to do, but Jim did. He didn't know my individual turn ons but he knew the general stuff. That weirds me out more than anything. Wouldn't a virgin not even know the basics?"

Stacy said "With all the information that's out there you don't need to even have sex to know that stuff. But still, except for religious weirdos who's still a virgin in their mid twenties?"

"Apparently, Jim. The worst part is that he won't even talk to me now. He slept in the guest bedroom last night. It's like my knowing this about him is making him want to avoid me."

Stacy said "Obviously, he's ashamed that he lost his virginity late in life. How do you feel about this?"

Quinn said "To be honest, I'm less upset about being his first and only sex partner and more upset that he kept it a secret from me all these years. I'm also upset by his reaction to me knowing. It's like he thinks I think less of him for this. Beyond that...Well, he's not religious and he seems to have good people skills. I guess I'm more curious as to why he waited so long more than anything else."

Stacy looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a few nights later...**

In the living room Quinn, Jim and the boys are watching TV in uncomfortable silence.

"Mom." said Timmy.

Quinn said "Yes, Timmy."

Timmy asked "Why aren't you and Dad talking to each other?"

Nervous, Quinn said "Well...um...You see..."

Jim barked "It's complicated!"

Timmy looks like he's about to cry. Quinn gives Jim a vicious stare as Tommy asked "Did we do something wrong?"

Quinn said "No, this has nothing to do with you boys. Your father just has some...issues he needs to deal with."

"What kind of issues?" asked Teddy.

Jim snarled "None of your damn business!"

Quinn barked "JIM! Don't you dare take this out on the boys."

On the TV is the evening news. The announcer said "And now a special report by Stacy Ruttheimer."

Stacy said "Thank you, Ted. We all know about slut shaming, but what about the other end of the spectrum? It doesn't get anywhere as much attention, but virgin shaming is very much a thing. My friend, YouTube personality Quinn Carbone, recently learned that her husband has been lying to her about the his sexual history the whole time they were together. He was in fact a virgin when they met. But why did he never reveal this to her until recently? Virgin shaming, that's why."

Jim's eyes go wide and his jaw drops.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

The three boys have been sent to their rooms, allowing Quinn and Jim to talk about this frankly and openly. Jim is in a state of panic.

"I can't believe this. Now the whole world is gonna know I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-five!"

Quinn, on the other hand, feels betrayed.

"What the Hell!? Somthing like that is supposed to stay between us!"

Jim now turns his frustration on Quinn.

"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME!? BLAB MY SECRET SHAME TO STACY! NOW I'M GOING TO BE MOCKED MERCILESSLY BY THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD!"

Quinn now redirects her anger at Jim.

"HEY! You're the one who kept his sexual history, or lack thereof, a secret from me for thirteen years. WHAT NEXT!? DO I FIND OUT YOU CHEATED AND HAVE A BASTARD CHILD!?"

Jim barked "Dammit, Quinn, this is serious. Why the hell did you blab to Stacy, anyway?"

Quinn said "I needed to talk to someone and you were refusing to talk to me.."

"Because I was ashamed!"

"...I didn't know Stacy would turn this into one of her social justice crusades."

Jim said "Dammit, you now perfectly well how contemporary society stigmatizes abult male virgins. Now that it's out that I used to be one I'm going to be an endless target of ridicule from now on. My YouTube channel is either going to lose all of it's subscribers or be overrun by haters attacking me in the comments. No more sponsors, no more monetized views. I'm ruined! RUINED!"

Quinn tried to be optimistic.

"Jim, maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe they'll be surprisingly understanding."

"Yeah, right!"

Jim angrily storms out of the living room without another word. Quinn now looks worried.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer House, the next day...**

Quinn is angrily ringing the doorbell. Little Chucky answers. Quinn asked "Chucky, is your mom home?"

"Yeah," the nine year old answered in his usual apathetic monotone, followed by an equally monotone "You broke your husbands cherry."

* * *

 **The kitchen, a short time later...**

Quinn is giving Stacy a world-class ass chewing.

"How could you go on TV and tell something so personal to the whole world!?"

Stacy said "I needed a human interest piece and toxic masculinity is a popular topic right now. Since slut-shaming's a well that's been fished dry I figured I'd go with the male equivalent, virgin shaming."

Quinn said "Did you have to air mine and Jim's dirty laundry to do it?"

Stacy said "That helps humanize the issue. It's not like you told me to keep it to myself."

Quinn hissed "Because I assumed that was a given. We've been best friends since high school, for crying out loud. We tell each other things we don't want other people knowing all the time."

Stacy now feels guilty as it dawns on her that she dropped the ball big time here.

"Quinn, I'm sorry. I...Well, I thought I was helping."

Quinn sarcastically replied "Thanks a lot. Now, Jim has to do damage control. I don't care that he was a virgin when we met, though it upsets me that he didn't trust me enough to tell me, but we both know the rest of the world isn't going to be so forgiving."

Now, Stacy looks especially guilty.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Thompson house...**

Jim, Mack, Chuck and Kevin are sitting on Kevin's front porch drinking beer and talking. Kevin said "You know, I was fifteen when I lost my virginity. How about you guys?"

Grinning, Chuck said "Eighteen, it was at Jodie's graduation party. I hooked up with Andrea. Grrrroooowwwww!"

Mack said "Sixteen. Lost mine to Jodie.," with a mocking grin, he added "What about you, Jim?"

Jim looks uncomfortable.

Kevin laughed "You were 25, dude. Ha...ho-ho-ho-hee-hee-heee...You've only been with one woman. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. WHAT KI...snicker...WHAT KIND OF LOSER'S STILL A VIRGIN AT 25!? HA-HA-HA-HA-HA."

Sighing, Jim said "Very funny, Kevin."

Mack said "I can hook you up if you want, Jim. Get you some variety. You can find out what you've been missing."

Jim deadpanned "And I'm sure Quinn would be totally okay with that."

Kevin said "Don't tell her, dude. I cheated on Brit all the time back in high school."

In an accusing tone, Jim asked "What about now?"

Kevin, not noticing the hostile tone, said "Nah. I got it all out of my system by the time we got married. Besides, Brit's totally faithful to me. It'd be unfair now."

 **Music:** "Ain't Talkin' About Love" by Van Halen

Daryl's car pulls up to the house. As if on cue, Brittany emerges from the house in a VERY revealing bikini. She said "Kevie, Daryl's going to give me sex...I mean swimming lessions today."

Kevin said "Have fun, babe."

Brittany enters Daryl's car. He said "You look hot in that bikini."

Brittany said "And I can't wait for you to peel it off, sexy."

With that, they drive off. Kevin said "I marvel at his ability to keep his hands off my babe."

The other guys roll their eyes. Kevin still suspects nothing. Just then, Sandi approaches. She's wearing a skimpy denim mini skirt and black tube top so tight it looks like her boobs could pop out at any moment. She saunters over to Jim.

"So," Sandi said in an erotic tone, "I hear you've only ever been with Quinn. Do you ever wonder what another woman would be like?"

Jim said "Sandi, I really don't like where this is going."

She hops onto Jim's lap. Running her hands sensually up and down Jim's chest, Sandi said "Don't worry, I'll be real good to you. I'll take you places Quinn never could. What do you say, sexy?"

Jim immediately shoves Sandi off of him and bolts towards his house.

"NOT AGAIN," she shouted, "WHY CAN'T I FIND LOVE!?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in the home office. They are each at their computers reading comments on their respective channels. On Jim's channel are hostile and condescinding remarks such as...

"You're a phony!"

"You didn't lose it until you were 25!? YOU WUSS!"

"What kind of pussy stays a virgin that long."

"I feel sorry for your wife. To be stuck with a loser."

Jim grows ever more discouraged as he reads the comments. Quinn, meanwhile, has recieved comments that are more pitying than condescending.

"Your husband was a virgin when you met!? I'm so sorry."

"You have my condolensces."

"How long did it take you to train him."

"You must have the patience of a saint. To go into a realtionship with a man who's lame in the sack."

Finally, Quinn let's out a frustrated sigh.

"I don't freaking believe this."

Jim said "Pity comments."

Quinn hodded. Jim said "Better than the insults being hurled my way."

Quinn said "I get how people can assume a virgin will be lousy in bed, but you proved that's not necessarily true our first time."

Jim said "The haters are bad enough, but getting teased by our friends is worse. Kevin and Mack actually offered to hook me up with other women in order to make my number more, quote/unquote, normal. And that's not even the most awkward thing that happened to me today."

Quinn asked "What is?"

Jim said "Sandi threw herself at me like a sex-starved nympho."

Shaking her head, Quinn said "Why am I not surprised?"

Jim angrily said "See why I never told you. I wanted to take this embarrassement to the grave."

Quinn said "Jim, I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen."

Jim snipped "Well, that helps. For chrissake, Quinn, I knew this would bite me in the ass. Now I'm the laughing stock of the whole damn world."

Quinn said "Why did you never tell me?"

Angry, Jim said "BECAUSE NO WOMAN WANTS TO BED A VIRGIN! I KNEW OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS OVER IF YOU KNEW BEFOREHAND! NOW, YOU KNOW I'M A WEAK ASS PANSY!"

Losing her tempoer, Quinn shouted "HEY, THAT'S NOT FAIR! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME RIGHT AWAY IF YOU WERE UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME EVENTUALLY!? WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET FOR THIRTEEN YEARS!?"

Jim shouted "I WOULD'VE TOLD YOU AND YOU WOULD'VE FREAKED OUT AND BAILED ON ME! THAT'S A FACT!"

Quinn snapped back "SO, WHAT, YOU'RE A MIND READER NOW!?"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, upstairs...**

The boys are in the hallway. They can hear the shouting match going on between their parents. Frightened, Timmy said "Mom and Dad are fighting again!"

Tommy said "Relax, I think they're mad at each other."

Almost in tears, Timmy asked "But why!? We must've done something! Mom and Dad have never been this mad before!"

Shrugging, Tommy said "I dunno."

Sighing, Teddy said "Dad feels insecure because Mom recently found out he was a virgin when they met."

The other two boys stare blankly at Teddy. Timmy asked "What's a virgin?"

Tommy said "I think it's some kind of religious thing."

Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "Never mind!"

* * *

 **Teddy's room, a short time later...**

Teddy picks up the phone. Of the three T's he's the only one with a phone in his room due to his greater maturity. He dials a number.

"Hello, Aunt Daria."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Daria walks up to the front door and knocks. The three T's answer.

Tommy said "Hi, Aunt Daria."

Timmy asked "What are you doing here?"

Daria said "Your brother called me in and told me about the situation so I came down to mediate. Even though no one told me an aunt's duties included playing marriage counselor."

While the sarcasm flies over Tommy and Timmy's heads Teddy stifles a giggle. Daria enters the house and closes the door behind her.

"So," she asked, "How goes the battle?"

At this point, Quinn's voice can be heard screaming "IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE INSECURE IN YOUR MANHOOD!"

Next, they heard Jim shout back "AT LEAST WE NOW KNOW I WAS RIGHT TO NEVER TELL YOU!"

Timmy asked "Why are they so mad?"

Daria said "Relax, they aren't mad at you. They're mad at each other, and it has nothing to do with you."

Tommy asked "But why are Mom and Dad mad at each other."

Daria deadpanned "Because thirteen years with my sister will drive any man insane."

Tommy and Timmy stare blankly while Teddy stifles another giggle. Daria says one more thing to the boys.

"Cover me, I'm going in."

* * *

 **The garage...**

Jim is trying to work on his car while Quinn keeps hitting him with a barrage of questions. He shouted "DAMMIT, I NEVER TOLD YOU BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D JUDGE ME FOR IT! NOW DROP IT!"

Daria enters the garage unnoticed by the bickering couple. Quinn shouted "I DON'T WANNA DROP IT! YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME SOMETHING LIKE THIS LONG BEFORE NOW!"

"AND FREAK YOU OUT!? NO F$%&ING THANKS!"

Finally, Daria intervenes.

"HEY!"

This gets both Quinn and Jim's attention.

"Daria!" said Quinn.

Jim asked "What are you doing here?"

Daria said "Teddy called last night and explained the situation to me so I decided to drive two hours and mediate, or hand one of you the murder weapon."

* * *

 **The dinning room, a short time later...**

Jim and Quinn are sitting across from each other while Daria sits at the head of the dinning room table. All the doors are shut to ensure privacy. Daria said "So, let me get this straight. Jim, you never told Quinn that she's the only person you've ever had sex with. Now, she's found out. Quinn, Jim kept this a secret from you for thirteen years and this upsets you because you interpret this as a lack of trust on his part. Am I right so far?"

Both Quinn and Jim nod.

Daria said "While the general consensus is that married couples shouldn't keep secrets there's nothing in the vows that places Jim under an obligation to tell you everything about his life before you. At the same time, Jim, you should recognize that Quinn marrying you, being faithful to you and bearing your children is a sign that you can trust her."

Finally, Jim said "Quinn, I never told you because I was afraid you'd think less of me if you knew. We know how hard contemporary society can be on adult male virgins. Just look at movies like "The 40 Year Old Virgin". Female virginity is prized while male virginity is the subject of cruel jokes. I never told you out of fear that you'd think I'm a weirdo or creep and lose interest in me."

Daria said "While 15 year old Quinn certainly would've done that the fact remains that at 22, when you two met, she was much more mature and understanding."

Quinn said "Yeah, Jim. This isn't really the big deal that you think it is."

Skeptical, Jim said "Really? How would you have reacted if you knew before we had sex that it would be my first time?"

Quinn said "At first I'd be shocked, but only because it's so unusual for a guy to still be a virgin in his mid-twenties. After that, I would've been curious as to why you waited as long as you did."

Blushing, Jim said "If you don't mind, I'd rather not explain that in front of anyone."

Quinn said "Tell me later, when we're alone. But you have to promise to be completely honest with me."

Jim said "I will, as long as you promise to at least try to be non-judgemental."

"I promise."

Daria smiles.

"My work here is done."

* * *

 **The master bedroom, sometime later...**

Quinn and Jim are alone while Daria keeps the kids occupied downstairs. Quinn said "Well?"

Jim asked "What do you wanna know?"

Quinn said "Why you didn't tell me before that you were a virgin when we met?"

Jim said "I was afraid you'd freak out if you knew. You'd assume I'm a loser or a weirdo and not want me anymore."

Quinn said "If I knew before we had sex I would've just assumed you'd be really bad at it. Still, I can understand you not telling me beforehand. Why were you never going to tell me?"

Jim said "I was afraid you'd think of that fact as baggage that you don't wanna deal with."

Quinn said "The only baggage I don't want is a man who doesn't trust me."

Jim said "I know, I should've told you sooner. I trust you, but this is kind of heavy."

Quinn said "It's not that heavy. We tend to give a concept like virginity, or lack thereof, way more weight than it deserves. This brings me to my next question. Why did you wait so long?"

With a sigh, Jim said "You know what my childhood and adolescence were like. I was abused at home and bullied at school. In elementary school all the other kids picked on me for being so smart. In middle school it was because I was fat and had really bad acne. By high school the acne had cleared up and I'd lost the weight and became more culturally plugged in. It didn't matter. To my peers I was still the fat, pimply geek. In college, I became more social and made friends but I did very little dating because by then I was convinced that no girl would ever be interested."

Quinn put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"I think these last thirteen years prove how wrong you were there. How did you know what to do the first time we had sex?"

Jim said "By the end of college I'd gone on some dates and was beginning to realize that maybe I could find someone. I never became involved in the hookup culture or allowed things to progress to the level of physical intimacy for fear of my bad performance outing me as a first timer. So, I began doing research. I bought and studied books on how to be a good lover, how to meet and please a woman. The crown jewel was "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Amazing Sex" by Shari Locker*. They all had some great tips on how to make love. However, alot of the advice boiled down to two things. One, pay attention to how she reacts to what you do and, two, just relax and go with it. That's what I did the first few times we made love. It also helped that you were always pretty vocal in the bedroom."

*( **A/N:** This is an actual book. I recommend it for both first timers and seasoned veterans who need some fresh ideas.)

Quinn smiled.

"I can't really say any of this comes as a surprise given everything else I know. The pieces fit. In fact, now I actually feel special that I was your first and, hopefully, only. It's like having something that's mine and mine alone. But, in the grand scheme of things, our individual sex lives before we met aren't relevant. The only thing that matters is something that impacts the current relationship, like STD's or kids from a previous relationship. Anything beyond that is simple trivia."

Quinn kisses Jim. When the kiss breaks Jim said "I think we just reached a whole new level of intimacy."

Quinn said "Let's celebrate. Let's do something we've never done before."

Jim asked "What did you have in mind?"

Quinn whispered the answer in his ear. He immediately smiles.

"Why, you dirty girl!"

Quinn seductively said "I'm your dirty girl, and don't you forget it."

* * *

 **The living room, evening...**

Daria is sitting on the couch with the three T's. Tommy said "Thanks for staying overnight, Aunt Daria."

Daria said "Don't mention it...ever."

Timmy said "Where are Mom and Dad?"

Daria said "They made up and now they wanted to celebrate. I agreed to watch you."

With that, she turns on the TV.

 **TV announcer:** "She took his cherry...on his deathbed! The 90 Year Old Virgin, next on Sick, Sad World!"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the abandoned quarry...**

Quinn's Cadillac is rocking violently and the windows are all fogged up. We don't see what's going on, but from inside the car we hear...

 **Quinn:** (VO from car) "AH...AH...OH...JIM...YES...YES...OHMYGODYES...JIM...AH...YOU...F$%&...SOOO...GOOOD!"

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Tony crashes Jim's 38th birthday, which Quinn doesn't like. He invites himself to stay over indefinitely, which Quinn really doesn't like. His misogyny starts to rub off on the boys. Meltdown in 3...2...1...


	5. Tony Carbone Rides Again

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 5**

 **"Tony Carbone Rides Again"**

 **Casa Carbone, Sunday, Oct. 7...**

The whole household is in the living room. Quinn, Tommy and Timmy are watching TV while Teddy is reading "War And Peace" and Jim is on the phone.

"You will!...Thanks, Dad...Looking forward to it."

With that, Jim hangs up.

"Good news, boys. Grandpa Tony's gonna be here for my birthday."

Quinn rolls her eyes and sighs, as does Teddy. Tommy said "I didn't know you could make phone calls to Hell."

Jim said "Tommy, language. Also, your grandfather lives in Queens."

Timmy asked "Then why does Mom always call him Satan?"

Shocked, Jim turns to his wife.

"Quinn!?"

Folding her arms, Quinn said "Sorry, Jim, but I just plain do not like that man."

Teddy said "Neither do I."

Jim asked "What's this problem you guys have with my father?"

Teddy remarked "Gee, I don't know. It might be because, one, he yells at everyone. Two, he picks fights with everyone. Three, he insults you and Mom every chance he gets and, four, he has an unhealthy obsession with killing things."

Jim said "Be that as it may, he's still my father, your grandfather and, most importantly, a war hero. He won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam, for chrissake."

Sarcastic, Quinn said "Oh, so I guess he has the right to treat people like shit, then."

Jim is not amused.

* * *

 **Wednesday, Oct 10, 2018...**

Jim's birthday party is an afternoon cookout attended by the whole neighborhood. The guests include Chris and Lindy, Chuck and Stacy accompanied by their kids, Chucky and Q, Kevin and Brittany along with their kids and Daryl, Mack, Sandi, Helen and Jake, and several people who I won't name since they're just backgrounders.

Quinn is talking with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi, Brittany and her own parents. Helen asked "Where's Gina?"

Quinn said "She refused to come when she learned Tony would be here with his new wife."

Jake gulped with dread.

"That psycho's comming!? GAH!"

"JAKE, CALM DOWN!" Helen barked.

Brittany said "I heard after Jim's parents divorced his father married a nineteen year old exotic dancer."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Don't be ridiculous, Brittany. She's 34."

Meanwhile, Jim, Chris, Kevin, Chuck and Mack are at the grill. Jim's grilling hamburgers, sausages, and a huge rib-eye steak. Chris said "I take it that rib-eye's for Dad."

Jim said "Sure is."

Kevin asked "Can I have a rib-eye steak?"

Jim said "Are you a war hero?"

Kevin scratches his head in thought. Chuck said "Playing Call Of Duty doesn't count."

Kevin said "Oh! In that case, no."

Jim said "Then you can't have a rib-eye. Only war heroes get to eat rib-eye in this family. Dad's earned it."

At this point, they're approached by Teddy. Having heard the conversation, Teddy said "Why do you always lionize Grandpa Tony?"

Jim said "He performed extraordinary acts of bravery defending this country in war. He deserves our un-conditional respect."

Mack said "You know, Jim, it is possible to be a great soldier and a shitty human being."

Jim rolls his eyes. They just don't get it. This isn't about his father being an abusive asshole, it's about loyalty to family and country.

* * *

 **Bealer Street, a short time later...**

Tony's fully restored 1969 GTO Judge is coming up the street. It pulls into the driveway of Casa Carbone and comes to a stop. Tony steps out of the driver's side. From the passenger side emerges a beautiful brunette in tight, fashionable clothes with disproportionately large breasts. She's Jennifer Carbone, Tony's new wife. She said "So, this is where Jim lives."

Tony said "That's right. 5150 Bealer Street."

They enter the back yard, where the cookout's going on. The sight of him makes Quinn roll her eyes. She, Jim and the boys walk up to greet them. Tony said "Hey, Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, the red-haired harpy."

Jim said "Hi, Dad."

Pointing to Jennifer, Tony asked "What do you think of your mother's new boobs?"

Jim said "Dad, Jennifer's not my mother. Hell, we went to high school together. She was a freshman when I was a senior."

Tony said "Go on, Jennifer, get the gifts." followed by a slap on Jennifer's ass. While Jennifer gets the presents Tony said "Don't tell her, but I got the implants cheap. Both lefties."

Quinn is visibly struggling to contain her outrage. At this point, Kevin Jr. approaches. The boy said "Hey, Mr. Carbone."

Tony barked "THAT'S SERGEANT MAJOR CARBONE TO YOU, DARKY!"

Kevin Jr. said "Sorry, Sergeant Major."

Tony said "That's better."

At this point, Jennifer arrives with three long boxes. Jim said "Dad, you got me three presents!?"

Equally stunned, Quinn said "That's surprisingly generous of you. What's the catch?"

Tony said "Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, these are for you. Jim, I didn't get you anything."

Disappointed, Jim said "But, it's my birthday, not theirs."

Tony said "So, let me spoil my grandkids, pansy."

Quinn stares daggers at her father-in-law. The three T's open their gifts. They look like Mossberg 12-guage shotguns. Too much like 12-guage shotguns. Jim said "Those toy guns look kind of realistic, Dad."

Tony said "Those aren't toys. Those are real Mossberg 12-guage shotguns."

Teddy immediately puts his down and backs away from it. Tommy and Timmy, on the other hand, stare at their guns in admiration.

"Whoa, cool!"

Quinn immediately snatched the guns from her sons.

"Yes, and Mommy's taking them away now!" She turns her attention to Tony. "Dammit, Tony, they're only six years old."

Tony said "Exactly! It's high time they started learning how to be men."

Quinn said "How Jim and I raise our boys is none of your business."

Tony gets right in Jim's face.

"DAMMIT, JIM, TELL YOUR WOMAN TO GIVE THEM BACK THEIR GUNS!"

Quinn immediately gave Jim a "don't you dare" look.

* * *

 **A few hours later...**

Tony is amusing the children with...what else...war stories.

"So there I was, fighting from house to house in Ban Me Thout. It was the hight of the Tet Offensive. We had NVA and Viet Cong coming at us from all sides. My whole team fast roped from a helicoptor into a building that needed clearing out. I gutted the first gook I saw with my knife while our squad leader slit anothers throat and took his AK-47. He's still got it."

"Cool!" all the boys exclaimed in unison.

While this is going on Quinn and Jim are talking. She said "Are you sure it's a good idea to have him telling such graphic stories to the kids?"

Jim said "It builds character to hear the hardships our men in uniform suffer so we can be free."

Sarcastic, Quinn said "How patriotic."

Sandi joins the kids as Tony continues to tell his story. He said "So I took the cartridges out of my shotgun and put in special shotgun shells loaded with napalm. We called it "Dragons Breath". Those commies never knew what hit them. Nothing more fun than listining to a commie scream while he burns alive."

"Ew!" said Sandi.

"Cool!" said Chucky in his usual monotone.

"Still," said Sandi, "I'm having a good time."

In his apathetic monotone, Chucky said to Sandi "Your husband divorced you."

Sandi immediately crys uncontrollably. Tommy said "Grandpa Tony, what's it look like when you shoot a communist with a shotgun that has napalm cartridges?"

Tony spots a squirrel. He reaches for one of the shotguns that Quinn confiscated earlier.

"Like this."

As the squirrel comes within range, Tony aims the gun and fires. The resulting blast rips the squirrel to pieces. Upon seeing this, Quinn gets right in Tony's face.

"YOU GAVE MY BOYS LOADED SHOTGUNS!?"

Tony barked "WELL, WHAT GOOD'S A TOY WITHOUT BATTERIES!?"

Chucky said to the three T's "Your grandfather's cool!"

More openly impressed, Kevin Jr. said "Yeah, he's a total bad ass!"

Quinn now looks worried as it's clear the kids think Tony's recklessness is to be admired.

* * *

 **Evening...**

The cookout has ended and most of the people have left. Tony and Jennifer are getting into the car. Quinn whispered to Jim "The sooner he's gone, the better."

Tony tries to start his GTO, but he can't.

"GOD-F#$%ING-DAMMIT! WHY WON'T THIS DAMN THING START!?"

Jim said "Let me check under the hood, Dad."

Tony pops the hood and Jim looks in. He sees nothing wrong until he unscrews the manifold. The air filter is missing and the latch for the carburetor's gone.

"There's the problem," said Jim, "Your carburetor's missing vital parts. You need a new filter and a fresh latch. It'll take a few hours."

Tony whined "But the sun's setting."

Quinn said "Don't worry. We'll spring for the hotel."

Disappointed, Tony said "Hotel!? Jim, you wouldn't do that to family, would you? Only a spoiled ingrate would do something like that to his own father. Please, son, don't betray me."

Tony even sheds a few crocodile tears. This makes Jim feel guilty.

"Dad, you and Jennifer can stay with us tonight."

Tony said "Come on, jugs, let's commandeer a room."

Without so much as a thank you, Tony and Jennifer enter the house. Quinn immediately pulls Jim aside.

"What the hell, Jim!?"

Jim said "Relax, Quinn. It's just for one night."

Quinn said "I don't want him here, and I really don't want him alone with the boys."

Jim protested "Quinn, he's family. Would you turn away your parents?"

Quinn said "My parents aren't toxic assholes."

Jim asked "What kind of jerk turns his back on family? He's my father. Have you no concept of loyalty?"

Not wanting a fight, Quinn said "I want him out of here by this time tomorrow."

Jim reassured "Don't worry. I'll get the parts first thing tomorrow and he'll be out of here by afternoon. I promise."

Quinn has doubts.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Thursday, October 11...**

It's morning. Jim, Tony, Jennifer, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are seated at the kitchen table while Quinn serves breakfast. Jennifer had offered to help but Tony ordered her not to. Now, Quinn is serving them up. The breakfast is scrambled eggs, bacon and a fruit cup. Tony scrutinizes his breakfast.

"I see eggs, I see bacon, I see a faggy side dish. PANCAKES! SAUSAGE! WHERE'S MY PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE!?"

Folding her arms, Quinn said "That's way too many calories. I'm trying to keep this family healthy. In fact, if you and Jennifer weren't here I wouldn't even have made bacon."

Tony shouted "DON'T BACK TALK ME, WOMAN! A MAN NEEDS A FULL BREAKFAST! SO, FIX ME SOME F$%&ING PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE!"

Trying to keep her temper in check, Quinn said "You want them, make them yourself."

Tony barked "WHAT!? I PISS STANDING UP! Cooking's your job, you red headed harpy. NOW FIX ME SOME GODDAMN PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE!"

Quinn said "My answer's still no. You don't wanna make it yourself, then do without."

Turning to the three T's, Tony said "See what happens, boys? Man doesn't control his woman, man gets deprived of food."

Offended, Quinn said "As much as I'd like to debate the issue, Tony, I'm just a little too busy living in the 21st century."

Jennifer got up from her chair and said "I'll make you some pancakes and sausage, Sergeant Major."

Tony said "Well, get to it, sweet cheeks." and slaps his wife on the ass for good measure.

Quinn rolls her eyes and storms out of the kitchen royally pissed. Tony turns his attention to Jim.

"So, when you gonna get to work on my car, girly man?"

Jim said "I'll go to the auto parts store after breakfast, Dad. And could you please not get on my wife's case?"

Tony stands up, smashes his plate on the table and shakes his fist at Jim.

"DON'T SASS ME, PUSSY-ASS! YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG FOR ME TO THROW YOUR ASS A BEATING!"

Jim winches as this brings up a lot of bad childhood memories.

* * *

 **The driveway, a few hours later...**

Jim has finished putting the new parts in Tony's car while Kevin and Mack help him out. A tripod mounted camera records everything. To the camera, Jim said "And now for a little test. Fire it up, Kevin."

Kevin starts the car. It comes to life with a deafening roar that gives way to a menacing growl. Kevin said "Cool!"

Turning to the camera, Jim said "And that's how you fix the carburator on a 1969 Pontiac GTO Judge. As always, like and subscribe. I'm Jim the Car Guy."

With that, Jim shuts off the camera while Kevin shuts off the car. As Kevin exits the car and Jim puts up the camera Mack brings out a cooler. They each grab a tall cold one.

Cracking open his beer, Mack said "So, I guess this means you father's going home today?"

Taking a sip of his own beer, Jim said "And not a minute too soon. He's really starting to grate on everyone's nerves."

After taking a gulp of his own beer, Kevin lights a cigarette. After one drag he said "Hey, remember your bachelor party, when he took us to the Hellfire Hotel in Philly?"

* * *

 **Begin Flashback...**

Kevin looks at one of the girls. She walks right up to him.

"Hey, stud."

As she practically grinds Kevin, he said "Hey, babe. What's up?"

The woman, a blond with faked boobs and a strapless dress so tight it's a miracle it doesn't fall off, said "Nothing much, sexy. What's your name?"

Visibly turned on, Kevin said "Kevin, I used to be the QB."

"Ohhh, Quarterbacks get me soooooo wet."

Chris, looking very apprehensive, said "Kevin, you're married."

Kevin said "X-nay, dude. She, like doesn't need to know that."

The woman said "I don't care. I'll do things to you your wife never would."

"AWRIGHT!"

Mack asked Chuck "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Chuck said "Yes, and if I wasn't married I'd be all over these feisty ladies. Grrrrooowwwww!"

Apprehensive, Jim asked "Dad, what kind of hotel is this?"

Tony said "Isn't it obvious? I'm buying all youse guys hookers."

Jim, Chris, Chuck and Mack all gasp in shock. Kevin, on the other hand...

"WHOA! Like, thanks, Sergeant Major."

 **End Flashback.**

* * *

Remembering the incident, Jim said "Not every father would do that to...I mean for his son."

Mack asked "Where is your father right now, anyway?"

Jim said "He walked the boys to school today. Beyond that, I don't know."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at a Juggin's restaurant...**

Tony is seated at the bar with Tommy and Timmy next too him. Teddy's not there. Apprehensive, Timmy said "Are you sure it's a good idea for us to miss school, Grandpa Tony? We could get in trouble."

Tommy said "Don't be a wuss, Timmy. Grandpa says it's fine."

Tony said "Your brother's right, Timmy. If Teddy want's to waste time with those liberal pin head intellectual's let him. I'm teaching you boys how to be real men."

At this point, a waitress walks by in her uniform of a skimpy tank top and hot pants. Tony said "Okay, boys, show me what you got."

Meekly, Tommy said "Um, excuse me, miss..."

Tony interrupted "That's not how you do it. You gotta get 'em in the money maker. HEY, HOT STUFF!"

Tony smacks the waitress on her ass. This causes her to stare daggers at him.

"GET ME A BEER AND SODA FOR MY GRANDSONS!"

Keeping her displeasure in check, the waitress jots down the order.

"Anything else, sir?"

Tony said "That's all for now. Now, get going." followed by another smack on the ass. The waitress stares daggers at him but does as she's told. Being a Juggin's waitress it's hardly the first time a customer's gotten fresh with her.

Turning to the boys, Tony said "That's how you do it?"

Tommy and Teddy are visibly impressed.

* * *

 **The basement at Casa Carbone, a little while later...**

Quinn is putting some laundry in the washer when she notices something in the hamper. She reaches in and finds the old air filter and carburator hatch hidden among the dirty clothes. She is now absolutely livid.

"Why, that two-faced, manipulative..."

* * *

 **The home office, a short time later...**

Quinn is showing Jim what she found in the laundry. Jim's reaction is what one would expect.

"I should've known!"

Quinn said "He disabled his own car just so he could stay here and take over this house."

Jim said "We don't know that for sure, Quinn."

Sarcastic, Quinn said "Of course. The parts just hopped out of the car on their own and found their way to one of our laundry baskets. You need to have a talk with him."

Reluctant to confront his father, Jim said "Take it easy. I fixed it. As soon as he gets back I'm sure he and Jennifer will be on their way."

As if on cue, Tony barges in.

"Jim, I've got more car trouble. The fan belts shot. Me and Jennifer are gonna have to stay another night."

With that, Tony walks out. Quinn gives Jim and "I told you so" look.

Jim said "Now, we don't know for sure. Maybe there really is something wrong with the fan belt."

At this point, Teddy entered. He held up an old fan belt.

"I found this in my room."

Jim blushes while Quinn gives him a hostile look.

* * *

 **Evening...**

Tony, Tommy and Timmy are watching TV in the living room. Jim and Quinn enter. Quinn said "Jim, isn't there something you'd like to say to your father?"

Jim is visibly nervous. Tony barked "Out with it, sissy. We're trying to watch TV."

Jim said "Well, I've fixed the carburator and re-installed the fanbelt. You should be good to go in the morning."

Tony said "Actually, I think Jennifer and I will stay a little longer. Catch up with my son and my grandsons. You wouldn't deprive an old man of his family, would you?"

Jim visibly feels guilty, but before he can answer Jennifer enters the room.

"Tony," she said, "Maybe we should think about heading home."

Angry, Tony hissed "What did you say?"

Frightened, Jennifer stuttered "Um...Well..."

Tony yelled "WHAT DID YOU SAY, WOMAN!?"

Tony raises his hand as if to strike his wife. Everyone is now nervous. Instead of hitting Jennifer, however, Tony removes his hearing aid, adjusts it and puts it back in.

"That's better. Now, Jennifer, what were you saying?"

Relieved, Jennifer said "I think we should go home tomorrow."

Tony said "Well, I don't, and since I'm the man what I say goes."

Quinn said "We can discuss this later. Anyway, dinner's ready."

Tony said "Jennifer, set up a TV tray. I'll take my dinner in here."

As Jennifer did as she was told Tommy asked "Mom, can we eat in front of the TV with Grandpa Tony?"

Quinn firmly said "No, and you can't either, Tony. We eat in the kitchen."

Timmy said "But, Mom..."

Quinn said "No 'buts', young man."

Tony said "The boys wanna eat in here."

Quinn, not keen on her authority being undermined, said "In this house, we eat at the table."

At this point, Jennifer has set up Tony's TV tray and brought dinner out. Timmy whined "Mom, we wanna eat in here."

Quinn said "No, and I want Tony to eat at the table with the rest of us."

Jim said "Quinn, give the man a break, please?"

Tony said "About time you stood up to that harpy, Jim." To Jennifer he said "Go on, woman, get me my beer." and punctuated the order by slapping her on the ass. Jennifer giggled as she went to get Tony's beer.

To Quinn, Tommy barked "GO ON, WOMAN, GET ME MY DINNER!" and immediately slapped her on the ass. Quinn gasped in shock. She's about to give her son the mother of ass-chewings when...

"YOU HEARD HIM," Timmy barked, "WHERE'S OUR DINNER, BITCH!" He then slapped Quinn on her ass. Quinn is now visibly furious.

Tony, meanwhile, said "That's how you do it, boys. I'm damn proud of you for showing that bitch her place."

Now, Quinn looks ready to kill someone.

* * *

 **Upstairs, a short time later...**

Timmy and Tommy's rooms are directly across the hallway from each other. As the boys sit in their rooms Jim scolds them.

"...and you can stay in there all night. Honestly, I don't know where you two got the idea that it was okay to slap you own mother on her butt."

With that, Jim angrily closes both doors. He turns around and finds himself face to face with a very irate Quinn.

"I'll tell you exactly where they got the idea from," she said, "Your father."

Jim said "Well, now they'll know better."

Quinn said "That's not the point, Jim. Your father is a bad influence on the boys."

Jim said "Well, what do you want me to do? I can't change my dad."

"No, but you can make him behave himself while he's here. So why don't you?"

Defensive, Jim said "Quinn, he just wants to spend time with his family and you've made it so hard on him."

Sarcastic, Quinn said "Oh, you're absolutely right, Jim. I should've made that poor man his sausage and pancakes. What on earth was I thinking? Maybe it's bacause, according to your father, I'm a woman and therefore can't think."

Jim said "What are you, some feminist?"

Frustrated, Quinn said "I'm no feminist. I'm Quinn Carbone, nee Morgendorffer, wife, mother, YouTuber, woman and human being. I work hard, I play hard and I love hard and I'm expected to look stunning through every second of it. To that end I check my hair every time I pass a mirror, I shave way more of my body than you can possibly imagine and I re-apply makeup at least twenty times a day."

With that, Quinn walks off in a huff. Jim looks dumbfounded.

"Twenty times a day!?"

* * *

 **Friday, October 12th...**

Tony is in the driveway chatting with Kevin, Chuck and Mack. He said "Now that I'm retired I'm considering moving down here. I can make sure my weak-ass son raises those boys right instead of letting his wife fill their heads with a bunch of freedom hating hippie shit."

Mack and Chuck both roll their eyes. Kevin, on the other hand...

"They're freedom hating hippies! That's twisted."

At this point, Jim comes out. He walks right up to his father and says "Dad, we need to talk."

Tony asked "About?"

Jim said "About some of the things you've been telling my boys."

Tony said "I've been telling your boys lots of things. For instance, there's the time I spent three months in a Vietnamese POW camp."

* * *

 **Cambodia, 1971...**

 **Music:** "Rooster" by Alice In Chains

Tony is in a cave. He's also locked in a bamboo cage so small that he has to stay in a fetal position at all times. His teammates are similarly immobilized. They look like military versions of Kevin, Chuck and Mack.

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "The year was 1971. My team was inserted by helicopter across the border in Cambodia. The mission was to disrupt a shipment of enemy supplies on the Ho Chi Minh trail. It went horribly wrong. Charley had us surrounded. Only I and three members of my team lived to be capured. They were Dumbass (Kevin look alike), Skinny (Chuck look alike) and Tex (Mack look alike). They were like you guys, except one of them was from Texas."

Now, we see Tony tied to a bamboo cross with his shirt torn open. North Vietnamese guards are taking turns carving Vietnamese characters into Tony's chest with a knife.

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "We were only ever taken out of our tiny cages to be tortured. After the first month, they'd given up on interrogation and began torturing us just for the fun of it."

Now, we once again see them in their cages. Skinny, however, is now a partially decomposed body.

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "After two months, Skinny died from the injuries inflicted during these torture sessions. They put his body back in the cage and just let him rot right in front of us. The stench of his decaying corpse is one I'll never forget."

Now, we see two guards dragging Tony through the cave.

 **Tony:** (VO from present) "After three months, we were all broken in both body and spirit. At least, that's what we had the enemy thinking."

Tony, Tex, and Dumbass are being forced to play Russian Rolette. When it was his turn, Dumbass said "So...tired...just...wanna...end...it."

A guard said "No talk, play. BAK, BAK, BAK."

"Please...no...more..." Dumbass begged.

One guard held a meat cleaver to Tony's throat while another did the same to Tex. They were forced to watch a third guard use a bamboo stick to bash Dumbass's brains in.

Tony shouted "DUMBASS! YOU FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES!"

The guards placed a new revolver on the table. To Tex, one of the guards said "Play."

Tex spat in the guard's face. The guard shouted "YOU SHOOT, GI! YOU SHOOT!"

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "That's when we made our move."

Tony snatches one of the cleavers and chops one guard in the throat with it. He uses the guards AK-47 to gun down the other two. Cut to a shot of Tony and Tex shooting their way through the jungle.

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "Me and Tex shot our way back across the border."

Now, we see a shot of Tex being ripped apart by heavy machine gun fire.

 **Tony:** (VO, from present) "Tex went down in a hail of bullets. I managed to make it back to friendly territory."

We now see a US patrol happen across Tony, who's carrying Tex's body.

* * *

 **Lawndale, present day...**

Tony is continuing to tell his story.

"I was the only member of my platoon to make it out of that hell alive. I was sent back to the States to recover from my injuries."

Tony takes off his shirt and shows them the scars from his torture sessions.

"It was the worst experience of my life."

Tony puts his shirt back on.

"Now, Jim, what did you want to talk about?"

Jim now feels guilty.

"Nothing, Dad."

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School...**

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are in the cafeteria eating lunch with Kevin Jr. and Q. Kevin Jr. said "Your grandfather took you to Juggins!? Awesome!"

Q, being a girl, said "EWWWW!"

Tommy said "Come on, let's blow this joint."

Timmy said "You coming, Kevin?"

Kevin Jr. said "Yeah."

At this point, a teacher said "Don't forget to bus your trays, boys."

Tommy said "No way. That's women's work."

Timmy said "Yeah, women's work. HEY, Q! BUS MY TRAY!"

He then slaps Q on the butt. Tommy, Timmy and Kevin Jr. then angrily pound their trays on the table while chanting "WOMEN'S WORK! WOMEN'S WORK!"

Other boys join in the protest until it fills the whole cafeteria. One boy then dumps his tray all over a girl. This leads to an all out food fight. The only one who doesn't participate in the riot is Teddy. He continues to eat his lunch despite the chaos all around him until a milk carton hits him and splashes chocolate milk all over him.

* * *

 **Jim's man cave, a short time later...**

Jim is sitting alone having a beer. He's deep in thought.

 _Quinn's right, but Dad's been through so much. She's my wife, but he's my father. Why can't this be simple? How can I choose between her and Dad?_

Jim takes a swig of his beer and sighs.

 _Still, Dad does use his status as a war hero to justify some pretty scummy things. The right thing to do would be call him out on it, so why can't I?_

At this point, Jim has an epiphany.

 _Of course! I'm afraid. I'm afraid of how Dad'll react if I stand up to him._

Jim hangs his head and sighs.

 _I guess the years of abuse have scarred me deeper than I thought._

At this point, Quinn enters.

"Jim, are you okay?"

Jim said "Not really. I just came to the realization that I don't stand up to my father because even after all these years I'm still afraid of him."

Quinn said "So? Considering the way he always treated you how could you not be afraid of him? It's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I think it speaks volumes about your own strength that you're as well adjusted as you are."

Jim smiled.

"Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn said "Anyway, the reason I came down is because I just got a call from the school. Tommy and Timmy have been suspended for inciting a sexist riot during lunch."

Jim said "I'll have a talk with them when we pick them up."

Quinn said "That's another problem. Your father already picked them up. Jamie said he was taking them to a place called the Hellfire Hotel. Do you know what he's talking about?"

Jim's jaw drops and his eyes go wide.

"GAH!"

* * *

 **Downtown Philadelphia, thirty minutes later...**

The Hellfire Hotel is now called the Hotel Frankiln. It looks a lot more respectable than it did eight years ago. In the lobby are a bunch of women in business suits. A sign reads "#METOO Convention." Tony is in the lobby and has Tommy and Timmy with him.

"Grandpa," asked Timmy, "Why are we here?"

Tony beamed "I'm proud of you boys for what you did today. You stood up to the feminazis who are ruining this country. That's why I'm buying youse guys hookers."

Tommy said "What's a hooker?"

Tony said "You boys know what sex is?"

They nod. Quinn and Jim have been proactive when it comes to the birds and the bees. It's also impossible to live in contemporary society and not have at least some idea what sex is by the time you're six.

Tony said "A hooker's a woman you pay for sex."

Timmy said "But we're only six years old."

Tommy said "Yeah, aren't we too young for that stuff?"

Tony looks thoughtful.

"You're probably right. I'll buy myself a hooker and show you first hand what God put women on this earth to do."

The boys are now visibly nervous. At this point, Quinn and Jim enter the lobby. Quinn said "This isn't a brothel in disguise, it's a legit hotel. It's even hosting a #MeToo convention."

Jim said "They must've come under new management in the eight years since I was last here. Thank God."

"MOM!" Tommy and Timmy shouted as they ran to Quinn.

"Mommy," Timmy cried, "I was so scared!"

As she held her sons in a protective embrace, Quinn said "It's okay, boys. Everything's going to be okay."

Jim now has the courage to do what he's never done before, stand up to Tony.

"Dammit, Dad! What the hell are you doing?"

Tony said "Teaching your boys to be men."

Jim got right in Tony's face.

"No, you're teaching them to be toxic assholes. Quinn and I are determined to raise them better than that."

Tony barked "YOU MEAN RAISE THEM TO BE WEAK ASS FAGGOTS!"

Refusing to back down, Jim said "You think anyone who's halfway decent is a weak homosexual and I refuse to let you poison my kids minds any more than you already have."

Tony notices Quinn staring daggers at him.

"I see, she's making you say that. YOU'RE QUINN'S GODDAMN PUPPET!"

Jim said "No, Dad. I'm her husband, lover, best friend, business partner and, most importantly, life partner. Quinn and I are equals. We're a team. But you think women are just sex objects you can boss around. Mom was right to leave you. She was a smart, strong, kind woman with dignity and class and you couldn't stand that. You may not be able to handle a woman who's your equal, but I can. I want my woman to be my equal."

Tony said "Jim, think about what you're doing. You side with Quinn is a slap in my face. I'm a war hero, for chrissake."

Jim said "Sorry you feel that way, Dad. I feel I'm doing the right thing here. I know I am. Now, I had Jennifer pack your stuff. She's waiting outside in the car. It's time for you to go."

Tony angrily said "So, that's how it is, is it?"

He looks like he's about to attack Jim. When Jim doesn't even flinch Tony backs down and looks sad.

"I never thought I'd see the day my youngest son stopped loving me."

Suddenly, Tony smiles.

"WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME! LOVE IS FOR PUSSIES! ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOU HOUSE OF HOOKERS!?"

The women all shake their heads at Tony in disgust. As he walked out, he shouted "I'LL BE BACK IN A FEW MONTHS TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY, SO DON'T YOU WHORES GO JACKING UP YOUR PRICES!"

With that, he left.

* * *

 **A fifties themed drive-in diner, that evening...**

Jim's Camaro pulls into a parking space. Inside, Jim is in the driver seat while Tommy's in the passenger seat and Timmy's in the back. Tommy asked "Dad, whay aren't Mom and Teddy with us?"

Jim said "We need to talk and your mother and I feel it's best that this talk be father to son. Teddy's not here because he's proven he doesn't need this talk. I want you to forget all that crap your grandfather told you. Being a sexist, abusive pig doesn't make you a man. What your grandfather considers a man is what normal people consider a psycho. Listen to your mother. She's a smart woman and knows what she's talking about."

Tommy asked "How can Mom know better than Grandpa Tony?"

Timmy said "Yeah, she's a woman."

Jim said "First off, gender has no relation to intelligence. Second, your mother's smarter than Grandpa Tony. In fact, the only person I know who's smarter than your mother is Aunt Daria, who's also a woman."

Tommy asked "Is Mom smarter than you, Dad?"

Jim said "Yes, and I'm not ashamed to say it."

Timmy asked "Is she smarter than Mr. Ruttheimer?"

"Yes."

Tommy asked "What about Mr. MacKenzie?"

Jim said "She's smarter than him too."

Timmy asked "What about Mr. Thompson?"

Jim said "Jeez, why not compare your mother to a brain dead monkey while you're at it."

Tommy said "But aren't those guys your best friends, Dad?"

Jim said "Wrong. Your mother's my best friend. Your mother and I have the kind of relationship where we're always there for each other and we'll stick up for each other no matter what."

Timmy said "So, everything Grandpa Tony told us is wrong?"

Jim said "Yes. Your mother is my equal partner in everything. there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other."

Tommy asked "Will me or Timmy ever have that kind of relationship with a woman?"

Jim said "Well, not if you go around smacking women on the butt and barking orders at them. Remember, women were not created just to please men."

Ironically enough, after Jim said that a waitress came up to the car to take their order.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

A new family moves in next door. The problem is that they're obnoxious assholes.


	6. Loathe Thy Neighbor

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **Ep. 6**

 **"Loathe Thy Neighbor"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim, Chuck, Mack and Kevin are in the driveway drinking beer. Kevin is also smoking a cigarette. They see a trailer truck come down Bealer Street. Casa Carbone is on the corner of Bealer Street and Lobinskie Lane. The guys watch the truck turn down Lobinskie and pull into the driveway of the first house after Casa Carbone.

Jim said "Looks like a new family's moving into the old Wingfield place."

Mack said "Wanna head over and say hi?"

The other three nod. They make their way to the recently sold house. Two guys emerge from the truck. One looks middle aged while the other is a muscular teenager. As the two open the trailer and start to unload the furniture Kevin is visibly impressed by the young man.

"Dude," he said, "If that guy handles a football as well as he handles a box Lawndale High may have itself a new tight end."

Equally impressed, Mack said "Looks like they're gonna fit in just fine here."

They walk up to the middle aged man. Jim said "Welcome to Lawndale."

The middle aged man said "What are you talking about?"

The teenager said "Yeah, we're just moving the furniture for the family that's moving in."

At this point, a Honda Civic pulls into the driveway. It comes to a stop. Out of the driver side door emerges an Asian man who appears to be in his mid-thirties. He's dressed in a business casual outfit and has his hair cut short and neatly slicked back. From the passenger side emerges a thirty-something Asian woman with straight shoulder length hair wearing a skirt and wing tee. From the back of the car emerges an Asian girl of about six years age. She's wearing a t-shirt and jeans. The guys immediately walk up to them.

To the man, Jim extended his hand in greeting.

"Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm Jim Carbone. I live right next door."

The Asian man said in heavily accented English "Chan Wang."

They shake hands when suddenly Chan cries out "DAMN! What you trying to do? Crush my hand."

After the handshake, Jim said "These are some of my other neighbors. Kevin Thompson, he lives on the other sied of me. Mack MacKenzie, who lives a few houses down Bealer from Kevin, and Chuck Ruttheimer, who's just a block up the road."

Chan introduced his family.

"This my wife, Ming, and our daughter, Michelle."

* * *

 **The Wang's back yard, a short time later...**

While the movers set up the furniture Jim, Chuck, Mack and Kevin are talking with Chan. Chan said "...so I take job at Grace, Sloan and Paige and we move here."

Kevin said "That's a cool accent, dude. Where are you from?"

Mack said "Kevin, that's a little rude."

Chan said "Is okay. I have accent, no secret English my second language."

Jim said "So, if you don't mind us asking, where are you from?"

Chan said "For past twelve year we live all up and down West Coast, but originally from Shanghai."

Kevin said "Dude, I've never heard of a country called Shanghai."

A little irritated, Chan said "Is no country. Is third largest city in China, after Beijing and Hong Kong."

Kevin said "Cool! Do you know any ninjas."

Growing more frustrated, Chan said "That Japanese. We Mandarin Chinese."

Confused, Kevin said "Uhhh...What?"

Chan, losing his patience, said "We Mandarin Chinese. From China."

Kevin said "Cool! So, do you know Jackie Chan?"

Chan graons in frustration. Mack said "You have to excuse Kevin."

Chuck added "Yeah, he's a good guy, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed."

Chan said "I can see that."

Kevin said "Yeah, I used to be the QB. So, like, do you know Kung Fu?"

Chan said "That stereotype, stupid." He then mutters a few obscenities in Mandarin.

* * *

 **The following afternoon...**

Tommy and Timmy are playing tag with Kevin Jr. in the front yard of Casa Carbone while Teddy sits off to the side and reads Animal Farm. Tommy tags Timmy.

"You're it."

Timmy tries to tag Tommy but can't. His attempts to tag Kevin Jr. meet with similar failure as both he and Tommy are much faster runners than Timmy. Six year old Michelle Wang passes by, walking the families Pekenese Terrior. The boys stop playing.

"Check it out," said Kevin Jr., "That's the new kid."

They stop the game. Tommy asked Michelle "What's your name?"

Michelle, speaking perfect English with a trace of a Southern California accent, said "Michelle Wang."

Tommy said "I'm Tommy Carbone, this is my brother Timmy, and this is our best friend, Kevin."

Michelle notices Teddy continue to read.

"Who's he?"

Tommy said "Just our weirdo brother, Teddy."

Ignorinig the other boys, Michelle walks right up to Teddy. She notices the book he's reading.

"You read Orwell!?"

Teddy said "I'm surprised you know who that is."

Michelle said "I just finished 1984 myself."

Teddy said "You've read that!?"

Michelle nodded.

* * *

 **A Short time later...**

As Michelle continues to walk her dog she and Teddy are talking.

"...so my mom taught me to read when I was three years old and my father makes me take a practice SAT every summer."

Teddy, amazed to finally meet another kid as smart as he is, said "I'm actually impressed. What else do you do?"

Michelle said "Music. I'm a prodigy on the piano."

Teddy said "Well, better than singing Pop Goes The Weasel in music class."

Michelle said "Tell me about it. Learning would be fun if school didn't get in the way."

Teddy said "Well, school gives me a chance to sleep. If only because my classmates are retarded and the teacher's are shockingly ignorant."

Michelle said "At least we don't have to worry about them intimidating us with their smarts."

The two kids smile as it becomes clear that Teddy has just found the Jane to his Daria.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in the dinning room having the Wang's over for dinner. Quinn said "It's so nice of you to come over."

Ming said "No problem, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn said "Please, call me Quinn."

Quinn said "So, Chan, Jim tells me you work at Grace, Sloan and Paige."

Chan said "Yeah. I new senior data analyst. Jim, what you do?"

Jim said "Quinn and I are YouTuber's. My channel's called Jim The Car Guy and Quinn's is called Smores 'n' Pores."

Chan said "So, you glorified grease monkey."

Jim is offended, but holds his tongue. Quinn said "My channel's about food and skin care."

"Really," said Ming, "Care to share recipies with me?"

Before Quinn can answer, Chan said "And, since you parent, while you at it maybe explain why Lawndale test scores so low."

Ming bragged "I know why. They no have Michelle to bring up average."

Quinn said "Teddy's really smart, too."

In an accusing tone, Chan asked "What about other two?"

Jim said "All three of our boys are smart."

Chan asked Tommy "What square root of four?"

Tommy looks like a deer in the headlights (though, to be fair no first grader knows the answer since you typically don't learn that stuff until middle school). Ming said "What I thought, he not smart. What about fat one?"

Quinn now stares daggers at both Chan and Ming. Jim tries to ease the tension.

"Um, Isn't it time for desert?"

Ming said "Yeah, you go make video we eat."

Chan mockingly said "After dinner, grease monkey Jim can work on car."

* * *

 **After the Wangs have left...**

"I can't believe those people," Quinn fumed, "You do not come into a couples home, insult their kids and make fun of what they do for a living."

Jim said "Come on, Quinn. They just don't know any better."

Quinn said "Anyone knows how to be polite."

Jim said "Think about it, Quinn. They're immigrants. Chan and Ming grew up in a totally different culture. Remember when you were a teenager and moved here from Texas."

Remembering, Quinn said "I once called a Mint Julip a Mojito and I thought 79 degrees was chilly."

Jim said "Exactly. They just need some time to adjust."

Quinn looks thoughtful.

"Maybe I am overreacting a little."

* * *

 **The following afternoon...**

Jim is trimming his hedges while the family dog, Stripe, lounges in the fall sun. Michelle walks by with her own dog. She's impressed by Stripe.

"That's a nice dog, Mr. Carbone."

Jim said "She's an Italian Greyhound. Her name's Stripe. If I'm not mistaken, your dog's a Pekenese Terrier."

Nodding, Michelle said "His name's Furball."

Furball walks up to Stripe and sniffs her. At this point, Teddy comes out.

"Hey, Michelle."

Michelle said "Hi, Teddy."

At this point, Chan comes out of his house.

"MICHELLE," he yelled, "WHAT YOU DOING IN NEIGHBOR YARD?"

Jim walked up to Chan.

"It's alright, Chan. I was showing her my dog and my son came out."

The parents look at Michelle and Teddy. Jim said "Teddy has trouble making friends, but he seems to get along with your kid."

Chan bragged "Michelle straight-A student, musical prodigy and popular. What Teddy have going for him?"

Jim said "He's a straight-A student who reads at a high school level."

Chan said "He no popular and Michelle read at college level. Your family suck."

Offended, Jim said "Now, hold on..."

He's interrupted by Teddy.

"Dad, you need to see this."

Jim and Chan both see Furball trying to hump Stripe. Jim pulls Furball off of Stripe.

"Get off of her."

Laughing, Chan said "Hey, Jim, you're dog real slut. How much she charge for blowjob?"

Keeping his temper in check, Jim said "She's in heat. Maybe if you kept an eye on your dog..."

Chan barked "Furball good dog. Your dog whore who seduce him."

Losing it, Jim said "That's it! I've tried to be nice but you insist on being a jerk."

Chan said "I no jerk, you loser."

Ignoring Chan, Jim tries to get Stripe into the house.

"Hey, Jim, you do beastiality video. Make some money, monkey boy."

Jim shouted back to Chan "SHUT UP, ASSHOLE!"

Chan said "I no asshole. YOU MUSCLE HEADED GUIDO!"

Jim shouted back "I SEE. BECAUSE I LIVE IN NEW JERSEY AND HAVE AN ITALIAN LAST NAME I MUST BE SOME KIND OF GUIDO!" Under his breath, he added "Damn, stuck-up chink."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Jim is in the back yard, which is fenced in, tying Stripe to a post. He said "Sorry, girl. I know you like to lay in the sun while I do yard work but as long as you're in heat I have to do this, if only to protect your virtue and good name."

At the same time as this is going on Quinn is backing her Cadillac out of the driveway to go do some grocery shopping. As she pulls out into Bealer Street Ming runs up to the car.

"QUINN, STOP! WE NEED TO TALK!"

Quinn puts the car in park and rolls down the window.

"What do you want, Ming?"

Ming said "I want to apologize for my husband's behavior at dinner the other night, and my own. I shouldn't have let him mock your whole family like that, and it was especially rude of me to join in. I sorry, we get off to bad start."

Quinn said "You know, in this country it's considered very rude for dinner guests to insult their hosts."

Ming said "Is same in China. Chan was jerk to insult you, and I was jerk to join in. I very sorry. Also, I never answer your question. I'd love to be in one of your videos. Friends?"

As Ming extends her hand Quinn examines Ming's face. The expression Ming has is one of genuine sincerity. Quinn shakes Ming's hand and smiles.

"Friends."

Now, Ming smiles.

* * *

 **Wang house, a short time later...**

Ming and Chan are at the kitchen table having a discussion. Ming said "Well, I apologize and Quinn accept. We friends now. I hope this only damage control I have to do. We make bad first impression."

Chan defiantly said "No we don't. Neighbors too uptight to take joke. Also, they white, which mean they ignorant rednecks."

Ming pleaded "Chan, please be more open minded."

At this point, Ming gets an idea.

"I know, we have cookout. We invite whole neighborhood."

Chan is less than enthusiastic, but goes along.

"Fine, but no invite Carbones."

Deflated, Ming asked "How come? Quinn my friend now."

Folding his arms, Chan said "I no like Jim. He stupid guinea."

Losing her patience, Ming said "Dammit, Chan, you always do this. Make judgements about neighbors based on stereotypes. You always pick fights with neighbors and turn whole community against us. You get us deported from China, you get us chased first out of San Francisco, then chased out of Seattle, then chased out of San Diego. I TIRED OF RUNNING! This time, please try not to piss off neighbor. I no moving again."

Defeated, Chan muttered a few obscenities in Mandarin before saying "FINE! I invite stupid neighbors to stupid cookout!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Jim and Quinn are in the home office. Jim is paying some bills while Quinn goes through the mail. She spots the invitation to the Wang's cookout.

"Jim, Chan and Ming invited us to a cookout."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "I'm not going. Not after all the insults Chan hurled at me the other day."

Quinn said "Jim, this is the perfect opportunity for you to make peace with Chan. After all, I've made peace with Ming."

Jim said "I'm not making peace with that jerk. No damn way."

Quinn said "Jim, you have to be nice to Chan, for our family's reputation if nothing else."

Jim said "Quinn, what are you talking about?"

Quinn said "Jim, honey, if you don't make nice with Chan people are going to assume you don't like him because he's Asian. They'll all think that you, Jim Carbone, are a racist."

Jim said "That's ridiculous. I'm not racist. One of my best friends is black, for chrissake."

Quinn said "You could still be prejudiced against Asians."

Jim said "Quinn, you know me better than that. I don't like Chan because he's condescending and rude. This has nothing to do with him being Asian and everything to do with him being an asshole."

Folding her arms, Quinn said "That's not how it'll look to people who see you two not getting along."

Frustrated, Jim said "What!? I can only have a problem with someone if they're white."

Quinn said "Yes. It's not fair, but that's the way it is."

Jim defiantly said "I'm not going to that cookout."

Losing her patience, Quinn channels her inner Helen and gets right in Jim's face.

"Dammit, Jim, this is not open for debate! I'll not have everyone thinking I married a racist! To that end, we are going to the Wang's cookout and while we are there you are going to pretend that you like Chan and drink until you actually do!"

Jim lets out a defeated sigh. He knows better than to argue with Quinn when she gets like this.

* * *

 **The Wang's backyard, the day of the cookout...**

Quinn, Jim and their boys arrive. The whole neighborhood is there. Jim is carrying a bowl of spaghetti in meat sauce. They walk up to Chan and Ming. Jim said "Thanks for inviting us."

Chan said "Ming's idea." in a hostile tone.

Ignoring the tone, Jim said "About the other day, no hard feelings?"

Chan said nothing. Jim said "I brought something for the cookout. Spaghetti in Sunday Gravy."

Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Chan said "You put gravy on noodles."

Jim said "Gravy as in tomato sauce with beef and pork in it."

Chan barked "Put it on table, you stupid guinea."

Jim angrily said "Now, you listen here.."

"JIM!" Quinn barked.

Jim said "I didn't mean to lose my temper just now."

Chan said "You still white bread dago. No need ginzo food at cookout."

Ming menacingly said "Chan Wang!"

Softening, Chan said "Fine! Jim, you honor me with disgusting side dish."

As Jim puts the spaghetti on the table and Chan fires up the grill, Quinn and Ming get to talking. Quinn said "Well, Ming, at least we get along."

Ming said "You said it. Not like bull headed husbands. Men stupid. Oh, I want to show you something."

Ming leads Quinn to the table. Sandi, Stacy, Brittany and Lindy are enjoying fudge brownies. Especially Lindy, due to pregnancy induced cravings.

Ming said "I get brownie recipie from Smores 'n' Pores video. Tell me what you think."

Quinn tries a brownie and frowns.

"These don't taste like my brownies. Are you sure you got the recipie right?"

Ming said "I take brownie recipie and make it better. I add nutmeg."

Finishing a brownie, Lindy said "You know, Quinn, I always found your brownies a little hard to swallow, but these are incredable."

Stacy added "Yeah, you should add Ming's recipies to your channel."

Ming hands Quinn a piece of paper.

"Here. Is desert recipie. Now you no longer disappoint husband, friends and YouTube viewers."

Quinn silently seethes with jealousy.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the grill...**

Jim, Chuck, Mack, Kevin and Chris are watching Chan grill the burgers. Chris said "Chan, you might wanna flip them now."

Chan said "Not yet."

Jim said "Chan, my brother's right. You really wanna flip those burgers now."

"Too soon."

Kevin said "Dude, you're gonna burn them."

"No I not."

Panicking, Mack tries to take the spatula away from Chan.

"You're gonna burn them."

Chan said "Get away from me, crazy black man!"

Chuck said "Jesus Christ, Chan, you're burning them!"

Shoving a finished burger in Chuck's face, Chan barked "SHUT MOUTH AND OPEN MOUTH!"

Chuck holds the hamburger and bites a chunk ot of it. Afterwards, he stares at the rest of the burger in awe.

"My...God!," a huge smile forms on Chuck's face, "This is the best burger I've ever had!"

He isn't the only one who thinks so. Within minutes everyone there is pigging out on Chan's burgers.

That is, everyone but Sandi. She eyes Chan and Ming with great suspicion.

* * *

 **The Wang's front yard, a while later...**

Furball is tied to a tree by his leash. Michelle and Teddy look at the dog and feel sorry for him.

Michelle said "I know just how he feels. My Dad can be such an autocrat."

Teddy said "So can our teachers."

Michelle gets an idea.

"Let's untie Furball and play with him."

Teddy said "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Michelle said "Don't worry. He won't run off. Where's your sense of adventure?"

Teddy sighed "Okay."

With that, they disconnected Furball's collar from the leash. He cuddles up to both Michelle and Teddy.

Teddy said "You were right, Michelle. This isn't so bad."

At this point, a car passes by. Furball jumps out of the kids laps and chases after it. Michelle shouted "FURBALL, NO!"

Furball continues to chase the car. Both the dog and the car disappear around the corner as Michelle and Teddy persue on foot. After they've left Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Lindy emerge from the Wang's backyard.

"Well," said Stacy, "Those were the best burgers ever."

Quinn fumed "If only Ming didn't show me up."

Lindy said "Come on, Quinn. So Ming improved on your brownie recipie."

Calming down, Quinn said "I guess I can let it slide. Those burgers were so good I couldn't stop myself. I'm gonna need to do an extra hour on the treadmill."

Lindy said "No kidding. I pigged out on fifteen of those babies. Then again," Lindy pats her baby bump, "I did just start my third trimester."

Stacy asked "How many did you have, Sandi?"

Her long lost haughtiness returning, Sandi said "None."

Not believing her, Quinn said "Come on, Sandi. What's an extra hour of cardio to work them off. You don't have to be embarrassed. I had three of them myself."

Sandi said "No, I refused to eat any meat served by the Wangs."

Stacy asked "How come?"

Sandi holds up the empty leash around the tree.

"I don't eat dog."

The other three women gasp in shock.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in bed preparing to call it a night. Jim can't get over how fantastic Chan's burgers were. He said "Man, there's nothing those Asians can't make better. First cars, then TVs, then computers and now burgers."

Remembering how upstaged she felt by Ming's improvements on her brownie recipe, Quinn said "And MY brownies."

Jim playfully said "Why, Quinn, if I didn't know any better I'd think you're jealous. And weren't you the one who wanted me to make nice with the Wangs."

Quinn said "This is different. I take a certain sense of pride in my baking expertise and Ming just swooped in and took it away."

Jim said "Look at it this way, Quinn, Ming gave you enough recipes to make three months worth of Smores 'n' Pores videos. In a way, she did you a favor by making your job easier."

Quinn sighs at the realization that she is being a bit of a bitch about the issue.

"You're right, Jim. It's just that I get very possessive."

Jim said "Just remember, Ming's trying to be nice, even if it does seem condescinding at times."

Quinn said "You wanna hear something messed up?"

Jim nods.

Quinn said "Sandi thinks the Wang's used dog meat in those burgers."

Jim starts laughing. When the laughter stops, he said "Man, she's the last person I'd expect to buy into that stereotype."

Quinn said "That's not even the most messed up part. I did some research on the internet. Apparently, some Asians really do eat dog meat."

Jim's jaw dropped.

"You're kidding!"

Quinn said "I wish I was."

Jim turned serious.

"You don't seriously believe they served us dog meat, do you? Those burgers tasted like beef to me."

Quinn said "That's what I keep telling myself. On the other hand, how would we even know what dog meat tastes like. It's not like we've ever eaten it. At least not knowingly."

Jim said "You actually think they served us dog meat!?"

Quinn said "I don't know. I'd like to think Sandi's just being ignorant, but who knows."

Now, Jim is legitimately worried.

 _What if they did serve us dog meat?_

* * *

 **The next day...**

Jim blowing leaves off the sidewalk along the side of the house facing Lobinskie Lane. He looks over at the Wang house and has the following thought.

 _I haven't seen Furball since before the cookout. What if that's because they butchered him into hamburger and we ate him?_

Seeking to put his mind at ease, Jim shuts off the leaf blower and quietly walks over to the Wang house.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the backyard of Casa Carbone...**

Teddy and Michelle are pacing around nervously.

"This is bad," said Michelle, "If my parents find out I lost Furball I'll be grounded until I'm 40."

Teddy said "And when my parents find out I was involved I'm gonna catch some serious hell."

Just then, they saw Stripe sniffing around the backyard (which is fenced in). Michelle gets an idea.

"Of course! Stripe's a greyhound."

Teddy said "That's right. We can use her to track down Furball."

Teddy attaches the leash to Stripe while Michelle takes one of Furball's chew toys out of her pocket. They open the gate and walk down the driveway with it. Michelle holds the toy in front of Stripe's nose.

"Go on, Stripe. Find Furball."

Stripe gets so excited that she pulls free of Teddy's grip. The greyhound then runs up Bealer Street and out of site. Both kids gasp in horror at having now lost both dogs.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Wang house...**

Jim is outside, eavesdropping by the kitchen window. Inside, Ming is on the phone.

"Hello, Lawndale animal shelter."

Jim listens intently. He heard Ming say "Sweet dog...Have big cookout yesterday and dog run out..."

Jim immediately jumps to the worst conclusion.

 _My God, it's true! They did serve us dog meat!_

Jim stands up and Ming sees him.

"Oh, Hi, Jim. You want come in?"

Jim runs off in a panic. Once he's gone, Ming returns to her phone conversation.

"You let us know if you find our dog...Thank you."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, less than a minute later...**

Quinn is in the kitchen setting up for a video when Jim charges in.

"QUINN, DON'T COOK ANY OF MING'S RECIPES!"

Irritated at the interruption, Quinn said "Jim, what the hell!?"

Jim said "The Wang's did serve us dog meat! I was just over there and I saw Ming on the phone placing an order with some kind of dog butcher."

Quinn gasps in horror.

* * *

 **The driveway, a short time later...**

Quinn is talking to Sandi, Stacy and Lindy. She said "...and Jim caught Ming ordering more dog meat. When she saw him he ran and told me right away. You were right, Sandi, they did serve us dog meat."

Lindy said "I don't know what's making me more nauseous, the pregnancy or the fact that I ate 15 dog burgers."

While Lindy vomits, Sandi said "This is bad, Quinn. They know that you know, so now they have to silence you."

Stacy said "You think they'd go that far, Sandi?"

Sandi said "Maybe they won't kill Quinn and Jim, but they may try to intimidate them."

Stacy looks frightened as something occurs to her.

"Where's Stripe?"

Quinn said "She was in the back yard last time I saw...", Quinn notices that the gate to the back yard is open, "...STRIPE!"

Panicked beyond all capacity for reason, all four women head for the back yard and find that Stripe isn't there. Quinn assumes the worst.

"I'm heading over there."

Driven by panic, Quinn rushes over to the Wang house. She looks in the kitchen window and sees Ming chopping fresh meat. She assumes the worst.

"STRIPE! NOOOOO!"

Driven by righteous fury, Quinn angrily pounds on the door.

"MING! CHAN! OPEN UP RIGHT NOW!"

Ming opens the door.

"Quinn, what you doing?"

Quinn barked "Stopping you, you goddamn puppy killer!"

Offended, Ming said "What you talking about?"

Quinn hissed "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, you heartless monster!"

Ming shouted "YOU CRAZY! I CALL POLICE!"

Quinn shouted "IF ANYONE'S CALLING THE POLICE IT'S GONNA BE ME, YOU PET MURDERER!"

At this point, Teddy and Michelle run up to them. Teddy shouted "MOM, NO!"

Michelle said "We lost the dogs."

Teddy explained "We wanted to play with Furball so we took him off his leash and he ran off after a car."

Michelle continued "We tried to use Stripe to track him down, but she ran off."

A huge sense of relief filled Quinn.

Ming barked at her daughter "YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER, MICHELLE!"

Going into stern parent mode, Quinn said "I am very disappointed in you, Theodore Carbone!"

Ming scolded "Michelle Wang, you fall in with bad crowd! You lose our beloved pet!"

Quinn said "You made me fight with our new neighbors."

Ming said "You make neighbor lady go crazy."

Then, both mothers at the same time...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

As the kids do what they're told, Ming and Quinn exchange impressed looks. Ming said "You just say go to room, like me!?"

Quinn said "So it seems."

Ming asked "You spank?"

Quinn said "Don't believe in it."

Ming said "Me neither, I think corporal punishment barbaric."

Quinn said "Me too. Grounding and taking away toys and privilages is way more effective."

Ming said "That what I usually do when Michelle misbehave."

Quinn asked "When she acts up at dinner, do you send her to bed without dessert?"

Ming said "Work every time."

Quinn has an epiphany.

"I guess we're not so different after all."

At this point, Strip and Furball both come running up the street.

"STRIPE!"

"FURBALL!"

Stripe runs up and licks Quinn while Furball does the same with Ming.

"I'm so glad the dogs are alive!" said Quinn.

Ming said "Of course! What you think happen, Quinn?"

Supremely embarrassed, Quinn said "Never mind. Sorry I got so crazy on you, Ming."

Ming shrugs.

"Honest mistake. We still friends."

Quinn hugs Ming.

"Welcome to Lawndale."

 **End.**

 **Next Time**

A fire and brimstone preacher is determined to put a stop to Halloween and finds an unlikely ally in Sandi.


	7. Hell-oween

**Opening Montage**

 **Song:** "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

We see a dark and stormy night. Zoom in on a pair of iron gates with a sign over them that reads "Lawndale Cemetary". The gates swing open. From two graves emerge zombie versions of Helen and Jake. This is followed by a fiery pit opening up. Devil versions of Jim and Quinn emerge. Next, we see a zombie version of Jane feasting on a freshly killed corpse. We next see a vampire Daria sucking Tom's blood. Cut to a dank lab. A mad scientist version of Chuck throws a switch. Electric bolts animate a corpse under a large white sheet. The corpse rises and is revealed to be Kevin as Frankenstein's Monster while Chuck laughs meniacally in the background. Next, we see Trent as Zombie Michael Jackson leading zombie versions of the rest of Mystik Spiral in the Thriller Dance. Then, we see Joey's eviscerated corpse on the ground while Sandi stands over him with a blood soaked butcher knife laughing. She is suddenly decapitated by a machete. The machete is wielded by Stacy wearing a goalie mask a la Jason Vorhees. Next, we see her mangled by Lindy as Freddy Kruger. Finally, a montage of all of them in a Hell presided over them by the davil Quinn and Jim. Then, the screen goes black. In dripping, blood red letters we see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 7**

 **"Hell-oween"**

 **written by**

 **MadWerewolfJJ**

 **Bealer Street, Lawndale, evening...**

The trees are now a wonderful collage of red, brown, orange and yellow which, combined with all of the Halloween decorations, let's us know it's fall. In the garage of Casa Carbone Kevin is lying dead on the floor while Jim draws a chalk line around him. When Jim's finished...

"All right, Kevin, get up."

Kevin gets up out of the chalk line.

"Cool!"

Just then, they look up into the rafters. Mack is up there, dangling from a noose as if dead from hanging. He suddenly springs to life.

"MYUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Jim said "Perfect. If I didn't know that the noose was fake and you were actually being held up by cables and a safety harness that would've scared the living crap out of me."

They lower Mack down and walk towards a black cardboard wall. A witch suddenly springs out in front of them and cackles menacingly. A second later, Chuck emerges from behind the wall. The witch is actually a puppet that Chuck is holding on a long wooden stick. Chuck himself is the one who's actually cackling. He asked "How was that?"

Mack said "Perfect."

Kevin said "This year's haunted house is gonna be awesome."

Jim said "I can't wait to see the look on Jamie's face when we set this up in the gym for the school's annual "Lewis Elementary House Of Horrors". I think we've outdone ourselves this year."

* * *

 **The kitchen, a short time later...**

After the other guys have gone home Jim, Quinn, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are sitting down to dinner. Quinn asked "How's this year's haunted house coming along, Jim?"

Jim said "Great! We finished building all of the props, and tomorrow we're taking them to the school to set up in the gym."

Quinn turns her attention to the three T's.

"So, boys, what do you want to be for Halloween this year?"

Tommy said "I'm gonna be Count Chocula."

Jim said "Don't you mean Count Dracula."

Tommy asked "Who's that?"

Jim rolls his eyes.

Timmy said "I wanna be that guy in the hockey mask. You know, in all those movies about camp counselors being hacked to death."

Teddy said "His name is Jason Vorhees, and the movie franchise is called Friday The 13th. I wanna be Freddy, from Nightmare on Elm Street."

Jim immediately starts to reminisce.

"I remember Halloween when I was your age."

* * *

 **Fayetteville, North Carolina (near Fort Bragg), Halloween night, 1986...**

 **Music:** "Peanuts Theme"

An eight year old Chris is leading a six year old Jim and a bunch of their friends trick-or-treating. Chris is dressed as Freddy Kruger while one of his buddies is dressed as Jason. Jim is dressed in a devil costume while one of his friends in dressed as a ghost. The boy in the Jason mask said "I can't believe your mom made us take these two babies along."

Chris said "I just hope Jim doesn't we his pants."

The boy in the ghost costume asked "What's your brother's problem, Jim?"

Jim said "He's pissed that Mom made him go with us instead of letting him go with the rest of his friends."

Chris barked "Shut up, you little turd, or I'll tell Dad you spraypainted his CO's car."

The four walk up to a house. A woman answers the door.

"TRICK OR TREAT!"

In a southern accent, the woman said "Oh, my gracious. Ain't you the scariest little things."

She gives them each a Hershey bar.

"Happy Halloween."

She closes the door. The boys look disappointed.

"Only one Hershey bar!?" said Jim.

Jim's friend said "This bites!"

Chris and his friend exchange smiles. Chris said "Let's teach the babies the other part of Trick-or-Treat."

His friend gets out a bag full of egg cartons and toilet paper. The kids proceed to TP and egg the hell out of the house. Jim and Chris even knock down the mail box for good measure.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Lawndale, present day...**

Jim fondly remembers the incident.

"It was one of the few times my brother and I actually got along back then."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in another part of town...**

There's a church with a huge plaque out front. The plaque reads "Lawndale Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ". Inside a large room in the church is a bunch of people who are getting ready to attend a prayer meeting. Among those in attendence are Sandi and the missionary who visited her last month, Shawna. Sandi said "Sorry I tried to come on to you last month."

Shawna said "That's okay. Glad you finally saw the light. Maybe we can help you free yourself from you sinful bisexuality."

Sandi said "I'm ready to give faith a try."

At this point, a man in casual clothes emerges. He said "Welcome to tonight's meeting of the Halleujah Club. We have a new convert to our flock. A young woman who, after years of sin and suffering, is ready to give herself to our lord and savior. Let's have a hand for Sandi Griffin."

As they applaud, Sandi smiles. She likes feeling popular again.

"Now," said the man, "I'd like to introduce our chief pastor, Reverend Angela Li."

Rev. Li emerges, and it's the same Li who was once the principal of Lawndale High.

"Welcome, all." she said, "And may the Lord bless each and everyone of you. Miss Griffen, I'm glad to see that you're ready to accept Jesus as your lord and savior. Why not tell us a little about yourself?"

Sandi stands up. She said "Thank you, everyone. I was a lost cause, or so I thought. In high school I was the quintessential mean girl. Being attractive and popular was all I cared about. In my first year of college I was led to sin by a woman who seduced me into sexual immorality. I lost my family because of this. Then came the job as a stripper, tempting others to sins of the flesh. Then I got married to a man who was unfaithful and eventually left me for an 18 year old girl. I am now ready to renounce my sinful ways and let Christ into my heart."

As Sandi sits down, they all give her a round of applause. Rev. Li said "Wonderful. Now, let me share a little about my self. I, too, once lived a life of sin and decadence. As principal of Lllllaaaawndale High I believed myself above the laws of both God and man. This led to my downfall as I was eventually arrested for embezzlement and fraud. While in prison I began to read the Bible. I became a born again Christian. I decided to dedicate the rest of my life in service to the Lord. I became an ordained minister and, upon completing my sentence, founded the Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ. We continued to crusade in his name, to bring His glorious kingdom to this earth. We now face a new enemy in that pursuit."

Rev. Li pulls out a simple Halloween decoration. It's a cut out of a witch on a broomstick.

"Do you know what this is?"

Sandi said "It's a witch."

Rev. Li asked "And do you know what holiday is approaching?"

Sandi said "Halloween."

Li said "Yes. A holiday founded by witches."

Sandi said "But, witches aren't real."

Li said "That's what Satan wants you to believe. Halloween was first celebrated by the Druids with virgin sacrifices to false idols. All who celebrate it, whether they know it or not, are worshipping Satan."

Sandi looks horrified.

* * *

 **All Mart, the following afternoon...** *

*( **A/N:** Yes, All Mart is based on Wal Mart.)

Quinn and Jim are taking the boys shopping for Halloween costumes. Both are disappointed by the selection.

Quinn, with mounting frustration, said "Clown...care bear...Aladdin...Sara Jean Underwood!?"

Jim grumbled "Where are the gosts, ghouls, goblins and psycho killers?"

Teddy looked at a package.

"I guree I can Trick-or-Treat as Bill Nye The Science Guy."

Timmy said "I changed my mind. I wanna go as Selena Gomez."

Taking the package from his son, Jim explained "No way. That's not Halloween, that's cross-dressing. I don't know how to tell you what everyone will think if you go around dressed as a girl."

Tommy said "This sucks. I wanted to be something scary."

At this point a person in an All Mart smock walks by. Quinn said "Excuse me."

The All Mart employee turned around. Quinn and Jim are shocked when they see who she is.

"Caan...Iiii...heellp...yooou?"

Quinn gasped "Tiffany!?"

At this point, Tiffany recognizes her.

"Quiinnnn!?"

Quinn asked "Why are you working at All Mart? I thought you married Steve Taylor."

Tiffany drawled "Steevve...divorrced...mee...Hee...saaid...myy...loooks...weere...starrting...toooo...goooo."

Quinn and Jim both roll their eyes as this surprises no one.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Tommy emerges in Jim's old devil costume from when he was six. He said "Cool!"

Jim said "Yep, it fits. Good thing I didn't become fat until fifth grade."

Quinn, meanwhile, uses a pair of scissors to cut out a pair of eye holes in a white sheet.

"There. Come here, Teddy."

Quinn draps the sheet over Teddy. He looks like a ghost with glasses.

"A ghost," he deadpanned, "How original."

Quinn said "I'm sorry, but with All Mart trying to be, quote-unquote, family friendly this is the best we can do."

Jim said "Now, we just have to come up with something for Timmy."

Timmy said "If Selena Gomez is a no go can I be Demi Lovato?"

Jim now visibly worries about his son's future sexual orientation. At this moment, the doorbell rings. Quinn said "I'll get it."

She answers the front door. It's Sandi.

"Hey, Quinn."

"Sandi, come on in."

Quinn leads Sandi to the kitchen, where the boys are trying on their costumes. Jim explained "We were just making Halloween costumes for the boys."

Sandi said "I don't think you should celebrate Halloween. It's a Satanic holiday."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Sandi, you can't seriously believe that."

Sandi said "No, it's true. I decided I needed God in my life so I joined the Lawndale Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ. Reverend Li said that Halloween was started by Druids who worshipped Satan by sacrificing babies."

Jim said "Sandi, that's a load of crap and you know it."

Quinn said "Yeah. Halloween's just harmless fun."

Seeing Tommy's devil costume, Sandi said "Then explain that."

Jim said "It's just a costume."

Quinn said "Yeah, we're gonna take the boys trick-or-treating, that's all. We're not going to do any devil worship or anything like that."

Sandi said "You don't see it, do you. You don't know that you're pawns of the devil."

At this point, something occurs to Quinn.

"Li!? As in Angela Li?"

Sandi said "Yes. She accepted Jesus while she was in prison. She's the head of the Fellowship."

Quinn said "That explains a lot."

Jim asked "Who's this Angela Li?"

Quinn said "She was the principal at our old high school."

Jim said "The self-aggrandizing one who got herself arrested!?"

Quinn and Sandi both nod.

Jim said "There goes her credibility right there. Sandi, you're taking spiritual advice from a convicted felon."

Sandi said "She's since repented."

Quinn said "And now spews a bunch of ignorant crap. If you really want to get in touch with your spiritual side I have a book about angels that can get you started."

Sandi said "I'm trying to save you people. For the sake of your immortal souls, please renounce Halloween."

Jim said "Let's be honest here, Sandi. These people make you feel welcome and accepted."

Sandi nods.

Jim continued "So, to fit in you blindly do whatever they tell you. That's not a church, that's a cult. You're being taken advantage of."

Angry, Sandi said "No, I'm not. My misery was a result of living my life in sin. Now that I've accepted Jesus my purpose is clear. My mission is to save as many souls as I can in His name."

Quinn and Jim both roll their eyes.

Sandi said "I will save your souls, whatever it takes."

With that, she storms out of the house.

Teddy said "This is going to get worse before it gets better, isn't it?"

* * *

 **Reverend Li's house, the next day...**

Shawna and Sandi are having tea with reverend Li. Shawna said "Tell her what you told me."

Sandi said "I tried to save the souls of my closest friends, the Carbone's. In fact, they're more than friends to me. I see them as family. I told them the truth about Halloween and they just laughed it off. They insisted that it was just harmless fun."

Rev. Li said "So, a whole family of sinners remains unrepentent."

Sandi said "I felt so stupid."

Rev. Li said "You're not stupid, Sandi. Satan wants you to believe that just as he wants people to believe Halloween is just harmless fun. It's all part of his plan to lead souls into the fires of Hell. Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, whether they realize it or not, are pawns of the devil. They must be saved. All of Lawndale must be saved. We must rid this town of the sin which has so consumed it."

Sandi asked "How?"

Rev. Li said "We've already begun. Each new convert to our flock is one less in Satan's stable. Oh, sure, we've had some setbacks. Our campaigns to outlaw homosexuality, pre-marital sex and teaching evolution in the schools have all failed. Nevertheless, we perservere and learn from our mistakes. We WILL bring God's law down to earth. We MUST bring God's law down to earth, that we may save these people from themselves. Is there anything you know of the minions of Hell? Something we can strike?"

At this point, Sandi remembered that Lewis Elementary School was hosting a haunted house in the gym.

"There is one thing."

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, a few nights later...**

Kevin, Mack, Chuck and Jim are setting up props in the gym for the haunted house. In addition to the props that had been kept in Jim's garage there are also fake dead bodies, strobe lights and even a guillotine. Jim places a dummy in the guillotine.

"Let 'er rip, Mack."

Mack pulls a chord and the blade slices the dummy's head off. Red corn syrup, intended to simulate blood, squirts out of the dummy's head.

Mack said "She works."

Meanwhile, Kevin is setting up a fake lab with dummys set up to look like eviscerated bodies. He smokes a cigarette as he does this. He is approached by the principal, Jamie White.

Jamie said "Kevin, this is a school. If you wanna smoke do it outside."

Kevin blows a puff of smoke in Jamie's face. While Jamie coughs, Kevin said "Faggotsayswhat."

Jamie said "What?"

Kevin said "Exactly!"

As he walks away laughing Jamie sighs.

"He got me with that one all the time in high school too."

With that, Jamie walked up to Jim.

"Jim, someone's here to see you."

Reverend Li walks up to Jim.

"I see that you've set up a haunted house, Mr. Carbone. I'm Reverend Angela Li, head of the Lawndale Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ."

Jim said "Weren't you also the crooked principal at my wife's old high school."

Rev. Li said "That was before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior."

Sarcastic, Jim said "Good for you."

Rev. Li walks up to a fake skeleton being set up by Chuck.

"What's this?", she said, "Planning on using bones to predict the future?"

Chuck said "It's a stage prop, Ms. Li."

Li barked "That's Reverend Li to you, you heathen!"

She turned her attention to Jamie.

"Mr. White, I'm sorry but all of this has to go."

Before Jamie can say anything, Jim gets right in Li's face.

"What the hell's your problem, lady. It's just a haunted house."

Smug, Li said "This is all an affront and must go."

Losing his patience, Ji said "The only thing that needs to go is you."

Li said "Mr. White, explain the situation."

Jamie said "Apparently some people consider Halloween a religious holiday. Since church and state are seperate that means anything pertaining to Halloween can't be permitted on school grounds."

Seeing that all his hard work setting up is about to be undone, Jim said "You can't be serious."

Li said "Oh, We are very serious."

With a sound of defeat in his voice, Jamie said "Sorry, Jim, but she has a point...and lawyers."

Jim said "So?"

Jamie said "Jim, we're still paying the settlement for that incident with the sefety scissors last year. We really can't afford another law suit. All of this has to go."

Jim said "So, there's no haunted house this year?"

Jamie said "There's no school haunted house ever again. Jim, I'm sorry but my hands are tied."

Jim picks up the puppet whitch.

"I'll take this," he said. When he saw Li's smug grin, he added, "There's only room for ont witch in here anyway."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later that evening...**

Quinn and Jim are getting ready for bed. Jim is sitting up in bed and looks really distraught, which Quinn notices.

"Jim, honey, what's wrong?"

Jim said "All that hard work. All that preparation and for what? That self-righteous bitch just swoops in and takes it all away. It was all for nothing."

Quinn said "Get used to it, Jim. Li was always like that. My mom often had to threaten a lawsuit before she'd back off. Remember the story about that art piece my sister and Jane made during there sophomore year?"

Jim said "Is that the one with the caption that read 'She knows she's a winner, she couldn't be thinner, now she goes upstairs and vomits up dinner'?"

Nodding, Quinn said "That's the one. Ms. Li took it from my sister, altered it's content and put it on display. Daria and Jane had to vandalize it to ensure no one saw it. Ms. Li actually threatened to press criminal charges but backed off after Mom threatened to sue her for violation of civil liberties."

Jim said "She hasn't changed. If anything, becoming an ordained minister has made Ms. Li worse since she now has a holy crusade to justify her actions. It's so frustrating."

Quinn said "You should've seen Lawndale High when I was there. She ran the place like a prison camp."

Jim said "I just wish my work wasn't rendered a complete waste of time."

At this point, Quinn gets an idea.

"You know, Jim, there's nothing in The Constitution about separation of church and home. We could have a neighborhood haunted house here."

Jim immediately smiles.

"Quinn, that's brilliant. Moments like this remind me why I love you so much."

With that, they kiss.

"Now," Quinn said in a sultry tone, "Let's see if we can't do something about that tension."

She hops out of bed, removes her nightgown and panties, then hops into bed completely naked. Use your own dirty imagination to figure out what happens next.

* * *

 **The next day...**

Jim and Quinn are setting up the haunted house decorations in Casa Carbone. Jim said "Quinn, this is brilliant. Li may be able to stop the school's haunted house, but she can't stop us from opening our own."

Quinn said "This is gonna be a blast."

At this point, the doorbell rings. Quinn said "I'll get it."

She answers the front door. It's Sandi.

Quinn said "Sandi, what's going on?"

Sandi said "I wanted to apologize for getting angry the other night. Can I come in?"

"Of course."

Quinn lets Sandi in. Sandi immediately sees the Halloween props and shudders.

"What are you doing?"

Jim said "Rev. Li shut down the schools haunted house, so we're having it here."

Sandi said "You can't! You'll damn your souls, and those of the whole town."

Quinn sternly warned "Sandi."

Sandi immediately calmed down.

"Sorry. I just worry about you."

Quinn said "Actually, we're a little worried about you."

Jim said "Yeah. I mean, it's good that you're trying to get in touch with your spiritual side but are you sure these religious extremists are the kind of people you want in your life."

Sandi said "You don't understand. These people accept me whole heartedly. They make me feel like I have a family again."

Quinn said "Sandi, we're your family. We accept you as you are. We try to help you be a better person, but we'll never try to change you fundamentally."

Jim said "She's right, Sandi. At this point I see you as the sister I never had."

Sandi admitted "And you were always more of a brother to me than my actual brothers, Jim."

Jim said "Look, we aren't going to force you to choose or anything. Can we at least agree to disagree on this issue? I'm pretty sure tolerance is a virtue."

Sandi said "Well, I hope you'll join the fellowship but, if you don't, it changes nothing else. You two are still more of a family to me than my blood relatives ever were."

Quinn said "Great! I know you'll probably say no, but just the same, would you like to help with the haunted house?"

Sandi said "I still say Halloween is a form of Satan worship, so no. Besides, I'm helping Rev. Li at the Halleujah House."

Jim asked "Halleujah House?"

Sandi said "The Lawndale Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ is hosting a religious themed house on Halloween to combat the influence of haunted houses. I ask you both to reconsider."

Quinn said "Sorry, Sandi, but Jim and I both think that Halloween is just harmless fun."

Looking disappointed, Sandi said "I see."

Sandi immediately left. Jim said to Quinn "You know she's been completely brainwashed."

Quinn said "I know. But she's a grown woman. All we can do is be there for her when this all inevitably blows up in her face."

* * *

 **Outside, a short time later...**

Jim gets the mail from the mailbox. On the front door, he sees grafitti.

"What the hell!?"

The graffitti reads "These People Are Satan Worshippers". Jim is now furious.

"THAT DOES IT! ALRIGHT, LI, IT'S ON!"

* * *

 **Rev. Li's house, evening...**

Li is at the front door calling out for her cat.

"EZEKIEL! EZEKIEL! HERE, KITTY! EZEKIEL!"

She finally loses her patience.

"That damn cat!"

With that, she goes back in the house and closes the door behind her. Hiding behind the fence in the next yard are Jim, Teddy, Tommy and Timmy. Teddy's holding a digital camcorder while Jim has a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.

Timmy asked "Dad, what are we doing?"

Jim said "Tonight I'm going to show you the other half of Trick-or-Treat, tricks."

Teddy asked "So, why am I holding a video camera?"

Jim said "I figured I'd make some money while we're at it. We're going to TP Rev. Li's house. I got the address from the phone book."

Tommy asked "Why her?"

Jim said "Because she first ruined my haunted house then had her followers graffitti our front door. As the bible says, 'Do unto others'."

Teddy said "A better saying in this case would be 'what goes around comes around', but I'll go with it."

Timmy said "But isn't vandalism wrong?"

Jim said "We're just gonna TP the tree in her front yard, nothing more. Also, it's allowed around Halloween."

"Cool!" said Tommy.

Jim said "Roll camera, Teddy."

Teddy begins recording. Jim speaks to the camera.

"Hey, I'm Jim the Car Guy. In the spirit of Halloween I've decided to do something different, a prank video."

As Teddy films Jim, Tommy and Timmy enter Li's front yard armed with rolls of toilet paper. Jim throws one roll over the tree in Li's front yard. Tommy throws the next roll. Timmy throws another but misses.

Jim said "You need to put a little back spin into it. Like this."

Jim throws another roll. Timmy copies his father's movement and gets his draped over a tree limb. They're all having fun until Timmy throws a roll that accidentally hits a bird house in the tree, causing it to fall and break apart as it hits the ground.

 **Rev. Li:** (VO from inside) "What was that!?"

Jim said "Run!"

With that, Jim and the boys make a break for it. Li emerges from the house and sees the TP job on her tree.

"YOU DON'T SCARE ME, YOU SATAN WORSHIPPING HOOLIGANS!"

Li angrily gets into her car. Her cat, Ezekial, is resting behind one of the wheels. Li doesn't even hear the cats final yowl of pain as she runs over it.

Jim and the boys are running down a nearby alley and reach a dead end when Rev. Li spots them in her car. From this distance she can't tell who they are but she knows she has them cornered. As she revs her car Tommy and Teddy immediately climb the fence into a back yard. Jim does the same. Timmy tries but is too out of shape to make it. As he hangs from the top of the fence Li stops her car and sees him.

"I have you now, you child of Hell!"

As she revs her car, Jim pulls his son over the fence to safety.

"We need to stay off the street," he said, "Follow me."

Jim leads his kids through two backyards. After the second yard they come to a small stream that's only six inches deep. The stream flows into tunnels under the streets that are large enough for them to crouch-walk through.

"This stream leads to our block," he said, "We follow it and we should be home free."

They do just that. Wehn they reach the end they climb a fence into their own back yard. Tommy peaks over the gate and sees Rev. Li's car driving slowly along Bealer Street. It's now accompanied by a patrol car.

"Cops!" he warned his father and brothers.

Jim said "Ditch the evidence."

Teddy is about to throw the camcorder when Jim stops him.

"Not the camera. I still wanna put this on YouTube."

Timmy throws the bag with toilet paper. It lands on the Thompson's roof with a loud thud.

* * *

 **The Thompson's living room...**

Kevin is watching TV in his underwear when he hears the loud thud.

"GAAAAHHHH!"

Startled, he ducks for cover.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are being questioned by Rev. Li and a cop. The cop said "She says one of the vandals looked like one of your sons."

Pointing to Timmy, Li said "He's the one I saw."

The cop said "Was it you?"

Hanging his head in shame, Timmy said "Yes, it was me."

Shocked, Quinn said "Timmy!"

Jim said "Hold on, Quinn, this is my fault."

Before Jim can explain further, Li said "Well, of course it's your fault. You and Quinn are bad parents."

Offended, Quinn said "Excuse me! You are WAY out of line!"

Rev. Li said "Your son's anti-social behavior is a direct result of your anti-Christian values."

Quinn hissed "How dare you! I may not be the most religious person in the world, but that hardly makes me a bad person."

Li said "'And the Lord said 'none may come to the Father but through me.' It's in the Bible."

Quinn said "So's 'Judge and be judged'."

Li said "'The complacency of fools shall destroy them'. Proverbs."

Jim angrily said "Get out of my house...Exodus."

With that, Li and the cop left.

* * *

 **Upstairs, a short time later...**

Jim is in the hallway talking to his sons. He said "We sure raised some hell tonight. No doubt about it, you guys are my sons."

With that, each of them went to their room. Tommy and Timmy, however, have guilty looks on their faces.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, the next day...**

Rev. Li is having tea with Sandi. She's also giving Sandi a skewed version of the previous night's events.

"...and Jim murdered my cat. I even heard Quinn chant 'Hail Satan' when she found out."

Sandi gasped in horror.

"Jim...Quinn...pet murderers!"

Rev. Li said "I'm afraid so."

Sandi said "Those poor children. I never believed Quinn and Jim could be such monsters."

Rev. Li said "They are beyond saving. We must save those boys, before they join their parents in eternal damnation."

Sandi asked "How?"

Rev. Li said "I'll go to the town council. This incident is just the thing to get them to ban Halloween. I want you to convert those boys to our flock, by any means necessary."

Sandi said "I will."

Rev. Li said "I know. You'll be a hero, saving those innocent souls before it's too late."

Sandi smiles as she looks up. She can almost hear the angels sing "Hallelujah". Li, meanwhile, has a smug grin on her face.

* * *

 **The next day...**

Jim is driving his blue Camaro ZL1 to an auto parts store. He parks the car and emerges from it at the store. He's accompanied by Tommy and Timmy. Inside, they walk up to the counter. The cashier, whom we would recognize as the backgrounder known as Shaggy, said "How ya doin', Jim?"

Jim said "Hey, Shaggy. It's coming up on time for the next oil change, so I just came in to get some fresh filters."

Jim places a package of oil filters on the counter. Shaggy asked "Which car?"

Jim said "The Camaro. Quinn's Cadillac still has another month to go."

Smiling at the boys, Shaggy said "Heard you boys got into some trouble the other night."

Timmy said "We didn't mean to."

Shaggy said "Don't worry about it. I did my fair share of Halloween hell raising when I was your age."

Jim said "That's right. Besides, it's not like we burned Rev. Li's house to the ground. We just TP'd the tree in her front yard."

Shaggy said "She's going around saying that you sacrificed her cat to Satan."

Tommy asked "Dad, did you?"

Jim said "What!? No! Come on, boys, you were with me the whole time."

Shaggy said "When she was principal of Lawndale High she was a dictator who'd say or do anything to have her way. Looks like she hasn't changed much over the years."

Jim asked "Were you there when she got arrested."

Shaggy said "No, I graduated the year before. Same class as your sister in law. She gave the most honest graduation speech ever."

Jim said to his sons "See, boys, there's nothing to be ashamed of."

Shaggy said "Yeah. I used to leave flaming bags of dog crap on Li's doorstep all the time."

Jim can't help laughing while Tommy and Timmy look apprehensive.

* * *

 **A short time later..**

Jim is driving home from the auto parts store. He passes by Rev. Li's house and sees her sngrily trying to take the TP off of the tree in her front yard. Jim allows himself a laugh but neither Tommy nor Timmy are in a mood to join in.

Timmy, seeing the destroyed birdhouse, said "I'll never throw toilet paper in anger again."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later that afternoon...**

Sandi walks up the driveway and sees all three of Quinn and Jim's boys reading in the garage. Teddy is reading The DaVinci Code while Tommy is reading an issue of X-Men and Timmy is reading an issue of Spider-Man. Sandi notices the sad expressions of Tommy and Timmy's faces.

 _Perfect._ she thought, _I have the prefect opener for a conversation. I may not be able to save Jim and Quinn, but I love those boys as if they were my own. I WILL save them._

Sandi walks up and says "Hey, boys."

Tommy said "Hi, Miss Griffin."

Timmy said "Hey."

Teddy said "Hello, Mrs. Black," he notices his slip, "I mean Ms. Griffin."

Sandi said "Teddy!"

Teddy said "Sorry, habit."

Sandi swallows her emotions. She knows Teddy didn't mean to reminder her of the divorce.

"What are you boys doing?"

Teddy said "Reading. I finally got my brothers into it. I just wish they'd choose something more intelligent."

Tommy said "Comic's are cooler than that dorky book."

Sandi said "Is something wrong? You guys seem kind of down."

Timmy said "We did something bad the other night."

Sandi said "I heard about the incident with reverend Li. It's not your fault."

Teddy said "That's what I keep telling them. Dad was the ring leader."

Timmy said "He always told us vandalism is wrong, but he does it too."

Tommy said "Yeah, we're confused."

Sandi sat next to the boys.

"Guys, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. I love you three as if you were my own children."

Tommy said "We know."

Sandi said "I don't know how to tell you this, but...well...your parents worship Satan."

Teddy said "Funny, I don't remember attending a black mass."

Tommy said "Yeah, Miss Griffin, that's crazy."

Sandi said "I didn't wanna believe it myself at first, but look at the facts. They insist on celebrating a satanic holiday, your father led you on a vandalism expedition and they even sacrificed Rev. Li's cat to Satan."

Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "Li accidentally ran over the cat with her car."

Sandi said "That's what your father told you. Li said that he actually butchered her cat while your mother chanted 'Hail Satan'."

Teddy clearly isn't buying it. Tommy and Timmy, on the other hand...

"You're serious?" asked Tommy.

Timmy said "They really sacrificed a cat to the devil."

Sandi said "Li would never lie to me, and I'd never lie to you. Your parents are Satanists. Tell me, have you ever seen anything unusual?"

Tommy said "They tried to make us eat liver once."

Sandi said "Anything else."

Tommy and Timmy look thoughtful.

* * *

 **Flashback 1**

Jim grumbled in a demonic voice "Whers are the gosts, ghouls, goblins and psycho killers?"

 **Flashback 2**

Quinn, grinning wickedly and sounding demonic, said "Yeah. Halloween's just harmless fun."

 **Flashback 3**

Sounding demon possessed, Quinn said "The Church spews a bunch of ignorant crap. If you really want to get in touch with your spiritual side I have a book about devils that can get you started."

 **Flashback 4**

Looking like pure evil, Jim said "We sure raised some hell tonight. No doubt about it, you guys are my sons."

 **Flashback 5**

Jim, who has yellow cat eyes and a psychotic grin, is trying to get the boys to try liver.

"It's just liver, it won't kill you."

 **Fantasy image**

Jim and Quinn now have red skin, yellow cat eyes and devil horns as they laugh menaically.

 **End fantasy/falshback sequence**

* * *

Both Tommy and Timmy are now utterly terrified and too young to understand that these 'flashbacks' are just an over active imagination. At the same time, they both exclaimed...

"AHHH! THEY DO WORSHIP SATAN!"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

"Don't tell me you two are actually buying this?"

* * *

 **Lawndale Town Hall, the next day...**

The town council is holding an open meeting. The council is chaired by Andrew Landon and consists of nine members, six Republicans and three Democrats. The Republicans are Andrew Landon, Angier Sloane, Linda D'Mico (formerly Linda Griffin), Charles Ruttheimer the second, Herbert Mason (Happy Herb) and Rita Barksdale. The three Democrats are Helen Morgendorffer, Timothy O'Niel and Andrea Hecuba.

Andrew said "What's the next order of business?"

Kevin approaches. He said "The other night, vandals threw a bag of toilet paper onto my roof. I think this is, like, a hate crime. Someone hates me."

Rolling his eyes, Andrew said "Let the record show that someone hates Kevin Thompson."

At this point, Rev. Li approaches the council.

"I too was the victim of vandals. Delinquents toilet papered a tree in my front yard. Such wanton acts of disregard for the property of others can be attributed to one cause, Halloween. The holiday encourages mischef and delinquency. I therefore ask the the council impose a 5:00 PM curfew on October 31st in order to curb the disorder."

Trying not to laugh, Linda said "And why would we do that just because two homes were TP'd?"

Li said "That's not all they did. They also murdered my beloved cat, Ezekiel."

Li opens a small cooler and dumps out the cat's remains on the table. Everyone gasps in horror.

"That poor kitty!" O'Neil exclaimed.

Rev. Li said "Vandals are murdering our pets. We must enact the curfew to prevent a recurrence of such a tragedy."

Emotion overcomes logic and reason.

"All in favor?" said Andrew.

Everyone but Helen raises their hand.

"All opposed?"

Only Helen raises her hand.

Andrew said "Five PM curfew for whole town on Halloween night passes."

He pounds his gavel on the table.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the morning of October 31st...**

Jim has just finished raising a banner over the front door that reads "Neighborhood Haunted House". Quinn looks on in admiration.

"Jim, this is going to be perfect."

Jim said "Yep, Li can't stop me now."

At this point, Sandi's car pulls into the the driveway. Once parked Sandi emerges with a huge spring in her step.

"YES!" she chanted, "Halloween is canceled!"

Quinn and Jim's jaws both drop.

Sandi said "That's right. The town council imposed a 5 PM curfew for the whole town."

Jim rolled his eyes.

"You've gotta be shitting me!"

Quinn said "What on earth possesed them to pass something that asinine!?"

Sandi said "Rev. Li showed them what you two did to her cat and they decided it was a matter of public safety."

Jim said "We didn't do anything to her cat."

Quinn said "I didn't even know she had a cat."

Sandi said "Rev. Li told me that you sacrificed her cat to Satan."

Jim said "That's a load of horse shit. She accidentally ran over her cat with the car."

Sandi said "She told me that you killed her cat, Jim, while Quinn chanted 'Hail Satan'."

Shocked and hurt, Quinn said "And you actually believed her!?"

Smug, Sandi said "Why would she lie?"

Jim said "Gee, could it have been an attempt to manipulate you into siding with her?"

Sandi said "The point is that you've lost. God is on our side."

Quinn pleaded "These people have taken advantage of your lonliness and used it to brainwash you. Can't you see that?"

Sandi said "You'll not decieve me, you devil worshippers. Now, you won't be able to corrupt anyone else."

Jim said "What about the haunted house?"

Sandi gloated "The sole exception to the curfew is Rev. Li's Hallelujah House. We shall replace your evil with something that sets the next generation on the path to righteousness. There'll be no trick-or-treaters and anyone who comes to your haunted house will be breaking the law. So there!"

With that, Sandi got into her car and left. Once she's gone Quinn and Jim exchange worried looks.

Jim said "I can't believe this."

Quinn said "I can. This isn't just anyone we're dealing with. This is Angela Li."

Jim said "I'm still going through with this haunted house. We may not be able to take the boys trick-or-treating, but we will do something for Halloween, no matter what."

Neither Jim nor Quinn realize that their boys have overheard the whole conversation.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, a short time later...**

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are walking up to the front door. Tommy asked "Why are you here, Teddy?"

Timmy said "Yeah, I thought you didn't believe Mom and Dad are Satanists."

Teddy said "I don't. I just find your gullibility amusing."

Tommy asked "What's gull-a-biltae?"

Teddy rolled his eyes.

"Never mind."

With that, Tommy rings the door bell. Sandi answers.

Inside, a few moments later...

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are talking to Sandi.

"We're scared," said Tommy, "Mom and Dad are still determined to celebrate Halloween."

Timmy added "We don't know what to do. The last time they wanted any of us to be somewhere this bad I woke up without tonsils."

Sandi said "I hate to say it, but this time they might be after your souls."

Teddy said "I can't believe this. Miss Griffin, you're the last person I would've expected to buy into this."

Sandi said "Teddy, you don't understand. Your parents are trying to corrupt your soul."

Teddy just rolls his eyes. Tommy asked "We need you to help us, Miss Griffin."

Sandi said "Don't worry, boys, I won't let anything happen to you."

Sandi hugs Tommy and Timmy. Teddy rolls his eyes once again.

Sandi said "How would you guys like to go to Rev. Li's Hallelujah House tonight?"

Timmy asked "What's that?"

Sandi said "A Christian alternative to the Satanic haunted houses that the evil sinners use to corrupt young souls on Halloween."

Tommy said "I'm in."

Timmy said "Me too."

Sandi asked "What about you, Teddy?"

Teddy snarked "Religious propoganda is not something I consider fun."

Tommy said "Come on, Teddy."

Timmy said "Please."

Teddy asked "What's in it for me?"

Sandi said "Salvation."

Teddy said "No thanks."

Sandi thought _He really is his mother's son._ but said "One hundred bucks."

Teddy flashes a Daria half smile.

"Now you're talking."

* * *

 **The Lawndale Fellowship of The Kingdom Of Christ, evening...**

Sandi's car pulls into the parking lot. Inside, Sandi is driving while Tommy in in the front seat and Timmy and Teddy are in the back.

Tommy said "Thanks for getting us out of there, Miss Griffin."

Timmy said "Yeah, I heard Satanists like to sacrifice virgins."

A little embarrassed, Sandi asked "Do you even know what a virgin is?"

Tommy and Timmy both shake their heads. This causes Teddy to roll his eyes.

Teddy said "A virgin is someone who's never had sexual intercourse."

"TEDDY!" Sandi exclaimed in shock.

Tommy said "I guess that means we'd all better be careful."

Blushing, Sandi said "Um...yeah."

With that, they all exit the car. Sandi said "I'm going to find others to save. Wish me luck."

Tommy said "Good look, Miss Griffin."

Timmy said "Yeah."

Teddy thought _I should've held out for two-hundred._

After Sandi left the three T's joined the other kids at the entrance to the Hallelujah House. Out comes Rev. Li. She's wearing a white gown with fake dove wings attached on the back and a fake halo over her head.

"Welcome, children," she said, "to the Hallelujah House. No pushing. As the bible says, 'he who is last shall be first'."

With that, she leads the kids inside.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim are sitting on lounge chairs in the front yard waiting to greet visitors to their haunted house and/or trick-or-treaters. They are visibly disappointed that neither seem to be showing up. In fact, the streets are being deserted.

"I don't believe this," said Jim, "Doesn't anyone have the courage to stand up to Li?"

Quinn said "It's not Li they're affraid of. No one wants to be the first to take a stand and risk alienation."

Sighing, Jim said "I might as well bring the boys out here. We can at least tell scary stories."

As Jim enters the house Sandi's car pulls into the driveway. Sandi shuts off the car and walks up to Quinn.

"Hey, Quinn."

Quinn said "Hi, Sandi. Is something wrong?"

Frowning, Sandi said "I'm starting to have doubts about this whole Christian Fellowship thing. I just wanted my hurt to end."

Quinn said "Sandi, you've made some bad choices in life but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person. A lot of your suffering was caused by things beyond your control."

Sandi said "The fact that I gave in to sinful urges is what caused me to be disowned by my family."

Quinn said "There's nothing wrong with you just because you're into guys and girls."

Sandi said "My mother didn't think so."

"With all due respect, Sandi, your mother's a class A bitch."

Sandi stifled a giggle. She had to admit that Quinn had a point.

Sandi asked "What about the five years I worked as a stripper?"

Quinn said "You only did that because you needed the money. You used that money to put yourself the rest of the way through college. I seem to recall you being all to happy to quit stripping when a regular job became available."

Sandi said "My failed marriage?"

Quinn said "I don't know all the details. Maybe you did say and do things to drive Joey away, but that doesn't justify what he did to you. You could've worked things out, but instead he chose to cheat on you and divorce you when you found out about it. It's not your fault. Joey chose to screw a barely legal slut on the side and didn't have the decency to at least divorce you before doing something like that. If anything, the end of your marriage just proves what a selfish jerk Joey was."

Sandi looks thoughtful.

"Where's Jim?"

Quinn said "Inside, getting the boys."

Sandi's jaw drops. She immediately runs into the house, leaving a puzzled Quinn outside.

* * *

 **Inside...**

Jim is in the upstairs hallway looking for the boys. The house is set up to look like a horror movie set.

"Boys," he said, "Are you planning to jump out and scare me?"

At this point, he and Sandi bump into each other. Initially, they are both startled.

"AHHHHH!"

They both calm down when they see who it is.

"Sandi, what are you doing here?"

Sandi said "I've done some thinking. This whole anti-Halloween thing has gotten totally out of hand."

Smiling, Jim said "Glad to see you've regained your senses. You haven't seen the boys around by any chance, have you?"

Shamefaced, Sandi said "I took them to Li's Hallelujah House behind your back."

Jim immediately loses his cool.

"WHAT!?"

Frightened, Sandi said "Jim, please listen. I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to save their souls. After I dropped them off I did some thinking. This has all gotten out of hand. Li's just using me. I should've known better than to believe her lies. I've known you for more than a decade and I've known Quinn almost twice as long. I know you aren't pet murderers or Satan worshippers. I thought I was helping your kids by trying to convert them to The Fellowship, but I now realize I was wrong." Her voice becomes very meek. "Please, don't be mad at me."

Jim gets right in Sandi's face.

"YOU TRIED TO BRAINWASH MY KIDS, HOW COULD I BE ANYTHING BUT FURIOUS!?"

Sandi begged "Jim, please.."

"SHUT UP! HOW F$%&ING DARE YOU!"

Jim takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

"Sandi," he said in a menacing tone, "you've tried to indoctrinate mine and Quinn's kids with ignorant beliefs. You've gone behind our backs and misled them, maybe even turned them against us."

"Jim..."

"SHUT UP! From now on, you leave the parenting to me and Quinn, or this is as far as we go."

"Jim..."

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

* * *

 **Outside, a few seconds later...**

Sandi emerges from the house crying. Quinn said "SANDI!?"

Sandi runs across the street into her own house without a word. Jim emerges from the house.

Quinn asked "What happened!?"

Jim said "I...Well, I spoke a little too harshly to her."

Concerned, Quinn asked "Why?"

Jim said "She's been secretly trying to convert our boys to Li's congregation. They're at the Hallelujah House."

Quinn's eyes go wide and her jaw drops.

"WHAT!?"

Jim said "You heard me. Li is now trying to brainwash our boys like she brainwashed Sandi."

Quinn's shock suddenly gives way to righteous fury.

"THAT'S IT! First, Li brainwashes our friend. Then, she ruins Halloween and now she's doing the same thing to our boys!"

Quinn angrily walks into the house with a look of fierce determination on her face.

"Come on, Jim. It's time we made a stand."

Jim follows his wife inside.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Li's Hallelujah House...**

Rev. Li is leading the kids into a room. In the room is a large cardboard cutout with a mural of a young couple kissing on a park bench.

"Uh-oh," said Li, "It looks like a young, un-married couple about to give in to their sinful urges."

With that, Li turns the cradboard cutout around. On this side is a mural of body lockers in a morge. Two of the lockers are open with feet sticking out. On one pair of feet is a tag that says "His" while on the other pair is a tag that says "Hers".

Rev. Li said "Well, I guess the saying is true...sex kills!"

Rev. Li then leads the kids into another room. This room is set up to look like a typical dinning room. A man is seated at one end of the table while a woman is seated at the other end. A baby doll is in a high chair between them.

The man said "We've just said grace and now it's time to eat."

The woman asked "Where's Grandpa?"

Just then, a door swings open and a man in a gorilla costume emerges. He acts as if he's a wild, savage animal.

Playing along, Li said "That's your grandfather!?"

The man said "Haven't you heard? We're descended from monkeys."

The man in the gorilla suit starts pretending to eat the baby doll.

"Stop him," said the woman, "He's eating our baby."

The man said "We can't. They won't let us teach creationism in school."

The woman said "Satan has corrupted society with multiculturalism and used science to suppress the truth."

The other kids gasp in shock while Teddy rolls his eyes in disbelief.

 _This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen._

* * *

 **Casa Carbone...**

Quinn and Jim emerge from the front door. Quinn is wearing a bright red catsuit with a pair of red bat wings on the back. She also is wearing a red tiara with devil horns sticking out. Jim is dressed like John Marston from the video game Red Dead Redemption. His costume even includes a toy revolver and a fake Winchester rifle.

"Ready?" said Quinn.

"Ready." said Jim.

Holding hands, they walk out into the middle of the street. They start chanting.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!"

They begin to walk when they are approached by Kevin and Brittany. Brittany is in her old cheerleading uniform. Kevin is in his old football uniform, but the shirt no longer fits over his massive beer gut.

"Check it out," said Kevin, "I'm, like, the QB again."

They join Quinn and Jim in their protest march.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!"

At this point, they are approached by Mack. Mack is dressed up like Frankenstein's Monster.

"ROAR! Who'd like some candy?"

Mack reaches into his pockets and pulls out Jolly Ranchers and Tootsie Rolls. He now joins the march.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!"

They are now approached by Chuck and Stacy. Chuck is dressed as Count Dracula while Stacy is in a sexy witch costume.

Chuck, in a fake Eastern European accent, said "Good evening. I am Dracula."

Stacy said "And I'm a witch. Watch out, I might put a spell on you that causes you to fall hopelessly in love with me."

Chuck and Stacy join the march.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!"

Suddenly...

"WAIT!"

They all stop and turn around. They see Sandi run up to them in a sexy maid costume. Tears of joy stream down her face as she says "Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your underwear."

Quinn smiles and puts a hand on Sandi's shoulder.

"Welcome back, Sandi."

Sandi now joins the march.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!"

* * *

 **Musical Montage...**

The crowd continues to grow as they march in time with a song we should all be familiar with.

 _It's close to midnight, and smoething evil's lurking in the dark._

We see people changing into Halloween costumes and joining the march.

 _Under the moonlight, you're seeing sights that almost stop your heart._

Defiant trick-or-treaters join the march in huge numbers.

 _You start to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it._

Reluctant parents join the march.

 _You start to freeze_

 _As though it looks you right between the eyes_

 _You're paralyzed_

 _'Cause this is THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _and no ones gonna save you from the beast about to strike_

 _YES, THIS IS THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _You're fighting for your life inside a thriller, thriller night_

 _Yeah._

Cut to a shot of more kids being led through Li's Hallelujah House.

 _You hear the door slam, and realize there's nowher left to run._

Li is preaching to the kids.

 _You feel the cold shiver, and wonder if you'll ever see the sun._

Teddy rolls his eyes in disbelief.

 _You close your eyes, and hope that this is just imagination._

Cut back to the ever growing protest march.

 _All through the while_

 _You feel a creature creeping up behind_

 _You're outta time._

 _'Cause this is THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _So let shield you now from the thing right before your eyes girl_

 _THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _You're fighting for your life inside a_

 _Thriller..._

 _THRILLER..._

 _THRILLER NIGHT..._

 _Night creatures crawling, the dead start to wlak in their masquarade_

 _There's no escaping the jaws of the alien this time_

 _(No, not this time)_

 _Leave it all behind._

At this point, the crowd find their path blocked by five people with their backs turned. They look like Trent, Jane, Daria, Jake and Helen. Daria is wearing the exact same outfit that Michael Jackson wore in the video for "Thriller".

Quinn asked "Mom, Dad, Daria, Jane, Trent, what are you doing here?"

The three Morgendorffers and two Lanes turn around. They look like zombies. The crowd all gasp in terror. Then, the music resumes.

Daria leads a dance. They start by moving slowly and twitching their shoulders. Next, they spread their arms and legs and slide forwar. This is followed by them sliding from side to side and ending each slide in a mock jumping pack. They then crouch stomp into the crowd. The crowd now join in as the movements are repeated. Finally, Daria sings, but the voice coming out of her mouth sounds like Michael Jackson as they all continue to dance.

 _'Cause this is THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike_

 _Yes, this is THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _You're fighting for your life inside a thirller, thriller..._

 _THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _So let me hold you tight inside a_

 _Thriller..._

 _THRILLER..._

 _THRILLER..._

 _THRILLER NIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHTTTTTT!_

 _'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT_

 _You're fighting for your life inside a_

 _Thriller..._

 _THRILLER..._

 _THRILLER NIGHT..._

They resume marching as we now hear Vincent Price's voice.

 _Darkness falls across the land_

 _The midnight hour is close at hand_

 _Creatures crawl in search of blood_

 _To terrorize your neighborhood_

 _And whomsoever shall be found_

 _Without their souls all getting down_

 _Stand and face the hounds of hell_

 _And rot inside a corpse shell_

 _(Gonna be tonight, thriller_

 _gonna be tonight, ohe darling, oh baby._

 _Thriller night)_

 _The foulest stench is in the air_

 _The funk of forty thousand years_

 _And grizzly ghouls from every tomb_

 _Are closing in to seal your doom_

 _And though you fight to stay alive_

 _Your body starts to shiver_

 _For no mere mortal can resist_

 _The evil of The Thriller_

 _AH-HA-HA-HA-HA! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!_

 **End Montage.**

* * *

 **At the Church Of The Lawndale Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ...**

The kids are all now seated at tables in a large meeting room while the adults try to use persuasion and brownies to get them to join.

"Look," said a man trying to convert a little girl, "You took the brownie, I didn't make you."

A woman is seated at a table with Teddy, who refuses to eat his brownie. She said "Don't you want the brownie?"

Teddy said "Not badly enough to join a cult for it.

Timmy, meanwhile, has already eaten his brownie. The youth minister seated across from him said "So, are you ready to join us and accept Jesus?"

Timmy asked "Do I get another brownie."

Rev. Li, meanwhile, is trying to persuade Tommy.

"Come on, Tommy, just sign up for the Fellowship and you'll gain access to heaven."

Tommy asked "If I don't?"

Li said "You'll go to Hell when you die."

Tommy is visibly frightened by this.

The guy trying to convert Teddy, meanwhile, is growing more frustrated.

"Don't you want to go to Heaven?"

Teddy said "I want to go anyplace that isn't here."

The man grows more frustrated. Meanwhile, Tommy signs up for the Fellowship. Rev. Li holds up the card.

"Good news." she said, "Tommy Carbone has joined our flock."

All the adults chant "HALLELUJAH!"

Feeling the pressure, Timmy signs. The guy trying to convert Teddy sees an opening.

"Don't you want to join your brothers in Heaven."

Teddy said "My idea of Heaven doesn't include those two idiots."

At this point there's a knock on the door. Rev. Li answers. It's Quinn and Jim, with the whole mob right behind them.

Jim said "We're here for our sons."

Quinn barked "Where are they?"

Upon hearing his mother's voice, Teddy said "Finally, the lesser of two evils."

He joins his parents without any hesitation.

Angry, Li said "Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, you know full well there's a curfew in effect, or do you have no respect for man's law as well."

Jim said "Tommy, Timmy, don't you want to go trick-or-treating?"

The kids have now gathered at the door, attracted to the commotion.

With a smug grin, Li said "They refuse to participate in your Satanism because they are good boys."

Quinn said "If that's how it is then." She clutches her chest. "I just wanted to bond with my children, but they've chosen another way. It just breaks my heart."

With that, she pulls a fake heart out of her suit. She then squeezes it, causing red corn syrup (which looks like blood) to squirt out. While Li and her followers are not amused, the kids think it's cool.

Li barked "What are you doing?"

Jim said "She's right, Quinn. I'd better..." he puts his hand over his right eye. Keeping it shut, he removes his hand and reveals a glass eye in it, "...keep and EYE on you."

Now the kids all laugh and quickly file out to join the group led by Jim and Quinn. The only ones who don't are Tommy and Timmy.

Quinn said "Come on, you guys. Let's head out and have some fun."

Tommy looks first at Rev. Li, then at all the other kids. Finally...

"This bites. I wanna go trick-or-treating."

Tommy joins his parents. The lone holdout is Timmy.

Jim said "Timmy, don't you want to go trick-or-treating with us?"

Li said "Timmy, if you join them you'll be damned for eternity."

Quinn said "You'll get free candy."

Li said "You'll go to Hell."

"Candy.'

"Hell."

"Candy!"

"Hell!"

"CANDY!"

"HELL!"

Finally, Timmy can't take anymore.

"ENOUGH!"

He faces his parents.

"I don't care about candy."

Li flashes a smug grin.

Timmy said "I just care about being with my friends and family."

With that, Timmy joins his parents. Li appears in total shock. With their kids back, the mob turns and walks away. One of the congregation walks up to Li.

"You know," he said, "Halloween really is just harmless fun."

He joins the ones walking away, as does the rest of the congregation and Li's assistant pastors. Li is furious.

"FINE!" she shouted, "YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN, JUST FINE! MORE ROOM FOR ME, I SAY!"

As the crowd walks away from Li's church, Quinn said "Come on, boys, let's get you into your costumes."

Timmy said "Mom, Dad, I lied earlier. I do care about candy...a lot."

At the rear of the crowd is Sandi. She turns, faces us and breaks the fourth wall.

"HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!"

 **The End.**

* * *

Lyrics to "Thriller" by Michael Jackson, copyright 1983 Sony Music/Epic Records.

 **Next Time**

Jake learns the true nature of Brittany's relationship with Daryl.


	8. An Annoying Truth

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **Ep. 8**

 **"An Annoying Truth"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

A black Lincoln Continental pulls into the driveway. Jake Morgendorffer emerges. At sixty-eight he now looks like he did in the future secene at the end of "Write Where It Hurts", except that he still has some brown locks among the gray hair. As he approaches the house he has a thought.

 _Those zoomba classes are starting to get borning. Maybe Quinn and Jim have some suggestions._

At this point, he notices Daryl's Corvette in the Thompson's driveway.

 _Of course! Daryl's a fitness trainer. I can ask him._

Jake walks over to the Thompson house and rings the front door.

 **Brittany:** (VO from inside, sounding panicked) "JUST A MINUTE!"

The sound of frantic movement can be heard in the house. Jake thinks nothing of it. Finally, the door opens. Brittany is wrapped in a towel and looks dishelved.

"Hi, Brittany."

Looking relieved, Brittany said "Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer."

Daryl emerges from a closet. His clothes look like they were thrown on in a hurry.

Jake said "Hey, Daryl."

Also relieved, Daryl said "Oh, Mr. Morgendorffer! Thank God!"

Curious, Jake asked "What do you mean 'thank God'?"

Daryl said "We thought you were..."

"A cat burgler!" Brittany interrupted.

Jake looks puzzled, as does Daryl.

Brittany said "Yeah. Daryl came to pick me up and take me to the gym, but I was in the shower. I wasn't expecting anyone so I told Daryl to hide while I answer the door."

Jake said "If you were concerned about safety, why not have Daryl answer the door?"

The real reason was that Brittany and Daryl were having sex and thought Jake was her husband, Kevin. Thinking fast, Daryl said "Well, the truth is.."

Brittany immediately elbows Daryl. He amends his statement.

"...we were in too much of a panic to think straight."

Jake believes them.

"Sorry for the scare. I saw Daryl's car and wanted to ask about signing me and Helen up for one of his fitness classes."

Daryl wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to Jake.

"This is my address. We can discuss the matter there. If you don't mind, Brittany and I are a little busy at the moment."

Jake said "Of course. Bye."

With that, Jake left. Daryl asked "Why'd we lie to him? I thought the only ones who didn't know were your husband and our son."

Brittany admitted "I don't think Mr. Morgendorffer knows about us, babe. He has a very trusting nature."

* * *

 **Dega Street, the next day...**

Jake walks up to a brick apartment building. He enters the building and goes to the second floor. He walks up to one of the apartments. Once in front of the door he looks at the address Daryl gave him.

 _This is the place._

He knocks on the door. Daryl answers.

Jake said "Hi, Daryl."

Daryl said "Hello, Mr. Morgendorffer. Please, come in."

Jake enters the apartment. They both sit on the couch.

"So," said Daryl, "I take it you're here to secure my services as a personal trainer."

As he talks, he discreetly places an incriminating photo of him and Brittany face down.

Jake said "It's like this, Helen and I are getting bored with our zoomba classes and wanna try something new. I figured you could put us on a couples program."

Visibly feeling awkward, Daryl said "I don't really work with couples. Most of the training programs I use are...well...one on one."

Deflated, Jake said "I see. How about you train me on even days and my wife on odd days."

Daryl is astonished that Jake is so clueless as to not know that Daryl uses his job as a way to indulge his favorate hobby: seducing married women.

"I'm sorry," he said, "But since you and Helen are senior citizens I can only take you on as clients after seeing a thorough evaluation from your primary care physician. It's for insurance reasons. Gym policy."

Jake asked "Then why did you invite me here?"

The reason was to determine just how out of the loop Jake is. Thinking fast, Daryl said "I felt it was better to tell you in person. I don't like to discuss these matters in front of established clients."

Believing him, Jake said "Oh, Alright then."

Feeling a little bad, Daryl got something out of the drawer.

"These are free workout coupons from the gym where I work. Maybe you could give them to someone you know."

Smiling, and unaware of Daryl's true nature, Jake said "Quinn'll love these. She and her friends are real health nuts."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Jim and Quinn are in the office. Jim notices that Quinn looks a little apprehensive.

"Something wrong, Quinn?"

Quinn said "My father stopped by and gave me this."

She holds up one of the coupons Daryl gave Jake and hands it to Jim.

"He said to ask for Daryl Johnson."

Jim's eyes go wide and his jaw drops.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Quinn said "Relax, Jim. I don't think my father knows about Daryl and Brittany."

Jim said "But still..."

Quinn said "Relax, Jim. I'm not going."

Jim breathes a huge sigh of relief.

"What's the problem, then?"

Quinn said "I think Daryl's eyeing me as his next sexual conquest. Why else would he give my father free workout coupons?"

Jim looks both thoughtful and angry.

* * *

 **Daryl's apartment building, the next day...**

Jim is angrily pounding on Daryl's door.

"DARYL, OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!"

Daryl answers the door.

"Jim," he said, "I think I know what this is about. It's not what you think."

Holding up the coupon, Jim growled "Explain this!"

Daryl said "I gave them to your father in law to get him off my back."

Jim said "DON'T BULLSHIT ME, PAL! YOU TRYING TO SCREW MY WIFE!?"

Daryl said "No, I just wanted to make sure Jake doesn't find out about me and Brittany. He asked me to train him and Helen. I had to refuse in a way that wouldn't arouse suspicion."

Jim said "Well, that certainly backfired because now you're dealing with a man who thinks you want to seduce his wife."

Daryl pleaded "Jim, that's not the case at all. I respect you too much to do that. As hot as Quinn is I would never train her the way I train other men's wives."

Jim said "She already decided not to use the coupon. She also thinks you're trying to get in her pants."

Daryl said "I just didn't want to train Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer. That's it, I swear on everything I hold sacred."

Jim sighs.

"I guess I need to explain a few things to my father in law."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later that afternoon...**

Jake and Helen are in the home office with Quinn. Quinn faces her parents.

"Dad," she said, "I didn't use the coupon you gave me. In fact, I shredded it."

Looking a little hurt, Jake asked "Why?"

Quinn looks at Helen, who looks like she did in the future scene in "Write Where It Hurts" except that her hair isn't gray because she dies it.

Helen said "I didn't tell him. I think it's best if we tell him together."

Puzzled, Jake asked "What's going on?"

Quinn said "Dad, have you ever noticed anything strange about the way Brittany and Daryl interact?"

Jake said "No."

Helen said "So, you never got suspicious about them spending so much time together."

Jake said "Daryl's her personal trainer."

Quinn said "So you haven't noticed how affectionate Daryl and Brittany are?"

Jake looks confused.

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "There's something you need to know about Kevin and Brittany's marriage."

Jake asked "What's that got to do with Daryl?"

Helen rolls her eyes. Jake really doesn't get it. At this point Quinn looks out the window. She spots Daryl working on the Thompson's fence. Brittany and Kevin Jr. are there. This gives Quinn an idea.

"Dad," she said, "Come over here."

Jake walks up to the window.

Quinn said "I want you to look at Brittany, Daryl and Kevin Jr. Don't you think it's strange that Kevin Jr.'s black while both of his parents are white."

Jake said "Yeah, so?"

Quinn said "Notice that Daryl's also black."

Jake looks intently. He first looks at Brittany and notices how she's looking at Daryl.

 _I know that look. It's the same one Helen gives me when she wants to have sex._

Next, Jake looks at Kevin Jr.

 _Kevin Jr. is black, but Kevin and Brittany are white._

Finally, he looks at Daryl.

 _Daryl's also black. In fact, he looks like and adult version of Kevin Jr._

He continues to look.

 _Brittany's staring lustfully at Daryl. Daryl's black. Kevin Jr.'s black._

He looks again.

 _Brittany's staring lustfully at Daryl. Daryl's black. Kevin Jr.'s black._

He looks a third time.

 _Brittany's staring lustfully at Daryl. Daryl's black. Kevin Jr.'s black._

Now, he looks at just Daryl and Kevin Jr.

 _Daryl's black. Kevin Jr.'s black._

Finally, Jake pieces it all together.

 _OH...MY...GOD!_

"GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone...**

Jake and Helen are in the home office visiting Quinn. Jake has just learned that Brittany has been cheating on Kevin with her personal trainer, Daryl. His reaction is pure shock.

"OH, MY GOD! BRITTANY'S CHEATING ON KEVIN! KEVIN JUNIOR'S THE PRODUCT OF AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR!"

Rolling her eyes, Helen said "Yes, Jake. It's been going on for almost nine years."

Jake shouted "AND NOBODY SAID ANYTHING!?"

Quinn said "Dad, I know this is a shock. I was just as shocked when I found out. It didn't help that I found out by walking in on Daryl and Brittany while they were doing it."

Jake asked "Did you say anything when that happened?"

Quinn admitted "I told Brittany that I thought what she and Daryl were doing was wrong. Beyond that, there's not much I can do."

Jake looks like he's having trouble wrapping his head around this. Quinn tries to soothe her father.

"Look, Dad, I'll admit it's awkward at first but after a year or two you get used to it."

Jake asked "Does Kevin know?"

Helen said "Don't be ridiculous, Jake. Of course he doesn't know."

Quinn added "Yeah, Dad. You know Kevin, he's even slower to pick up on things than you are."

Hurt, Jake said "HEY!"

Quinn said "Sorry, Dad. The truth is that Kevin doesn't know and he thinks Kevin Jr. is his biological son."

Jake asked "What about Kevin Jr."

Helen said "Kevin Jr. doesn't know that Kevin's not really his father."

Jake asked "Does Jim know about this?"

Quinn answered "Yes. He found out around the same time I did. All of our friends know."

Jake asked "What about your boys?"

Quinn said "Tommy and Timmy don't know, but I think Teddy does."

Jake asked "How?"

Helen said "Jake, Teddy's just as insightful as Daria was at that age."

Quinn said "Yeah, he figured it out on his own."

Jake said "This is a lot to handle. I need to take a walk."

With that, Jake left. Helen and Quinn exchange worried looks.

Quinn asked "You don't think he'll do something drastic, do you?"

Helen said "Given your father's current state I doubt anyone he tells will believe him."

* * *

 **Outside, a short time later...**

Jake is walking up Lobinskie Lane trying to wrap his head around things.

 _This is so...weird. Brittany having an affair, Kevin raising a bastard and thinking it's his, everyone knowing about it and treating it like no big deal. Has the whole world gone insane?_

At this point he's passing by the Wang house. Ming is trimming a rose bush in the front yard. She sees Jake and waves.

"Mr. Morgendorffer, how are you?"

Jake acknowledges her.

"Hi, Mrs...What's your name, again?"

Ming said "Mrs. Wang, but you can call me Ming. You father of my new best friend, after all."

She walks up to Jake and notices how distraught he is.

"Something wrong? You no look good. My idiot husband insult your son in law again?"

Jake said "No. I just learned something really...disturbing?"

Sensing an entertaining story if nothing else, Ming asked "What kind thing?"

Jake looks hesitant, which Ming notices.

"I can handle it," she said, "I flee communist repression in China. Nothing shock me."

Jake said "Did you know that Brittany Thonpson's having an affair?"

Ming gasped.

"Oh, no! She cheating on Daryl!?"

Jake said "No, she's..."

Then, he realizes that she said Daryl, not Kevin.

"You knew!?"

Ming said "Daryl obviously Kevin Jr's real father. Not hard to figure out."

Ming almost laughs as something occurs to her.

"You not know! This too good!"

Ming immediately pulls out her smart phone and dials a number.

"Chan, guess what!? Jake Morgendorffer not know about Brittany and Daryl!"

Chan laughed so hard that Jake could hear it coming from the phone.

Ming said "I know! Apparently he almost as stupid as Kevin."

Jake feels even worse than he did before.

* * *

 **The next day...**

Jake pulls his Lincoln into the driveway of Casa Carbone.

 _I just can't wrap my head around this. I need to talk to Quinn._

At this point, he notices that the garage door is down and there are no cars in the driveway.

 _Dammit, nobody's home!_

He's about to pull out when he sees Daryl's car come to a stop in front of the Thompson house. Brittany emerges from the passenger side. She gives Daryl a goodbye kiss before he drives off. Seeing this fills Jake with righteous fury. He shuts off his car and walks right over to Brittany.

"Brittany, I need to have a talk with you!"

Brittany said "Oh, hi, Mr. Morgendorffer."

Jake gets right in Brittany's face.

"Don't 'oh, hi' me. What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

Brittany said "Daryl gave me a ride home from the gym."

Jake angrily said "Oh, So that's what it's called these days!"

This outburst has Brittany feeling more confused than anything else.

"Um...What?"

Jake barked "Don't play dumb with me. Have you even stopped to think about what you're doing!?"

Still puzzled, Brittany said "I was a cheerleader in high school. I have plenty of experience with exercise."

Jake snarled "OH, I BET YOU DO!"

Brittany said "Mr. Morgendorffer, you're acting kind of weird."

Jake said "Says the woman who steps out on her husband with her personal trainer."

Now, Brittany gets it.

"Oh...You heard."

Jake said "It turns out I'm the only one in town who hasn't. Brittany, what the hell!?"

Brittany defensively said "Like you've never thought about cheating on your wife!"

Jake said "Oh, I've thought about it but I've never actually done it! How long has this been going on!?"

Brittany said "After the fourth kid I was having trouble getting back into shape so I signed up for Daryl's fitness classes. After all the years of disappointment from Kevie it was nice to have attention from a dreamy stud like Daryl. One thing led to another and next thing I know I'm having nine years of the best sex ever."

Jake said "You make me.."

"EEP!"

Brittany's 'eep' was the result of her seeing Kevin's Hummer pull into the driveway. She immediately runs into the house. Kevin emerges from the car in a clown costume. He spots Jake.

"Oh! Hey, Mr. M. What's up?"

Jake gives Kevin a weird look.

Kevin said "Oh, The clown suit! I just came home from a birthday party gig. Payed enough for me to actually help out with the bills this month."

Jake runs up to Kevin and places a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, Kevin, you poor, poor man. I'm so sorry."

Puzzled, Kevin said "Uhhhh...For what?"

Jake said "You deserve so much better. You deserve a wife who loves you and will never betray you."

Kevin said "I already have that. I mean, look at me. I used to be the QB but now I do gigs as a clown at birthday parties but I've still got my babe. Brittany's one in a million."

Rolling his eyes, Jake said "Have you noticed anything...off?"

Confused, Kevin said "What are you talking about?"

Jake said "YOU DON'T NEED TO TAKE THIS! YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN BRITTANY! YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE!"

Even more confused, Kevin said "Uhhhh...What?"

Jake said "You're still young! YOU CAN STILL FIND LOVE!"

Confused and a little freaked out, Kevin said "ummmm...Okaaaayyy."

Jake said "Just remember what I said."

Jake races into his car and leaves. Kevin looks thoughtful and it finally hits him.

"DUDE! Mr. Morgendorffer has a gay crush on me!"

* * *

 **Later that afternoon...**

Jim is in the front yard raking leaves. Kevin approaches him.

"Hey, Jim."

Jim said "Hey, Kevin. How you doing?"

Kevin said "Your father in law came by earlier."

Jim commented "Must've been while Quinn and I were at a lunch meeting with a potential sponsor."

At this point, Jim remembers that Quinn told Jake about Brittany and Daryl. He's immediately nervous.

"What did he say? Did he say anything...shocking?"

Kevin said "That's kind of what I wanted to ask you about."

Jim has just one thought.

 _OH, GOD!_

"Look, Kevin, my father in law just gets confused sometimes. Whatever he said meant nothing."

Kevin said "I dunno, man. He said some weird stuff about me and Brit. He said I deserved better than her."

Nervous, Jim said "I see. Um...Did he say anything else?"

Kevin said "Nah, just that and it's not too late to find love."

Jim is both puzzled and relieved.

"I'm sure he was just talking about life in general."

Kevin said "Nah, he didn't mention any military stuff."

Jim said "I'll talk to him."

Kevin said "Thanks, man. I'm flattered but I don't swing that way."

Confused, Jim said "Umm...What?"

Kevin said "Duh, Jim. It's obvious that he has a gay crush on me."

Jim is trying not to laugh.

* * *

 **Das Morgendorffer Haus, evening...**

Quinn is in the living room having a heart to heart with her father.

"Dad, what the hell?"

Jake said "Do you have any idea how humiliating this is? Brittany's been openly cheating on Kevin for the past nine years and I'm the last one to know about it!"

Quinn said "Dad, you can't go crazy about it like this. It's none of our business."

Jake said "What Brittany's doing is wrong."

Quinn said "I've told her that, more than once, but it's not like I can force her to stop cheating on Kevin."

Jake said "Kevin's raising another man's son as his own and doesn't even realize it."

Quinn said "It helps to think of it this way: Kevin is Kevin Jr.'s father and Daryl's just the sperm donor."

Jake said "I still can't believe everyone's okay with this."

Quinn said "Look, Dad, I admit that it's very awkward at first but you eventually get used to it. Jim and I are so used to it that it feels normal. I know how shocking it is when you first realize what's going on but you'll get used to it before too long. Everyone else has know for years at this point."

Jake suddenly has a look of determination on his face.

"Not everyone. There's still one person who doesn't know, the one person who needs to."

Quinn immediately gasped.

"Dad..."

Jake said "Yes, Quinn, he needs to know. The next time I see him I'm telling Kevin."

* * *

 **Morgendorffer Haus, evening...**

Jake has just declared his intention to tell Kevin the truth about Daryl and Brittany. Quinn is now trying to talk him out of it.

"Dad," she said, "Think about what you're doing."

Jake said "I'm doing what you or Jim should've done a long time ago: the right thing."

Quinn protested "Dad, it's not that simple."

Jake said "Yes, it is. Brittany's betraying her husband."

Quinn said "They have five kids and Brittany pays a majotiry of the bills."

"So?"

Quinn said "So think about that. If Kevin finds out the best case scenario is a family gets broken apart."

Jake hissed "Brittany should've thought of that before she hopped into bed with another man!"

Quinn explained "Yes, she should have, but she didn't. If this were only going to affect Kevin and Brittany then I would've told Kevin as soon as I found out. The kids are why we all keep our mouths shut. It's better for them this way."

Jake insisted "No, it isn't! That family is built on a pile of lies."

Quinn said "Despite his faults Kevin's a good father but that's all he has going for him. He can't hold a steady job so you know Brittany's gonna get sole custody of the kids. I don't think the best thing is them growing up without a father."

Jake said "What about the youngest, Kevin Jr.?"

"What about him?"

Jake said "Kevin's raising another man's child under false pretenses."

Quinn took a deep breath before trying to explain.

"Dad, Kevin Jr. is the result of an extramarital affair. But, at the same time, who changed his diapers when he was a baby? Kevin, that's who. Who's there to pick that boy up when he falls? Kevin. Who taught him to tie his shoes? Kevin. Who taught him how to ride a bike? Kevin. Who spends time bonding with him? Kevin. Daryl's only contribution to Kevin Jr.'s life was getting Brittany pregnant. He's just a sperm donor, Kevin's his father."

Jake said "So, I should just keep silent about Brittany's betrayal!?"

Quinn said "Yes, because innocent people will get hurt otherwise."

Jake looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Jake and Helen's bedroom, later that evening...**

Helen is laying down while Jake sits up and looks thoughtful. Helen sees how distraught her husband is.

"Jake, what's wrong?"

Jake said "This thing with the Thompson's."

Helen said "I know it's awkward but eventually you get used to it."

"Helen?"

"Yes, Jake."

"What if one of the girls wasn't biologically mine, but everything else was the same?"

Offended, Helen said "Excuse me! I have always been faithful to you. Yes, we did some swinging in our hippie days, there was that orgy at the commune, and the time we swapped with Willow and Coyote, and the time you watched me lez out with Sunflower while Tempest rode you like a porn star, but it was all done with one another's knowledge and consent. Since we left the commune we've been completely monogamous."

Jake said "I'm not accusing you of anything, Helen. This is a hypothetical."

Remembering that Kevin Jr. is biologically Daryl's son, Helen immediately understands.

"Jake, even if they weren't biologically ours you'd still be the father. Being a father is about more than contributing to the reproductive process. If a child is raised by one man after being concieved by another then the man who raised the kid is the father. The other one's just a sperm donor. So, if another man sired the girls but everything else was the same then, yes, you'd still be their father."

Jake once again looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **The next day...**

Jake is driving his car down the street. As he does this he is deep in thought.

 _What should I do? On the one hand, Kevin deserves to know that his wife is cheating on him. On the other hand, it could rip that whole family apart._

Jake continues to think.

 _This would be simpler if they didn't have kids. Kevin and Brittany could just get divorced and move on. The fact that they have five kids complicates things considerably. Those kids lives will be thrown into turmoil._

Something else now occurs to Jake.

 _And what about Kevin Jr.? Can he even handle finding out that Kevin's not really his father? Can Kevin handle finding out Kevin Jr.'s not really his son? How would this affect their relationship? I doubt Daryl would step up to the plate if the truth were out in the open. That boy would have to grow up without a father._

As Jake rounds a corner he thinks about another concern.

 _If Kevin knows, maybe Brittany will see what kind of damage she's doing and end things with Daryl. Maybe this could lead to reconciliation._

Jake frowns.

 _Who am I kidding? If Kevin stays with Brittany after finding out it'll be seen as a sign of weakness. Kevin might wind up divorcing Brittany and trying to harm Daryl, all just to save face. There's no way this doesn't end with ruined lives._

Jake now has a realization.

 _There is no right way to handle this. Kevin still deserves to know. If this breaks up the family it's Brittany's fault, not mine. She's the one who cheated, but Kevin's the one who'll lose everything._

Jake becomes angry.

 _She's a GODDAMN HARPY! A SLUT WHO DOESN'T DESERVE THOSE KIDS, BUT SHE'LL STILL GET THEM! GAAAAHHHHHHH, DAMMIT!_

He turns down Bealer Street.

* * *

 **Thompson house, a short time later...**

Kevin is playing with Kevin Jr. in the front yard. Kevin Jr. has a football.

"I'm open, son. I'm open."

Kevin Jr. throws a pass, which Kevin catches.

"Yes! You got it, Dad!"

Kevin said "No, you got it. You'll make one heck of a QB someday."

Smiling, Kevin Jr. said "Thanks, Dad."

Jake's car pulls into the driveway of Casa Carbone. He gets out of his car and watches as Kevin and Kevin Jr. play.

"I'm open, Dad!"

Kevin throws a pass, which Kevin Jr. catches with ease.

"Nice one, Junior!"

Jake walks up to them.

"Hey, Kevin."

Kevin said "Oh, Hi, Mr. M."

Kevin Jr. said "Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer."

Jake said "Teaching him football."

Kevin said "Yeah."

Nervous, Jake said "Kevin, there's something you need to know."

Kevin said "Dude, I think I know what this is about. I'm flattered, but I'm married. I'm also only into chicks."

Jake immediately starts laughing.

"Like, what's so funny?"

Jake said "I...hoh-ho...I'm...hah...I'm not gay."

Kevin is now confused.

"Then what was all that stuff about how I deserve better than Brittany the other day."

Jake turns serious.

"Kevin, that's what I need to talk to you about. There's something you need to know."

At this point, Kevin Jr. speaks up.

"Hey, Dad, you think I could be a quarterback someday?"

Smiling, Kevin said "Of course. You've got what it takes. Or, you could be whatever else you wanna be."

With admiration in his voice, Kevin Jr. said "I wanna be a QB, just like you were."

Kevin said "Cool! But you don't have to be QB just because I was."

Kevin Jr. said "No, I wanna be a quarterback. Who knows, maybe I'll go pro someday."

Smiling, Kevin said "You can be whatever you want. Just don't let your grades slip, like I did. Remember, you're smarter than me."

Kevin Jr. said "Thanks, Dad."

Kevin Jr. runs into the house. Kevin looks on with pride.

"That's my boy. Not that I don't love all of my kids, but Kevin Jr.'s my pride and joy. I'd do anything for that kid."

Jake is almost moved to tears.

Kevin asked "So, what did you want to tell me about Brittany?"

Nervous, Jake said "Um...Well...You see...I...I just wanted you to know that you've got a great life. You're a wonderful father to your kids. I just hope Brittany knows how lucky she is to have you."

Kevin said "She does."

Jake said "Keep being the best husband and father you can be. Just because you're parents now doesn't mean there's no room for romance."

Scratching his chin, Kevin said "I guess I do kinda take Brit for granted. Thanks, Mr. M."

Jake said "Don't mention it."

As Kevin heads back into his house Quinn comes out of Casa Carbone. She walks right up to her father and looks very concerned.

"Dad, did...did you..."

Jake said "No, I didn't tell him. Can we talk?"

Quinn said "I haven't eaten yet. How about we have lunch?"

* * *

 **Pizza King, a short time later...**

Over pizza Jake tells Quinn about his conversation with Kevin.

"After seeing how close he is to Kevin Jr. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him."

Quinn said "That's what I tried to tell you sooner. Daryl's just a sperm donor. Kevin's that boy's father."

Jake said "I did tell Kevin that he needs to be a good husband as well as a good father. Hopefully, he'll take that advice to heart and Brittany will see the error of her ways."

Quinn said "It's better that way. The reason no one tells Kevin what's going on is because we know it'll do more harm than good."

Jake said "I guess that makes sense. You think he'll ever catch on?"

Quinn said "Kevin!? I doubt it, but I hope Brittany finally realizes how selfish she's being at some point."

Jake smiles.

"You know, now that I'm used to the idea it is kind of funny that Kevin hasn't caught on despite all the overwhelming evidence."

Quinn said "It's like Jim always says: don't fix something that isn't broken."

Jake said "I'll drink to that."

They raise their sodas in a toast.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Stacy interviews Tony Carbone for veterans day and gains some insight into why he is the way he is.


	9. Career Daze

**Disclaimer**

 **I was originally going to delve into Tony Carbone's backstory with this chapter. Unfortunately, the story just wasn't coming together and I had to abandon it and move on to the next idea.**

 **Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 9**

 **"Career Daze"**

 **Written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Lewis Elementary School, day...**

Mrs. Henderson is addressing her first grade class. The students include Quinn "Q" Ruttheimer, Michelle Wang, Shane Sloane, Kevin Thompson Jr. and the Carbone Triplets.

"Class," said Mrs. Henderson, "As you know this is carrer week. You'll have Friday off to spend with your parents at their jobs. For example...Michelle, what do your parents do?"

Michelle said "My Dad's a senior anaylist at Grace, Sloane and Paige. He works for Shane's Dad." Under her breath, she added "Unfortunately."

This elicits a quiet laugh from Teddy Carbone.

Mrs. Henderson said "Wonderful. Q, we know that your mother is a reporter for WSBC, what does your father do?"

Q said "He owns his own internet business, FeistyIT."

Mrs. Henderson asked "And what do your parents do, Kevin?"

Kevin Jr. said "My mom's the cheerleading coach at Lawndale High and my dad works freelance as a clown at parties."

Shane snidely remarked "Don't you mean Mr. Thompson?"

Kevin Jr., unaware of his true paternity said "Yeah, my dad."

Mrs. Henderson, Teddy and Michelle, being the only ones besides Shane who know that Kevin Jr.'s real father is Daryl, look uncomfortable.

 **Casa Carbone, a little while later...**

Jim is in the home office paying some bills when Quinn comes in. Jim asked "How was your time at the shooting range?"

Handing the gun to Jim, Quinn said "Thanks for letting me borrow your Beretta."

Jim said "No problem. How'd you do?"

Quinn reaches into her purse, pulls out the silhouette target she'd been shooting and hands it to Jim. His jaw quickly drops as he sees the grouping of her shots. They are all dead center head shots.

"Damn," he said, "Fifteen dead center head shots. There are Navy SEALs who aren't that good!"

Looking embarrassed, Quinn said "I had some help."

"Who?"

Blushing, Quinn hands Jim a photo that she'd taped on the target. Jim looks and frowns.

"So, you were thinking about her again."

Quinn said "I know, but using hostile feelings really helps my focus."

Jim asked "Why do you hate Jennifer Pearl so much, anyway?"

Quinn said "I didn't at first."

* * *

 **Nine years ago...**

Quinn is at Pizza King having lunch with Daria. They are approached by Jennifer Burns, formerly known as Burnout Girl. She looks very down.

"Jennifer?" said Daria.

Jennifer said "Yeah, Daria."

Daria asked "Something wrong? I haven't seen you look this upset since that time you fell off of the trampoline in gym class."

Quinn said "Yeah, what's wrong?"

In an accusing tone, Jennifer asked Quinn "Since when does Princess Popularity give a damn about lowly old Burnout Girl?"

Quinn said "Since I grew up and stopped being a selfish brat."

Sighing, Jennifer said "Sorry, Quinn. You're both right, I am upset."

Quinn asked "How come?"

Sitting down with the sisters, Jennifer said "I just became the recession's latest casualty."

Quinn said "I'm sorry."

Daria said "Welcome to the club. I've been unemployed for the past two years."

Quinn added "Jim and I both lost our jobs last year."

Jennifer said "While Daria's stuck living back with her parents you and Jim seem to be doing alright."

Quinn said "It hasen't been easy. We each started a YouTube channel. That's our source of income now."

Jennifer said "You're lucky. I don't have any screen presence."

Quinn said "Trust me, you have potential."

Jennifer now looks thoughtful.

 **Quinn:** (VO from present) "I took her under my wing, I even suggested the YouTube moniker Jennifer Pearl, which turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life."

* * *

 **Two and a half years later...**

A now visibly pregnant Quinn is at Food Lord. She runs into Jennifer.

"Jennifer, how are you?"

Jennifer said "I just hit two million subscribers. You?"

Quinn said "Pregnant, with triplets."

Jennifer snidely asked "Who's the father?"

Offended, Quinn said "My husband."

Jennifer said "You actually married Jim! Good for you. Now, who's really the father?"

Quinn said "Excuse Me!"

Jennifer said "No way you're being faithful to a brain."

Visibly fuming, Quinn said "Are you saying I'm a slut?"

Before Jennifer can answer a stock boy who's a very handsome teenager approaches them.

"Dude," he said, "Are you Jennifer Pearl?"

Jennifer said "Guilty as charged."

The guy said "This is so awesome, can I have your autograph?"

Smiling, Jennifer said "Of course."

Quinn said "I'm the Smore 'n' Pores girl. I helped her get her start."

The guy said "Whatever."

Quinn looks royally pissed. After Jennifer gives the guy an autograph and poses for a selfie with him he leaves.

With an evil smile, Jennifer said "I'd love to stay and chat, Quinn, but I have a date tonight...with Channing Tatum."

Quinn is now visibly jealous.

 **Quinn:** (VO from present) "And that was just the beginning. She never missed an opportunity to rub my nose in the fact that she's more successful than I am. Then she started actively trying to steal my sponsors, launched a campaign to get my subscribers to desert me, and I can't even tell you how many times she's tried to get my channel taken down with phony copy strikes."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, present day...**

Quinn finishes telling her story.

"I gave her her start and she thanks me by constantly trying to undermine and destroy me."

Jim said "Why not just let it go? After all..."

Interrupting him, Quinn menacingly said "Say anything nice about her and you WILL lose a testicle."

"EEP!"

* * *

 **Evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are having dinner. Tommy is telling them about the special assignment.

"...so Mrs. Henderson wants us to spend Friday at work with our parents and write a report about it. We have Friday off."

Jim said "No, you don't."

Timmy said "But you and Mom work from home."

Tommy said "Yeah, how hard can that be?"

Quinn explained "A lot more work goes into it than you boys think. Making cool videos is the result."

Jim added "Yeah, you don't see all the editing that goes into it."

Quinn continued "Not only that, but you often have to make contacts for sponsorship deals, connect with fans, attend conventions."

Tommy and Timmy look horrified. Teddy looks interested. He said "That sounds about right. Any examples?"

Quinn said "I recently got a call from a guy from Texas. HR Thatherton, of Thatherton Fuels. He wants to sponsor my channel. This Friday I'm picking him up from the airport and showing him around. This could be a huge pay day if I handle it right."

His interest perked, Teddy asked "Can I tag along? I can learn about what goes into landing a sponsorship deal."

Quinn said "I suppose. Just don't say anything he might find offensive."

Teddy said "I'll be seen and not heard."

Smiling, Jim said "Tommy and Timmy can spend the day helping me."

Tommy asked "What are you doing, Dad?"

Jim said "Restoring an old Chevy Bel Air and filming the whole process."

Tommy and Timmy both gasp as they realize that while Teddy gets to go out on the town they'll be stuck doing manual labor.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Friday morning...**

Jim is in the driveway waxing Quinn's Cadillac. Tommy and Timmy are helping him.

"Dad," said Tommy, "Why are we waxing Mom's car?"

Jim said "Because she's meeting a potential sponser today and wants to make a good impression."

Timmy said "But this is lame."

Jim said "Don't worry. Once Mack delivers that old Chevy we can have some real fun."

As if on cue, Mack pulls up in a wrecker. On the back is a 1957 Chevy Bel Air that's completely rusted out, the paint is faded and the windows are all missing. Mack steps out of his wrecker.

"Here you go, Jim, one rusted Chevy Bel Air."

Jim said "Boys, have a look inside."

Tommy and Timmy climb onto the back of the hauler and have a look inside. There's a raccoon in the driver seat. It immediately hisses at the boys and they run off.

"What's wrong?" asked Jim.

Frightened, Timmy said "There's a huge raccoon in there."

Jim climbs up and opens the driver side door. The raccoon scrurries out and runs off. At this point, Quinn and Teddy come out.

"You guys having fun?" she asked.

Timmy whined "We were almost attacked by a raccoon!"

Jim said "Relax. I once worked on a rust bucket that had a rattlesnake living in it."

At this point, a pink Cadillac convertable pulls up. It's being driven by a blond woman with expertly done makeup wearing designer clothes. As she steps out of the car Jim and Mack are visibly enticed by her unnaturally large breasts (courtesy of the best plastic surgeon money can buy). Her name is Jennifer Burns, formerly known as Burnout Girl but now known as Jennifer Pearl.

"Hey, Quinn," she said in a condescending tone, "Husband bought himself the best you two can afford, I see."

Quinn, her eyes narrowing with raw hatred, hissed "Pearl!"

Jim said "I'm restoring it for one of my YouTube videos."

Jennifer said "Cool! And what are you doing, Quinn? Aside from losing viewers to me, that is."

Quinn haughtily said "I'll have you know that I'm meeting with a potential sponser today."

Mocking, Jennifer said "Who? Rednecks are Us?"

Quinn said "No. Sam Clayton, of Clayton Fuels."

Jennifer said "I see. How many blow jobs you gonna offer him?"

Offended, Quinn said "Unlike you, I don't whore myself out to every guy who comes along."

Mocking, Jennifer said "And that's why you'll always be second best. Well, don't let me hold you up? After all, it's not like your husband or kids need any attention."

Laughing, Jennifer gets back in her car and drives off. Quinn stares daggers at her the whole time.

* * *

 **Philadelphia International Airport, an hour later...**

Quinn and Teddy are at the greeting area waiting for Mr. Clayton.

"Mom," said Teddy, "What's the deal with that woman who stopped by?"

Quinn said "It's complicated, Teddy. I used to be friends with her."

Teddy said "Do all of your friends show up at the house just to insult you?"

Quinn said "We're not friends anyomre."

Teddy deadpanned "Really, I'm shocked."

Quinn gives Teddy a dirty look.

Unfazed, Teddy asked "What happened between you and her anyway?"

Quinn said "She became more successful than me."

Teddy deadpanned "The perfect reason to hate someone."

Quinn explained "It's not like that. She let it all go to her head. She thinks everyone is beneath her. You'll understand when you're older."

Teddy said "What's not to understand? Fame inflated her ego and now she has a God complex."

Quinn is visibly amazed at Teddy's insight. Just then, they are approached by a man. This man has a brown mullet, handlebar mustache, and is dressed in gaudy cowboy attire.

"Howdy, little lady," he said, "You must be the Smores 'n' Pores girl. I'm Sam Clayton, of Clayton Fuels."

Quinn shook his hand.

"Quinn Carbone, and this is my son, Teddy."

Sam said "Put 'er there, pard."

He shakes Teddy's hand, crushing it in the process.

"OW!"

Laughing, Sam said "Guess you ain't hit yer growth spurt yet. You look like the kinda folks I used to beat up in high school."

Teddy stares daggers at him while Quinn frowns. It's going to be a long day.

* * *

 **Quinn's Cadillac, a short time later...**

Quinn is driving while Sam is in the front passenger seat. Teddy is in the back taking notes. Sam looked out the window.

"So, this is Philadelphia, huh?"

Quinn said "Yes. Where do you wanna go first?"

Sam said "I heard you're originally from Texas. That true?"

Quinn said "Yes. I was born in Highland and lived there until I was fourteen."

Sam said "Damn proud to be doing business with a fellow Texan. My family goes all the way back to the Alamo. What about you?"

Quinn said "My parents moved to Texas about five years before I was born. My father's from Maryland and my mother's from Virginia."

In a condescending tone, Sam said "So you ain't a real Texan. Too bad. How about we get some lunch and talk business."

Quinn said "Where do you wanna go?"

Sam said "I always wanted to try me a Philly Cheesesteak."

He turns his attention to Teddy.

"You gettin' this, four eyes?"

Teddy said "Yes, cowpoke."

Sam turns his attention back to Quinn.

"You know, that name don't suit you at all, lil' lady. I think I'll call you Bonnie. You look like a Bonnie."

Teddy deadpanned "Because Mrs. Carbone just doesn't sound right."

Sam eyes Quinn lecherously, which she pretends not to notice. Teddy has just one thought.

 _Is it too late to trade places with my brothers?_

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Jim and Tommy are looking under the hood of the old chevy while Timmy holds the camera. Tommy asked "Why are we working on this piece of junk?"

Jim said "Because that's what I do for a living?"

Timmy said "Hey, Dad, wouldn't it be funny if I did a dance in Mom's sundress?"

Jim said "A little. It'd also be disturbing."

Timmy said "I was thinking something like this."

He puts down the camera and starts twerking. As he does this he also sings.

"Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me. Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me. Don'tcha!"

Tommy said "That's so gay."

Jim said "Timmy, keep filming and stop singing."

Timmy said "Okay. I can make my own video later."

Jim said "No, you can't!"

Timmy asked "How come?"

Jim said "Because...well...you see...people might think certain things. Things you don't want them thinking."

Timmy asked "What will they think?"

Jim is about to explain, but loses his nerve.

"I'll explain when you're older."

Timmy said "Can I at least borrow Mom's makeup? A video like that would be funny. I think I might wanna be a dancer when I grow up."

Jim now has a thought.

 _Now, I'm REALLY worried about his future sexuality._

* * *

 **A diner in downtown Philadelphia...**

Quinn is seated at a table with Teddy and Sam. She's trying to talk business.

"So, what do I get if I mention Clayton Fuels in my videos?"

Sam said "Well, Bonnie, I ain't entirely sure I wanna sponsor you yet. If I do, I'll pay one thousand per video."

Before the conversation can continue they are approached by Jennifer. She said "Hey, Quinn. So, has he propositioned you yet?"

Quinn said "Only offering to pay me a thousand per mention of his company in my videos."

Sam, who seems a little starstruck, said "You're Jennifer Pearl!"

Jennifer said "Guilty as charged. If you want, I'll mention you in the videos for only five-hundred."

Sam said "That's a good deal."

Quinn blurted out "Four hundred."

Teddy said "Don't stain yourselves trying to undercut each other."

Jennifer seductively bats her eyes at Sam as she asks "So, is there a Mrs. Clayton?"

Taking the bait, Sam said "No, there is not."

Jennifer said "That's hard to believe. You look like a real catch."

She writes her contact information on a piece of paper and hands it to Sam.

"Call me sometime," she said before seductively adding "sexy."

She blows Sam a kiss and walks away. He's obviously smitten with her.

"Maybe I should sponsor her instead."

"Pearl." Quinn angrily hissed under her breath before saying "Please reconsider. You'll get plenty of exposure sponsoring my channel."

Sam said "Well, you do let me call you Bonnie."

Quinn said "What will it take for you to sponsor Smores 'n' Pores?"

Sam said "You know, I bet you look hot in a bikini. How about you do some modeling for me?"

Offended, Quinn said "Look, that's not going to happen."

Sam said "Then I guess you won't mind if I sponsor Jennifer Pearl instead."

This awakens Quinn's competitive instincts. With a resigned sigh, she said "Fine."

Sam grins lecherously while Teddy deadpans "One soul, coming up."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Jim and Tommy are cleaning out the old chevy while Timmy films them. Sandi Griffin walks up to the open garage.

"JIM!" she called out.

Jim and Tommy stop working. Jim said "Hey, Sandi. Quinn's not here."

Sandi asked "Where is she?"

Tommy said "Out having fun with Teddy while we're stuck here working."

Sandi gives Jim a curious look. Jim explained "It's Bring Your Kid to Work Day. Quinn and Teddy are meeting a potential sponsor while we restore an old Chevy Bel Air."

Sandi gives Jim a look of sympathy as she says "Oh, Jim, I'm so sorry. She ran out on you and took one of the kids."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "No, she didn't."

Sandi said "Jim, she's not coming back. She'll run off with this guy. Just like...like...," she sturggles to hold back tears, "...JOEY RAN OUT ON ME."

She hugs Jim as she cries incessantly, which makes him very uncomfortable. She soon stops crying and turns her attention to Tommy and Timmy.

"Boys, why don't you play inside while your father and I talk?"

Happy to finally get out of this both Tommy and Timmy scamper off.

"Sandi," said a mildly annoyed Jim, "They were supposed to help me for a school project."

Hugging Jim again, Sandi said "But you need consolation. You're in denial."

Gently shoving Sandi off of him, Jim said "No, Sandi, you're projecting. You need to get out of this funk you've been in since your divorce."

Sandi said "But...but..."

Jim said "Look, you don't need him. You just need to not give up."

Sandi starts to cry again. Jim tries to calm her down.

"Sandi, you need to get over Joey."

Sandi sobbed "But...sniff...but what if I never find love."

Jim said "Considering why Joey left, why are you even being so hung up on him? He cheated on you."

Sandi said "But...sob...but...sniff...what if he comes back?"

Jim is now sturggling to come up with some words of comfort. Sandi's far too distraught to handle the truth that Joey's never coming back. Finally, he gets an idea.

"You need to take your mind off of things. Why don't you help me with the car?"

Sandi said "But, I don't know how to fix old cars."

Jim said "Never too late to learn."

Sandi smiles while Jim is visibly relieved that he got her to stop crying.

* * *

 **Fashion Outlets of Philadelphia...**

Sam and Tommy are in a bikini shop called "Aphrodite". Quinn emerges from the fitting room in a black string bikini that leaves very little to the imagination.

Sam said "Hot damn, Bonnie, you sure don't look like a 35 year old who had three kids. Alllllrrriiiiiight."

Quinn said "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Sam said "You want me to sponsor your channel, don't ya?"

Quinn said "As flattered as I am that you want to see me in a bikini, this is borderline sexual harrassment. Not only that, but my six year old son is with us."

Teddy said "It's not like I don't know what the female body looks like."

Quinn gives him a suspicious look.

"What? I found one of Dad's issues of Playboy lying around once."

Quinn thought _Jim really should know better than to leave that stuff lying around._

Sam said "You got one nice body, Bonnie. You should get that."

Quinn looks at herself in the mirror and is conflicted.

 _On the one hand, I do look hot in this. One look at me in this bikini will have Jim unable to keep his hands off of me. On the other hand, I'm parading half naked in front of a creepy guy and my own son._

Out loud, she said "Can we do something else? I'm uncomfortable doing this in front of my son." _And you, you perv._

Sam said "Alright, little lady. You know, I bet Jennifer Pearl would model bikinis for me."

"Fine!" Quinn hissed.

She goes to change into another bikini. Once she's in the fitting room Teddy asked "Mr. Clayton, why are you making my mom model bikinis for you?"

Sam said "She wants to, she just doesn't know it yet."

Teddy can obviously smell the bullshit. Quinn emerges in a green bikini that's so skimpy she might as well be naked. She does not look happy.

"Damn, that's hot, woman!" said Sam.

Sounding annoyed, Quinn said "Glad you approve."

Sam said "I'll buy you that one and the black one."

Sounding hopeful, Quinn said "So, I'm done modeling."

Sam said "Yep. I'll pay fer 'em and we can go."

Quinn is visibly relieved.

Sam said "I feel like hittin' a strip club after this."

Quinn firmly said "No way are we doing that!"

Sam said "Why not?"

Quinn said "For starters, we have a six year old boy with us. They won't even let him in."

Sam said "So he waits in the car. Come on, Bonnie. Don't you want this sponsorship deal?"

Quinn said "Yes, but not this much."

Sam said "Well, then I guess I'll give Jennifer Pearl a call. She'd probably take me to a strip club."

"Pearl!" Quinn hissed before letting out a resigned sigh. "Fine, I'll take you to a strip club."

Sam grins lecherously while Teddy shakes his head in disgust.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, late afternoon...**

While a tripod mounted camera records them Sandi and Jim secure chains around the engine of the old Chevy. The chains are connected to a pulley mounted on the ceiling of the garage. Sandi connects the last chain. Jim said "Thanks, Sandi. Now, stand back while I lift this thing out of here."

Sandi backs away from the car while Jim goes to a large red button mounted in the wall. He presses the button and the pulley goes into action, lifting the engine out of the car.

Sandi asked "What do we do next?"

Jim said "Next, I'm going to push the car out of the way. Then, I place jack stands where the car was and lower the engine onto them. Then, we take a look to see what's salvageable and what needs to be replaced."

Sandi asked "Can I help?"

Jim said "Just watch and learn until I have the engine lowered. I don't want the thing falling on you."

 _He's sooo thoughtful_ Sandi thought. Jim doesn't notice the warm smile she's giving him.

* * *

 **Cafe Risque...**

Quinn is at the bar looking miserable while a visibly drunk Sam is practically throwing his money at the exotic dancers on the stage. He soon stumbles over to Quinn.

"'Ey, Bonnie...hic...Ya'd make a damn fine...urp...stribber." he slurred.

Quinn, not sounding convincing, said "Thanks."

Sam's too drunk to notice the sarcasm in her voice. He returns to the strippers when Quinn notices someone enter the club. Her eyes narrow menacingly.

"Pearl!"

Yes, it's Jennifer Pearl. She walks right up to Quinn.

"Well, Quinn, desperate enough to take him to a strip joint, I see."

Quinn hissed "What are you doing here?"

Jennifer said "I've been following you all day, waiting for a perfect chance to snatch this guy and his money from you. Also, I enjoy watching you humiliate yourself just to close a deal." Jennifer turns her attention to the bartender, a latina woman clad only in sexy lingerie. "Give her a Cosmo, on me. I'm feeling..." her voice takes on a condescending tone, "...charitable."

The bartender serves Quinn a Cosmo. She notices how unhappy Quinn looks.

"You don't look like you're having much fun."

Quinn said "That's because I'm not. I'm trying to close a business deal with..." she points to Sam, "...that guy. You wouldn't believe what all I've had to do."

The bartender said "I know how that feels. I'm putting myself through college by working here. I'm just glad that this shift I'm serving drinks instead of dancing naked."

Quinn said "This guy's already made me model bikinis for him. Now, my six year old son is waiting in the car while I take him to a strip club."

The bartender said "You must really need to close this deal."

Quinn, looking embarrassed, said "Actually, I don't. I make over six figures already."

The bartender has a sudden look of realization on her face.

"You're the Smores 'n' Pores girl!"

Quinn nods.

The bartender asked "Why are you doing this?"

Quinn asked "Why do you work in a strip club?"

The bartender said "Because I need the money. As soon as I don't I'm outta here. But your channel's so popular that you can't possibly need money this badly, so why are you doing this?"

"Pearl!" Quinn hissed.

"Pearl!?" said the bartender, "As in Jennifer Pearl?"

Pointing, Quinn said "That's her over there. She's always trying to steal sponsors from me. And this guy keeps threatening to sponsor her in order to get me to do whatever he wants."

Nodding, the bartender said "This isn't about money, is it?"

Quinn asked "What do you mean?"

The bartender said "This is about one upping Jennifer Pearl. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what it seems like to me."

Quinn now looks very thoughtful. At this point, Sam staggers back over to her.

"'Ey, Bonnie, les go ta my hotel an ged...hic...nekked...urp.."

Quinn is now throroughly disgusted.

"No freaking way am I hooking up with you, you perv."

Sam threatened "Ya wa...hic...wanna lose the sponsorship deal?"

Quinn decides she's had enough.

"That does it! First off, my name's not Bonnie, it's Quinn. Second, you don't care about advertising, you just wanna get in my pants. I am not your whore. YOU GOT THAT!"

Sam said "C'mon. Le's ged busy."

He then grabs Quinn's left breast. Quinn angrily slaps his hand away.

"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU CREEP!"

Jennifer now sees her opportunity. She saunters right over to them.

"You can touch me, and a lot more...stud."

Sam said "Well, alright. You just got yourself a sponsorship."

Jennifer said "So, your place or mine?"

As they leave, Quinn stares daggers at both of them.

 _You...you...YOU WHORE!_

* * *

 **The parking lot, a short time later...**

Teddy is sitting in the front passenger seat of Quinn's Cadillac reading a copy of "The Art Of War". Quinn steps into the car and starts the enginr.

Looking up from his book, Teddy asked "Where's Mr. Clayton?"

Quinn said "The deal's off. I'm not taking his money."

Teddy said "Jennifer swooped in and stole him, didn't she?"

Quinn said "I already decided the deal was off before that happened. We're already doing just fine without his ad money."

As the car drove Teddy said "I could've told you that back at the diner. This wasn't about the money, was it?"

Quinn ashamedly admitted "No, it was about sticking it to Jennifer Pearl."

Teddy asked "So why did you let her have him?"

Quinn said "I finally realized it wasn't worth it. I'm not sacrificing my integrity over a petty rivalry."

Teddy said "Any more than you already have, you mean."

Quinn briefly gives a hostile look to Teddy before letting it go. He's right after all.

"I just hope you never sink to that kind of low."

Teddy said "At least you got out before it was too late."

Now, Quinn can't help smiling.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim and Sandi are cleaning up the garage when Quinn's car pulls into the driveway. Quinn and Teddy step out. Quinn walks up to Jim.

"Where's Tommy and Timmy."

Jim said "They weren't into it so Sandi sent them off."

Sandi said "You were right, Jim. Working on a car does take your mind off of things. Thanks."

Quinn said "You wanna stay for dinner, Sandi?"

Sandi said "No, thanks. You've got yourself a good man, Quinn. Later."

With that, Sandi left. Quinn turned to Jim.

"What happened?"

Jim said "She showed up and started crying about Joey. I had to do something, so I got her to help with the car."

Quinn smiles.

"Jim, that was so nice of you."

Jim said "I think she learned something today, and not just about cars. I think she's now found a way to deal with her issues that doesn't involve wallowing in self pity."

Quinn hugged her husband.

"Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you?"

They kiss.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, a short time later...**

Sandi is sitting in a chair with a bottle of Cognac in one hand and a photograph in the other. The picture has her on one side, Jim on the other and Quinn in the middle. Jim and Sandi each have an arm around Quinn while Quinn has an arm around each of them. All three of them are smiling.

Sandi reaches into the end table. She gets out a pair of scissors, and red marker and some scotch tape. First, she cuts her side of the picture off. Next, she cuts off Jim's side. She throws the middle, where Quinn is standing, into a waste basket. Next, she tapes her and Jim's sides together. Finally, she takes the magic marker. She draws a heart around her head, another heart around Jim's head and writes "Meant To Be" at the bottom.

She looks at the altered picture and sighs contentedly.

"It's only a matter of time."

She resumes drinking as fantasies of a happily ever after with Jim swirl through her head.

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, Monday morning...**

Mrs. Henderson's class is reading their reports on a day with there parents at work. Michelle is currently up.

"...so, in addition to his job duties, my father spends a lot of time kissing up to Mr. Sloane in an effort to secure a membership at Winged Tree Country Club."

Mrs. Henderson said "That was very good, Michelle. You've given a good example of how to network on the job."

Michelle deadpanned "Because being a ruthless social climber matters so much more than actual merit."

Teddy stifles a laugh as Michelle takes her seat. Once she sits down, Teddy said "Nice one."

Smiling, Michelle said "Thanks. It's nice to finally have a classmate who gets me."

Mrs. Henderson said "Theodore Carbone, your turn."

Teddy walks up to the front of the class.

"I spent my Friday with my mother. For those of you who don't know, my mom's Quinn the Smores 'n' Pores girl. On this particualr day, she was meeting with a potential sponsor..."

 **Sometime later...**

Teddy is finishing his presentation.

"...In conclusion, I learned an important lession. While it's important to make money it's also important to do so in a way that doesn't compromise your principles. I also learned that in business one should never allow personal feelings to cloud their better judgment."

Mrs. Henderson said "That was very informative, Teddy. Your grasp of some of the moral dilemma's that one faces in business was remarkably clear."

Teddy flashes a Mona Lisa smile errily similar to his aunt Daria's.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Author's notes:**

 **Sandi's newfound crush on Jim:** This one isn't going to lead to any high drama. It's just going to be an unrequited interest that I sometimes pull out as a joke.

 **Jim's concerns about Timmy:** As Timmy has some effeminate interests Jim worries that the boy may be gay. The fact that this bothers Jim is intended to make the point that Jim is not as liberal and open minded as he thinks he is.


	10. No, Thanksgiving

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 10**

 **"No, Thanksgiving"**

 **written by WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, Monday afternoon...**

Quinn is in the backyard draining out the pool. Her next door neighbor, Ming Wang, comes up to the fence.

"Quinn, how are you?"

Smiling, Quinn said "Hi, Ming."

Seeing what's going on, Ming asked "What you doing?"

Quinn said "I'm draining out the pool. The thing costs a fortune to heat in the winter."

Ming asked "Why Jim no do it?"

Quinn said "He's still restoring that old Chevy."

At this point, something occurs to Quinn.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

Ming said "Eating at home."

Quinn asked "You don't have any family visiting!?"

Ming said "They no celebrate Thanksgiving in China."

Quinn asked "What about old friends from out west?"

Sighing, Ming said "Everyone we used to know hate us because Chan always insult everyone."

While this doesn't surprise Quinn one bit she still feels sorry for Ming. Suddenly, Quinn gets an idea.

"Why don't you guys spend Thanksgiving with us?"

Ming asked "What about your family?"

Quinn said "The only one visiting is my sister. My parents are on a Caribbean cruise, Jim's dad is celebrating with his friends at the VFW and his mom is in Miami with her new boyfriend while Chris and Lindy are spending it with Lindy's mom. We have plenty of room."

Ming smiles.

"We accept. Thank you, Quinn."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in the office. Quinn has just told him about inviting the Wangs. Jim's reaction is what she expected.

"No-freaking-way."

Quinn said "But they'll be alone on Thanksgiving otherwise."

Jim said "And just how is that our problem?"

Quinn said "Do it for Teddy. You know how hard it is for him to make friends. Now, he has Michelle to hang out with. Wouldn't it be nice if, for once, Teddy has someone to talk to on Thanksgiving."

Jim said "Not when it comes with Chan. You know what a total asshole he is?"

Quinn said "Maybe he'll behave himself this time."

Jim gives his wife a 'who are you kidding' look, which she notices.

Quinn admitted "Okay, but will you at least behave yourself."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Wang House...**

Ming has just informed Chan of Quinn's invitation. Chan reacts as expected.

"I no spend holiday with ignorant white trash."

Ming said "They no white trash, they upper middle class."

Chan barked "They in country club? No. They have fortune? No. They stupid peasants."

Ming said "We no have that either."

Chan protested "But I getting in good with Tom Sloane. Only matter of time until he let us join Winged Tree."

Ming said "I friends with Quinn and Michelle friends with Teddy."

Chan defiantly said "You let our little girl hang out with them. She should be hanging out with Tom's boy, Shane."

Ming angrily said "Shane spoiled bully and you know it."

Chan said "He come from money. That what count."

Ming gets right in Chan's face.

"We spending Thanksgiving with Carbone's and that final. Live with it!"

Chan mutters a few obscenities in Mandarin as he accepts defeat.

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, the next day...**

The first grade class is at recess. While Tommy and Timmy play with Kevin Jr. Teddy is sitting on a bench with Michelle.

Michelle said "It's cool that I'm spending Thanksgiving at your place. Your parents are pretty cool."

Teddy said "This is the first year I'll have someone intelligent to talk to."

At this point, they are approached by Shane, Al and Lou. Shane said "Hey, Michelle, why do you hang out with that weirdo?"

Michelle fired back "Because it's better than hanging out with you, you jerk."

In a mocking tone, Shane said "Oh, that hurts so much. Don't you wanna be cool?"

Teddy said "Given your definition of cool, I'd say...no."

Shane said "Al!"

Al punches Teddy in the gut, throws his glasses on the ground and stomps them.

"That's for talking back to Shane, four eyes."

Shane and his buddies walk away laughing. Michelle stars daggers at them.

"Jerks!"

She helps Teddy up while he takes a spair pair of glasses out of his pocket and puts them on.

"Good thing I always pack a spare."

Michelle said "I can't believe my dad insists I be friends with Shane."

Teddy deadpanned "I'm sure it has nothing to do with his parents' money."

Michelle giggled.

"Nice one."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Thanksgiving...**

The doorbell rings. Jim and Quinn answer. It's the Wangs.

"Glad you could make it." said Quinn.

Ming said "Thank you for invite. You need help with anything?"

Quinn said "Tommy and Teddy are helping me."

Ming said "It no bother."

She and Quinn make their way to the kitchen while Jim tries to be civil to Chan.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Chan."

Chan said "You no talk to me, stupid peasant."

Jim said "Watch it, you.."

"JIM!" Quinn yelled from the kitchen.

Jim holds his tongue. Chan, on the other hand...

"That's right, you totally whipped nancy boy."

"CHAN!" Ming shouted in an ominous tone.

Sensing the tension, Teddy said "Michelle, you wanna go outside?"

Michelle said "Gladly."

They're about to walk out when Chan grabs Michelle.

"Oh, no! You no spend time alone with boy who not Shane Sloane!"

Jim said "So, you'd rather see your daughter hang out with a spoiled bully than a straight-A student."

Chan said "Sloane's have money. They better than trash like you."

Offended, Jim said "Quinn and I make six figures."

Chan barked "You make YouTube videos. You no have real job, like me."

Jim and Chan are now so busy trying to talk over each other that they don't notice Teddy and Michelle slip out the door.

* * *

 **The front yard, a short time later...**

Teddy and Michelle are sitting on the doorstep and talking. Teddy asked "What's your father's problem?"

Michelle said "He thinks only the top one percent deserve respect."

Teddy said "Even though he isn't one of them?"

Michelle explained "He wants to be, that's why he always kisses Mr. Sloane's ass."

At this point, they're approached by Kevin Jr.

"Hey, you two. What's going on?"

Teddy said "We're talking while our dads are fighting."

Sounding annoyed, Michelle said "What do you want?"

Not noticing the hostile tone, Kevin Jr. said "My mom invited Daryl over for Thanksgiving and he keeps wanting to talk to me. It kinda creeped me out."

Teddy and Michelle aren't the least bit surprised. Unlike Kevin Jr., they know that his real father is Daryl.

"Hey," said Kevin Jr., "you wanna go somewhere cool?"

Michelle said "Much as we'd like to..."

Teddy interrupted "Sure."

Kevin Jr. said "Cool. Get your bikes, I'll meet you at the corner."

Once he left, Michelle said to Teddy "Are you crazy? We're having dinner in a few hours."

Teddy said "We'll be back by then. What's with you?"

Michelle said "I don't like Kevin Jr. He sort of creeps me out."

Teddy said "Relax, he's harmless."

Michelle thinks it over.

"Well, it is kind of funny when he makes an ass of himself. Okay, I'm in."

* * *

 **Later...**

Teddy and Michelle have their bikes and are meeting Kevin Jr. on the corner. Kevin Jr. asked "So, where you wanna go?"

Michelle said "I don't know."

Teddy said "I'd say the library, but they're closed for Thanksgiving."

Rolling his eyes, Kevin Jr. said "That's too lame anyway."

He then gets an idea.

"Hey, let's check out the woods east of town."

Michelle said "What about...Metalmouth?"

Teddy said "You actually buy that legend!?"

Michelle elbows Teddy. The truth is that she just doesn't want to hang out with Kevin Jr.

"Come on," said Kevin Jr., "It'll be fun."

With that, the three kids leave while their parents are none the wiser.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, one hour later...**

Daria walks up to the front door and rings the bell. Quinn answers.

"Daria, you made it!"

The two sisters hug. Daria then enters the house as Quinn closes the door behind her.

"How was the trip, sis?"

Daria said "Well, Penn Station was packed as always but the train ride was smooth."

Quinn asked "How're Jane and Trent?"

Daria said "Mystik Explosion is considering a name change while Jane's husband is home for Thanksgiving for once. How are you, Quinn?"

Quinn said "I'm good. I hope you don't mind but I invited our neighbors, the Wangs, over. Ming and Timmy are helping me in the kitchen, Tommy's watching TV and playing with the dog, Teddy is outside playing with Ming and Chan's daughter, Michelle, while Jim and Chan are trying their best not to kill each other."

Daria, who knows that Jim and Chan can't stand each other, asked "How's that going?"

"I'll show you."

With that, Quinn and Daria head to the dinning room. Jim's setting the table while Chan is barking orders at him.

"Jim, you setting it wrong, stupid!"

Trying to keep his cool, Jim said "Maybe if you actually helped."

Chan said "Is no my house, I guest. Now, get me beer."

Jim said "They're in the fridge."

Chan said "You bad host. Now, fetch beer, monkey boy."

Jim angrily said "Get your own goddamn beer."

Chan barked "You no use that tone with me, peasant."

Jim said "Don't call me a peasant, you snob."

Chan, twisting Jim's words, said "Oh, so I snob because I Asian. You racist hillbilly."

Jim gets right in Chan's face.

"THAT'S IT, YOU SONOFA..."

"JIM!" Quinn barked.

Jim immediately backed off.

Chan said "He no fetch beer like good dog."

From the kitchen, Ming menacingly shouted "CHAN!"

Now, Chan backs off. At this point, Daria looks out the sliding glass door that leads to the back yard. She said "Quinn, you said Teddy and Michelle were out in the yard."

Quinn nodded.

Daria said "I didn't see them out front and I don't see them in the back yard either."

Tommy comes in.

"I saw them get their bikes earlier."

All adult jaws drop. Quinn said "Why didn't you say anything?"

Tommy said "I just thought they told you."

Chan gets right in Jim's face.

"My daughter run off with Teddy! Jim, that kid bad influence!"

Offended, Jim said "HEY, it's your siren of a daughter who led him astray!"

Chan said "MY LITTLE GIRL CORRUPTED BY YOUR PUNK KID!"

Jim fired back "MY BOY'S BEING MISLED BY YOUR LITTLE TEMPTRESS!"

Finally, Quinn channels her inner Helen.

"KNOCK IT OFF! BOTH OF YOU!"

Jim and Chan immediately back down. The door bell rings.

Quinn said "Jim, get that."

Jim answers the door. It's Kevin.

"Like, have you seen Kevin Jr.? I can't find him."

Tommy chimes in.

"Oh, I almost forgot. When I saw Teddy and Michelle leave Kevin Jr. was with them."

Kevin is visibly relieved. Chan, on the other hand...

"MY LITTLE GIRL WITH THAT BASTARD! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Kevin said "I didn't know Teddy was a bastard."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, on the eastern outskirts of Lawndale...**

There's a small park between the street and the woods. A boy who looks like a seven year old verson of Artie is flying a remote drone. His name is Andy. Teddy, Michelle and Kevin Jr. walk right by him.

"Hey, guys," Andy said in a voice just as shrill as Artie's, "wanna watch me fly my drone?"

Teddy and Michelle roll their eyes while Kevin Jr. said "Yeah, right. That's baby stuff."

Andy notices them heading towards the woods.

"Hey! The woods are dangerous!"

Kevin Jr. said "Only for wussies like you, Andy."

Andy said "You'll be sorry."

Teddy deadpanned "I'm already sorry...sorry you're talking to us."

Michelle laughed while Kevin Jr. said "Good one, Teddy."

With that, the three of them walk into the woods. Teddy said "I'M TELLING YO...OW!"

His drone crashes right into his head.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in another part of town...**

Jim, Chan and Kevin are walking down the street.

"TEDDY!" Jim called out.

Chan barked "MICHELLE, YOU IN SERIOUS TROUBLE!"

Kevin called out "JOUNIOR! LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU!?"

Chan spots an open bookstore.

"They go in there."

Jim said "I doubt that. Kevin Jr.'s with them."

Chan said "Kids go in bookstore to hide from idiot parents. Last place you morons look."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in yet another part of town...**

Quinn is driving her Cadillac while Ming rides in the passenger seat. Quinn is going out of her mind with worry.

"Where could they be!? What if they're hurt!? WHAT IF THEY WERE KIDNAPPED, OR HIT BY A CAR!? OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!"

Ming barked "CALM DOWN, QUINN! I sure they fine."

Quinn said "But what if they're not!?"

Ming said "You need learn to relax. You worry too much."

Quinn said "Well, you're a Buddhist. Being calm comes naturally to you."

Ming looks offended, which Quinn notices.

"Sorry, Ming. I'm just worried about those kids."

"You think I not! We do no one any good being nervous wrecks."

* * *

 **In the woods...**

Teddy, Michelle and Kevin Jr. are walking. The sun is starting to go down.

"Maybe we should head back." said Michelle.

Kevin Jr. whined "But I wanna explore some more."

Teddy said "She's right. We'll miss Thanksgiving dinner."

Seeing the point, Kevin Jr. said "Okay, let's go."

Teddy is about to turn in one direction when Michelle said "What are you doing, Teddy?" She points in the opposite direction. "We came from this way." She suddenly looks doubtful. "I think."

It's quickly getting dark. Kevin Jr. said "Don't worry."

He then whips out a flashlight. He starts to walk in a third direction.

"This is the way we came. Come on."

Teddy and Michelle follow Kevin Jr.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, back in town...**

Jim, Kevin and Chan are walking around trying to find their kids.

Jim said "Where the hell could they be? It's getting dark."

Chan said "Maybe they go home."

Jim said "I told Daria to call me on the cell if they did, so I don't think so."

Kevin said "You think they're at the arcade?"

Jim and Chan roll their eyes.

"What?", said Kevin, "Kids like the arcade."

Jim said "I don't think they're open on Thanksgiving."

At this point, they're approached by Andy and his father, Artie. Artie asked "Are you looking for your kids?"

Relieved, Jim said "Yeah. You've seen them?"

Artie said "My son saw them going into the woods east of town."

Andy said "I told them not to. I did the right thing."

Artie said "You hear that, Mr. Carbone. We have no legal responsibility."

After they leave, Kevin said "We gotta get there, before Metalmouth gets them!"

Puzzled, Chan asked "Metalmouth?"

Jim said "Long story."

* * *

 **The woods, an hour later...**

The sun has now completely gone down. The only light Teddy, Michelle and Kevin Jr. have is Kevin Jr.'s flashlight.

Teddy said "Are you sure this is the right way?"

Kevin Jr. said "Not anymore."

Gasping, Michelle said "You mean we're lost."

Kevin Jr. said "Yup."

Teddy looked at the sky.

"I'm trying to find the North Star, but it's still too early."

Michelle asked "What'll we do now?"

Kevin Jr. said "We can't split up. It's safer if we stay together."

Michelle is visibly impressed by Kevin Jr.'s common sense. Teddy sees this and suddenly looks jealous.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, just outside the woods...**

Jim, Kevin and Chan have found the kids bikes.

Jim said "These are their bikes, alright."

He shines a flashlight on the ground. He sees child sized footprints.

"The tracks lead this way."

Chan said "What we do?"

Jim said "Chan, come with me. Kevin, get our wives."

* * *

 **A half-hour later...**

Jim is following the tracks while Chan is following him.

"Well!?" Chan barked, "What take so long?"

Jim said "I'm trying not to lose the trail."

Chan said "While you play tracker who know what those boys do to my little girl. This your fault."

Jim barked "HEY! It's not my fault your daughter has her talons in my son."

Chan said "Your son bad influence. Michelle prefer him over Shane Sloane."

Jim said "That's because she's a kid. She doesn't care about money."

Chan barked "Neither do you, monkey boy."

Jim fired back "Dammit, Chan, what's wrong with my kids?"

Chan said "You no understand. I no get in good with Sloanes I no escape mediocre existence."

Jim said "Look, we can debate this later. For now, late just find those kids."

Jim looks around. He suddenly looks worried, which Chan notices.

"WHAT NOW!?"

Jim sheepishly said "I've lost the trail."

Chan gasps in horror.

* * *

 **The woods, nighttime...**

It's cold and windy. Teddy, Michelle and Kevin Jr. are huddled together for warmth. Their only source of light is Kevin Jr.'s flashlight. Michelle shivers.

"I'm still cold." she complained.

Teddy said "We're all cold."

Kevin Jr. takes off his jacket and offers it to Michelle.

"Here."

Michelle said "But what about you?"

Kevin Jr. said "I can take the cold. You need it more than I do."

Michelle takes the jacket.

"Thanks, Kevin. That was so sweet."

Kevin Jr. blushes while Teddy has a jealous look on his face.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in another part of the woods...**

Jim and Chan are just as lost as the kids are. Jim looks at his smart phone.

"Damn."

Chan asked "What?"

Jim said "I was gonna use Google Earth to figure out where we are, but we're in a dead zone. I've got no WiFi."

Chan said "So I lost in woods with you!? Just perfect."

Jim said "Relax, I'm sure the others are on their way."

Chan said "Just great. All hope of rescue depend on Kevin Thompson. I gonna die just like I live. Long, painful, boring death."

* * *

 **Back where the kids are...**

Kevin Jr. is shivering while Michelle smiles in gratitude. Teddy eyes them both with envy.

Michelle said "You didn't have to give me your jacket."

Kevin Jr. said "It's okay. I wanted to."

Michelle said "That's so sweet."

Teddy muttered "You could've asked me for a jacket."

Before either Michelle or Kevin Jr. can respond the flashlight goes out.

Kevin Jr. said "Crap, the battery died."

Michelle said "I'm scared!"

Fumbling in the dark, Teddy feels something in his jacket.

"What the..!?"

He pulls it out of his pocket.

"This feels like a glow stick."

Teddy clicks the stick and they once again have light. He's horrified by what he sees. Michelle and Kevin Jr. are holding each other tight. Kevin Jr. is even stroking Michelle's hair and she doesn't mind. Teddy looks and feels like he was just stabbed in the gut.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the town limit...**

The Carbones, the Wangs and the Thompsons are nervously waiting for either the kids, Jim and Chan, or both to emerge from the woods. Quinn is trying to contact Jim by cell phone but is having no luck.

"Damn. They must be in a dead zone."

Daryl is with the group because Brittany and Kevin had invited him for Thanksgiving. He'd insisted that he and Brittany do some cardio in the bedroom when he first arrived. Kevin, still completely unaware of Daryl and Brittany's affair, bought the excuse. Now, Daryl and Kevin stood by the edge of the woods looking for any sign of the lost kids and/or the lost fathers. Brittany approached them.

"Any luck?"

Kevin said "Nah, babe. I don't see them."

Brittany, clearly worried, said "Thay've been gone for hours. I just hope they aren't doing anything...inappropriate."

Daryl said "They're first graders, so I doubt it."

Kevin said "Even if they were old enough for that kind of stuff, there's no way that sex takes more than three minutes."

Daryl said "Well, yeah, if you only focus on your own needs."

Blushing with embarrassment, Brittany said "Would you like me to go to the cooler and get you a beer, babe?"

Kevin and Daryl, at the exact same time, said "Yes."

The two men now eye each other suspiciously while Brittany looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Thinking fast, Daryl nervously said "I'll come with you to...help...yes, help you get a beer...for Kevin."

With that, Brittany and Daryl walk to the cooler in a nervous hurry while Kevin looks thoughtful. It seems that he's finally figured out what's really going on between his wife and Daryl until...

"Dude, he knew I wanted a beer! Daryl's a mind reader!? Cool!"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the woods...**

Kevin Jr. and Michelle continue to hold each other tight while Teddy looks really distraught.

Teddy thought to himself _They like each other, I can tell. The thing is, I really like Michelle. I think I like her as more than just a friend. Dammit, I didn't think I'd have to deal with this crap before middle school._

* * *

 **In another part of the woods...**

Jim and Chan, just as lost as the kids, are walking.

"I no believe this," said Chan, "I actually get invited for Thanksgiving dinner and kids run off. I such jerk."

Jim said "No argument there."

It suddenly dawns on him what Chan's saying.

"You mean you've never been invited to a Thanksgiving dinner before!?"

Chan said "Why so surprised? I huge egomaniac, everyone know it. Why you think we move so many times? First, my big mouth get us deported from China. Then we come to America and my big mouth get us run out of every city we live in so far."

Jim asked "If you know you're such a huge jerk why do you keep acting like one?"

Chan said "Some people do things just because that way they are. I arrogant asshole. Is such big part of my personality I no can be any other way, no matter how hard I try."

Jim said "If it's any consolation, I'm no saint myself. I sometimes wonder what the hell Quinn sees in me."

Chan said "So do I."

Jim gives Chan a hostile look.

"Sorry, habit."

Jim smiled as he said "Touche."

Wanting to change the subject, Chan said "I really worried. My little girl alone with two boys. I really no want to think about what that Thompson boy doing to her. He bad news. That whole family like bad Tennesse Williams play."

Jim said "Don't worry. Yes, the Thompsons are a messed up family. What with Brittany's extramarital affair and Kevin Jr. bieng a bastard love child and all, but I've known that boy since he was born. He's a good kid."

Just then, something occurs to Jim.

"How come you aren't worried about Teddy doing something...adult?"

With a dismissive wave, Chan said "Until puberty he do no worse than hold her hand. Besides, I know your kids good kids."

Touched by the praise, and still getting used to Chan being nice, Jim said "Thanks."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, where the kids are stranded...**

Kevin Jr. and Michelle are still huddled up close. Teddy is deliberately sitting away from them. Concerned, Michelle said "Teddy, why don't you come sit with us?"

Teddy said "And ruin your fun?"

At this point, Kevin Jr. and Michelle notice how close they are to each other. They both scootch away from one another.

Taking a deep breath, Teddy said "Look, I won't stop you two. Let's change the subject. We're lost in the woods. If a wild animal comes here I'll distract it while you two run."

Wide eyed, Kevin Jr. said "But what if it kills you?"

Teddy said "Better me than you two."

Amazed, Michelle said "You'd do that for us!?"

Teddy said "Of course. You're my friends."

Kevin Jr. said "I didn't know you considered me a friend."

Teddy said "You're friends with my brothers, that makes you my friend by default."

Michelle said "Teddy, that's so sweet and kind and brave."

Just then, Kevin Jr. stood up.

"I hear voices."

Michelle listened.

"I hear voices, too."

Listening, Teddy said "It sounds like...my dad and Michelle's dad."

Michelle said "But it can't be. They're not arguing."

With that, the three kids follow the sound of the voices. Soon enough, they run right smack into Jim and Chan. Teddy runs up and hugs Jim while Michelle hugs Chan.

"Michelle, you safe!"

"Teddy, we were so worried!"

Now, Jim acknowledges Kevin Jr.

"Hey, Kevin Jr."

Kevin Jr. said "Hi, Mr. Carbone."

Chan said "Well, we find kids, but we still lost."

Realizing that they've been doing a lot of walking since the last time he checked, Jim pulls out his smartphone. He looks and smiles.

"I have a signal! Ok, Google."

Jim looks. His smile widens.

"We're less than a quarter mile from where we came in to the woods. This way."

Jim leads while the rest follow.

* * *

 **The edge of town, a short time later...**

Jim, Chan and the kids emerge from the woods. Everyone is happy to see them. Kevin and Brittany run up to Kevin Jr. and hug him.

Brittany said "Oh, We were so worried!"

Kevin said "Thank God you're alright."

Kevin Jr. said "Sorry I scared you, Mom and Dad."

Daryl said "I was worried about you, too."

Kevin Jr. said "Okay, Mr. Johnson."

Daryl eyes Kevin and Kevin Jr. with obvious sadness, but no one notices.

 _Someday...Someday I'll tell that boy that he's actually MY son._

Meanwhile, Quinn is hugging Teddy.

"I was so worried. Don't you ever take off like that again."

Teddy said "Mom, am I in trouble?"

Quinn said "No, I'm just glad you're safe. Let's get in the car and go home."

Jim said "Hold on. The kids rode their bikes here, they can ride them back."

Teddy said "Thanks, Dad."

Hearing this, Kevin said "It's alright with me."

Chan immediately grabbed Michelle.

"No bike ride for you! We find doctor, get you tetanus shot because you with grease monkey son and chocolate bastard."

With that, he drags Michelle off while Jim is visibly dismayed that Chan has gone right back to being an asshole.

* * *

 **Bealer Street, later...**

Teddy and Kevin Jr. are riding toward home while Quinn and Jim follow along in the car.

Teddy said "You know, I think Michelle likes you."

Kevin Jr. said "Of course she does. She's our friend."

Teddy said "No, I mean she 'like' likes you."

Shaking his head, Kevin Jr. said "Nah, you're the one she likes like that. She wants to be your girlfriend, I can tell."

Looking hopeful, Teddy said "You think so?"

Kevin Jr. said "As soon as you said you'd die for us she was yours."

Teddy said "We're only in first grade."

"So?"

"So aren't we a little young for that stuff?"

Kevin Jr. said "Nah, you and Michelle have a crush on each other. It's so obvious."

Teddy admitted "I'd rather just be friends now. Although, when we're older, I'd like to have Michelle for a girlfriend."

Kevin Jr. teased "Can I be at the wedding?"

Teddy deadpanned "Only if I can be at your funeral."

The two boys laugh.

 **End.**


	11. Ultra Love

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 11**

 **"Ultra Love"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Lawndale High School, day...**

Every twenty years Lawndale High has a Thompson as the star quarterback. In the late 1970's it began with Doug Thompson. In the late 90's it was his son, Kevin. Now, in 2018, it's Ultra Thompson. Ultra was walking the halls of Lawndale High in his varsity jacket and felt on top of the world. At age sixteen he was the spitting image of his own father at that age. Not only was Ultra the QB but his girlfriend, Lauren, was the head cheerleader. Another family tradition as Ultra's own mother, Brittany, had once been the head cheerleader just as his grandmother, Charlene, had been.

Ultra approached his locker. As hs got his stuff out he was approached by one of his teammates, Steve. Steve was a muscular running back with long blond hair and a surfer's tan.

"Yo, Ultra!" Steve said.

Ultra acknowledged his friend and teammate.

"Yo, Steve! What's up?"

Steve said "Did you hear? Sherri O'Mara's throwing a party this weekend. It's gonna be wild."

Ultra said "Awesome! I'm so there."

Steve asked "Are you invited?"

Ultra said "Duh, she's the most popular girl in school and I'm the QB. Of course I'm invited."

Steve said "Cool! See you there, dude."

After Steve left, Ultra was approached by a girl in a cheerleader outfit. This girl had auburn hair, a perfect face and a nice rack. Her name was Lauren D'Angelo. She was the head cheerleader and Ultra's girlfriend. Ultra asknowledged her with his usual gusto.

"Hey, babe! What's up?"

Not looking happy, Lauren said "Ultra, we need to talk."

Ultra said "About?"

Shocked, Lauren said "You mean you don't know!?"

Ultra said "Know what, babe?"

Now angry, Lauren said "Corina saw you making out with Lindsey Martinez!"

Ultra now looks like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Babe, it's not what you think!"

Lauren said "You were french kissing her behind the gym!"

Ultra said "No...um...she was...well...she was showing me her tongue stud. Yeah, that's it!"

Lauren angrily said "Don't you dare lie to me! What, you think I'm stupid?"

Ultra said "Babe, you don't need to be smart. You're hot and I'm the QB."

Lauren shouted "IT'S OVER!"

Ultra pleaded "But, babe..."

Lauren said "Save it! I'm breaking up with you!"

With that, she stormed off.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that afternoon...**

 **Music:** "No More Tears Left To Cry" by Ariana Grande

Jim is salting the sidewalk in front of his and Quinn's house. Kevin approaches. As usual, Kevin has a beer can in his hand and a lit cigarette in his mouth.

"Hey, Jim. What's going on?"

Jim said "Just laying some salt on the sidewalk."

Puzzled, Kevin asked "Why?"

Jim said "Because we just had a cold snap."

Clueless, Kevin asked "What's that got to do with salt?"

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "I'm trying to keep the walkways from icing over."

Amazed, Kevin said "Salt does that!? Cool!"

Jim asked "What's going on with you, Kevin?"

Kevin said "Daryl's over. Brittany wants me and the kids out of the house for the next two hours so they can work out in private."

Just then...

 **Brittany:** (VO, from her bedroom) "OH...DARYL...YES...YES...YESYESYESYES!"

Kevin said "That's the intense cardio you're hearing. Brit's always exhausted afterwards. I'm lucky to have a wife who's willing to torture herself to stay hot."

Jim shakes his head. It's not only obvious what's really going on but also that Kevin still suspects nothing. At this point, Ultra comes up.

Kevin said "Ultra, don't go in. Your mothers having a cardio session."

 **Daryl:** (VO, from house) "UGH...SO...HOT...THAT'S...IT...WORK...IT...GOOD..."

Ultra, who is just as clueless as his father, said "He's really working Mom this time. I can't believe she's still willing to torture herself to look good."

Jim struggles to contain his disbelief. Kevin notices that his son looks down.

"Like, what's wrong?"

Sighing, Ultra said "Lauren dumped me."

Kevin's eyes go wide.

"WHAT!? But you're the QB and she's the head cheerleader."

Jim said "So?"

Kevin said "So, it's, like, meant to be."

Jim said "Kevin, there are other girls besides the head cheerleader."

Kevin said "But the head cheerleaders always true to the QB. It's and exact science. Brittany was the head cheerleader and she's totally devoted to me. Always has been."

 **Brittany:** (VO, from house) "HARDER...GIVE IT TO ME HARDER...YES!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are at the kitchen table having dinner. Tommy is finishing the story about his day.

"...so after that Shane backed off. The other kids thought it was cool."

Jim, pretending to be interested, said "That's cool. Teddy, how was your day?"

Teddy said "Well, class was boring as hell and the only kid who talked to me at recess was Michelle. In other words, the usual."

Timmy said "I got yelled at for drawing a clown."

Concerned, Quinn asked "Why?"

Timmy said "Because I did it during math."

Jim muttered under his breath "That kid's not right."

Quinn said "What was that, honey?"

Not wanting an argument, Jim said "Nothing, babe."

Just then, the door bell rings. Jim gets up to answer the door. It's Ultra.

"Ultra! What brings you here?"

Ultra said "Hey, Mr. Carbone. Can I come in?"

Jim said "Sure."

With that, he lets Ultra in and leads him to the table. Quinn said "Hi, Ultra."

Smiling, Ultra said "Hey, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn said "Please, call me Quinn."

Ultra sits down and sighs. Quinn notices how upset he is.

"What's wrong?"

Ultra said "Lauren dumped me."

Sympathetic, Quinn said "Ultra, I'm so sorry. She seemed like a nice girl."

Sensing the direction this is going, Jim said to his sons "Boys, why don't you go upstairs and play some video games."

Taking the hint all three of them head upstairs. Ultra looks like he's about to cry.

Quinn said "I guess you're really bummed."

Not wanting to be privy to an emotional conversation Jim said "Why don't you talk to your parents about this?"

Ultra snorted "Please, they're beyond clueless."

Jim and Quinn exchanges knowing looks. Kevin and Brittany are clueless, after all.

Quinn said "I know. My first real crush rejected me when I asked him out. I cried for a whole day afterward."

Ultra said "But guys don't cry."

Jim said "That's right. If you need to cry, do it at home...alone...with no one around to see you like that."

Stunned by her husband's apparent lack of sympathy, Quinn said "Jim!"

Jim said "It's a lession I learned as a boy." His mood starts to darken. "Oh, Did I evey learn. Old Tony Carbone never missed an opportunity to rip into me if I cried. 'Man up, Jim.' 'Don't be a pussy, Jim.' 'IS DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL UPSET!? YOU GODDAMN PUSSY ASSED WASTE OF SEMEN, I'LL BEAT THAT WEAKNESS RIGHT OUT OF YOU, YOU MOTHERF..."

"JIM!"

This snaps him out of his Jake-like rant.

"Sorry!" He sheepishly said. "I guess I'm trying to say that it's okay to let it out as long as you don't make a scene. Besides, you're only in high school. Plenty of other women will come along. I didn't meet Quinn until I was well into my twenties."

Ultra said "But it still hurts."

Quinn said "I know, but it gets better. In the meantime, there's no shame in letting it out."

Jim said "But it's better to keep it in. Look at our neighbor, Miss Griffin. She went through the worst divorce this town's ever seen and you don't see her crying."

 **Meanwhile, at Sandi's house...**

Sandi is crying uncontrollably while staring at a picture of her ex-husband.

* * *

 **The master bedroom, later that night...**

Quinn and Jim are talking. Quinn said "Jim, that was some really bad advice you gave Ultra earlier."

Jim said "I'm sorry, but you know how uncomfortable I get when guys start emoting around me."

Quinn said "First break ups are hard."

Jim said "I wouldn't know. I got my soul mate on the first attempt."

Quinn blushes for a moment before turning serious again.

"Still, you've been rejected plenty of times."

Jim said "The first time wasn't so bad. Although..."

* * *

 **A high school in Long Island, 1999...**

An eighteen year old Jim is walking the halls. He looks like one of the popular kids, but looks in this case are decieving. His efforts to shed his old geek image have accomplished nothing. He walks up to a beautiful blond girl.

"Um...Jenny."

Jenny snidely said "What do you want, Jim?"

Jim asked "Do you have a date for prom?"

Scrunching her nose in disgust, Jenny said "Before you say anything else let me remind you what a loser you are."

Jim looks totally deflated.

Jenny continued "Just accept it, no one likes you. Maybe if you didn't used to be a fat, pimply dork. Face it, no girl will ever want a loser like you."

Jim said "But...but..."

Jenny condescendingly said "You're a geek. Dating you, even being nice to you, is social suicide."

Jenny walks away laughing while Jim looks both hurt and angry.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, present...**

Jim finishes telling Quinn the story.

"That was the final nail in my self esteem's coffin. I didn't even try again until I was almost finished with college."

He suddenly looks thoughtful.

"Now that I remember, I actually do get where Ultra's coming from."

Quinn is just happy to have gotten through to him. At the same time she also feels a sense of guilt.

 _I was just as cruel to people who really didn't deserve it._

* * *

 **Lawndale High, the next day...**

 **Music:** "Confident" by Demi Lovato

Ultra Thompson is strutting through the halls. He's looks like he's on top of the world.

 _So Lauren got mad at me for making out with another girl. So what? I can get her back. I'm still the QB._

Determined, he walks right up to Lauren. She's at her locker.

"Hey, babe!"

Unimpressed, Lauren said "Didn't I dump your two-timing ass yesterday?"

Ultra said "I know, and I want you to know there are no hard feelings. I'm sorry I was fooling around with Lindsey."

Calming down, Lauren said "Oh! In that case, apology accepted."

Ultra said "Thanks, babe. Wanna ditch class and make out?"

Offended, Lauren said "Excuse me!? Just because I accept your apology doesn't mean we're back together."

Ultra said "Come on, babe. You're the head cheerleader and I'm the QB."

Lauren said "So?"

Ultra said "So, we should be together. It's, like, density or something."

Lauren said "I don't have to be with you just because you're the quarterback. It's not like you're Tommy Sherman."

Ultra said "Come on, babe. Cheerleaders are supposed to date football players."

Lauren said "And I do date football players. Just not you."

Before Ultra can say anything his best friend, Steve, approaches.

"There a problem, Laura?"

Laura said to Steve "No, babe."

Puzzled, Ultra said "Babe!?"

Steve said "Sorry, bro, but she dumped you."

Lauren said "Steve's my boyfriend now."

With that, Lauren and Steve kiss passionately. Ultra looks like he wants to vomit.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, afternoon...**

Brittany is in the gym coaching a cheerleading practice. The girls all move in perfect unison as they chant.

"YOU KNOW WE CANT BE BEAT! WE'LL KNOCK THEM OFF THERE FEET! GOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!"

They finish by jumping and doing a mid air split in perfect unison. Brittany smiles proudly.

"Nice work, girls."

She looks at her watch.

"I think that's it for today. Hit the showers and I'll see you tomorrow."

As the cheerleaders start towards the locker room Brittany pulls Lauren aside.

"Lauren, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lauren knows what this is about. With a resigned sigh, she said "Yes, Mrs. Thompson."

Brittany said "I heard you and Ultra broke up. I also heard you're now gowing out with Steve Vanderlind."

Lauren said "Are you mad at me? I know that Ultra's your son."

Brittany said "No, I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Why did you dump Ultra, and why are you now going out with his best friend?"

Lauren said "Can you keep a secret?"

Brittany said "Of course. After all, my husband still doesn't know about.."

She was about to mention Daryl but immediately thought better of it.

"...that I...um...ran over our cat...yeah, that's it."

Lauren decides to stick to the subject of Ultra.

"I still love him. I dumped him because he was cheating on me."

Brittany said "He's Kevie's son alright. Kevie used to cheat on me all the time in high school. He grew out of it eventually."

Lauren asked "Did you?"

Looking guilty, Brittany said "Yes." Under her breath, she added "...sort of."

Lauren admitted "I'm only going out with Steve to make Ultra jealous. I figure after a week or so Ultra will have learned his lesson. Then I'll dump Steve and get back with Ultra."

Brittany is very impressed. After all, there was that time she got back at Kevin by going to a dance with Robert.

* * *

 **A parking lot in front of a place called Wack Job's Bar and Grille, evening...**

Jim, Quinn, Chuck, Stacy, Kevin, Brittany and all of their kids are going out to dinner. Sandi's also with them as both Quinn and Stacy feel she needs to get out more and insisted that they come. They choose Wack Job's because it's a popular teen hangout with a dance floor and the occassional live band. Quinn, Stacy and Brittany are huddled up away from the group.

Brittany said "Thanks for doing this."

Stacy said "No problem, Brit. It's a perfect way to take Ultra's mind off of things."

As they talk Chuck and Stacy's nine year old son, Chucky, walks by Ultra. With an expressionless face he looks at the teenager and speaks in his usual apathetic monotone.

"Your girlfriend dumped you."

Ultra looks ready to cry, which Stacy notices.

"Chucky," she scolded, "What did I tell you about saying hurtful truths?"

Chucky, still showing no emotion, said "Sorry."

The women resume their conversation.

"So," said Quinn, "Lauren's just trying to get back at Ultra for cheating on her."

Brittany nodded.

Quinn said "Maybe seeing Ultra with someone else will get her to see how stupid this is. So, the plan is we find a teenage girl who's Ultra's type and introduce them. This way, he gets over this and life can return to normal."

Brittany viciously said "That'll show Lauren. How dare she date my son's best friend just to get back at him."

Sandi said "Crafdy... _hic_...I mean Crafty."

The other women frown as they can smell the rum on Sandi's breath.

* * *

 **Inside, a short time later...**

Brittany is walking through the crowd with a determined look on her face. From her POV it looks like when one sees the world through the Terminator's eyes. One girl, a teenage brunette with large (and fake) boobs catches Brittany's eys. The words "target acquired" appear beneath the girl. Cut back to third person as Brittany walks up to her.

"Hi, I'm Brittany. You're hot."

It definitely came out wrong as the girl gives Brittany a weird look.

"Look, lady, I don't swing that way."

With that, the girl walks away. Brittany, unaware that she sounded like she was coming on to the girl, looks confused.

Meanwhile, Jim and Sandi are on the dance floor. He would've rather danced with Quinn, but she was busy finding a girl to fix Ultra up with. Sandi, who's obviously drunk, steps on Jim's foot. Hard.

"OW!"

"Suh... _urp_...Sorry."

Jim said "Sandi, you're drunk!"

Sandi said "No I'm nod... _hic_...not."

She accidentally steps on Jim's foot again. He gives her a 'yeah, right' look.

"Hokay... _urp_...mebbe jus a lil."

Jim now REALLY wishes he was somewhere else.

"Ya know, I'd never do dat ta yas."

Jim asked "Do what?"

Sandi said "Dade anudder guy jus ta made u je... _hic_...jea... _urp_...jealous. I like yas."

Jim now feels really awkward.

 **Meanwhile, at the bar...**

Quinn is having a soda when a beautiful teenage red head comes up to the bar and orders a drink.

"I'll have a lime soda."

Quinn notices the girl is wearing a T-shirt that says Oakwood Taproots on it.

"Excuse me, do you go to Oakwood High?"

The girl said "Yeah, I'm the head cheerleader."

Quinn thought _Perfect. What better way to stick it to Lauren than by dating a cheerleader from a rival school._

The girl, meanwhile, suddenly recognizes Quinn.

"Ohmygod! You're the Smores 'n' Pores girl!"

Quinn said "Guilty as charged."

Now starstruck, the girl said "My name's Angela. Angela Chastain."

Shaking Angela's hand, Quinn said "Quinn Carbone, but I guess you already knew that."

Angela asked "What brings you here?"

Quinn said "My neighbor's son. He just got dumped. He's around your age. Would you like to meet him?"

Smiling, Angela said "Sure."

At this point, Jim comes up to the bar. He does not look happy as he now has a gross stain of greenish brown sludge on his shirt that reeks of Captain Morgan.

"Jim, what happened?"

Jim said "Sandi's totally wasted. She just tried to kiss me but puked on me instead."

Quinn looks at the dance floor. Sandi is drunkenly throwing herself at every person who comes within range.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, a few days later...**

 **Music:** "24 Karat Magic" by Bruno Mars

Ultra is strutting through the halls of Lawndale high. He visibly feels like he's on top of the world. He sees Lauren walking arm in arm with Steve. Ultra walks right up to the couple.

"Hey," he said.

Steve said "Ultra, she's my girlfriend now."

Ultra dismissively said "I know that, bro. I just wanted you two to know there are no hard feelings."

Lauren's jaw drops.

"How can you say that!? I dumped you for your best friend."

Ultra said "I decided to move on, just like you."

Lauren's eyes flash with jealousy. Ultra savors the moment.

"That's right," he said, "I have a new girlfriend."

Steve pats Ultra on the shoulder.

"Congratulations, dude."

Lauren said "But...but..."

In a condescending tone, Ultra said "What we had was nice but now I've moved on to someone better. Later."

With that, Ultra left. Lauren looks absolutely devastated. Steve puts an arm around her.

"I'm glad he's over you, babe.," he said, "Now we can all be friends again."

Pulling away, Lauren angrily said "I'm not your babe."

Stunned, Steve said "But...but..."

Lauren said "Steve, I want Ultra back."

Steve said "But you said..."

Lauren said "I was just trying to make Ultra jealous."

Steve now looks upset.

"You...you used me."

Lauren said "Yes, and now it's over. GET LOST!"

With that, she runs away crying.

* * *

 **Thompson house, evening...**

Quinn is walking Stripe when she sees Brittany on the porch. She walks up to say hi.

"Hey, Brittany."

Brittany said "Hi, Quinn."

Quinn asked "How's Ultra?"

Before Brittany can answer a white Corvette pulls up to the curb. The driver steps out. It's Lauren.

"Is Ultra here?"

Brittany said "For your information, he's on a date with his new girlfriend."

Lauren looks devastated.

"I...I broke up with Steve. I was hoping to get back with Ultra."

Brittany coldly said "You should've thought about that before dating his best friend."

Lauren said "I told you I was just doing that to make Ultra jealous."

Quinn said "You know, Brittany, Ultra and Angela have only been on two dates. Maybe we should let Lauren try to make up with him."

Brittany said "He's not dating Angela."

Quinn's jaw dropped.

"WHAT!? Then who's his new girlfriend?"

Brittany said "I don't know. Ultra's bringing her here after the date so we can meet her."

Just then, a used white 1991 Trans Am pulls into the Thompsons driveway.

Brittany said "Here they are now."

Ultra comes out of the car. He immediately sees Lauren.

"Lauren!? What are you doing here?"

Lauren said "I broke up with Steve. I want you back, babe."

Ultra said "Sorry, but I've found someone else."

Lauren said "But we have so much history. We even lost our virginity to each other."

Quinn and Brittany both cringe at Lauren's admission that she and Ultra have been sexually active.

Ultra said "It's too late, Lauren. Let me introduce you all to my new girlfriend."

He opens the passenger door of his Trans Am. Out steps someone very familiar.

"Heyyy...Quiiinnn...III...didnn't...know...youu...kneww...Ullltraaa."

Yes, it's...

"TIFFANY!?" exclaimed Quinn.

Yes, it's Tiffany Blum-Deckler. Brittany and Lauren are both stunned speechless.

Tiffany said "Ullltraaa...kissss...meeee."

Ultra said "You got it, babe."

Ultra and Tiffany kiss passionately. He even grabs her ass for good measure. Quinn, Brittany and Lauren all react the same way.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

 **Thompson house, evening...**

Sixteen year old Ultra Thompson is making out in the driveway with Tiffany Blum-Deckler, his thirty-six year old girlfriend. This is occuring in front of Quinn, his mother Brittany and his sixteen year old ex, Lauren. Weird doesn't even begin to cover this situation.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY SON, YOU...YOU...PEOPLEFILE!" Brittany shouted, obviously meaning to say 'pedophile', not 'peoplefile'. Ultra and Tiffany stop making out.

Quinn said "Tiffany, what the hell!?"

Tiffany said "Whaaaaat?"

Brittany said "Ultra, you're only sixteen!"

Ultra said "But Tiffany's hot."

Quinn said "Tiffany, you're old enough to be his mother."

Worried, Tiffany said "You...thinnnk...III...loooook...oooldd!?"

Quinn rolls her eyes. Of course Tiffany's too dense to get it. At this point Kevin, having heard all of the commotion, comes out of the house.

"Like, what's going on here?"

Brittany angrily said "Our son, our underage son, is dating Tiffany Blum-Deckler."

Visibly impressed, Kevin said "Ultra's dating a MILF!? Awessome!"

Tiffany asked "Whaat's...aaa...MIILFFFFF?"

Quinn and Brittany both let out exasperated sighs. Lauren gets right in Ultra's face.

"How could you do this to me!?" she asked almost hysterically.

Ultra said "You dumped me."

Lauren said "You were making out with another girl. I was only dating Steve to get back at you for cheating on me."

Ultra said "Well, now I've got a hot older woman."

Brittany said "Ultra, I forbid you to date Tiffany."

Ultra said "Mom, I'm sixteen."

Brittany said "This is just wrong. You're still a...What's that thing where the law says you're still a kid?"

Quinn said "A minor."

Ultra said "Tiffany's hot."

Quinn said "She's thirty six."

Brittany said "Yeah. This is salutory rape."

Quinn said "That's statutory, and only if they have sex. Also, the age of consent is sixteen in this state. But still?"

Ultra said "Come on, Tiff. Let's go."

Tiffany said "Ooookaaayyy."

With that, they get in Ultra's car and drive off. With tears in her eyes, Lauren runs toward her car. Quinn grabs her.

"LET ME GO!"

Quinn said "Look, you're too upset to drive right now. Why don't you come in to my house and calm down?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn and Lauren are at the kitchen table talking about the current situation.

"Why?" Lauren sobbed, "Why is...sniff...this...choke...happening?"

Quinn said "It'll be okay, Lauren."

Lauren shouted "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!? First, he cheated on me with Lindsey Martinez. Now, he's dating an older woman."

Quinn said "Are you sure you two can't work this out?"

Lauren said "I want to, but how?"

Quinn said "I've known Tiffany since my own freshman year. I think I can get her to dump Ultra. Then, you two can work things out."

Lauren said "You know, before all of this my life was perfect. I was the head cheerleader, I was dating the quarterback and I was one of the most popular girls in school. Now everythings out of control."

Quinn said "That's life. Nothing's ever under control. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function."

Lauren said "Why is this all happening to me?"

Quinn said "Because this kind of stuff happens to everyone. I know. I also know it'll get better. I don't know how, but it will. These things often work themselves out in the end."

Lauren said "B...But what if they don't?"

Quinn said "You may have lost Ultra, though that's not guaranteed just yet, but you still have everything else. You're still the head cheerleader. You're still attractive and popular. If you can't get Ultra back you still have a lot of good things going for you."

Lauren smiles.

"Thanks, Mrs. Carbone."

* * *

 **All Mart, the next day...**

Tiffany is working at the jewelry counter. She's doing her makeup and using the glass case as a mirror.

"Thiis...glaaass...is...soooo...refleeektivvve."

Quinn immediately walks up to the counter. She looks determined.

"Tiffany, we need to talk."

Tiffany looked up.

"Heyyy...Quinnn."

Quinn said "Tiffany, why are you dating Ultra Thompson?"

Tiffany said "Heee...waas...inn...the...stoore...aand...aasked...meee...ouuut."

Quinn said "And you said yes?"

Tiffany said "Heee's...cuute."

Quinn said "He's sixteen."

Tiffany looks confused. Quinn tries to explain.

"You're thirty six."

Tiffany still looks confused. Quinn tries again.

"He's underage."

"Whaat?"

Quinn said "Remember that creepy sub, during the teacher strike?"

"Whooo?"

Quinn shakes her head.

"Tiffany, he's twenty years younger than you."

"Whaaat?"

Quinn said "He still lives with his parents."

"Whaaat?"

Quinn said "Look, just don't date him anymore."

"Whooo?"

Losing her patience, Quinn said "Ultra!"

Suddenly, a very handsome guy walks up to the counter.

"Hey, Tiffany."

Tiffany said "Youuu...knoow...myy...naaame?"

The guy said "Of course. I'm a regular customer."

Tiffany said "Caaan...I...heelp...youuu?"

The guy, who appears to be in his thirties, said "Actually, I was wondering if I could take you out sometime."

Tiffany said "Suure."

She gives him her address. He said "How does tomorrow night at seven sound?"

"Suuure."

"Great! I'll see you then."

As he leaves Tiffany said "Hee's...cuute."

Quinn asked "What about Ultra?"

Tiffany asked "Whooo?"

Quinn breathes a huge sigh of relief.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, two days later...**

Lauren is getting her stuff out of her locker. She looks sad as she sees a picture of her and Ultra hugging and smiling.

 _I really should take this down._

She closes her locker and sees Ultra actually standing there.

"Hey, Lauren. Can we talk?"

Lauren said "Sure."

Ultra said "Tiffany ditched me for some other guy."

Lauren, trying to sound sincere, said "I'm sorry."

Ultra said "I'm not. I was thinking of dumping her anyway."

Suddenly hopeful, Lauren said "Really!?"

Ultra said "Yeah. I mean, yeah, she was hot but my parents pointed out that by the time I'm in the NFL she's gonna be all old and crusty. Kinda freaked me out."

Lauren said "I shouldn't have dumped you for Steve. I was just mad at you for making out with Lindsey."

Ultra said "I'm really sorry about that. I...Well, I want you back. You're, like, the best thing that ever happened to me."

Lauren said "I love you, Ultra."

Ultra said "I love you too, babe."

With that, they kissed. When the kiss ends Lauren said "Let's never fight again."

* * *

 **Thompson house, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are on the porch talking with Kevin. Kevin said "So, like, now Ultra and Lauren are back together."

Quinn said "Thank God."

Jim said "Yeah. A sixteen year old dating a thirty six year old is just to weird even for me."

Just then, Ultra comes out of the house.

Kevin said "What's up, Ultra?"

Ultra said "I've got a date with Lauren tonight."

Just then, Lauren pulls up in her car. Ultra runs toward the passenger side door.

"Catch ya later." he said.

Kevin said "Have fun, you two."

Jim added "But not too mutch fun."

Inside the car, Ultra and Lauren kiss before heading off.

Kevin said "I'm glad they're back together. I mean, it was kinda cool that he got an older woman to date him, but Brit's right. He's too young for Tiffany."

Quinn said "Glad you finally saw the light of reason."

Kevin said "Yeah. I'll, like, never stand for that kind of funny business in my house."

As if on cue, Daryl can be seen sneaking out a window. Kevin, of course, doesn't notice.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Quinn and Jim hire an assistant who has a dirty secret in her past.


	12. Pimpin' Ain't EZ (But It Sure Does Suck)

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 12**

 **"Pimpin' Ain't Easy (But It Sure Does Suck)"**

 **written by WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim and Quinn are seated at the kitchen table while a beautiful young brunette sits across from them. She's hoping to be hired as their new assistant.

"Tell me," said Quinn, "Have you ever done any office work bafore."

The young brunette said "No, at least not in a formal work setting. I've mostly worked on my bills at home."

Smiling, Quinn said "Well, this isn't all that different, Gizelle. We're very informal around here. As long as you can crunch numbers and handle phone calls you'll be fine. You aren't camera shy, are you?"

Before Gizelle can answer Jim said "Since her resume includes dancing on stage I'd have to go with no."

Giselle said "Why do you ask?"

Quinn said "As our assistant, you may have to appear in our videos from time to time. How are your cooking skills?"

Giselle said "Good enough for me, but I'm a fast learner. I don't know anything about cars, though."

Jim said "That's okay. If I put you in one of my videos it'll mostly be to show you and the viewers how something is done."

Quinn said "Mostly, what you'll be doing is answering calls and emails. You'll also be handling our accounting books."

Giselle said "Perfect. I'm real good with money and numbers."

Jim and Quinn smiles at each other before Quinn extends her hand to Giselle.

"Congratulations, Giselle, you've got the job."

Giselle smiles.

* * *

 **Lawndale Mall, a few weeks later...**

Quinn, Sandi and Stacy are at Cashmans having a girls afternoon out. Quinn can't stop talking about how great her new assistant is.

"I can't believe how much free time Jim and I have now that we have Giselle to do all the office work. She's great."

Stacy said "She sounds wonderful, Quinn. I wish I could hire my own assistant instead of having to potty train a new intern every three months."

Sandi, who's bisexual and lonely, asked "Is she available?"

Quinn said "Sorry, I don't think she's into girls. Even if she was, she seems to have a dating pattern similar to what we did in high school. You know, string them along for attention while never going steady. She dates a different guy almost every night."

Sandi said "You say that like it's a bad thing. Maybe she's just very picky."

Quinn said "Well, she's only twenty four and she's attractive."

At this point, Stacy notices the new bracelet on Quinn's wrist. Her eyes go wide.

"Quinn, is that...?"

Holding up the bracelet, Quinn said "A Cartiet 24 karat gold charm bracelet. One of Giselle's dates was desperate enough to bribe her with it. She gave it to me as a thank you."

Stacy said "Wow! That's really generous of her."

Quinn said "She's like a gift that keeps on giving. She handles our books so well it seems like Jim and I are making more money by doing less work."

Smiling, Sandi said "You're sooo lucky, Quinn."

Stacy looks worried. She can't put her finger on it, but something about what Quinn's telling her feels off.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Giselle is in the office doing some paperwork when the door opens. Jim enters wearing his work clothes.

"How's it going, Giselle?"

Giselle said "Just crunching some numbers, Mr. Carbone."

Jim said "Please, call me Jim."

Giselle said "Wanna see your latest account statement?"

She hands a bank statement to Jim. His eyes go wide when he sees the number.

"My God! We've never made this much in a single month!"

Smiling, Giselle said "What can I say? With me doing the office work you and Quinn must've increased your uploads."

Not thinking to look at the transaction history, Jim hands the statement back to Giselle.

"You're a life saver."

At this point, Quinn enters.

"What's going on? Jim, are you flirting with the help?"

With a chuckle, Jim said "Giselle just showed me our latest bank statement. We just had the best month of our careers."

Not thinking to look at the statement, Quinn said "Wow! That's great, Giselle."

Giselle said "Don't mention it. By the way, Jim, I have something for you."

Giselle reaches into her purse and gives Jim a small jewelry box. Jim opens it and removes the contents, a solid gold rolex.

"Is this?"

Giselle said "A 24 karat rolex."

Quinn asked "How can you afford something like that?"

With a sly grin, Giselle said "It didn't cost me anything. I got it the same way I got your charm bracelet, Quinn."

Quinn said "You mean...?"

Giselle said "Yep, a date gave it to me as payment...I mean a present."

Giselle is visibly relieved that neither Jim nor Quinn notice her slip of the tongue.

Jim said "This is a men's watch."

Thinking fast, Giselle said "That's why I don't want it."

Quinn said "You're not going out with him again, are you? He obviously has poor fashion sense. I mean he gave you a men's watch."

Giselle, sounding defensive, said "I don't ask for presents. They just seem to think they'll have a better chance with me if they give me gifts."

Quinn said "I know what you mean. Guys were giving me expensive presents all the time in high school."

Giselle smiles.

 _Good. They don't need to know what my dates really are._

No one thinks to look at the bank statement, which shows a lot of cash deposits into Quinn and Jim's account made by Giselle.

* * *

 **Pizza King, a few days later...**

Quinn and Giselle are having lunch with Stacy. Quinn said "Glad you could come along, Giselle?"

Noting her surroundings, Giselle said "A lot of people here look like their either in high school or college."

Stacy said "It's a popular teen hangout. We've been coming here since we were in high school."

Giselle said "I see. So you like to come here for the nostalgia?"

Quinn said "Exactly. It takes us back to a simpler time in our lives."

Giselle said "By the way, I didn't know your friend here was Stacy Ruttheimer from WSBC."

Stacy said "Yep. I'm a solid journalist."

Quinn said "You always had an attention to detail, Stacy. Remember those meticulous notes you used to take during Fashion Club meetings?"

Curious, Giselle said "Fashion Club?"

Stacy explained "In high school we were both in the Fashion Club."

Giselle said "Your high school actually had a club dedicated to fashion?"

Nodding, Quinn said "Stacy was the club secretary and I was the vice president."

Changing the subject, Stacy asked "So, where are you from Giselle?"

Giselle said "Cincinnatti."

Stacy seems very focused on what Giselle is saying as she asks "Originally?"

Looking a little nervous, Giselle said "No. I...I mean we moved there when I was fourteen. I'm originally from...someplace."

Quinn said "I moved here when I was fourteen too. I'm originally from Texas. A run down town called Highland. We really do have a lot in common."

Giselle said "Except I moved here recently. How long have you lived here?"

Quinn said "Since I was fourteen, not counting my college years in New York."

Giselle asked "Why'd you come back?"

Quinn said "Long story. Right after college my father had a heart attack and I came back to help take care of him."

Giselle said "Better than my reason for coming ba...I mean here. I was just sick of my old p...boss."

Quinn is too charmed by Giselle to notice anything off. Stacy, on the other hand, is getting more suspicious by the second. Whipping out her smart phone, she said "Can I take a picture of you two together?"

Quinn said "It's alright with me."

Giselle said "Why not?"

Giselle and Quinn huddle up and smile while Stacy takes the picture.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, evening...**

Stacy is in the office at her computer when Chuck comes in.

"Working late, my lovely?"

Stacy said "Actually, I'm a little curious about Quinn and Jim's new assistant, Giselle."

Sitting down next to his wife, Chuck asked "What's the problem?"

Stacy said "Something about her seems...off. As a reporter I've developed a keen nose for these kinds of things. When I had lunch with Quinn today Giselle was with us. Something about her seems familiar, but I can't place it. I took a picture of her and now I'm using facial recognition to see if there's anything about her that's off?"

Chuck asked "Such as?"

Stacy said "A criminal record or any outstanding arrest warrents."

Just then, the computer finds something.

"Looks like I have some hits."

She clicks on the first match. It's a story in the Lawndale Herald about a missing teenager from 2009.

Stacy read aloud "Fifteen year old Giselle Fenwick has been missing since Friday. New details have emerged in the case. Anonnymous sources claim the girl was being molested by her father. Police now believe this to be a case of a juvenile running away to escape an abusive home life."

Chuck said "That's horrible."

Stacy said "I actually remember covering this for WSBC. That's where I recognized her from."

Chuck asked "Do you know what happened after that?"

Stacy said "The trail went cold and it wasn't long before we all moved on to something more current."

Chuck said "You think it's the same Giselle?"

Looking at a picture of the fourteen year old Giselle, Stacy said "The resemblence is very close. But this is a ten year old story. It could easily be a coincidence."

With that, Stacy clicks on the next match. It's a law enforcement web site.

Chuck said "Cincinnatti Police Department?"

Stacy said "Giselle's from Cincinnatti."

Soon, she finds what she's looking for. It a mug shot of Giselle.

"According to this she was arrested six months ago for..."

Her eyes suddenly go wide.

"Oh...my...GOD!"

An equally stunned Chuck said "Whoa!"

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the abandoned quarry...**

Steve Taylor is parked in his Ferarri. Giselle is in the passenger seat. She's wearing a black mini skirt so small that one can easily see her panties and a red tube top so tight that it's a miracle her boobs don't pop out.

Steve said "Well, here we are."

Giselle said "You know the deal."

Steve hands Giselle a wad of money that she immediately puts in her purse.

Giselle said "Now, let me take care of you...sexy."

She reaches down and undoes Steve's pants.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, evening...**

Stacy and Chuck are in total shock. Stacy has just run a full background check on Quinn and Jim's new assistant, Giselle. They're both stunned by what they've found out.

"OHMYGOD!" Stacy exclaimed. "It says she was arrested for prostitution in Cincinnatti six months ago!"

Chuck said "Jim and Quinn hired a hooker to be their assistant!"

At this point, Stacy remembers something...

 _At this point, Stacy notices the new bracelet on Quinn's wrist. Her eyes go wide._

 _"Quinn, is that...?"_

 _Holding up the bracelet, Quinn said "A Cartiet 24 karat gold charm bracelet. One of Giselle's dates was desperate enough to bribe her with it. She gave it to me as a thank you."_

 _Stacy said "Wow! That's really generous of her."_

 _Quinn said "She's like a gift that keeps on giving. She handles our books so well it seems like Jim and I are making more money by doing less work."_

Remembering this, Stacy said "The charm bracelet. It must've been how one of Giselle's customers made payment."

At this point, Chuck remembered "Jim has a new watch, a solid gold rolex. He said Giselle gave it to him after one of her dates gave it to her."

At this point, they draw the same conclusion.

"THEY'RE PIMPING GISELLE!"

* * *

 **The Thompson house, two evenings later...**

Jim, Mack and Kevin are sitting on the porch drinking beer. Kevin, as usual, is also chain smoking. Jim notices that Chuck isn't there.

"Where's Chuck?"

Both Mack and Kevin are now visibly nervous. Mack said "Um...well..."

Kevin said "He...he had something to do."

Jim said "That's odd. Quinn told me Stacy's been avoiding her the last couple of days."

Mack, trying not to sound to creeped out, said "I'm sure everythings fine."

Sweating, Kevin said "Um...yeah...It's not like he found out you're a pim-uphf!"

Mack elbowed Kevin before he could get out the whole word pimp. Jim now suspects something.

"Okay, guys. First, Chuck starts avoiding me while Stacy's avoiding Quinn. Now you guys are both acting really weird. What's going on?"

Kevin said "I SWEAR WE WON'T RAT YOU OUT!"

Mack elbows Kevin again.

Jim said "Rat me out!? For what?"

Mack nervously said "Nothing...forget it...just a joke."

Now Jim knows Chuck told them something that freaked them both out. Before he can press them, however, a car pulls up to Casa Carbone. They hear yelling.

 **Giselle:** (VO, from car) "JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY, ASSHOLE!"

 **Male voice:** "NOT A CHANCE, YOU F#%$ING WHORE!"

Giselle storms out of the car. She's wearing a mink coat over a VERY skimpy dress, high heels and fishnet stockings. As she walks away she sees Jim. She runs to him in tears.

"Giselle! What's wrong?"

Giselle said "That jerk in the car owes me five hundred bucks for..." she thinks fast, "...a..um...a bet."

Jim, seeing how upset she is and still not suspecting anything else, said "Wait here. I'll talk to him."

Jim walks up to the car. The driver is a man in his fifties with a receding hair line and a beer gut.

"Excuse me."

The man in the car said "What do you want?"

Jim said "Giselle told me you owe her money."

The man said "So? Who are you?"

Jim said "Her boss."

The man suddenly freezes with fear.

"Please...don't hurt me."

Puzzled, Jim said "Hurt you!? I was just gonna reason with you."

Taking a thousand out of his wallet, the man said "Here's the money, plus a little extra. I...It was all...just...a misunderstanding...yeah, a misunderstanding."

The man shoves the money into Jim's hands and drives off in an uncomfortable hurry. Jim is very puzzled by this.

"He was acting like I was about to either kill him or throw him a beating that'd put him in the ER."

Giselle runs up to Jim and hugs him.

"OH, Thank you!"

Handing her five hundreds, Jim said "Here's the money he owed you. Why he gave me double is beyond me."

Giselle gives Jim three of the hundreds.

"Here."

Stunned, Jim said "That's more than half of your money."

Giselle said "You helped me get it. That makes it your money."

Puzzled, Jim said "Okay."

Kevin and Mack are now visibly terrified of Jim.

* * *

 **Dega Street, the next day...**

Giselle is in the fitting room of a small clothing store. She's clearly waiting on someone. Quinn emerges from one of the dressing stalls. She's wearing a transparent red mesh mini dress over skimpy lingerie. Giselle said "You look hot in that. You should get it."

Looking at herself in the mirror, Quinn said "I look like a hooker."

Giselle said "Nonsense. You look sexy. One look at you in that outfit and Jim won't be able to keep his hands off of you."

Quinn said "I don't know. I know some girls like the hooker chic look, but it's not really for me."

Giselle said "You don't have to wear it in public, but your husband might like seeing you in it sometime."

Quinn once again checks herself out in the mirror.

 _I look and feel naked in this thing. Still, I'm hot. I could definitely excite Jim in this. It also might be fun to wear to a costume party._

Smiling, Quinn said "I'll take it."

Giselle said "That's the spirit, girl. What's your secret, anyway?"

Quinn asked "What secret?"

Giselle answered "To having such a hot body after giving birth to triplets."

Smiling proudly, Quinn said "Lot's of excercise. I work hard to keep my figure."

Giselle said "You should show it off. If nothing else, it'll remind Jim what a sexy wife he has."

Her ego overriding her misgivings, Quinn said "Can we find some more like this?"

Giselle said "Of course."

Quinn is too charmed to wonder just how Giselle can afford to be so generous or why her fashion sense is geared toward outfits that are downright slutty.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Jim is coming down a ladder after hanging Christmas lights over the garage. Once he's down a car pulls into the driveway. This car is a fully restored 1975 Cadillac Sedan DeVille with a sparkling gold paint job and black top roof. The driver side door opens and a man steps out.

The man coming out of the car is a skinny black man who looks like something out of a 70's blaxploitation flick. He's wearing a purple silk shirt unbuttoned low enough to show chest hair. His pants are cream white polyester bell bottoms. His shoes are purple platform shoes with diamond studded soles. Over this outfit is a white fur coat. His hairstyle is a mini afro and he has a neatly trimmed mustache and goatee. He's wearing a purple fedora hat with a huge peacock feather sticking out of the brim. This man is also wearing gaudy rings on both his hands and a gold chain necklace with a male symbol medallion. The look is topped off by his carrying a diamond top cane just for show.

Puzzled, Jim asked "Can I help you?"

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name be Sweet Daddy Jones, the Mack-Dad-day of Cin-cinn-at-ay. I believe you have something that belongs to me."

Trying not to laugh, Jim said "If your fashion sense is anything to go by I seriously doubt you have anything that I'd want."

Sweet Daddy said "I beg to differ, G. You have...my 'ho'."

"Your what?"

Sweet Daddy said "My 'ho', Giselle. I'm her manager."

Jim looks at Sweet Daddy with bewilderment.

"The only Giselle I know is an office assistant."

Sweet Daddy said "Allow me to make myself clear, playa. I'm her pimp."

Jim said "I think you've got the wrong place."

Losing his patience, Sweet Daddy said "Man, you trippin'. Don't play dumb wit' me, fool. You been turnin' her out all over town. Hot brunette, 'bout twen'y fo'."

Jim immediately realizes what's going on.

"OH...MY...GOD!"

Sweet Daddy said "That's right, whitey. You been pimpin' my 'ho'."

Jim nervously said "Look, I..."

"Save it, fool. She be my bitch, an' I don't like another pimp poachin' my bitches. Feel me?"

Jim said "I don't freaking believe this."

Sweet Daddy said "Believe it, playa. You been pimpin' her all over town. Pretty sweet gig you got goin'. Now, I should bust a cap in yo' guinea ass, but I'm feelin' generous today. Here's how it goes down, man. Either you return my bitch, or I'm'a make YOU my bitch, feel me. You got twen'y fo' hours, fool."

Jim said "If she doesn't wanna go back?"

Sweet Daddy said "Then I gon' round up my possie an' cap all y'all motherfuckers."

With that, Sweet Daddy gets back in his car and drives off. Jim can now think of only one thing to say.

"Son-of-a-bitch!"

* * *

 **A short time later...**

Quinn's car pulls into the driveway of Casa Carbone. Quinn emerges in the same mesh outfit she had on at the boutique, over which she's wearing a mink coat. A similarly dressed Giselle emerges from the passenger side.

Quinn said "I can't believe I let you talk me into wearing it out. Even with the fur coat I'm freezing."

Giselle said "Don't worry. Jim'll love it."

Quinn asked "Why are you dressed like a hooker?"

Nervous, Giselle said "Um...Just for fun."

Quinn opens the front door and is immediately greeted by a very irate Jim.

"Quinn, we need to...What the hell are you wearing?"

Quinn said "Giselle bought it for me. She said it'd turn you on."

Jim said "Is she here?"

Giselle walks up to them.

Jim barked "Both of you, inside, NOW!"

The two women hurry inside and Jim closes the door behind them. He then turns to face his wife and their office assistant.

"I just had an interesting visit. A guy calling himself Sweet Daddy Jones."

Quinn looks puzzled while Giselle gulps with dread.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Quinn, Jim and Giselle are sitting in the living room discussing the situation. Giselle looks like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Quinn," said Jim, "Giselle's a prostitute. I just got a visit from her pimp, a refugee from a 70's blaxploitation flick calling himself Sweet Daddy Jones."

Quinn's reaction is what one would expect.

"WHAT!?"

She angrily turns toward Giselle.

"Is this true?"

Hanging her head in shame, Giselle said "It's true."

Quinn quickly pieces everything together.

"Ohmygod! This explains everything, the gifts, the skanky outfits, the sudden uptick in money in our bank account. God, I should've known."

Jim said "I'm just as blindsided by this as you. Giselle, you've been giving us proceeds from your...illicit activities."

Giselle nodded and looks like she's about to cry.

Quinn said "So first you get us to hire you under false pretenses, then you make us accessories to prostitution."

Jim said "Was this all just some kind of scam?"

Giselle said "No, I swear!"

Jim angrily said "As if making my wife and I accessories wasn't enough now your pimp is threatening to kill us all. What's the endgame? You and Sweet Daddy take our money and run."

Almost in tears, Giselle pleaded "It wasn't like that, I swear to God!"

In an accusing tone, Quinn asked "Then what was it like?"

With a sigh, Giselle said "You want the truth?"

Quinn hissed "You're goddamn right we want the truth!"

Giselle said "I'm originally from Lawndale. My Mom died when I was just a baby and my Dad liked to touch me...sexually. When I was fourteen he went from just touching and started raping me. I...I was desperate and scared, so I ran away from home. I made it as far as Cincinnatti before my money was all gone. I was homeless in a strange city, then I met Sweet Daddy. He seemed so nice in the beginning, taking care of me, buying me things. Then he insisted I pay him back. Told me to start having sex for money. I became one of his whores."

Jim said "I've heard of this sort of thing. Pimps call it 'breaking a bitch', making you completely dependent on them."

Giselle said "When I heard my dad was dead I decided to leave Sweet Daddy, go back to Lawndale, and go legit. Problem was there aren't many job opportunities for a woman who's previous occupation was streetwalker. I kept hooking while I looked for a real job. I got a tech geek to help me forge a resume and background as payment for my...services. Then you guys hired me."

Quinn asked "If you have a job now why do you keep having sex for money?"

Giselle said "So I could afford to thank you two properly. You have no idea how much you guys mean to me. You gave me a chance when no one else would."

Hearing the sad story of Giselle's life has Quinn visibly moved.

"Giselle, I'm sorry I got mad. But you don't have to thank us with expensive gifts."

Giselle said "Fat lot of good it did me. Now, if I don't go back to Sweet Daddy he'll probably kill us all."

Quinn said "Jim, we have to help her. We can't let her go back to her old life."

Jim is taken aback by this.

"Quinn, are you out of your mind!?"

Quinn said "Jim, it's the right thing to do."

Jim said "Quinn, she's a whore!"

Quinn said "She needs our help. Please?"

Jim appears to think it over.

Giselle said "I don't wanna go back to Sweet Daddy and I don't wanna be a hooker anymore. You guys are my only way out."

Jim huffed "Fine! Both of you, come with me."

Jim grabs his car keys. Giselle asked "Where are we going?"

Jim said "The bank. We're going to withdraw the money you put in. I'm no pimp and Quinn's no madame."

Quinn, who's still wearing the transparent mini-dress and lacey underwear, said "Can I at least change first?"

Jim, wanting to get this over with, barked "Now, Quinn!"

* * *

 **The bank, a short while later...**

Jim's Camaro ZL1 pulls into a parking space. Inside the car Jim's driving while Quinn's in the front passenger seat and Giselle's in the back. Jim said "You two wait here."

Quinn asked "Then why did you insist we come with you?"

Jim said "Because Sweet Daddy knows where we live. I'm not leaving you two alone until this is resolved."

Jim reaches into his jacket and pulls out his Beretta 92 handgun. He gives it to Quinn.

"Here, in case Sweet Daddy shows up while I'm in there."

Giselle asked "Why can't I have a gun?"

Jim said "Two reasons: One, I only have one. Two, all things considered I'd have to be an idiot to trust you with a weapon."

Giselle said "I...I understand."

Jim turned to Quinn.

"Now, if this pimp shows while I'm in there pretend he's Jennifer Pearl."

Quinn's eyes narrow at the mention of the woman who used to be Burnout Girl but is now her professional rival.

"Pearl!" she hissed.

Jim exits the car. Once he's gone, Giselle asked "You don't like Jennifer Pearl?"

Quinn said "I hate that two-faced, backstabbing bitch."

"How come?"

"Long story."

* * *

 **Some time later...**

They're driving back home from the bank when they stop at a red light. Inside the car, Jim hands Giselle the money he withdrew.

"Here's your ill gotten money."

Giselle is about to put it in her purse when someone rear ends Jim's Camaro.

"What the hell?"

Jim looks in the rearview mirror. He sees Sweet Daddy's Cadillac right behind them.

"Sweet Daddy!"

Terrified, Giselle said "What are we gonna do?"

Jim said "Hold on."

With that, he floors his car. Sweet Daddy chases after them.

"That be MY bitch, punk ass!"

Jim can't go as fast as he wants because of the traffic. Normally, he'd leave Sweet Daddy in the dust because a 1975 Cadillac DeVille only has 150 horsepower while a 2016 Camaro ZL1 is a 625 horsepower beast. Sweet Daddy pulls along side them. Out of the corner of his eye, Jim sees him pull a Mac-10 out of his fur coat. Jim pulls ahead just in time to avoid his car getting shot up. As Sweet Daddy continues to pursue them he rolls down the driver side window.

"Quinn, take the wheel!"

Quinn grabs the steering wheel while Jim turns around to aim his own gun out the window. He fires several shots at Sweet Daddy but, because he's shooting from a moving vehicle, none of them hit.

Sweet Daddy said "I'm'a cap yo' ass, fool!"

He's about to fire again when Jim gets off a lucky shot. Jim's bullet hits Sweet Daddy's gun, knocking it out of his hand.

"Damn, my Mac!"

Meanwhile, Giselle said "Nice shot, Jim."

Jim said "Not really. I was aiming for his head."

Jim hands his gun to Quinn and retakes the wheel. Sweet Daddy, while unarmed, isn't about to give up. He pulls up along side Jim and tries to force the Camaro off of the road. Finally...

"YES!" said Jim as he steered down a road that leads out to the woods. "No traffic, we can just outrun him now."

With that, Jim floors it and keeps going. Sweet Daddy can't keep up. Soon, he's gone. Jim, Quinn and Giselle all breathe a huge sigh of relief.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, some time later...**

Jim's Camaro pulls up to the house. He, Quinn and Giselle are dismayed to find Sweet Daddy there waiting for them.

"Dammit!" said Quinn, "What are we gonna do now?"

Giselle lets out a resigned sigh.

"I'll go back to him."

Quinn said "Giselle, no!"

Giselle said "Quinn, you've been so kind to me. I can't let him hurt you. It'd be better for everyone if I just went back to him."

Quinn said "But don't you want out?"

Giselle said "Yes, but not if it gets you guys killed. It has to be this way."

She's about to cry when Jim makes a decision.

"No, it doesn't. Giselle, give me the money."

Giselle asked "What are you gonna do?"

Jim said "Make him an offer he can't refuse."

Handing Jim the money, Giselle said "Careful. Even without a gun Sweet Daddy can still f#%$ you up."

Jim said "He's from Ohio, I'm from New York. How do you think a fight like that's gonna end?"

With that, Jim gets out of the Camaro and walks right up to Sweet Daddy.

"Okay, pal, let's chat!"

Sweet Daddy said "You ready to gimme back my bitch, fool?"

Jim gets right in Sweet Daddy's face.

"She's MY bitch now, asshole!"

Sweet Daddy shoves Jim. Jim lets out his inner Tony Soprano and punches Sweet Daddy so hard that he falls to the ground. While Sweet Daddy's down Jim kicks him several times.

"Motherfuckin', cocksuckin', goddamn molignon piece of shit."

Jim kicks Sweet Daddy one more time.

"That's for fucking up my car. Now, let's talk business."

Sweet Daddy gets up and puts his hat back on.

"Now I know you Italian. You white, but fight like you black. Only whitey's who fight like that are Italians."

Jim angrily said "I'm Jim Carbone, and Lawndale's MY hood. Got it? Giselle's MY ho and you'd best haul your mooley ass back to Cincinatti. Now," Jim gets out the money, "because I'm a fair businessman here's the money she made for me so far, minus what it's gonna cost to fix the damage to my car."

Holding the money, Sweet Daddy said "This feels light. You tryin' to hustle me, dago?"

Jim said "HEY, I play it straight up, darkey!"*

* **A/N:** Sorry for the racial slurs. That's just how people talk on the mean streets.

Sweet Daddy looks first at the money, then at Quinn and Giselle and finally at Jim. He makes his decision.

"Whatever! You can have her. I gots a whole stable of ho's waitin' on me, in Cin-cin-at-ay."

Sweet Daddy takes one more look at Quinn, then asks Jim a question.

"Yo, how much you want for the cute red head, G?"

Offended, Jim said "That's my wife."

Sweet Daddy starts to laugh.

"HA-HA...HO-HO...HEH-HEH...OHOHOHO...Sorry, g, I don't mean...heh..I don't mean to dis, but damn! That's gotta be the dumbest move a pimp can make, playa. 'Magine, marryin' one o' yo' ho's!"

Continuing to laugh, Sweet Daddy gets in his car and leaves. Giselle runs right up to Jim and hugs him.

"OH, Thank you, Jim."

Letting him go, Giselle said "I guess this means I need to find a new job."

Quinn said "Don't be silly, Giselle. You're still our assistant."

Amazed, Giselle said "Even after all this!?"

Jim said "Of course. On the condition that you stop hooking."

Giselle said "You guys are the best."

With that, she and Quinn go back into the house. At this point Jim sees Kevin, who witnessed the whole thing.

"Hey, Kevin."

Terrified, Kevin said "Please, Jim, don't pimp me out. I'm no good, just ask my wife."

With that, Kevin runs into his house. Jim has a Daria-like smirk on his face.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Quinn, Jim and the boys spend Christmas with Jim's mother, Gina. Guess who Chris and Lindy get stuck with?


	13. Ho Ho Humbug

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 13**

 **"Ho Ho Humbug"**

 **story by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Pizza King, day...**

Quinn and Stacy are eating pizza and catching up. They seem so like Daria and Jane back in high school that no one could fail to notice.

Quinn asked "So, what are you doing for Christmas?"

Stacy said "Chuck's parents are coming up from Florida. You?"

Quinn said "This year my parents are taking a Caribbean Cruise, so Jim and I are taking the boys to visit his mother on Long Island."

Stacy said "Doesn't your sister live in New York?"

Quinn said "I'm planning on visiting her while I'm up there."

Stacy said "That's nice. You know, I always liked Gina Carbone. I'm glad she finally divorced Tony."

Quinn said "You and me both, Stacy."

Just then, Stacy has a thought.

"Why did she stay with Tony for thirty-six years, anyway?"

Quinn explained "Because she's a traditional Catholic from Italy, she and Tony met while he was stationed there. Basically, she doesn't believe in divorce."

Stacy said "Didn't stop her from leaving Tony...eventually."

Quinn said "I guess it just got to a point where she decided being a good Catholic was more trouble than it's worth."

Stacy said "Speaking of Jim's parents, do you know what Tony's doing for Christmas?"

Quinn sharply said "No, and I don't care...as long as he does it away from me and the kids."

Stacy nods in understanding.

* * *

 **Chris and Lindy's house, evening...**

There's a light snowfall outside that looks beautiful in front of the Christmas decorations. Inside, an eight and a half months pregnant Lindy is sitting at the kitchen table while her husband and Jim's brother, Chris, is serving dinner. A pregnancy induced craving causes her to lose her patience.

"Come on, Chris. Nothing comes between a pregnant woman and a meal."

Chris comes to the table with lasagna (real kind, not the microwave crap Helen used to serve). He serves Lindy before serving himself and sitting down.

"PMS has nothing on pregnancy." he commented as he took a bite.

In a playful tone, Lindy said "If I didn't love you so much I'd kill you for that one."

At this point, the doorbell rings repeatedly. Lindy asked "Who could that be?"

Chris gets up and answers the front door. He's surprised to see...Tony and Jennifer.

Tony barked "About goddamn time! Were you gonna let me and your mother freeze out there?"

Rolling his eyes, Chris said "Dad, Jennifer's not my mother. She's six years younger than me, for chrissake."

In a menacing tone, Tony said "Don't back talk me! Just because you lettered in high school doesn't mean I won't kick your washed up ass."

With that, Tony shoves Chris aside as he and Jennifer enter the house. He sees Lindy at the table.

"Well," he remarked in a condescending tone, "if it isn't the old maid Chris settled for."

Sarcastic, Lindy said "Nice to see you too."

Chris and Jennifer come into the kitchen and sit at the table. Tony and Jennifer help themselves to some lasagna.

"Dad, what are you doing here?"

Tony said "Your sissy ass brother and that red hed harpy are visiting that bitch mother of yours, so I decided we'd spend Christmas here."

Lindy frowns. If it weren't for the pregnancy then just the prospect of Christmas with Tony would be enough to get her back on the bottle. Tony takes a bite of the lasagna.

"This is good. At least the used up blond can cook."

Now, Lindy is giving Tony a VERY nasty look.

Chris said "Actually, I made dinner."

A suddenly enraged Tony spits out the lasagna.

"WHAT!? YOU COOKED!? DO YOU PISS SITTING DOWN NOW, TOO!?"

Offended, Lindy said "For your information, he's doing all of the housework because I'm eight and a half months pregnant, in case you haven't noticed."

Tony growled "How the hell can you be pregnant, anyway?"

Tongue in cheek, Lindy said "Three step process. Stpe one, I go off the pill and Chris stops using condoms. Step two, he puts his ding dong in my hoo hah. Step three, thrust and repeat until gooey white stuff comes out."

Tony hissed "That's not what I mean. How the hell can you be pregnant at forty?"

Lindy said "I still have a decade to go before menopause."

Tony said "Gina had both Chris at Jim in her 20's."

Lindy said "Not everyone marries young."

Chris, remembering Brooke, said "I did and she turned out to be a cheating bitch."

Tony barked "I know! That's why you divorced her for this loser."

Chris, not wanting a fight, said "Can we PLEASE change the subject?"

Tony said "Good idea." He turns to Jennifer, "Hey, jugs, get me a beer."

Before Jennifer can get up. Even before Tony can slap his trophy wife on the ass, Lindy said "We don't have any alcohol."

Supremely pissed, Tony yelled "WHY THE F#%$ NOT!?"

Lindy, rapidly losing her patience, hissed "Because I'm a recovering alcoholic who's pregnant."

Turning to his son, Tony said "You see what happens when you don't control your woman. At least Brooke was a knockout. Now, you're stuck with this piece of damaged goods."

Lindy looks at Tony like she wants to kill him.

* * *

 **Glenn Harbor, Long Island, NY, the next day...**

The town of glenn Harbor is a quaint suburb on the Long Island Sound within easy commuting distance of New York City. The Carbone's moved here after Tony left the Army and joined the NYPD. Gina Sorrenti (formerly Gina Carbone) has lived in the same two-story white wood sided house ever since (she got it in the divorce). It's the same house that Chris and Jim grew up in. Quinn's Cadillac pulls up the driveway and comes to a stop. Quinn emerges from the drivers side while Jim emerges from the passenger side. Timmy and Tommy emerge from one side of the back while Teddy and the family dog, Stripe, emerge from the other. They head up to the front door. They don't even have to knock when Gina opens the door and emerges. The years without Tony have been good to her as she seems more spry than when we last saw her.

"Quinn, Jim, how are you?"

Quinn and Jim both hug Gina.

"We're good, Mom."

"Yeah, Gina. How are you?"

Gina said "I'm good. I'm having the best years of my life right now. Where are my grandchildren?"

Tommy and Timmy run up to Gina.

"NONNA!"

Both boys hug her tenaciously.

"How are you boys?"

Tommy said "We're good, Nonna."

Timmy said "Yeah."

Gina said "I'd ask if you've been good this year but I know you have. Do you know what you want from Santa?"

Before either of his brothers answer, Teddy said "Please, there's only one man who gives us toys on Christmas and his name isn't Santa."

Timmy whined "Teddy, why did you say that?"

Tommy said "Yeah, Santa is too real."

Teddy smirked as he asked "Then why do rich kids get more toys than poor kids?"

Both Tommy and Timmy scratch their heads as they try to come up with an answer to that one. Quinn and Jim give Teddy a dirty look. Teddy flashes the Daria half smile.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, back in Lawndale...**

Lindy walks into the living room of her and Chris' house and is dismayed to find Tony parked in front of the TV. He looks irritated. Lindy takes a deep breath to calm her nerves.

"Hey, Tony."

Tony hissed "So, you finally dragged your lazy ass out of bed."

Lindy said "For your information, I'm taking maternity leave because I'm pregnant. Although, the holidays are the slow season in the interior design business anyway. I don't see why Chris doesn't just close up shop until the new year."

Tony said "You made Chris work in your decorating business!?"

Lindy said "No, he volunteered. I do the designs, he handles the business end."

Tony asked "When's the brat due?"

Lindy said "Early to mid January."

Tony said "And it becomes entirely Chris' business after that?"

Lindy said "No. We're taking a paige from Quinn and Jim's book and being business partners as well as life partners."

Tony muttered "Goddamn, communist, immoral hippie, anti-American crap."

Lindy chooses to ignore him. Tony flips through the channels in frustration.

"Where the f&%#'s my nudie channel!?"

Lindy said "We don't get porn on the TV."

Tony barked "Why the hell not!?"

Lindy said "Because we aren't paying an extra two-hundred and fifty dollars a month for something that's free on the internet. Also, I'm not into porn."

Tony sees something that catches his eye.

"CNBC? What's that stand for? If that hot brunette is any indication it's probably C# %'s Naked and Blowing C&%*'s."

Rolling her eyes, Lindy said "No, it's a news channel and..."

Tony interrupts her.

"Hold on! I think that woman's about to get naked!"

Lindy said "That's Maria Barteromo."

Tony said "A MEMBER OF THE LIBERAL MEDIA!? GOD-F$#&IN'-DAMMIT!"

Lindy lets out a frustrated sigh.

* * *

 **Glenn Harbor, evening...**

The sleeping arrangements at Gina's house are the boys and the dog in Chris's old room while Jim and Quinn sleep in Jim's old room. Sitting on the edge of the bed in her nightgown Quinn looks at the room. The decor is what one would expect of a teenage boys room in the 90's. There are posters of bands such as Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Blink-182, Offspring, Green Day and The Smashing Pumpkins. There's even one right over the bed of Carmen Electra clad in a VERY revealing bikini.

 _So_ she thought, _This is Jim's old room. It's like a shrine to his teenage years._

Quinn gets up. Out of the corner of her eye she sees something under the bed. She reaches under and pulls out a closed trunk. Seized by curiosity, she opens it. Inside are comic books from the late 80's and early 90's.

 _X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles._

What's under the comics grabs her attention.

 _Maxim, Playboy, Penthouse._

She puts the contents back and shoves the trunk under the bed.

 _A typical teenage boys room, complete with the hidden porn stash._

She smiles wickedly. Later, Jim comes in from the upstairs bathroom wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts to find Quinn in bed with the covers up to her neck.

"Are you cold?"

Quinn coyly said "No, just getting comfortable."

She keeps the covers up. Jim says nothing.

Quinn said "So, this is your old room?"

Jim said "Sorry you've never seen it before now, but the last time we were here was when I first introduced you to my parents back in 06. Remember how that went?"

Quinn said "Your father made us sleep in a tent in the back yard."

Jim said "That's why we never came back until now."

Quinn, with a seductive smile, said "So, you've never had a girl in here?"

Jim said "Quinn, I was still a virgin when we met."

Quinn said "Which means you've never had sex in this room."

Jim said "Not unless masturbation counts."

Stifling a giggle, Quinn said "I know. I saw your old porn collection."

Jim immediately blushes with embarrassment.

Quinn said "Seeing those dirty magazines got me in a naughty mood. Since you've never gotten laid in here what do you say we change that?"

Jim said "Are you crazy?"

Quinn said "Jim, we're adults. MARRIED adults."

Jim said "What if my mom hears us? Or the boys?"

In an erotic tone, Quinn said "The risk of getting caught is part of the thrill."

With that, she throws off the covers. She's completely naked.

"Still nervous?"

Jim said "A little."

Quinn seductively saunters over to her husband.

"I...want...you...Jim."

That killed the last of Jim's misgivings.

* * *

 **The next morning...**

Quinn and Jim wake up in each other's arms. It's obvious that they spent a good chunk of the previous night having some very steamy sex. Later, in the kitchen, they are all having breakfast. Quinn and Jim exchange wicked grins as neither Gina nor the boys knew what they'd been up to. Or so they thought.

Timmy said "Dad, why were you hurting Mom last night?"

Both Jim and Quinn nearly spit out breakfast when Timmy asked the question.

Nervous, Quinn said "Y...Your father wasn't hurting me last night."

Jim said "Um...Yeah...What makes you think I was hurting your mother?"

Gina has an awkward look on her face as, being a mother herself, she knows what this is about.

Tommy said "We heard Mom making noises last night. She sounded like she was being hurt."

Quinn and Jim now blush with embarrassment. They thought they were quiet.

Quinn said "Your father wasn't hurting me."

Tommy said "Then why were you moaning?"

Timmy said "Yeah. We heard Mom moaning and Dad grunting. Were you fighting?"

Quinn and Jim now look like kids with their hands in the cookie jar.

After savoring the awkward moment, Teddy finally said "Mom and Dad were having sex last night."

Quinn and Jim are shocked by Teddy's bluntness.

Stifling a laugh, Gina said "Now you know what I had to deal with?"

Quinn and Jim slowly sink into their chairs.

* * *

 **New York City, a short time later...**

In a small second story apartment in Hells Kitchen, Quinn is visiting Daria. The two sisters are watching TV. On the TV screen is a demonic creature spanking a pregnant woman.

 **TV Announcer:** "She was expecting a baby, but got a visit by a demon. Merry Krampus, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Daria turns to Quinn.

"So, Quinn, where are Jim and the boys?"

Quinn said "Jim and Gina are showing the boys Jim's home town. I wanted some one on one time with you. What are you doing for Christmas this year?"

Daria said "Well, Jane's husband failed to deliver on his promise to be home for Christmas this year so she and Trent are spending it visiting their parents in New Mexico. This leaves me not even bothering to celebrate this year."

Quinn said "But Daria, it's Christmas!"

Daria said "A religious holiday stripped of it's original meaning and now solely a way to keep the economy booming."

Quinn rolls her eyes at that one.

"Daria, you can't be serious."

Daria said "About the cold fact of what Christmas has become or my desire to abstain?"

Quinn said "It's about spending time with loved ones."

At this point, Quinn gets an idea.

"Why don't you come out to Long Island and spend it with us?"

Daria said "I have a cat, you have a dog."

Quinn said "We'll figure something out. There's room. We can discuss this at Rockefeller Center."

Daria said "What makes you think I want to spend a day shopping?"

Quinn said "Come on, sis. I know you miss Jane. This will keep you from getting lonely."

Daria said "By spending a day buying overpriced trinkets with my fashionista sister and three bratty kids."

Quinn said "Since when do you consider Teddy a brat?"

Daria said "The third bratty kid's your husband."

Quinn can sense that there's more going on here.

"Daria, what's wrong?"

Daria curtly said "Nothing I want to talk to you about."

Quinn said "You don't have to. Of course, if you want to..."

"No."

Quinn said "Now I know something's wrong. You wouldn't be this short with me otherwise."

 _Damn!_ "Look, Quinn, I don't want to talk about it."

Quinn said "At least spend Christmas with us. If nothing else it'll take your mind off of things."

Daria thought _I hate it when she's right._ as she said "Fine, but no makeovers and I won't go shopping."

Holding her ground, Quinn said "No deal, sis. You're going shopping with us and I'm sweet talking Gina into letting you stay with us for Christmas. No sister of mine's gonna be alone on Christmas."

Daria thought _Damn, she really is turning into Mom._

* * *

 **Back in Lawndale...**

At Chris and Lindy's house Tony is watching a movie on TV. On the screen is a long haired, super buff Sylvester Stallone slashing the throat of a Russian soldier in the jungle.

"Gotta love Rambo."

At this moment, Jennifer comes into the living room with a freshly opened can of Budweiser.

"Here's your beer, Sergeant Major."

Tony takes a sip and spits it out.

"DAMMIT, WOMAN, THIS BEER IS WARM! GET ME ANOTHER ONE!"

As Jennifer goes to get a cold beer Tony slaps her on the ass. Lindy sees this an is highly offended. She decides to give Tony a piece of her mind.

"Why do you treat your wife like crap, Tony?"

Tony barked "THAT'S SERGEANT MAJOR CARBONE TO YOU, YOU PATHETIC DRUNK!"

Lindy said "For your information, I haven't had a drink in years. Although, if it weren't for the pregnancy you would have me dangerously close to a relapse at this point."

Tony growled "I shoulda made you buy beer instead of Chris."

Lindy said "That's another thing. Why do you treat your son like crap?"

Tony said "That's how you make a boy into a man."

Lindy said "Chris is forty and Jim's thirty eight."

Tony said "Jim was always a week assed sissy. At least Chris was a real man, until he let Brooke take his balls away."

Lindy now thinks it's pointless to argue and decides to change the subject.

"Sorry I got angry. I guess the pregnancy has me a little on edge."

Tony said "I know how to take the edge off. You can do my laundry."

Lindy said "Do your own laundry."

Tony barked "Don't get short with me, woman. Just because you're knocked up doesn't mean you can be lazy."

Lindy is about to get in Tony's face but thinks better of it.

"Fine!"

"Well, get going blondie!"

Tony slaps Lindy on the ass. Lindy turns around and grabs Tony's wrist.

"Touch me again, old man, and I'll make you eat your own balls!"

Grinning, Tony said "I like 'em feisty."

Lindy frowns. The pregnancy is now the only thing stopping her from making a trip to the liquor store.

* * *

 **New York City, later that day...**

Quinn, Daria, Jim, Gina and the boys are at Rockefeller Center doing Christmas shopping. Quinn pulls Gina aside.

"Gina, I need to talk to you in private."

Gina nodded in understanding.

A nearby fashion boutique, a few minutes later...

Gina and Quinn are now alone. Gina asked "What's on your mind, Quinn?"

Quinn said "When I visited my sister earlier she informed me that she'll be alone on Christmas and..."

"Say no more, Quinn. Of course she can spend Christmas with us. She's family."

Smiling, Quinn said "Thanks."

Gina senses something more than just Daria being alone on Christmas.

"You're worried about her. I can tell."

Quinn said "Daria hasn't been acting like herself. She usually has a sarcastic comment about something but it seems like her wit's run out on her."

Gina said "Could be the stress of the holidays?"

Quinn said "Possibly. I think it's something more. Granted, she was never very social but she seemed almost adamant about not celebrating Christmas this year. I had to practically twist her arm to not only get her to come shopping with us today but also to convince her to spend Christmas with us. I know she isn't the celebrating type, but this is different. She didn't even try to come up with an excuse. Something's wrong, I know it."

Gina said "Have you asked her if she's okay?"

Quinn said "Yes, and got a very sharp replay of 'I'm fine'. I've known her my whole life so I know something's really bothering her."

Gina said "Why wouldn't she tell you?"

Quinn said "You've gotten to know her over the years, Gina. She's both stoic and stubborn. I just wish she'd open up about this."

Gina said "You're going to go out of your mind worrying about her if you don't get any answers, aren't you?"

Quinn nodded.

"I can't help worrying about her. Granted, we didn't have the best relationship growing up, but she's my sister."

Gina said "Maybe it's something she feels she'll be judged negatively for. You need to remind her that you care about her and you only want to help. Make her feel safe and maybe she'll tell you what's wrong."

Quinn looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Gina's house in Glenn Harbor, that evening...**

Quinn is helping Daria get settled into the guest room. Daria looks annoyed.

"Why did you insist I sleep over while you, Jim and the boys are here? I only live a half hour away."

Quinn said "It just wouldn't feel the same without you here."

Daria said "Is that why you flirted with that guy at the pet hotel to get him to take Godzilla in last minute?"

Quinn said "That and the fact that Stripe's with us. You know how cats are in a strange house, especially one with a dog." She sheepishly also admitted "It's also a good ego boost to know that at age thirty five and after having three kids at once I've still got it."

Daria flashed her famous half smile. Quinn still likes attention, even if that's pretty much the only thing 35 year old Quinn has in common with 15 year old Quinn.

"You know," said Daria, "if someone had told me back in high school that we'd get along like this twenty years later I would've called the men in white on them."

Quinn smiles warmly. It's nice to see some of the old Daria make an appearence. The two sisters sit next to each other on the bed.

Quinn said "So, how was the shopping? You know, when I was having one on one time with my mother in law."

Daria said "Educational. I learned that you and Jim went at it like nymphomaniac jack rabbits last night."

Blushing slightly, Quinn said "Who told you?"

Daria said "Teddy. Apparently, Gina and the boys heard you two."

Quinn said "That's what I get for getting horny. Damn habit of being vocal in bed."

Quinn now turns serious.

"Daria, I know something's really bothering you."

Cringing slightly, Daria asked "What makes you think that?"

Quinn said "You weren't being your usual sarcastic self until we brought you here. That alone let me know something's up. Also, you insisted on not celebrating Christmas this year."

Defensive, Daria said "Look, I'm fine."

Not backing down, Quinn said "No, you're not. I can tell."

Daria snipped "Then why don't you mind your own business?"

Quinn said "Look, I'm your sister and I worry about you."

Daria coldly said "A sister who used to claim to be an only child out of embarrassment."

Quinn winched as that one really stung. The whole 'cousin' thing is something she feels incredibly guilty about to this day. Daria softens as she sees the hurt expression on her sister's face.

"I'm sorry, Quinn. I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

Quinn said "Look, if you're afraid of being judged I understand. You can tell me anything. If something's wrong I wanna know. Maybe I can help."

Daria sighed and said "You can't."

Quinn said "Doesn't mean I won't try. Even if all I can do is be a sounding board for your frustrations."

Something occurs to Quinn.

"You're the only female writer at that TV station. Are you being sexually harrassed?"

Daria sighed "I wish I was. That would be easier to deal with."

Now VERY concerned, Quinn asked "What do you mean?"

Taking a deep breath, Daria said "Do you really wanna know what's bothering me?"

Quinn nods as she prepares to hear something really bad.

With another sigh, Daria said "I have cancer."

Quinn gasped in horror.

* * *

 **Gina's house in Glenn Harbor, New York, evening...**

A depressed Daria is in the guest room sitting next to a very concerned, and frightened, Quinn. Daria has just dropped a major bombshell.

"You..." Quinn blurted, "...you...cancer!?"

Looking devastated, Daria nodded.

Regaining her composure, Quinn asked "How long?"

Daria said "I found out a week ago. I was having sharp pain in my lower abdomen, then I didn't have my period. Since I haven't had sex in a very long time I knew that unless it was an immaculate conception there was no way that I'm pregnant. I saw the doctor. It turns out I have stage two ovarian cancer. It's spread, but it's still regonal. My whole internal reproductive system is covered in tumors."

Trying to hold back tears, Quinn said "Oh, Daria!"

Daria said "In order to live I'll have to have a hysterectomy and undergo months of chemotherapy. Even then, there's a chance it'll come back."

Unable to think of anything else to say, Quinn asked "Does Jane know?"

Daria shook her head.

"The only ones who know are me, my doctor and you."

Quinn asked "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Daria said "Because I didn't want pity. I'm also still trying to digest the fact that I'm dying."

Throwing her arms around Daria, Quinn said "You won't die."

Daria said "If this cancer doesn't kill me the treatments probably will. It's even possible that surgery and chemo won't be enough."

Quinn said "You won't die, Daria. I won't let you."

Daria said "Whether or not I die may well be out of both of our hands."

Quinn said "Daria, I'm sorry."

Daria said "I know. I...well..."

Daria can't think of what to say.

Quinn said "I'm sorry I wasn't nice to you when we were little. I'm sorry I don't make more time to visit. I'm sorry for everything. Please, don't die."

Daria sighed "Like it's a big deal if I do. No one will miss me."

Holding her sister tight, Quinn said "That's not true. Jane will miss you. Everyone will, and I'd be totally devastated."

Daria gives Quinn a questioning look. Quinn went on.

"I would, Daria. You're my sister and I love you. Even when I was making your life miserable I loved you. I don't wanna lose you, Daria."

Daria hugged Quinn back.

"Promise me you won't tell anyone else. I...I'd rather they heard it from me...When I'm ready."

Quinn, almost in tears, said "I promise, Daria. I love you."

Daria said "I love you too, Sis."

* * *

 **Chris and Lindy's house, Christmas Eve...**

Lindy and Chris are hosting a Christmas party. The guests include Sandi, Mack, Kevin and his kids. Kevin is talking with Mack and Chris.

Mack asked "Where's Brittany?"

Kevin explained "She couldn't be home for Christmas this year."

Chris asked "How come?"

Kevin said "She's attending a fitness workshop down in Miami."

Mack said "And she didn't bring you and the kids along!?"

Kevin said "She insisted on us staying home."

Chris said "And you're okay with this?"

Kevin said "Hey, what my babe wants my babe gets."

Mack asked "Don't you think it's strange that she went to Miami for the holidays and didn't want you and the kids coming along."

Kevin visibly stains in thought.

Chris said "Don't think too hard."

Kevin said "She's gonna be in a place where it's summer year round surrounded by buff studs who probably wanna bed her."

Mack said "And you don't think that's strange!?"

Kevin said "Dude, I'm actually suspicious as hell." With a relieved smile he added "Good thing Daryl went with her. He can keep an eye on things for me."

Mack and Chris both roll their eyes. Kevin still doesn't see what's really going on.

Meanwhile, Tony is talking to Sandi. They're both drunk.

Sandi said "So, I think Jim and I have a connection."

Tony said "Jim's a little pussy ass. So... _hic_...howcomz he's always got women wanting h... _hic_...him?"

Sandi said "He's soooo... _urp_...dreamy."

At this point, Lindy approaches. She's upset by what she sees.

"Tony, Sandi, you're both drunk!"

Sandi said "Nooo, I'm... _hic_...nod."

Suddenly, she looks VERY nauseous.

"Urp...gulp...hic...burp...BLEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!"

Sandi pukes all over Lindy.

Tony said "AWRIGHT! Now it's a party!"

Lindy gives Tony a nasty look.

Tony said "YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO ME, WOMAN!?"

Lindy said "About a million things, but I can't dumb them down enough for you to understand."

Tony barked "DON'T SASS ME, WOMAN! I KILLED A HUNDRED MEN IN 'NAM!"

Lindy said "And the fact that you're proud of that makes me question your sanity, you psycho!"

Tony shouted "GET YOUR SKANKY ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN WHERE IT BELONGS, YOU COMMUNIST C# %!"

Chris heard that. He immediately gets right in Tony's face.

"Damn it, Dad! Don't you ever call my wife a c %$!"

Tony growled "I'll call her what I want, boy! Brooke was a real woman."

Chris said "She also cheated on me throughout the entire course of our marriage."

Tony said "Because you were too much of a pussy to keep her in her place."

Springing to her husband's defense, Lindy hissed "Excuse me!?"

Tony said "You heard me. Both my sons are useless wimps. I blame that bitch, Gina. She coddled them and wouldn't let me mold them into men."

Lindy retorted "Because what you call a man normal people call a psychopath!"

By now, the party has come to a stop as all eyes are on Tony.

"You know," he said, "Gina spoiled those boys rotten. Especially Jim."

Chris said "You used to get drunk and beat Jim for no reason."

Tony said "I was trying to toughen him up. You were already tough, or so I thought. You won the state championship and went to Penn State on an athletic scholarship. Then, at some point, you lost your balls. I should've beat you too. Gina spoiled you both rotten, the over indulgent bitch."

Chris barked "Don't you dare insult Mom."

Tony said "Your mother is a worthless, coddling, annoying little t #&."

Chris punches Tony. Soon, the two are beating the hell out of each other while a supremely embarrassed Lindy looks on.

* * *

 **Later, at Gina's house in Glenn Harbor...**

The whole family is gathered in the living room. Jim, Daria, Gina and the boys are watching "It's A Wonderful Life" on TV. Quinn is with them, but she's on the phone. Daria has a serene smile on her face.

 _Quinn was right. This does take my mind off of things._

On the TV, they see a little girl say the line "Teacher says that every time a bell rings an angel gets it's wings."

Daria remembered what Quinn said.

 _"You won't die, Daria. I won't let you."_

Daria thought _I made fun of her for believing in guardian angels once. Ironic that she now seems determined to be my guardian angel._

Meanwhile, Quinn's eyes go wide as she listens on the phone.

"You're kidding!...So now Chris has stitches and Tony's at a hotel?...I guess something like that was bound to happen...Okay, bye."

With that, Quinn hangs up.

"You won't believe this. Tony and Chris beat each other up."

Jim said "I believe it."

Gina said "No Christmas is complete without my ex-husband starting something with someone."

Jim said "I'm just glad my days of being Dad's personal punching bag are behind me. What happened?"

Quinn said "Tony got into a drunken argument with Lindy. When Chris tried to defuse the situation he started talking smack about you, Gina. Chris didn't like that one bit, so he punched Tony."

Daria said "Family bliss at it's finest."

They all laugh at that one.

* * *

 **Christmas day...**

Quinn, Daria, Jim, Gina and the boys are in the living room. The boys, like typical six year olds, tear into their presents like starving wolves on a fresh kill. Tommy opens one of his.

"Red Dead Redemption 2! Awesome!"

Timmy opens one of his. It's a magic kit.

"Yes! Santa got my letter!"

Teddy rolls his eyes as he opens his. It's a copy of Sun Tzu's The Art Of War.

"Thanks, Mom and Dad."

Jim said "I...I mean Santa thought you might like that."

Teddy rolls his eyes. Unlike his brothers, he stopped believing in Santa when he was still in diapers.

"Daria," said Quinn.

"Yes."

Quinn said "Could you come with me for a second?"

* * *

 **Outside, a minute later...**

Quinn is opening the trunk of her Cadillac while Daria stands by.

"Another present, Quinn?"

Quinn said "Yeah. I wanted to keep it a secret."

She gets a box out of the trunk and hands it to Daria. Daria opens the box and removes the contents. It's a wig that looks just like her real hair.

Quinn said "I figured you could use it while going through chemo."

Daria said "Quinn, you know I'm not a big fan of vanity."

Quinn said "I know, but at least you have it in case you change your mind."

Daria immediately throws her arms around her younger sister.

"Quinn, it's beautiful. Thank you."

Quinn said "You're beautiful, Sis. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise."

Tears of joy stream down Daria's face.

* * *

 **Inside, a short time later...**

Daria and Quinn stand before the everyone.

"Jim, Gina, boys," Daria said, "I have an announcement to make. I have ovarian cancer. It's metastatic. The good news is that it's still localized. That being said, I'm going to need a hysterectomy followed by a few months of chemotherapy."

She fell silent for a moment to let this sink.

"So," said a clearly worried Teddy, "You're not going to die."

Daria said "Not soon. I may die from this, but the doctors say that it's still early enough that with aggressive treatment I stand a chance of living to a ripe old age. Will I die? Yes, we all do eventually. Will I die from this? Possible, but with treatment very unlikely."

Jim asked "When are you starting?"

Daria said "After the New Year I'll make an appointment for the surgery. After that, we'll see about chemo."

Gina asked "Where are you getting it done?"

Daria said "I don't know yet."

At this point, Quinn gets and idea.

"Can you do your job from another city?"

Daria said "Yes. I can submit my stuff by e-mail. Why?"

Quinn said "Mayo Clinic has a location near Lawndale."

Daria said "Quinn, I'm not moving."

Quinn said "You don't have to. I'm just suggesting a temporary move to Lawndale. I've done some research. During treatment you'll need in home care."

Daria asked "What are you saying?"

Quinn said "I'm saying I want you to stay with us while you're getting treated. We'll put you up in our guest room."

All three of the triplets perk up as they hear this.

"Quinn," said Daria, "I don't want to impose."

Quinn said "Daria, I insist. I wanna take care of you while you're sick."

Jim said "It's all right with me."

Daria said "Are you sure?"

Quinn said "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You have a hard road ahead and I insist on being with you every step of the way."

Daria is almost moved to tears. She immediately rushes over to Quinn and hugs her.

"Quinn...Thank you!"

The two sisters hug. Daria has one thought.

 _She IS my guardian angel._

Snow begins to fall outside.

 **Merry Christmas.**

 **Next Time**

Daria returns to Lawndale and is dismayed at how little things have changed.


	14. Sexual Miseducation

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 14**

 **"Sexual Miseducation"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Daria and Quinn are in the kitchen catching up.

"So, Daria, what do you think?"

Daria asked "About?"

Quinn said "The overall situation."

Daria said "Well, it sucks that I have to endure months of hell in order to cheat death."

Feeling bad, Quinn said "If I could take away your cancer I would."

Nodding, Daria said "I know."

Before the conversation can continue the doorbell rings. Quinn gets up and answers. She's pleasantly surprised to see that it's Jane.

"Please, come in."

Jane says nothing but looks annoyed as she and Quinn make their way to the kitchen. Jane sits down and, in an accusing tone, asked Daria "So, when exactly were you planning on telling me what's going on? I come back to New York and find your apartment empty. I ask around and finally get your boss to tell me you're here. He also told me that you have cancer. Spill!"

Daria explained "You were in New Mexico when I found out. I was going to tell you when you got back."

Jane said "But you hopped a train back to Lawndale instead!?"

Quinn admitted "That's my fault, actually. Daria told me, after I twisted her arm, and I insisted on taking care of her while she gets treated. We would've called your place and left a message but it all happened so fast that neither of us thought of it. Sorry."

Jane scowls for just a second before her expression softens.

"Aw, Hell. I couldn't even stay mad at you over the Tom thing so I definitly can't stay mad about this. You're forgiven, amiga."

Daria said "Thanks."

Jane said "Is there anything I can do?"

Daria said "Just knowing I have you in my corner is more than enough."

Jane said "After everything we've been through I'd have to be one icy bitch to abandon you at a time like this."

The two BFFs smile.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the basement...**

Jim is in his man cave with Kevin, Mack and Chuck. It's Sunday, so they're drinking beer and watching football.

Kevin said "You know, Brit's been nervous lately."

Mack asked "About?" while thinking _She must be afraid you're onto her and Daryl._

Kevin said "Work. It's her turn to teach sex ed this year."

Jim said "I remember when I was given 'the talk'."

* * *

 **Central Park Zoo, 1992...**

A male and female spider monkey are vigorously going at it while Tony and an eleven year old Jim watch. Jim is visibly feeling awkward while Tony is clearly amused by what he sees.

"That's how it's done, boy. You just take her and stick it in."

Jim is visibly put off by his father's crudity.

Tony said "Why the long face? This is one hell of a show. HOO-RAH!"

Jim's man cave, present...

Jim, remembering the incident, said "Thank God Mom made him sign the permission slip a few years later."

Chuck said "At least your parents were proactive. I first learned by raiding my dad's porn stash when I was ten."

* * *

 **Lawndale High, the next day...**

Brittany is standing in front of the class. She looks nervous.

"Um...We're not having class in the gym because today we need to discuss other aspects of physical education. We're going to talk about the reposessive system and the health issues associated with it."

One of the students, a brainy girl who looks like a blond Daria, said "I think you meant to say reproductive system."

Brittany twirls her hair and looks vacant. The girl said "Never mind."

Brittany said "Now, can you tell me the difference between boys and girls."

One guy, who's obviously a stoner, said "Girls have jugs."

This elicits a laugh from the boys in the class and disgusted looks from the girls. One girl, a modestly dressed yet physically attractive brunette named Christina, said "That's overly simplistic. After all, boys who are out of shape have breasts too. The real difference between the sexes lies in the fact that boys genitiles are external while girls are internal."

The other girls gave Christina a look, like they think less of her for being smart. The boys look at her with a similar disdain but for a different reason. Christina is a devoutly religious girl who's refusal to date or even flirt frustrates all of them. Even when she does date the guy is usually put off by her refusal to do anything physical for moral reasons. As such, the girls don't like her because they think she's a brain while the boys think she's a tease and a prude.

Brittany said "That's right, Christina."

Brittany places a box on her desk and opens it. She pulls out a wrapped condom.

"Now, this is a condom."

Christina immediately raised her hand.

"Yes, Christina."

Christina asked "Why are you showing us condoms?"

Brittany said "Because I'm supposed to teach you about safer sex."

Christina said "It'd be better to teach us to save sex for marriage. Pre-marital sex is a sin."

One of the popular girls, a hot red head named Samantha, said "Shut up, church girl."

Brittany said "See, when you have sex you should use a condom. They say it's safer. Personally, they make sex less pleasurable, which is why I never use them."

The blond Daria look alike asked "But what about reducing the risk of pregnancy and STI's?"

Looking vacant, Brittany asked "What's an STI?"

The Daria clone rolls her eyes and sighs. Christina, meanwhile, has a scheming look on her face.

 _This is just immoral. As a good Christian I need to do something about this._

She gets an idea.

 _I'll ask my pastor._

Brittany, meanwhile, continued her lecture.

"I never use condoms and I've only gotton pregnant four times, once with twins, but I've had sex a lot more than that. So, I guess you don't really need them. Now, who can tell me what some slang words for a male erection are?"

The stoner dude raises his hand.

"Yes?"

"Pitching a tent. Sporting wood. Popping a boner. Having a stiffy. Raising a flag, standing at attention, a pruple helmet soldier, loading the love gun, priming the pump, filling the cream tube and, my personal favorate, Big Johnson."

Brittany visibly feels awkward.

* * *

 **Lawndale Church of the Fellowship Of The Kingdom Of Christ, later that afternoon...**

Reverend Li is hosting a meeting of her church's youth ministry, the Hallelujah Club.

"Attention, young people," she said, "Christina DiBono has some disturbing news to share with us."

As the crowd claps Christina takes her place at the podium.

"Today at school we began learning sexual education in gym class. Not only did our teacher, Mrs. Thompson, fail to ask for our parental permission slips but she told us things that can only lead to sexual immorality. She thinks pre marital sex is okay while the school advocates condom use. Such teaching is leading us young people to sin and immorality."

Rev. Li came to the podium.

"This is happening all across America. Satan has continued his insideous infiltration of academia. Not only are we forced to tolerate false religions, such as Buddhism and Islam, but we must accept sexual immorality. Pre marital sex is a sin, homosexuality is a sin, adultery is a sin. It is my understanding that this woman is unfaithful to her husband."

Nodding, Christina said "It's true. One of her neighbors is even bisexual. I remember Miss Griffin joining us, but it seems she has returned to her sinful ways and unnatural relationships."

The group whisper amongst themselves.

Rev. Li said "This cannot stand. We have an opportunity to steer the students of Lllllaaaawwwnnnndale High away from sin and immorality. We will start by pitching our own sex ed curriculum to the school board."

"How?" asked one of the parishinors, "We can't teach religion in public schools."

Rev. Li said "We will use an abstinence only curriculum I've developed. One which turns them away from fornication and other sexual devience while avoiding any specific mention of God and our Blessed Lord Jesus."

The youth group all clap while Christina and Rev. Li grin in triumph.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a few days later...**

Quinn, Daria and Jane are in the kitchen talking to a sobbing Brittany.

"I... _sniff_...I can't believe this... _sob_...why?... _sniff_..."

Quinn said "I can't believe this."

Daria said "I would if we still lived in Texas. And here I was thinking blue states were more enlightened than that."

At this point, Jim comes in.

"What's going on?"

As Brittany continued to cry Quinn explained "She was fired."

Jane said "Apparently some religious whack jobs didn't like her teaching sex ed and a bunch of parents agreed. The school board caved under the pressure."

Brittany said "I wuh... _sniff_...was fired. The principal said sh... _sob_...she didn't want too but had no choice."

Raising an eyebrow, Jim said "She? Did DeMartino have a sex change?"

Quinn said "No, he retired. The current principal is Ms. DaFoe."

Jane said "The one teacher I actually respected when I was a student."

Quinn explained "Apparently there's a new curriculum and a new sex ed teacher."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Lawndale High...**

Brittany's class is gathered in the classroom. One of them happens to be the head cheerleader, Lauren. She's talking with her friend and fellow cheerleader, Tracy. Tracy is a slim, tanned blonde with an infectious smile.

Lauren commented "Mrs. Thompson's not here, and yesterday's cheerleading practice was suddenly cancelled. Do you know what's going on?"

Shrugging, Tracy said "No clue."

Just then, the door opens. In steps Ms. DaFoe. She looks the same as she did twenty years ago except that now her hair's gray and she wears a business suit.

"Class," she said, "I have some news. Mrs. Thompson was let go for...reasons."

She had an especially guilty look on her face as she was forced to fire Brittany against her will. She went on "Also, the school board has made last minute changes to the curriculum in regards to sexual education. The new sex ed class will be taught by a special guest teacher."

No one notices the triumphant smirk on Christina's face.

Ms. DaFoe said "Here is the woman who will teach the new curriculum."

In steped...Reverend Li!

"Attention, class," Li said, "I am Reverend Angela Li, head of the Lawndale Fellowship Of the Kingdom Of Christ. We have successfully lobbied to have the school board revise the sexual education curriculum. I am here to teach you all about sex...and why you should remain pure until marriage."

The kids all groan.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, day...**

Rev. Li is giving a sex ed lecture. To call it misinformation would be an understatement.

"Condoms don't work, plain and simple. If you use one, you'll be just as likely to contract a disease as you would without any protection whatsoever."

The blonde Daria clone said "Excuse me, but aren't most major condom brands proven to be eighty to ninety percent effective."

Rev. Li said "That's a lie the promiscuity industry wants you to believe."

The blonde brain said "How do we know you're not the one lying to us?"

Rev. Li said "I speak out of concern for your well being. Condoms actually fail one hundred percent of the time. The only way to be safe is to postpone sex until marriage. I'll provide an example."

Li gets out the box of condoms. She takes one condom out of the box. With quick slight of hand she switches it out with a novelty condom that she had on her person. This one even has a warning label that reads "for decorative purposes only. Not intended for actual use as a contraceptive." The slight of hand is so quick that no one in the class noticed. Rev. Li opened the fake condom and VERY easily tore it with her finger.

"How effective can it be when it tears so easily?"

The class gasps in horror. Most of them now clearly believe Li's deception.

"Now," she continued, "Let's talk about the pill. It never works. If you have sex you will become pregnant."

The stoner dude asked "What about masturbation?"

Li said "If you want to lose your eyesight then by all means."

Samantha, the popular red head, gasped "That's true!"

Li nodded. She said "Also, same sex relations are unnatural. The evolutionary intended purpose of sex is reproduction, but two people of the same sex can't reproduce. In fact, homosexuality is a severe mental illness."

The glass all gasp in shock and horror. Lauren asked "So, when is it okay to have sex?"

Li said "Only within marriage to someone with no diseases."

The whole class, except the brainy blond, are buying this hook, line and sinker.

Li said "Now, let's talk about ejaculation and how it severly weakens stamina."

* * *

 **After class...**

A VERY concerned Lauren approaches Rev. Li after class has let out. Li asked "Did you need something?"

Lauren said "All that stuff you said today kind of got me rattled."

In a reassuring tone, Li said "As long as you wait until marriage you'll be fine."

Lauren gulped.

"See...well...I have a boyfriend. He's the quarterback, Ultra Thompson."

Li said "His father was quarterback when I was the principal."

Lauren said "Well...See...Me and Ultra have...you know...already done it."

Rev. Li said "I see."

Lauren said "I'm scared. What if I have AIDS? What if I'm pregnant?"

Li said "Then you need to repent. Even if you're fine you'd do well to stop fornicating. After all, being a virgin until marriage is a beautiful thing."

Nervous, Lauren said "But, I'm not a virgin."

Smiling, Li opens a desk drawer. She pulls out an abstinence pledge and a purity ring.

"Become a born again virgin."

Uncertain, Lauren said "We can do that?"

Li said "Of course. You have a chance to regain your lost purity."

Lauren said "But...my boyfriend?"

Li said "Convince him to be abstinent along with you. You two could be a shinning example."

Lauren takes the abstinence pledge and reads it. Li smirks.

* * *

 **The abandoned quarry, evening...**

Ultra's Trans Am is parked at the quarry. Inside, he and Lauren are making out. Ultra slides his hand under her shirt and grabs her breast. Lauren responds by grabbing his wrist and pushing him away. Ultra is puzzled by her reaction.

"Like, what's wrong, babe? I thought you liked it when I feel you up."

Lauren said "I do, but it usually leads to us taking off each others clothes and doing it."

Ultra said "Duh, babe. It's called foreplay. What's with you?"

Lauren said "Look, it's not that I don't want to have sex with you, but we can't."

Ultra said "What!? We do it all the time."

Lauren said "I know, and I enjoy it, but we can't."

Ultra asked "How come?"

Lauren holds up her hand. She's wearing a purity ring.

"I signed an abstinence pledge. I'm a born again virgin."

Visibly disappointed, Ultra said "So, no more sex."

Lauren said "At least for a while."

Ultra asked "How long?"

Lauren said "When you finish college and go pro we'll get married. Then we can have all the sex we want."

Ultra whined "But, babe, I don't wanna wait that long."

Lauren said "Do you love me?"

Ultra said "You know I love you, babe."

Lauren said "Then please do this for me. Let's not have sex again until we're married and ready for kids."

Ultra said "But that's, like, years from now."

Lauren said "Please, Ultra. I love you and we need to do this for our own good."

Ultra said "I guess we can do other stuff."

Lauren said "We can hold hands, hug and kiss. We can't go further than that. It gets too tempting."

Ultra looks totally deflated as it sinks in that not only is he not getting any tonight but if he stays with Lauren it'll be years before he gets laid again.

"AW, MAN!"

* * *

 **Thompson house, the following afternoon...**

Jim, Chuck, Mack and Kevin are sitting on the porch drinking beer and talking. Kevin, as usual, is also chain smoking.

Mack said "...so I gave her a fake number. Hopefully, she'll take the hint."

Jim said "So, the usual love 'em and leave 'em approach."

At this point, Ultra walks up to the house. He looks down.

Kevin said "Hey, Ultra. Like, what's with the long face?"

Ultra said "Lauren signed a purity pledge."

Kevin asked "What's that?"

Chuck explained "It's a vow not to have sex before marriage."

Ultra said "I'm, like, totally bummed. I love Lauren but I also loved having sex with her. Now she insists we don't do it again until we're married."

Kevin said "But, like, you're too young."

Ultra said "I know. That's why I'm bummed. She even gave me this."

Ultra takes a brochure out of his pocket and hands it to Kevin. Kevin reads it.

"Like, whoa! I didn't know you could go blind from masturbation!"

Jim said "You can't. Let me see that thing."

Kevin hands the brochure to Jim. Jim reads it aloud.

"Condoms always fail, the pill doesn't work, premarital sex causes...leprosy! What the hell!?"

Chuck said "This brochure's full of lies and half truths."

Ultra said "Lauren believes them. It also said AIDS was created by God to punish pre marital sex and that pregnancy will happen no matter what you do."

Kevin said "Maybe you and Lauren should hold off until you're married. I'm not ready to be a grandfather."

Ultra said "But what do I do in the meantime? I don't wanna wait years to have sex again."

Kevin said "You're the QB. Find a babe who will put out."

Ultra said "I don't wanna break up with Lauren."

Kevin said "So don't tell her."

The other guys can't believe Kevin is actually telling Ultra to cheat on his girlfriend. Ultra now smiles.

"Dude! That could work. Thanks, Dad!"

Ultra enters the house. Chuck asked Kevin "Aren't you worried there might be a hell?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Jim is showing the brochure to Quinn and Daria. Quinn reacts as expected.

"Are you kidding me!? How can this stuff even be allowed in public school!?"

Daria said "Never underestimate the power of Li."

Quinn said "Getting Brittany fired was bad enough, but now this. They're actually letting Rev. Li fill the kids heads with this crap!?"

Jim said "Apparently. The curriculum is obviously designed to scare the kids into abstinence."

Daria said "Dispite mounting evidence that approach never works. I guess this town's gonna see a huge uptick in the teen pregnancy rate."

Quinn said "This is just wrong. What if my kids get their heads filled with thins crap when they reach that age? We have to do something."

Jim said "Quinn, it's really none of our business."

Quinn said "The hell it isn't. I'm a concerned parent who doesn't want her sons' future education to involve their heads being filled with lies and half truths."

Jim said "Quinn, the boys are in first grade."

Quinn said "What if this crap is still being spewed when they're older?"

Jim now looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Lawndale Hige, the next day...**

Ultra is walking down the hallway when a blonde in VERY revealing clothes saunters over to him.

"Hey, stud," she said, "I heard your GF won't put out for you anymore. How do you deal?"

Ultra said "Not well. I'm totally bummed."

The blonde slut said "How about I take the edge off..." whispering, she adds, "...sexy."

Ultra remembers what his father said the day before. He smirks.

"AWRIGHT!"

As they sneak into the boiler room the slut asked "Do you have a condom?"

Ultra said "We don't need them, I'll pull out."

They close the door and start to make out. Soon, they're peeling each others clothes off.

* * *

 **Thompson House, evening...**

Ultra and Lauren are in the living room watching a movie on TV. Ultra said "Thanks for coming over, babe."

Lauren asked "Where's everyone?"

Ultra said "Dad's at the Liquid Dinner. It's amateur night and he wants to work on his clown routine. My sister's are all at sleepovers and my brother's spending the night next door."

Lauren asked "What about your Mom?"

Ultra said "At the gym doing an all nighter."

Lauren gives her boyfriend a pitying look. She knows about the affair but Ultra doesn't.

"So, we have the house to ourselves?"

Ultra said "Yeah, babe."

Lauren looks uneasy.

 _If this was two weeks ago I'd be jumping his bones right now._

Ultra asked "Why are you so nervous, babe?"

Lauren said "Well, we're alone and...um...well..."

Ultra said "Wanna take advantage?"

Lauren said "We can't. No more sex until marriage, remember?"

A little disappointed, Ultra said "Can we at least make out?"

Nervous, Lauren thought _I want to, and more. I really wanna have sex, but I can't. I'm a born again virgin. What if we start and I can't stop?_

Putting his arm around Lauren, Ultra said "Come on, babe. Just a little kissing and some groping?"

Lauren said nothing but is visibly conflicted. Ultra leaned in and kissed her deeply. She starts to lose herself in the moment.

 _This is so hot! How far? How far can I go without crossing the line?_

As their tongues dance in each others mouths Lauren's resolve begins to melt.

 _I want this, and more. I want to rip his clothes off and go all the way like we used to. Maybe...maybe we can go further and still stop. Maybe it's only sex if we get naked._

With that, Lauren shoves Ultra onto his back and climbs on top of him. The kissing resumes.

 _This is SOOOO hot!_

Ultra places his hands on her ass and squeezes. This causes Lauren to moan into his mouth. His hands move up and slowly begin to pull off her shirt.

 _This is so intense. I can feel it in his pants. We should stop, but it feels so good. But, the pledge! The risk! What about the risk? I'm on the pill, but Rev. Li said it doesn't work. We don't have condoms. But...I want to. I want to have sex...right now!_

At this point, her shirt is up to her bra. Ultra is about to unhook it when...

 _NO...I...WANT...SO...BUT..._

She immediately gets off of Ultra and pulls her shirt back down.

"Ultra...I...I'm sorry...I...I can't."

Ultra whined "But, babe..."

Now freaked, Lauren runs out of the house. Dejected, Ultra folds his arms.

 _Way to blow it, man._ he thought to himself.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, less than a minute later...**

A frantic Lauren is ringing the doorbell. Quinn answers.

"Lauren!?"

Lauren said "I need to talk to someone, Mrs. Carbone. It's...well...um..."

Seeing how distraught the teenage girl is, Quinn said "Please, come on in."

* * *

 **The kitchen table, a short time later...**

Lauren, having calmed down, is talking to Quinn, Jim and Daria. She's just told them what happened with Ultra. Jim is visibly uncomfortable.

He said "Shouldn't you be having this conversation with your parents, not your boyfriends neighbors?"

Lauren said "I can't. My Dad's out of town on business and I don't know where my Mom is right now." _Probably screwing the guy who mows our lawn._ "I was freaked and I just remembered how you helped me with that rough patch with Ultra last month. Please."

Jim now feels guilty.

Quinn asked "How do you feel about all of this?"

Lauren said "That's what freaks me out. I signed a pledge not to have premarital sex again, but when I was with Ultra my body was screaming for me to do it with him. If I hadn't bolted I'd probably be having sex with him right now."

Daria asked "Why did you sign that abstinence pledge in the first place?"

Lauren said "I was scared. I'm not ready for kids and I don't wanna catch an STI. But I love Ultra and I loved doing things with him. Including being physically intimate. What's wrong with me?"

Quinn said "Nothing's wrong with you. This is all perfectly normal for a teenager."

Lauren said "I want to be with Ultra, and I want to do more than just hold hands and kiss."

Quinn said "There's nothing inherently wrong with sex, Lauren. You don't have to wait until marriage if you don't want to."

Lauren said "But what about pregnancy? What about STD's?"

Daria said "That's what condoms and the pill are for."

Lauren said "But, aren't they ineffective?"

Quinn said "Not if you use them properly. Condoms are 80 to 90 percent effective depending on the brand. The pill works so well that failures are extremely rare. After all, that's how Jim and I avoided having kids before we were ready."

Lauren said "So you and Jim didn't wait until you were married to have sex?"

Jim said "No. We'd only been steady for about two months when we started doing it."

Quinn said "As long as you take precautions and it's what you both want you and Ultra can have sex."

Lauren asked "Is there a way, other than abstinence, to be entirely safe from pregnancy and STI's?"

Jim said "No. There's always going to be that possibility."

Daria added "But if you practice safer sex it's unlikely. Most forms of birth control are highly effective."

Lauren asked "What about disease?"

Quinn said "Would you shun human contact just to avoid a cold?"

"No. But I can get a flu shot."

Daria said "Even vaccines aren't 100 percent effective. There'll always be a certain amount of risk. The only way to eliminate the risk, not just of STI's but disease in general, is to shun human contact."

Lauren said "So I can have sex with my boyfriend?"

Quinn said "If it's what you both want. You just have to be responsible. There's nothing wrong with waiting, if that's what you want. But you don't have to wait if you don't want to. Just protect yourself as best as you can if you do decide to have sex."

Lauren looks visibly relieved. Daria looks at the pamphlet from Rev. Li.

"I need to make a phone call."

Daria, pamphlet in hand, gets up from the table and walks to the phone. She dials a number.

"Tom, it's Daria. Are you still making donations to public schools?...There's something you should know."

Upon hearing this, Quinn smiles.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, the next day...**

Ms. DaFoe is in her office seated behind her desk. Rev. Li is seated across from her. Ms. DaFoe said "I called you in here to inform you that your services will no longer be required."

Rev. Li loses her cool.

"WHAT!? YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"

Ms. DaFoe said "I can now. It turns out a VERY generous donor to the school board has some strong objections to the new sex education curriculum. The school board has reinstated the old curriculum."

Rev. Li said "Thay can't do that. How dare they do that!"

Ms. DaFoe said "Yes, they can. I've also reinstated Mrs. Thompson as the cheerleading coach. She'll once again also be teaching phys ed. I'll be teaching the sex ed class."

Rev. Li said "WHY!? Why did they cave to the demands of one donor?"

Smirking, Ms. DaFoe said "Because that donor is Tom Sloane. I take it you are aware of just how much sway he has with the school board."

At this point, Tom actually enters the office.

"Is there a problem, Ms. DaFoe?"

Ms. DaFoe said "Could you explain to Reverend Li here why you insisted on the old curriculum being reinstituted?"

Tom said "Gladly. See, an old friend of mine called with some concerns about what was being taught in sex ed. She showed me a pamphlet that I find rather disturbing. I really don't think it's good to fill young minds with outright lies about sex. We do the whole community a great disservice by doing so."

Li said "They must be abstinent. They will burn in hell otherwise."

Tom said "Are you aware of seperation of church and state? If not, another old friend of mine will be happy to explain it when she comes out of retirement to sue you if you press the issue. Perhaps you've heard of her, Helen Morgendorffer."

Li hangs her head in defeat. The Lawndale Fellowship Of Christ's Kingdom can't match the combination of the Sloane's money AND the state bar association.

* * *

 **The following evening...**

Lauren's house is a large McMasion in one of Lawndale's more upscale neighborhoods. Her room is a typical teenage girls room. There are One Direction and Ariana Grande posters and Lawndale High pennants on the wall. There's even trophys from dance and cheerleading compettitions that Lauren won. She and Ultra are sitting on the bed and talking.

"Thanks for coming over, Ultra."

Ultra said "Like, no problem, babe."

Lauren said "Listen, about the whole no more sex until marriage thing..."

Ultra said "It's cool, babe. I love you enough to wait."

Lauren said "I had a talk with some people who set me straight. As long as we're careful I see no reason for us not to keep being sexually active. I don't wanna wait until we're married to do it again."

To show how serious she is Lauren takes off the purity ring and throws it in a waste basket.

Ultra said "So, like, we can have sex again?"

With a seductive grin Lauren said "Of course. In fact, that's another reason I invited you over. My parent's are out of town. We have the whole place to ourselves. Wanna sleep over?"

Ultra said "Sleep as in...?"

Lauren said "You, me, no clothes and probably very little actual sleep."

Ultra does a fist pump in the air.

"AWRIGHT!"

Lauren said "Come here, babe."

She shoves Ultra down on his back, gets on top of him and kisses him furiously. After the kiss...

"Do you have a condom?"

Ultra said "Aw, man!"

Lauren shrugged.

"It's okay, stud. I'm on the pill and we're both disease free. It's not like we've been with anyone else."

Ultra thought _Well, I did bang that slutty blonde without a condom but she doesn't need to know that. I'd know if I caught something._

They resume kissing and begin to peel each other's clothes off.

* * *

 **Thompson house, one week later...**

Ultra is playing video games when the doorbell rings. He pauses his game and gets up to answer the door.

 _It's Lauren!_

He opens the door. Lauren is standing there and looks VERY angry.

Ultra said "Hey, babe. What's up?"

Lauren menacingly hissed "We need to talk, NOW!"

Puzzled, Ultra asked "What's going on, babe?"

Lauren growled "Could you explain why I now have a rash between my legs!?"

"EEP!"

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

While Quinn is helping Daria recover from her surgery Jim assumes all parenting responsibilities with the boys. He soon finds himself in over his head.


	15. When Mom's Away

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 15**

 **"When Mom's Away"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Mayo Clinic, day...**

Daria is speaking with her oncologist reguarding her cancer. Quinn is there to provide support.

The doctor, a gray haired man in his fifties, said "So, after you recover from the hysterectomy we start you on chemo. Any questions?"

Blushing, Daria stammered "I...um...well...uh..."

Quinn stepped right up as she knew what her sister wanted to ask about.

"I think she wants to know how this will affect her sex life long term."

Daria gives Quinn a surprised look.

"What?"

Daria said "Remember high school, when you freaked out because you thought I did it with Tom?"

Quinn said "This is different. I'm here to ask the questions that you're afraid to."

The doctor said "Well, since we have to remove both of your ovaries as well as your uterus you will no longer be able to have children. Once the chemo is done we'll start you on hormone replacement therapy. Since you will still have a clitorus and vagina you should still be able to function sexually. The hormone therapy will also restore your libido. The after affects should be no different from menopause."

Daria's not sure what's weirder, the doctor talking about sex in such a clinical manner or Quinn being the one to ask the questions she won't dare.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in the bedroom preparing to call it a night. Jim asked "So, how did it go?"

Quinn said "She goes in for surgery tomorrow."

Jim said "How's Daria holding up?"

Quinn said "She's a wreck. I've never seen her so helpless."

Jim said "Well, a cancer diagnosis is a pretty big blow. Especially since treatment involves the female equivalent of castration."

Quinn said "I actually brought that subject up with her doctor. Hormone treatments should restore both her libido and her ability to function."

Raising an eyebrow, Jim said "You brought that up!?"

Quinn explained "Daria was afraid to. I can't say I blame her. It's all surreal. She was always the stronger one of us when we were little. I wish Mom and Dad were here, but they booked a trip to Asia and Australia the day they got home. I can't believe this."

Jim said "They did this while their daughter has cancer!?"

Quinn said "Before. By the time we all found out it was too late to back out. By the way, we need to talk."

Jim said "We are."

Quinn said "I meant about responsibilities. We still have a YouTube career and three sons to raise."

Jim said "Meaning?"

Quinn said "You're gonna have to assume full parenting responsibility. Between Daria and Smores 'n' Pores I'm gonna have my hands full for a while."

Jim gulps with dread. He's used to following Quinn's lead when it comes to the kids.

* * *

 **Mayo Clinic, the next day...**

Quinn is sitting in the waiting room and feeling nervous. Suddenly, she hears a voice.

"Quinn!?"

Quinn looks up and sees a blonde woman in her late twenties. Something about the woman seems very familiar, but Quinn can't place it.

"Do I know you?"

The woman said "You used to babysit me back in high school."

That's when Quinn recognizes the woman.

"Tricia!? Tricia Gupty! Ohmygod, how are you!?"

The two women hug.

Quinn said "I can't believe it! The last time I saw you you were just a little kid. Now look at you, all grown up."

Tricia said "Thanks, and it's Tricia Westwood now."

"Married!?"

Tricia nodded.

Quinn said "Me too."

Tricia said "I know. I watch your YouTube channel. What are you doing here?"

Quinn said "My sister's being treated for ovarian cancer. She's in surgery right now."

Tricia said "I hope she pulls through. I mean, you were a great sitter but your sister was so cool."

Quinn said "I know." _I just didn't see it back then._ "What are you doing here?"

Tricia said "My mom was treated for breast cancer last year. She's here for her follow up, just to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. How have you been?"

* * *

 **Sometime later...**

Quinn and Tricia are catching up on each other's lives.

"...and my friend Lindy gave birth to a baby boy just last week. He's the cutest little thing, too. Do you have any children?"

Tricia said "Not yet. Me and Brandon are thinking about it, though."

Quinn said "Speaking of family, how's Tad?"

Tricia winced at the mention of Tad. Quinn noticed.

"What's wrong?"

Tricia said "Tad fell in with a bad crowd in college. He got really heavy into drugs. I...I.."

Quinn put a hand on Tricia's shoulder.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me."

Tricia said "He's homeless. He dropped out of college. He spends all his time either getting high or begging and stealing money to pay for more drugs. Mom and Dad have pretty much given up on him. I try to help him. I visit the shelter often, hoping to run into him, and sometimes I do. Last time I saw him I offered to let him stay with me and Brandon. He said no. I can't help worrying about him."

Quinn felt bad. So bad that she got out a pen and paper and wrote something down on it. She handed it to Tricia.

"What's this?"

Quinn said "My phone numbers and e-mail, let me know if there's anything I can do."

Tricia asked "You're offering to help!? Why?"

Quinn said "Because I remember what a sweet kid Tad was. I wanna do what I can."

Tricia hugged Quinn.

"Thanks."

Just then, a doctor approached.

"Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn said "Yes."

The doctor said "Your sister's in post op now. The surgery went perfect. No complications and her prognosis is excellent."

Quinn and Tricia both smiled.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim is in the living room with Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Kevin Jr. is also with them. They're eating pizza and watching TV.

Kevin Jr. said "Thanks for letting me spend the night, Mr. Carbone."

Jim said "No problem."

Tommy asked "What's going on, bud?"

Kevin Jr. said "My sister's are all at slumber parties, Ultra's with Lauren and Dad's staying in a hotel."

Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Your dad's spending the night in a hotel."

Kevin Jr. said "He said Mom needed us all out of the house so she and Mr. Johnson could exercise."

Timmy said "Why is your Mom so into exercising with Daryl Johnson anyway?"

Kevin Jr. said "Mom wants to look good for Dad. She must really love him."

 **Meanwhile, at the Thompson house...**

 **Brittany:** (VO, from bedroom) "OH...YES...YES...OHGODDARYLYES...YESYESYES...GIVEITTOME...HARDER...F#$& ME HARDER...YESSSSSSS!"

 **Back at Casa Carbone...**

Jim thought _Kevin just doesn't get it, does he?_

At this point the doorbell rings. Jim gets up to answer. He opens the door to find Sandi all dolled up. She's wearing makeup and a black strap dress that hugs her curves and has a V low enough to show ample cleavage. The hem of the skirt is high enough that if she had to sit or crouch her panties would be in plain view and her shoes are high heeled sandals showing off her freshly pedicured toes. In short, she's dressed for a hot date that's expected to end in even hotter sex.

"Sandi, what are you doing here? Dressed like that?"

Sandi said "I know how to turn a man on."

Raising an eyebrow, Jim said "Uhh...What?"

In a seductive tone, Sandi said "I heard what happened, Jim. I'm here to make you feel.." her voice becomes especially erotic, "...better."

Jim, unsure what to make of this, asked "Sandi, what the hell are you talking about?"

Sandi said "Quinn left you. I came over to tell you it'll be okay, and I love you."

Freaked, Jim said "Quinn didn't leave me. She's at the hospital with her sister."

Inching uncomfortably close to Jim, Sandi said "Jim, I know it's tempting to be in denial, but you need to move on. I'm here to be with you."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "One, my wife didn't leave me. Two, I'm not cheating on her. Three, it's incredably disturbing that you're trying to seduce your best friend's husband. Four, the kids are home."

Sandi said "Quinn left you and the kids!? That's so wrong. Don't worry, I can be there new mother and your new lover."

Jim said "How many drinks have you had?"

Sandi said "Jim, I want you. I love you and I'll never leave you. I know how you feel. Let me heal your broken heart and your broken home."

He can smell the vodka on Sandi's breath.

"Sandi, go home and sleep it off."

Sandi grabs Jim and kisses him passionately. Before Jim can shove her off, however, she suddenly pulls away and looks sick.

"Ulp...glug...hic...gulp...BLEEEEEEEAAAAAACCCCHHHHHHHHHH!"

She pukes all over Jim. He is now VERY annoyed.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, a short time later...**

The front door opens. Jim comes in helping a visibly drunk Sandi. He decided to bring her home on account of she lives right across the street from Jim and Quinn. He helps her to the bedroom and sits her down on her bed. He then takes her shoes off.

"Th... _hic_...Thanks, Jim."

Jim said "Sandi, we need to talk. You can't keep doing this to yourself."

Sandi said "I...I'm sorry. I just wanted you so much and I thought Quinn left you. I love you."

Jim said "Sandi, this isn't love, it's desperation. You need to pull yourself together."

Sandi said "I can't help it, Jim. I'm in love with you."

Jim said "No, you're not. You're in a really bad place, have been since the divorce. What you're in love with is a romanticised ideal, not me."

Sandi asked "Do you love me?"

Jim said "As a friend, yes. Look, even if I wasn't married to Quinn I wouldn't become romantically involved with you."

Sandi looks like she's about to cry.

Jim said "Look, I'm not saying you're unlovable, but before you can find love you need to get out of this funk you've been in since Joey left. Even if you were in a better place I wouldn't hook up with you."

Sounding hurt, Sandi asked "How come?"

Jim explained "Several reasons, besides you being a train wreck right now. I love Quinn and I'm very happy in my marriage. I wouldn't leave her or cheat on her even if my life depended on it. You say you love Quinn as if she were your sister. What kind of person tries to steal away her sister's husband? Another reason is that I love you but not in a romantic way. I love you in the same way I love my kids and my brother. I consider you family and therefore being with you as a lover would feel utterly wrong. "

Sandi said "Jim, I...I want you."

Jim said "Sleep it off. I'll check on you in the morning."

Jim walks away. As he exits the bedroom...

"Jim."

He turns around. Sandi has removed the dress and is now only wearing thong panties. He can't help feeling a little turned on by the sight of a practically naked Sandi.

"Stay and make love to me."

Jim says nothing but runs out of the place as fast as he can. When he's gone Sandi crys.

"Why?...sniff...Why does everyone I love LEAVE ME!?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, less than a minute later...**

Jim approaches the front door. This latest turn of events has him thinking just one thing.

 _What next?_

He opens the door and is immediately horrified by the scene inside. Tommy and Kevin Jr. are having a food fight while Timmy is taunting the dog, Stripe, by holding Daria's cat, Godzilla, in front of her and playing keep away. The only one not acting up is Teddy. He's sitting in a corner reading Orwell's Animal Farm while trying to ignore the chaos all around him.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?"

The kids don't even acknowledge Jim as Tommy throws ice cream at Kevin Jr.

Ducking, Kevin Jr. laughed "Too slow, dude!"

Tommy then dodges a tomato thrown by Kevin Jr. The two are having fun, despite all the havoc they are wrecking.

Timmy, meanwhile, is taunting Stripe. He holds Godzilla in front of the dog and jeers "Come and get it."

The dog tries to grab the cat in her mouth but Timmy pulls the cat away.

"REEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!"

Jim finally shouted "TIMMY, STOP THAT!"

Timmy continues his horseplay. Finally, Jim snatches the cat from him.

"GIMMIE THAT!"

Stripe, having been teased to the point of seeing red, barks.

"ARF! ARF! GRRRRRRRRARRRRF!"

Spooked, Godzilla screeches and scratches Jim's face.

"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!"

Godzilla leaps off of Jim as Stripe jumps on him, causing him to fall on the floor. As the dog chases the cat, causing more destruction in the process, Tommy and Kevin Jr. see Jim on the floor.

"MAN DOWN!" Tommy shouted with delight.

Kevin Jr. shouted "LET'S FINISH HIM!"

Jim is now bing mercilessly pelted with food by Tommy and Kevin Jr. while Timmy cries.

"WAAAHHHHH...I WANTED TO PLAY SOME MORE WITH THE CAT AND DOG! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jim thought _First Sandi gets drunk and throws herself and now this. I've officially died and gone to hell!_

* * *

 **Mayo clinic, morning...**

Daria is in her hospital bed while Quinn keeps an eye on her.

Quinn asked "How are you feeling, sis?"

Daria deadpanned "Well, I've just had my womanhood surgically removed and I'm looking at a few months of constant pain and suffering, so I'm just perfect."

Quinn said "Daria, just because you can't have kids doesn't mean you're no longer a woman."

Daria said "Well, I still have my boobs. Problem is Kevin has boobs and that sure doesn't make him a woman."

Quinn is a little grossed out by the thought of Kevin's man boobs.

"Daria! Ewwwww!"

Before the conversation can continue, a ringtone comes from Quinn's purse. She get's her phone and sees her home number on it.

"I gotta take this."

She answers.

"Hello."

One the other end, Jim shouts "HELP ME! YOU GOTTA GET HOME, NOW!"

Panicked, Quinn said "Jim, what's wrong!?"

Jim said "Sandi got it into her head that you left me and tried to seduce me last night!"

"WHAT!?"

Jim continued "That's not even the worst thing that happened. The kids are out of control. They practically destroyed the house."

Quinn said "Have you punished them?"

Jim said "I don't know how? You've gotta get back here, the boys are eating me alive!"

Quinn rolled her eyes and said "Jim, you mean you can't handle the kids for one freaking night!?"

Jim said "I don't wanna beat them with a belt, but I don't know what else to do!"

Quinn said "Jim, we agreed no corporal punishment."

Jim said "That's why I'm stuck. You gotta...No...Tommy, DON'T PUT AUNT DARIA'S CAT IN THE MICROWAVE...Quinn, I need to call you back."

Quinn is now seriously worried.

 _I leave them alone for one night and everything goes to hell! Why me?_

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, the next day...**

A visibly distraught Jim is at the kitchen table talking to Chuck and Stacy. He's telling them about the situation with the kids.

"...so now I'm desperate and that's why I came to you."

Stacy said "So you really don't know how to discipline kids without abusing them!?"

Chuck asked "How did you get them to behave before?"

Jim said "I just blindly followed Quinn's lead. It was a perfect system, but now I'm in a situation where I have to take charge and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing."

Stacy said "Why not ask Kevin and Brittany? They live right next door."

Jim and Chuck give Stacy a 'are you kidding' look.

"I see your point." she said, "What about Chan and Ming?"

Jim said "Chan refuses to help. He said it's too much fun watching the kids walk all over me."

Chuck said "Sounds about right."

At this point, 9 year old Chucky walks by. With an expressionless face and a voice sounding like Butt-Head minus the moronic laughter he said to Jim "You don't know how to discipline kids."

He continues on his way.

Jim asked "How do you keep Chucky and Q from acting up?"

Chuck said "We...OWWW!"

Stacy kicked her husband under the table as she said "We don't."

Jim's eyes went wide.

"You don't!?"

Stacy said "Chucky and Q are just naturally well behaved."

Jim said "You can't be serious. Even the most perfect kids act up once in a while."

Stacy said "Ours don't." She looks at her watch. "I gotta go. I have a girls afternoon planned with Sandi and Tiffany."

With that, she got up and left. As soon as she's gone...

"Time outs."

Looking at Chuck, Jim said "What was that?"

Chuck said "I said time outs."

Puzzled, Jim said "But Stacy said..."

Chuck interrupted "She doesn't like admitting our kids aren't perfect."

Jim said "Go on."

Chuck said "When Chucky went through the terrible twos he was a nightmare to deal with. Now, my parents used to hit me when I misbehaved. Stacy's parents did the same with her but we both agreed we weren't gonna do that with our own kids. The problem is that it left us at a loss, just like you are now. Then we found the answer on an episode of Supernanny. Whenever the kids act up take them to a place that's boring and make them sit there for a certain amount of time. The boredom does more than a spanking or a smack upside the head ever could."

Jim asked "How long do I make them sit in time out?"

Chuck said "Depends on the severity of what they did."

Jim asked "Any suggestions on where to make them spend time out?"

Chuck said "Anyplace but their rooms. Rooms are a vacation, not a punishment."

Jim smiled and said "Thanks, man."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later...**

Jim is vaccuming the living room.

 _At least they aren't acting up now._

He finishes and shuts off the vaccum. Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

 _If that's Sandi here to make another pass I'm totally gonna lose my shit._

He answers the door and is immediately shoved aside by...Tony.

"About fuckin' time, you goddamn ingrate!"

With a groan, Jim asked "Dad, what are you doing here?"

Tony said "Heard your wife abandoned you to take care of that four eyed commie sister of hers. I wanted to see it for myself."

Jim said "Dad, she's gonna be back this evening."

Tony said "And she's to distracted to stop us from molding your boys into men. Now, let's toughen them up."

Jim said "Dad, I really don't like where this is going."

Tony backhanded Jim and barked "I'M IN CHARGE NOW, YOU INSUBORDINATE FAGGOT! NOW DROP!"

Jim said "Dad, this is MY house!"

Tony grabded Jim by the back of his neck and threw him to the floor.

"GIVE ME FIFTY, YOU COMMUNIST PUSSY!"

Jim has no choice but to start doing push ups as Tony holds him down with his foot.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim is now being subjected to an intense grilling by his father, Tony. The grilling includes insults.

Tony said "You giving those boys daily PT drills?"

Jim said "No."

Tony barked "How the hell are you gonna make men outta them, then?"

Jim rolled his eyes as he said "You know it is possible to be a man who isn't an athlete or a soldier."

Tony said "That kinda peacnik talk is why the rest of the world thinks they can motherfuck America to their hearts content. Obama turned us into a nation of pussies. Thank God for President Trump. That man's a blessing for this country."

Jim graons. The last thing he wants is a political debate that'll most likely end in a fisticuff.

Tony said "We need Trump. Obama proved what happens when you let the molignon* run things."

*(Molignon, pronounced Mool-in-yawn, is derogotory Italian-American slang for a black person.)

Jim groaned "Dad, can we PLEASE not get into that."

Tony gets right in Jim's face.

"DON'T BACK TALK ME, YOU FUCKIN' PUSSY!"

Jim flinches on instinct. Tony grins with satisfaction.

"Now, Jim, what are you doing when the boys get outta line? And the answer better be that you're throwing them a beating."

Jim said "I'm gonna try time outs."

Tony yelled "TIME OUTS!? YOU THINK THIS IS A GODDAMN GAME!? DID YOU LOSE YOUR BALLS AND GROW A PAIR OF TITTIES!?"

Jim starts to sweat for no apparent reason.

* * *

 **Mayo Clinic...**

Daria is at the main entrance in a wheelchair while Quinn gets the car. She appears to be struggling to stay awake.

 _Damn painkillers._

At this point, a white Cadillac sedan pulls up. Quinn gets out of the drivers side and opens the passenger side door.

"Ready to go home, sis."

Daria said "Baak...tooo...Neewww...Yoorrrrrkkk?" _Damn, these meds have turned me into Tiffany._

Quinn said "No, mine and Jim's home."

Daria gives her sister a questioning look but doesn't speak out of embarrassment. Quinn knows Daria well enough to know what she's thinking, though.

"Daria, you know I concider my house just as much your home as mine."

Daria smiles. She'd thank Quinn if it weren't for the pain medicine screwing up her speech. Quinn looks at a good looking guy who's passing by. She walks up to him.

"Hiiiii," she said in a flirty tone, "Could you help me get my sister into the car?"

Totally smitten, the guy said "Sure!"

Quinn smiles.

 _I've still got it._

The guy helps Quinn carry Daria from the wheelchair to the passenger seat of her car. Daria said nothing but thought _She can still make all men a slave to her every whim. I guess some things never change._

The guy next puts Daria's wheelchair into the trunk. Quinn hands him a piece of paper when he's done.

"Call me sometime."

Smiling, the guy said "Sure."

Quinn thought _Even though the number I gave you is fake._

With that, Quinn and Daria are off. The guy thinks _I'll call and ask her out when I get home._

Sucker.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone...**

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are in the downstairs hallway. Tommy and Timmy are playing keep away with Teddy's glasses. It's even harder on Teddy because, like his aunt before him, he's practically blind without his glasses.

"Hey, cut it out you two!"

Tommy said "Make us, brain."

He tosses the glasses to Timmy. This back and forth continues until...

"What's going on here?"

Before his question can be answered Jim catches the glasses in mid air and gives them to Teddy.

"Thanks, Dad."

Jim turns his attention to Tommy and Timmy.

"What the hell? You know your brother can't see without his glasses."

Tommy said "We were just having a little fun, Dad."

Jim said "Well, fun time's over. Follow me. You too, Timmy."

Timmy whined "But, Dad..."

Jim barked "Now!"

Both kids followed Jim into the office. An empty corner is marked off with neon tape.

Jim said "This is the time out corner. I want you both to sit there for ten minutes. No playing, no talking. You do either of those things and I'll add another ten minutes for each time you do. Now sit down and think about how you'd feel if someone took away your eyes and wouldn't give them back."

Tommy protested "But, Dad..."

Jim said "You just added another ten minutes to your time out."

Tommy folds his arms and grunts.

"Make that twenty."

At this point, Tony comes in.

"What's going on?"

Jim said "Tommy and Timmy were picking on Teddy, so I'm putting them in time out."

Tony angrily smacks Jim upside the head.

"YOU ANTI-AMERICAN PUSSY ASS FAGGOT! BEAT 'EM! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY'LL LEARN!"

* * *

 **Glenn Harbor, New York, 1988...**

A seven year old Jim is balled up on the floor crying in pain and terror while Tony savagely beats him with a belt.

"YOU..." whip "...GODDAMN..." whip "...BRAT..." whip "...THIS..." WHIP "...WILL..." WHIP "...TEACH..." WHIP "...YOU..." WHIP "...NOT..." WHIP "...TOO..." WHIP "...GET..." WHIP "...HANDPRINTS..." WHIP "...ON..." WHIP "...MY..." WHIP "...CAR..." WHIP.

* * *

 **Lawndale, 2019...**

Jim starts to hyperventilate as he remembers the incident.

"What're you waiting for!?" Tony barked "BEAT 'EM!"

"N...no...I.." Jim's hyperventilating intensifies.

Tony starts yelling in Jim's ear.

"DO IT, YOU GODDAMN PANSY!"

Jim now begins to sweat profusely as he becomes dizzy. Tony continues to yell.

"DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"

Jim now passes out.

Tony hissed "You goddamn sissy."

He takes his belt and approaches the boys. He grabs Timmy first.

"Time for a real punishment, you fucking brat!"

Tommy rushes at his grandfather.

"NO!"

Tony kicks Tommy off to the side and throws Timmy to the floor, hard. He then turns his attention to a terrified Tommy.

"TIME FOR A BEATING, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

He grabs Tommy and starts to beat him sensless with a belt while Timmy watches in horror. Jim remains unconscious. Suddenly...

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?"

Tony stops beating Tommy and looks up to find a VERY pissed off Quinn standing in the doorway.

"JUST GIVING THESE BOYS SOME DISCIPLINE! THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU, WOMAN!"

Approaching Tony, Quinn hissed "When I come home to find my husband unconscious and one of my sons terrified while my father-in-law beats the other one, it very much concerns me. Get the hell away from my kids...NOW!"

At this point, Jim regains consciousness and stands up.

Tony said "Jim, get your woman in line."

Jim gets right in Tony's face.

"No."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, INGRATE!?"

Jim said "I said no, Dad. And if you ever, EVER, raise a hand to my kids again I WILL fuck you up beyond repair."

Tony said "You can't do that. You're too much of a pussy."

Quinn runs over to Tommy and looks him over.

"Tommy, are you okay?"

Tommy said nothing. He hugged his mother and started crying. Timmy joins them.

"Mom, we were so scared!"

Quinn soothes both of her boys.

"It's okay, boys. I'm here. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Tony hollared "THEY NEED TOUGHENING UP!"

Jim gets right in his father's face.

"Dad, shut up and get out of this house...NOW!"

Tony smugly said "Or you'll do what, you pussy?"

At this point, something in Jim snaps. His expression is now pure rage.

"THIS!"

Jim punches Tony so hard that he immediately falls to the floor and passes out.

* * *

 **Master Bedroom, evening...**

Jim is telling Quinn the whole story.

"...so when Dad started in on me it brought back a lot of bad memories."

Quinn said "So, you tried to give the boys an appropriate punishment and he gave you a panic attack?"

Jim nodded. Quinn was not the least bit surprised as it's hardly the first time Jim's had a Tony induced panic attack.

Quinn said "So, how were you going to punish them?"

Jim said "I was going to make the boys sit in time out. In fact, that's what I was trying to do when Dad butted in. What would you have done?"

Quinn said "Grounded them for a month and taken away their comic books."

Jim said "I'm sorry. I just was totally lost. You're the disciplinarian, not me."

Quinn put a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder.

"You did fine. This is my fault."

Jim asked "How?"

Quinn said "I didn't consider that you have no experience parenting solo. I should've given you pointers for situations you might not have dealt with before."

Jim said "If anyone owes an apology, it's me. It occurs to me that when it comes to parenting I've just been coasting along while you do all the heavy lifting. I'm sorry for that. I'll try to be more involved in the future."

Quinn said "Jim, there's no parenting 101. You did the best you could. Besides, it's not like you scarred the boys for life."

Jim said "No, but my dad sure did."

Quinn asked "Why did you invite him over, anyway?"

Jim said "I didn't. He just showed up. I'd like to know how he found out about this situation, though, because I sure as hell didn't tell him."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Thompson house...**

Kevin is talking on the phone.

"Really!? Dude, that's twisted!"

On the other end of the line, Tony said "Yeah, my son's a total pansy. I try to help him out and he makes up this story about me beating his kids. Good thing you tell me everything."

Kevin said "Dude, you're, like, a war hero. Hero's never hit kids. It's, like, a fact."

Tony said "Exactly. Just keep telling me everything that's going on."

Kevin, feeling patriotic and totally unaware that Tony's manipulating him, said "I wouldn't be a good American if I didn't tell you everything."

Tony said "Just keep telling me these things, Kevin. It's the American thing to do."

Kevin said "Yes, Sergeant Major. Anything to honor a hero."

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

When a new Fashion Club starts making everyone's life hell, the originals reunite to teach them a lesson.


	16. Sandi The Betrayed Wife

**A Quick Note:** This chapter was going to be about a new Fashion Club at Lawndale High, but it wasn't coming together right so I wrote one about Sandi's marriage to Joey instead.

 **Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 16**

 **"Sandi The Betrayed Wife"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Sandi's House, day...**

Kevin is shoveling snow out of Sandi's driveway. He's just finished and proceeds to shovel the snow off the walkway leading to her front door. He passes by her kitchen window when he notices something that freaks him out. In the kitchen is Sandi playing trivial pursuit. What's weird is that her opponent is a mannequin with an enlarged photo of Jim Carbone taped over the face. Sandi smiled at the mannequin.

"You win again, Jim." Talking on a sultry tone, she added "Keep that up and I'll give you a lapdance with a VERY happy ending."

Kevin is now close enough to the window to hear what Sandi's saying.

 _Dude! This is, like, totally weird!_

Sandi walks over to the mannequin and kisses the picture of Jim.

"You are soooo.." she kisses the picture again, "...hot!"

She starts to straddle the mannequin when Kevin knocks on the window. With a start, Sandi leaps off.

"AHHHH!"

Kevin said "Like, what are you doing!?"

Sandi said "I was playing trivial pursuit with Jim."

"But," said Kevin, "That's just a mannequin with Jim's picture on it."

Sandi said "I love him and this is the closest I'll ever get to having him."

Kevin just stares blankly at Sandi.

"You don't understand," she said, "I get so lonely."

Kevin continues to stare in shock.

With a sigh, Sandi said "Please don't tell Quinn."

Freaked out, Kevin puts down the shovel.

"Uh, Sandi, I just remembered...um...well...uh, I gotta go!"

He leaves in an uncomfortable hurry. Once he's gone, Sandi turns her attention back to the mannequin.

"Would you like me to do a striptease?"

She turns on the stereo and begins to take her clothes off to the music.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later...**

Quinn and Daria are in the living room watching TV. Quinn sits on the sofa while Daria is in a wheelchair. On the TV screen is an image of a man down on one knee placing an engagement ring on a mannequin in a department store.

"He found love...in the womens fashion aisle! I Married a Mannequin, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Quinn asked "Where do they find these people?"

Daria answered "The local psych ward."

At this point, the door bell rings. Quinn gets up to answer. It's Sandi. She's wearing a black jacket over a red dress with a drooping V-neck with high heel sandals.

"Sandi, come in."

Quinn let's Sandi in and closes the door behind her. They make their way to the couch.

"Daria, how are you?"

Daria said "Well, I'm wheelchair bound until my incisions heel. After that I get to enjoy the wonderful world of hair loss and nausea. How about you?"

Sandi asked "Is Jim here?"

Thinking nothing of it, Quinn answered "He's at Kara's Wild Family Fun Center with the boys."

Sandi looks totally deflated, which Daria notices along with the fact that Sandi's dressed like she's either on a hot date or looking to go clubbing and hook up.

"Sandi, why are you wearing cheap perfume? Wait, no, that's just the smell of desperation."

Sandi sighs while Quinn shoots Daria a mean look. Sandi looks at the stairs and uses the opportunity to change the subject.

"Why did you staple plywood over the stairs?"

Quinn said "Makeshift ramp. Jim put it in so Daria could go up and down the stairs in her wheelchair."

Sandi said "He's such a good man. Any woman would be lucky to have him."

Daria said "Oh, Yeah. No alterior motives here."

Quinn said "Sandi, we need to talk."

* * *

 **The office, a minute later...**

Quinn is having a heart to heart with Sandi about her recent behavior.

"Sandi, what the hell?"

Sandi said "I...um...What do you mean?"

Quinn angrily said "Jim told me what you did while I was at the hospital with Daria."

Sandi said "I...I didn't mean anything by it. I thought you left Jim."

Quinn gets right in Sandi's face.

"And you wanted to be his rebound!?"

Hanging her head, Sandi said "Please, don't be mad at me."

Quinn shouted "YOU'RE PUTTING MOVES ON MY HUSBAND, HOW COULD I NOT BE MAD AT YOU!?"

Sandi said "I...I just wanted to prove I'm still desireable. Ever since...since..."

Sandi throws her arms around Quinn and cries uncontrollably on her shoulder.

"I... _sniff_...I've been so lonely... _sob_...a... _sob_...and I just wanted... _oh_..."

She can't get the words out. Quinn calms down and tries to soothe her friend.

"Sandi, the fact that Joey cheated on you and left you for another woman says nothing about you. All it proves is what a selfish jerk he was."

Sandi said "I...Who's gonna want a 37 year old divorcee?"

Quinn said "Look, you obviously need a confidence boost. You still have your looks."

Sandi said "Easy for you to say. Your life's perfect. You have a wonderful husband, three great kids and a family that loves you. I have no one, my family pretends I don't exist and my husband left me for a barely legal slut."

As Sandi continues to cry Quinn visibly feels bad for her.

"Sandi, why is it so hard for you?"

Sandi calms down.

"Quinn, the whole marriage was hard. We hadn't even gotten back from our honeymoon when it all started to fall apart."

* * *

 **Cancun, Mexico, 2012...**

Newlyweds Sandi and Joey Black are lounging on the beach soaking up the sun. Sandi's wearing a black string bikini while Joey's in board shorts. It's their honeymoon.

"Joey, this has got to be paradise."

Joey said "Anyplace with you is paradise to me, babe."

Sandi said "Joey, that's so sweet."

With that, they kiss. After the kiss something catches Joey's attention. That something is an olive skinned, raven haired beauty in a green bikini that leaves very little too the imagination. Joey stares lustfully at this woman as she walks by.

Sandi said "She's hot, isn't she?"

This snaps Joey out of his trance.

"Sorry."

Sandi said "Don't worry, I know you'd never cheat on me. Doesn't mean we can't get turned on by others. In fact, if I were single I'd approach her myself."

Remembering that his wife's bisexual, Joey said "Why don't we?"

Sandi immediately gives Joey a hostile look.

"God, why do guys always assume I'd be down for a threesome just because I'm into both sexes?"

Joey looks a little frightened until Sandi smiles.

"Had you going there for a second, didn't I? Relax, I know you were joking when you said that."

Joey breathes a sigh of relief.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I would later find out he was serious. It never once occured to me that he'd actually be expecting a threesome at some point just because I'm bisexual."

 **Quinn:** (VO, from present) "God, guys are such pigs about that. I told Jim about my bachelorette party and he seemed just a little too hopeful."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I gave in to the request eventually. Biggest mistake of my life."

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, six months later...**

Joey and Sandi are arguing.

"Dammit, Joey! I'm not sharing you with another woman!"

Joey begged "Sandi, please. It's not like I'd leave you for her."

Folding her arms, Sandi said "Absolutely not. I know I wouldn't be able to handle the sight of you f#$ someone else."

"Even if you get to do her too."

Sandi said "Joey, my answer is no. I don't even wanna think about it. Would you be able to handle me doing another man?"

Thinking, Joey said "No, I wouldn't. But this is different."

Sandi angrily said "No, it isn't."

Joey said "I have no problem with you doing a woman, though."

Sandi said "But I don't want to share you with anyone."

Joey looks thoughtful.

"How about if I just watch?"

Sandi now looks intrigued.

"What do you mean?"

Joey said "How about you and her go at it while I watch and she watches us do it? How's that sound?"

Sandi angrily said "I'm not some whore."

Joey said "Come on, Sandi. You get to be with a woman but still have your man. I'd do it for you."

Not entirely believing him, she said "You'd have gay sex with a guy for me."

Joey said "If it turned you on, yes."

Sandi looks thoughtful. Finally...

"Alright, but if I change my mind it's a no go."

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, a few evenings later...**

Sandi, Joey and a blonde woman are in bed. All three are obviously naked under the covers. Joey and the blonde are asleep while Sandi is awake.

 _That was so awkward. He kept trying to grab her, even though we agreed only I would have sex with her._

Sandi frowns.

 _I feel like such a dirty whore. Not only was the sex EXTREMELY awkward but I feel so cheap alternating between my husband and a woman I barely know._

She looks at her sleeping husband.

 _We're never doing this again! At least now, hopefully, he'll quit pestering me for a threesome._

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I'd hoped that'd be the end of it."

* * *

 **One month later...**

Sandi is at the offices of Grace, Sloan and Paige. She walks into the elevator.

 _I'll surprise Joey. A romantic lunch break is just the thing._

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I didn't know that woman was an intern at Grace, Sloan and Paige. I'll never forget what I saw that day."

Sandi is walking toward the office. She can't wait to see her husband. Images of romance float through her mind. She walks up to a closed office door.

 _Odd. Joey usually leaves the door open._

Sandi opens the door. Her eyes go wide with shock.

 **Blonde:** (VO, from inside) "OH...JOEY...YES...GIVEITTOME...HARDER!

Sandi shuts the door and looks totally devastated.

 _No...He...He's cheating on me! He's cheating on me with the girl we had a threesome with!_

Sandi runs away crying.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2019...**

Sandi and Quinn are in the office as Sandi tells the story. Quinn is horrified.

"Oh, Sandi! I can't imagine how horrible that was. I don't know what I'd do if Jim ever did something like that to me."

Sandi said "I couldn't believe it. Yes, since the threesome we'd been fighting, but I never expected that. I confronted him about it that evening."

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, 2013, evening...**

Sandi and Joey are eating dinner in awkward silence. It takes all of her self control to keep from leaping across the table and strangling him.

"I stopped by your work today."

Joey nearly chokes on his food upon hearing this.

"Y...You did!?"

Her eyes narrowing, Sandi said "Yes. I wanted to take you out to lunch."

Joey begins to sweat profusely. Sandi refuses to let up.

"I saw something. I...I..." the rage and hurt immediately boil over to the surface, "...I SAW YOU F#$% THAT SKANK WE HAD A THREESOME WITH LAST MONTH!"

Panicked, Joey said "Sandi, wait! I..."

Sandi throws her plate at Joey. He ducks it and it smashes on the wall behind him. She next runs right at him and starts punching and slapping him.

"YOU F#$&ING PIECE OF SHIT! HOW COULD YOU!?"

Shielding himself, Joey said "I DIDN'T MEAN TO! IT JUST HAPPENED!"

Continuing to pound him, Sandi screamed "IT JUST HAPPENED! IT JUST HAPPENED THAT YOU F#$&ED SOME BITCH BEHIND YOUR WIFE'S BACK!? HOW LONG, YOU SHITBAG!? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MAKING A FOOL OF ME!?"

Joey throws Sandi back.

"LOOK, IT JUST HAPPENED! AFTER THE THREESOME SHE STARTED FLIRTING WITH ME, TALKING AND DRESSING SEXY! SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS WORTH SOMETHING!"

Sandi shouted "AND I DON'T!?"

Joey took a deep breath before continuing.

"Look, we've been fighting. That threesome was a mistake. If I'd known how awkward it'd make things between us I never would've even suggested it. When she talked to me there was no awkwardness. It just felt natural."

Sandi growled "And you didn't think to talk to me about this. You thought it was a better idea to screw someone else!?"

Joey said "Look, one thing led to another and I got caught up in the moment. I never meant for it to happen."

Almost in tears, Sandi asked "Do you love her!?"

"WHAT!? No, Sandi. I love you. I made a terrible mistake."

She hissed "You cheated on me!"

Joey said "Look, I'm sorry. I should've talked to you about the awkwardness. I...I can't begin to describe how rotten I feel about this. I never meant to hurt you."

Sandi said nothing, but looks Joey in the eye.

Joey said "Sandi, I don't wanna lose you. I love you. I...I swear to Christ I'll never betray you again."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I never should've believed him. I should've filed for divorce then and there, but I couldn't. I still loved him."

Joey pleaded "Sandi, please. I know I screwed up. I love you. Please, forgive me."

Shaking, Sandi asked "How do I know this won't happen again?"

Joey said "Sandi, I know that if you keep me I'll have to prove that you can trust me. I'll do anything to get your trust back. I love you."

Sandi now smiles.

"I...I love you, too. Joey, promise you'll never do this again."

Joey said "If I'm tempted to stray again I'll tell you so we can work on our relationship. Just give me another chance. I swear I'll never stray again."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I never should've believed him, but I did."

* * *

 **Montage of the following two years...**

 **Music:** "No More Tears Left To Cry" by Ariana Grande

We see Sandi and Joey in couples therapy. You can tell Joey wants to be elsewhere. Next, we see Sandi and Joey arguing while Quinn and Jim's boys, who they're supposed to be babysitting, cry in the background.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "We tried to get past what happened. We fought a lot. We also rebuilt trust."

Next, we see Sandi and Joey on vacation in Costa Rica. They're rock climbing. Sandi falls but Joey grabs her and helps her up. This is followed by and image of them at the beach. Joey is checking out other women, which makes Sandi visibly uneasy. Next, a shot of them arguing. Then, a shot of their hotel room with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door, implying make up sex. Next, we see them having a romantic dinner at a five star restaurant. Sandi willingly looks the other way while Joey flirts with the waitress. Next, we see them argue in the parking lot. Whatever Joey said caused Sandi to calm down and feel reassured. This is followed by a scene of them walking in the park as they hold hands and look happy. Cut to a scene of them sleeping contentedly at night.

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, 2015, day...**

We see Sandi getting ready for work while Joey is still in his pajamas.

"You sure you don't want me to help take care of you, Joey?"

Joey said "I'm just under the weather. I'd rather be at work, you know that."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "He told me he was sick. I didn't question it, but I wish I had."

At this point, the phone rings. Sandi picks it up.

"Hello?"

A female voice said "Sorry, I must have the wrong number."

Whoever it was hangs up. Sandi looks puzzled.

"Weird. Some woman said she had the wrong number."

Joey, sounding suspicious, said "Oh, Thank...I mean, okay."

Sandi said "Well, I'm off to work."

"Have a nice day, sweetheart."

Once outside, Sandi hears the phone ring again. After two rings it stops. Since Joey's in the bedroom she slips back in through the front door. She goes to the kitchen, picks up the phone in there and listens.

 **Joey:** (VO, from phone) "The ball and chain went to work. We have the house to ourselves."

 **Female voice:** "Good. So, she bought your sick act?"

 **Joey:** "She's clueless. Give me half an hour to shower and dress."

 **Female voice:** "Can't wait, lover."

Sandi drops the phone and looks like she's about to vomit. Less than a minute later, Joey hangs up the bedroom phone and prepares to go into the bathroom. He gasps when he sees a visibly upset Sandi standing in the bedroom door.

"I heard her. I heard to whole thing."

She lunges at Joey and starts to smack him mercilessly.

"HOW COULD YOU!? YOU F &%ING BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU!?"

Shielding himself, Joey said "LET ME EXPLAIN..."

"WHAT!? YOU WERE GONNA HAVE HER IN OUR HOUSE! F&%* HER IN OUR BED! YOU BASTARD!"

Joey backhands Sandi so hard that she spins around and falls to the floor.

"DAMMIT, SANDI! WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM!?"

Sandi snapped "MY PROBLEM IS THAT YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME AGAIN!"

Joey said "SO!"

"So? SO!? YOU SONOFABITCH!"

She lunges at Joey. He smacks her again.

"Dammit, Sandi. You're a bisexual 33 year old ex-stripper. You think I'm not gonna have action on the side. This is just how we guys are."

Sandi hissed "I don't need this shit. I'm leaving you."

Joey played his trump card.

"And go where. You've been disowned by your family. All our friends have families of their own. Who'll take you in? You'll have to go to a shelter with all the other whores and junkies."

Sandi starts to calm down.

"That's right," said Joey, "You love me, don't you?"

Sandi nodded. Despite everything she still loved him.

"Sandi, just because I have another woman on the side doesn't mean I don't love you. I'll break things off. I won't do this again."

Shaking, Sandi said "Th...That's what you said the first time you cheated."

Joey said "Sandi, you don't wanna be an old maid, do you?"

Sandi shakes her head. Joey offers her hand.

"Then trust me when I say that I love you."

Sandi takes his hand.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "Despite everything, I still loved him. And he was right. It was either stay with him or be alone."

 **Quinn:** (VO, from present) "I should've done more. I didn't know the details, but I remember you and Joey spending the next two years fighting every night."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2016...**

Jim and Quinn are in the master bedroom trying to sleep.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from her house across the street) "I KNOW YOU WERE OFF WITH ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR WHORES, YOU TWO TIMER!"

 **Joey:** (VO, from across the street) "IT'S OVER BETWEEN ME AND HER, SANDI! NOW DROP IT!"

Jim tries to cover his ears with a pillow.

"Dammit, those two have been screaming at each other every night this week."

Quinn said "What I don't get is why she doesn't just leave him."

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, 2017...**

Quinn is visiting with Sandi. Sandi looks like her spirit has been broken.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "Remember when I finally told you what was going on?"

Quinn asked "Sandi, what's wrong?"

Nervous, Sandi said "What makes you think something's wrong?"

Quinn said "We can hear you and Joey fighting every night. Are you okay?"

Sandi said "I...I don't wanna talk about it."

Quinn said "Sandi, if you and Joey are having problems I wanna help."

Sandi sighed.

"He's cheating on me."

Quinn's eyes go wide.

"Oh, Sandi!"

Sandi said "I try and try to please him, to be a perfect wife, but he just keeps on screwing other women and expecting me to let it slide."

Quinn said "Sandi, I'm sorry. What are you gonna do?"

Sandi said "Keep trying. It's not like I have any choice."

"Sandi, you need to put your foot down. Tell him either he stops or you're leaving him."

"I can't leave him."

Quinn said "If he gave a damn about you he wouldn't do this to you."

"I...I..." Sandi starts to cry, "I still love him. Despite everything I still love him."

"Sandi," said Quinn, "You deserve better."

Sandi said "No, I don't. He cheats on me because I keep disappointing him."

Quinn said "Sandi, just leave him."

"I...I can't. I just can't."

Quinn looks sad.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2019...**

Sandi and Quinn are in the office talking about Sandi's failed marriage.

"I remember that conversation.," said Quinn, "You wouldn't leave him despite the fact that he was treating you like shit."

With a sigh, Sandi said "I just couldn't bring myself to accept what a disaster my marriage had become. After being disowned by my family and all of the shit that followed I thought I'd finally found happines when I married Joey. I was afraid of being alone again. I couldn't accept the fact that it was a mistake to marry him."

Understanding, Quinn said "I get it. You thought you'd finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel but it just turned into an even darker tunnel."

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, 2017, evening...**

Sandi is sitting alone at the kitchen table nursing a bottle of scotch. She looks at the clock. It's three in the morning and Joey still isn't home.

 _He didn't even call. Is he in another woman's bed? I can't take much more._

She takes another gulp of scotch. Fast forward to ten in the morning and a still waiting Sandi is asleep in her seat, having passed out from drinking. Suddenly, the door opens.

"Sandi, I'm sorry. Something came up at work."

He enters the kitchen and finds Sandi sleeping next to an unfinished bottle of scotch. He immediately shakes his wife awake.

"Sandi?"

Sandi wakes up and sees Joey.

"Wh...What time is it?"

"Ten."

Sandi yawned "Whe... _yawn_...Where were you?"

Joey said "Emergency at work."

Sandi immediately becomes angry as she doesn't believe him.

"Work emergency? Is that code for 'I was f# %ing someone else'!?"

Joey said "Sandi, you're drunk."

Sandi said "Maybe if you'd called and told me you'd be pulling an all nighter at the office!"

Joey immediately got defensive.

"Hey, don't put your insecurities on me!"

Sandi hissed "Considering how many times you've cheated over the years I've every right to be suspicious. Who? Who are you shacking up with now!?"

Joey lied.

"No one. Sandi, I know I've messed up more than once. Those days are over. I love you."

Sandi started to cry.

"N... _sniff_...no, you... _sob_...you don't."

Putting a hand on her shoulder, Joey said "Yes I do. How could you even think that?"

"Y... _sob_...You step out with other women... _sniff_...Why?"

Joey said "Look, I was selfish. I promise never again."

Sandi said "You always say that. I want you to actually mean it for a change."

Joey said "I do. I just had to handle an emergency at work. Some funds were missing from the corporate accounts, I swear." _Better than her finding out I spent the night in a motel with Misty._ "Look, I should've called. That's my only screw up this time, I swear."

Sandi said "Really?"

Joey said "I'm sorry for all the pain I caused. This time I really have changed. Please, I don't wanna lose you."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "I don't know why I believed him. I guess I just wanted it to be true so badly that I didn't dare dig any deeper."

Joey and Sandi hug.

 _Well,_ Joey thought, _At least this buys me some time to get everything in order._

* * *

 **Sandi and Joey's house, December, 2017...**

Sandi is happy as she tries on an outfit for an upcoming party.

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "Remember those last few months, Quinn?"

 **Quinn:** (VO, from present) "Yeah, Joey was working late almost every night. In light of what you'd told me I knew something was up. I didn't say anything because I didn't wanna upset you."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "Remember that Christmas Eve party you and Jim threw? That afternoon was when Joey dropped the bombshell."

Sandi hears the front door open. She excitedly exits the bedroom and goes to the living room. There, she finds Joey sitting down and placing a stack of papers on the coffee table.

"Joey, how was your doctor's appointment?"

With a solemn look, he said "Sandi, we need to talk."

Nervous, she sits down.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

Joey said "I have a confession to make. I wasn't at a doctors office."

Sandi said "Since it's Christmas Eve I suspected as much. You went to get me a surprise gift, didn't you?"

Taking a deep breath, Joey said "Actually, no."

Sandi turns white as a sheet.

"Look, Sandi," he said, "I need to tell you the truth. I've met someone else. Her name's Misty Andrews. She's a freshman at Lawndale State."

Sandi gasps and looks as if she was just stabbed in the gut.

Joey continued "Look, me and Misty are in love. So in love that I need to see it through." He points to the stack of papers on the table. "We have to end things."

Sandi looks at the papers. Her eyes go wide.

"Divorce papers!?"

Joey nodded.

"Sandi, I love Misty. I need this."

"But...but..."

Joey said "Look, all I'm asking for is my car and my clothes. I'm letting you keep the house and everything else. Look at the alimony clause."

Sandi looks and her eyes go wide again.

"This is half of your income!"

Joey said "I still love you, Sandi. The problem is that I love Misty even more."

Sandi angrily throws the papers down on the desk.

"So you're just leaving me!? JUST LIKE THAT!?"

Joey said "Look, I know it hurts. Maybe things won't work out with Misty, but I need to at least try."

Hurt beyond description, Sandi said "WHAT ABOUT ME!?"

Joey said "Look, just sign the papers so we can both get on with our lives."

Sandi shouted "YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST HAND YOU OVER TO YOUR LATEST PIECE OF TAIL!?"

Calmly, Joey explained "She's not like the others. I love her. I love her so much that I'll continue to be with her no matter what you do."

"I'M NOT SIGNING THE PAPERS!"

"Sandi," Joey begged, "I'm letting you have everything. What more do you want?"

Sandi hissed "I want us to stay married and I want you to stop cheating on me."

Joey said "Sandi, I love Misty. Don't you want me to be happy?"

Sandi now looks unsure.

"Look," said Joey, "If things don't work out with Misty I'll come back to you. Just sign the papers. If it doesn't work with her we can get back together and remarry. Maybe we'll get it right the second time."

Sandi said "You really want this?"

Joey nodded.

Sandi said "You promise you'll come back if it doesn't work out with her?"

Joey said "I promise. I only want a divorce in case it does work out with Misty."

"If I don't sign?"

Joey said "Then we're looking at a nasty court case that could drag on for years."

 **Sandi:** (VO, from present) "Against my own desires, I signed the divorce papers. I haven't seen or heard from Joey since then."

Once the papers are signed Joey takes them and kisses Sandi on the forehead.

"Goodbye, Sandi. If it doesn't work with Misty I'll come back."

With that, he left. As soon as he's gone Sandi breaks down and starts crying.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve, 2017...**

The party is in full swing. Sandi is sitting alone in the kitchen nursing a glass of Amaretto and looking totally devastated. Quinn approaches her.

"Sandi, what's wrong?"

Sandi bitterly replied "Joey left me today. He showed me divorce papers and made me sign them."

She angrily slams back the rest of the glass before pouring herself another.

"Oh, Sandi!" said Quinn, "I'm so sorry."

Sandi starts crying. Stacy approaches.

"What's wrong?"

Quinn explained "Joey left her today."

Stacy gasped.

"My God! What happened!?"

Sandi said "He... _sob_...He said he's in... _sniff_...in love with someone else."

She resumes crying

"That piece of shit!" Stacy hissed.

Putting a hand on Sandi's shoulder, Quinn said "It'll be okay, Sandi."

Doing the same, Stacy said "We're here for you, Sandi."

Sandi turns around and pulls Quinn and Stacy into a group hug.

"Thank you."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, present day...**

Sandi finishes telling Quinn her story.

"Now you know everything."

Quinn said "I knew alot of this before."

Sandi said "I know, but still..."

Quinn nods in understanding.

"You needed to talk about it."

Sandi nodded.

"It kind of just all came out. Thanks for listening."

Quinn said "Any time, Sandi. You don't need to throw yourself at everyone who's nice to you or drink and wallow in self pity. You just need to talk to someone."

Smiling, Sandi said "You know, I actually feel better."

"See," said Quinn, "As cliche as it sounds talking does help. I'm always willing to listen. Maybe that's what you've been needing all this time."

Sandi looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Lawndale High, evening...**

Sandi is standing in front of a classroom door. She stares at it for a long time. On it is a taped sign that reads "Divorce Support Group Meeting".

 _Well_ she thought _I'm not sure. Can these people really understand what I've been through. Yes, we're all divorced, but can they understand how all the shit I went through before my marriage affected me._

Just then, a blond woman in her 20's approaches.

"Excuse me, are you here for the divorce support group?"

Sandi said "Yes."

The woman said "Me too."

Sandi said "I'm a little unsure. I've been a wreck."

The woman said "So have I. That's what this is for, so people like us know we aren't alone."

Sandi said "I'm also a wreck because of things other than the divorce. I...Well, let's just say I have abandonement issues."

The woman said "That's actually normal. I actually got married to cope with my other issues. That's why it didn't last. You'd be surprised how many of us there are in the group. My name's Lisa, by the way."

Sandi shakes her hand.

"Sandi Griffin, again."

"Well, just let it all out when we're in there. That's what these meetings are for."

With that, Lisa enters the classroom. Sandi takes one last look at the door.

 _Here goes nothing._

Sandi enters the classroom.

 **End.**


	17. Upper Crass

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 17**

 **"Upper Crass"**

 **Offices of Grace, Sloan and Paige, day...**

Tom Sloan is sitting in his office when he recieves a message on his intercom. Pressing talk, he said "Yes?"

On the intercom his secretary said "Mr. Sloan, Mr. Wang is here."

"Send him in."

After a few seconds Chan Wang enters the office.

"You wanted to see me, Mr. Sloan."

Tom smiles politely.

"Have a seat, Chan. And, please, call me Tom."

Chan smiles widely.

 _Yes! I on first name basis with CEO!_

Taking his seat, Chan said "What going on, Tom? How your family?"

Tom said "They're good. In fact, that's the reason I called you in. I understand your daughter is in the same class as my son."

Chan said "She is. Very bright girl."

"I'll get right to the point, Chan," said Tom, "My son has trouble making friends. According to my wife it's because the other kids are jealous of our families money."

Chan knows it's really because Shane's a bully, but he makes no effort to correct Tom's assumption.

"I think so too."

Tom asked "How well does Michelle do in school?"

Chan bragged "She straight A student. Always make honor roll. Also, she gifted music prodigy."

Tom said "In addition to his difficulty making friends Shane has also been sturggling academically. I think your daughter could be a positive influence on my son. I was hoping we could arrange for them to hang out. If Shane has a friend who's also an academic achiever it might help with both his grades and his social problems."

Chan said "I agree. Shane good boy."

Tom said "I would be extremely grateful if our kids became friends. It would also be nice if we could be friends outside of work."

Chan smiles.

 _Winged Tree Country Club, here I come._

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, the next day...**

At the playground the first and fourth graders are at recess. Teddy Carbone and Michelle Wang are sitting on a bench and talking.

"So," said Michelle, "What would you do with the hostages once you have a plane?"

Teddy said "I don't know."

Michelle suggested "Why not take them with you? Party plane all the way to Iraq."

Teddy said "Well, I'm not into partys but if it keeps the Air Force from trying to shoot me down."

The two kids laugh.

Teddy said "I know you have piano practice after school but do you wanna come over and hang out after?"

"I can't," Michelle said in an apologetic tone, "I have to hang out with Shane Sloan."

Puzzled, Teddy said "I thought you hated Shane."

Michelle said "I do, but my dad's making me be friends with him."

"You're kidding!"

Michelle said "I wish. My dad wants to get in Mr. Sloan's good graces so he's forcing me to hang out with Shane."

Teddy nodded in understanding.

"Sounds right."

Michelle said "Maybe we can hang out this weekend."

Teddy said "Sounds like a plan."

At this point, Shane approaches them. He's accompanied, as usual, by Al and Lou.

"Hey, Michelle, why are you hanging out with this weirdo?"

Annoyed, Michelle said "Gee, I don't know. Might have to do with the fact that he's my friend."

Shane said "I want you to ditch that loser and hang out with us...now."

Michelle scrunches her nose in disgust.

"No way. I prefer to hang out with people who aren't entitled assholes."

Shane smirks.

"Gee, I would hate to tell my parents you punched me and stole my lunch money."

Michelle angrily said "But I didn't mug you for your lunch money."

Shane said "That's why I'd hate to tell my parents you did."

He smirks while both Teddy and Michelle frown. Shane's got Michelle dead to rights and he knows it.

"Fine!" Michelle grudgingly huffed.

With that, Shane, Al, Lou and Michelle walk away. Michelle lets out a frustrated sigh. Shane looks back at Teddy and gives him the finger. Next, Teddy is approached by Chucky Ruttheimer.

"Your friend ditched you."

Chucky continues on his way.

* * *

 **Wang house, afternoon...**

In the living room, Ming is chatting with Tori Sloane (nee Jericho).

"...and Mr. Vanderlind was caught having an affair with a 19 year old. I heard his wife's been getting even by screwing the pool boy."

Ming insincerely said "That nice."

Meanwhile, Michelle and Shane are in Michelle's room. Michelle is trying to at least pretend she wants Shane there as she shows him around.

"...an this is my Yo Yo Ma poster."

Shane said "That's lame. I'm bored."

Michelle angrily said "Look, I don't like this either. What's your problem?"

Shane said "Only geeks are into art and classical music."

Michelle said through gritted teeth "Hence why I prefer hanging out with Teddy Carbone."

Shane said "Come on, let's go do something cool."

"Such as?"

Shane said "Let's egg a house."

Michelle said "That's vandalism!"

"So?"

Michelle said "I'm not doing it."

Shane said "Then I'll tell my mom you made fun of me."

Michelle emits a defeated sigh.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a few minutes later...**

Quinn is making a Smores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. She is dripping batter into a cupcake tray. Once done, she turns her attention to the camera.

"Okay, we can use what's leftover as an exfoliant.."

The sound of something hitting the front door gets her attention.

"What the hell?"

She shuts off the camera and walks to the front door.

* * *

 **Outside...**

Shane is throwing eggs at the house while a visibly uncomfortable Michelle watches. Shane hands her an egg.

"Go on."

Michelle said "No way."

Shane said "Then I'll tell my mom you made me sneak out and egg this place."

"But you're the one who made me sneak out to egg a house!"

Shane said "So, egg the house or I'll tell my parents you bullied me."

Michelle reluctantly throws the egg. Quinn comes out just in time to get hit in the face with the egg.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Michelle gasps in terror while Shane smirks.

* * *

 **Inside, a few minutes later...**

Quinn has finished washing the egg off of her face. Now she's giving Shane and Michelle a stern talking to.

"Why did you egg my house?"

Faking tears, Shane said "I didn...sniff...didn't want too." He points at Michelle, "S..She made me."

Quinn doesn't buy a word of it.

"Michelle, what really happened?"

Michelle said "My parents are forcing me to hang out with Shane. He made me do it."

Shane sobbed "S...sniff...She's l...sob...lying! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Quinn said "Cut the crap, Shane. I know fake crying when I see it."

Michelle said "I'm sorry, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn said "Do either of your parents know what's going on?"

"No." said Michelle.

"Come on."

Shane asked "Where are we going?"

Quinn said "I'm taking you back next door and telling both of your parents what you just did."

Michelle gasped "Mrs. Carbone, please don't!"

Shane said "Go ahead, see if I care."

Quinn said "If you were my son, Shane, I'd ground you for life."

Shane shrugged dismissively.

"Whatever."

* * *

 **Wang house, a few minutes later...**

Quinn has just told Ming and Tori what's been going on.

"Michelle," Ming barked, "What wrong with you!?"

Tori calmly said "Shane, this isn't like you at all."

Quinn, Ming and Michelle all roll their eyes upon hearing that.

Michelle said "Shane pressured me into egging Mrs. Carbone's house."

Turning to his mother, Shane said "Mommy, she's lying! She made me do it. I tried to talk her out of it and she threatened to beat me up."

He starts fake crying.

"I...sniff...I just wanted her to like me. WAAAHHHHH!"

Tori rushes over to him and hugs him.

"It's okay, Shane. I know you didn't mean too."

Ming said "Tori, you not seriously buying this!"

Tori said "It's always like this. The other kids always make Shane do things he knows are wrong."

Quinn said "With all due respect, I know that's not true."

"Muh...sniff...Mommy," Shane fake sobbed, "Mrs. Carbone hates me! WAHHH!"

Tori said "It's okay, sweetie. Let's go. I'll get you an ice cream."

Tori turns her attention to Ming.

"I hope you punish Michelle for what she did."

With that, Tori and Shane left.

"Ming," said Quinn, "I happen to know what a manipulative brat Shane is. He definitely pressured your daughter into egging my house."

Ming said "I know. Michelle, no video games for one week."

Hanging her head, Michelle said "Sorry, Mom. Sorry, Mrs. Carbone."

* * *

 **Wang house, evening...**

The Wang's are in the living room. Ming has just told Chan what happened. His reaction is what one would expect.

"HA! You prank idiots next door good, Michelle."

Ming said "Chan, what the hell!?"

Chan said "You no understand. I on first name basis with Tom now. One step closer to joining my equals at Winged Tree. No more making nice with guido neighbor and his dumb Texas hillbilly wife. We moving up in world."

Michelle pleaded "Dad, Shane's a spoiled brat and a bully."

Chan barked "He still better than Teddy Carbone. That whole family losers."

Ming angrily said "Quinn my friend."

Chan said "We make better friends. Sloan's rich."

Ming said "You think Quinn hillbilly only because she come from Texas and Jim guido because he have Italian last name."

Michelle added "Yeah, Dad. Teddy's my best friend."

"Not anymore, he not. You now best friends with Shane Sloan."

Michelle said "Shane's a bully."

Chan said "No, he social better. Ming, don't you want rich friends. This chance for whole family to move up."

Ming said "Tori seem nice. She spoil her son rotten, but she nice."

"See," said Chan, "Michelle, I forbid you being friends with Teddy Carbone. We too good for that trash now."

Michelle said "But Teddy and I have all the same interests."

Chan barked "You speak to Carbone boy again I ground you until you go to college. Shane your best friend now. End discussion."

Michelle and Ming both frown.

* * *

 **Sloan mansion, day...**

Tom is showing his study to Chan. Chan is visibly impressed by the volume of books.

"You well read, Tom."

Tom said "Thanks, Chan. I try."

Chan grabs a random book. It's a collection of works by Mark Twain.

 _Mark Twain stupid redneck_ Chan thought as he said "You like Mark Twain? Me too."

Tom said "His works are classics of American literature."

Chan thought _Mark Twain stupid hillbilly_ but said "He genious."

Tom said "Not to change the subject, Chan, but I need to ask you a favor."

"Anything, friend."

"It's like this," said Tom, "Grace, Sloan and Paige needs to cut costs. Due to our current volume of business we can't lay anyone off and cutting pay would raise too much of a stink. Also, I believe in paying a fair wage. Any ideas?"

Chan suggested "Cut benefits."

Tom said "We can't cut insurance. We're required by law to provide it and contractually obliged to keep the current plan for another five years."

Chan asked "What about pension?"

Tom said "It won't cut costs to do that. The pension is funded by deductions from paychecks."

Chan suggested "End pension and keep money."

Tom looks thoughtful.

"Of course. If we end the pension and use the money the employees have put in to pad the corporate account we can increase executive pay. But will our employees go for it?"

Chan said "They keep more future money. Company more important."

Tom likes the idea.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in Shane's room...**

Shane and Michelle are playing a round of Mortal Kombat. Michelle has just beat him again.

"You cheated!" Shane blurted out.

Michelle asked "How?"

Shane said "You beat me."

"That's not cheating," said a frustrated Michelle.

"But Al and Lou let me win."

Michelle groaned "I'm not one of your lackeys. Look, why don't we do something else?"

Shane looks at the phone and grins.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone...**

Quinn and Jim's assistant, Giselle, is doing some paperwork when the phone rings. She answers.

"Hello?"

On the other end is Shane. He has a balloon and needle in one hand while a visibly uncomfortable Michelle looks on. He fakes crying as he talks.

"I...sniff...Is this...sob...the suicide hotline...sniff...?"

Puzzled, Giselle said "No."

Shane sobbed "AAAH...I...sob...I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT...WAAAAHHHHHHH!"

With that, he pops the balloon and drops the reciever. Giselle thinks she just heard someone shoot themself.

"OHMYGOD! ARE YOU OKAY!?"

No answer. Giselle freaks.

"OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD!"

Laughing, Shane picked up the phone and said "YOU JUST GOT PUNKED!"

He hangs up.

Michelle said "Shane, that was mean!"

Shane said "Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?"

Michelle is very unimpressed.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the sitting room...**

Ming and Tori are chatting over tea.

"So," asked Ming, "How you meet Tom?"

Tori said "I always had a thing for gossip. After graduating from Lawndale State I took a job as the society columnist for the Lawndale Herald. I met Tom at a function I was covering and we just hit it off."

"You still gossip columnist?"

Tori shook her head.

"No. In order to marry Tom I had to quit my job due to conflict of interest. I'm a stay at home mom now. Good thing I married into the top one percent."

She laughs while Ming looks uncomfortable. It's obvious that Tori's more in love with Tom's money than with him.

"Enough about me.," Tori said, "Let's talk about you? I can't imagine how hard it was for you to grow up under communist oppression."

Ming said "What you mean? My father supreme general in Red Army. I do what I want get away with it no problem."

Tori asked "Then why'd you leave China?"

Ming said "My parents never like Chan. After I marry him my father call in favors and have us deported."

Just then, the phone rings. Tori answers.

"Hello, you've reached the Sloan residence."

On the other end a pissed off Jim said "I should've known."

Tori said "What's that supposed to mean, Mr. Carbone?"

Jim said "Your son just prank called mine and Quinn's assistant. I called the number."

Offended, Tori said "Excuse me! What makes you think it was Shane? He's a good boy."

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Look, I know what Shane's like. You can't keep burying your head in the sand about this."

Tori hissed "HOW DARE YOU! How dare you call and make a wild accusation!"

She angrily hangs up.

"The nerve of that man!"

Ming asked "What going on?"

Tori said "Jim Carbone just called and accused Shane of prank calling his assistant."

Remembering that Michelle and Shane are hanging out, Ming called out "MICHELLE! YOU AND SHANE COME TO SITTING ROOM, PLEASE!"

A minute later, Shane and Michelle enter.

Tori said "Mr. Carbone just called and said you pranked his assistant."

Faking remorse, Shane said "It was Michelle."

Michelle said "No, it wasn't."

Ming angrily said "Michelle, what get into you."

Michelle said "Shane prank called the Carbones. I tried to talk him out of it."

Shane turns to Tori and makes with the crocodile tears.

"Muh...sniff...Mommy, sh...sob...she's lying. She prank called. I did...sniff...didn't want to. I tried to stop her but sh...sniff...she said we weren't friends if I didn't let her. I just...sob...I JUST WANT HER TO LIKE ME! WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tori gives Ming a hostile look as she hugs her crying son.

* * *

 **A short time later...**

The Wangs are driving home. An angry Chan drives while an upset Ming sits in the front and a sad Michelle sits in the back.

"Michelle," Chan barked, "I very disappointed in you. You make us look bad in front of Sloans."

Ming said "Shane prank call Carbones. Michelle do nothing wrong."

Chan said "How we escape mediocre existence if Sloans no like us?"

Ming said "They spoil Shane rotten."

Chan said "They rich. That what count. Don't you want to get into Winged Tree?"

"Yes," said Ming, "But not like this."

Chan said "This good for family. Better than peasant neighbors."

Ming said "Michelle miserable."

"No matter," said Chan, "She thank me when she old enough to see our neighbors for worthless trash they are."

Both Ming and Michelle groan in frustration.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone...**

At the kitchen table Ming is explaining the situation to Daria, Quinn and Jim.

"Chan being totally unreasonable. He want in with Sloans so bad he make me and Michelle miserable to do it."

Jim said "Sounds like him."

Daria deadpanned "Because what good are real friends when you can have rich ones instead."

Quinn asked "What's Chan's problem with us anyway?"

Ming explained "He social climber, always has been. He think only rich people worth anything."

Just then the doorbell rings.

Jim said "I'll get it."

He answers the front door. It's Chan.

"Out of my way, monkey boy. Where my wife?"

He shoves Jim aside and makes his way to the kitchen. Jim let's out a frustrated sigh.

"Ming, what you doing here?"

Ming said "I visiting my friends."

Chan barked "We too good for them."

"No you aren't," said Jim, "Try judging people by something other than net worth for a change."

Chan got in Jim's face.

"SHUT UP, STUPID GREASE MONKEY!"

Ming hissed "Chan, don't insult neighbors!"

Chan said "Neighbors beneath us."

Ming spat back "No, they not."

Chan asked "Where Michelle?"

Ming looks nervous. Quinn speaks up.

"She's upstairs watching TV with Teddy."

Chan's eyes go wide.

"AAAGGGHHHH! NO!"

Ming said "Teddy her best friend and Quinn mine."

Chan said "You no understand. I need move up in world. I already try marrying into upper class and it no work. Ming's family disown her."

Ming now becomes angry. She and Chan start yelling at each other in Mandarin while Quinn, Jim and Daria look VERY uncomfortable.

* * *

 **Wang house, evening...**

Chan emerges from the master bathroom in his pajamas. Ming is already in bed and she looks pissed.

"Ming," said Chan, "I know we have big fight today but let's put it behind us. You up for hot make up sex?"

Ming's only response was a curt "No."

Undeterred, Chan tries to get into bed when Ming shoos him away.

"Ming, what wrong?"

Ming said "I no share bed with selflish asshole. You sleep on sofa!"

Chan pleads with his wife.

"But, Ming..."

Ming hissed "You put own ambition ahead of wife and child!"

Chan said "I do this for good of family. We need get in tight with Sloan's."

Ming said "No, you need. I perfectly happy with friends we already have."

Chan said "But Quinn Texas white trash and Jim New York guinea!"

Ming said "I only one ever sacrifice in this marriage. I choose you over my country AND my family, I let you upset neighbors in San Francisco to point that they try to lynch us, I no complain when your mouth get you fired in Seattle and I come with you to New Jersey after homeowners association chase us out of San Diego. When it end? When you in country club while everyone hate us? When Michelle so resentful she sooner die than speak to her own father?"

Chan growled "I sacrifice too. I put up with whitewashed neighbors in Chinatown, I deal with snotty homeowner association in San Diego, I tolerate idiot neighbors in Lawndale."

"You think everyone beneath you, that your problem."

"No, it not. Everyone we know stupid. Now, let's not fight, my lotus blossom."

Ming points to the door.

"Sofa! NOW!"

Chan mutters a defeated sigh before leaving the bedroom.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a few days later...**

Teddy and Michelle are hanging out in Teddy's room. Michelle is telling Teddy what's going on.

"...so Mom's been forcing Dad to sleep on the couch."

Teddy understands.

"My mom only makes Dad sleep on the couch when he's done something REALLY stupid."

Michelle said "My point, exactly."

At this point Daria enters. She's in a wheelchair as she's still recovering from her operation.

"Is this a private party?"

Teddy said "Hey, Aunt Daria."

Michelle said "Hello, Miss...What's your last name?"

"Morgendorffer, but you can just call me Daria."

Daria wheels up to them.

"What's going on?"

Michelle said "Just talking about what a jerk my father is."

Teddy added "In short, the usual."

Daria said "Reminds me of how me and Jane used to hang out."

"Who?" asked Michelle.

Daria answered "Jane Lane, you remind me of her. She's been my best friend since high school."

Michelle asked "Did her dad ever force her to ditch you and hang out with the class bully."

"Her dad was out of country 99.9% of the time. In fact, the only member of her family who was ever really around was her brother, Trent."

Michelle bitterly replied "I should be so lucky."

Daria quipped "Until the abandonement issues set in."

Teddy said "What I don't get is why Mr. Wang wants to be friends with Mr. Sloan."

Daria explained "I think it's because Tom's on the membership committee at Winged Tree. I don't think Mr. Wang gives a damn about Tom beyond that."

Michelle said "You knew Mr. Sloan back in high school, right?"

Daria said "Dated him senior year. Why?"

Michelle asked "What was he like?"

Daria thinks it over.

"He was complicated. A rich kid who wished he was a regular kid. He dated Jane before he met me. She liked him for the same reasons I did. The problem is that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't escape the fact that he was born into the richest one percent and that set his life on a pre-determined course. I think he's still trying to break that mold with his own son. That's why Shane attends public school instead of Fielding. Tom needs to maintian certain illusions about himself in order to function. That's both what attracted me to him and what eventually drove me away."

Michelle looks thoughtful.

"Makes sense. What I don't get is how my mom forcing my dad to sleep in the living room helps things."

Teddy said "Because since the dawn of time women have kept men in line by either using sex as a reward or witholding it as a punishment. It's a good thing, too, otherwise we'd still be lounging in trees scratching our privates and hurling our feces at each other."

Daria flashes her trademark half smile.

"I like the way you think."

* * *

 **The next day...**

Quinn is in the kitchen wrapping up her latest "S'mores and Pores" video. She faces the camera.

"...and that's how you make a perfect cherry pie. Join me next time for how to make moisturizer out of tiramisu on "S'mores and Pores", cooking good while looking good. Don't forget to like and subscribe."

With that she shuts the camera off. The doorbell rings. Quinn goes over to answer. It's Chan, and he's visibly upset.

"What you do to my wife!?"

Quinn said "Excuse me!?"

Chan barked "My wife make me sleep on couch and it all your fault!"

Quinn said "How is it my fault?"

Chan said "She talk to you before making me sleep on couch until I stop trying to get in good with Tom Sloan!"

Quinn said "All I did was listen to her complain. I didn't tell her to do anything."

Chan finally lets out a defeated sigh.

"I...Ming never this mad at me before. I no understand why."

"It's obvious why she's mad." said Quinn, "You're putting your own needs ahead of your wife and daughter."

Chan said "But, I need move up in world."

Quinn said "Even if it costs you your family?"

"You no understand," said Chan, "I no prove myself I loose family."

Quinn is now very curious.

"What makes you think that?"

Chan explained "Ming's father never approve of me. He tell me she too good for me. I marry her and he have us deported."

Quinn said "So? Jim's father hates me with every fiber of his being."

"You American," said Chan, "No way you understand."

"Understand what?"

Chan explained "Chinese culture very hiearchal. Ming from higher class than me. Her father party official while I from working class. I need to prove worth to Ming."

Now, Quinn understands.

"You're a social climber because you think you don't deserve Ming. You want to move up to prove that you're good enough for her."

Chan nodded.

Quinn asked "Has it occured to you that she already considers you good enough?"

Chan asked "I lower class."

Quinn said "Think about it. If Ming didn't think you were good enough would she have married you in the first place? Would she have come with you to America, abandoning her family in the process? Would she have had your child? Maybe social status doesn't matter to her as much as it does to you."

Now, Chan looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Wang house, evening...**

Ming is in the living room watching TV. Chan comes in.

"Ming, we need talk."

Ming asked "About?"

Chan said "Way I been acting. I sorry."

Skceptical, Min asked "You even know what you apologise for?"

Chan said "Making you and Michelle miserable in order to get in good with Sloan's."

Ming shakes her head.

"That only part of problem. You treat everyone like they nothing. You put social climbing over everything."

"I know," said Chan, "I sorry for that. You want know why I do it?"

Ming said "Because you snob."

"No," said Chan, "To prove I worthy of you."

Now, Ming listens intently.

Chan explained "You from higher class than me. I get really lucky when I get you. If I no move up then why you stay with me?"

Ming explained "I no care about that. I no like uptight snobs. I only want you and no care if you slumdog or big shot. You what I want. Material stuff and staus nice, but I rather have real friends. Our neighbors no rich, but they good people. You no need prove anything. You were good enough when living in Shanghai slum."

Hopeful, Chan said "So...you no care I not high status?"

Ming said "Wealth and privilage just luxury. Is no essential. Why you think I rebel against family when I young? Communists preach equality but practice caste system. They hypocrites. I love you, Chan, not status."

With that, they hug.

* * *

 **Grace, Sloan and Paige, the next day...**

Chan is in Tom's office.

"You wanted to speak with me, Tom?"

Tom said "Look, Chan, I don't think our kids being friends is working out. Michelle seems to be a bad influence on my son."

Chan is now visibly fighting the urge to rip Tom a new one.

"What you say? We no friends anymore!?"

Tom said "Chan, our kids don't get along. Doesn't mean we can't be friends."

Chan looks hopeful.

"You...You mean that?"

Smiling, Tom said "Of course. In fact, I look forward to one day recommending you as a member of Winged Tree Country Club."

Chan said "You do!"

Tom explained "I will recommend you, but I can't right now. Some of the old members need to leave in order to make room."

Hopeful, Chan said "But, you recommend me some day?"

Smiling, Tom said "Of course." while thinking _No way they'll ever let an Asian join, but if it keeps Chan loyal..._

Chan looks forward to the day he joins Winged Tree, unaware that such a day will never come.

* * *

 **Evening...**

Jim is walking Stripe as he passes the Wang house. Chan spots him and comes out.

"Hey, Jim."

Jim silently groans.

"Yes, Chan."

Chan bragged "I on waiting list for Winged Treee Country Club."

With forced politeness, Jim said "That's nice, Chan."

Chan said "What club you on wait list for? Oh! That right! Country club no want you because you stupid ginzo and wife inbred redneck. I better than you, again!"

Growing angry, Jim said "Chan, could you please leave me alone?"

Laughing, Chan said "Good idea, peasant. I no want to defile myself with presence of stupid grease monkey."

Chan walks into his house laughing. Jim is about to tell him off when...

 _I'm white, he's asian. People will think I'm racist if I stand up to him._

Jim shuffles home, resigned to the fact that whenever Chan abuses him he'll just have to sit there and take it.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Mack hooks up with a hot girl. He only wants a one night stand but she wants happily ever after and is determined to get it...OR ELSE!


	18. Fatal Distraction

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 18**

 **"Fatal Distraction"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **A singles bar in Philadelphia, evening...**

Michael Jordan MacKenzie is at the bar checking out the ladies. One woman catches his eye. This woman is a beautiful brunette wearing a sexy yet tasteful red evening dress that accentuates her curves. She walks up to the bar and orders a drink.

"One cosmopolitan, please."

Mack immediately strikes up a conversation.

"Excuse me, but I've never seen you around here before."

The woman said "That's because I'm new to the area. I just moved to Lawndale."

 _Perfect_ Mack thought as he said "I live in Lawndale. I sometimes come here for a little slice of the city. You?"

Taking a sip of her drink the woman said "I thought I'd check it out. See what the nightlife is in Philly. Lawndale seems pretty dead."

Mack said "I hear that. It's great if you wanna drink beer and watch football with the guys but I like a little time in the city now and then."

In a suspicious tone, the woman asked "Why are you here alone?"

Mack said "I'm single while all of my friends are married with kids. I'd ask why you're alone but I already know it's because you're new to the area."

He extends his hand.

"Michael MacKenzie, by the way, but everyone calls me Mack."

The woman shakes his hand.

"Valerie Bennet." She takes another sip of her drink. "Why does your name sound familiar?"

Mack said "You must be thinking of MacKenzie Automotive. I'm the owner."

Valerie is visibly impressed.

"Nice. You have your own business. I just work in a hair salon. Maybe you've heard of it. MacGillicutty's on Dega Street."

Mack nodded. Music starts to play

 **Music:** "24 Karat Magic" by Bruno Marz

Valerie immediately lights up with excitement.

"I LOVE that song!"

Mack asked "Wanna dance?"

Valerie smiled.

"Sure."

They make their way to the dance floor. The mutual attraction between them is immediate and obvious.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Lawndale High...**

A classroom door opens and a bunch of women ranging in age from their late twenties to early sixties file out. Among those women is Sandi Griffin. It's a support group for divorced women that Sandi belongs to and they've just had a meeting. Sandi is talking to another member of the group, a 29 year old blonde named Lisa.

Sandi said "After that meeting I'm really glad Joey and I never had kids."

"No kidding," said Lisa with a laugh, "My husband running out on me was traumatic enough without little ones involved."

Lisa looks at her watch.

"Sandi, have you eaten anything yet?"

"No. Why?"

Lisa said "I figured we could go to Pizza King and chat for a bit."

Sandi smiled.

"Sure, why not."

* * *

 **Pizza King, a short time later...**

Lisa and Sandi are having pizza and talking. Sandi was especially relaxed. Since joining a support group her mood's been on an upswing. Not only has it helped her deal with some of her personal demons but she's made a new friend. In Lisa she had someone who understood exactly what she was going through.

Sandi said "I can't remember the last time I felt this content."

Lisa said "Glad to hear it. Can I ask you something personal?"

Sandi nodded.

Lisa said "In the meetings you mentioned that your marriage began to fall apart after you and your ex had a threesome with another woman. Are you bisexual?"

"I am." said a now nervous Sandi, "Is that a problem?"

"Not at all," said Lisa, "I was just curious. How did you figure it out?"

Sandi said "I always knew on some level, but I didn't accept it until college. Before then I would play it totally straight. I spent my teens in complete denial. Any sexual thoughts I had about other girls I'd just dismiss as curiosity. It got to a point where I actually convinced myself I was straight."

Lisa said "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what caused you to come around?"

"In college I met another bi girl and we fell in love. It didn't last."

"I see."

Sandi raises an eyebrow.

"Why are you so interested in my orientation?"

Lisa sheepishly admitted "I...Well...I...Let me start from the beginning. Around the same time I discovered guys I also started feeling sexually attracted to girls. I think I'm bi, but I'm not sure."

Now interested, Sandi asked "Why aren't you sure?"

Lisa explained "Because I've never been with a woman. All of my romantic and sexual relationships have been with men."

Sandi smiled reassuringly.

"There are no hard and fast rules for being bi. If you're interested in both sexes you're bisexual even if you've only ever been with one. I've been with both, but that's not a requirement."

Lisa asked "If I feel attracted to both men and women but I've only been with men. Doesn't that mean I'm just bicurious?"

Sandi said "Only if you want it to. So much of that is a matter of semantics. Some bi's prefer one sex over the other. Also, allow me to dispel a common myth. We bisexuals are just as capable of monogamy as anyone else."

Lisa has a relieved look on her face.

"Can I tell you something, Sandi?"

Smiling, Sandi said "Of course."

"I...well...I kind of think you're...well...hot."

Sandi lets out a shocked gasp.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim, Chris, Mack, Chuck and Kevin are in Jim's basement man cave hanging out. Jim said "...so now I'm thinking of taking on another restoration project for my videos. Mack, you have anything else I can work on?"

Mack said "I have an '82 Camaro Z/28 no one wants to touch. Special edition, too."

Chuck asked "What kind of special edition?"

Mack answered "Indy pace car."

Upon hearing this Jim practically salivates.

"Nice. I've always wanted to work on a 5.0 V8 crossfire."

Kevin asked "Crossfire?"

Jim said "That's what the fuel delivery system in 1982 to 1984 small block V8's was called, Crossfire Injection. It's was the first system that allowed more speed without sacrificing fuel efficiency or violating emissions standards."

Kevin stared blankly.

"Never mind." said Jim.

Chuck said "So, Mack, what have you been up to?"

"Met a hot girl at a singles bar in Philly the other night. We hooked up."

Jim said "So, same old same old."

"Not exactly," said Mack, "The player thing's starting to get old so this time I gave her my real e-mail and phone number, just to see what'd happen."

At this point, his cell phone went off. He answered.

"Hello...Hi, Valerie...Just hanging out with the guys...sounds fun...See you then. Bye."

Mack hangs up and turns to the guys.

"I have a date with Valerie tomorrow night."

Jim smiles.

 _I guess he's ready for a relationship again._

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the living room...**

Quinn is hanging out with Daria, Stacy, Sandi and Lindy. Lindy has a newborn baby boy with her. The boy's name is Jason Carbone. He's Chris and Lindy's son. Looking at the baby, Stacy said "He's so adorable, Lindy."

Daria deadpanned "Aren't they all."

Lindy briefly shoots Daria a hostile look before softening.

"I'm just going to attribute that to your usual standoffishness."

Daria added "And the fact that I no longer have that option."

Quinn said "Come on, sis. I thought you didn't want kids."

Daria said "But now I can't change my mind at a later point."

Sandi, in an unusually pleasant tone, said "Relax. I don't have kids either."

Daria quipped "Such wonderful company."

All are surprised when Sandi neither gets bitchy or starts crying. Quinn is the first to comment on this.

"You're in a surprisingly good mood."

Sandi said "That divorce support group's been a huge help. Also, I've made a new friend there. Her name's Lisa. Turns out..."

She now hesitates.

 _She's interested in me as more than a friend. I like her too, but is it a good idea to get involved with someone I met in a support group for divorced women? Also, she's closeted. She took a huge risk in admitting to me that she's bi. I can't betray that trust._

"Never mind. She's just really understanding. Don't get me wrong, you're all my friends," she turns to Daria, "Even you, oddly enough. But it's nice to have a friend who's been through what I've been through."

"Makes sense," said Daria matter-of-factly, "You've been divorced while none of your other friends have. Lisa has the perspective of first hand experience."

Both Quinn and Stacy give Sandi a curious look. They know her well enough to know there's more to this than she's telling.

* * *

 **Princess Pasta's Italian Restaurant, evening...**

Mack and Valerie are on a dinner date making small talk.

"After I graduated from Vance," he said, "I went to work for my father in order to get some real world experience running my own business. It's payed off pretty well."

Valerie said "That's cool, Mack. Most people only come home after college because they have no choice."

Mack explained "My original plan was to never return to Lawndale, but after a few years I decided it was the most practical option."

In a flirty tone Valerie said "That's hot. I love a man who can think practically."

"Makes sense."

Valerie leans in.

"Mack, I need to tell you something."

Mack said "Okay."

"I'm in love."

Mack's eyes go wide and his jaw drops.

"Are you serious!?"

Unfazed, Valerie said "Yes."

Mack said "But we've only known each other a week!? How can you already be in love with me?"

"Because," said Valerie, "We have a soul connection. Can't you feel it?"

Mack is now visibly nervous.

"Valerie, we met in a singles bar and hooked up."

"I know," she said, "But you gave me your real number and said yes when I asked you on a date."

Mack explained "Because you seemed like someone I'd be interested in getting to know. It doesn't mean I'm in love. It just means I wanted to try seeing if there's any potential."

Valerie said "And there is. We're soul mates. If you asked me to marry you right now I'd say yes."

Mack is now freaked.

"I...If I wasn't interested?"

In a deadly serious tone, Valerie said "Then I would die."

Mack is now visibly terrified.

"I mean it," said Valerie, "If I can't have you than there's no point in living."

Mack can think of only two words.

 _Oh, shit!_

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

A wrecker truck backs into Quinn and Jim's driveway. On the back of the truck is a 1982 Camaro Z/28 T-Top in poor condition. Mack steps out of the drivers side as Jim walks up to greet him. Jim has a camcorder and is recording everything.

"Thanks for the car, Mack."

Mack said "No problem. Hooking you up with project vehicles is the best advertising I can get. My business has been way up since you worked on that '57 Chevy."

Jim climbs on top of the wrecker and gives the old Camaro a once over.

"Paint's faded, ripped apholstry."

He pops the hood. The 5.0 V8 is so rusted as to be beyond salvageable.

"Gonna need a new engine. I don't think this one will even start." He turns to Mack, "It's perfect!"

Mack said "I knew you'd like it. You're a total glutton for punishment."

Jim laughed.

"So, how'd that date with Valerie go?"

Mack hurriedly motions for Jim to shut off the camera, which he does.

"Jim, she's crazy."

Jim asked "Wild in bed crazy or embarrass you in public crazy?"

Mack said "Threaten suicide if I don't marry her on the first date crazy."

Jim's jaw dropped when he heard that.

"Dude!"

Mack said "I got her to calm down by saying we need to take it slow. She seems to think that means I will ask her to marry me. She says we're soul mates but we've only known each other a week."

"Whoa," said Jim, "You picked up a stage five clinger!"

Mack said "I don't know what to do."

Jim said "Cut off all contact ASAP."

"I can't," said Mack, "She knows my home, cell and work numbers, my e-mail, where I live, where I work and who I hang out with."

Jim said "That's what happens when you have sex before you've even had an official date."

Just then, a blue Honda Civic pulls into the driveway. Valerie emerges from the drivers side.

"Hey, Mack."

Nervous, Mack asked "How did you know I was here?"

Valerie said "I just drove around the neighborhood until I spotted you."

Both Jim and Mack are on edge now.

Jim asked "Don't you have work?"

Valerie said "I quit my job. I don't need it now that Mack's providing for me. I'm also paying my last months rent today."

"Why?" asked a very frightened Mack.

Valerie said "Because we're moving in together, babe."

Mack said "We've only been on one date. It's only been a week since we met."

"I know," said Valerie, "But we're meant to be. It's fate."

Mack said "Isn't this all really fast?"

Valerie saunters over to Mack.

"Awww, you're soooo cute when you're nervous, honey."

She kisses him on the cheek.

"Byyyeeee!"

She heads back to her car with a spring in her step.

"Dude," said Jim, "You are totally screwed."

* * *

 **Pizza King...**

Quinn and Sandi are sitting down and chatting over pizza.

"Sandi," said Quinn, "Why'd you want to meet for lunch all of the sudden?"

Sandi said "Quinn, I need to talk to you...about Lisa."

"That friend you made at the support group?"

Sandi nodded.

Quinn said "I figured it was that. The other day Stacy and I figured you weren't telling us everything."

Sandi said "She's bisexual, like me. The thing is that she's a little unsure about her sexual identity because she's only ever been with men."

"Makes sense," said Quinn, "I felt a little uncertanty after my bachelorette party. Remember how we got drunk and made out in the jacuzzi?"

Sandi said "That was just curiosity on your part, horniness on my part and lowered inhibitions on both of our parts."

Quinn said "I know. I was confused until I took a minute to think it through and realized that if we'd gone further I would've felt really weird about it, even if I were single."

"This is different," Sandi explained, "She told me that she's had a desire for women equal to her desire for men since puberty, she's just never acted on it."

"I get it," said Quinn, "She's bi and somewhat in denial about it."

Sandi said "There's more."

Quinn listened intently as Sandi explained.

"Apparently, Lisa's attracted to me. I think she wants to go out with me. I'm interested in her as well. I mean, we already know each other pretty well due to our sharing things in the support group."

Quinn said "Sounds to me like you're both interested in each other. Why not go out with her?"

Sandi said "Because we met in a support group for divorced women."

"So?"

"Is that really such a good idea?"

Quinn said "Are there rules against dating other people in the group?"

Sandi said "No. The only rules are that we respect group confidentiality and try to be as non-judgmental as possible. There's no rule against dating other members. But, since most of the women in the group are straight that might be because no one expected such a situation to come up."

Quinn took a sip of her diet soda before speaking.

"I don't think you have anything to worry about. Why not just talk with her about this and see where it goes? After all, you both seem to get along and have things in common, including bisexuality. I really don't see a problem in you two going out."

Sandi looks thoughtful for a moment, then smiles.

"Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn smiles.

"Glad to help."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Jim are in bed preparing to call it a night. Quinn is telling Jim about the latest developments with Sandi, minus certain details that Sandi wanted kept private for the time being.

"...so I told Sandi if you're interested you should just go out with this person and see how it goes."

Jim said "Sounds like solid advice."

Quinn asked "So, how was your day?"

Jim answered "Well, Mack brought the car for my latest restoration project around today. So if you were wondering about the old Camaro in our garage, now you know. Also, Mack has a stalker."

Quinn's eyes go wide.

"Are you kidding me!?"

Jim said "I wish I was. She actually showed up while Mack was bringing the car. She's a real piece of work. Apparently, they had a one night stand followed by an actual date and she's now convinced that they're soul mates."

Quinn is visibly worried. After all, crazy stalkers are something she has some experience with.*

*(see the Quinn episodes "Obsession" and "Identity Crisis" for details)

She asked "What's Mack gonna do?"

Jim said "He can't do anything yet because she hasn't actually done anything illegal yet."

Quinn said "Isn't stalking illegal?"

Jim said "Yes, but in order to prove it there has to be a pattern of harrassment. Right now it's too soon to establish a pattern that even a dumbass public defender can't rip to shreds. All Mack can do is let this play out until either a solid pattern is established or Valerie does something else that's illegal."

Quinn is visibly worried for Mack's safety.

* * *

 **Mack's house, morning...**

Mack wakes up in his bed. He nervously looks over to his side. He breathes a huge sigh of relief when he sees that there's no one in the bed with him.

 _Thank God!_

He gets out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. He's unaware that he's being watched. In a tree in the backyard Valerie is staring into his bedroom with binoculars. She smiles.

 _I wish I could join him. He's so sexy in the morning. I can't wait until we're married. Then we'll never be apart again._

* * *

 **MacKenzie automotive, later...**

Mack is in his office doing some paperwork when one of the staff, a cashier in his twenties, comes in.

"Mr. MacKenzie, there's someone here to see you."

Without thinking, Mack said "Send them in."

In comes Valerie. She's wearing a blue mini-dress that shows ample cleavage and the hem of the skirt is so high that if she sits down it'll give everyone a look at her panties.

"Hey, babe." she said in a VERY sexy tone of voice.

"Valerie!" he exclaimed in shock, "What're you doing here!? In that dress!?"

Valerie playfully sauntered over to his desk.

"I thought I'd surprise you. As for the dress, nothing wrong with looking sexy for my man."

 **Music:** "Maneater" by Hall and Oates

Valerie leans across the desk in a slow and seductive manner.

 _Oh, Man!_ thought Mack, _She may be batshit crazy but she's also smoking hot._

Mack's common sense is now clearly at war with his libido.

"So," said Valerie in an even more erotic tone of voice, "Wanna have some..." she sensually moves hand down his chest as their faces are now inches apart, "...fun?"

Mack immediately pulls away.

"Dammit, Valerie," he said as he walked to open the door and show her out, "You really need to go."

Smiling seductively, Valerie sits on top of the desk and faces him.

"Are you sure," she spreads her legs, "sexy?"

Mack's eyes go wide.

 _She's not wearing any underwear!_

"C'mon, Mack," she cooed, "You know you want me."

Mack is hesitant as he realizes he could totally get laid right now.

"I...We...um...We can't."

Valerie said "But you want to. I can tell."

Mack's resolve starts to crumble.

In a breathy whisper, Valerie said "Take me, Mack."

With that, the battle between Mack's libido and common sense is over. His libido wins. He closes and locks the door to his office.

* * *

 **Brother Grimace's Brew Pub (formerly The Zon), a few days later...**

Jim, Mack and Chuck are at the bar talking about the situation. Mack has just told them about how Valerie successfully seduced him at work.

"Are you out of your mind!?" exclaimed Chuck.

Jim said "You had sex with her once and she becomes obsessed with you. How do you think it's gonna go now that you've done it with her again?"

Mack said "Jim, you weren't there. I tried to resist but it was just too damn tempting."

Jim said "Remember Jessica Sanchez? She was throwing herself at me pretty hard and I managed to resist."*

*(It happened in the Quinn episode "Temptation")

Mack protested "Jim, you and Quinn were really serious at that point. I don't have a woman I love to serve as a deterrent."

Chuck said "The fact that Valerie's a total psycho isn't deterrent enough!?"

Mack said "Listen, you two, you've both been happily married for so long that you've forgotten what it's like to be single and horny. Jim, think about it. If you were single when Jessica was coming on to you what would you have done?"

Jim remembered the night Jessica tried to seduce him.

* * *

 **Jessica Sanchez's apartment, 2007...**

Jessica said "But we click so well together."

She lowers one of the shoulder straps on her dress.

"Come on, Jim. You know you want to."

Jim nervously said "Yeah, but we can't."

Jessica immediately pounces on top of Jim and kisses him passionately, moaning into his mouth as she does.

* * *

 **Brother Grimace's Pub, present day...**

Jim now sighs as he sees Mack's point.

"If I were single I would've definitely hopped into the sack with her."

Mack now turns his attention to Chuck.

"What about you? Remember high school? You were Upchuck, Lawndale High's resident horndog. Remember Jodie's graduation party?"

Chuck admitted "Andrea made a man out of me that night. But she was the first girl who said yes. Between her and Stacy I was only with girls who'd never known me as Upchuck. I thought I was being smooth but the fact remains that all the girls we went to highschool with thought I was a repulsive creep."

"My point," said Mack, trying to keep the conversation on topic, "Is that even the best of us succumb to temptation once in a while. That's what happened when Valerie showed up at my office."

Jim said "Mack, this is just as high stakes as whether or not to cheat on your GF. This woman is a crazy stalker who thinks you two are soul mates and you just gave her a reason to keep on thinking that."

"I KNOW!" said Mack, "Look, it happened. The question is what to do about it now?"

Jim said "I think you may have screwed yourself over this time, no pun intended."

Suddenly, Mack looks thoughtful. He remembers things he heard Chuck say all throughout high school.

 _Oh, Ladieeeeesssss!_

 _Please, don't be gentle._

 _Hello, sex kitten. Let me be your ball of yarn. MEOW!_

 _GRRR! Feisty!_

Suddenly, Mack gets and idea.

 _Of course! Even a stage five clinger would be repulsed by Upchuck._

He turns to Chuck.

"Chuck, I need you to do me a huge favor."

* * *

 **Sandi's house, evening...**

 **Music:** "Come To My Window" by Melissa Etheridge

Sandi is watching TV in the living room when the doorbell rings. She gets up to answer. It's Lisa.

"Hi, Sandi."

Sandi said "Hey, Lisa."

"Can we talk?"

"Sure."

With that, Sandi lets Lisa in and shuts the door behind her. They sit down on the couch.

"So," said Sandi, "What's going on?"

Lisa said "I'm sorry about freaking you out the other day."

Sandi said "You didn't freak me out. I just didn't think you saw me, you know, that way."

Lisa said "The thing is I've never met anyone like you. I like you. I think I like you as more than just a friend and that scares me."

"I get it," said Sandi, "I just wasn't sure of it was a good idea to get involved with another support group member."

"I understand," said Lisa, "I'm also kind of uneasy. What if we did try being more than just friends?"

Sandi asked "You know, I've been thinking about that. Truth be told, I'm actually interested but if you think it's a bad idea I understand."

Lisa explained "Well, there's also the fact that I've never actually been with a woman."

Sandi smiled reassuringly.

"There's nothing to be scared of, Lisa. Just relax and go with it, if you ever were to do...you know."

Lisa said "Sandi, I meant what I said before. About being interested in you as more than a friend."

Sandi admitted "I'm interested in you, too."

Lisa's heart skipped a beat when Sandi said that.

"So, what now?"

Sandi said "Let's just go for it and see what happens."

The two women lean in toward each other until their faces are almost touching. One could hear the chorus "Come to my window" as they kiss. The kiss breaks. Sandi and Lisa smile at each other and kiss again. This kiss is more hot and intense. After the second kiss...

"More?" asked Sandi in a breathy tone.

Equally sensual, Lisa answered "More."

They kiss again as they start to take off each others shirts.

* * *

 **Governor's Park Restaurant...**

Mack and Valerie are seated at a table. Valerie said "This is so nice, babe. I can't wait until we're alone, though."

Mack, playing it cool, said "If we're soul mates you need to get to know my friends."

Valerie said "I couldn't agree more."

Mack said "That's why I invited one of my buddies to join us tonight."

Valerie looks a little put off for a split second before shrugging it off.

"Anything for you, love of my life."

As if on cue, Chuck comes in. Mack said "Here's my friend now."

Chuck sits down next to Valerie. He immediately goes into Upchuck mode and leers at her suggestively.

Mack said "Allow me to introduce my friend, Chuck."

"Charles Ruttheimer the third," he said, "Ladies man extraordinare. I'm known for my ability to stoke the fires of...grrr...unbridled sexual passion. Rowr!"

Valerie said "Chuck, I'm here with my soul mate."

Chuck said "Why thank you, my sexy enchantress. I feel a...connection...if you know what I mean. "

Instantly put off, Valerie said "Mack's my soul mate, not you."

In a lecherous tone, Chuck said "Not yet, anyway. Grrroow!"

He continues to leer at Valerie, making her visibly uncomfortable.

"Mack," she said, "Do something."

With a shrug, Mack said "Don't worry, he's harmless. At least that's what his psychiatriat says."

Chuck added "Restraining orders are just a new challenge. I love it when they play hard to get, sexy lady."

Valerie is now both creeped out by Chuck and annoyed that Mack won't lift a finger to stop the creepy come ons.

"So," said Chuck as he placed a hand on Valerie's shoulder and stroked suggestively, "Are you strictly monogamous...sexy?"

Removing his hand, Valerie said "Don't touch me, you creep."

"Grrrrr! Feisty!"

Valerie is annoyed while Mack allows himself a satisfied grin.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, later that night...**

Sandi and Lisa's clothes are strewn all over the bedroom floor. They're both laying naked in bed and look satisfied.

"Wow," said Sandi, "You're good. Are you sure you've never been with a woman before?"

Lisa said "You're the first."

Sandi smiled.

"Then you are a truly gifted lover. That was the best I've ever had."

"Thanks."

Lisa now looks worried.

"What does this mean? For us?"

Sandi asked "What do you mean?"

Lisa said "Are we friends with benefits, or something more?"

Sandi said "I like you, Lisa. I'm definitely willing to give a romantic relationship a try if you are."

Lisa looks thoughtful.

 _She's incredible, and not just in bed. She gets me. I feel incredible just spending time with her._

Finally, Lisa said "I wanna try being more than friends."

Sandi said "Me too."

With that, they kiss.

Lisa asked "You up for another round?"

Smiling, Sandi said "I thought you'd never ask."

She pulls Lisa on top of her.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Governor's park...**

Mack and Valerie are still there. Chuck's still creeping her out.

"I have to use the bathroom." said Mack as he excused himself.

Chuck immediately turned the creep factor all the way to 11.

"Well, my lovely," he said "We're alone now. I can show you the true pleasure prowess of Senor Suavecito."

He leans in to kiss Valerie. She slaps him.

"Get away from me, you perv."

Stroking her hair, Chuck said "That's right, my lovely. Let your blood boil."

She slaps him away.

"I said no, you creep!"

Chuck said "Your mouth says no, but I'll wager your body yearns for the pleasures I offer."

"YOU PERVERT!"

She immediately throws her drink in his face. He pretends to be undeterred.

"I love it...hard. Meeeeoooowwww!"

He tries to lick her face and she slaps him again. Mack returns and sits back down.

"You two getting along?"

Valerie said "Your friend keeps sexually harassing me!"

Mack said "I thought you'd be cool with each other."

Chuck said "Do my ears decieve me!? Am I going to be part of a threesome tonight? Do I dare to dream!?"

Turning to Mack, Valerie asked "Why aren't you doing anything!?"

Mack said "Because he's my friend."

Valerie now fumes.

"If that's how it is, then?"

With that, she angrily gets up.

In mock protest, Mack asked "Where are you going, Valerie?"

Valerie hissed "We aren't soulmates after all. I'm sorry, Mack, but if having you means putting up with him then it's not worth it."

Chuck gets up and follows her.

"Forget him, sexy lady. Allow me to handle your needs. I can make you feel real good. Rrrroooowww!"

"Get away from me, you creepy perv!"

She knees him in the groin before continuing to storm off. Mack has a satisfied look on his face.

 _Problem solved!_

He walks up to Chuck and helps him up.

"Y..you...urgh..." Chuck stammered, "...owe...me...for...this.."

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, a few nights later...**

Chuck and Stacy are in bed talking. The subject happens to be his Upchuck relapse.

Stacy said "I'm just glad her hit didn't do any permanent damage."

Chuck said "It did bring back some unpleasant memories."

"So," said Stacy, "How's Mack now?"

Chuck said "He hasn't heard from Valerie since then. I guess the plan worked. I knew it was off putting in high school but I never thought it was bad enough to send a stalker packing. Was I really that bad in high school?"

"No," said his wife, "You were worse."

Chuck looks hurt until he sees the playful smile on Stacy's face.

"Nice one." He then looks sad "I was still a total creep."

Stacy said "True, but you've come a long way since being Upchuck."

Chuck asked "When did you figure out that Upchuck was an act?"

Stacy said "When we did that magic show together. When I said I'd do anything to learn I meant it. If you really were the horndog everyone thought you would've used that to get me to sleep with you but you didn't. When we were alone you dropped the Upchuck mask and I saw what a wonderful person you really are."

Chuck said "How did I get so lucky? Finding a woman like you."

Stacy said "I'm the lucky one. No one ever understood me like you do. That's why we fell in love and why I'm still in love with you all these years later."

With that, they kiss. Once the kiss breaks, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it." said Chuck as he gets out of bed. Once he's at the front door he opens it and is shocked to find...Valerie.

"Valerie! What are you doing here!?"

Valerie said "I wanted to apologize for kneeing you in the groin. And to tell you that I think you're my true soul mate. Chuck, I love you."

Chuck gulps with dread.

 **End.**

* * *

 **Author Notes**

1) One of the things about Lawndale that's changed since the late 90's is that some of the old businesses are no longer around. This is especially true of Dega Street, which has undergone partial gentrification over the past 20 years.

2) Princess Pasta's Italian Restaurant used to be The Funky Doodle. The name is a reference to Daria fanfic author, artist and cosplayer Princess_Pasta.

3) The Zon is now Brother Grimace's Brew Pub. The name refers to another fanfic author who's works are some of the most well known angst fics in Daria fandom, Brother Grimace.


	19. Sappy Birthday

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 19**

 **"Sappy Birthday"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, day...**

Jim's Paintballing Jungle was now Kara's Wild Family Fun Center. The facilities included a water park, a mini golf course, a go kart track and a video arcade. Inside the arcade we find Jim, Quinn, Daria, Tommy, Teddy, Timmy, Sandi, Stacy, Chuck, Chucky, Q, Kevin, Brittany, Daryl, Ultra, Lauren, Kevin Jr., Chris, Lindy,Jason, Chan, Ming, Michelle, Mack, Helen, Jake and several others seated at a table. The occasion is a birthday. Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are turning 7 today. To celebrate, Quinn and Jim rented the banquet hall at Kara's. The birthday cake is being presented to the boys while everybody else sings.

"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Happy birthday to you!"

Kevin Jr. added "AND MANY MORE!"

The cake was placed in front of the three T's. Quinn said "Make a wish boys."

Tommy and Timmy simultaneously blow out the candles while Teddy doesn't even try.

Curious, Michelle asked "Teddy, why didn't you blow out the candles?"

Teddy starts to remember.

 **2014...**

Tommy blows out the two candles before either Timmy or Teddy can. Timmy cries while Teddy gives Tommy a hostile look.

 **2015...**

Teddy is still inhaling when both Tommy and Timmy simultaneously blow out the three candles. This upsets Teddy to no end.

"HEY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!"

Quinn said "Teddy, you'll get your chance next year."

 **2016...**

What happened at the third birthday party happened again at the fourth. Teddy is pissed.

"Why can't I be an only child?"

 **2019...**

Teddy is telling Michelle the story.

"After that I gave up and stopped trying."

Beaming, Stacy said "I can't believe you boys are seven years old already."

Sandi added "It's seems like only yesterday I held you three in my arms. You were such cute babies."

Upon hearing this, Teddy rolls his eyes while Tommy and Timmy blush with embarrassment.

Helen said "The years do go by quicker than you expect, believe me."

Looking at Quinn and Jim, Jake said "It's seems like just yesterday you told us we were gonna be grandparents."

* * *

 **Morgendorffer House, 2011...**

Jake and Helen are setting up for a Fourth of July Barbecue. Since Jake retired and Helen started working for the state bar they've had a lot more free time on their hands. One of the ways they filled it was by hosting a Fourth of July party every year that essentially stole the Landon's thunder. There's a ring at the door.

"I'll get it." said Helen. She answers the door. It's Daria, Jane and Trent. Daria is now wearing an oversized green t-shirt, black jeans and red sneakers. Jane's replaced her red jacket with a brown robe and has shaved her head on one side. On the side that isn't shaven she's grown her hair out and died a skunk white streak in it. Trent looks the same except that his hair is visibly thinning and he has a leather jacket on.

Helen said "Daria, Jane, Trent, how are you?"

Daria said "We're good, Mom."

Jane added "Thanks for inviting us Mrs. Morgendorffer."

"My pleasure," said Helen, "After all, you and Trent are as much family as Daria and Quinn."

Helen closes the door and leads the three into the kitchen. There, to everyone's horror, they find Jake cooking. He sees Daria and runs up to her.

"Kiddo, you made it!"

He hugs her a little too tight.

"Ugh...Dad, that kinda hurts."

Jake releases Daria.

"Sorry."

He notices Jane's new look.

"Jane-O, what's with the new look?"

Jane shrugged.

"Since I'd been sporting my last look since I was twelve I figured it was high time to change things up a little."

Jake notices that they're shy a guest.

"Where's Alan?"

Jane said "He couldn't make it. It figures, now sooner are we back from our honeymoon than he takes off again."

Daria said "Which is why I just spent a month at her place in SoHo."

Daria still lived at home at this point, but had spent the previous month first housesitting for Jane and Alan during their honeymoon and then keeping Jane company.

"I stayed after they got back because her new husband immediately took off to excavate a lost city in a jungle on the other side of the world. That reminds me, I need to give Mack a call and let him know I'm back in town."

Helen immediately observed "Since Jane and Alan have tied the knot, when are you and Mack going to do the same?"

Daria explained "Mom, I've only been with Mack for a year and a half. We're not ready for that step just yet. Something about the idea of marriage makes me uneasy and I have no idea why."

At this point, the front door opens. Quinn and Jim enter. It's been a little over a year since their wedding.

"Oh, yeah," Daria deadpanned, "That's why."

Smiling, Quinn said "Nice to see you to sis."

Jim said "You guys need help with anything?"

* * *

 **Evening...**

Everyone's in the back yard as the party is now in full swing. Jake, Helen, Mack, Daria, Jane, Quinn, Jim, Stacy, Chuck and a two year old Chucky are seated at a table eating burgers and smoked ribs. Stacy is especially pigging out because she's just started the second trimester of her second pregnancy.

"So," Stacy asked Quinn, "When are you and Jim gonna have kids?"

Helen said "Stacy, they've only been married a year."

Jake said "But they've been living together for five."

After everyone laughs, Quinn and Jim exchange smiles.

"Quinn, should we tell them?"

Quinn said "Let's."

She stands up and taps her fork on a glass to get everyone's attention.

"Attention, everyone, I have an announcement to make."

Everyone looks at Quinn.

"As you all know, Jim and I have been married for over a year now. Prior to that, we'd essentially been living like husband and wife for almost four years. To that end Jim and I decided it was time for the next step in our relationship."

Quinn paused for dramatic effect, finally...

"I'm pregnant."

Jake reacts as expected.

"GAH!" He angrily turns to Jim. "YOU GOT MY LITTLE GIRL PREGNANT! YOU BASTARD!"

"JAKE!" Helen barked, "They're married."

"OH, SO THEY'RE MARRIED NOW. DAMMIT, YOU..." Jake suddenly processes the information and calms down. "OH! Sorry."

Chuck said "It's alright. My father in law reacted the same way when Stacy was pregnant with Chucky."

Quinn said "Yeah, Dad. Jim and I have been married for a year and together for six. We decided we wanted to have kids so that's what we did."

Jim admitted "I was a little hesitant. Let's face it, I didn't have the best example of a father growing up."

Jake's mood suddenly darkens.

"Oh, do I know what that's like. Dear old Mad Dog wouldn't have known how to parent if he read a whole library on the subject. He drew no distinction between a father and a drill sergeant. All those survival drills, smacks upside the head while I did push ups. PT DRILLS AT FIVE IN THE MORNING! ALL JUST TO..."

Helen steps in.

"JAKE, FOCUS!"

This snaps him out of his rant.

"Sorry."

Mack said "Congratulations, Jim."

Jim said "Thanks, Mack."

Helen asked "Do you know when the baby's due?"

Quinn said "My gynecologist estimates either late February or March. She also recommended both a pediatrictian and a nutritionist."

"Nutritionist?" said Daria.

Quinn said "I'm determind to have a healthy baby. To that end I wanna eat right throughout my pregnancy."

Stifling a giggle, Stacy said "That'll go right out the window as soon as you start craving a sushi and sauerkraut sandwich."

Quinn scrunched her nose.

"Stacy, ewwww!"

Stacy said "Well, maybe you won't crave that, but you will crave. And God help the suicidal fool who tries to stop you when you do."

Helen nodded.

"It's true. You don't wanna know what I pigged out on both times I was pregnant."

Quinn now looks apprehensive.

* * *

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, 2019...**

At the three T's seventh birthday party Quinn and Jim continue to tell the story.

"I remember that," said Helen, "It was funny how you started dreading the cravings, Quinn."

Quinn blushed with embarrassment. Jim suddenly frowns, which Chris notices.

"Why the long face, bro?"

Jim said "I just remembered when we told Dad about the pregnancy."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2011...**

Quinn and Jim are in the kitchen about to eat dinner when the doorbell rings.

"Who could that be?" asked Quinn.

Jim said "I'll get it."

He gets up and answers the front door. It's Tony.

"'Bout goddamn time!"

Tony immediately shoves Jim aside and enters.

"Dad! What are you doing here?"

Tony said "Some of my old war buddies are having a reunion in Philly. I figured I'd save money by crashing here instead of a hotel."

Jim sighs and hopes his father will behave (for once). They make their way to the kitchen. Quinn is not happy to see him.

"What are YOU doing here?" she practically hissed.

Tony turns to Jim.

"Still not controlling your woman, I see."

He sits down at the table.

"So, what's going on?"

Jim now smiles as he senses the possibility of FINALLY gaining his father's approval.

"Quinn's pregnant, Dad?"

Tony said "Nice! Who's the father?"

The implication offends Quinn to no end.

"Excuse me!?"

Tony said "Well," he points to Jim while looking at Quinn, "There's no way this pansy put one in ya, and you're such an insubordinate slut that you cheating is inevitable. So, who's the father?"

Quinn is visibly about to rip Tony a new one when Jim steps in.

"I'm the father, Dad."

Tony barked "Like a wuss like you can even produce viable sperm."

Standing up, Quinn angrily said "For your information I've never cheated on Jim and never will. He's the father."

Tony shrugs.

"Fine! Whatever you say, you slut."

Jim said "Dad, could you please not call my wife a slut."

Tony gets right in Jim's face.

"I'LL CALL HER WHATEVER I WANT AND YOU'LL F # TAKE IT!" His voice now becomes a menacing growl. "We understand each other, boy!?"

Jim hesitates, torn between wanting to stand up for his wife and fear of his father. Tony shakes his fist.

"I said do we understand each other!"

Jim sighs.

"Yes, Dad."

Tony sits back down.

"So, is it a boy or a girl?"

Quinn said "It's too soon to know that."

Tony said "I hope it's a girl. Neither of you have the balls to raise a boy right."

Jim frowns while Quinn stares daggers at Tony.

* * *

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, 2019...**

Quinn and Jim are continuing to tell the story.

"Fortunately," said Jim, "We only had to put up with him for two days."

Jake said "Oh, do I know what that's like! Having your father constantly question your masculinity! Having a father who hates the woman you love with every fiber of his being! 'You won't be a man if you don't go to Vietnam, Jake.' 'Helen's a goddamn communist slut, Jake!' 'HOW DARE YOU BETRAY YOUR COUNTRY BY BECOMING A HIPPIE, JAKE!'" He stares at the floor and shakes his fist. "ROT IN HELL, MAD DOG! YOU HEAR ME!? ROT IN HELL, YOU GODDAMN, MOTHER..."

"JAKE!" Helen barked, snapping Jake out of his rant.

"Sorry!"

"So, Quinn," said Ming, "How you find out you carrying triplets?"

Quinn said "I started showing early. I suspected something was up so I called the pediatrician and scheduled an early ultrasound."

* * *

 **Cedars of Lawndale, 2011...**

A now showing Quinn is laying on an examining table while the doctor performs an ultrasound. The doctor is a fit, raven haired Indian woman in her early thirties named Dr. Rajahm.

"Well," asked Quinn, "What's wrong?"

Looking at the monitor screen and speaking with a slight Indian accent, Dr. Rajahm said "Nothing's wrong, Mrs. Carbone. Fetal development is proceeding at a normal, healthy rate."

Quinn asked "Then why am I showing early!?"

Dr. Rajahm turns the monitor screen so Quinn can see. Inside her womb is not one fetus, but three.

"You're carrying triplets."

Quinn gasped.

* * *

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, 2019...**

Quinn is telling the story to all the guests assembled for the three T's seventh birthday party.

"...and that's when I found out I was carrying triplets. The reason I started showing early is because I was carrying three babies instead of one."

Jim added "I freaked when I found out."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2011...**

Quinn has just gotten back from her ultrasound and told Jim why she's showing early. Jim's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped when he heard the news.

"TRIPLETS!"

Quinn nodded. Jim starts to freak out.

"Three kids at once. OHMYGOD! HOW WILL WE MANAGE!?"

Quinn said "Jim, honey, I know it's a shock but it's not that big a deal. We're doing well financially."

Jim said "How can we keep up our YouTube careers with three babies? It's gonna be hard with just one."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Jim, we're self employed and work from home. That alone makes it easier."

"But," said Jim, "What if we need to deal with an emergency!?"

Quinn said "Jim, we set our own hours. It's not like we're beholden to a boss who doesn't give a shit."

Jim stammered "But, but..."

Quinn gives Jim a piercing look.

"Jim, what's your real problem with this?"

Jim says nothing but gives Quinn a puzzled look.

Quinn said "Look, you were hesitant when we were deciding whether or not to have children. I just told you we're having three for the price of one and you react like it's some kind of impending doom. What's the deal?"

Nervous, Jim said "It's just that...well, you see...responsibility...and..." he takes a deep breath before saying it really fast, "...WhatifIscrewup!?"

Quinn immediately understands.

"You're afraid you'll be a bad parent, aren't you?"

Shamefaced, Jim nodded.

"I didn't have the best example growing up."

Quinn said "Your mother did alright."

Jim said "That's the problem. I know how to be a good mother, but I'm going to be a father. Triplets can be a real handful. What if I lose my patience? What if I can't control my temper? I could wind up falling back on my fathers methods out of frustration."

Quinn puts a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder.

"Jim, you won't be like that. I know you, you're not Tony."

Jim said "My Dad's the way he is largely because that's how his parents treated him. What if I wind up abusing our kids? Being raised like that does tend to normalize it."

Quinn said "Just because your father was physically and emotionally abusive doesn't mean you'll be like that too. My father was never abusive to me or Daria, and his father was a war-obsessed psychopath."

Jim gets an idea.

* * *

 **Das Morgendorffer Haus, a few days later...**

 **Jim:** (VO, from present) "What Quinn told me gave me the idea to talk to my father-in-law. I figured he could give me some pointers on how to avoid repeating the cycle of abuse."

Jake and Jim are in the living room talking.

"You and Quinn are having triplets!?"

Jim nodded.

Jake said "You must be scared out of your mind right now?"

Jim admitted "That's actually why I'm here. See, my father was just like your father and..."

Jake muttered "Lousy, rigid, HEARTLESS..."

The worried look on Jim's face snaps Jake out of his impending rant.

"Sorry."

"As I was saying," said Jim, "You obviously didn't repeat your father's mistakes."

"Like throwing my own offspring in the hell called Buxton Ridge."

Jim said "Exactly. How did you avoid repeating your father's mistakes?"

Jake said "Easy. If I even looked like I might raise a hand to the girls Helen would have my head. If I ever tried to put them in military school she would've gutted me like a fish...and used a dull spoon to do it."

Jim said "So, there were never any situations where you reacted on instinct. No scenarios where you fell back on what you knew from your own upbringing?"

Jake said "There was one time I came close. It happened when Daria was in first grade. Helen and I kept being called into the school because Daria wouldn't interact with the other children. When she told us it was because they didn't interest her every fiber of my being screamed for me to take her and start whipping her with my belt."

"Did you?"

"No," said Jake, "But I still lost it. I went off the rails and started accusing Daria of deliberately being different just to torture me. Helen and I got into a huge fight over the issue."

Jim now looks VERY worried, which Jake notices.

"It didn't help that I was under a lot of stress at the time. Helen and I both were. When the girls were really little Helen had to cut back on her hours to help take care of them. Once they were both in school she was trying to resume a full workload, and getting called into the school made that more difficult. At the same time, I was stuck in a job I hated. My boss at the time was a sadistic tyrant who took sick pleasure in making my life miserable. I often was forced to work overtime without pay, when I had to take off to deal with Daria's problems at school he even started threatening to fire me and black ball me so hard I wouldn't even be able to get a job flipping burgers. I finally snapped from the strain. The fight with Helen was so bad I took off in the middle of it and spent the night in a motel."

Jim said "How did you resolve it?"

Jake said "After that, I decided to just follow Helen's lead when it came to the girls. I also needed to find something to redirect my anger towards when the stress started getting to me. That something was Mad Dog."

Jim looks doubtful.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a few months later...**

By now Quinn is pretty far along in her pregnancy. She and Jim have just come home from a doctor's appointment that included another ultrasound. Quinn hobbles over to the couch with Jim's help. Once she situated, Jim sits down next to her.

"How are you holding up, babe?"

Quinn said "My feet are killing me."

Jim gently hoists Quinn's feet into his lap. He removes her shoes and socks and proceeds to give her a foot massage. She immediately starts to relax.

"Jim, that feels so nice."

Jim joked "They don't call me the foot master for nothing."

Quinn smiled.

"I'd laugh if it weren't so uncomfortable. The fact that you're willing to do this just proves that you love me."

Jim said "Quinn, I love every part of you, even the smelly and sweaty ones."

Just then, the phone rings. Jim answers.

"Hello?"

His expression darkens.

"Hey, Dad."

On the other end of the line, Tony said "How's the knocked up bitch?"

Jim said "Dad, could you please not call her that?"

Tony barked "I'll call her what I want, you f$%&ing sissy ass!"

Jim sighed as he said "We just got back from the doctor's. Quinn had another ultrasound today."

Tony said "And?"

Jim said "Three boys."

Tony's face lit up when he heard that.

"Three little soldiers. I may have misjudged you after all."

Jim doesn't know if he should be worried or moved as the backhanded remark is the nicest thing his father's ever said to him.

Tony said "I'd be happy to come down and help. We can mold those boys into real men."

Nervous, Jim asked "W-What do you mean?"

Tony said "You don't know!? Well, way your mother always coddled you I shouldn't be surprised. Jim, they need to be raised to be hard, tough and strong. You can succeed where I failed, by molding those boys into men, into soldiers."

Jim asked "Is that really such a good idea?"

Tony said "I guess they could be athletes. Either way, as long as we make them into real men. They have to be trained. Toughened up. Only warriors are real men."

Jim said "You want me to toughen them up."

Quinn looks apprehensive, which Jim notices. He speaks to Tony.

"I don't think that'll sit well with Quinn."

Tony said "You need to remind her that she's a woman. She needs to stop getting uppity and start obeying her man. You need to assert yourself. This way, she'll learn her place and you can make sure those boys become men. Remember, women are too weak and emotional to do what's necessary. She won't toughen them, that job falls to you."

Jim said "I see. You want me to put my wife in her place and toughen my sons up."

Tony said "Exactly. When they get out of line, beat 'em. They do it again, beat 'em harder. Children are like scrambled eggs, the more you beat them the better they become."

Jim and Quinn both look apprehensive.

* * *

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, 2019...**

Jim continues to tell the story.

"That began a whole new host of problems."

Quinn bitterly said "After finding out we were having boys Jim's father became obsessed. He was constantly calling with his so called 'parenting tips'."

Jim said "Most of them boiled down to two things. One, toughen the boys up by brutalizing them. Two, put Quinn in her place."

Quinn said "My father in law believes all women belong barefoot and in the kitchen. He also believes only soldiers and atheletes are men. He was determined to make us both live up to that messed up ideal."

Helen said "I remember you complaining about that, Quinn. I suggested you file a restraining order."

Quinn said "I would've if I'd known how far Tony was going to take it."

Jim said "I'm sorry I didn't do more to stand up to him. Not that it would've done any good. Dad would've just put me through a wall face first."

Jake bitterly said "Oh, do I ever know what that's like. If I dared to contradict my father, even respectfully, he'd smack me like a rag doll before making me do PT drills."

With equal bitterness, Jim said "I didn't even have to misbehave to get a beating. My old man would sometimes whip me just to see how tough I was by seeing how long it took me to cry out."

"Mad Dog backhanded my wife when he first met her!"

"Tony did the same thing to Quinn when I introduced them!"

"THREW ME IN MILITARY SCHOOL AND FREAKING LEFT ME THERE!"

"HATED ME FOR BEING BAD AT SPORTS!"

"WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE A GI JOE!"

"WOULDN'T LET ME TAKE UP A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT!"

At this point, both Quinn and Helen step in.

"JAKE!"

"JIM!"

Both men snap out of their rants.

"Sorry!"

Quinn said "Anyway, as the due date approached Tony decided to take a more direct hand in things."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2012...**

Quinn and Jim are watching TV. On the screen is an image of a drill sergeant screaming orders at newborn infants.

"He proves you're never too young to be a soldier. Baby Boot Camp, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Just then, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it." said Jim as he left the couch and went to the front door. He frowns when the door opens and he sees that it's Tony.

"Hey, Jim. I figured since the babies are almost due I'd come by and make sure you and that red haired slut do things right for a change."

Jim gulps as a sense of impending doom overtakes him.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, 2012, evening...**

Jim, Quinn and Tony are sitting down and having dinner. Tony takes a bite of food.

"Well, at least one of you can cook."

Offended, Quinn said "For your information, I broadcast a cooking show on YouTube from this very kitchen."

Tony said "Well, now you can do it right. Now that you have kids it's high time to let Jim be a man and make the money."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Dad, we both make money. Quinn and I are business partners, remember?"

Tony said "And now you can take over the business while Quinn's being a mother. Just don't let her coddle the boys like your mother coddled you and Chris."

Quinn angrily stands up.

"Excuse me!? I'll have you know that I intend to keep on being a YouTuber after the boys are born."

Tony barked "You can't do that! You can't be a mother and have a career!"

Quinn retorted "You can when you work from home."

Tony said "How are you going to give them attention?"

Quinn said "My kids come first. I won't neglect my family for my career." _Like my mother did._

Tony said "That's womanly foolishness."

Quinn is totally put off by the openly sexist comment.

"WHAT are you saying!?"

Tony said "I'm saying women are too damn emotional to cut it. That's why this country's in the shitter right now. Damn freedom hating liberals."

Jim finally said "Dad, could we not talk politics?"

Tony barked "Screw that! I'll be damned if my grandsons get there minds poisoned by the commie propaganda machine known as the Democrat Party. When I think of how they got a communist n#$%& like Obama elected President it makes me wanna puke. He's not even American. He was born in Africa with all the other savages."

Quinn refuses to back down.

"I'll have you know that both Jim and I voted for Obama in 2008 and we're voting for him again this year."

Tony gets out of his seat and walks over to Jim.

"Is this true!?"

Finding his backbone, Jim said "It's true, Dad. The fact is that Bush and Co messed things up so bad that we needed something different."

Tony hissed "An America that appeases her enemies, punishes hard work and rewards hedonism."

Jim said "Dad, I'm sorry you feel that way. The fact is that while you're more than welcome to visit, you're family after all, those triplets are mine and Quinn's. Raising them is OUR responsibility and we'll do it OUR way."

"You mean raise them to be pussy's." Tony growled.

Jim tried to explain "Look, Dad, I'm sorry. The fact is that both my wife and I don't see things your way."

"Bad enought you vote Democrat, an act akin to treason, but you won't even listen to me!? TRAITOR!"

Tony punches Jim so hard that he falls out of his chair and is unconscious. Quinn is horrified.

"JIM! THAT'S IT!"

She immediately whips out her cell phone.

Tony asked "What are you doing?"

Quinn said "Calling the police. Jim may be willing to stomach you're bullshit but I'm not."

Tony smugly said "Oh, really. What? You gonna have me arrested for telling the truth?"

Equally smug, Quinn said "No, I'm gonna have you arrested for harrassment, trespassing and assault. Granted, the trespassing charge won't stick but assault and harrassment will."

Tony turns white as a sheet. Being a cop himself he knows that Quinn's right.

"Fine, I'll go."

Tony quickly packs up and leaves, prompting Quinn not to call the cops after all.

* * *

 **A short time later...**

Jim is now conscious and Quinn has just told him what happened while he was out.

"So," he said, "You got Dad to leave by threatening to call the cops on him?"

Quinn nodded.

"It seemed like the best solution."

"Quinn, I'm sorry. I should've stood up to him more."

Quinn reassured him.

"Don't worry, hon. I get it. He's your father. That means he's family despite everything. Remember that Memorial Day party back in '07?"

Jim nodded. His parents had shown up and the situation got so chaotic that Jim and Jake got drunk in the back yard while Quinn and Helen had to take matters into their own hands.

Quinn said "Remember the next day, after you spent the whole night sleeping it off in my old room?"

Jim said "Yes." He couldn't forget that. It was the worst hangover he'd ever had.

Quinn said "I told you that if I'd ever decided to spend the rest of my life with you I was willing to take everything that comes with that, including in laws that I can't stand. I meant every word of it then and it's just as true now as it was when I first said it. I love you so much I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be with you. Always have, always will."

Jim kissed his wife on her cheek.

"I know. I just wish I didn't feel so inadequate at times like this."

Quinn reassured her husband.

"Jim, you're not inadequate. You've given me everything I've ever wanted in a relationship and even things I didn't realize I needed. You're perfect. They say there's such a thing as 'the one', that one perfect person for you. You're living proof that it's true. Jim, I know you're scared and I understand why. You're not your father. If you're unsure how to handle a situation with the kids just let me know and I'll show you how it's done. We're a team. Raising children is just one more thing we'll be working together on. You may not believe it, but you'll make a great father. I know it."

Jim kisses Quinn again.

"Thanks, babe."

Suddenly, Quinn feels a sharp and sudden pain in her abdomen.

"AHH!"

Jim looks worried. Quinn feels the pain again.

"OH, GOD!"

Frightened, Jim asked "Honey, what's wrong!?"

Quinn said "I just had two contractions."

* * *

 **Cedar's of Lawndale, the next morning...**

After the contractions Jim hurridely drove Quinn to the hospital. All through the night her contractions steadily increased in both frequency and intensity. At 9:00 the next morning her water broke. Now she was on a table in the delivery room with her legs spread open. Jim is by her side while Dr. Rajahm, assisted by a team of nurses, handles the delivery. For Quinn the pain is unbearable.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH! I'M DYING! I KNOW I'M DYING! I'M DYYYIIIINNNNNGGGG!"

Frightened, Jim looks at Dr. Rajahm. She reassures him.

"Don't worry, Mr. Carbone. They always think they're dying the first time." She turns her attention back to the task at hand. "You're doing fine, Mrs. Carbone. Push."

"AHHHHHHH! GOD, IT HURTS!"

Holding Quinn's hand in his, Jim said "It's alright, honey. You're doing good."

Quinn faces her husband.

"I'M GOING TO F # CASTRATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME, JIM!"

A terrified Jim once again looks at Dr. Rajahm. She once again reassures him.

"They make that threat EVERY time."

Jim gulps while Quinn continues the painful process of pushing three babies out of her.

* * *

 **A private room at Cedars, several hours later...**

Quinn is laying in bed holding two of her newborn triplets while Jim holds the third. They're being visited by Jake, Helen and Daria.

Helen said "They're so adorable!"

Daria looked at the one held in Quinn's right arm. Daria and the baby appear to be studying each other intently as this baby seemed the least lively.

"You know," said Daria, "This one reminds me of me. I don't know why, but he seems to be looking at me the same way I look at everything."

Quinn said "I thought so too. That's why his middle name is Darius. Theodore Darius Carbone."

Jake asked "What did you name the other two?"

Quinn holds up the one in her left arm.

"Thomas Quinten Carbone."

Jim holds up the third.

"Timothy James Carbone."

Daria said "So, you gave one of them the male version of my first name as a middle name, another one the male version of Quinn as a middle name and made Jim's first name the middle name of the third. Any reason for the first names?"

Jim shrugged.

"You have to admit that Timmy, Tommy and Teddy does roll off the tongue pretty easy."

Jake looked at the triplets and made a funny face.

"GOO-GOO!"

The newborns react differently. Timmy cried while Tommy laughed. Teddy made a face that seemed like mild annoyance.

* * *

 **Kara's Wild Family Fun Center, exactly seven years later...**

Quinn finishes telling the story to the assembled birthday party.

"...and that's the story of how Jim and I became parents."

Ming said "That touching story, Quinn."

Chan mockingly said "It take you whole day to give birth. Ming have Michelle in half the time."

Ming angrily said to her husband "How you know? You on business trip when I give birth to Michelle."

Chan said "Like real provider, not lazy grease monkey like Jim."

Jim stares daggers at Chan.

"You know," said Stacy in an attempt to break the tension, "I went almost 24 hours from first contraction to final push with Q. It was a lot easier than when I had Chucky because I knew what I was in for."

Brittany said "It gets easier each time. The only time it was harder for me was when I had twins. Other than that, Ultra was the hardest."

Kevin said "Yeah, we both thought she was dying when she had him."

Brittany said "Kevin Jr. was the easiest."

"I remember that," said Kevin, "I was so proud when I saw him the first time. I mean, I love all five of my kids but Kevin Jr. was special. I'm such a badass that I actually produced a black kid."

Almost everyone rolls their eyes as it's obvious Kevin really believes that. The only one who doesn't eye roll is Daryl. His expression is a mixture of sadness and frustration.

 _I can't believe this idiot is raising MY son!_

He briefly considers letting the truth out but thinks better of it.

 _Then again, Kevin's the only father Kevin Jr.'s ever known. Do I really wanna take that away from him?_

Daryl decides to keep his mouth shut.

 _Maybe when he's older and can handle it. For now, he's better off believing the lie._

They all continue to enjoy themselves without incident.

 **End.**

 **Next Time**

Chemotherapy proves to Daria that the cure really IS worse than the disease.


	20. Badside Manner

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 20**

 **"Badside Manner"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Mayo Clinic, day...**

Daria is seated in a chair receiving radioactive drugs through an IV drip. She's fully recovered from her surgery and is undergoing chemotherapy. Quinn is sitting next to her.

"How are you feeling, sis?"

Daria said "Not so bad. I mean it sucks getting an IV of stuff that's gonna make me sicker than the cancer ever did. What I don't get is why I even need this. Dr. Conway removed all of the cancer during surgery."

"Daria," said Quinn, "We went over this during post op. He just wants to make sure thay got it all. At least you won't be doing several months of this."

Daria had to admit Quinn had a point. Originally, she was supposed to go through several months of chemo. Turns out she won't even have to do even a whole month. Just twice a week for the next few. Still, it did seem unecessary.

"You know, Quinn," she said, "Have you considered the possibility that the real reason for this is to milk extra money out of me?"

Quinn said "You know, Daria, not everyone is motivated solely by the pursuit of the almighty dollar. Doctors are ethically bound to do no harm, after all."

Daria said "So are lawyers, but that doesn't stop Mom's old firm from violating ethics every chance they get."

Quinn frowns as she knows it's true. She'd heard Helen complain about just that many times over the years. Daria decides to change the subject.

"You know, Quinn, you didn't have to take today off. Jim could've driven me here and back."

Quinn said "He's at work. He can't."

Daria said "I thought both of you worked from home."

Quinn said "Jim's making a racing video. He's at that racetrack near Atlantic City filming. So, yes, he's at work. He's just working out in the field today instead of the office."

* * *

 **South Jersey Raceway, day...**

Jim's blue Camaro ZL1 pulls up to the start/finish line. Next to him is a red Mustang Shelby GT500. Mack is driving that one. At the spotter's stand Kevin's holding up a camcorder for the wide shots while Chuck is in the bleachers controlling a camera mounted drone for close up shots. He now stands on pit road with a camcorder trained on Jim and Mack as they rev their cars. Jim stars intently.

VROOM! VROOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!

Mack revs his own engine.

VROOOM! VROOOOOMMMMM! VROOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

They look at Chuck. He gives them a signal.

VRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Jim and Mack race neck in neck toward the first turn. Jim handles the turn better than Mack and comes out ahead. Mack's eyes narrow.

"Oh, no, you don't!"

Mack rockets his car ahead and cuts Jim off at the next turn. Now, Jim's behind him.

"So, that's how you wanna play, huh. Okay, Mack, let's see you stay focused when I'm literally on your ass."

This straight is so long that Jim's able to draft behind Mack. He slides behind Mack. With no wind resistance Jim in on Mack's bumper by the time they reach the next turn. Both men execute the turn flawlessly. They come out of the turn with the front of Jim's Camaro touching the back of Mack's mustang. Jim tries to pass, but Mack blocks him. Jim makes his displeasure known by ramming Mack, not hard enough to damage either car, but it does freak Mack out.

"WHATTHEF #$!"

Mack gives Jim the one fingered salute. Jim smiles.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that rubbing's racing!?"

They take the next turn. They go in side by side and come out side by side. Jim pulls ahead of Mack clean.

"So, that's how it is, is it!"

Mack slides behind Jim and rides his draft. As they reach the next turn Mack is on his bumper and hitting Jim. Jim doesn't mind at all.

"Alright! Now, it's a race!"

Mack continues to ride Jim through the straight. Finally, he tries to nudge Jim aside. Jim's Camaro goes into the grass. Both Chuck and Kevin see this and gasp as Jim slided out of control. He doesn't crash, however. Jim's was rushing toward the wall at breakneck speed but managed to steer back onto the track. He, amazingly, stayed ahead of Mack the whole time. Mack is dumbfounded.

"How the hell did he do that!?"

Jim enters the next turn first, but Mack is right behind him. In the straight he's able to pull up alongside Jim and they enter the final turn at the same time. As they head toward the finish line neither is able to get ahead. Jim moves his car dangerously close to Mack. This makes Mack so nervous that he automatically slows down and Jim is able to pull ahead. He reaches the line first.

* * *

 **The pits, a short time later...**

Jim is talking to Kevin while Chuck is putting up his drone.

"Dude," said Kevin, "that was pretty cool the way you kept your lead in the grass."

Jim smiled.

"Thanks, Kevin."

Chuck said "I'll burn the drone footage onto a disk and bring it by your place tomorrow."

At this point, the three are approached by the man who was timing them. The man is called Shaggy (yes, the same Shaggy who was a backgrounder in most of Daria's classes).

Shaggy said "Well, I have your scores right here."

Mack walks up to Jim. He does not look happy.

"Jim, what the hell was that!?"

Jim asked "What do you mean?"

Mack said "On that last stretch you tried to hit me on the side."

Jim explained "It's called side drafting. I get close enough to your car to disrupt the air around it in order to gain speed while slowing you down. The pros do it all the time."

"AHEM!"

They all look at Shaggy.

Shaggy said "Okay, the scores are as follows. Time trial, Jim at one minute, forty five seconds, Mack at one minute, forty six seconds. Quarter mile timed run, Jim, 11.1 seconds, Mack, 11.0 seconds. Quarter mile race, Jim wins by .64 seconds. Full lap shootout, Jim at two minutes flat, Mack at two minutes, two seconds. Total score, Jim has seven points while Mack has five points. Congratulations, Jim."

Mack said "I guess it pays to race dirty."

Jim takes offense.

"What EXACTLY are you getting at?"

Mack gets in Jim's face.

"My car has more horsepower. I should've dusted you in every event."

Jim said "Hey, I had the skills to make up the difference. Why you being such a sore loser?"

Mack angrily said "You bumped me on the second straight!"

Jim refuses to back down.

"I didn't bump you, I rubbed you!"

Mack spat "This isn't 'Days Of Thunder'!"

Jim fired back "'Rubbing's Racing' is just as true in real life as it was in that movie. Don't get so high and mighty. You tried to spin me out on the third straight!"

Mack said "You slamed me first. And then you nudged me on the final stretch."

Jim shouted "IT'S CALLED SIDE DRAFTING, FOR CHRISSAKE!"

"IT'S CALLED BEING AN ASSHOLE!"

Jim said "HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU RACE LIKE A PUSSY!"

Mack punches Jim for that. Jim punches Mack back. While Mack only punched Jim hard enough to sting him a little Jim's punch was so hard that Mack has a bloody lip. He glares menacingly at Jim.

"It's on now, asshole!"

Mack and Jim begin to beat each other up in earnest while Chuck, Kevin and Shaggy look on.

Shaggy asked "Aren't you going to break it up?"

Chuck said "No, I'm not suicidal."

Kevin said "Yeah, we'll just get our asses kicked. I should know. I've screwed up enough to catch a beating from both of them before."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in Lawndale...**

Quinn's Cadillac is driving down the street. Daria rides shotgun while Quinn drives home. Daria yawns.

"So," said Quinn, "How are you feeling, sis?"

"Tired."

Quinn is visibly concerned, which Daria notices.

"Don't worry, Quinn. My exhaustion's more mental than physical."

Quinn is relieved to hear that.

"So, you aren't feeling any bad effects?"

Daria said "Quinn, the stuff's only been in my system for a few hours. I know I'm in for hell. I'm okay for now, though."

Quinn looks both relieved and concerned.

"You know," said Daria, "You might wanna explain to the kids why I'm going bald."

Quinn said "Daria, I'm not sure if four weeks of chemo will cause total hair loss."

Daria said "Possible, but unlikely. I will experience some shedding, though. I looked it up on line."

"Maybe you won't need that wig I bought you for Christmas after all."

Daria said "I held onto it just in case. Some people have a bad reaction to chemo. I could be one of the handful who go from normal to UNICEF commercal in a matter of days."

Quinn tries to reassure her sister.

"You'll be fine, Daria. Besides, you can call on me or Jim if you need anything. Why do you think I suggested you temporarily move in with us during your treatment."

Daria said "I know, and I really appreciate it. I hope I'm not a burden."

Quinn said "You aren't, sis. Besides, you'd do the same for me."

Daria thought _Let's not put that to the test_ but said "Um...Yeah."

Quinn isn't upset. She knows how Daria likes to put up a front when she's stressed out.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Daria, Jim, Timmy, Tommy and Teddy are at the kitchen table eating dinner. The topic of conversation would be Daria's chemo if it weren't for Jim's black eye and cut lip.

"Jim, what happened!?" asked Quinn.

Jim said "Mack was a sore loser and we came to blows over the issue."

"Cool!" said Tommy.

Timmy asked "Did ya win, Dad?"

Jim bragged "The race or the fight? I won both."

Tommy and Timmy said in unison "Awesome!"

Teddy rolled his eyes while Daria silently wondered _What is it about testosterone that makes best friends beat up on each other for the least little reason?_ Quinn snaps right into mom mode.

"Boys," she said to both Tommy and Timmy, "Fighting's never the answer. Your father and mister MacKenzie acted like idiots and have probably made up by now."

Jim's face darkened as he muttered "Not freaking likely."

Quinn heard that.

"Jim, you can't be serious?"

Jim said "I'll apologize for kicking his ass when he apologizes for being a punk bitch about losing."

Quinn hissed "Jim, language! You know how I feel about both fighting and cursing at the dinner table."

Jim said "Sorry about the swearing. I'm not sorry for the fight. He was asking for it."

Quinn said "You're friends."

Jim said "He punched me so I kicked his ass. I'll apologize when he does."

The argument's about to get heated. Daria smirks as she has the perfect remark ready to roll off her tongue. Before a word is spoken, however, Daria suddenly looks distressed.

 _Oh No!_

She holds a hand over her mouth. Quinn notices her sisters distress.

"Daria, are you okay?"

Daria tries to ask to be excused, but all that comes out of her mouth is...

"BBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She pukes all over the dinner table.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Daria is in the guest room being tucked in by Quinn since her bout of nausea was immediately followed by exhaustion. Daria looks as bad as she feels.

"Sorry I ruined dinner, Quinn."

Quinn said "It's okay, Daria. You're sick."

Daria said "I'm still sorry. I didn't think I'd get this bad so quickly."

Quinn said "Remember what the doctor said? Some people get sick right away."

"I still don't see why I still have to do chemo."

Quinn said "You'd rather have the cancer come back. The doctor was clear on this, Daria. We do chemothreapy as a precaution. What if the cancer comes back somplace they can't operate on?"

Daria bitterly said "I'm sure milking more money out of me factors into Dr. Conway's motives as well."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

"You make it sound like he's a greedy quack. Think about it, sis. Mayo clinic's one of the best treatment centers in the world. You think they'd let someone like that work there?"

Daria sees her point.

"I guess. I just wish I didn't feel so miserable."

"Daria," said Quinn, "Think of it this way. Once the chemo's done they start you on hormone treatments to restore your body function, you get better, life returns to normal and we can put all of this behind us. Yes, you're suffering now, but it'll be over soon."

Quinn even kisses Daria on the cheek. That alone tells Daria something.

 _Quinn hates seeing me like this. She's putting on a brave face for my sake._

Quinn gets up and begin's to leave the guest room. She points to the bell on the nightstand.

"Let us know if you need anything."

"I will."

"Goodnight, sis."

Quinn's about to walk out when...

"Quinn?"

Quinn turns around.

"Yeah, Daria."

"Thanks."

Both sisters smile.

* * *

 **The master bedroom, later...**

Quinn and Jim are getting ready to call it a night. Jim doesn't look happy.

"Quinn," he said, "Why'd you insist on me cleaning up the mess myself?"

Quinn said "I wanted to make a point to the boys. You were bragging about a fistfight you won. A fistfight with your best friend."

Jim protested "I wasn't bragging, I was just stating the facts."

Quinn said "I still felt I needed to make an example by punishing you in front of the boys."

"Why?"

Quinn answered "Because when you fight it sets a bad example for the boys, that's why."

Jim snarked "Says the woman who got a kick out of guys fighting over her in high school."

Quinn stares daggers at her husband.

"That was a low blow, Jim. I don't want our children repeating any of our mistakes, and manipulating boys was one of my biggest."

Jim said "Quinn, guys fight. It's what we do. Also, didn't you and Sandi once beat each other up in high school."

Quinn grows more frustrated by Jim's repeated attempts to turn this back on her.

"Dammit, Jim! I'm trying to tell you that fighting over something like race results is stupid and childish and you keep bringing up my faults. What are you, in first grade?"

Jim said "Look, just drop it!"

Jim's sudden desire to end the discussion tells Quinn that she's won this argument. She isn't done yet, though.

"Jim," she said, "Both you and Mack are being immature jerks about this. Especially you since you were trying to turn this back on me. Look, we've both done stupid things when we were younger but we're parents now. We have to be better than that and set an example."

Jim hissed "I'm seriously considering sleeping on the couch tonight."

Quinn gasped.

"Jim, now you're being totally unreasonable."

Jim says nothing, but takes his pillow and makes his way downstairs. Once he's gone Quinn angrily folds her arms and huffs.

 _Jerk!_

* * *

 **A few days later...**

Daria is in the bathroom. She's hunched over the toilet puking. Once done she wipes her mouth and flushes. She weakly makes her way to the sink and looks in the mirror. Her face is drained of color, she has bags under her eyes and chunks of her hair is missing.

 _If I were more like Quinn this would really bother me._

Daria's stomach growls. Now that she's vomited she's hungry again.

 _I'm either hungry or nauseous, when I'm not so tired I feel like passing out. The problem is every time I try to eat something I just puke it up a few minutes later. I didn't think I'd get this bad this quickly. Also, my scalp itches like hell._

She scratches her scalp and another chunk of her hair falls out.

* * *

 **A short time later...**

Daria is sitting in a chair in the master bathroom. Quinn is standing behind her with an electric razor.

"You sure you wanna do this, Daria?"

Daria answered "Since I don't wanna leave a trail of my hair everywhere, yes."

Quinn proceeds to shave Daria's head. She tries to make small talk.

"How are you feeling, sis?"

"Well," said Daria, "I'm alternating between losing my hair and losing my meal. I'm constantly exhausted while being nauseous and hungry at the same time." She sighs before she continues. "Basically, I feel like I'm dying."

Quinn tries to be cheerful.

"You're not dying, Daria. And don't start with the claims that Dr. Conway's trying to make money off your suffering."

Daria said "Quinn, I'm having chemo despite all of the cancer being removed by surgery. That doesn't make you just a little suspicious?"

Quinn looks thoughtful as she finishes.

"Done, sis."

Daria looks in the mirror and sees her now totally exposed scalp. She frowns.

* * *

 **The Thompson house, a few days later...**

It's raining. A springtime drizzle that lasts all day. Jim and Kevin are on the porch, which is covered, drinking beer and watching the rain fall. They're talking about the situation with Daria.

"Dude!," said Kevin, "Daria's bald!?"

Jim explained "That's what happens when you get chemo. She also can't eat, she can't sleep and she's been getting the chills lately."

Kevin asked "Has she talked to her doctor about this?"

Jim said "She's been trying, but everytime she calls she gets his secretary. She leaves a message but he never responds. I think he's ignoring her."

Kevin said "Good thing I'll never have to do that. I'm never getting cancer."

With that, Kevin lights a Marlboro cigarette and proceeds to smoke. Just then, Daryl's corvette pulls up in front of the house. Daryl comes out holding an umbrella and walks up to the porch.

"Mr. Thompson, I'm here to pick up your wife so we can...um...go to the gym."

Smiling, Kevin said "I'll go get her."

He goes into the house.

"The gym, huh." said Jim.

Daryl said "Yes, only by gym I mean date and by exercise I mean passionate lovemaking."

Jim nods. This affair has been going on so long that he's completely unfazed by it now. Kevin and Brittany emarge from the house. Brittany is dressed more for a hot date than for exercise.

"Hey, Daryl," she said, "Ready?"

Daryl said "You bet, babe...I mean Mrs. Thompson."

Daryl holds Brittany close under the umbrella as they walk to his car. Kevin looks at them in thought. It looks like he just figured it out until...

"Dude, he's keeping her close so she doesn't get wet. Daryl's such a thoughtful guy, isn't he?"

Jim rolls his eyes. Kevin STILL suspects nothing.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Daria are seated on the couch watching TV. Daria is covered in thick blankets and shivering. Her face is drained of color and so emaciated that her cheek and jaw bones are visible. Quinn, on the other hand, is stripped down to her underwear and sweating profusely. On the TV is an image of a zombie walking out of a hospital.

"What's the best to save a crash victim? Bring him back as a zombie! Voodoo in the ER, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Daria shivers.

"I know just how he feels."

Quinn looks at her sister with concern.

"At least you still have your wit, sis."

Just then, Tommy walks by. He's also sweating profusely and is stripped down to his superhero underwear.

"Mom, why's it so hot in here?"

Quinn looks like she clearly doesn't know how to tell a seven year old that it's because his aunt feels freezing cold at all times.

"You want something, Tommy?"

Tommy asked "Can I go for a swim in the pool?"

Quinn said "Tommy, it's forty degrees outside. You'll get pneumonia."

Tommy sighs and walks off. Quinn watches her son with a look of sympathy on her face.

Daria said "I'm freezing. I'm still fr...freezing c...cold.." She shivers violently.

"Daria," said Quinn, "I've turned the heat up so high that the rest of us are stripped down to our underwear and still drowning in sweat, and you're STILL cold!?"

Quinn is about to stand up when Daria practically barks at her.

"DON'T YOU DARE TURN DOWN THE THERMOSTAT!"

Quinn said "I'm just going to the kitchen for a drink. Can I get you anything?"

Daria said "I'd ask for food, but we know what happens whenever I try to eat."

At this point, Jim comes in. He's completely naked. He sees Daria.

"OH, GOD!"

He puts his hands in front of him in an attempt to cover up his privates. Daria decides to tease him.

"If that's what's in your pants no wonder my sister's been in love with you for so long."

Jim blushes with embarrassment while Daria smirks.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the following week...**

Daria is in the kitchen on the phone. She looks like a bald, emaciated corpse.

"I see...Well, let him know I called...Yes, I..."

Quinn is nearby and decides she can't take it anymore.

"Gimmie that!"

She snatches the phone from Daria's hand and gives the scretary a piece of her mind.

"Look, my sister's in bad shape and...WHAT!?...You suggest we file a complaint!...How dare you? Do you know who I am!?...I'm the S'more 'n' Pores girl...Excuse me...I'll have you know that my mother's a lawyer and..." Quinn looks ready to kill. "SHE HUNG UP ON ME! THAT BITCH!"

Quinn puts the phone on the receiver so hard it sounds like it might break into a bunch of pieces.

"Oh, yeah," deadpanned Daria, "That'll make them cooperate."

Sitting down, Quinn said "I get that Dr. Conway's busy, but he can't take a few minutes to talk to you!? What the hell!?"

Daria said "He's avoiding me. Dr. Conway knows that I'm perceptive. I'm pretty sure he's doing this to me less for my benefit and more to keep the money from big pharma coming in."

Quinn sighed.

"I'm beginning to think you're right. Two whole weeks and he won't return your call."

Just then, Jim comes in.

"Something wrong, babe?"

Daria explained "She just reached the conclusion that Dr. Conway doesn't give a shit. He's obviously avoiding me."

Jim said "Tom told me he's a member of Winged Tree. Golf's there all the time. I guess I could ask Tom to talk to him."

Quinn suddenly gets an idea. Grinning, she said "Why don't you talk to him?"

Jim said "I'm not a member."

Quinn said "But Tom owes you for inspecting his Ferrarri free of charge. Call in the favor." Quinn bats her eyes at her husband. "Please."

Jim said "Okay, but I don't see how I can convince Dr. Conway to treat Daria better."

Grinning, Quinn said "Remember that _Sopranos_ episode where Uncle Junior was being treated for cancer?"

Jim smiles as he knows what she has in mind.

* * *

 **Mack's house, afternoon...**

Jim rings the doorbell. Mack answers.

"Jim!"

Jim said "Can I come in?"

The living room, a short time later...

Jim and Mack are talking about the incident at the track a few weeks earlier.

"Sorry I beat you up."

Mack said "It's okay, Jim. We were both out of line. I shouldn't have been so sore about losing. You were just racing me hard."

Jim said "That's why I got so pissy when you complained. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

Mack continued "I get it. We were racing each other pretty hard. I just didn't wanna accept defeat. Too damn proud for my own good, I guess."

"I get it." said Jim, "Why do you think fights sometimes break out at NASCAR events? Things get heated."

Mack said "I thought about it. I think it also has to do with our differen't styles of racing. I'm an F1 type of driver while your style is more like old school NASCAR."

Jim said "I still shouldn't have called you a pussy. Sorry about that."

Mack said "I'm sorry I punched you."

"I'm sorry I punched you back."

"I'm sorry I tried to put you into a wall face first."

Jim said "I'm sorry I succeeded in putting you in a wall face first."

Mack said "I'm sorry I spun you into the grass."

"I'm sorry I rammed you from behind."

Mack extends his hand.

"We cool now."

Jim shakes it.

"We're cool."

Mack asked "How's Daria?"

Jim said "That's another reason I'm here. Don't get me wrong, us making up was long overdue and I'd probably be here anyway just for that. We need you help."

Mack smiled.

"Jim, anything for you guys."

Jim warned "It involves both of us going to Winged Tree and playing into black and Italian stereotypes."

"Making rich WASPy types uncomfortable. I'm in."

* * *

 **Winged Tree Country Club, day...**

Dr. Conway is on the gulf course playing a round with his buddies. It's a pleasant spring afternoon. He's wearing a tweed jacket over a polo shirt. Over his curly gray hair is a PGA cap. While one of his friends tees off Dr. Conway's talking with the others.

"...so I give her chemo as a 'precautionary measure'. She doesn't even need it but the company making those drugs is paying me enough for a new yaht."

One friend sneered "Ignorant plebians."

They all laugh that annoying snooty laugh of the top one percent. Just then, a gulf cart comes up. Jim and Mack step off and walk up to Dr. Conway. Jim has a gulf club wrapped in a bow with him.

"Dr. Conway," said Jim, "Just the man I was looking for."

Dr. Conway said "May I help you?"

The others are visibly nervous as they see Mack scowl. A scowling black man is always frightening in a place as lily white as Winged Tree.

Jim said "My sister in law's a patient of yours. Daria Morgendorffer. You've met her and my wife."

Dr. Conway politely said "Yes, I'm treating Daria and I know her sister, Quinn."

"I'm Quinn's husband. Jim Carbone."

Dr. Conway said "Carbone, what nationality it that?"

"Italian. Yes, I grew up in New York."

Dr. Conway tries not to show how nervous he is.

 _Italian, from New York, has an angry black man with him. Oh, God! Is he mafia!?_

One of the doctors friends asked "What's going on?"

Jim said "Just wanna talk to Dr. Conway for a minute. He'll catch up."

Mack's angry scowl makes the other guys feel they have no choice. They leave Dr. Conway alone with Jim and Mack. Jim holds up the golf club while Mack scowls angrily at the doctor.

"Here," said Jim, "Titanium alloy. I have one, added ten yards to my swing."

Jim and Mack start to crowd Dr. Conway. He feels trapped.

"Mr. Carbone, I can't..."

Jim said "After everything you've done for my sister in law. Anyway," Jim holds the club as if preparing to hit something with it. "What am I gonna do with it?," The menacing gesture stops. "I already got one and my friend here, he don't play."

Mack growled "Stupid whitey game."

Resigned, Dr. Conway takes the club.

"I could always use more distance."

Crowding Dr. Conway, Jim said "Who couldn't?"

Dr. Conway slowly backs away as Jim and Mack crowd him.

"You know," said Jim, "Daria's having a bad reaction to that chemo."

Dr. Conway nervously said "That happens, there's nothing I can do."

Shaking his fist, Mack said "There are worse things that can happen to a person than cancer."

Dr. Conway said "She can always call my office."

Jim said "You might wanna get a new secretary. I don't think you're getting your messages."

At this point, Dr. Conway backs into a water trap. He can't go further back. Jim and Mack have him cornered.

"You know," said Jim, "Daria thinks she's dying. Now, you know how these intellectual cynics are with their conspiracy theories. She thinks you're doing this just to get money from the drug companies."

"I...Mr. Carbone, I'm not...I swear!"

Mack slaps Dr. Conway's cap off.

"You had a bee on your head."

In a VERY threatening tone, Jim said "Show that woman respect. Answer her calls. Treat her like a human being, not a cash cow. We understand each other?"

Dr. Conway says nothing but looks ready to pee himself. Jim channels his inner Tony (both Soprano and Carbone).

"I said, do we understand each other?"

Dr. Conway nods. He get's out his pager.

"Heather, clear my schedule for an appointment with Miss Morge..."

Mack smacks the pager out of his hand and into the water.

Jim barked "Just remember it!"

Jim and Mack leave. Dr. Conway does numbers one and two in his pants.

* * *

 **Mayo clinic, the next day...**

Daria is recieving another chemo injection. Quinn is with her.

Daria said "I don't know how much more I can handle."

At this point, Dr. Conway approaches.

"Daria."

Daria is surprised to see him.

"Dr. Conway!? What are you doing here?"

Dr. Conway said "I wanted to see how you were doing. Sorry I didn't return your calls. I've been busy."

Daria said "The chemo's been hell."

Dr. Conway said "I have some good news. I saw your most recent blood work. No trace of cancerous tissue. This is your last session. I also scheduled you to see and endochronologist next week. By then you should be ready for hormone therapy. By this time next month you should be back to normal."

Quinn said "That's great!"

Dr. Conway gives Quinn a frightened look.

 _She didn't even need chemo. I'm not getting the money, but if it keeps your psycho husband off my back.._

Daria said "Thanks, Dr. Conway."

Quinn has a triumphant grin. Her plan worked.

* * *

 **The gym, a few nights later...**

Mack and Jim step into a boxing ring in shorts and gloves.

"Jim," said Mack, "We don't have to do this."

Jim shook his head.

"I still think I got off light for that incident at the track. I figure we go a few rounds. Loser buys the beer."

They put mouth guards in.

Jim said "Wanna ring the bell?"

"Ding-ding." said Mack.

The two guys circle. At the same time they each throw a right punch.

 **Music:** "Eye Of The Tiger" by Survivor

 **End.**

 **Next Time**

Sandi and Lisa's relationship hits a VERY rough patch.


	21. Love Drunk

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 21**

 **"Love Drunk"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Downtown Philadelphia, evening...**

Sandi and her girlfriend, Lisa, are on a dinner date at a fancy restaurant. Sandi is especially invested in this relationship since this is the first time in a long time that her life has been going right. First, she lost her position when the Fashion Club disbanded. During her first year of college she came out as bisexual and her mother disowned her for it. She spent the next few years working at Food Lord. She lived in a homeless shelter until she'd saved enough for her own apartment. At this time Quinn and the other Fashion Clubbers came back into her life but that was the lone bright spot. Her rent went up, forcing her to quit Food Lord and become a stripper. She found the job of dancing naked for strangers very degrading. She was just glad the place had a strict look but don't touch policy. As a stripper she made enough to go back to college and get a degree. Then came the 2007-2009 recession. She had to keep stripping because the job market was so tight that no other employment was available. Through it all she had a string of failed relationships. Things seemed to turn around after that, though. She and Joey (of the three J's) fell in love. At the same time, the economy began to improve and she was able to get a more respectable job and leave her stripping days behind her. She and Joey then got married. The marriage was a disaster. Joey constantly belittled Sandi and destroyed her self esteem with his manipulations and infidelities. Finally, after five hellish years, he left her for an 18 year old. This left her a needy, emotional wreck. After a year of wallowing in self pity and desperation she joined a support group for divorced women. It was there that she met Lisa.

The two became friends fast as Sandi finally got a handle on her issues. When Lisa revealed to Sandi that she was bisexual as well feelings of friendship quickly evolved into something more. They've been a steady couple since then. Now, they'd decided to ditch the suburb of Lawndale for a night in the city.

"Sandi," said Lisa, "Where did you find this place?"

Sandi said "Old habits die hard, and one of mine is keeping abreast of what's trendy."

Lisa said "Old habits?"

Sandi explained.

"Remember when I told you how back in high school I was President of the Fashion Club?"

Lisa nodded.

Sandi said "One of my duties was staying on top of the latest trends in all things chic, including trendy bars and restaurants. It's something I continue to do to this day."

Lisa smiled.

"Sandi, you're one of a kind. That's why I love you."

Sandi's eyes went wide.

"You...You love me!?"

Lisa blushed as she realized what she just let slip out.

"Sorry, but it's true. I've never clicked this well with anyone before. You get me in ways no one ever has. I guess it just came out."

Sandi looks thoughtful. She doesn't have to think long.

"Lisa, I love you too."

The two women leaned over the table and kissed, not caring if anyone was watching them.

* * *

 **Sandi's house in Lawndale, a few days later...**

Sandi and Lisa are in the living room seated on the couch. They both have huges smiles on their faces. Also there are Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany and Lindy. Lindy has her newborn son, Jason, with her.

Sandi said "Lisa and I have an announcement to make. Since you four are my dearest friends we decided to tell you before we tell anyone else. Lisa and I have decided that we're in love."

Quinn said "Sandi, that's wonderful."

Lindy said "Congratualtions, Sandi."

Tiffany said "Thaat's grreaat, Saanndiii."

Stacy said nothing but looked concerned.

Lisa added "That's not the only thing. See, I'm about to become your newest neighbor."

"You see," said Sandi, "Lisa and I talked it over. Since we're in love and she spends all of her free time here anyway we decided she should just move in with me."

The other girls are smiles, except for Stacy.

Lisa said "I marvel at how tight knit this neighborhood is. Didn't you all go to high school together?"

Lindy said "The other's did. I was already in college when I started hanging out with them."

Tiffany said "Iii stilll livve wiith myy paarents."

Quinn said "Us all living in the same neighborhood wasn't planned. It just worked out that way on it's own."

Stacy remains silent, but has a worried look on her face.

"Stacy," said Sandi, "What's wrong? You haven't said a word since I told you Lisa's moving in with me. Aren't you happy for me?"

Stacy said "Yes, I'm just worried. You've only been together a month. Don't you think things are moving kind of fast?"

Lisa admitted "It is sudden, I admit, but it just feels so right."

Stacy said "Didn't you two meet in a support group for divorced women?"

Sandi said "That's why things seem so fast. We already knew each other quite well when we started dating. We're just ahead of the curve. She knows how hellish my marriage was."

"And," said Lisa, "She knows I don't drink because I'm a recovering alcoholic."

Lindy said "Me too. You should've seen me back in college. I was so bad I couldn't do anything without a buzz. Quinn eventually staged an intervention that probably saved my life. I've relapsed once since then, but hopped right back on the wagon after that. I've been sober since then."

Lisa felt comfortable enough to share something with the rest of them that she'd never shared outside of the support group until now.

"I hear that. I quit drinking shortly after my divorce because it played a huge role in why Greg left. My drinking problem destroyed my marriage. "

Lindy now makes Lisa an offer.

"If you ever get super stressed give me a call. I can help you through it."

Lindy hands Lisa a piece of paper with her phone number and e-mail. Lisa takes it.

"Thanks."

Stacy now looks VERY concerned.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Daria, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are all at the kitchen table having dinner. Daria's now got what looks like a short buzz cut. Now that she's done with the chemo her hair is growing back and her appetite has returned. She's still rail skinny, however. Quinn is talking about the latest situation with Sandi.

"...so Lisa is moving in with Sandi."

Jim smiled.

"Sounds like Sandi's finally getting her life back together. I'm glad. I was getting tired of all the neediness."

Tommy said "I thought girls only fell in love with boys."

Timmy added "Why's Miss Griffin in love with another girl?"

Jim and Quinn both look awkward. They don't know how to explain bisexuality to seven year olds.

Daria said "It's because Miss Griffin's bisexual."

Jim said "Daria, that's not appropriate discussion for seven year olds!" Whispering in her ear, he added "What if it normalizes that sort of thing? I don't want my boys turning gay."

Daria, not bothering to be discreet, said "I didn't know you were homophobic, Jim."

Jim said "Daria, children!"

Quinn heard that.

"Jim, they're gonna find out eventually."

Jim said "They're too young for that stuff."

Teddy said "No we aren't, Dad. I've seen episodes of Will and Grace."

Quinn immediately understands.

"You're afraid knowing about homosexuality will make the boys gay, aren't you?"

Jim said "Look, I've no problem with consenting adults engaging in unusual sexual behavior. I just don't want the boys emulating that sort of thing."

Tommy and Timmy looked confused. They turn to Teddy, who sighs.

"He's afraid we'll turn out gay."

"TEDDY!" Jim barked.

Quinn said "Jim, it's not a choice and it's not a product of influence. Some people are born that way. Sandi just happens to fall in love with both boys and girls."

Timmy said "People can do that!?"

Quinn said "Yes, Timmy, and there's nothing wrong with it."

Tommy said "Okay, but I'm not going for guys...ever."

Teddy said "I think when I'm old enough for romance I'll stick with girls as well."

Jim looks relieved until...

"There's nothing wrong with that?" said Timmy, "I wonder if I'd fall in love with a guy. I'm interested in girls, but going for a guy might be cool to try."

Jim has one thought.

 _God, that kid needs to be straightened out pronto. Dad'll never let me live it down if one of the boys is a fag...not that there's anything wrong with that._

Clearly, Jim is not as liberal and open minded as he thinks he is.*

* **Authors Note:**

I'm going to interrupt the story here to clear up a few things so people won't start screaming for my severed head on a pike. Jim, despite his generally liberal views, does hold some ignorant beliefs about the LBGT community. While he doesn't believe sexual orientation is a conscious choice he does believe it is influenced by socialization. He also has noticed that Timmy has a curious nature and stereotypically feminine interests. This causes him to fear Timmy may be gay. While he thinks there's nothing inherintly wrong with that it would still cause him embarrassment if one of his kids turned out to be gay. This is due to his upbringing. Gina was a semi-strict Catholic while Tony's a gung-ho military man. The resultant conservatism did cause both Jim and Chris to have homophobic views while growing up. Also, all three of the boys are going to turn out straight. Jim's concerns are unfounded and based on beliefs that are both ignorant and irrational. Anyway, on with the story.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, the next day...**

Sandi and Lisa are unpacking Lisa's things when there's a knock on the front door.

Sandi said "I'll get it."

She opens the door. It's Kevin and Brittany. Brittany has a gift basket while Kevin is holding a one gallon jug of red wine.

"HIIIIIIIII!"

Sandi said "Kevin, Brittany. What bring's you two here?"

Kevin said "We heard, like, your girlfriend's moving in with you."

Brittany added "We wanted to welcome her to the neighborhood."

Sandi lets them in.

"Lisa, I'd like you to meet two of my neighbors. Kevin Thompson and his wife, Brittany."

Lisa and Sandi sit on the couch. Kevin and Brittany join them.

"Pleased to meet you guys."

"Thanks." said Brittany as she handed the gift basket to Lisa. "I got these for you."

Lisa looks at the gifts and sighs. It's all Lawndale High sports memorablila.

"Uh...Thanks."

Kevin hands Lisa the wine.

"Here ya go?"

Lisa said nothing.

Sandi explained "Lisa doesn't drink."

Kevin said "Aw, man!"

Feeling bad, Lisa said "It's okay. We'll take it."

Kevin said "Cool. Are you, like, one of those religious types?"

Lisa deadpanned "Well, I'm a bisexual divorcee in a same sex relationship, so I'd have to go with no."

Kevin asked "So, why don't you drink?"

Lisa looks uncomfortable, which Sandi notices.

"Kevin," said Sandi, "Not everyone likes to drink alcohol."

Kevin clearly doesn't get it.

"But, everyone drinks."

Lisa said "I guess I'll try it."

Sandi looks concerned.

"Lisa, can I speak to you in private for a moment?"

* * *

 **Another room, a minute later...**

Sandi said "I thought you quit."

Lisa said "Relax, I just said that so they wouldn't be offended. I don't plan on drinking the wine."

Sandi said "What are we going to do with it, then?"

Lisa said "You can have it, or we can offer it when we have company. Just don't expect me to partake."

Sandi is visibly relieved.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, evening...**

Sandi and Lisa are sitting on the couch relaxing.

"God," said Sandi, "What a day?"

Lisa said "I know. It was nice of the Thompson's to give us those presents, even if they were poorly thought out. At least we've finished unpacking."

Sandi said "My feet are killing me."

She kicks off her shoes and takes her socks off.

"That's better."

Lisa ignores Sandi's bare feet. Sandi grins seductively.

"Hey, lover."

"Yes?"

Sandi moves and places her feet in Lisa's lap.

"Would you mind giving me a foot massage?"

Lisa looks apprehensive. She thought _Should I tell her that feet gross me out? I love everything else about her, but her big feet are so...so...eww._ but said "Sure."

Lisa massages Sandi's feet. While her feet are disproportionately big they are clean and well maintained as Sandi treats herself to pedicures on a regular basis. Dispite this, Lisa is struggling to hide her disgust.

"Mmm, that's nice." Sandi cooed as she thought _Should I tell her it turns me on to have my feet stimulated?_

"Lisa."

Lisa said "Yes, Sandi."

"I get wet when someone works my feet. After this you wanna have sex?"

Lisa thought _I'm not a foot fetishist. Feet disgust me. Still, I love her. If it turns her on maybe I can deal._ "Sure, lover."

Sandi said "Suck my toes. I love that."

Lisa struggles to hide her disgust. She raises one of Sandi's feet to her face. She's about to put a toe in her mouth when...

 _I...I can't do it. This is just too gross for me._ "I need to use the bathroom real quick."

This strikes Sandi as reasonable.

"Don't take too long, sexy."

Lisa goes down the hall. Instead of the bathroom, she enters the dinning room. The dinning room has a display cabinet. In the cabinet is the wine Kevin and Brittany brought by earlier. She reaches into a drawer and pulls out a wine glass.

 _Just one. Just one to help me get through the gross foreplay and that's it._

Lisa pours herself a glass and downs it quickly.

Sandi: (VO, from living room) "Lisa, my little piggies need your hot tongue."

Lisa shudders with disgust. She's about to pour herself a second glass but decides against it. Instead, she starts chugging wine straight from the jug.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer house, the next day...**

Quinn and Stacy are at the kitchen table talking.

Quinn asked "Why'd you want me to come over, Stacy? On the phone it sounded urgent."

Stacy said "I'm worried about Sandi. She and Lisa have only known each other for two months. Don't you think they're moving kind of fast?"

Quinn nodded in agreement.

"Yes, but they seem really into each other. Maybe we should give them a chance."

Stacy said "That's why I'm only telling you this. Lisa admitted that she's a recovering alcoholic."

"So?" said Quinn, "Lindy's a recovering alcoholic and she's doing fine."

Stacy said "Sandi likes to move fast in relationships. It makes sense given her abandonement issues. Still, I was concerned so I did a background check on Lisa. She has a police record. Nothing series, just some DUI's, but it still raised a few red flags with me so I dug further. Her ex-husband used to work at Grace, Sloan and Paige's main office in Philadelphia."

Quinn said "So does half of Lawndale. "

Stacy continued "I did some more digging. During the divorce he requested a transfer to an oversees branch and got it. He now works at their Frankfurt office. I was able to get in contact with him."

"And?" asked Quinn.

Stacy answered "I asked him about Lisa. He's scared of her. He told me that she gets really out of control when she's drunk. That's why he divorced her. It's also why he's been living in Germany on a work visa since then and refuses to return to the US anytime soon. He's scared of her."

Quinn now looks worried. She wonders if Sandi realizes any of this about Lisa.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Quinn and Jim are in the kitchen talking with Sandi and Lisa. Lisa is swaying in her chair and her eyes are bloodshot. Not only does she look drunk, but she reeks of whiskey. Sandi looks happy. This has Quinn visibly worried that she may be in denial.

"So," said Jim, "Why the surprise visit?"

In a flirty tone, Lisa said "Wouldn' yu lik ta knows, cudie... _hic_...?"

This makes Jim visibly uncomfortable.

Sandi said "We're having a dinner party this weekend and wanted to invite you in person."

Putting aside her misgivings, Quinn said "Of course we'll come."

Lisa said "Gud, 'e're inviding tha whole neigh... _hic_...hood."

Quinn politely asked "What's the occasion?"

Sandi can't contain her excitement. She gets a diamond ring out of her purse.

"We're engaged!"

Both Quinn and Jim's jaws drop at the announcement. Lisa, on the other hand, becomes very angry.

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SURPRISE, YOU DUMB BITCH!"

With that, Lisa punches Sandi in the arm so hard that Sandi falls out of her chair. This shocks both Quinn and Jim to no end.

"SANDI!" exclaimed Quinn as she ran to help her friend up.

Jim said "LISA, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Lisa said "SCREW THIS, I NEED ANOTHER DRINK!"

Without bothering to ask, Lisa gets up and makes her way to the refridgerator. She takes out a six pack of beer and starts chugging. Jim is NOT happy.

"I was saving that for when I hang out with the guys."

Lisa's response is to stop chugging and look at Jim. She opens her mouth, but all that comes out is...

"BURRRRRRRP"

Quinn said "Sandi, can you come out back with me for a sec? I need to talk to you in private."

* * *

 **The back yard, a short time later...**

Quinn is telling Sandi what she's found out.

"Sandi, Stacy was worried you were rushing this so she did a background check on Lisa."

Sandi becomes angry.

"WHAT!?"

Quinn said "Sandi, calm down. She did it because she's your friend and she worries about you. So do I. Did you know that Lisa gets crazy when she's had a few?"

Calming down, Sandi said "Quinn, she's only like that when she drinks."

Quinn said "And she's drinking now. You don't deserve this."

Sandi said "It's only temporary, just until the dinner party. She's nervous."

Quinn said "Sandi, I'm not trying to run your life for you. It's just that you've been burned so many times in the past. First the girlfriend who cheated on you, then the boyfriend who was secretly gay and using you as a beard, then the girlfriend who was just using you because she had a crush on me and finally the marriage from hell. I just don't want you to get hurt again."

"I won't." said an obviously in denial Sandi.

"Sandi," said Quinn, "Lisa's ex husband has been living in Germany since the divorce and swears he won't come back to America as long as she's alive. Isn't that a huge red flag?"

"Look," said Sandi, "Lisa told me all about that. Her ex husband is a judgmental jerk who likes to talk smack about her, that's all."

Quinn said "Sandi, he's scared of her. That's why he left."

Sandi said "But, Lisa loves me."

Not buying it, Quinn asked "Then why did she hit you and call you a stupid bitch?"

Sandi said "Oh, That...um...well...you see...That's just a new loves game. What, you and Jim never tried S&M?"

Blushing, Quinn said "Not like that, we haven't. Also, when Jim and I get rough it's when were alone and we take precautions to make sure no one really gets hurt. And don't try to make this about my sex life. I don't want to see you in another abusive relationship."

Sandi protested "I'm NOT in an abusive relationship. What you saw was just a misunderstanding. Frankly, the plan was to surprise everyone at the dinner party this weekend and I spilled the beans about our engagement. Of course Lisa got mad."

Quinn let's out a defeated sigh.

* * *

 **Thompson house, the following evening...**

Kevin, Jim, Chuck and Mack are on the front porch drinking beer and watching the sunset. Kevin also has a lit cigarette in his mouth.

Kevin said "Thank's for coming over, guys."

Jim said "No problem, Kevin."

Before the small talk can continue they hear noises coming from Sandi's house across the street.

Lisa: (VO, from house) "YOU BURNED THE MEATLOAF, YOU DUMB SKANK!"

Sandi: (VO, from house, sounding scared) "LISA, I'M SORRY!"

Lisa: "IS SORRY GONNA FIX THE RUINED DINNER, YOU F#$ STUPID WHORE!?"

The guys next hear the sound of a tray hitting a wall.

Sandi: (VO) "LISA, PLEASE! YOU'RE DRUNK!"

Lisa: (VO) "MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A DUMB BIMBO I WOULDN'T NEED TO DRINK, YOU STUPID ASS C$%&!"

This is followed by the sound of plates smashing and furniture being turned over. A visibly terrified Sandi runs out of the house and toward Kevin's porch.

"Guys," she said, "Lisa's in a bad mood because I burned dinner. Mind if I hang out with you until she calms down?"

Lisa: (VO, from Sandi's house) "EVERY GODDAMN TIME I FALL IN LOVE IT'S WITH A STUPIDASS WHO CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!"

This is followed by the sound of more dishes being shattered and furniture being turned over.

"Sure," said Jim.

Sandi sits down with them. Mack gives her a beer. She opens it and drinks. At this point they notice that Sandi has a black eye and that side of her face is swollen.

"What happened to your eye?" asked Jim.

Nervous, Sandi said "Oh...um...Funny story. I was going into the basement to get some decorations for the dinner party and...um...I fell down the stairs."

Kevin said "I didn't know your house had a basement?"

Mack said "It doesn't."

Sandi backpedaled.

"Did I say basement? I meant...well...GARAGE! Yes, that's it. I slipped and fell in the garage."

The guys clearly don't believe her. Especially after...

Lisa: (VO, from Sandi's house) "WHERE'S THAT WORTHLESS BITCH NOW!?"

Sandi makes one sound upon hearing that.

"EEP!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later...**

Jim and Quinn are getting ready for bed when the doorbell rings.

Jim said "I'll get it."

He goes downstairs to the front door. It's Kevin.

"Jim," he said, "Brittany's doing an all night workout with Daryl."

Jim said "And?"

Kevin said "And Lisa showed up totally wanting me so we hooked up."

Jim thought _Well, I can't be too judgmental given how often Brittany steps out with Daryl_ as he said "What's this have to do with me?"

Kevin said "When we were done she got mad at me. She said I finished early. I didn't. I always last 45 seconds."

Jim said "That doesn't explain why you're here now."

Kevin said "She's drinking all my beer. She got so angry I freaked out. Can I stay with you guys until she leaves?"

Jim sighs. It's going to be a long night.

* * *

 **Pizza King, day...**

Quinn, Stacy, Lindy and Tiffany are discussing the situation with Lisa. Lindy has Jason in a stroller taking a nap.

"So," said Quinn, "We know that Sandi's in a relationship with a woman who becomes violent when she's drunk. The question is, what do we do about it?"

Tiffany said "Whyy doessn't she juust noot drinnk?"

Lindy said "She's an alcoholic. Once she starts it's almost impossible for her to stop."

"Whaat's ann alllcohollicc?"

Lindy sighs as she knows any explanation will fly right over Tiffany's head.

"You know," she suggested, "We could stage an intervention, that's how you got me to stop."

Quinn shakes her head.

"For that to work Sandi would have to go along. Problem is that Sandi's in total denial of the situation. We'd never convince her to help us and her help is essential for an intervention to be effective."

Stacy said "We're all invited to that dinner party tomorrow. Maybe we can keep an eye on things. We just show up early and make sure she doesn't drink. If Lisa knows she's being watched maybe she'll lay off the booze and behave herself."

Quinn said "Stacy, that's a great idea!"

Tiffany wasn't listening until just now.

"Whaat's a greeaatt ideaaa?"

The other women frown.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, the following afternoon...**

Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany and Lindy are approaching the front door. Tiffany notices that Lindy doesn't have her baby with her.

"Wheeree's Jaassonn?"

Lindy said "Chris is watching him. They'll come by later."

Tiffany looks puzzled.

"Youu caan doo thaat!?"

Quinn said "Jim and I do it all the time."

Tiffany stares blankly. Quinn decides to change the subject.

"Okay," she said, "If anyone asks why we're early say that we wanted to help with the setup. Don't mention Lisa's drinking or temper."

With that, Quinn rings the doorbell. Sandi answers. She has another black eye. The others try not to stare.

Sandi said "What are you doing here? The party isn't until this evening."

Quinn said "We felt like helping."

Tiffany asked "Whaat's with your eyeee?"

Sandi nervously said "Makeup!"

Tiffany believes her.

"Oookkaaaayyy."

Sandi let's them in. To everyone's dismay, they find Lisa on the living room sofa nursing a bottle of scotch.

"Whud're yu doin' 'ere?"

Trying not to let her concern show, Quinn said "We decided since Sandi's one of our oldest friends we'd help you guys set up for the party."

In a hostile tone, Lisa slurred "Gread idear." She held up the bottle, it's empty. "Ged me 'nodder dring...urp.."

Everyone frowns. So much for making sure Lisa behaves herself.

* * *

 **Sandi's house, evening...**

The guests have all arrived. Sandi is in the dinning room setting up while everyone else mingles. In addition to Tiffany the guests are Daria, The Carbones (Chris, Lindy, Jason, Jim, Quinn, Timmy, Tommy and Teddy), the Thompsons (Kevin, Brittany, Ultra, the twin girls, their other daughter and Kevin Jr.), Daryl, the Ruttheimers (Chuck, Stacy, Chuckie and Q), the Wangs (Chan, Ming and Michelle) and Ultra's girlfriend, Lauren. Lisa is visibly drunk.

While Quinn and Stacy were able to get Lisa to lay off while they help set up once the party started she resumed drinking and was now nursing a 2 litre bottle of Schlitz.

"WOO-HOO, PARRRTTTYYYYYYYY!" She takes a swig. " _BURRRRP_!"

The kids look at her. Chuckie spoke in his usual snarky monotone.

"Miss Griffin's girlfriend is drunk."

Sandi emerges from the dinning room.

"Dinner's ready."

Lisa turned to face her.

"'BOUT GODDAMN TIME! DID YOU BURN THIS TOO, SMELLY BIG FOOT!?"

Lisa throws the now empty bottle at Sandi. Sandi ducks just in time and the bottle shatters behind her as it hit's the wall. Lisa turns back to the guests.

"I NEDD ANOTHER DRINK... _BURRRRPPPPP_..."

No one is amused.

Ming said "Lisa crazy drunk."

Chan said "She even more white trash than white trash neighbors."

* * *

 **The dinning room, a short time later...**

Everyone is trying to enjoy the meal. The problem is that Lisa continues to drink and make a fool of herself. She finishes her glass of wine.

"GIMMIE MORE WINE... _HIC_..."

Lindy said "I think you've had enough."

Lisa throws the glass at Lindy.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

Sandi tries to defuse the escalating situation.

"Um...Lisa.."

Lisa threw her plate at Sandi.

"SHUT UP, SMELLY BIGFOOT!"

Sandi sighs as she's now covered in half eaten food. Daryl decides to step in.

"Lisa," he said as he stood over her in an effort to be intimidating, "You really need to calm down."

Lisa stands up and faces Daryl.

"'UR HOD! _URP_!"

She immediately grabs Daryl and kisses him sloppily. The other guest gasp in shock. Brittany glares menacingly at Lisa for pouncing on her lover but says nothing because her husband's right there. The kiss breaks and Lisa looks nauseous.

"ulp...gulp...hic...urp...BLLLLLEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She pukes all over Daryl.

* * *

 **Later...**

The party has moved back to the living room. Ultra and Lauren are on the couch watching a movie when a still wasted Lisa comes up to them and bats her eyes at Ultra.

"Hey, stud. I herd 'ur _...hic_...th' quarderbag _..hic_.."

Nervous, Ultra said "Um, yeah."

Lisa said "I like jockz... _urp_...'ere soz...hic... _sexzy_...urp..."

Lauren said "Excuse me! We're trying to watch a movie."

Lisa actually shoves Lauren off the couch and climbs on Ultra's lap.

"Ur hod... _hic_..."

Nervous, Ultra said "Um...like...my babe's right here!"

Lisa said "She wan's ta joinz in? I could ged in... _hic_...inta thad.. _hic_..."

Lisa tuns around and sits on Ultra's lap. She starts to shamelessly grind him.

"Ya like thad..." she licks his face, "...st... _hic_...stud.."

Ultra's too freaked out to be turned on by this.

"help...me..."

Lauren decides she's had enough.

"GET OFF OF MY BOYFRIEND, YOU DRUNK-ASS SKANK!"

Lisa gets off of Ultra's lap and right in Lauren's face.

"YOU F#$&ING BITCH!"

She smacks Lauren so hard that Lauren falls to the floor. Next, she takes an empty beer bottle and smashes it on the coffee table. Lisa then waves the bottle menacingly at Lauren.

"YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, YOU HIGH SCHOOL SLUT!"

Jim runs up and snatches the bottle out of Lisa's hand.

"JESUS, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Lisa suddenly punches Jim in the groin. The punch is so hard that Jim immediately curls up into a ball.

"'HOWZABOUD I CAZ... _hic_...CAZTRED YOUS, ASSHOLE..."

She picks up the bottle and is about to go at Jim with it when someone grabs her arm and twists it behind her. That someone is Quinn.

"Don't...you...dare!"

Lisa wiggles out of Quinn's grip and claws her face. Quinn has a cut on her cheek. She wipes the blood off.

"You...BITCH!"

Quinn lunges at Lisa and a catfight ensues. Quinn wrestles Lisa to the ground and starts punching her without mercy until Sandi pulls her off.

"QUINN, DON'T HURT HER!"

This calms Quinn down. A bruised and bloodied Lisa stands up.

"F$%& THIS!"

Lisa grabs a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels and runs into the garage. The others follow her. Lisa gets in Sandi's Mustang and starts the car. She backs out of the garage, crashing through the closed garage door as she does. She swerves off the driveway and backs across the front lawn into the street. As she switches from reverse to drive she takes a swig of Jack.

"I'M OUTTA HERZ... _BURRRRRRPPPP_!"

As the others watch Lisa floors the car up the street, knocking over several mailboxes as she does. When Lisa reaches the main road she turns and speeds out of sight. Quinn, Sandi and everyone else look down the street with dismay.

"Sandi," said Stacy, "I'm so sorry!"

Sandi sighed.

"You and Quinn tried to warn me. I should've listened."

Stacy said "I'm still sorry."

Sandi said "Well, I guess this means Lisa and I are broken up now. Maybe it's for the best."

Quinn said "Sandi, she's drunk and she stole your car. You've gotta call the police."

"No," said Sandi, "I think it's better to just let her go."

Quinn asked "Are you sure?"

Sandi said "If you love someone you should set them free, because if they love you they'll come back. So, I'm setting Lisa free. If she doesn't come back, we were never meant to be. If she does come back...well...then, I'm calling the police."

 **End.**

 **Authors Note**

This is Lisa's final appearence. Her ultimate fate I leave up to you, the reader.

 **Next Time**

The public library burns down and all evidence suggests it was politically motivated arson. Guest starring Kristen Bealer.


	22. Timmy The Arsonist

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 22**

 **"Timmy The Arsonist"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Guest Starring Kristen Bealer**

 **Alfred Joyce Kilmer Library, day...**

Seven year old Teddy Carbone is walking to the check out desk with several books. At the counter is a woman in her mid thirties with shoulder length hair that, depending on where you draw the line, is either light brown or dark blond with thick glasses. Teddy approaches the counter.

"Excuse me."

The librarian looks at Teddy.

"Can I help you?"

Teddy places the books on the counter.

"I'm ready to check out."

The librarian looks at the books. Then she looks at Teddy. She looks at the books again before eyeing Teddy with a puzzled expression.

"Aren't you a little young for this stuff?" She points to the children's section. "The children's section is over there."

Dismissive, Teddy said "Children's books don't interest me. That's why I have an adult library card."

The librarian is visibly surprised.

"They let you have an adult library card!?"

Teddy hands her his card. The librarian reads the name aloud.

"Theodore Carbone." Her face lights up in recognition. "You're that boy genius they've been talking about."

Teddy deadpanned "You're not from around here, are you?"

The librarian said "Nope. Just moved here from Wisconsin. A town even deader than this place if you can believe it." She reaches down toward Teddy. "My name's Kristen, by the way."

Teddy shakes her hand.

"Teddy, but I guess you already knew that."

Kristen said "So, you're advanced for your age, huh?"

"Actually," said Teddy, "It's just that most people my age are morons. Come to think of it, a lot of the adults I know are morons too."

Kristen stifles a laugh.

"I hear that. Yesterday there was a guy my age in here who wouldn't stop bragging about how he used to be the quarterback. Even the children's books were too confusing for him."

Teddy asked "Was his name Kevin Thompson?"

"How'd you know?"

They both smirk.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Quinn is in the kitchen with Daria and Sandi. Miraculously, Daria is back at her original hair length. All three are looking at a tripod mounted camera on the counter.

Quinn said "...and that's how you make chocolate truffles. Don't forget to like and subscribe. I'm Quinn."

"I'm Sandi."

In her characteristic disinterested monotone, Daria added "I'm Daria Morgendorffer."

Quinn continued "And this is "S'mores and Pores", cooking good whiles looking good. Byeeeee!"

Quinn shuts off the camera while Daria removes her wig. Her real hair is a buzz cut as it's still growing back. Quinn turns to them.

"Thanks for guest starring in my video, guys."

Daria said "Don't mention it...ever."

Sandi added "Anything to take my mind off that dinner party."

They all sit down at the table.

"So, Quinn" asked Sandi, "How are things?"

Quinn said "There's a new librarian at the public library Teddy goes to. Her name's Kristen. She and Teddy seem to be on a similar wavelength."

Sandi looks hopeful.

"Is she single?"

Quinn shakes her head.

"Married with kids. Even if she weren't I don't think she's into girls."

Sandi asked "Is her husband hot?"

Quinn's eyes go wide.

"Sandi!"

Daria observed "So, I guess she's back to being lonely and desperate."

Quinn gives her sister a stern look before resuming her explanation of the new librarian.

"Kristen's new in town and hasn't had a chance to meet many people yet. That's why she's having a get together at her place tomorrow night. She invited us. Sandi, you wanna come?"

"No."

Quinn said "Come on, Sandi. How are you gonna get over what happened if you don't put yourself back out there?"

Sandi sees Quinn's point.

"Okay, I guess. Should I bring anything?"

Quinn said "If you want. I'm baking a huge chocolate cake for everyone. Apparently, Kristen's really into chocolate."

Sandi looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **A two story house in Lawndale, evening...**

Kristen's party is in full swing. The guests include the Thompsons, the Wangs, the Ruttheimers, Mack and Sandi among others. A refreshment table has been set up in the adjacent dinning room. The doorbell rings. Kristen answers. It's Quinn, Jim, Sandi, Daria, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Quinn has a huge chocolate cake while Sandi has a big tray of fudge brownies. Sandi is also wearing a red slip dress with a drooping neck that shows lots of cleavage and a skirt so high as to show plenty of leg while her face is all made up and her hair looks like she just stepped out of a salon. Basically, Sandi looks like she's on a hot date instead of attending a suburban house party. Kristen smiles.

"Thanks for coming."

Quinn said "No problem. We heard you like chocolate so I made a chocolate cake."

Sandi added "And I made fudge brownies."

Kristen points to the dinning room as she looks at the cake and brownies like a hungry dog at fresh meat.

"Just put them in there and hope the others get them before I do."

Sandi and Quinn do just that before walking back to Kristen. Sandi speaks in a flirty tone.

"So, are you and your husband happy? If not, I can..." she winks "...help."

Kristen looks uncomfortable while Quinn looks embarrassed.

* * *

 **A short time later...**

The party is in full swing as everyone mingles. The kids are all playing together. Q Ruttheimer and Kristen's own daughter are staring in wide eyed admiration at Tommy (hey, he's a male version of Quinn) while Kevin Jr. is trying to teach Kristen's son how to make juice come out of his nose. Teddy and Michelle watch this with visible disdain. Timmy is nowhere to be seen. Cut to the adults. Quinn and Jim are conversing with Kristen.

"Thanks again for coming, you guys. Quinn, thanks especially for the chocolate cake."

Sandi saunters over to Kristen.

"Have you tried my brownies?"

She winks suggestively at Kristen, causing the librarian to become noticeably uncomfortable. Jim steps in.

"Sandi, I think that guy wants to talk to you." He points at a random guy.

Sandi rushes over to the guy while Jim turns his attention to Kristen.

"Sorry about that." he said, "Sandi's bi, divorced and VERY desperate."

Kristen nods in understanding. Quinn decides to change the subject.

"Teddy seems to really like you."

Kristen said "He actually reminds me a little of myself at that age. I was known as something of a brain. So, what do you guys do?"

Jim said "We're YouTubers. Quinn has a desert and fashion channel and I have a car channel. We used to have a couples vlog but since the kids were born we've put it on hiatus."

"Sounds fun." said Kristen.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the dinning room...**

Timmy is alone. He looks at the cake and brownies and salivates.

 _My stomach felt a little weird this morning, but I'm fine now...and hungry._

Back in the living room Kristen is still talking with Jim and Quinn.

"You know" she said, "I almost postponed this party."

Quinn asked "How come?"

Kristen explained "There's been a stomach bug going around and I was sick for a few days. I'm fine now, though. So, you have triplets?"

Jim smiles proudly.

"Teddy's the smart one, he takes after his aunt. Tommy's the outgoing one, he takes after his mother. Timmy's a chocolate afficionado himself. You and him would probably get along."

All three laugh.

Kristen said "Speaking of chocolates, I think I'll help myself to some of that chocolate cake."

They enter the dinning room and discover that the cake and the brownies are all gone. Kristen looks incredibly disappointed.

"How?" said Quinn, "And the tray's gone too."

At this point, Sandi enters. She notices that both the cake and her brownies are missing.

"What happened!? Who took my brownies?"

The Wangs enter.

"No fair!" Chan whined, "We no get chance to eat cake and brownies."

Kristen asked "Did anyone?"

No one's had the chocolate cake or fudge brownies. No one notices that a nearby closet door is slightly ajar. Timmy in hiding in the closet and pigging out on chocolate cake and fudge brownies. Timmy's stomach starts to gurgle.

 _That's weird._

He doesn't know about the stomach virus that's going around.

* * *

 **Kilmer Library, the next day...**

Sandi is in a seat reading a book. Actually, she's just pretending to read and hoping to catch a glimpse of Kristen. Since Lisa left her desperation has reached new heights.

 _I know this is technically stalking but I'm soooo lonely._

Meanwhile, Quinn and Jim approach the check out desk with their kids. Kristen sees them and comes up.

"Glad to see all of you here."

Quinn said "Since Teddy spends so much time here we decided it was high time we got Tommy and Timmy to read something other than comic books."

Jim added "I also wanna check out a book on 1982 to 1984 GM small blocks. I'm restoring an '82 Z/28 and having a hell of a time with the transmission."

Kristen points to a shelf in the far corner.

"Automotive books and magazines. You should be able to find it there."

Jim said "Thanks."

Timmy's stomach starts to rumble as he feels an overwhelming urge to take a dump. He also looks nauseous.

"I...I need to use the restroom!"

Kristen points beyond some bookshelves.

"Restrooms are over there."

Timmy makes his way to the mens room at an urgent pace. Jim turns to Kristen.

"He's been queasy all morning. He barely touched his breakfast."

Kristen suggested "Maybe he caught that stomach bug that's going around."

Just then, Tony Carbone enters the library. He heads over to the checkout desk. Quinn is not happy to see him. She turns to her husband and speaks in a harsh whisper.

"Jim, what's HE doing here!?"

Jim shrugged.

"Beats me."

Tony looks right at Kristen.

"So" he snarled, "You're the new librarian Mr. Thompson told me about!"

Jim shakes his head.

"You've been talking to Kevin!?"

Tony angrily gets in his son's face.

"Because he knows how to respect a war hero, unlike you, ya goddamn pansy!"

Keeping calm, Kristen said "Sir, this is a library. Could you please keep it down."

Tony gets right in Kristen's face.

"DON'T BACKTALK ME, WOMAN! I heard you're married with kids."

Kristen tries to calm him down without being drawn into a debate.

"Could you please behave yourself."

Under his breath Jim muttered "Dammit, Kevin."

Tony continues his tirade.

"If you're married then why are you working here when you should be at home taking care of the kids and cleaning house? Making money's the mans job. Your job is raising kids and keeping house."

Jim tries to ease the tension.

"Dad, I thought you considered librarian a woman's job."

Tony barked "An old maid, not a married woman with kids. This commie bullshit about being a working mother is probably messing up her kids beyond belief. Her husband's probably even more of a pansy than you!"

Kristen takes offense and is visibly fighting the urge to rip Tony a new one.

"Sir, if you don't calm down then I'll have to ask you to leave."

Tony barked "NOT UNTIL I HAVE MY SAY, WOMAN. Men just don't seem to have the balls to control their women anymore, you four eyed bitch. An athlete, provider, protector and warrior is what makes a man, not some candy ass who lets his woman work when she should be taking care of the house. I'm a man. I was on the NYPD for 25 years and in the Army for 23 years. I killed a hundred commies in 'Nam and I'm a card carrying NRA member."

Kristen tries to be patient.

"With all due respect, sir, this is a library. Your behavior is out of line."

Tony responds by firing a barrage of insults at Kristen.

"AND YOU'RE A FREEDOM HATING COMMUNIST BITCH WHO NEEDS TO LEARN HER F$%&ING PLACE, YOU PINKO INTELLECTUAL. YOU PROBABLY PUT A BUNCH OF ANTI-AMERICAN PROPAGANDA IN YOUR KIDS HEADS, YOU..."

Sandi, who had overheard the whole thing, immediately gets in Tony's face.

"HEY, YOU LEAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT WOMAN ALONE! SHE'S A SAINT!"

Jim rolls his eyes while Quinn buries her face in her hands out of embarrassment. Kristen takes control of the situation.

"Both of you knock it off right now!" She turns to Tony. "This is your last warning. Leave or I will call the police."

Tony shrugs.

"F$%& it, I've made my point. I'm gone, soon as I've made a stop at the one place where men are still allowed to be men."

Tony heads toward the restroom.

* * *

 **Men's restroom, a short time later...**

Timmy is pearched on the toilet having explosive diarrhea.

"I didn't know I could get sick from eating chocolate cake and brownies."

He hears the door swing open. He peeks outside and sees his grandfather enter. Tony doesn't know that the guy in the closed stall is Timmy, but he smells the bad diarrhea and flatulence that Timmy produced. Tony immediately waves his hand in front of his face.

"Goddamn, that's one god awful stench!"

Tony takes a book of matches out of his pocket. He looks at the closed stall that Timmy's in.

"Damn, pal" said Tony, "What the hell did you eat!?"

Tony lights a match and waves it under his nose. It doesn't work as well as he hoped.

"Damn, stinky ass, I can still smell it! You okay in there?"

Timmy doesn't dare answer for fear that his grandfather will recognize his voice. Tony decides not to press the issue.

"Never mind! I'll take my business elsewhere."

He tosses the spent match in a urinal and flushes it. Tossing the matchbook in the trash Tony quickly walks out of there. A few minutes later Timmy emerges from the stall. He walks over to the waste basket and retrieves the match book.

 _I wonder if that trick I saw Grandpa Tony do works?_

Timmy lights a match under his nose and waves it.

 _I can still smell it, but it's not as bad._

Timmy tosses the spent match in the trash and walks out, taking the matchbook with him. After he leaves, the trash can starts to catch on fire.

* * *

 **Between some bookshelves, a short time later...**

Timmy uses another match in an effort to kill more of the smell before rejoining his family. He tosses one spent match aside as he lights another. He doesn't see the books the match landed on start to catch fire. A stray spark from the second match hits Timmy's hand.

"OW!"

He tosses the match in a random direction. It lands on another shelf and causes those books to catch fire. He makes his way back to his family, dropping the matchbook on the floor and is unaware that he's accidentally started three fires in as many minutes. At the check out desk the others are still conversing with Kristen when Timmy rejoins them.

Quinn asked "You okay, Timmy?"

"I'm good now, Mom."

Kristen sniffs the air.

"What's that smell?"

Timmy becomes visibly nervous. Quinn sniffs the air.

"I smell it too."

Timmy is now sweating. Jim sniffs the air.

"I know that smell!"

He looks over and sees smoke coming from the mens room and the bookshelves are on fire. Jim gasps.

"FIRE!"

* * *

 **The parking lot, a short time later...**

Everyone is now safely evacuated as the Kilmer Library is now a raging inferno. Everyone gasps in shock as they watch it burn to the ground. Timmy is horrified as he knows it's his fault.

 _I didn't mean...oh no...I...I'm sorry._

He starts to cry.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Daria and the three T's are in the living room watching the evening news. On the TV is Stacy. She's standing in front of the burned down ruins of the Kilmer Library.

"This is all that remains of the Alfred Joyce Kilmer Public library. Details remain sketchy at this point, but police have not ruled out any possibilities. Preliminary evidence suggests that this may not have been an accident. Stacy Ruttheimer, WSBC evening news."

Everyone is visibly shocked except for Timmy. He looks absolutely terrified.

 _It's my fault._ he thought, _I was playing with matches and burned down the library._

Tommy said "The library burned down. That was cool!"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

"Only to an immature simpleton like you."

The remark flys right over Tommy's head.

"I know what that means!"

Teddy said "Okay, then tells us what it means."

Tommy looks dumbfounded.

"Um...well...I guess...Okay, but I know it's an insult!"

Cut to a VERY frightened Timmy.

* * *

 **Fantasy sequence...**

Timmy is in striped pajamas in a prison yard. Several big, scary convicts corner him.

 **Convict 1:** All right! Fresh meat!

 **Timmy:** (terrified) P...Please. I...

 **Convict 2:** Shut up, fatty.

 **Convict 3:** He looks like a little piggy, doesn't he?

The convicts crowd around him. A fourth one unzips his pants.

 **Convict 4:** (stereotypical redneck accent) SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY!

 **End fantasy.**

* * *

Timmy is so rattled that he runs off crying. Everyone else is puzzled.

Jim asked "What's wrong with him?"

Quinn said "Jim, you know how sensitive Timmy is. Just give him time to process."

Teddy added "I know I feel like crying. Where am I gonna go to escape the idiocy in this town now?"

Daria smirks upon hearing this.

"Can I adopt you?"

Quinn and Jim are not amused.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Kristen is visiting. She sits with Jim and Quinn at the kitchen table, enjoying some homemade fudge that Quinn made.

"This is great, Quinn! Thanks."

Quinn said "No problem. Since the cake I made for your party was eaten I owe you this much. Also, in light of recent events, I thought you could use some cheering up."

Jim asked "How are you holding up, by the way?"

"Well" said Kristen, "The place where I work was burned to the ground but this fudge makes up for it. I guess I'm even keel at the moment. How are you guys taking it?"

Quinn said "Timmy's been an emotional wreck since the fire. I wish I knew why."

Jim added "I would've expected Teddy to be the one upset by this."

Kristen nodded.

"I can see that. He loves to read."

At this point, Timmy comes in. He looks like he's trying not to cry. He walks up to Kristen.

"I... _sniff_...I'm...sob...I'M SORRY THE LIBRARY BURNED DOWN! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He immediately hugs Kristen as he crys uncontrollably.

Quinn said "See what I mean."

Kristen tries to soothe the distressed boy.

"It's okay, Timmy. No one was hurt. Not for lack of trying, though."

Jim raises an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

Kristen said "The police had a break in the case. It was arson and it's being investigated as possible attempted murder as well."

Timmy gasps and backs away from Kristen in dread fear.

"I'd never try to kill anyone, I swear!"

The three adults are puzzled. Kristen draws her own conclusion.

"I'll be fine, Timmy. The cops will catch the guy who did it before too long."

Timmy gasps with dread. Both Jim and Quinn can tell that Kristen has an idea who did it but for some reason won't say.

Quinn asked "Do they know who did it?"

Kristen said "They have a suspect, but I'd rather not say who. They'll find him, though. They found a matchbook where one of the fires started. It's from a strip club in Queens, New York."

Quinn's eyes immediately narrow while Jim turns white as a sheet. Timmy looks both relieved and terrified.

 _Gr...Grandpa!_

* * *

The Master bedroom, that evening...

Quinn and Jim are in bed. Jim is reading a book in an obvious attempt to avoid an awkward conversation. Quinn, on the other hand, is determined to have her say.

"So, they found a matchbook."

Evasive, Jim said "Yeah."

Quinn said "A matchbook form a strip club."

"Uh-huh."

"A strip club in Queens."

Jim says nothing but visibly doesn't like where this is going.

Quinn said "You know who lives in Queens, don't you?"

Jim looks up from his book and sighs.

"Quinn, my father didn't burn down the library."

Quinn said "The evidence all suggests otherwise. I'm sorry, I know he's your father, but he obviously did this in an attempt to kill Kristen. Your father's such a psycho that I definitely wouldn't put it past him to commit arson and attempted murder."

"Quinn" Jim protested, "We don't know that."

"Jim" Quinn continued, "I get that Tony's your father but look at the facts. He harasses Kristen and when she threatens to call the police goes to the mens room. One of the fires started in there. The place where the other two fires started had a matchbook from a strip club that your father frequents. Frankly, your father would do something like that just to stick it to someone."

Jim looks thoughtful, then sighs.

"Who am I kidding? It was Dad. All the pieces fit. I just never thought he'd take it this far."

* * *

 **Morgendorffer house, the following evening..**

Tony is in the living room having a talk with Helen. She clearly would rather be somwhere else.

"...so I figured I'd ask your advice, since you're a lawyer, even though you're retired and I think you're an uppity bitch."

Helen visibly wants to tell Tony to rot in hell. She takes a deep breath to calm herself down before speaking.

"Know that I'm only doing this out of respect for my daughter and son in law."

Tony nods in agreement.

"So" Helen went on, "You're wanted for arson and attempted murder. Give me your version of events."

Tony said "Well, I was telling off the librarian when she threatened to call the cops on me for harassment. I took the hint but had to use the bathroom before I left. When I went in there was someone already in one of the stalls. This guys shit stank like nothing ever stank before. I lit one match to dilute the smell, but the stench was so powerful that one match wouldn't cut it. I put out and flushed the lit match, threw the matchbook in the trash and beat a hasty retreat. Whoever made that stinks must've taken the rest of my matches and used them to start the fire. It wasn't me, it was Mister Stinky Ass."

Helen clearly doesn't believe him.

"No jury's gonna buy that one. With all the evidence against you there's no way you won't be convicted."

Tony protested "But what I told you's the truth."

Indignant, Helen said "I'm actually insulted that you expect me to believe such an outlandish tale. Unless you have a more believable explanation you're looking at 20 years."

"But, what I told you IS the truth."

Helen shakes her head.

"Even if what you say is true there's no way a jury's going to buy it. Tony, your only choice is to turn yourself in, plead guilty and take what's coming."

"That's it!?" said a very disappointed Tony, "I'm going to prison for a crime I didn't commit and there's nothing I can do about it!?"

Helen said "Yes. In fact, just talking to you puts me at risk for aiding and abetting."

Tony stands up.

"FINE!"

He goes to the door. As he steps out he turns to Helen.

"THANKS FOR NOTHING, YOU HIPPIE BITCH!"

He leaves, slamming the door behind him. Helen immediately gets out her cell phone.

"Hello, Lawndale Police Department..."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, later that same evening...**

Tony is banging on the front door and frantically ringing the bell. Jim answers.

"Dad, what are you doing here!? You're wanted for arson and attempted murder."

Tony said "That's why you have to hide me!"

Jim shakes his head.

"Dad, I'm not going down for harboring a fugitive."

Just then, two police cars come up the street. Tony sees them.

"OUTTA MY WAY!"

He practically knocks Jim over as he runs into the house. The two police cars stop and four cops emerge.

"He's in here."

Jim lets the police in. They see Tony.

"YOU SOLD ME OUT! YOU INGRATE!"

Quinn enters, accompanied by Daria and the boys.

"Actually" said Quinn, "My mother did. She called the cops and told them everything after you left."

One of the cops places Tony in handcuffs while another reads him his rights.

"Anthony Carbone, you're under arrest for arson and attempted murder. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present at both questioning and trial. If you cannot afford an attorney one will be provided for you at your request. Do you understand these rights?"

Tony, being a retired cop himself, hissed "Shove it, rookie. I was busting perps while you were sucking your mother's tits."

The cops drag a handcuffed Tony toward their cars. Timmy shouts at them.

"YOU CAN'T ARREST MY GRANDPA! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

One of the cops visibly feels bad for the kid.

"I'm sorry, son."

They continue to drag Tony toward their police car.

Tony shouted "IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS THE MAN WITH THE STINKY ASS! HE'S THE ONE YOU WANT!"

Timmy shouted back "I BELIEVE YOU, GRANDPA TONY!"

"FIND THE GUY WITH THE STINKY ASS! HE'S THE ONE WHO BURNED DOWN THE LIBRARY, NOT ME!"

The cops put Tony in the car. As they drive off Timmy starts to cry, racked with guilt.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, morning...**

Quinn, Jim, Daria and the three T's are at the kitchen table having breakfast. Timmy doesn't touch his food because he's upset. Since Timmy's the fat one everyone notices.

"Timmy" said Quinn, "What's wrong? Aren't you hungry?"

Timmy said nothing but sighed.

Jim said "You're upset about Grandpa Tony, aren't you?"

Timmy said nothing and just nodded.

Tommy said "Grandpa Tony's in jail for burning down the public library. That's pretty bad ass."

The rest of the family stare daggers at him. Teddy said "No, it isn't. Only a moron like you would think that."

Quinn's in no mood for a fight.

"BOYS!"

The two brothers stop sniping.

Daria said "I wonder if this is what our childhood would've been like if Grandpa Mad Dog were still alive."

Quinn shudders at the possibility.

Timmy asked "What if Grandpa Tony didn't do it?"

Quinn visibly feels bad for her son.

"I know how hard this is for you, Timmy, but I'm afraid he did do it."

Daria nodded.

"I'm afraid we have no choice but to accept that your grandfather is an arsonist."

Timmy tries to say something that explains his guilt without admitting he was the one who started the fire.

"We can't just let him rot in jail, he's family."

Jim sighed.

"Timmy, I've always stood by my father no matter what and, believe me, there's been a lot of 'what' over the years. But arson and attempted murder? I just don't have it in me to be that forgiving."

Struggling not to cry, Timmy said "But he's still your father!"

Jim said "Well, I know you can disown a child. There's gotta be something like that for a parent."

Timmy cries out of guilt.

* * *

 **Police station, day...**

In the interrogation room a handcuffed Tony sits across a table from a visiting Quinn and Jim. They're trying to get Tony to admit he burned down the library.

"Dad" said Jim, "Why don't you just fess up? Everyone knows you did it."

Tony remains defiant.

"I didn't burn down the library. This whole town's persecuting me while the real arsonist is still at large."

Quinn said "Tony, the matchbook was obviously yours."

Tony said "I left it in the restroom when I left. Mr. Stinkass used it."

Jim is visibly losing his patience.

"Dad, there is no Mr. Stinkass. You made him up because you don't wanna go to prison."

Tony barked "DON'T YOU DARE CONTRADICT ME, BOY! I spent three years fighting in the jungles of Vietnam. I smelt things you can't even imagine. I now what a festering corpse in a jungle smells like, I know what snake and rat shit smells like, I know what swamp gas smells like. None of them were as bad as the stench I encountered that day in the men's room. It was more horrendous than an open sewer."

Quinn and Jim both roll their eyes. Tony continues.

"After I left, Stinkass must've retrieved my matches from the wastebasket and used them to start the fire."

Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Like anyone's gonna believe that story. The only smell is your bullshit."

Tony snapped "SHUT UP, YOU RED HAIRED BITCH!"

Jim immediately sprang to his wife's defense.

"DON'T CALL MY WIFE A BITCH, DAD! Just accept that you've been an insufferable asshole your whole life and now you're getting your comeuppance."

* * *

 **A large church in Lawndale, the sign reads "Blessed Virgin Catholic Church"...**

Timothy O'Neil's twin brother, Father O'Neil, is seated behind his desk while a very distraught Timmy Carbone sits across from him.

The priest asked "What brings you here, Timmy?"

Timmy said "I have a question. I'm...well...What's that thing where you have to make a choice but both choices are bad?"

"A moral dilemma."

Timmy nodded and continued.

"I need some advice. If you did something wrong how do you make it right?"

Father O'Neil asked "Would you like to make Holy Confession?"

Timmy shakes his head and does his best to explain.

"Let's say you did something wrong. No one was hurt and you didn't mean to do what you did, but you still did it. Let's say someone else was blamed for what you did. What's the right thing to do?"

Father O'Neil understands.

"I see. In that case the right thing is to admit the truth. If the misdeed was an accident then people will be more willing to forgive you if you come forward."

Timmy said "So I...I mean the person who did it should come forward?"

Father O'Neil nodded.

"Yes. A good deed always erases a bad deed. If you did something wrong you should admit it."

Timmy asked "Even if it was an accident?"

Father O'Neil said "Especially if it was an accident. A sin of ignorance is much more forgivable than a sin of malice."

Timmy looks thoughtful. He knows what he has to do. The boy stands up.

"I know what to do now. Thanks, Father O'Neil."

Father O'Neil smiles.

"Glad to help, Timmy."

* * *

 **The police station, a while later...**

Tony is still trying to convince Quinn and Jim of his innocence.

"It was a smell for the ages. Death gas doesn't compare to the ass stench I encountered that day."

Quinn loses her patience.

"Dammit, Tony..."

The door swings open. In runs Timmy.

"MOM, DAD, HE'S INNOCENT!"

Teary eyed, Timmy tells them what really happened.

"I ate all the chocolate that you and Miss Griffin made for Kristen's party. I had diarrhea that day at the library. I saw Grandpa Tony use a match to get rid of the smell so I decided to try it. I didn't mean to start the fire, I just wanted the smell to go away. I BURNED DOWN THE LIBRARY!"

Quinn and Jim both gasp in shock. Tony smirks.

"Told ya it wasn't me. Timmy's the one with the stinky ass!"

Quinn reaches down her shirt and pulls out a small recording device. She immediately destroys the tape.

"Dammit! I knew this was too good to be true!"

Angry, Jim said "Timmy, you started a fire and let your grandfather take the fall! I am BEYOND disappointed in you! I want you to march out there right now and tell the cops what really happened."

Tony angrily pounds his fists on the table.

"NO ONE'S GOING ANYWHERE! Sit down, Jim,..." He turns to Quinn, "...red haired harpy..." turns to Timmy, "...you, too, Stinkass!"

They all sit down.

"Tony" Quinn hissed, "Don't call him that!"

Tony said "What!? He Doesn't like it!?" He turns to Timmy. "Does it hurt your feelings, Stinkass? You don't like being called Stinkass? You wanna cry about it, Stinkass? Well, get used to it because that's what everyone'll call you if you blab to the cops."

Quinn turns white as a sheet.

"OH, GOD! Jim, he's right, and there are other names too."

Jim said "Yeah, like arsonist. That's what they'll call him in State of New Jersey versus Timothy Carbone."

Both parents now panic.

"WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO!?" said Quinn, "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!?"

Tony immediately steps up to the plate.

"Here's what we're gonna do. All three of you keep your mouths shut while I take the fall."

Quinn, Jim and Timmy gasp.

Timmy said "Grandpa...no!"

"Dad" said Jim, "You can't!"

Tony is undeterred.

"I can and I will."

Quinn asked "But why!?"

Tony explains his reasoning.

"Because I'm an angry, bitter old man. Everyone already hates me. But Timmy? He's just a little boy. He has his whole life ahead of him and I'll be damned if he's gonna have it ruined over an honest mistake."

Quinn is especially stunned as she's never known Tony to be this selfless, or selfless at all.

"Tony, do you realize what you're saying!?"

Tony said "Look, If I can make sure my grandson has a shot at a decent life I'll do it. Now, get the cops in here. Tell them I'm ready to confess."

Quinn and Jim are both stunned by this.

* * *

 **What's left of the Kilmer Library, day...**

A press conference is being held in the parking lot. In addition to the media many of the people in town are present as well. Quinn, Jim, Daria and the boys are in the audience. By the podium are the mayor, the chief of police, the district attorney, Tony, Kristen and other officials. The DA, a man in his fifties with graying hair, is speaking at the podium.

"...so in light of the circumstances my office has agreed to drop the charges against Mr. Carbone in exchange for a public confession and apology."

The DA leaves as Tony steps up to the microphone.

"I'll tell you guys what I told the cops. Yes, I burned down the library but it was an accident. Yes, I did harass a librarian and she threatened to call the cops on me. I was pissed but it's not something I'd commit vandalism and murder over. As for my story about a man with a smelly ass, I was that man. I lit a match in a desperate attempt to get rid of the smell. I hadn't put the matches out as well as I'd thought and a fire resulted. I ran and made up the story because I was both embarrassed and ashamed."

Tony sighs before he continues.

"I have to face facts. I'm 73 years old. My plumbing doesn't work so good anymore. The library burned to the ground because of my efforts to cover the smell. I never meant for any of this to happen. I ran out of shame and embarrassment. I'm truly sorry."

Everyone applauds Tony's bravery. Kristen walks up to the podium.

"I'm the librarian Tony harassed. I thought he burned my workplace to the ground in an attempt to kill me out of spite. I now know that this was all just a big misunderstanding." She turns to Tony, "Apology accepted."

Kristen hugs Tony, which leaves him visibly embarrassed. Kristen grins wickedly.

She thought _Now, for your real punishment, asshole._ "Let's all show this sorry old fool that there are no hard feelings by giving him a hug. Come on, don't be shy!"

Tony cringes as everyone lines up to hug him in public. Kristen smirks as she knows that he'll consider this a far worse punishment than jail.

People one by one take turns hugging Tony. He grows visibly more uncomfortable with each hug. Kristen smirks.

 _Payback's a bitch._

Quinn, Jim and the three T's are in line to participate in Tony's public humiliation. Tommy looks at Quinn.

"Mom" said Tommy, "Since Grandpa came clean about something this bad I have a confession of my own."

Quinn asked "What is it, Tommy?"

"Remember the time Grandpa Tony threw a baseball in the house and it destroyed your old ballet trophy?"

Quinn folds her arms.

"Ugh, I am never forgiving him for that."

Tommy said "It was me."

Quinn smiles.

"I forgive you."

 **End Chapter.**

 _Special thanks to Kristen Bealer for giving me permission to use her as a character and all her help in insuring an accurate portrayal of her._

* * *

 **Next Time**

Jim and Kevin have a wild night on the town. When they sober up, however, they're stranded in Mexico.


	23. Jim and Kevin's Excellent Misadventure

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 23**

 **"Jim And Kevin's Excellent Misadventure"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Daria, Stacy, Lindy, Sandi and Tiffany are in the living room watching TV.

"Thanks for having us over, Quinn." said Stacy.

Quinn said "No problem, Stacy. I figured since our husbands are having a guys night out we might as well have a girls night in."

Daria, in her usual deadpan manner, commented "Yet Brittany didn't show. I wonder why?"

Equally deadpan, Lindy said "Take a guess."

All but Tiffany laugh as the implication is totally lost on her.

"Whaat's soo funnyyy?"

Sandi explained "Tiffany, don't you think it's unusual that Brittany likes to spend all of her time with Daryl?"

Tiffany is too dense to put two and two together.

"Noooo, hee's herrr traainnerr."

Daria said "Replace 'trainer' with 'lover' to get a better sense of their relationship."

Tiffany looks vacant.

"Whaat?"

Stacy said "Brittany's having an affair. She's been hooking up with Daryl for the past nine years."

Tiffany still doesn't get it.

"Buut, Brittany's maarrrrriedddd."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

"She's cheating on Kevin."

Tiffany remains lost in a fog.

"Whooo?"

Everyone rolls their eyes.

"Never mind." said Quinn.

At this point Sandi begins a rolling commentary that quickly becomes self pitying.

"That Brittany, cheating on her husband with her personal trainer." Her voice grows sadder with each word now, "Her sexy, black stud of a personal trainer."

A stray tear rolls down Sandi's cheek. Even Tiffany knows what's coming.

Sandi continued "She has a husband, a lover and five kids. I don't have that. I'm all alone. ALONE!"

She starts crying.

"Why?... _sniff_...Why ca... _sob_...can't I find lo... _sniff_...love?"

Everyone looks at her as if they don't know how to snap her out of this.

* * *

 **Brother Grimace's Brew Pub (formerly The Zon), evening...**

Kevin, Jim, Chris, Mack and Chuck are at the bar drinking beer and talking. Kevin said "Thanks for bringing us out, Mack Daddy".

Mack groans.

"No problem...and quit calling me that!"

Chuck grins.

"I guess some things never change."

Jim added "But some things do. No way I'd be able to hang out with the quarterback and team captain back in high school."

Chuck, briefly allowing his old 'Upchuck' persona to show, said "If I were still the guy I was in high school I'd be all over the feisty ladies in here. Grrroowwww!"

Mack laughed.

"If you were still Upchuck you'd probably still be a virgin."

Chuck remembered his first time. It was the only time one of Upchuck's come-ons actually worked.

"No, I was still that way when Andrea made a man of me at Jodie's graduation party. Would've been the only action I ever got, though. I certainly wouldn't be married to a goddess like Stacy."

At this point the bartender approaches. It's Axl, from the piercing parlor. He became a bartender after the gentrification of Dega Street put Axl's out of business.

"Oy, can I get you blokes anything else, or are ya stickin' with beer?"

Jim said "I'm not driving, maybe I will go with something stronger."

Axl said "I got just the thing, Vodka and Cranberry Juice."

Kevin asked "Like, isn't that a chick drink?"

Jim shrugs as he's in too good a mood to care about image.

"Hell, you only live once. Hit me up, Axl."

Kevin looks thoughtful (for him).

"I'll have one too."

Axl looks at Chuck and Mack.

"I'm driving" said Mack, "So I'll stick with beer."

Chuck, like the wannabe James Bond he used to be, said "Vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred."

Axl makes the drinks and serves them up. Jim takes a sip of his and visibly likes it. Kevin takes a huge gulp.

"Dude" said Kevin, "This is awesome!"

Jim takes another swig.

"This is incredible!"

Axl smiles.

"Thanks, mate. I make my own cranberry juice."

Jim and Kevin continue to drink while Chuck looks intrigued.

"You make your own cranberry juice?"

Axl said "Yeah, with wild cranberries I pick in the woods outside of town."

Axl gets a key out of his pocket and opens a safe under the bar. He shows Mack and Chuck the cranberries.

"Here they are."

Mack notices that these berries DO NOT look like cranberries.

"Axl, these aren't cranberries."

Chuck looks more closely.

"I know what these berries are. They're psychotropic berries."

Axl looks confused as he doesn't know about the infamous glitter berries.

"What's that mean?"

Mack said "They're poisonous."

Axl insisted "No they aren't. I've had juice made from these an' I'm still alive and kicking."

Chuck explained "The poison's a hallucinogen. They make you see and hear things that aren't really there."

Axl scratches his chin.

"I was wondering why the fridge keeps trying to eat me."

Mack and Chuck frown. Jim and Kevin have just consumed Vodka mixed with glitterberry juice. Mack looks over to Jim and Kevin only to discover that they aren't there.

"Great." said Mack, "Now we have to go looking for them."

* * *

 **Somewhere on Dega Street...**

 **Music:** "Mary Jane" by Rick James

Jim and Kevin are skipping along the sidewalk. They have goofy smiles on their faces and a glazed over look in their eyes.

" _Do do doo, Mary Jaaane"_

"Do do doo, Mary Jaaane"

Cut to a shot of Jim and Kevin drinking a six pack of beer in a Maxi Mart parking lot.

" _I'm in love with Mary Jane"_

Jim and Kevin laugh for no reason.

" _She's my main thang"_

They're now throwing empty beer cans at cars as they pass by.

" _Fills me up with her love"_

Jim hits a car with one of his beer cans. He and Kevin high five.

" _She makes my heart sang"_

Kevin and Jim are now scoring weed off of a street dealer.

 _"And when I'm feeling low, it comes as no surprise"_

Jim and Kevin are smoking weed on a curb and drinking more beer.

" _Mary fills me up with her love, takes me to paradise"_

Montage of Jim and Kevin floating through a psychedlic fantasy land.

" _Do you love me, Mary Jane_

 _Don't you play no games"_

We now see Kevin and Jim wandering the streets of Lawndale, drunk and stoned.

 _"Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you think you love me Mary Jane_

 _Don't you play no games"_

Jim and Kevin are now at Lawndale High putting graffitti on the wall while continuing to drink beer and smoke weed.

" _I'm in love with Mary Jane, I'm not the only one"_

A police car pulls up. Jim and Kevin make a run for it.

" _If Mary wanna play around, I let her have her fun"_

Jim and Kevin are now at Cafe Risque, throwing all their money on the stage as the strippers dance.

" _She's not the kind of girl that you can just tie down"_

Shot of Jim and Kevin each getting a lap dance.

 _"Mary spreads her love around"_

Jim and Kevin are now walking down the street, totally wasted. Pan out to show them walk into a parking lot. The sign reads "Lawndale Municipal Airport".

 _"Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you think you love me Mary Jane_

 _Don't you play no games"_

We see Jim hand his credit card to a pilot. Cut to a shot of Jim and Kevin boarding a private airplane. Cut to a shot of the plane taking off.

 _"Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you think you love me Mary Jane_

 _Don't you play no games"_

We now see Jim and Kevin on board the plane, totally wasted as they continue to smoke weed and drink whiskey. Cut to a shot of the plane flying into the night.

 _"Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you think you love me Mary Jane_

 _Don't you play no games"_

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next morning...**

Quinn is sitting on the living room couch in a bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee. She looks exhausted as she clearly hasn't slept all night. The doorbell rings. Quinn suddenly springs to life and races to the door. It's Mack and Chuck.

"Where's Jim?" she asked.

Mack said "We were hoping he was here."

Chuck added "Kevin disappeared on us last night too. We were going to his place next to ask Brittany if he came home."

Brittany: (VO, from the Thompson House)"...OH...DARYL...YES...GIVEITTOME...YES...YES..."

Mack rolled his eyes.

"That answers that question."

Quinn let's them in. They all sit down in the living room. She asked "What happened last night?"

Mack said "Axl served Jim and Kevin a vodka and cranberry juice cocktail."

"The cranberries weren't cranberries." Chuck added, "Axl said he picked them in the woods outside of town."

Quinn gasps as two unpleasant camping trips come to mind.

"Oh, God!"

"Yeah," said Mack, "They disappeared on us. We've been looking for them all night."

Chuck speculated "They must've been seriously tripping out."

Quinn said "Glitter berries and alcohol. I can imagine. Where could they be?"

Mack tries to reassure Quinn.

"Wherever Jim is I'm sure he's fine."

* * *

 **A city surrounded by rocky hills, desert and grassland...**

 **Music:** "Mexico Theme" from Red Dead Redemption

The city has Spanish adobe archetecture. The streets are filthy. There are a bunch of street stands with a banner over them that reads "Mercado" and a restaurant with a sign over the entrance reads "Cantina". In a trash strewn ally by the cantina Jim and Kevin are just waking up.

"Oww" said Jim as he rubbed his temples, "my head!"

Kevin said "Dude, what happened?"

Jim tries to recall the previous night but can't.

"Last thing I remember was drinking vodka and cranberry juice at Brother Grimace's Brew Pub."

They stumble out of the alley. They look at the streets. Jim spots someone walking up to the "Mercado". This person is a dark skinned Latin man walking up to an elderly shopkeeper who looks Native American.

The customer said "Hola, Senor."

"Hola!" replied the shopkeeper, "Como Estas?"

Seeing this, Jim noted "They're speaking Spanish!"

He walks up to a pedestrian.

 _I hope I'm saying this right._ "Perdonome, ustead. De donde estoy?"

The pedestrian gives Jim a funny look. Jim kindly asks again.

"Que ciudad es?"

The pedestrian said "Monterrey."

Jim's eyes go wide.

 _I hope he means the one in California._ "Monterrey! Que estado?"

The pedestrian looks at him funny.

"No te se!?"

Jim shakes his head.

The pedestrian answered "Nuevo Leon."

Jim's jaw drops. He now knows they haven't just left town, they've left the country.

"Gracias, senor."

"De nada."

The pedestrian continues on his way while Jim walks back to Kevin.

"So, like, where are we?"

Jim said "Not in Lawndale, that's for sure. This town's called Monterrey."

Kevin asked "So, like, where's Lawndale?"

Jim points to the northeast.

"About 2500 miles that way. We're in Mexico."

Kevin's eyes go wide and his jaw drops.

"Dude!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Quinn is on the kitchen phone trying to find out if anyone's seen her missing husband.

"...so I figured since he's your husband's brother maybe he crashed at your place last night."

Lindy's on the other end of the line.

"Sorry, Quinn, I haven't seen him and neither has Chris. If he showed up last night we'd know. Jason kept us both up all night with one of his crying fits."

Being a mother herself, Quinn starts to think back to when Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were infants.

"God, do I remember those days. You think one upset baby's bad try dealing with three."

Lindy stifled a giggle.

"I sometimes wonder how you stayed sane. Chris and I have our hands full with just one baby. I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you and Jim to deal with three."

While Quinn clearly wants to take a stroll down memory lane she decides to stick to business.

"If you're frustrated just let me know, I've been there. So, you haven't seen Jim at all?"

Lindy said "No. We'll let you know if we find out anything."

"Thanks, Lindy. Bye!"

"Later, Quinn."

They both hang up. Daria comes into the kitchen and sits down across from Quinn.

"Any luck?"

Quinn shakes her head.

"No one's seen Jim or Kevin since they left BG's last night."

Daria commented "I'd ask how Brittany's taking it but she probably hasn't even noticed Kevin's missing."

Quinn dryly said "More like she and Daryl are taking full advantage of the fact that he's not around."

"True" said Daria, "She has an adulterous lover to take her mind off of things. Maybe you should find a sexy personal trainer to bang on the side."

Quinn shoots Daria a mean look.

"Sorry, bad joke."

Quinn decides not to press the issue.

"I just wish I knew where those guys are."

Daria puts a reassuring hand on her sister's shoulder.

"Wherever they are I'm sure they're fine."

* * *

 **The streets of Monterrey, Mexico...**

 **Music:** "La Cucharacha"

Jim and Kevin are walking the streets and pondering their situation. They are trying to find a payphone but are having no luck.

"Unbelievable!" said Jim, "I can't call home because I left my I-phone God-knows-where and it turns out payphone's no longer exist in Mexico either. We are totally screwed."

Kevin asked "So, like, how did we wind up in Mexico?"

Jim said "I wish I knew. We were so wasted last night that I can't remember a damn thing. Since it only took a few hours we must've flown. That's all I know."

"Can't we just fly back?"

"Kevin" said Jim, "Whoever flew us here left us here."

"So, we have someone else fly us back."

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Kevin, we're in a foreign country with no passports, no papers, no ID of any kind. What do we say? "Excuse me, we don't know how we wound up in Mexico but could you fly us to America"?"

Kevin asked "Why not?"

Jim patiently tries to explain.

"Kevin, you can't travel internationally without ID and we don't have any. We try flying back and we'll be arrested on sight."

"But then why'd they let us in?"

Increasingly irritated, Jim hissed "I'd tell you if I could remember."

Kevin tries to think.

"Ummm...Uhhhh...hmmm...mmmmm..."

Jim deadpanned "Don't strain yourself."

A light (a dim one) goes off in Kevin's head.

"I got it! We rent a car and drive back."

Jim pulls out his wallet and is dismayed to find all of his cards missing, including his driver's license.

"Kevin, you need a passport to drive across the border. Also, I must've left my credit card somewhere because all I have is cash."

Kevin said "So, pay cash."

Jim explained "You can't rent a car without a credit card or ID, and we don't have either. All I have is enough cash to get a couple of bus tickets to Lawndale and we can't do that without getting back on the US side of the border first."

"Dude," said Kevin, "I thought you could do anything in Mexico."

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Kevin, this isn't Cancun or Baja. We're in real Mexico, not tourist friendly Mexico."

Kevin has a look of realization.

"Aww, Man!"

At this point, Jim spots a parked car. He notices a man walking to the car with his keys. Jim scans his surroundings. He sees a large pebble on the pavement. Jim gets an idea. He picks up the fist sized pebble.

 _Desperate times call for desperate measures. We'd better move fast._ "Kevin, follow my lead."

Jim sneaks up behind the man as he opens his car. The man doesn't see the American coming up behind him with a rock in his hand. Jim clubs the man upside the head, hard.

"QUE!?"

Jim hits him in the face, breaking his nose and knocking him out. He takes the keys.

"KEVIN, IN THE CAR! NOW!"

"EEP!"

Kevin runs to the car and tries to slide across the hood to the passenger side. He falls on his ass. Jim is not happy.

"DAMMIT, KEVIN!"

Jim grabs Kevin and shoves him into the passenger seat. He floors the gas pedal and the stolen car speeds down the road. In side the car, Kevin said "DUDE, DID YOU JUST CARJACK SOMEONE!?"

Jim replied "Yes, because we need to get back to America and this is the only way I could come up with in a hurry."

The car races out of town and into the Mexican countryside.

* * *

 **A desolate highway in the Mexican desert, later that day...**

 **Music:** "Dead Or Alive" by Bon Jovi

Jim is driving while Kevin is in the passenger seat. Kevin is visibly excited.

"DUDE, THAT WAS AWESOME!"

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Kevin, we just carjacked a random stranger out of desperation."

Kevin, not getting the seriousness of the situation, said "Yeah, just like in GTA."

Jim said "Kevin, this is real life. We're really gonna get it if the federales catch wind of this. I mean, we probably won't last an hour in a Mexican jail."

"So, like, what do we do now?"

Jim has a plan. It's a hasty, spur of the moment plan but that's still better than no plan.

"We drive until we're a few miles from the border. After that, we ditch the car."

Kevin asked "Can't we just drive all the way to Lawndale?"

Jim rolls his eyes. Kevin just doesn't get it.

"Kevin, we have no ID and we're in a stolen car. No way customs is gonna let us in. Hell, we'd be lucky if all they did was detain us. We'll ditch the car and try to find a way to sneak across."

Suddenly, the engine starts to make loud grinding noises and the car's slowing down.

"SHIT!"

There's a loud boom as the car rolls off road and comes to a stop. Black smoke is coming from the hood.

Jim shouted "BAIL OUT!"

Kevin doesn't understand.

"What!?"

With no time to explain, Jim reaches over, opens the door and shoves Kevin out of the car. Jim then opens the driver side door and jumps out of the car. They watch the car roll as it bursts into flames and finally explodes. Kevin's eyes go wide.

"COOL!"

Jim runs over to Kevin.

"You all right?"

Kevin said "That was fun! Can we do it again?"

Jim buries his face in his hand and groans out of frustration.

"We're stranded in the desert. How the hell are we gonna get to the border now!?"

As if on cue, a walking caravan of migrants appears. Jim gets an idea.

"Kevin, follow me and keep your mouth shut."

Jim and Kevin walk up to the caravan.

Aiuda me!," Jim called out, "Aiuda me! Alto, por favor!"

He approaches as they stop.

"English! Habla English?"

No one answers. Jim tries another language. He's picked up enough Italian from his grandparents over the years to get by in a pinch and the language is close enough to Spanish that a Mexican would at least have an idea what Jim's trying to say even if they don't understand the words.

"Parla lei Italiano?"

On guy nods.

"Si."

Jim said "Gracie Dio. Prego, nostro andiamo a America..."

* * *

 **Montage**

 **Music:** "So Far Away" by Jose Gonzales

We now see Jim and Kevin traveling with the caravan across the Mexican desert.

 _Step in front of a runaway train._

It's now night time and they've set up camp.

 _Just to feel alive again._

Jim and Kevin eat some food with the migrants.

 _Pushing forward through the night._

The caravan travels under cover of darkness.

 _Aching chest and blurry sight._

We now see an epic sunrise as the sun appears between two mesas.

 _It's so far, so far away._

We now see them all sweaty and exhausted as they walk under the brutal midday sun.

 _It's so far, so far away._

Kevin wipes the sweat off of his brow.

 _Can't believe this state you're in._

They stop for a drink.

 _Cold wind blows against your skin._

Wide shot of the whole caravan as the sun sets.

 _It's so far, so far away._

We see them camping for the night. Cut to another sunrise.

 _It's so far, so far away._

The sun's setting.

 _It's so far, so far away._

They continue to march as daylight starts to fade. Cut to their POV and we see a river.

* * *

 **Mexican side of the Rio Grande, sunset...**

"We've made it." said Jim, "We're at the Rio Grande."

Scratching his head, Kevin said "Uhhh...What?"

Pointing, Jim said "That's Texas on the other side."

The migrants start to wade and swim across the river. Jim turns to Kevin.

"Let's go."

They swim across. The area is so remote as to have no border fence. Soon, they're across.

Kevin said "Dude, we made it!"

Just then, a bunch of off road vehicles approach from all sides.

"SHIT!" exclaimed Jim.

"What?" asked Kevin.

"Border Patrol! RUN!"

Jim and Kevin run in the one direction the vehicles aren't coming from. Cut to a montage of Border Patrol vehicles closing in as the migrants all scatter. Kevin and Jim keep running as the agents round up several migrants. Others get away. Jim and Kevin tumble down a hill. At the bottom of the hill they find some trees and brush.

Jim said "This way."

They duck behind a tree as a Border Patrol ATV passes right by them. They both breathe a sigh of relief as it continues on, having not spotted them.

"We made it." said Jim, "We're back in the good old US of A."

Just then, several men in camoflage emerge from the brush and aim rifles at Jim and Kevin. Three of them approach and speak with a heavy drawl.

The first vigilante said "Well, whut we got here?"

A second vigilante said "Looks like a couple o' spicks invadin' 'Murica."

Another vigilante said "Le's Strang 'em up!"

Jim and Kevin gasp. They've evaded border patrol only to be caught by a bunch of rednecks hellbent on lynching them.

* * *

 **A wooded field in Texas, evening...**

Jim and Kevin are being held at gunpoint by a mob of angry rednecks.

Redneck 1: "Hold up! Le's see whut these fellas gotta say first."

Sensing a way out of this, Jim speaks up.

"You guys are gonna get a real laugh out of this. See..."

One of the rednecks interrupts him.

Redneck 2: ""Youse guys"!? You a yankee, boy?"

Jim nods before continuing.

"We're just trying to get back to New Jersey. See, we drank too much one night and blacked out. We woke up in Mexico."

One of the rednecks said "Yer 'murican, then?"

Jim said "A proud one. My father's retired Special Forces."

"So, you ain't spicks?"

"No, if it were daylight you wouldn't even have to ask that. We're pretty white."

"You Catholic or Jewish?"

Jim shakes his head.

Another redneck asked "You freedom hatin', n#$%^& lovin' liberals?"

Jim said "No, we aren't."

They look ready to let Jim and Kevin go until Kevin opens his mouth, blowing their cover in the process.

"But, Jim, I thought you were raised Catholic and we both voted for Hillary in the last election. Also, one of our best friend's is black."

The rednecks re-aim their guns. Jim buries his face in his hands. Leave it to Kevin to make a bad situation even worse.

"Nice try, Jersey Boy. Turns out you're traitors to both yer country an' yer race."

Kevin tries a quote he heard in a movie. It doesn't help.

"Dude, we're all human and we're all American's. Jim, help me out."

Annoyed, Jim said "Shut up, Kevin."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

 **Music:** "Call Me, Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

Quinn is seated on the living room sofa staring at the phone. She's anxiously awaiting news about her husband. The door bell rings. Quinn gets up and answers. It's Sandi. Sandi is expertly made up and her hair is perfect. She's wearint a midriff baring black t-shirt so tight that one can tell she isn't wearing a bra. Her shoes are black go-go boots and her denim skirt is so mini that if Sandi bends over or sits down everyone would see her panties. Quinn immediately sniffs the air around Sandi. What she smells confirms her suspicions.

"Sandi, you're drunk. I can smell the whiskey over here."

Sandi ignores this and immediately tries to seduce Quinn (and fails miserably).

"Quinn, I'm so sorry. Jim left you."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Sandi, Jim didn't leave me."

Sandi pointed out "He's been gone for four days."

Quinn said "He didn't leave me. He and Kevin got wasted on glitter berries and wandered off. He's lost."

Sandi plays her trump card.

"Quinn, remember your bachelorette party?"

"Which part?"

"When you and I made out in the Jacuzzi."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

"Sandi, we were drunker than you are now."

In an erotic voice, Sandi cooed "We don't have to fight it anymore, Quinn. There's something between us. We need each other."

Quinn said "What you need is to go home and sleep it off."

Sandi shouted "I LOVE YOU!"

She immediately grabs Quinn and tries to kiss her. Quinn shoves her off.

"Dammit, Sandi! You're wasted. Even if you weren't I still wouldn't hook up with you because I'm not into girls."

Sandi now has a look of pure desperation on her face.

"Quinn, please!? I'm so lonely and your husband left you. Let's go upstairs and make love."

Quinn shoves Sandi out the door.

"I have a better idea, you go home and sleep it off."

"But...but..."

Annoyed, Quinn said "Goodnight, Sandi."

She closes the door in Sandi's face. Sandi falls to her knees.

"WHY CAN'T I FIND LOVE!?"

She starts to cry. Suddenly...

"ulp...glug...gulp...hic...urp...BBBLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHH!"

She pukes all over the doorstep.

"Maybe I should go home and sleep it off."

* * *

 **A forest in eastern Texas, night...**

The Ku Klux Klan are holding a rally in a clearing. All are dressed in white robes and hoods. They're holding torches. The Klan leader addresses them.

"My white, American brothers, we'd planned tonight to burn some spick invaders at the cross. Instead, we have something just as good. Tonight, we will burn two race traitors who are anti-American liberal elitists."

Cut to the two large crosses behind them. Jim is tied to one while Kevin's tied to the other.

Jim thought _Why me, God? First, I wind up stranded in Mexico. Then, I have to steal a car. Then, a long walk in the desert. Now, a bunch of hate mongers are cruicifying me and about to burn me alive. What did I do wrong in a past life?_

The Klansman continues to whip up the crowd.

"Tonight, we will light the darkness with the blood of people who want to see this great nation overrun by inferior creatures who want to poison our race and our way of life."

Kevin clearly does not understand the danger he and Jim are in.

"Two guys are gonna be burned on a cross? Cool!"

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Kevin, we're the ones they're gonna burn."

Kevin finally gets it.

"You mean...they're gonna burn US!?"

Jim nods.

Kevin said "AW, MAN!"

Jim let's out a resigned sigh.

"Kevin, since we're about to die there's something I need to tell you."

"Okay."

Jim admitted "For the past nine and a half years Brittany's been cheating on you with Daryl. We all knew about it but never said anything. Also, Daryl is Kevin Jr.'s real father."

Kevin looks dumbfounded until...

"heh...ha...hoo-hoo...ha...HA...AH...HA...HA...HA...GOOD ONE, DUDE!...HEH...HA...HEE...HEE..."

Jim looks puzzled.

"Kevin!?"

Kevin stops laughing.

"Thanks, man. A good joke's just what I needed. I actually thought you were serious for a minute. I mean, come on. We both know Brit would never do something like that to me. She's my babe."

Jim rolls his eyes.

 _I just told him the truth about Brittany and Daryl and he thinks I'm JOKING!?_

At this point, the Klansmen approach with their torches. Jim and Kevin both gulp as they know what's coming. One Klansman trips on his robe.

"AHHHH!"

He drops his torch and his robe catches fire. They're all so close together that this sets off a chain reaction of guys falling and accidentally lighting themselves on fire. In a panic all of the Klansmen run off into the night, screaming as they burn alive. Once they're gone, Jim and Kevin both breathe a huge sigh of relief.

"So" asked Kevin, "Like, what now?"

Jim said "I have all night to wiggle free of these ropes, so that's what I'm gonna do."

"Cool! Will you free me when you're done?"

"I haven't decided yet."

Kevin looks frightened.

"EEP!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, two days later...**

Jim walks up to the front door and opens it. Quinn and the three T's are sitting on the living room couch. Jim comes in. Relieved to finally be home, he has a huge smile on his face.

"Hey, guys. Miss me?"

The three T's run up to him.

"DAD!"

They hug him. Quinn quickly joins the group hug.

"JIM, WHERE WERE YOU!? We were so worried."

Jim said "Long story."

* * *

 **The kitchen, sometime later...**

Jim is telling his family what happened over the last week.

"...so after a few hours I got one of my hands free and untied myself from the cross. By the time I'd freed Kevin the sun was coming up so we went to a bus station and took a Greyhound Bus back to Lawndale."

Both Tommy and Timmy's eyes go wide.

Timmy said "So a bunch of racists tried to burn you and Mr. Thompson but burned themselves instead?"

Tommy said "Cool!"

Teddy turns to Quinn.

"Mom, you aren't buying this, are you?"

Quinn said "Since it happened in the deep south, I actually do believe it. I'm originally from Texas, remember."

Teddy accepts this.

"That would mean Highland's even worse than this place."

Quinn waves her hand.

"You don't know the half of it."

Jim said "I've been there. It's as bad as Camden."

They all laugh.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at the Thompson house...**

We see Kevin walk in and close the door behind him.

Kevin: (VO, from house) "BABE, I'M HOME!"

Brittany: (VO, from house) "EEEP!"

Daryl: (VO, from house) "KEVIN!"

Kevin: "Hey, Daryl...Um, Why are you guys naked?"

Brittany: "uh...well...um...I..."

Daryl: "Wrestling lesson. This is how they wrestled in ancient Greece."

Kevin: "Cool! Sorry I interrupted you guys. Brit, what's for dinner tonight?"

End Chapter.


	24. Babysitting Pretty

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **Life After Thirty**

 **Ep. 24**

 **"Babysitting Pretty"**

 **written by WildDogJJ**

 **Mayo Clinic, day...**

Daria and Quinn are in Dr. Conway's office nervously awaiting the results of her follow up. The doctor looks at the results and smiles.

"Good news, Daria," he said, "You're now cancer free. Also, the full metabolic panel has shown your hormones to be back at normal levels."

"So, I'm cured?"

Dr. Conway explained "No, you're never 'cured', your cancer could always come back at some point. That's why you'll need annual follow ups for the next ten years. If the cancer doesn't return in that time then the follow ups are reduced to once every two years. But, to be fair, the treatment was a success. No detectable cancer cells in your system and the hormone replacement therapy has restored your sex hormones to where they would be if you'd never gotten cancer."

Daria shrugged at that last one.

"That explains why I've been so horny lately."

Quinn's eyes go wide.

"Daria!"

In her usual deadpan manner Daria said "Contrary to popular belief, I never was an asexual being."

Quinn said "I know, but it's still kinda weird to hear your own sister talk about her sex life."

"Now you know how I feel when you and Jim get frisky."

Quinn blushes out of embarrassment. Daria has that famous smirk of hers on her face.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and Daria are at the kitchen table sharing the good news with Jim and the boys.

"So," said Jim, "You're cancer free, huh?"

"I bet this is the part where you tell me to go back to New York." Daria sardonically replied.

Quinn said "Don't be ridiculous, Daria. You're welcome to stay as long as you want. Still, we should celebrate this weekend. Jim and I will call all our friends for a night on the town."

Daria searches for a way out.

"I can stay and watch the kids if you want."

Quinn doesn't take the bait.

"Don't be silly, Daria. This is to celebrate you being cancer free. Of course you're coming with us. I'll even call Jane and ask her to come down from New York for the weekend."

Jim realizes something.

"Quinn, she does have a point. Who'll watch the kids?"

Quinn looks thoughtful.

"I'll make some calls."

She picks up her cell phone and dials a number.

"Hello, Abby...You remember, good...Look, I was wondering if..." Quinn suddenly looks put off, "...She hung up on me!"

Teddy looks at Tommy as he said "I guess she's still not over the dead sea monkeys you put in her denture cup."

Quinn dials another number.

"Hi, Liz. It's me, Quinn Carbone..."

A brown haired woman is on the other end of the line watching over visibly traumatized brunette who looks just like her.

"Sorry, this isn't Liz. I'm her sister, I look after her now."

With a haunted look on her face, Liz muttered "No, Tommy, put it down...put it down, Tommy..."

Liz's sister hangs up. Quinn looks very discouraged. Daria smirks.

"Well, Quinn, looks like your boys are even better at traumatizing babysitters than we were."

Neither Quinn nor Jim are amused.

* * *

 **D'Angelo house, evening...**

 **Music:** "Overtime" by Cash Cash

Lauren D'Angelo, Lawndale High's head cheerleader and Ultra Thompson's girlfriend, is on the phone in her room.

"Of course I'll do it, Mrs. Carbone. Your boys seem really sweet."

On the other end of the line Quinn said "Thanks, Lauren. How's thirty bucks an hour sound?"

"That'll work."

( **Author's note:** The Gupty's paid Quinn $16.00 an hour in the late ninties. That'd be about $25.00 in today's money.)

Quinn explained "Now, we don't usually allow the babysitter to have boys over."

Lauren nods.

"I get it."

Quinn went on.

"We're making an exception in your case since your boyfriend lives next door to us."

Lauren's pleasantly surprised.

"That's really nice of you, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn shrugged.

"What can I say? I'm realistic."

Lauren said "I still don't plan on having him over. I take responsibility pretty seriously and Ultra's hardly the responsible type. I mean, he did give me herpes."

This is news to Quinn.

"I didn't know Ultra had herpes."

Lauren gasps as she realizes what she just let slip. She went on to explain "Yeah, he didn't tell me about the slutty blonde he cheated on me with until after I confronted him about the rash on my...um...well, you know."

Quinn nods.

"I understand. So, we'll see you Saturday evening."

"I'll be there."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Daria and Jane are sitting on the couch watching TV in the living room. On the TV screen is an image of a Black Mass attended by children.

 **TV Announcer:** "She was supposed to watch the kids, but sacrificed them to the Prince of Darkness instead. Satan's Babysitter, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Cut back to Daria and Jane.

Daria said "Thanks for doing this."

Jane replied "No problem, amiga. I needed a break so a trip back to the cesspool where it all began was just the thing."

Daria reads between the lines.

"Where'd Alan run off to this time?"

"Peru." said Jane, "I'd be pissed, but absentee husbands just don't bother me."

"We'll, you grew up with absentee parents."

Jane smirked.

"Benign neglect in childhood has served me well as an adult."

Quinn and Jim enter. The three T's are with them.

Jane looked up and asked "So, where are we headed?"

Jim answered "Across the river. There's this karaoke bar in Philly we've been wanting to check out and tonight is 80's night."

"Sounds fun." said Jane

"And stupid." added Daria.

Quinn, meanwhile, is talking to her boys.

"Now, I want you boys on your best behavior with Lauren. Tommy, no pranks. Timmy, no whining. Teddy, no snarky insults."

Timmy said "Okay, Mom."

"I won't cause trouble, Mom."

Behind his back Tommy has his fingers crossed. Suddenly, the doorbell rings.

Quinn said "That must be her."

She opens the front door. It's Lauren.

"Hey, Mrs. Carbone."

"Lauren, come on in."

Lauren comes in. Quinn closes the door behind her.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the living room, a short time later...**

Lauren is watching TV with the three T's, who are all visibly bored. The kids are bored because they're watching is FashionVision.

 **Announcer:** "And this one's modeling the latest by Gucci."

Lauren is captivated while all three of the triplets wish they were someplace else.

Tommy asked "Can't we watch something cool?"

Lauren decides to humor them.

"Well, I guess we could watch a movie."

She speaks into the remote (Jim and Quinn have a smart TV).

"Open Netflix."

Netflix displays on the screen.

Lauren asked "What kind of movie do you boys wanna watch?"

Timmy said "Comedy."

Tommy said "Action."

Teddy said "Horror."

The doorbell rings.

Lauren said "I'll get it. Find something that's not R rated."

Lauren gets up and answers the door. It's Ultra.

"Hey, babe."

Lauren is not happy to see her dumb jock boyfriend.

"Ultra, what are you doing here?"

Ultra said "I, like, saw your car in the driveway."

Lauren rolls her eyes as she'd already told him not to come over while she's babysitting.

"Ultra, I'm babysitting."

Ultra grins lecherously.

"No parents? Cool! Wanna go upstairs and do it?"

Lauren is visibly put off by her boyfriend's thoughtlessness.

"Ultra, I'm supposed to watch the kids, not get it on with my boyfriend."

Ultra is undeterred.

"Cool! I'm, like, great with kids."

Annoyed, Lauren said "You showed my little brother an issue of Playboy once."

Ultra, clearly not getting it, said "Yeah, that was pretty cool."

Lauren rolls her eyes.

"No, it was showing adult material to a kid."

In the house the three T's eavesdrop. They grin as they start to think of ways to take advantage of this development.

* * *

 **The living room, a short time later...**

Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Lauren and Ultra are seated on the couch. The kids are behaving themselves (so far). Lauren is grateful that Ultra is behaving himself as well. They are watching 'Shreck 2'.

 **Donkey:** "I was not properly mirandized. They didn't tell me I had the right to remain silent. I DEMAND THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!"

 **Shreck:** "DONKEY, you have the right to remain silent! What you lack is the ability."

Cut to Ultra and Lauren. Ultra slides a hand across her shoulder. He pulls her close as his right hand slides down to grab her right breast. She reacts by sliding away.

"Ultra, there are kids here."

"But, babe..."

Teddy interrupts.

"It's okay as long as you two keep your clothes on."

Lauren doesn't believe him.

"No, it isn't. Ultra wants to do grown up stuff. We don't do that in front of kids."

Teddy pulls out his most potent weapon: cold, hard logic.

"How old are you?"

Lauren said "We're both seventeen."

Teddy explained "Then technically you two are kids as well."

Tommy joins the conversation.

"It's okay. Mom and Dad make out with each other in front of us all the time."

Lauren's eyes go wide with disbelief. She knows Jim and Quinn would never paw each other like a pair of horny teenagers in front of the kids. Ultra, on the other hand...

"Cool! I mean, your mom's a total MILF."

Timmy asked "What's a MILF?"

"Mom I'd Like To..."

Lauren puts an immediate stop to THAT line.

"ULTRA!"

Teddy sees his opening and takes it.

"The F stands for F$%&."

"TEDDY!"

Ultra continues to push for a make out session with his GF.

"Come on, babe. The kids said it's cool if we make out."

Lauren is visibly uncertain.

"Well...okay."

She and Ultra proceed to make out hot and heavy. Now that they're distracted Teddy steals the remote.

 _Now, to disable the parental controls._

* * *

 **Downtown Philadelphia, evening...**

A neon colored banner out front reads "80's Night".

 **Int. Shot:** The karaoke bar

The place has been redecorated for the evening. There's neon and pastels everywhere and posters for movies such as "Back To The Future", "The Karate Kid", "The Breakfast Club", "Rambo" and "Sixteen Candles". There are also pictures of Thriller-era Michael Jackson, Virgin-era Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Purple Rain-era Prince and even a presidential portrait of Ronald Reagan. The staff are even made up to look 80's. The guys are wearing denim vests and sporting feathered mullett hairstyles. The girls are wearing leg warmers and have their hair poofed way out. There are even black guys sporting jehri curl. In short, it looks like you traveled back in time to 1985.

Cut to a table and we see Quinn, Jim, Daria, Jane, Sandi, Tiffany, Stacy, Chuck, Ming, Chris and Lindy seated at a table. Tiffany looks confused. "Whyyy iss everryyonne dreessed liike iit's thee eiiightiess?"

Sandi tries to explain.

"Tiffany, this place is having an 80's night."

Tiffany scrunches her nose in disgust.

"Thaat's soooo wroong."

Daria remarked "The sad thing is I actually agree with you."

Quinn tries to get Daria to loosen up.

"Come on, Daria. Let's enjoy the evening."

On stage Chan Wang is singing horribly.

"Like virgin...touched for very first time...like virgin...feel heartbeat...next to mine..."

Back at the table everyone visibly cringes. Jim turns to Quinn.

"Did you have to invite Chan and Ming?"

Before Quinn can answer Ming explains "Chan no want to come until I remind him you here."

Jim gives the Chinese woman a curious look.

"I thought your husband hated me."

Ming said "Chan hate you for sure, that why he come and sing off key. He do it to annoy you."

Indeed, Chan is having a good time, especially when he sees how uncomfortable Jim is.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...**

Lauren is supposed to be watching the kids but is too busy making out with Ultra to notice Teddy's unscrambling the remote while Tommy and Timmy wait in anticipation.

"And...viola! The parental controls are disabled."

Tommy said "About time!"

He snatches the remote from Teddy and activates the voice command.

"Spice channel!"

The three T's are glued to the TV set as cheesy disco music plays.

 **Male voice:** (VO, from TV) "UGH...UGH...YEAH...TAKE...IT...YEAH..."

 **Female voice:** (VO, from TV) "OH...OH...YES...BABY...YES...YES...AHHHHH...OHGOD...YES..."

 **Tommy, Timmy and Teddy:** "EEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Lauren and Ultra stop making out. Lauren is horrified when she sees what the boys are watching.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

Ultra's eyes go wide.

"AWRIGHT! PORN!"

Lauren immediately snatches the remote from the boys.

"Previous channel."

It switches back to Disney. Ultra is VERY disappointed.

"AW, MAN!"

Lauren turns to the boys.

"Boys, that stuff's for adults only."

Tommy lied, saying "But Mom and Dad let us watch it."

Ultra actually believes him.

"Really!? Cool!"

Lauren doesn't buy it for a second.

"Like a parent would ever let a seven year old watch porn. Why don't you go upstairs and play a video game?"

The triplets head upstairs. Lauren turns to Ultra.

"Why didn't you tell me what they were doing!?"

Ultra said "I didn't know, babe!"

Lauren rolls her eyes. Ultra gets an idea.

"You know, babe, we're alone now."

Lauren said "Ultra, we can't!"

Ultra insisted "But, like, they're upstairs. We'll hear if they come down."

Lauren looks doubtful.

"Fine, but nothing that involves taking clothes off."

Ultra is disappointed.

"Aw, Man!"

* * *

 **The master bedroom, a short time later...**

The three T's are rummaging through their parents stuff. Tommy pulls a boardgame out from under the bed. He reads the box.

""Hot Monogamy", what kind of a game is that!?"

Timmy and Teddy emerge from the walk in closet. Timmy is wearing a leather bikini with spikes on the cups.

"I've never seen Mom is this before. I also found this on her side."

Timmy pulls out a whipping rod with a heart shaped leather flail on the end. Teddy emerges with handcuffs in one hand and a ball gag in the other.

"I think the whip and bikini go with the stuff I found on Dad's side."

Tommy shakes his head.

"I knew Mom and Dad were weird, but damn!?"

Tommy walks to the window and opens it. He sticks his head out. After enjoying the view from two stories up he pulls himself in.

"You guys gotta try this. The view's awesome!"

Teddy said "Until you fall out and break a leg, that is."

That frightens Timmy.

"I don't wanna break a leg."

Tommy starts to tease.

"What's the matter, bikini boy? You a pussy?"

Timmy, who's wearing the leather bikini and nothing else, covers himself.

Teddy said "Hey, you guys wanna break your necks go right ahead."

Tommy insisted "Don't be such a brain, Teddy. Just hold onto the window sill and you'll be fine." He turns to Timmy. "Come on, Timmy. It's cool."

Feeling the pressure, Timmy walks up to the window and leans over. His fear immediately vanishes.

"This...is...AWESOME!"

Tommy smirks.

"Told ya."

Timmy leans too far out. Suddenly...

"OH, NO! HELP!"

Both of his brothers rush to pull him in before he falls.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the living room...**

Lauren and Ultra are on the sofa making out. Ultra even has a hand up Lauren's shirt. Lauren places one of her hands on Ultra's crotch.

 _Screw it! The kids are probably asleep by now anyway._

She breaks off the kiss.

"Babe!" said Ultra.

Lauren said "The kids are probably asleep by now and the parents won't be home for another few hours."

She starts to remove her shirt when...

"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

This is immediately followed by a loud thud right outside. Lauren's eyes go wide in panic.

"OHMYGOD!"

She frantically pulls her shirt down as Tommy and Teddy run down the stairs.

Tommy shouted "TIMMY FELL OUT THE WINDOW!"

Lauren runs to the front door at a frantic pace. Once outside she finds Timmy on the ground. Timmy's just unconscious, but Lauren doesn't know that. She immediately freaks out.

"OH, GOD! HE'S DEAD! I'M A BAD BABYSITTER!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Lauren, Ultra, Tommy and Teddy are in the front yard standing over an unconscious Timmy. Timmy fell out of the 2nd story bedroom window and was wearing a leather bikini that he found in his parent's closet. Lauren, who was supposed to be watching the boys, is freaking out.

"OHMYGOD! I KILLED TIMMY!"

In a Daria like deadpan, Teddy said "Actually, Tommy's the one who dared him to lean out the window."

Lauren continues to freak out.

"Your parents are never gonna trust me again after this! I AM SO DEAD! I should've been watching you guys."

Ultra looks annoyed that he isn't going to get any tonight after all.

"But, babe, we were about to get it on!"

Lauren stares daggers at her boyfriend.

"HOW CAN YOU THINK ABOUT SEX NOW!? I JUST SCREWED UP ROYALLY!"

"But, babe..."

Timmy begins to regain consciousness. He sits up as his lip trembles and his eyes start to water.

" _sniff..._ WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lauren rushes over to the boy. She's so relieved that she doesn't notice that he's wearing a leather bikini with metal spikes that he stole from his parents S&M stash.

"THANK GOD! TIMMY, ARE YOU HURT!?"

"I... _sniff...sob_...I WANT MY MOMMY! WAAAAHHHHHH-HAH-AHHHHHHH!"

Teddy and Tommy both smirk.

Teddy said "Guess that answers that question."

Tommy's voice takes on a sly tone.

"I wonder what Mom and Dad will think of this."

Lauren gasps in terror.

"Boys, please don't tell your parents about this!"

Teddy flashes that Daria like half grin.

"What's in it for us?"

Lauren begs the boys.

"Please, I'll do anything!"

Teddy and Tommy both smirk. Lauren helps Timmy to his feet.

"Come on, Timmy. Once I'm sure you're fine we'll do whatever you and your brothers want, okay."

" _sniff_...o...okay."

Lauren walks Timmy into the house. As she does Timmy smiles back at his brother's and gives them the thumbs up. Once she's out of earshot cut to Tommy and Teddy. They both smirk.

"She bought it!"

* * *

 **Flashback Sequence**

First, we see Tommy and Teddy pull Timmy back from the window before he falls. Next, we see Teddy grin as he gets an idea. Cut to a shot of Teddy explaining his plan to his brothers. Next, a shot of Ultra and Lauren making out on the couch. They don't notice Timmy come down the stairs and slip out the front door. Next shot is Timmy screaming while Tommy drops a bowling ball from the bedroom window. The ball lands in the hedges while Timmy falls back on the grass and pretends to be unconscious.

* * *

 **The karaoke club in Philadelphia...**

Chan is on stage continuing to sing bad renditions of 80's pop songs for the sole purpose of torturing Jim.

"Are we not fortunate one...because girl, they wanna have fun...yes, girl just wanna have fun..."

At the table the rest of the crowd is cringing, especially Jim.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take."

Daria and Jane are visibly amused by everyone else's discomfort.

Daria said "A night out was a fun idea after all."

Jane added "Yet again we prove that misery loves company."

A new song begins. Chan begins a horrible rendition of Corey Hart's "Sunglasses At Night".

"...I wear my sunglasses at night..."

Jim now looks uncomfortable enough to consider suicide as a means of escape.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Lauren is in the downstairs bathroom checking Timmy for injuries.

"No cuts, no bruises and I don't think anything's broken. Thank God. Now, what's with the S and M bikini?"

The fat seven year old said "I found it in Mom and Dad's closet. What's S and M?"

Lauren looks very awkward.

"Um...well...you see...It's just something grown ups like to do. You'll understand when you're older."

She now visibly wants to change the subject.

"What do you wanna do now, Timmy?"

"Can me and my brothers watch an R rated movie?"

Lauren looks like she's about to say no but thinks better of it. With a resigned sigh she said "Okay."

Ultra comes in. Lauren isn't happy to see him.

"Didn't I just tell you to go home?"

Ultra holds up a bowling ball.

"I found this outside. I just wanted to know where it goes."

Lauren asked "Where'd you find it?"

Ultra said "In the hedges, right by where Timmy fell."

Timmy immediately fears that he's about to be found out.

"EEP!"

Lauren now eyes the boy suspiciously.

* * *

 **The living room, a short time later...**

Timmy, Tommy and Teddy are sitting on the couch while an upset Lauren lectures them.

"Tell me the truth, Timmy didn't really fall out the window, did he?"

Tommy and Timmy are visibly nervous. Teddy, on the other hand, has a few more cards to play.

"How do you know the ball wasn't there before?"

Lauren said "Timmy doesn't have a scratch on him after falling from a second floor window. That and a bowling ball next to where he fell is a big tip off. Now, fess up!"

Tommy and Timmy look like they're about to come clean until Teddy gives them a death stare.

Teddy turned to Lauren and attempted blackmail.

"How much trouble do you think you'll be in when I tell Mom and Dad you were making out with your boyfriend instead of watching us?"

Lauren doesn't take the bait. She has a ten year old brother and knows all the tricks.

"How much trouble do you boys think you'll be in when I tell them you went through their stuff?"

Teddy sighs.

"It was just a prank."

Her suspicions confirmed, Lauren becomes angry.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TERRIFIED I WAS!? I was scared Timmy was seriously hurt."

Timmy now looks guilty.

"I...I didn't even wanna do it, I swear! TOMMY AND TEDDY MADE ME!"

Tommy shakes his fist.

"YOU RAT!"

Before a fight can start...

"BOYS!"

Lauren proceeds to lay down the law.

" You can tell your parents I was making out with my boyfriend but I can tell them you went through their stuff, unscrambled the porn channel AND pulled a vicious prank on me. In other words, if I go down I'm taking all three of you with me."

This gets the attention of all three. Lauren continues.

"Here's the deal, you do whatever I say for the rest of the night and I won't tell your parents about the prank OR the porn. Got it!?"

All three nod.

Pleased, Lauren said "Good. Timmy, change back into your regular clothes and put that leather bikini back where you found it. Then, all three of you stay here and watch TV with me for the rest of the night."

The three T's immediately do as they're told.

* * *

 **Several hours later...**

We see Quinn, Jim, Daria and Jane come home and enter the living room. They find Lauren is watching TV. The boys have been sent to bed because it's late. Lauren looks up. "Hey, everyone."

Quinn said "Hey, Lauren. Did the boys behave themselves?"

Lauren said "They were a little rambunctious at first but settled down once they realized I wouldn't let them walk all over me."

Jim is visibly impressed.

"That's great! They gave their last sitter a nervous breakdown."

Lauren shrugged.

"They just need to be reminded who the adult is. I have a little brother their age and he's the same way."

Quinn hands Lauren the money.

"Thanks for doing this, Lauren."

Lauren takes the money.

"No problem. Next time you need a babysitter give me a call."

Jim said "We will."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

In the kitchen Quinn is having her morning coffee. Daria comes in.

"Hey, sis."

"Morning, Quinn."

They sit at the table.

Quinn asked "Did you have fun last night?"

Daria said "I actually did, even though the highlight is watching Chan make everyone suffer."

Quinn smiles. Same old Daria.

"By the way," said Daria, "I found something in my room."

She pulls the spiked leather bikini out of her pocket.

"I don't wanna know what Lauren was really up to."

Quinn blushes with embarrassment.

"Actually, that's mine."

Daria smirks.

"So, you and Jim do BDSM, huh?"

Quinn looks like she wants to disappear.

 **End Chapter**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Allmart (based on Walmart) takes away all of MacKenzie Automotive's and Feisty IT's business, leaving Mack and Chuck both out of a job. At the same time, Jim has taken on Allmart as a sponsor. Can you say 'betrayal'?


	25. Business Boom

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 25**

 **"Business Boom"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Act I**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, evening

 **Int. Shot:** Allmart

Jim Carbone is walking through the aisles of Allmart (this universe's Walmart). He's trying to find the electronics section.

 **Jim:** (Thought VO) _Dammit! They rearrange everything every other month. No sooner am I familiar with the layout and they change it again._

Jim spots an Allmart employee. This employee is a teenager with long, shaggy black hair wearing skate emo clothes under his blue Allmart smock. Jim approaches him.

 **Jim:** Excuse me. I'm looking for a new memory card for my camcorder. Could you tell me where the electronics section is?

 **Employee:** Duh, you should know.

 **Jim:** (forced patience) I don't. I wouldn't be asking you if I did.

 **Employee:** Whatever, old timer.

 **Jim:** (angry) Old Timer!

 **Employee:** Yeah! (points to a door) It's through there.

 **Jim:** (condescending) Was that so hard?

Jim walks off toward the door.

 **Employee:** (under his breath) Stupid old fart.

Jim walks through the door. Cut to the other side of the door. Jim finds himself in the alley behind the store.

 **Jim:** What the hell!?

He turns to open the door only to discover it only opens from the inside. He let's out a frustrated sigh.

 **Jim:** Damn teenage punk!

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** MacKenzie Automotive, evening

 **Int. Shot:** Mack's Office

Mack is going over the financials for his business. It's been slow since Allmart opened it's own automotive department.

 **Mack:** (thought VO) _The numbers don't lie. Since Allmart opened it's own automotive department I've lost so much business that now I have no choice but to close shop and declare bankruptcy._

He angrily pounds his fist on the desk.

 **Mack:** Damn you, Allmart!

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** Ruttheimer house, night

 **Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Feisty IT founder and manager Charles "Chuck" Ruttheimer is in bed watching the 11:00 news with his wife, WSBC reporter Stacy Ruttheimer (nee Rowe). The story is one that Stacy covered. Cut to the TV and we see an expertly styled and smartly dressed Stacy holding a microphone and standing in an alley. Behind her is a grizzly crime scene surrounded by police tape.

 **Stacy:** (on TV) Witnesses say the killer hacked the victim with a meat cleaver before fleeing the scene. The attacker was wearing a cow costume that concealed his or her identity. Because of this police are already dubbing this person "The Mad Cow Killer". Back to you in the studio.

The TV cuts to the WSBC news studio. Cut back to Chuck and Stacy in bed.

 **Chuck:** That was pretty graphic, yet gripping.

Stacy smiled.

 **Stacy:** Thanks, the news chief thought so too. In fact, I have some great news. Diane, the anchorwoman, is retiring in June. Guess who's getting her job?

Chuck's eyes brightened.

 **Chuck:** You mean...?

 **Stacy:** (excited) Yep, I'm gonna be anchor. I'M GONNA BE ANCHOR!

 **Chuck:** (equally excited) Stacy, that's wonderful!

Cut back to the TV. An Allmart commercial is playing. A kindly old man in an Allmart smock is talking.

 **Old man on TV:** ...and are you tired of over paying for IT maintenance?

This catches Chuck's attention as he runs an IT company.

 **Old man on TV:** I have some good news. Allmart now has it's own IT service providing for all IT needs at rock bottom prices. Available at all locations. Remember, America loves Allmart.

Chuck is horrified. This is exactly the kind of thing that'd put him out of business.

 **Chuck:** NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU BASTARDS!

* * *

 **Scene 2**

 **Music:** "Working Man" by Rush

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** The home office

Jim is going over the financial statements for his and Quinn's YouTube channels, account and Go Fund Me page. He likes what he sees.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Damn, we had one hell of a good first quarter this year. Summer trip in Europe, here we come._

The phone rings. Jim answers.

 **Jim:** Hello...(he suddenly smiles)...You're serious...

Cut to the kitchen. Quinn is at the table having tea with Daria and Tiffany. Daria's looking very healthy and her hair is growing back, though it still looks short and boyish.

 **Quinn:** ...so I told him I didn't want his money. It's not worth his sponsorship dollars if he wants me to pose nude.

 **Daria:** At least you still have your integrity. I'm in a job where I'm paid to do all the work while some pompous celebrity prima donna takes all the credit.

 **Tiffany:** Whaat's aaa primma doonnnnaaa?

Daria tries to explain as best as she can.

 **Daria:** Someone who think's they're a god among insects.

Tiffany scrunches her nose.

 **Tiffany:** Buuugs, ewww!

Quinn immediately moves things back on topic.

 **Quinn:** Tiffany, how's work?

 **Tiffany:** Theyy woon't lett mee woork inn jewwelryy anymoore.

 **Quinn:** How come?

Before Tiffany can answer a visible excited Jim runs in.

 **Jim:** Quinn, I just got off the phone with Allmart's corporate office.

 **Tiffany:** I woork aat Alllmaart.

Jim refuses to be unfazed while Quinn looks embarrassed and Daria looks bemused.

 **Jim:** They wanna sponsor Jim The Car Guy AND S'mores 'n' Pores!

Quinn smiles brightly.

 **Quinn:** Jim, that's wonderful! How much are they offering?

 **Jim:** A thousand bucks per video where we mention them.

 **Tiffany:** Coongraadulaatioons!

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** Jim's man cave

Jim, Kevin, Mack and Chuck are having beer and talking about their current work situations.

 **Chuck:** ...so now Allmart has their own IT service. I can't compete with that.

 **Mack:** At least you're not going under yet.

 **Chuck:** More than half of my clients have already deserted me for Allmart!

Jim reassures him.

 **Jim:** Relax, Chuck. You're still mine and Quinn's IT man. That'll never change.

 **Chuck:** Thanks, Jim.

 **Mack:** Look at this.

He takes a magazine add for Allmart's automotive department out of his pocket and shows it to the guys.

 **Mack:** Look what they're charging for an oil change.

Kevin's eyes go wide.

 **Kevin:** Dude! Ten bucks for an oil change! The last one I got at your place cost me thirty!

Mack rolls his eyes.

 **Mack:** That's my point, Kevin.

 **Kevin:** Dude, you ripped me off!

 **Mack:** No, I didn't! Thirty bucks is the lowest I can charge and still cover my operating costs. That's what places like Allmart do. They come in and totally destroy guys like me and Chuck.

Jim now has a guilty expression on his face.

 **Chuck:** Enough about us. How are you guys doing?

 **Jim:** (nervous) Same old same old.

 **Kevin:** I got another birthday gig next weekend. Pays so well I can actually help Brit with the bills next month.

Chuck and Mack ignore Kevin and eye Jim with suspicion.

 **Chuck:** What do you mean 'same old same old'?

 **Mack:** Yeah, Jim. What gives?

Jim sighed.

 **Jim:** I signed an endorsement deal with Allmart. They're mine and Quinn's newest sponsor.

Mack and Chuck both look at Jim as if he just stabbed them in the gut.

 **Chuck:** Jim!?

 **Mack:** How could you?

Jim gets defensive.

 **Jim:** You have to understand my position. Allmart pays a thousand bucks each time Quinn or I mention them in our videos.

Mack and Chuck now become VERY angry with Jim.

 **Mack:** So, you're betraying us for a thousand bucks! Judas!

 **Chuck:** Selling yourself like a street whore.

Jim now feels incredibly guilty.

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, day

 **Int. Shot:** Allmart

Quinn and Jim are at the entrance with their triplet sons, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Jim is holding an empty propane tank.

 **Quinn:** I'll be in the grocery aisle if you need me. Come on, boys.

 **Teddy:** Actually, can I wait in the book section?

Quinn, knowing Teddy's interest in books and that he won't wonder off, sees no problem with this.

 **Quinn:** Alright, Teddy, but don't go anywhere else. Come on, Tommy and Timmy.

 **Timmy:** Mom, can I go with Dad to the gas and electric section.

Quinn looks at her husband.

 **Jim:** It's alright with me.

 **Quinn:** Okay, Timmy, but stay with your father at all times.

 **Timmy:** Thanks, Mom.

Teddy makes his way to the books while Tommy accompanies Quinn to groceries and Timmy accompanies Jim to gas and electric. Cut to a short time later as Jim places the container on the counter at gas and electric. A familiar sales lady approaches.

 **Tiffany:** Caan Iiii hellp yoouu?

 **Timmy:** Hi, Miss Blum-Deckler.

Tiffany smiled at the boy.

 **Tiffany:** Heeyyy, Tiimmmyyyy.

Jim is visibly surprised.

 **Jim:** Tiffany!? I thought you worked in cosmetics!?

 **Tiffany:** I waass traansferrrreeeddd.

 **Jim:** You work in gas and electric now!?

 **Tiffany:** I'mmm thee maanaagerrr.

Jim's eyes go wide.

 **Jim:** You've gotta be kidding me!

 **Tiffany:** Nooo, I maanaage gasss annd eeeleecctriicc.

Jim shows Tiffany the empty propane tank.

 **Jim:** We're just here to get this tank refilled.

Tiffany looks at the label before turning to Jim.

 **Tiffany:** Whaat's proopaaaneeee?

Jim rolls his eyes.

 **Jim:** You don't know what propane is?

 **Tiffany:** Noooo. Isss iiit preettttyyyy?

 **Jim:** God help me.

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Ext. Shot:** Ruttheimer house, evening

 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Chuck is going over his financials. His expression is grim.

 **Chuck:** (thought VO) _It's over. Unless I want my credit rating shot to hell I have no choice but to close up shop. Feisty IT is no more. I'm a failure. A FAILURE!_

At this point, Stacy enters the room.

 **Stacy:** Honey, are you alright? You look really down.

Shamefaced, Chuck faces his wife.

 **Chuck:** Stacy, Feisty IT has lost all of it's customers to Allmart.

Stacy gasped.

 **Stacy:** Honey, I'm so sorry. What are you gonna do?

Chuck sighed.

 **Chuck:** I have no choice but to find another job. Feisty IT only has enough revenue to cover it's outstanding debts. I'm out of business.

Stacy has a guilty expression on her face, which Chuck notices.

 **Chuck:** Where were you?

 **Stacy:** Shoe shopping with the kids.

 **Chuck:** Where?

Stacy takes a deep breath.

 **Stacy:** Allmart.

Chuck looks like he could explode at any moment.

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, night

 **Music:** "Vengeful One" by Disturbed

Chuck angrily brings his car to a screeching halt in front of the store. He gets out of the driver's side and opens the passenger door so hard we think it might fly off it's hinges. He takes out a package of batteries. He opens the package and starts throwing batteries at the lit Allmart sign in a fit of rage.

 **Chuck:** YOU GODDAMN, MOTHERF#$, C%$#SUCKING BASTARDS! YOU'VE F %&ING RUINED ME!

He hurls a handful of batteries at the sign.

 **Chuck:** YOU STOLE MY LIVELIHOOD! HERE, TAKE 'EM!

He throws two more handfuls of batteries at the sign.

 **Chuck:** TAKE 'EM BACK! TAKE ALL OF 'EM! I DON'T WANT 'EM! GODDAMN YOU, ALLMART! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!

He continues to throw batteries as he screams and rants.

 **Chuck:** TAKE 'EM BACK! I DON'T WANT YOUR UNDERPRICED, USELESS BATTERIES, YOU MOTHERF%#&ERS!

He calms down as he thought he'd be out of batteries to throw by now. He looks at the package. He hasn't even thrown half of them yet.

 **Chuck:** Damn, you really do get a lot of batteries for $5.99 at Allmart!

 **End Act I.**

* * *

 **Act II**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Lewis Elementary School, day

The first and fourth graders are at recess. Tommy and Timmy are playing tetherball with Q and Kevin Jr.

 **Kevin Jr.:** I got a new video game. Dad got it for me at Allmart.

 **Tommy:** You mean Mr. Thompson?

 **Kevin Jr. :** Yeah, my Dad.

Q gives Kevin Jr. a hostle look as her parents are Chuck and Stacy, and things have been tense at home since Feisty IT went out of business.

 **Tommy:** Heads up!

Q turns her head around just in time to get smacked in the face by the ball. Tommy blushes.

 **Tommy:** Sorry.

Timmy helps Q up.

 **Timmy:** You okay, Q?

 **Q:** No.

 **Tommy:** Come on, the ball didn't hit you that hard.

Q is visibly trying not to cry.

 **Q:** That's not it.

At this point Q's older brother, fourth grader Chucky Ruttheimer, walks by. His face is expressionless as usual.

 **Chucky:** (snarky monotone) Our Dad lost his job.

Chucky walks on while the others look awkward.

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** An office building, day

 **Int. Shot:** The personnel office

Chuck Ruttheimer is interviewing for a position at an IT company. The hiring manager, a balding man in his fifties, looks very unimpressed.

 **Hiring manager:** So, your only prior employment was Feisty IT?

 **Chuck:** That's what makes me perfect for this. I have almost two decades of experience in this field. I started Feisty IT when I was still in high school.

The hiring manager shakes his head dismissively.

 **Hiring manager:** And ran it into the ground.

Chuck gets defensive.

 **Chuck:** That's not my fault. Allmart's IT service put me out of business.

 **Hiring manager:** I have to level with you. We want someone experienced.

 **Chuck:** But I AM experienced.

 **Hiring manager:** Running your own business doesn't count. You may as well have been unemployed all of that time.

 **Chuck:** But...but...

 **Hiring manager:** Why don't you try fast food? Or, since Allmart's electronics department does IT service now, apply there. You don't need a resume for that.

Chuck is now visibly fighting the urge to strangle this guy.

* * *

 **Scene 2**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** The home office

Quinn sits at her desk and dials a number on her phone. Someone picks up on the other end. Split screen to reveal Chuck on the other end.

 **Chuck:** Hello?

 **Quinn:** Hey, Chuck. It's Quinn. Listen, I was wondering if...

Chuck angrily hangs up the phone. End split screen.

 **Quinn:** What the hell!? Hello?

She gives up and puts the phone back on the receiver. Jim comes into the office. Quinn sees him.

 **Quinn:** Done shooting your latest video, hon?

 **Jim:** Yeah. Who was on the phone?

 **Quinn:** I just tried to call Chuck. I was gonna offer him a job as our full time IT manager.

 **Jim:** And?

 **Quinn:** He hung up on me before I could even make the offer.

Jim sits down. He's not the least bit surprised.

 **Jim:** He's still pissed that we took Allmart on as a sponsor. Mack refuses to go anywhere near me now.

 **Quinn:** Why are they being so childish about this?

 **Jim:** Quinn, we took money to endorse the very company that put them out of business. Of course they feel betrayed.

Quinn looks guilty as she sees Jim's point.

 **Quinn:** Even Stacy wants nothing to do with me now. I wish they'd get over it.

 **Jim:** Easy for you to say. You only lost Stacy over this. You still have Sandi, Ming, Brittany, Lindy and Tiffany. The only friend I haven't lost over this is Kevin. You try having an intelligent conversation with that buffoon.

Quinn looks thoughtful.

 **Quinn:** Maybe we should call Allmart and cancel the deal.

Jim shakes his head.

 **Jim:** Quinn, their money's as good as anyone else's.

 **Quinn:** Is it worth losing our closest friends over? We're profiting from the suffering of others.

 **Jim:** That makes us no different from every productive member of society.

 **Quinn:** True, but these aren't faceless numbers in a third world sweatshop. These are our closest friends.

Jim plays devil's advocate.

 **Jim:** Quinn, a thousand bucks per name drop.

 **Quinn:** We get that much from other sponsors who aren't hurting people we care about. It's not exactly gonna lower our standard of living to tell Allmart the deal's off.

Jim looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, day

 **Int. Shot:** The electronics department

Chuck approaches the area with a filled out job application and resume in hand. Desperation has driven him to apply at Allmart. He walks up to the sales counter. Standing behind the counter in an Allmart smock is Kevin and Brittany's eldest son, 17 year old Ultra.

 **Chuck:** Excuse me.

Ultra recognizes him.

 **Ultra:** Oh, Hey, Mr. Ruttheimer.

 **Chuck:** I didn't know you worked here.

 **Ultra:** Just during the off season. Being QB's boring when there's no one playing football. Can I, like, help you?

Chuck took a deep breath before speaking.

 **Chuck:** I'm here to interview for an IT position. Can I speak to your manager?

 **Ultra:** You are.

Ultra points to his name tag. It says 'Manager: Electronics'. Cut to a shocked Chuck.

 **Chuck:** How old are you? You're a manager after only four months.

 **Ultra:** They promoted me when they found out I'm the QB at Lawndale High and my Mom's the cheerleading coach. Pretty cool, huh?

Chuck rolls his eyes.

 **Chuck:** I weep for the future.

Cut to later. Chuck got the job and is putting on a smock. He attaches a name tag when Ultra approaches.

 **Ultra:** Here.

He hands Chuck a second tag. This tag is yellow and says 'TRAINEE' in big red letters.

 **Ultra:** You gotta wear that at all times.

Chuck is visibly offended.

 **Chuck:** I ran an IT business for nineteen years. I've worked in electronics since before you were born.

Ultra shrugged.

 **Ultra:** Sorry, Mr. R. It's, like, store policy.

Chuck let out a frustrated sigh.

 **Chuck:** How long do I have to wear this damn thing?

 **Ultra:** At least a year, then I get to, like, decide whether or not to promote you.

Chuck is highly offended by this.

 **Chuck:** But you're a manager and you've only been here four months!

 **Ultra:** 'Cause I'm the QB.

Chuck puts the trainee tag on and sighs.

 **Chuck:** (thought VO) _It's high school all over again!_

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, day

 **Music:** "Head Like A Hole" by Nine Inch Nails

 _Bow down before the one you serve_

 _You're going to get what you deserve_

 **Int. Shot:** The front entrance

Chuck is at the door greeting customers. He inflates a balloon and gives it to an elderly man with a cane.

 **Chuck:** Welcome to Allmart.

The old man pops the balloon with his cane.

 **Old man:** Get a real job, you overgrown kid.

The old man continues on his way while Chuck feels totally humiliated. A guy with light brown hair and a beard approaches. This guy is in his late thirties and wearing an Allmart smock with a trainee tag.

 **Guy:** Don't let it get ya down, man. In a few years you won't even miss respect.

Chuck recognizes him.

 **Chuck:** Oh my god! You're...

The guy extends his hand.

 **John:** John Moyer, formerly of Moyer's sporting goods.

Chuck shakes his hand.

 **Chuck:** Charles Ruttheimer the third, but everyone calls me Chuck, formerly of Feisty IT. What are you doing here?

 **John:** This place put Moyer's out of business, so I've spent the last five years feeding the beast that killed me.

Chuck notices the trainee tag.

 **Chuck:** You're still a trainee!?

 **John:** Only high school kids ever get promoted, and they abuse the hell out of it. My manager is a 17 year old punk who never calls me anything more respectful than 'Senile Old Fart', and I'm only 37.

Now, Chuck looks especially grim.

 **John:** Say, do you know a Micheal MacKenzie? Goes by Mack.

 **Chuck:** He's a friend of mine.

Cut to later. Chuck and John are in the automotive department talking with Mack.

 **Mack:** ...so now I'm taking abuse from a bunch of over privilaged teenagers. I ran my own business and now I have to take orders from some punk kid who doesn't know the first thing about cars.

 **Chuck:** I miss making six figures at a job where I can set my own hours.

 **John:** You know, before Allmart came along I was doing so well that Moyer's was even giving the biggest chains in the country a run for there money. When it came to sporting goods Lawndale was my town. The only competition was a national chain whose nearest location was Oakwood. Then this place came along and just took it away.

 **Mack:** I hear that.

 **Chuck:** The only place that still has a main street is Disney World. Good luck getting an issue of Playboy there.

At this point the automotive manager, a Mexican-American seventeen year old, approaches.

 **Manager:** Hey, Mack, why are you wasting time with the other fossils? I told you to clean the restroom.

Mack shoots his underage boss a mean look. The manager notices that none of the thrity-somethings are wearing trainee badges.

 **Manager:** Why aren't you geezers wearing your trainee badges?

 **Mack:** Come on, I have a business degree from Vance and more than a decade of experience.

 **John:** And I ran my own sporting goods store.

 **Chuck:** Kid, I've been running an IT business longer than you've been alive. I shouldn't have to take this abuse.

 **John:** We aren't wearing trainee badges anymore. It's not right.

The teenage manager gives them a smug grin.

 **Manager:** Okay, then I'll just fire your old, washed up asses.

The grown men let out a defeated sigh and put their trainee tags back on. The teenager grins at having shown the 'stupid old geezzers' who's boss.

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Music:** "Fight The Power" by Public Enemy

 **Int. Shot:** The home office

Quinn is doing some paperwork while Jim is on the phone with Allmart's corporate headquarters.

 **Jim:** Look, my decision's final, our deal's off...(he becomes angry)...Don't you dare threaten me, asshole...EXCUSE ME!?...You just insulted my mother and my wife in one sentence, so hell yeah I'm pissed...Please do, I dare you. I f#$' triple dog dare you, asshole!

With that, Jim angrily hangs up.

 **Quinn:** I guess Allmart didn't take the news well.

 **Jim:** Is that ever an understatement. They called me a son of a...well, I probably shouldn't say. They called you something I'm NOT repeating and threatened a law suit.

The doorbell rings.

 **Quinn:** I'll get it.

She gets up and answers the door. It's Trent, Jessie, Nick and Max. The old band's been back together for a while and have long since changed the name from Mystik Spiral to Mystik Explosion.

 **Trent:** Hey, Quinn. We've got an upcoming gig here in Lawndale.

Quinn gives them a curious look.

 **Trent:** We need a place to crash while we're in town.

 **Quinn:** Guys, I'd like to help, but we don't have any room. My sister's staying with us while she recovers from her cancer treatment.

 **Trent:** Cool.

 **Quinn:** Where are you guys playing?

 **Jessie:** Allmart.

 **Nick:** They're paying us a ton of money.

Quinn frowns.

 **End Act II**

* * *

 **Act III**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Trent and his bandmates are sitting at the table catching up with Daria.

 **Trent:** You look good, Daria.

Twenty years ago that would've made her blush, but she's long over her old crush on Trent now.

 **Daria:** Thanks. As I was saying, Jim took sponsorship money from Allmart right as they drove both Mack and Chuck out of business. Now, Jim's calling off the deal out of guilt.

 **Max:** Way to go, Jim! He finally stuck it to the man.

 **Daria:** The same man you guys are playing a gig for.

Max takes offense.

 **Max:** Hey! Are you calling us sellouts?

 **Daria:** After you implied that my sister and her husband are sellouts.

 **Max:** That's differen't. We're the Explosion. We're criminalees! We don't bow to the man!

Daria rolls her eyes at the hypocrisy.

* * *

 **Scene 2**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, day

 **Music:** "The Middle" by Zedd, Maren Morris and Grey

 **Int. Shot:** Employee lounge

Mack is eating a sandwich on his lunchbreak when two other employees enter. These two are attractive teenage girls. One a readhead, the other a blond. They sit down in front of him.

 **Blond:** (to readhead) Tell him.

 **Readhead:** You work with Miguel in automotive, right?

Mack puts down his sandwich and sighs.

 **Mack:** I work in automotive while Miguel sits on his ass playing video games with Ultra in electronics.

The readhead girl looks nervous.

 **Readhead:** Well...um...You see...uh...

The blonde picks up the slack.

 **Blonde:** My friend's totally crushing on Miguel and wants you to find out it he likes her.

The readhead says nothing but gasps in embarrassment. Mack gives her a sympathetic look.

 **Mack:** If you want, I can find out if he likes you. What's your name?

The readhead blushes as she's now too embarrassed to speak. The blonde decides to tease her and Mack.

 **Blonde:** (to readhead) I think this old guy has a crush on you.

 **Readhead:** OMG, that's so bad!

Both girls break down in a giggling fit. Mack sighs and gets up with his half eaten sandwich.

 **Mack:** You'll have to excuse me. I'm gonna try to find the grown ups break room.

The two girls continue their giggling fit as Mack leaves. Cut to the electronic's department. A beautiful 16 year old brunette approaches the counter while Chuck is there.

 **Chuck:** Can I help you?

Before the girl can answer Ultra spots her. He immediately runs up and shoves Chuck aside.

 **Ultra:** Like, I can help you. I'm a manager...and the QB.

The girl is visibly impressed. Ultra hands Chuck a broom.

 **Ultra:** Could you, like, sweep the storage room or something?

Chuck is clearly put off while the girl is visibly turned on by Ultra's display of authority. Cut to a short time later and Ultra is making out with this girl while Chuck sweeps the floor. Pan over to reveal a girl in a Lawndale High cheerleader uniform. She coldly eyes Ultra and this girl.

 **Cheerleader:** (thought VO) _Lauren is gonna be SOOOOOO pissed!_

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, the next day

 **Music:** "God Is A Woman" by Ariana Grande

 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Sixteen year old Lauren D'Angelo, head cheerleader and Ultra's girlfriend, is seated at the table venting about Ultra's latest infidelity while Quinn listens patiently.

 **Lauren:** I can't believe Ultra made out with a customer behind my back yesterday!

 **Quinn:** (sympathetic) I know how you feel, Lauren. I'd be devastated if something like that happened to me.

At this point, Jim comes in.

 **Jim:** What's going on?

 **Quinn:** Ultra and Lauren are having problems.

 **Lauren:** My friend, Beth, caught him making out with another girl at work yesterday. I went to his place to give him a piece of my mind and he's not there. Since you and Mrs. Carbone have always been so nice to me I figured I'd come here and vent for a while.

Jim rolls his eyes. He has now interest in listing to high school drama but over the past few months he and Quinn have become like the cool aunt and uncle to Lauren. With a resigned sigh he joins them at the table and listens to the voluptuous teenage brunette rant about what a jerk her boyfriend is.

 **Lauren:** I don't care if he is the quarterback, you just don't take your girlfriend for granted. Especially if she's the head cheerleader. First, he makes out with Lindsey Martinez. Then he gets it on with some nobody slut behind my back, then he gives me herpes. Now, he's cheating on me at work.

She takes a deep breath before continuing to vent.

 **Quinn:** Lauren, you don't have to take this.

 **Lauren:** I should've broken up with him after I find out he slept with a herp slut without a condom. I only didn't because now that he's given me herpes who else would want me.

 **Jim:** Yeah, that is a lousy situation. Especially not being able to walk away because of an STD.

Quinn shoots her husband a hostile look for the thoughtless remark.

 **Lauren:** I don't deserve this, being stuck with a two-timer who gave me herpes. I mean, okay, there was that time I dated Steve to get back at him for Lindsey. Also, there was that time I made out with Mark Stanton at a keg party. There was also that time I slept with Mike Coleman when Ultra was out of town, but still! I don't deserve a guy like Ultra. Making out with another girl in front of everyone! This is even worse than that time he promised to take me to a Justin Bieber concert and flaked out on me at the last possible second.

Jim rolls his eyes.

 **Jim:** Is it really necessary to rehash your whole history with us?

Quinn stares daggers at Jim.

 **Quinn:** JIM!

 **Lauren:** It's okay, Mrs. Carbone. A hot brunette talks about sex in front of him and his wife of course he's gonna feel awkward.

Now, it's Lauren catching a death stare from Quinn while Jim looks VERY uncomfortable. Lauren notices this and realizes she's said too much.

 **Lauren:** (sheepish) Sorry.

Quinn calms down.

 **Quinn:** It's okay, Lauren. You don't have to stay in a bad relationship just because he gave you herpes.

 **Lauren:** Who'll want me now?

Neither Quinn nor Jim know the answer to that one. Realizing this makes Lauren angry again, but at Ultra.

 **Lauren:** Screw it! I'd rather be alone than put up with this. At that show on Saturday I'm gonna tell Ultra it's over.

 **Jim:** Why then?

Lauren grins wickedly.

 **Lauren:** Because I don't just want Ultra dumped, I want him humiliated.

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, Saturday, April 13, 2019

A huge stage has been erected in the parking lot for Mystik Explosion's show. A huge audience has gathered. Cut to the audience and we see Quinn, Jim, Timmy, Tommy, Teddy, Stacy, Sandi, Daria and Jane. Cut to Daria and Jane.

 **Daria:** Thanks for coming down from New York for this.

 **Jane:** No problem, amiga. I'm not missing the gig where my brother finally gets his band off the ground.

 **Daria:** (deadpan) And it only took them 27 years.

 **Jane:** Better late than never, and never was the more likely scenario.

Cut to Quinn, Jim and the boys.

 **Jim:** I'm gonna go inside, see if I can patch things up with Chuck and Mack.

 **Quinn:** Don't take too long, honey.

 **Jim:** I won't.

They kiss and Jim heads inside. He looks one more time at his wife and kids before continuing.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Why do I have this weird feeling that I'm never gonna see them again?_

 **Int. Shot:** Allmart gas and electric department

Tiffany drags a propane tank by the valve stem. Close up shows her accidentally opening the valve as she does. She places the tank on a shelf with the others. As Tiffany walks away zoom in on the tanks. Several have open valves and the hiss of gas spewing out can be heard. No one appears to have noticed. Cut to automotive. Mack is alone at the counter when Jim approaches. Mack gives Jim a dirty look.

 **Mack:** What do you want, traitor?

Jim sighs.

 **Jim:** I came to apologize. If I'd known what this place was doing to you and Chuck I never would've taken their money. I'm sorry.

 **Mack:** Jim, I've lost my livelihood, I take abuse from punk supervisors who have no respect for anyone and you think sorry will make it better!?

 **Jim:** I know. That's why after a long talk with Quinn I called corporate and told them the deal's off.

Mack softens when he hears that.

 **Mack:** You...You walked away from a lucurative sponsorship for me and Chuck!?

 **Jim:** Mack, you and Chuck are two of my closest friends. I was wrong to turn my back on that in pursuit of easy money. Besides, Quinn and I were doing just fine without the deal. We finally decided that since we can afford to be principled we should be.

Smiling warmly, Mack extends a hand to Jim.

 **Mack:** Apology accepted. Welcome back, Jim.

They shake hand's.

 **Jim:** Thanks, Mack.

Jim turns to leave.

 **Jim:** I'm heading to electronics to patch things up with Chuck. Later.

 **Mack:** See you around, Jim.

Cut to the gas and electric department. Tiffany is touching up her makeup and oblivious to the hissing of the leaky propane tanks behind her.

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Int. Shot:** Allmart, the electronics department

Jim has just made his apology to Chuck. They're shaking hands.

 **Jim:** Sorry I took their money.

 **Chuck:** Sorry I was such a prick about it.

Just then, they both see something out of the corner of their eye. Pan over to reveal Lauren and Ultra arguing.

 **Ultra:** But babe, I didn't do anything!

 **Lauren:** Don't lie to me! Beth saw you making out with that...that...SKANK!

 **Ultra:** Babe, come on. It's not like we were doing it.

 **Lauren:** You might as well have, not like you really care.

 **Ultra:** But, Lauren, I love you.

 **Lauren:** BULLSHIT! If you really loved me you wouldn't do this to me. IT'S OVER!

Lauren is about to hit him when Jim and Chuck intervene. Jim pulls Lauren back while Chuck gets between her and Ultra.

 **Jim:** Calm down, Lauren.

 **Chuck:** Waht's going on?

 **Ultra:** Chuck, tell her I didn't make out with that hot chick the other day.

 **Chuck:** But you did. I saw it happen right in front of me.

Lauren tries to charge at Ultra while Jim restrains her. Ultra gets angry at Chuck.

 **Ultra:** Hey! You can't rat me out like that! You're fired!

Chuck angrily tears off both his name tag and trainee badge. He throws them down on the floor.

 **Chuck:** You can't fire me. I QUIT!

Just then, Jim hears something.

 **Jim:** What's that hissing sound?

Cut to the gas and electric department. Tiffany has just finished touching up her makeup. Her stomach growls.

 **Tiffany:** I"m hunngry, buut I doon't waannt toooo get faaat.

Disregarding the no smoking sign, Tiffany reaches under the counter and grabs her purse. She gets out a pack of cigarettes as the leaky tanks continue to hiss. Cut back to electronics. Jim and Chuck are still trying to mediate Lauren and Ultra's break up. Lauren stops struggling.

 **Lauren:** I hear that hissing sound too.

Chuck sniffs the air.

 **Chuck:** Why does it smell like someone's about to have a cookout in the store?

Jim tries to pinpoint the source of both the hissing and the odor. His eyes go wide as he realizes it's coming from the gas and electric department. Cut to the gas and electric department. Tiffany puts a cigarette in her mouth. Cut back and forth between her and Jim.

 **Jim:** OH...

Tiffany retrieves a lighter.

 **Jim:** MY...

Tiffany holds the lighter up to her cigarette.

 **Jim:** ...GOD!

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart, a few seconds earlier

Trent and his band are now on stage. Trent walks up to microphone.

 **Trent:** We're Mystik Explosion. Are you ready to...

 **BOOOOMMMMM!**

 **Music:** "Sauron's Theme" from Lord Of The Rings

The whole building explodes. The massive explosion has such force that it sends the concert goers flying backwards. Jets of flame and fiery debris maim and kill scores of people. When flam jets his the parked cars it sets off even more explosions. the force of the blast causes the stage to completely collapse in on itself, crushing Trent and his bandmates in the process. Those not killed or injured look in horror. Cut to a horrified Quinn.

 **Quinn:** JIM!

Cut to an equally horrified Tommy, Timmy and Teddy.

 **All three boys:** DAD!

Cut to a horrified Stacy.

 **Stacy:** CHUCK!

Cut to a horrified Sandi.

 **Sandi:** TIFFANY!

Cut to a horrified Daria and Jane.

 **Daria and Jane:** TRENT!

 **End Credits.**

As the credits rool we're treated to a montage of the disaster. First, an image of a fireball racing skyward. This leads to an image of fire trucks and ambulences converging on the scene. Next, an image of several maimed concert goers being treated by paramedics. This is followed by an image of the mangled corpses of other concert goers being placed in body bags. Next, a still of Stacy on her knees crying. After this we see a still of Sandi looking at the carnage in wide eyed, open mouthed shock. Next still is Timmy, Tommy and Teddy huddled around Quinn as she tries to soothe and protect them while all of them cry. Final image is...

 **In Memorium**

 **Trent Lane**

 **Jessie Moreno**

 **Michael MacKenzie**

 **Nicholas Campbell**

 **Max Tyler**

 **Charles Ruttheimer the third**

 **James Carbone**

 **Tiffany Blum-Deckler**

 **Ultra Thompson**

 **Lauren D'Angelo**

 **Tiffany's cluelessness has killed them all.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

The survivors deal with the aftermath.


	26. Business Boom, The Aftermath

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 26**

 **"Business Boom, The Aftermath"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Act I**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Philadelphia Skyline, day

 **Int. Shot:** Tom Sloane's executive suite at Grace, Sloan and Paige

Tom is seated at his desk doing some work despite the fact that it's Saturday. He hears a distant sound of thunder.

 **Tom:** (thought VO) _Strange! The forcast was for clear, pleasant weather today._

Something out of the corner of his eye catches his attention. He stands up and looks out his window. Cut to his POV and we see a commanding view of the Philadelphia skyline. We can even see across the Delaware River into New Jersey. Out in New Jersey is a distant plume of black smoke. Cut back to third person. Tom stares in wide eyed shock.

 **Tom:** (thought VO) _That pillar of smoke's coming from Lawndale!_

Frantic, Tom picks up the office phone and calls his wife, who's at home in Lawndale.

 **Tom:** Tori, it's Tom. What happend!? I can see the smoke all the way from here.

He listens. His jaw drops.

 **Tom:** There was an explosion at Allmart!?

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** Allmart (what's left of it, anyway)

The scene is chaotic. Fire fighters have successfully put out the blaze and are now combing the wreckage for survivors. Cut to Quinn frantically talking to one of the firemen.

 **Quinn:** (panicked) Please, my husband was in there! YOU HAVE TO FIND HIM!

 **Firefighter:** We're going as fast as we can, ma'am.

Cut to the collapsed stage. Firefighters and police are digging through the wreckage. Suddenly, one of them looks up.

 **Firefighter:** I'VE FOUND THEM!

The band are pulled out of the rubble. Trent and Jessie are both alive, but look really roughed up. Trent even has a gash across his forehead.

 **Jessie:** Whoa, dude!

Trent said nothing but looks haunted. Cut behind him and we see why. Max has a rafter skewered right through his heart and Nick's body is literally torn in two, his guts spilling out. They're both dead. Cut back to the store. A firefighter emerges with two people holding on to him.

 **Firefighter:** I'VE FOUND TWO SURVIVORS!

Close up shows them to be Chuck and Ultra. They're holding onto the fireman bacause they each seem to have the use of only one leg. The firefighter lays them each on a stretcher as paramedics look them over. Chuck has a jagged piece of debris piercing his right foot. Stacy runs up to them.

 **Stacy:** CHUCK! THANK GOD!

She runs up to her husband and hugs him.

 **Chuck:** AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stacy releases him.

 **Stacy:** Baby, what's wrong?

 **Paramedic:** Your husbands injuries are a pierced right foot and broken ribs.

Chuck says nothing but winces in pain. Ultra, meanwhile, has a bruised and swollen right forearm. A paramedic rolls up his pants. Ultra's left shin immediately swells and bruises form. He has both a broken arm and a broken leg.

 **Ultra:** (weakly) L...Lauren...wh...where's Lauren?

Cut to another area of the building. A voice comes from behind some rubble.

 **Firefighter:** (VO from wreckage) I'VE FOUND ANOTHER LIVE ONE!

He emerges from the destroyed building. The survivor with him is Mack. Mack has a lot of cuts and bruises, but is otherwise fine.

 **Mack:** Thanks. Did anyone else make it?

 **Firefighter:** We're still searching.

Stacy, having seen Mack, runs up to him.

 **Stacy:** Chuck made it. He has broken ribs and a pierced foot, but he's gonna be okay.

 **Mack:** What about Jim and Tiffany? They were both in there when it happened.

Stacy gasped. Cut to another section. Quinn, her boys, and Sandi are nervously awaiting news. A firefighter emerges from behind a section of wall that's still standing.

 **Firefighter:** I FOUND TWO MORE SURVIVORS!

From behind the wall emerge Jim and Lauren. They have a few minor cuts and bruises but otherwise appear to be fine, at least physically. While Jim appears to be calm and collected, Lauren is shaking so violently that Jim has to hold her up and help her walk. Her face is frozen in an expression of pure terror. Jim turns to the firefighter.

 **Jim:** Get this young lady to a paramedic. She's in shock.

While the firefighter escorts the traumatized Lauren to the EMT's Quinn and the boys run up to Jim.

 **Tommy, Timmy and Teddy:** DAD!

They all hug him.

 **Jim:** It's alright, boys. I'm okay.

The boys let go and Quinn hugs him. She cries tears of relief on him.

 **Quinn:** JIM, THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE! I... _sniff_...I was so scared I'd lost you!

 **Jim:** It's alright, Quinn. It's gonna be alright.

* * *

 **Scene 2**

Cut to some time later. Quinn, Sandi and Stacy nervously await any news about Tiffany. A firefighter emerges holding a charred purse. He sees the three and approaches them.

 **Firefighter:** Excuse me, but do any of you ladies recognize this purse.

All three gasp in horror.

 **Sandi:** Th...That's Tiffany's purse!

The firefighter now looks very grim.

 **Firefighter:** The contents survived intact. It belonged to the gas and electric department manager, a Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

A frightened Stacy holds back tears.

 **Stacy:** a...and?

 **Firefighter:** We found the purse at the center of the blast. We've been finding charred remains scattered nearby. I'm sorry, but they appear to be all that's left of Miss Blum-Deckler. Once again, I'm sorry.

Tears begin to stream down Stacy's face.

 **Stacy:** No! NO!

She collapses on her knees and cries uncontrollably while Quinn and Sandi stare in utter shock and disbelief.

 **Sandi:** T...Tiffany!

 **Quinn:** Dead!

They begin to cry as well as a horrific truth sets in, Tiffany is dead.

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Ext. Shot:** Cedars Of Lawndale, day

 **Int. Shot:** A waiting room

Kevin, Brittany and Lauren are waiting for an update on Ultra's condition. Ultra is suddenly brought out by nurses. He's in a wheelchair while his right arm is in a sling and his left leg is in a cast. His parents and girlfriend run up to him.

 **Brittany:** MY BABY!

She runs up to Ultra and hugs him. He's visibly embarrassed.

 **Ultra:** Aww, Mom! I'm okay.

 **Kevin:** You sure, champ?

The nurse turns to Kevin.

 **Nurse:** Your son's lucky. His only injuries are a broken arm and a broken leg. (She spots Lauren.) And you are...?

 **Lauren:** His girlfirend. I was in the blast, too.

Ultra looks puzzled.

 **Ultra:** Weren't you breaking up with me when it happened?

Lauren runs up to Ultra and hugs him.

 **Lauren:** I was just upset. When I think about how we almost died...(she shakes and a stray tear runs down her cheek) ...I can't think about that. I just wanna help take care of you now.

 **Kevin:** Come on, let's go home.

 **Lauren:** I'll meet you guys there. I need to do something here first.

 **Brittany:** What?

 **Lauren:** I wanna make sure Mr. Carbone's okay.

 **Ultra:** Why?

 **Lauren:** Because if he didn't pull me into cover with him I'd be dead or mangled right now. He saved my life.

Cut to a nearby waiting area, a short time later. While Jim is being checked out by the doctor Quinn and the boys are waiting. Quinn is visibly conflicted, torn between being relieved that her husband's alright and saddened that Tiffany's dead. Lauren approaches them.

 **Lauren:** Hi, Mrs. Carbone. Hi, boys.

Quinn looks up.

 **Quinn:** Lauren, what brings you here?

 **Lauren:** I didn't get a chance to thank your husband earlier.

 **Quinn:** For?

 **Lauren:** Saving my life.

At this point, Jim comes out of the examination room. Quinn and the boys immediately rush toward him and hold him in a group hug.

 **Quinn:** Well?

 **Jim:** I'm fine. A few cuts and bruises, but otherwise fine.

 **Quinn:** Are you sure?

Jim rolls his eyes.

 **Jim:** Ask the doctor if you don't believe me.

 **Quinn:** Okay, physically, you're fine. Are you sure you're okay otherwise?

Jim suddenly wants to change the subject. Seeing Lauren gives him the perfect opportunity.

 **Jim:** Lauren!? What are you doing here?

 **Lauren:** Mr. Carbone, if you hadn't pulled me into cover when you did I don't know how I'd be right now. You saved my life. Thank you.

The boys look at their father in awe.

 **Tommy:** Dad, really!?

 **Timmy:** You're a hero!?

 **Jim:** No, I just did what any decent person would've done. I knew what was about to happen so I ducked for cover and pulled the nearest person into cover with me. Lauren just happened to be that person.

 **Lauren:** You still saved my life.

She walks up to Jim and kisses him on the cheek.

 **Lauren:** Thank you.

 **Quinn:** Jim, are you sure there isn't anything you need to talk about? I mean, you almost died.

Jim clearly does not want to talk about this as he feels it would be unmanly to admit being traumatized.

 **Jim:** Well, that's the thing about dying, either you do or you don't. I didn't.

Quinn decides not to press the issue. She turns to Lauren.

 **Quinn:** How are your parents holding up?

 **Lauren:** They're out of town on business and my brother's spending the weekend with my grandparents. They don't know about any of this. In fact, could you guys give me a ride and drop me off at the Thompson's? I don't wanna be alone after what happened.

 **Quinn:** Of course.

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, night

 **Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Jim and Quinn are both asleep. While Quinn sleeps peacefully Jim is tossing and turning in his sleep. Cut to his dream.

* * *

 **Int. Shot:** Allmart, just before the explosion.

Jim and Chuck are trying to mediate the argument between Lauren and Ultra when...

 **Jim:** What's that hissing sound?

Lauren stops struggling.

 **Lauren:** I hear that hissing sound too.

Chuck sniffs the air.

 **Chuck:** Why does it smell like someone's about to have a cookout in the store?

Jim tries to pinpoint the source of both the hissing and the odor. His eyes go wide as he realizes it's coming from the grill department.

 **Jim:** OH...MY...GOD!

He instantly grabs the nearest person, which happens to be Lauren, and ducks behind the electronics counter just as a wall of flame rushes toward them. Using his body to shield Lauren from the blast Jim looks up and can't see Chuck or Ultra. The force of the blast knocks down the shelf behind the counter. The counter itself stays standing and prevents the shelf from crushing Jim and Lauren. The result is that both are completely shielded from the blast. Lauren curls up into a fetal position and screams as she hears the destruction all around her. Only one word comes to mind.

 **Lauren:** ULTRAAAAAA!

* * *

 **Int. Shot:** Quinn and Jim's bedroom

Jim wakes up drenched in a cold sweat. He screams.

 **Jim:** AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The scream instantly wakes Quinn. She sits up and sees a terrified, sweat soaked Jim sitting up next to her. She immediately springs into action and grabs her husband.

 **Quinn:** Jim! Jim, it's alright, you're safe!

Jim immediately calms down. He looks at Quinn.

 **Jim:** Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

 **Quinn:** It's okay, Jim. That must've been one hell of a nightmare. You wanna talk about it?

Jim looked away from his wife.

 **Jim:** No.

Quinn can tell he's trying to put up a brave front.

 **Quinn:** Did you dream about the explosion?

 **Jim:** (curt) No.

Quinn ignores his tone and tries to get him to open up.

 **Quinn:** Jim, it's okay. Nightmares are perfectly normal after a traumatic event. Remember when Jeffy went crazy and shot you before killing himself?

 **Jim:** Quinn, that was ten years ago.

 **Quinn:** Remember the nightmares I had afterward.

Jim immediately tries to change the subject.

 **Jim:** Quinn, I can handle surviving an explosion. If anyone should be messed up it's you. Tiffany was your friend and she died.

 **Quinn:** Jim, I am messed up about that. The only reason I don't seem like that is because I'm busy worrying about you.

Jim turns away from Quinn and lays back down.

 **Jim:** (curt) Don't!

Quinn sighs as she knows he absolutely won't talk about it. Close up of Jim's face. He looks haunted.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Chuck and Ultra were right there. I could've pulled them to safety and I didn't. Granted, they lived, but if they hadn't then their blood would be on my hands. Chuck has broken ribs and a maimed foot, Ultra has a broken arm and a broken leg, and it's MY FAULT!_

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Ext. Shot:** High Hills Park, day

While Daria watches the boys and their friends at the playground Quinn and Sandi sit on a nearby bench talking.

 **Quinn:** Sandi, how are you holding up?

Sandi sighs.

 **Sandi:** Not very well, Quinn. T...Tif...(tears start to run down Sandi's face)...Tiffany's...dead... _sob_...I... _sniff_...she's gone...GONE!

Snadi grabs Quinn and sobs uncontrollably on her shoulder. Quinn tries to soothe her friend only to start crying herself.

 **Quinn:** I... _sob_...I know... _sob_...oh... **sniff**...Tiffany.

They both continue to cry for their deceased friend.

* * *

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, later that same day

 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

While Quinn, Daria and Sandi are out with the kids Jim is cooking Sunday dinner. He has all the ingredients out for his Sunday Gravy (meat heavy tomato sauce). There's a frying pan on the stove so he can cook the sausage and braciole (brah-zhoull, cheese and garlic butter tied in flattened flank steak). He should've started hours before but the stove is a gas stove. He's been nervously staring at the controls the whole time. Close up to show him looking nervous, breathing heavy and sweating profusely.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Nothing to be afraid of. I've done this countless times before._

Cut to Jim's POV. He truns the stove on. The stove bursts into flames. The flames rush toward Jim.

 **Jim:** NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cut back to third person and we see the stove isn't even on. Jim, however, is acting as if he's burning alive. He screams in pain.

 **Jim:** AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cut to what Jim sees. He believes he's being burned alive by flames that consume the whole house. Cut back to third person and we see a physically unharmed Jim fall to the floor and roll around as if he were burning alive.

 **Jim:** AAAHHHHHH! I'M BURNING UP! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Cut to the front door. We see Quinn and Daria enter with the boys, having returned from the park. Quinn hears the screams of pain.

 **Jim:** (VO, off screen) AHHHHH! NOOOO! BURNING ALIVE! AHHHHHHHH!

 **Quinn:** JIM!

She runs to the kitchen to find Jim curled up in a fetal position and shaking like a leaf.

 **End Act I**

* * *

 **Act II**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Jim is cowering in a fetal position on the floor while a visibly concerned Quinn, Daria, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy look on. Quinn immediately rushes to her husband and gently shakes him.

 **Quinn:** Jim! JIM, LISTEN TO ME! You're going to be alright!

The sound of Quinn's voice snaps Jim out of it. Quinn looks up at her sister, who responds by speaking to Quinn and Jim's sons.

 **Daria:** Boys, let's go upstairs and play some video games.

Daria and the boys leave the kitchen. Quinn helps Jim up and leads him to the kitchen table. They both sit down.

 **Quinn:** Jim, what happened?

 **Jim:** (nervous) N...Nothing. I...um...I slipped and fell, that's all.

Quinn doesn't believe him.

 **Quinn:** Jim, the stove gave you a panic attack. You were screaming that you were on fire.

 **Jim:** (defensive) No, I wasn't.

Quinn refuses to let up.

 **Quinn:** Yes, you were. You thought the stove was gonna blow and you panicked.

Jim rolls his eyes.

 **Jim:** Great! Now you think I'm either a coward or just plain crazy.

 **Quinn:** Jim, you're not a coward, but you odviously need help.

 **Jim:** So it's crazy, then.

Quinn puts a hand on Jim's shoulder.

 **Quinn:** Jim, you're not crazy. You had a very traumatic experience. What's happening to you now is actually normal.

 **Jim:** Do normal people have vivid nightmares that make them wake up screaming? Do normal people freak out when they try to make dinner?

 **Quinn:** They do when they've been traumatized.

 **Jim:** (angry) I'm not traumatized!

 **Quinn:** (insistent) Yes, you are, and that's okay! How could you not be traumatized after what you went through?

 **Jim:** One of your oldest friends died in that explosion and you're handling it just fine.

 **Quinn:** No, I'm not! At the park I couldn't stop crying about what happened to Tiffany, neither could Sandi and Stacy's so beside herself with grief that she can't even function right now. Tiffany's dead and that fact has been eating away at me nonstop. The only reason I'm not having a total meltdown is because I'm too busy worrying about you. At least I can admit I'm having a hard time. Why can't you?

Jim looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Scene 2**

 **Ext. Shot:** Lawndale Memorial Gardens, day

 **Music:** "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth

It's Tiffany's funeral. The ceremony isn't an open casket due to the condition of Tiffany's remains. Her coffin is draped in flowers. Close up shows it to be covered in photos of Tiffany when she was alive as well. Cut to the mourners. They include Jim, Quinn, their boys, Sandi, Stacy, Chuck, Chuckie, Q, Lindy, Chris, their baby Jason, Ultra, Lauren, Kevin, Brittany, Kevin Jr., Daryl, the Wang family and many others. Cut to a shot of Tiffany's father, a white man wearing a yamulka, and Tiffany's mother, and Asian woman. Mr. and Mrs. Blum-Deckler talk to no one as they are so distraught at the loss of their daughter that they seem almost zombie like in their mannerisms. Cut to reveal Daria and Jane among the mourners.

 **Jane:** I always knew I'd come back to Lawndale for a funeral. Never thought it'd be Tiffany's, though.

 **Daria:** Yes, we're mourning the death of someone we gave less than a damn about in life. I admit, it's terrible what happened and sad that she's gone, but it's not like she was our friend.

 **Jane:** And we're missing Sick, Sad World.

 **Daria:** No, Jane. I'm beginning to think we're on it.

Cut to a raised podium behind Tiffany's coffin. Several mourners are lined up to deliver their thoughts on the life of Tiffany Blum-Deckler. Stacy goes first. As she stands at the podium she is visibly trying to hold it together.

 **Stacy:** T...Tiffany was my first real friend. When we met we were both four years old and had just started pre-school. It seems so long ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. She was wearing a pink dress with Jem and the Holograms on the front. Sh...She...SHE ASKED ME IF IT MADE HER LOOK FAT! WAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Stacy can't continue. She runs from the podium sobbing uncontrollably. Sandi takes the podium next. She looks utterly devastated.

 **Sandi:** I first met Tiffany at a time in my life when I was desperately lonely. I was repeating fifth grade. I had no friends in the class. A group of girls approached me during recess that day. Stacy was one, Tiffany was another. They asked me to play with them. Desperate for friends I accepted the invitation. I was soon friends with both Tiffany and Stacy. They introduced me to all of their other friends and they became my friends as well. Tiffany helped me become popular. She wasn't a bright girl, but there was something about her that just drew you in and made you want to be there for her. I became both her friend and protector. When I decided to start a Fashion Club during my teenage years there was never any question that Tiffany would be in it. She knew her limitations and always looked me to guide her. It was nice to be wanted, but with Tiffany I was both wanted AND needed. She became like the sister I never had. And now...now.. _.sniff_...SHE'S GONE! GONE IN A FREAK ACCIDENT! I COULDN'T PROTECT HER THIS TIME AND NOW SHE'S DEAD!

Now it's Sandi who runs away from the podium crying tears of both grief and guilt. It's obvious that she blames herself for Tiffany's death. The next person at the podium is Quinn.

 **Quinn:** I first met Tiffany early in my freshman year of high school. My family had just moved here from Texas and the first new friends I made were Stacy and Sandi. Through them I became friends with Tiffany as well. For the next three years we were in Fashion Club together. This fostered a strong bond among us, a bond similar to that among soldiers who've served together in combat. It wasn't always easy. We'd disagree and fight more times than I care to admit, but it never changed the fact that we were a sisterhood. Sometimes, sisters fight. I know because I have an actual sister and we constantly fought growing up, but we always loved each other despite that. The same was true in the Fashion Club. We may fight, we may act like we can't stand each other sometimes but we were always there for each other when it counted. After high school some of that closeness evaproated. Tiffany was in LA to pursue acting while I was going to college in New York. We grew reacquainted when we both returned to Lawndale. Over the years we'd drift apart more than once, but always found our way back to each other. And when we did it would feel like there was no lost time, no estrangement. I loved Tiffany like a sister. Now... _sniff_...Now, she's gone. Our next reunion will be on the other side of the pearly gates.

Quinn breaks down and cries as she leaves the podium. The last person to speak is, to everyone's surprise, Chan Wang.

 **Chan:** I only know Tiffany Blum-Deckler for short time. At first, I no like Tiffany. I thought Tiffany stupid and clueless. Then, I see how much that cluelessness embarrass my neighbor Jim Carbone. Because of that, I grow to love Tiffany like sister. I love how Tiffany's clueless nature make my stupid guido neighbor blush. Now, Tiffany gone and I have huge hole in my heart. Who make Jim blush with idiocy now? It not fair! Why Tiffany die and not idiot guido neighbor!? IS WORLD WITHOUT TIFFANY WORLD WE WANT TO LIVE IN!?

He cries uncontrollably. Cut to Jim rolling his eyes.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Leave it to Chan to use a funeral as an opportunity to get in a cheap shot at me._

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Ext. Shot:** Tiffany's funeral, a short time later

The mourners are now lined up to approach Tiffany's coffin. One by one they place a whit rose on the coffin and silently say their final goodbye to her. First comes Stacy.

 **Stacy:** (thought VO) _Tiffany, you were my first friend. You were more than my friend, you were like my sister. I miss you, Tiffany. The fact that you're gone breaks my heart to no end. I'll never forget you and I'll always love you._

Stacy places her rose on Tiffany's coffin and walks away crying. Cut to her son, Chucky.

 **Chucky:** (snarky monotone) Mom's grieving.

The next one to place a rose on Tiffany's coffin is Sandi.

 **Sandi:** (thought VO) _Tiffany, I should've been there. I could've saved you. That's what I always did, protect you from yourself. Did I do that? No. I wasn't there. If only I'd been there I wouldn't be burying you now. You'd still be alive. I was selfish. Even when we were kids I was selfish. You depended on me and I used you for my own selfish, petty ends. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you. I'm sorry for everything. I never made it up to you, and now I'll never have the chance. I'm sorry. I'd do anything to bring you back._

Sandi places the rose on Tiffany's coffin and walks away crying. Quinn comes up to the coffin.

 **Quinn:** (thought VO) _If only we'd spent more time together. If only I didn't let circumstances constantly push us apart. Now it's too late. I hope there is an afterlife, and if so, I hope we see each other again when it's my time. I miss you, and I'll never forget you. I'll never let us constantly drift apart in the next life like we always did in this one. I love you. Goodbye, my dear friend._

Quinn places the rose on Tiffany's coffin. The next one is Lauren.

 **Lauren:** (thought VO) _I didn't know you at all. We only met once and it was under very awkward circumstances. That doesn't matter. I'm still sad that you didn't survive the explosion. If only Mr. Carbone could've saved you like he saved me. Whatever your faults, you didn't deserve this._

Lauren places the rose on Tiffany's coffin. Next up is Ultra.

 **Ultra:** (thought VO) _I'm, like, sorry you're dead. You were hot!_

He places the rose on the coffin. Next is Ultra's father, Kevin.

 **Kevin:** (thought VO) _Dude, I can't believe you were blown up. I wonder if a blown up body looks as cool as it does in the movies._

Seized by morbid curiosity, Kevin actually opens Tiffany's coffin. He turns white as a sheet as he learns first hand just how horrific a sight the remains of someone who died in an explosion are.

 **Kevin:** glug...ulp...gulp...urp...hmf...BLEEEEEAAAAACCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He vomits right into the coffin. Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, Lindy and Ming see this and have just one reaction.

 **All:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** Thompson house, evening

 **Music:** "The Middle" by Zedd, Maren Morris and Grey

 **Int. Shot:** Ultra's room

The room is full of sports memorabillia while the walls are covered in posters of video game characters, sports icons (including a big one of Tom Brady) and scantily clad bikini models. In other words, it's a typical teenage jock's room. Ultra is laying in bed watching TV. His arm is in a cast and sling while his leg is in a cast. Lauren lays next to him. They're both fully clothed and above the covers. Ultra tried to slide his good hand down Lauren's pants but she stops him.

 **Lauren:** Not tonight, honey.

 **Ultra:** Why, babe? I have a broken arm and leg, but my...(his voice takes on a suggestive tone)...other parts work just fine.

 **Lauren:** Ultra, your Mom and your brother and sisters are home.

 **Ultra:** We'll be quiet, babe. Dad's at a clown gig and Mom's working out with Daryl. She won't even hear us.

 **Brittany:** (VO, from master bedroom) OH...YES...DARYL, YES...GIVE IT TO ME...GIVEITTOME...

 **Ultra:** Looks like he's making Mom do another hard one. Babe, would you torture yourself to stay hot for me?

Lauren gives Ultra a pitying look. While Ultra's just as clueless as his father Lauren knows what Brittany and Daryl are REALLY doing.

 **Lauren:** (under her breath) I'm never doing that to you again.

 **Ultra:** What was that, babe?

Lauren tries to look as innocent as possible.

 **Lauren:** Nothing, hon.

Ultra thinks nothing of it while Lauren silently chides herself for almost letting it slip that she once slept with another guy behind Ultra's back. Now, she looks serious.

 **Lauren:** Ultra, do you ever think about the future?

 **Ultra:** You mean when I'm starting for the New England Patriots?

Lauren rolls her eyes.

 **Lauren:** I meant us. Do you think we'll still be together in twenty years?

 **Ultra:** Duh, Lauren! You're my babe. Why do you ask?

 **Lauren:** Ultra, we almost died a few days ago. If it wasn't for Mr. Carbone and Mr. Ruttheimer we probably would've died. It's got me thinking about us, where we're going. I realize now just how suddenly life can end. What if one of us died in that explosion?

 **Ultra:** But we didn't die. You're fine and my bones will heal before the start of next season.

Lauren tries to keep from getting too emotional.

 **Lauren:** Ultra, if you'd died I'd be devastated. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.

 **Ultra:** I love you too, babe.

 **Lauren:** You wanna get married?

Ultra's eyes go wide.

 **Ultra:** Babe, we still have senior year and college!

 **Lauren:** I don't mean now, we're only seventeen. I mean do you think we'll be married someday.

Ultra breathes a huge sigh of relief.

 **Ultra:** I guess. Is that what you want?

 **Lauren:** Yes, and I want you to stop cheating on me.

 **Ultra:** I don't mean to cheat, babe, it just happens.

 **Lauren:** Please, promise me. Promise me that when you meet another hot girl you'll at least try to think of what it'd feel like if I hooked up with another guy, even if it was just a one time thing.

Ultra now feels guilty.

 **Ultra:** I'm sorry I made up with that other chick. I promise I won't do that anymore. I love you.

Lauren smiled.

 **Lauren:** I love you too, babe.

They kiss.

 **Ultra:** I hope we get married one day. After all, my parents went out in highschool and Mom's still totally in love with Dad.

 **Brittany:** (VO, from master bedroom) OH, DARYL...YOU'RE A WAY BETTER LOVER THAN KEVIN...YES,YES,

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Ext. Shot:** Lawndale High, a few evenings later

There's a sign out front that reads "PTSD support group meeting tonight".

 **Int. Shot:** One of the classrooms

A support group for PTSD sufferers is meeting. The man chairing the group is a tall, skinny man with gray hair and glasses.

 **Group leader:** Welcome, everyone. As most of you know, I'm your group counselor, Dr. Sullivan.

Cut to the group. Most are combat vetrans. Three of them are Jim, Trent and Jessie.

 **Dr. Sullivan:** We have three new people joining us tonight. Trent Lane, Jessie Moreno and James Carbone. All three are survivors of the recent explosion at Allmart. Trent, would you like to begin?

Trent stands up.

 **Trent:** Mine and Jessie's band, Mystik Explosion...gotta change the name...were playing a gig in the Allmart parking lot when the explosion happened. The whole stage collapsed on us. Our drummer, Max, and our bassist, Nick, were crushed to death and I've been having intense nightmares about it since then.

Cut to Jim, who stands up as Trent sits down.

 **Jim:** My name is James Carbone, but everyone calls me Jim. I was inside the Allmart when it happened. My friend and I were trying to mediate a dispute between a teenage couple. I heard the hissing, smelled the gas and my instincts kicked in. I took cover behind the counter, pulling one of the teenagers in with me. We all survived, but my friend and the other teenager were seriously injured.

 **Dr. Sullivan:** And you feel guilty?

Jim says nothing but his eyes confirm this to be the case.

 **Dr. Sullivan:** Survivors guilt is common in your situation. So's fear.

Jim takes offense.

 **Jim:** I'm no coward!

 **Dr. Sullivan:** There's no shame in it, Jim. It's hard to think what'll happen to your wife and kids if suddenly you aren't there anymore.

 **Jim:** But...

Suddenly, there's a hissing sound. Just like the one made by an open gas valve.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Oh, no!_

 **Trent:** Take your time, Jim.

 **Jessie:** Yeah.

 **Jim:** We don't have time!

 **Dr. Sullivan:** Jim, you're safe now.

The hissing sound gets louder.

 **Jim:** Don't you hear it? There's a gas leak! We need to get out of here, NOW!

Jim grabs Trent and Jessie and tries to drag them out of the window. He has a panicked look in his eyes as he does.

 **Jim:** DAMMIT, DON'T JUST SIT THERE! THIS PLACE IS GONNA BLOW!

Jessie and Trent slip out of Jim's grip.

 **Trent:** Jim, take it easy man!

 **Jim:** WE HAVE TO GET OUT NOW OR WE'LL ALL DIE!

Jim takes one of the chairs and uses it to smash open a window.

 **Jim:** COME ON! NOW!

He leaps out the window and takes cover in a nearby bush. Inside the classroom the door opens. In comes a janitor with a spray can of air freshener.

 **Janitor:** If you're wondering about the hissing sound, someone had to use the bathroom and didn't make it in time. I'm just trying to get rid of the smell.

 **End Act II**

* * *

 **Act III**

 **Scene 1**

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Quinn and Jim are sitting down and talking about what happened at the group meeting.

 **Jim:** You wouldn't believe it. A guy uses a can of air freshener and I act like a bomb's about to go off. It was so humiliating.

 **Quinn:** Jim, I know what you're going through. The shooting incident at Chez Pierre still bugs me sometimes.

 **Jim:** Was the fear and guilt this intense?

Quinn nodded.

 **Quinn:** It was. Even now I can't help blaming myself. If I hadn't led Jeffy on all through high school maybe he wouldn't have gone insane, shot you and killed himself.

 **Jim:** Quinn, it wasn't your fault. You did the same thing to Joey and Jamie and they turned out okay. Granted, Joey was a womanizing jerk who ruined Sandi's life but he probably would've turned out like that anyway.

 **Quinn:** That's what I tell myself. With help it didn't take me long to realize I can't let guilt and fear rule my life.

Jim looks thoughtful. Cut to later on in the kitchen. Jim is staring at the stove. He's visibly nervous and sweating profusely.

 **Jim:** You can do this.

Shaking, he reaches to turn the stove on. His hand is shaking violently. Jim looks absolutely terrified. Finally...

 **Jim:** I...I...I CAN'T!

He turns and runs out of the house.

* * *

 **Scene 2**

 **Ext. Shot:** Thompson house, day

Jim, Mack, Chuck and Kevin are sitting on the porch drinking beer. Chuck has crutches with him because his foot is still in a cast. Jim looks solemn while both Mack and Chuck are in high spirits.

 **Chuck:** Now that Allmart's gone Feisty IT is back in business. No more taking orders from immature punks!

 **Mack:** I hear that. I've reopened MacKenzie automotive and I've got more customers than ever. That explosion was a blessing in disguise.

 **Chuck:** I just wish Tiffany had made it so I could thank her for blowing up that hell hole.

Jim sighed.

 **Jim:** You guys ever think about dying?

 **Mack:** Jim, I was in that explosion too. I consider the fact that I lived a gift.

 **Chuck:** I owe you my life, Jim.

Jim raises an eyebrow, which Chuck notices.

 **Chuck:** Jim, if you and Lauren hadn't figured out what was going on Ultra and I wouldn't have ducked for cover. We would've just stood there and been either consumed by flames or torn apart by the blast. You saved us.

Jim looks curious.

 **Jim:** You aren't mad that I saved Lauren and not you.

 **Chuck:** First off, she was closest to you so of course it makes sense that she's the one you'd take into cover with you. Your reaction convinced me and Ultra to do the same thing. You saved us both.

 **Mack:** Jim, I ducked in time. You didn't need to save me. I was in another part of the store anyway. You didn't do anything wrong.

 **Jim:** I'm just wondering what would happen to Quinn and the boys if I suddenly died.

 **Kevin:** I'll take the kids, Jim. Quinn's on her own, though. I already have a babe.

 **Jim:** Kevin, if anyone takes in the boys it's gonna be my brother or Chuck and Stacy.

Pan over to the other side of the fence. Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Kevin Jr. and Michelle were eavesdropping. Timmy is especially distraught by what they overheard.

 **Timmy:** Th...They said Dad was okay.

 **Teddy:** He is okay.

 **Tommy:** Yeah. Dad's so tough even an explosion couldn't kill him.

Timmy looks upset.

 **Timmy:** Then why's he talking about death?

Kevin Jr. shrugs.

 **Kevin Jr.:** I dunno!

 **Teddy:** Dad just wants to know we'll be okay if something does happen to him.

 **Timmy:** B...But why?

The other kids clearly don't know how to answer that. Back on the Thompson's porch Ultra joins them. Lauren pushes his wheelchair.

 **Kevin:** Have a beer, son?

The other's look disapprovingly at Kevin as he hands his 17 year old son a beer.

 **Ultra:** Thanks, Dad.

Lauren walks over to Jim.

 **Lauren:** Mr. Carbone, can I talk to you privately for a minute?

Jim let's out a resigned sigh.

* * *

 **Scene 3**

 **Int. Shot:** The Thompson's living room

Jim and Lauren are seated on the couch and talking.

 **Lauren:** Mr. Carbone, how are you holding up?

Jim gives the teenager a curious look.

 **Jim:** What do you mean?

 **Lauren:** I've been thinking a lot since the explosion, which is weird since I'm a cheerleader. It's not like I'm a brain or anything. I've been thinking about life and how uncertain everything is. You saved me. You saved us all. I heard you guys talking out there. It's true, my life isn't the only one you saved that day. You saved my boyfriend and Mr. Ruttheimer too.

 **Jim:** Weren't you in the process of breaking up with Ultra?

Lauren nods.

 **Lauren:** This helped us both put things into perspective. Ultra and I both decided that we love each other enough to give it another try.

Jim smiles.

 **Jim:** I hope it works. You two actually do make a nice couple.

 **Lauren:** Thanks. Jim, what about the fear?

Jim raises an eyebrow.

 **Jim:** What do you mean?

 **Lauren:** That explosion changed me. I realized that life is a precious gift and we almost lost ours. I also know that it's made me afraid of losing my life or someone I care about losing theirs. I was wondering if you're reacting the same way.

Jim opts for honesty.

 **Jim:** I'm scared, scared of what'll happen to my wife and kids if I'm suddenly not around anymore.

 **Lauren:** Don't be. You saved my life. I can never fully repay that debt but I'm damn well gonna try. If something happens to you I'll be there for Quinn and the boys. We all will. Even if you didn't save my life I'd probably do that.

Jim's more than a little surprised by this level of maturity from a 17 year old.

 **Jim:** Really!?

 **Lauren:** You've been so nice to me since I started dating your neighbor's son. My parents are neglectful yuppies who try to overcompensate by spoiling me rotten. When I had questions about sex you and Quinn were both honest and non judgmental about it. Whenever Ultra and I had problems you two were there just to listen. You've become even more of a family to me than my own family. If something happened to you I'd be there for Quinn and the boys. We all would. Besides, that explosion was a freak accident. What're the chances something like that'll happen again?

Jim has a look of sudden clarity on his fact.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _She's right! I shouldn't be so scared. What happened was a one in a million set of circumstances._ (out loud) Thanks, Lauren. Hearing someone say that helps a lot.

Lauren smiled.

 **Lauren:** Jim, I think we're all actually gonna be okay. (she stands up) What do you say we get back out there before everyone starts getting the wrong idea?

Jim stifles a laugh.

 **Jim:** Let's.

* * *

 **Scene 4**

 **Ext. Shot:** The Thompson's front porch.

Lauren and Jim have rejoined Kevin, Ultra, Mack and Chuck outside.

 **Jim:** So, while it's tragic what happened to Tiffany it was still a freak accident. Not like mass explosions are a regular occurance around here.

Everyone nods in agreement. Jim is visibly relieved that he finally has a handle on things. Suddenly, Quinn runs up to them and looks panicked.

 **Quinn:** JIM!

Jim senses his wife's panic.

 **Jim:** What's wrong!?

 **Quinn:** Timmy's run away!

Jim's face goes white with terror. Cut to a short time later. Jim has the family dog, Stripe, on a leash while Quinn has a candy bar from the stash in Timmy's room. She holds it in front of Stripe's nose.

 **Quinn:** Come on, Stripe, sniff. That's a good girl.

Stripe looks up Bealer Street and starts tugging on the leash in that direction.

 **Jim:** Okay, she's locked on Timmy's scent.

As they run off Jim calls back to Quinn.

 **Jim:** WISH ME LUCK!

* * *

 **Scene 5**

 **Ext. Shot:** High Hills Park, sunset

Timmy's at the playground sitting on top of a tower that's a combination slide, jungle jim and swing set. He watches the sunset with a frightened look on his face when...

 **Jim:** (VO, off screen) TIMMY!

Timmy looks down and sees Jim with Stripe.

 **Jim:** Mind if I join you?

Timmy's too distraught to answer. Jim ties Stripe's leash to the tower and climbs the ladder. He sits next to his son.

 **Timmy:** How'd you find me, Dad?

 **Jim:** I had Stripe sniff some candy from your stash. She led me all over the neighborhood several times. Finally, we ran into Mr. Lobinskie and he told me you were here.

Timmy nods in understanding.

 **Jim:** Timmy, why'd you run off like that?

 **Timmy:** I'm scared, Dad. You were almost killed in an explosion and then I heard you talking about death with Mr. Thompson, Mr. Ruttheimer and Mr. MacKenzie. I guess it freaked me out. I'm scared of you dying, Dad.

Jim understands.

 **Jim:** Timmy, you're seven years old. You should be playing with your brothers and friends, going to school and occassionally annoying me and your mother with your youthful hijinks. My death should be the last thing on your mind.

 **Timmy:** So, you aren't going to die?

 **Jim:** Not for a long time. None of us are. What happened at Allmart was a freak accident. You know why they call them freak accidents?

Timmy shakes his head.

 **Jim:** Because they're so rare that if they happen once they never happen again. Yes, everyone dies but do you know what people like us usually die from?

Timmy looks at his father and waits for the answer.

 **Jim:** Old age, and that's a long time off.

 **Timmy:** How long?

Jim provides some examples.

 **Jim:** Grandpa Jake and Grandma Helen are both almost 70 and they're as healthy now as they've always been. Nonna (Jim's mother) is 67 and doing just fine. Grandpa Tony's 73 and he's not dying anytime soon. My own grandfather lived until he was 81. I'm only 38.

Jim takes a breath before continuing.

 **Jim:** Timmy, what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't get so worked up worrying about something that isn't going to happen to any of us for a very, very long time.

Timmy smiles.

 **Timmy:** So, you're going to be all right?

Jim smiles back.

 **Jim:** Of course. You have a whole bunch of great things ahead of you and your mother and I plan on being there for all of them.

Timmy looks at his father with expectant eyes.

 **Timmy:** You promise?

 **Jim:** I promise.

Father and son hug.

 **Timmy:** I'm not in trouble, am I?

 **Jim:** No, I'm just glad you're okay.

 **Timmy:** I guess we should go home now.

Jim looks to the west.

 **Jim:** Actually, let's stay a little longer. The sunsets are beautiful this time of year.

Father and son continue to watch the sun set and are visibly content.

 **End Credits.**

* * *

 **Next Time**

Jim's uncle, Vito, utters a shocking family secret after having too much wine.


	27. Dirty Little Secret

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 27**

 **"Dirty Little Secret"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

The garage is open. Jim is working on a car with a blonde man in his late twenties. Naturally, he's filming this for his YouTube channel. They finish and Jim takes the camera off of the tripod. He holds it up in front of himself and the blonde man who's helping him.

"That's how you switch out a spark plug on a hybrid. I'm Jim Carbone."

The blonde man said "And I'm Tad Gupty."

"As always, like and subscribe. Later."

Jim shuts off the camera and turns his attention to Tad.

"Thanks for the help."

Tad said "Thanks for paying me."

"Every little bit helps," Jim explained, "My wife promised your sister she'd help you out. I figured paying you to assist me until you get a real job would be the best way to go. It's not much, but it's better than nothing."

Tad hangs his head. He's a little embarrassed over how he got to this point. Seeing this, Jim asked "By the way, how are you holding up?"

Smiling, Tad said "Six months clean and counting."

At this point, Sandi approaches.

"Hey, Jim." She winks suggestively at Tad. "Who's your handsome friend?"

Jim said "Sandi, this is Tad Gupty. He assists me once in a while for a fee."

Tad's face lights up in recognition.

"You're that mean girl on the parade float!"

Sandi takes offense.

"Excuse Me!?"

Tad explained "When I was eight. I jumped on a parade float. We got into an argument because you were using beauty products that were tested on animals."

Sandi gasps in realization.

* * *

 **Fashion Club parade float, Spring Homecoming, 1999...**

Tad and Sandi are arguing while Quinn, Staci, Tiffany, Daria and Tom look on.

Tad said "You don't respect other species rights!"

Sandi snapped back "Shove it, veggie boy!"

Tad said "You're a mean old witch!"

"I am NOT old!"

* * *

 **2019...**

Sandi blushes with embarrassment at the memory. Tad extends his hand in greeting.

"No harm done. I was just a little kid back then."

Sandi shakes his hand and smiles.

"It's okay." she said, "I was a total bitch back then."

She then smiles suggestively at Tad.

"You know, you've grown into a cute guy. Are you single?"

Tad said "Sorry, I'm not looking to date right now."

Sandi looks hurt, which Tad notices.

"It's not you." he explained, "I'm just...well...long story. By the way, I don't think you look old."

Sandi blushes and writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Tad.

"My phone number and email, in case you change your mind..." she winks and her voice takes on a sultry tone, "...sexy."

Jim rolls his eyes.

"Sandi, can we talk about what brings you here before this gets any more awkward?"

Tad said "Relax, Jim. It's actually flattering that your sister's interested in me."

Jim and Sandi both laugh uncontrolably. Tad doesn't get it.

"What's so funny?"

Jim and Sandi stop laughing.

Jim said "She's not my sister."

Sandi added "We aren't even related."

Tad now looks embarrassed.

"Sorry."

Sandi stifles an extra giggle.

"It's okay. What made you think Jim and I were brother and sister?"

Tad said "Well, you both look a lot alike."

Indeed, except for Jim's hair being a lighter shade of brown he and Sandi DO look like genderbent versions of each other. In fact, if Jim's brown hair were darker he'd look like a dead ringer for Sandi's actual brother, Chris.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim and Quinn are in the kitchen making dinner. He's stirring sauce in a pot while Quinn is slicing vegetables for a salad. Remembering Jim's issues since he survived that explosion, Quinn said "I'm glad you finally conquered your fear of the stove."

"Me too," said Jim, "But I think I made too much sauce. Now that Daria's back in New York it's just you, me and the boys again."

"We should pay my sister a visit. I've gotten so used to her being here."

Jim decides to change the subject.

"You know, Sandi stopped by today. Tad thought we were brother and sister."

Quinn shows no reaction, which surprises Jim.

"Questions?," he said, "Comments? Jokes?"

Quinn said "You mean neither of you ever noticed that you look alike!?"

Jim explained "Well, yeah, but I always just assumed it was a coincidence. I mean if you dyed your hair blonde you'd look like Sara Jean Underwood. Doesn't mean you're related to her."

Quinn said "Considering how we've become more of a family to her than her own I doubt it would change anything."

Jim cringes as he remembers some failed attempts by Sandi to seduce him out of desperation. While that isn't happening anymore she does still like to flirt with him. Jim tolerates it as it's just talk and, truth be told, the attention does give him an ego boost. Still, it would be awkward if they were related.

"Quinn, she tried to seduce me when you were at the hospital with Daria. Not to steal your line, but...EWWW!"

Quinn stifles a giggle. The doorbell rings.

"I'll get that."

She walks up to the door and opens it. It's Jim's uncle, Vito Carbone.

"Hey, Quinn. I was in the area and wondering if I can crash wit' youse guys tonight."

Quinn frowns.

 _At least it's not Tony._ she thought as she said "Only if you promise to behave yourself. No foul language in front of the boys, no sex talk and no female escorts."

Vito said "No problem. I got more than enough bastards already."

Quinn rolls her eyes.

 _UGH!_

* * *

 **Sometime later...**

Quinn, Jim, Vito, Timmy, Tommy and Teddy are at the table having dinner. Vito chugs some red wine straight from the bottle. Jim rolls his eyes.

"Uncle Vito, if you're gonna drink wine pour it in a glass."

Vito said "Sorry."

He pours wine in a BIG glass and downs it in one gulp. Tommy looks amazed.

"Cool!"

Vito is visibly a little drunk.

"Ya think tha's cool, check this out."

Vito takes a deep breath.

 **Vito:** (belching)"...A...B...C...D...E...F...G..."

Grossed out, Quinn yelled "VITO!"

Vito stops.

"So... _hic_...sorry."

Timmy asked "Can I try it?"

In a stern tone, Quinn said "You most certainly can NOT, young man!"

Tommy whined "But Uncle Vito does it."

Teddy rolls his eyes.

 _Idiots._

Vito chugs some more wine. Jim decides to play peacemaker.

"Uncle Vito, what brings you down here anyway?"

Vito belches before answering. Quinn looks highly offended. Not noticing, Vito said "I was _...hic_...visiting... _urp_...your aunt."

Jim looks confused.

"Aunt Ginny lives in Falmouth."

In an accusing tone, Quinn said "You expect us to believe you drove from New York to Massachusetts then drove all the way down to New Jersey just to have dinner."

Vito explained "No _...hic_...I wasn't visiting Aunt Ginny. I was visiting Aunt Linda, my other sister."

Jim isn't buying it.

"Nonna Angela and Grandpa Jack had Dad, then you and Aunt Ginny as twins. They didn't have any other kids."

Vito suddenly has a look of realization and blushes.

"Aww, crap!"

Jim raises an eyebrow.

"What?"

Vito slurred "I forgot that no one ever told yas."

With a mixture of curiosity and suspicion, Jim said "Told me what, Uncle Vito?"

"You got an aunt we never told you about, born about four years after me an' Ginny."

Jim and Quinn's jaws both drop.

* * *

 **Gina Carbone's house in Long Island, evening...**

Jim's mother, Gina, is watching TV in the living room when the phone rings. She answers.

 **Gina:** Hello?

Split screen to show Jim on the other end of the line.

 **Jim:** Hey, Mom.

Gina is overjoyed.

 **Gina:** Jim, how are you?

 **Jim:** I could be better. That's why I'm calling.

Gina is immediately concerned.

 **Gina:** What's wrong?

 **Jim:** Uncle Vito's here and he's had too much wine.

 **Gina:** Did that _miserable_ get fresh with Quinn?

 **Jim:** No, but he let something interesting slip. Do you know anything about Dad having a sister named Linda?

Gina gasped in realization.

 **Gina:** He told you about that!?

 **Jim:** What's going on, Mom?

 **Gina:** Tony didn't want you or Chris to know. It was one of the few things we agreed on.

 **Jim:** You knew!?

Gina nodded.

 **Gina:** Your father told me about her right before we got married. He wanted to invite her to the wedding but changed his mind when Nonna Angela and Grandpa Jack threatened a boycott of the wedding.

 **Jim:** Okay, Mom, spill.

Gina let out a resigned sigh before continuing.

 **Gina:** Your grandparents had a very stormy relationship, we all knew that. It was partly due to your grandfather's habit of keeping other women on the side.

Jim pieces it together.

 **Jim:** Grandpa Jack got the other woman pregnant, didn't he?

 **Gina:** He did. Your grandmother forced him to cut off all contact. The other woman's brother and his wife agreed to raise the baby as one of their own in order to hide the family shame.

 **Jim:** How did Dad and Uncle Vito find out?

 **Gina:** Your father didn't have the best relationship with his parents. He overheard them arguing about it one time and kept that information to himself. Years later, the girl, by then a teenager, learned the truth after her birth mother died of a drug overdose. She contacted your father and they connected. Your father did it to spite his own parents, I think. He told Vito about their long lost sister for the same reason.

 **Jim:** How come no one ever told me or Chris about this?

 **Gina:** By then it had become a shameful family secret that Linda even existed. Your father had reconciled with his parents and we figured you and your brother knowing would plunge the whole _famiglia_ into discord, so we all agreed to never tell you. I can't believe Vito let it slip. _Disgrazia!_

Jim has one more question.

 **Jim:** What else do you know about this Linda woman?

 **Gina:** Not much, I'm afraid. I never actually met her. I know she lives near Philadelphia, but that's all.

Jim sighs.

 **Jim:** Thanks, Mom.

Gina's a little worried.

 **Gina:** Are you going to tell Chris?

Jim sighs yet again.

 **Jim:** I haven't decided yet.

End Gina's side of the split screen as they hang up. Jim has a thought.

 **Jim:** (thought VO) _Linda. Why does that name sound familiar?_

* * *

 **A large (and familiar to Daria viewers) white two-story in Lawndale, day...**

Jim and Vito are walking up to the front door.

"This is it." said Vito, "This is where your Aunt Linda lives."

Vito rings the door bell.

Jim asked "What's her full name?"

Vito said "Her birth name was Linda D'Mico. She went back to using it after her divorce. Whatever you do, don't mention her daughter."

"Why?"

"Long story."

Just then, the door opens and we see Aunt Linda, but Daria fans will recognize her as Linda Griffin. Hair dye and plastic surgery make her look like she hasn't aged a day since her forties.

Vito said "Jim, this is my sister and your aunt, Linda. Linda, I'd like you to meet Tony's boy, Jim."

Both Jim and Linda's eyes go wide.

 **Jim and Linda:** YOU!

Yep, Jim's long lost aunt is Sandi's estranged mother.

* * *

Jim, Vito and Linda are in the living room sitting down and talking. Jim and Linda are coming to grips with the revelation that they're related.

Jim asked "When you came over to my house nine years ago did you know I was your nephew?"

Linda takes a sip of tea before answering.

"No. I knew that Tony had two sons named Chris and Jim, but I didn't know you were the same Jim who's Tony Carbone's son. How long have you known? Tony told me he didn't want you or your brother knowing in accordance with his parents wishes."

Jim said "Last night Uncle Vito let it slip after having too much wine."

Linda shoots her brother a dirty look. Vito sinks in his chair.

"Sorry about that. I can't wait to see how Tony's gonna react to this one."

"Look," said Jim, "the reason I'm here is that I still have some unanswered questions. My mother told me you were raised by your aunt and uncle in order to hide the truth. When did you find out they weren't really your parents?"

Linda took a deep breath before explaining.

"I always suspected something wasn't right when my parents looked at me differently than they looked at my brothers and sisters, actually cousins. My aunt, actually my mother, got heavy into the drug scene in the sixties. When I was sixteen she showed up at our place totally wasted and tried to take me away. She told me the truth. My so-called parents confirmed it when they confronted her. The woman I'd been led to believe was my aunt was actually my mother and I was the result of an affair she'd had with a married man."

"How'd you find us?"

Linda said "I was curious so I did some research and learned that my real father's name was Giacomo Carbone."

Jim nodded.

"Grandpa Jack."

Linda went on.

"I found out where they lived and tried to visit, but my father's wife slammed the door in my face."

Vito nodded.

"Sounds like Ma."

Linda said "They must've mentioned it to their oldest because I was contacted a few days later by an Army Ranger who'd just gotten back from Vietnam. His name was Tony Carbone."

Jim nodded.

"My father. He found out by accident when he was just a kid. He must've heard about your visit and decided to contact you."

Linda nodded.

"He did. We both bonded over not being wanted by our parents. You see..."

Jim interrupts her.

"I know the story. My grandmother dreamed of being an actress but had to abandon it after Grandpa Jack got her pregnant with my Dad. She was so bitter that she took her disappointment out on him. That's why he ran away and joined the Army as soon as he could."

Linda nodded. She then explained "By the time I met my real older brother my real mother had died of a drug overdose and my real father wanted to pretend I didn't even exist. My real brothers and sister, on the other hand, accepted me as family despite this. They all kept the secret in order to keep on good terms with the rest of the family, however."

Jim notes another revelation.

"Aunt Ginny knows!?"

Linda nodded.

"She does."

Jim, thinking about how shitty Sandi's life is and how he and Quinn have to constantly pull her out of a jam, menacingly narrows his eyes at Linda.

"And you repeated the cycle with your own children."

Linda takes offense.

"Excuse me! My sons were loved by both their father and I."

Jim hissed "What about your daughter? The one you cruelly disowned for being bi?"

Vito visibly panics.

"Jim, ix-nay!"

Jim's having none of it.

"F$%& THAT! Let's see if she can take what she dishes out." He turns his attention back to Linda. "I should've known you were a relative. Only a real Carbone could be as cruel to their own offspring as you are."

Linda angrily folds her arms.

"I'll not have that sexual deviant mentioned in my presence!"

Jim gets right in Linda's face.

"You will if you want any kind of relationship with me or my brother. Quinn and I have spent practically our whole time together cleaning up a mess YOU made! Sandi is your daughter, my neighbor and one of my wife's closest friends. You don't like it, TOUGH F #$ING SHIT!"

Linda looks totally taken aback. Vito is visibly impressed.

 _Yep, he's Tony's son alright!_

Linda voices a similar thought.

"Clearly you've inherited your father's stubbornness and his temper."

* * *

 **A street in Lawndale, a short time later...**

Vito's car is driving down the street. Cut to inside and we see Vito driving and Jim in the passenger seat.

Vito said "Jim, why'd you get on your aunt's case like that?"

Jim's eyes narrow.

"She disowned her daughter for being bisexual and both Quinn and I have been dealing with the fallout from that."

Vito has yet to put two and two together.

"So?"

Jim said "So, her daughter is one of Quinn's closest friends and lives right across the street from us. I believe you've met her a couple of times. She arranged Quinn's bachelorette party and used to dance at Cafe Risque."

Vito gasps in realization.

* * *

 **Quinn's bachelorette party, 2010...**

Sandi has just killed the music because the male stripper she hired turned out to be Uncle Vito. She hops right up on stage, kills the music and gets right in Vito's face.

 **Sandi:** WHAT THE HELL!? I expected a sexy stud, not an obese old guy. In fact, aren't you the guy who got fresh with me in the champagne room last year?

 **Vito:** You recognized me, huh.

* * *

 **Cafe Risque, 2008...**

The room has velvet purple walls, a pole and a chair for a lap dance. Vito sits in the chair. Sandi works the pole, grinding it and licking her lips as she does. She begins to remove her bra. Cut back to Vito and the lecherous grin on his face. He pulls out another hundred and signals Sandi over. When the camera cuts back to Sandi she is now sensually crawling toward Vito so we only see her back. She takes the hundred and slowly straddles him. We only see the lap dance from behind Sandi as she sways her but and teases Vito. Vito then grabs her ass with one hand, her hair with the other. Close up of their faces shows him trying to forcably kiss a now angry Sandi.

 **Sandi:** HANDS! HANDS!

* * *

Vito now looks absolutely horrified now that he knows who the estranged daughter of Linda is.

"OH, GOD! I got a lap dance from my own niece!? I TRIED TO COP A FEEL ON A BLOOD RELATIVE!"

Vito starts to breathe heavy. Jim springs into action.

"UNCLE VITO, YOUR HEART!"

Vito takes a few deep breaths before reaching into his shirt pocket. He pulls out a pill bottle and pops two. Once that's done, he holds the pill bottle in front of Jim.

"Blood thinner. Last thing I need's a fourth heart attack."

He puts the pills back in his pocket.

Jim said "I know how you feel. After her divorce Sandi developed a crush on me. She constantly flirts with me and even made a serious attempt to seduce me once. I resisted, thank God, but it freaks me out now that I know she's my cousin. I've fantasized about her while jerking off, for chrissake."

Vito starts to freak out again.

"My own niece gave me a lap dance!"

Trying not to freak out himself, Jim said "We didn't know she was a blood relative. Hopefully, that's enough to keep us both sane."

Jim now looks haunted.

 _She once stripped naked in front of me in a failed attempt to seduce me. The sight turned me on...AND IT TURNS OUT SHE'S MY COUSIN! This couldn't be more awkward if it tried._ "I've gotta figure out how to break this to Quinn."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

 **Music:** "Dirty Little Secret" by All American Rejects

"WHAT!?"

Quinn and Jim are on the couch talking. He's just told her what he found out.

"The estranged aunt I never knew about is Sandi's mom."

Quinn said "This...is...so...weird."

Jim said "My own cousin has been flirting with me and even tried to seduce me. This is beyond weird."

Quinn calms down.

"Well, it's not like you ever gave in to her advances."

Jim said "Thank God. How am I gonna tell Sandi?"

Quinn nearly freaks out at that prospect.

"Oh, God! She'll totally freak! I mean, she's already been through so much and now it turns out she was making drunken passes at her cousin."

Jim said "Well, she cut it out while she was dating Lisa and she hasn't picked it up since they broke up."

"No," said Quinn, "but she made a pass at me once since then."

Jim said "You're not the one she has a blood relation to. I mean, she Frenched me once. When you were at the hospital with Daria and she convinced herself you left me."

Quinn nods as she remembers the incident all too well.

"At least you resisted."

Jim makes it known what cold comfort that is.

"Quinn, my COUSIN had her tongue in my mouth!"

At this point, they can only think of one thing to say.

"EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

Jim is getting the mail out of his mailbox.

"Hey, Jim."

Jim is startled.

"EEEP!"

He turns around. Sandi is wearing a tight shirt that shows off her curves and jeans so tight that one can make out the outline of her underwear.

Nervous, Jim said "Um...uh...hi, Sandi. Um...What's going on?"

"I was just taking advantage of the warm weather to break in my spring wardrobe." She sways her hips suggestively. "You like?"

Jim is visibly freaked as it's obvious Sandi's flirting with him.

"Um...Yeah...uh...sure...um..."

Sandi thinks Jim is stunned by her good looks.

"Jim, you are so cute when you get shy."

Jim is now sweating profusely.

"Um...uh...Can I help you with something?"

Sandi gets an idea as to why Jim's acting nervous.

"Don't worry, Jim, I'm not actually trying to seduce you."

Jim said "Thank God...I mean, I never said you were."

"Relax," said Sandi, "You're Quinn's husband and I've decided that means look but don't touch."

Jim is too weirded out to say anything. Sandi picks up the slack.

"It doesn't mean we can't flirt."

Jim is now paralyzed with panic. Sandi bats her eyes at him.

"Jim, I'm not gonna make another pass at you. I can't believe I tried that a few times."

Jim only calms down slightly.

"Okay."

Sandi continued.

"Still, I'd like to ask you something. I want an honest answer."

"Um...Okay."

"Do you think I'm, well...," her voice takes on a sultry tone, "...Do you think I'm sexy?"

Jim now freaks out.

"Um...Igottago!"

He frantically runs into the house.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn and a visibly nervous Jim are sitting on the couch.

"Quinn, are you sure this is a good idea? What if Sandi can't handle it?"

Quinn said "You'd rather she keeps flirting with you now that you know she's your cousin?"

Jim shudders at the thought. He asked "Why'd you make the kids spend the night with your parents?"

Quinn answered "I think it's better if we tell Sandi before we tell them. I mean, they can handle knowing you have a long lost aunt but Sandi being your cousin might be a bit much this soon."

Jim looks thoughtful.

"Makes sense. Once the initial shock wears off she might even be able to help us tell the kids. Might be easier for them to swallow then."

Quinn said "That's my thinking too."

The door bell rings.

Quinn said "That's probably her. You ready?"

Jim takes a deep breath.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

They both get up and answer the door. Sandi is standing there with her hair and makeup done. She's wearing a leather jacket over a skimpy tube top and a denim mini skirt so mini that she might as well be flashing her panties at everyone. Jim is struggling not to freak out.

"Sandi," said Quinn, "why are you dressed like a hooker?"

Sandi bats her eyes seductively at both of them.

"Quinn, you wanted me to come over in the evening and sent the kids away so us grown ups could have privacy."

Quinn raises an eyebrow.

"And?"

Sandi winks suggestively at them.

"Quinn, I'm not stupid. It's perfectly obvious you and Jim invited me over for a threesome. Let's get upstairs and get busy."

Quinn struggles not to laugh. Jim, on the other hand, has a totally different reaction.

"GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He immediately passes out from shock.

* * *

Sandi and Quinn are trying to revive an unconscious Jim.

"Jim!" said Quinn, "Jim, wake up!"

Sandi shakes him.

"Jim, come on!"

Jim opens his eyes. He sees Sandi in her slutty outfit and immediately freaks.

"GAAAAAHHHHHH!"

He's about to faint again when...

"JIM, DON'T YOU DARE!" Quinn snapped.

This snaps Jim out of his panic.

"I...um...Sandi, we didn't ask you over here for sex."

Sandi immediately blushes out of embarrassment.

"Sorry, I just figured after I flirted with you the other day maybe you freaked because your will to resist was crumbling. When Quinn called and told me she'd sent the kids away for the night so the three of us could have a grown up talk I just assumed we were gonna have a threesome."

Quinn shakes her head.

"Sandi, you know perfectly well that Jim and I aren't into swinging and group sex."

Sandi is now supremely embarrassed.

"Sorry."

The three of them sit down on the couch. When Sandi sits both Jim and Quinn's eyes go wide.

 **Quinn:** (thought VO) _She's not wearing any underwear!_ (out loud) "Um, Sandi..."

Sandi looks at her outfit.

"Sorry! Um, Since I live right across the street maybe I should go home and change."

Quinn said "I think that'd be best."

Sandi gets up and walks toward the door.

"I'll be back in a few minutes."

She leaves. Quinn and Jim both appear apprehensive.

* * *

 **A short time later...**

The sky is now overcast. There's a roar of thunder. It suddenly starts raining. Suddenly...

 **Sandi:** (VO, from house) "WHAT!?"

Quinn, Jim and Sandi are seated on the couch in the living room. They've just told her the truth about her background.

Angry, Sandi barked "Is this your idea of a sick joke!?"

Quinn gives her friend a sympathetic look.

"Sandi, I'd never joke about something like that. Your mother was the result of an extramarital affair between Jim's grandfather and your grandmother."

Sandi's jaw hangs open.

"I know," said Jim, "I only recently found out myself. Sandi, we're cousins."

"You...you're serious!"

Both Quinn and Jim nod. Sandi totally freaks.

"I...I tried to seduce my COUSIN!"

Jim shudders while Quinn nods. Sandi immediately goes into denial.

"No...I...this is...no, it can't be!"

Quinn puts a hand on Sandi's shoulder.

"Sandi, I know...um..."

She can't think of anything to say. Sandi immediately pulls away and stands up.

"It's bullshit."

Quinn said "Sandi..."

Sandi is too freaked out to listen to reason.

"IT'S BULLSHIT!"

She immediately runs to the door, out of the house and into a thunderstorm.

* * *

 **A lonely stretch of road on the outskirts of town, a while later...**

Sandi sits in the mud by the side of the road and cries as the rain continues to pour down on her.

"Why?... _sniff_...Why me?... _sob_...My life...it sucks... _sniff_...f...first, my family disowns me for being bi _...sob_...then... _sniff_...then, my husband leaves me.. _.sob_...I...I HATE MY FREAKING LIFE! I... _sniff_...I French kissed m...my...MY COUSIN!"

She's so distraught that she doesn't notice a blue Camaro ZL1 pull up by her. It's Jim's car. Quinn emerges from the passenger side with an umbrella.

"Sandi?"

Sandi looks up with an angry scowl.

"What!? You followed me so you can make fun of me for once trying to put the moves on my cousin!?"

Quinn said "Sandi, no. You didn't know, none of us did. We only found out a few days ago when Jim's uncle let it slip after having too much wine."

Quinn sits down in the mud next to Sandi.

Sandi sobbed "You... _sniff_...You know what really sucks about all of this? Everything I ever thought about myself is a freaking lie."

Quinn puts an arm around her friend.

"Sandi, no. You're still Sandi Griffin, none of this changes that. So, you found out your maternal heritage isn't what you'd been led to believe, you're still you. That'll never change. Besides, haven't you and Linda cut off all contact."

Sandi said "Yes. This doesn't change the fact that I don't even know who my family is, though."

Quinn said "Sandi, we're your family. Remember about thirteen years ago. I recall us having a conversation very similar to this one. Right after I found out you were working as a stripper."

Sandi says nothing but nods.

Quinn asked "Do you remember what I said to you that night?"

Shaking, Sandi remembers.

"You said that because my family wants nothing to do with me you, Stacy and Tiffany would be my family."

Quinn said "And we are. All this means is that my husband actually IS family to you. Look, you've got me, Jim and Stacy and that'll never change. We ARE your family. If Tiffany were still alive I think she'd agree."

Sandi smiles and immediately throws her arms around Quinn.

"Thank you."

* * *

 **Carter County Courthouse, a few days later...**

Sandi is in line at the Clerk Of Courts office. Quinn and Stacy are there with her.

Quinn said "Sandi, you don't have to do this."

Sandi smiled.

"I want to do this. If my so-called family wants nothing to do with me than they can take their name back."

Stacy said "So, you really are cutting your last ties with them?"

Sandi said "They aren't my family. They abandoned me when I needed them the most. I figure it's high time a change my name to reflect where I really belong."

They approach the booth. A notary looks at them.

"Can I help you?"

The notary, a blonde woman with glasses, immediately recognizes Sandi.

"Sandi, what brings you here?"

Sandi turned to Quinn and Stacy.

"This is the same notary who switched me back to my maiden name after the divorce."

She turns back to the notary.

"I need to legally change my last name. My birth family wants nothing to do with me so I'm taking the name of the family I truly belong to."

The notary places a bible on the counter.

"You know the drill."

Sandi places one hand on the bible while raising the other.

"Do you solemnly swear that you are doing this of your own free will and are of sound mind."

"I do."

"What do you want your new name to be?"

"Alexandra Denise Carbone."

Quinn and Stacy both smile.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, that evening...**

Quinn, Jim, Sandi and the three T's are seated at the kitchen table having dinner. The kids have just learned the truth.

Tommy said "So you're really Dad's cousin, Miss Griffin?"

Sandi smiled.

"It's Miss Carbone now, and yes."

Teddy remarked "Since you're officially family now I guess we should call you something other than "Miss"."

"How about "Aunt Sandi"?" Timmy suggested.

Quinn said "It's alright with me."

"Me too." added Jim as he raised his drink glass. "Salute a la famiglia, centanni."

They all clink their drinks together.

 **Quinn:** Cheers.

 **Tommy and Timmy:** Salute.

 **Teddy:** Centanni.

Sandi looks puzzled.

"What's 'shindannee' mean?"

Jim corrects her pronounciation.

"'chen-tan-eee', it means 'a hundred years'. It's an old Italian toast."

Quinn said "It means 'may we all live happily for a hundred years'."

Sandi said "I'll gladly drink to that."


	28. Circle Of Stryfe

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 28**

 **"Circle Of Stryfe"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Highland, TX, 1988...**

Five year old Quinn Morgendorffer is laying awake in her bed. It's nighttime and she's visibly frightened. The source of the little girl's fear was loud, angry yelling coming from the living room. Her parents were fighting.

Jake: (VO, from living room) "DAMMIT, HELEN, THAT'S IT! I GO IN THERE EVERY DAY TO FACE A PSYCHOTIC BOSS IN A JOB THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A FREAKIN' SLAVE, THEN I HAVE TO COME HOME AND DEAL WITH THIS!? HOW MUCH AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE !?"

Helen: (VO, from living room) "JAKE, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! IT'S ABOUT HER, HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FITTING IN!"

"SHE DOESN'T WANNA FIT IN, DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T YOU ADMIT THAT!?"

"JAKE, SHE'S A CHILD! SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE!"

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?"

This was followed by the sound of a door slamming, HARD. Next, Quinn heard her father start the car and angrily speed off into the night. Finally, she heard the sound of her mother crying. Her child's mind drew it's own conclusion.

 _No one likes Daria because she's smart._ Quinn thought, _Mommy and Daddy are mad because no one likes Daria. No one likes smart people. If no one likes me Mommy and Daddy will be mad at me just like they're mad at Daria. I need to be friends with everyone so Mommy and Daddy won't be mad anymore. I can't let people know that I'm smart or they'll all hate me!_

This conclusion would rule the next decade of Quinn's life.

* * *

 **Lawndale, NJ, 2019...**

It's recess at Lewis Elementary School. Among the children playing are Quinn's triplet sons, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Tommy and Kevin Jr. are horsing around on the jungle gym with a bunch of other boys while Timmy is playing with Q Ruttheimer and her friends. Teddy and Michelle Wang are sitting off to the side watching TV on Teddy's I-pad. On the I-pad is and image of a man in a tuxedo standing at the altar holding a Barbie doll dressed as a bride.

"What's worse than a grown man playing with Barbie dolls? A grown man marrying a Barbie doll! My Plastic Bride, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Michelle commented "I guess it is possible to never truly grow up."

Teddy said "We see proof of that every day. My Dad's just traded micro machines for actual cars."

Rolling her eyes, Michelle said "And my Dad treats life like he's still in high school. He's been getting on me to hang out with Shane Sloane again."

"Still hoping to get into Winged Tree?" Teddy asked.

Michelle nodded. As if on cue, they're approached by Shane. Shane, as usual, is accompanied by his two lackeys, Al and Lou.

"Hey, weirdos," Shane taunted, "You watching a show about losers?"

Teddy rolls his eyes before saying "For once you've managed to guess right. Tell him what he's won, Vanna."

Without missing a beat, Michelle said "A chance to leave us alone with his self esteem intact."

Al immediately snatched Teddy's I-pad from him and handed it to Shane.

"Well, nice little toy." Shane said in a condescending tone. He immediately dropped in on the ground. "Lou."

Lou stomps on the device so hard that it breaks into several pieces.

"Oops." Shane goaded as he and his buddies moved on to their next victim, who happened to be Timmy. He didn't dare target Tommy due to his growing popularity (and the fact that Tommy punched him once).

Timmy has just finished dressing up a Barbie doll in a rocker chic outfit.

"Whaddaya think, Q?"

Q examined the doll. She nodded approvingly.

"Timmy, you'd make a cool fashion designer."

Spoken like the daughter of a former Fashion Clubber that she is. Timmy's heart skipped a beat as the real reason he's playing with dolls is to impress Q, whom he has a crush on. Suddenly, a shadow is over them. Timmy looks up and gulps with dread as he realizes it's time for his daily harrassment by Shane Sloane and his knuckle dragging followers.

"Hey, Titty," Shane taunted, "Playing with dolls, huh. You are so gay."

Q gives Shane a mean look as Timmy begins to protest.

"I'm NOT gay."

Shane condescendingly asked "Why you doing girls stuff then, faggy."

Q said "Shane, that's mean."

Ignoring her, Shane said "Al."

Al grabs Timmy and stands him up. Shane gets right in the boy's face.

"Here's the deal, Titty. You eat dirt and squeal like a pig and I won't hit you in the nuts."

Shane balls up a fist and prepares to punch Timmy in the groin.

Timmy said "Okay."

Shane nodded. Al threw Timmy into the dirt. Timmy started eating the dirt and making pig like noises while Shane and his buddies laughed.

At the jungle gym Tommy looked away out of embarrassment. They were approached by fourth grader Chucky Ruttheimer, who spoke in his usual snarky monotone.

"Your brother's a pig."

Chucky continued on his way. Off to the side, meanwhile, was a man in glasses with receding brown hair. He observed the goings on with a look of concern on his face.

* * *

 **School Parking Lot, a little later...**

Quinn's white Cadillac pulls into a parking space. She emerges from the driver's side while Jim emerges from the passenger's side. He looks upset.

"Dammit," said Jim, "I can't believe we had to cancel a lunch meeting with a potential sponsor for this."

"Jim," said Quinn, "It's not like we're in a desperate financial situation."

Jim whined "An endorsement from Grace, Sloane and Paige doesn't come along every day, you know."

Quinn said "Be that as it may the kids come first. I'm not putting my career ahead of my family." Under her breath she adds "Like my mother did."

Jim asked "But why did I have to come?"

Quinn said "Research. You need to learn to be a more involved parent."

Just then a Mercedes sedan pulls up in the space next to them. Out emerge Chan and Ming Wang.

"You here," said Chan in a hostile tone, "That explain a lot. Your no good peasant kid get my prodigy daughter in trouble, you stupid guido."

Jim's about to tell Chan off when a stern look from Quinn makes him think better of it. Instead, he opts for changing the subject.

"Nice car, Chan."

Chan bragged "It company car. Unlike you, I get in good with right people. You have no ambition. You on waiting list for Winged Tree? I no think so, stupid peasant."

Jim visibly wants to break Chan's jaw for that one. Chan smirks.

* * *

 **The principal's office, a short time later...**

Both pairs of parents are seated in front of the desk while the principal, Jamie White, sits behind the desk.

Jamie said "Sorry to call you in like this."

Chan said "You better be sorry. I miss out on lunch with boss because of this."

"Chan!" Ming hissed.

Jamie went on to explain.

"The reason I called you in is because our school psychiatrist noticed some behavior patterns among your children that are cause for concern." Jamie speaks into his intercomm. "Ms. Pratt, send Dr. Carlson in, please."

The door opens and Dr. Carlson enters. He's the same man who was observing the kids at recess. He exchanges pleasantries.

"Mr. and Mrs. Carbone."

He shakes hands with Jim and Quinn before turning his attention to Chan and Ming.

"Mr. and Mrs. Wang."

They all sit down.

Ming, with motherly concern, asked "What wrong with Michelle, Dr. Carlson?"

Dr. Carlson begins his explanation.

"Michelle is an exceptionally bright student. She gets straight A's and reads at a middle school level. The problem is that since coming here she's been growing more and more anti-social." He turns to face Jim and Quinn. "I've observed the same thing in your son, Teddy. He and Michelle seem to prefer one another's company to that of the other children, whom they both refuse to interact with."

Quinn immediately springs to her son's defense.

"So? My sister was the exact same way at that age and she turned out fine."

"The problem," Dr. Carlson stated, "Is that this could hinder them both in life. If they don't engage other children they won't acquire the social skills necessary to navigate the adult world. Indeed, their behavior is already causing the other children to view them in a negative light. There's also the problem of your other son, Timothy."

Jim rolls his eyes as he has a pretty good idea what's coming.

Dr. Carlson said "He has interests that, for a boy, are...well...unconventional. He plays dress up with dolls, prefers girls as playmates and tends to shun physical activity."

Jim said "So you're saying our kids are abnormal?"

Dr. Carlson said "Contrast Timmy and Teddy's behavior with that of Tommy. Tommy is very much a typical seven year old boy. He occassionally acts up out of boredom but is ultimately obedient, he makes friends easily and spends his free time actively playing with other boys his age. Timmy, Teddy and Michelle, on the other hand, are...How do I put this lightly?...outsiders. They display alienating behaviors that are increasingly turning other children against them. I felt it necessary to bring this to everyone's attention so that corrective actions can be taken immediately. The behavior of Timmy, Teddy and Michelle could lead to severe social problems down the line. The kinds of problems that lead to mass shootings."

All four parents are now VERY nervous.

* * *

 **Later that day...**

Quinn is driving home while Jim rides shotgun and the three T's ride in the back.

"Timmy," said Jim, "The school's a little concerned that you like to play with dolls. Also, they told us you're being bullied."

Tommy looked at his brother and said "Wuss."

"Tommy!" said Quinn in a stern voice.

Jim continued his lecture.

"Timmy, it's not normal for a boy to play with Barbie dolls. You need to cut that out right now."

Timmy asked "Why?"

Jim said "Because you're a boy and dolls are for girls."

"But, Dad, I like playing with dolls." Timmy whined.

Jim thought _This boy's acting more gay as time goes on. I need to man him up ASAP._ as he said "Look, no more playing with dolls and that's final." in a tone that leaves all three boys visibly frightened and Quinn visibly concerned.

Quinn said "Boys, your father didn't mean that."

Jim fired back.

"The hell I didn't! Quinn, we've been doing it your way for seven years and, big surprise, Timmy acts like a girl and Teddy's a mass shooter in the making."

Rolling his eyes, Teddy said "Funny, I don't feel any urges to kill anyone."

Jim snaps.

"SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO, TEDDY!"

Quinn immediately gets on Jim's case.

"JIM, WHAT THE HELL!?"

Jim turns his anger on his wife.

"DAMMIT, QUINN, WE LOST AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL TODAY BECAUSE THE ONLY ONE OF OUR KIDS WHO ISN'T A WEIRDO IS TOMMY! I'VE HAD IT! MY FATHER WAS RIGHT, YOU DO CODDLE THOSE BOYS, GOD-F$%&ING-DAMMIT!"

The car pulls into the driveway of Casa Carbone. The boys gulp as their parents look ready to kill each other.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are in the kitchen having a very tense dinner. Tommy is talking about his day.

"...but then Kevin Jr. decided to have a belching contest so I decided it was better to let Timmy solve his own problems."

Jim says nothing but glares menacingly at Timmy. Timmy, who's visibly upset, isn't eating. He just stares at his food. Quinn sees this.

"Timmy," she said, "What's wrong?"

Timmy said "I'm just not hungry, Mom."

Quinn asked "Are you upset because Shane picked on you?"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

"You know he harassed me too, right?"

Jim shakes his fist at Teddy.

"Don't talk back to your mother!"

Teddy is totally taken aback by this.

"Dad, I was just saying..."

Jim pounds his fist on the table.

"SPEAK ONLY WHEN SPOKEN TO, GODDAMMIT!"

Quinn instantly springs to her son's defence.

"Jim, what the hell is with you!?"

Jim said "Dammit, you heard what the psychiatrist said. Teddy could become the next mass shooter."

Quinn barked "That's a load of crap, Jim. Teddy just doesn't like to talk to the other kids."

Teddy added "Excpet Michelle."

Jim shakes his fist at Teddy.

"I told you to shut up!"

Quinn said "Jim, I don't know what's got you so wound up but don't you dare take it out on the boys."

Jim said "Dammit, Quinn. You know this is your fault, right? You freakin' coddle those boys. Maybe my father was onto something after all. Maybe Teddy and Timmy would be more normal if I kicked their asses the way my father kicked mine."

Teddy looks indifferent while Timmy looks frightened. Quinn sees Timmy's distress.

"Your father didn't mean that, Timmy. He's just upset."

Jim barked "Damn right I'm upset. Two of our kids have behavior problems because I made the mistake of thinking my father's way was wrong. He was right all along, dammit!"

Quinn decides to call Jim out on what's really going on.

"You're just panicking because some quack psychiatrist thinks he knows what he's talking about and you're afraid it means you're a bad parent!"

Tears start to run down Timmy's face, which Jim notices.

 _Here goes nothing,_ he thought as he barked "Timmy, stop crying!"

Timmy said "I...sniff...I can't help it. I...sod...I'm scared."

Jim said "Well, man the hell up already."

Teddy deadpanned "Yeah, that'll help."

Jim turns his wrath on Teddy.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR GODDAMN LIP, KID!"

Teddy calmly said "Dad, all you're doing is scaring everyone and I..."

The back of Jim's hand strikes Teddy's face so hard that it knocks him out of his chair.

"DON'T BACKTALK ME, GOD-F$%&ING-DAMMIT!"

Quinn gets right in her husbands face.

"JIM, WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Ignoring his wife, Jim barks an order at Teddy.

"GO TO YOUR ROOM, GODDAMMIT!"

Teddy muttered under his breath "Gladly."

Jim heard that and immediately lunged at Teddy. Quinn immediately got in between them as Teddy ran to his room.

"DAMMIT, JIM," she yelled, "WE DON'T USE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT!"

Jim shouted "WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING ELSE WORKS. TEDDY'S A SMARTASS AND TIMMY'S A WUSS! I'M DOING THIS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!"

* * *

 **Later that evening...**

The boys are upstairs in their rooms while downstairs Quinn and Jim continue to fight. Teddy isn't even trying to sleep. He's in his room reading a book in an attempt to ignore all the shouting downstairs.

Jim: (VO, from downstairs) "DAMMIT, QUINN! WE LOST AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL BECAUSE THE SCHOOL CALLED US IN! AM I EXPECTED TO LOSE OPPORTUNITIES...FOR THIS!"

Quinn: (VO, from downstairs) "JIM, YOU'RE OVERREACTING!"

Meanwhile, Timmy is in his room crying. He's frightened by what he hears.

Jim: "I'M NOT OVERREACTING! YOU HEARD WHAT THAT SHRINK SAID! TIMMY AND TEDDY ARE MASS SHOOTERS IN THE MAKING!

Quinn: "NO, THEY AREN'T JIM! SO THEY DON'T FIT NEATLY INTO SOME ARBITRARY CATEGORY, SO WHAT!"

In the living room, the battle rages on. Jim and Quinn look like they could physically attack each other at any moment.

Jim shouted "QUINN, WHAT WE WERE DOING WASN'T WORKING, DAMMIT! WE NEED TO MAKE TIMMY AND TEDDY MORE NORMAL!"

Quinn shouted "BY TREATING THEM LIKE SHIT BECAUSE TEDDY'S A GENIUS AND TIMMY'S NOT INTO TRADITIONAL BOYS STUFF!?"

Jim yelled "YOU'D RATHER THEY GET BULLIED TO THE POINT WHERE THEY SNAP AND REENACT COLUMBINE...OR SANDY HOOK!? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?"

"YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT THAT," Quinn yelled, "BUT I DON'T WANT THEM BEING BRUTALIZED BY THEIR FATHER EITHER!"

"THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW," Jim shouted, "YOUR WAY OBVIOUSLY ISN'T WORKING! MY FATHER WAS RIGHT, TIMMY AND TEDDY NEED THEIR ASSES KICKED FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!"

Quinn got right in her husband's face.

"IF YOU EVER RAISE A HAND TO THOSE BOYS I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HOLD SACRED THAT I'LL TAKE THEM AWAY!"

Jim yelled "IT'S FOR THEIR OWN GOOD!"

Quinn spat back "YOU WANNA BE DIVORCED!? YOU WANNA LOSE ALL PARENTAL RIGHTS OVER THIS ISSUE!?"

Jim said "Fine! I'M OUTTA HERE! YOU WANT ME GONE, I'M FREAKING GONE!"

Quinn is now stunned speechless. Jim grabs the keys to his Camaro.

"HAVE A NICE LIFE, YOU F#$ BITCH!"

He storms out of the house and slams the door so hard that the bolts come out of one of the hinges. Quinn stands in open mouthed shock as she hears the car speed out of the driveway and down the street.

* * *

 **Sometime later...**

A visibly distraught Quinn is in the dinning room having a glass of Amaretto in an attempt to calm herself down. She's lost in her own thoughts.

 _I've never seen Jim this angry before. It's like he just snapped._

Quinn looks thoughtful until she has a sudden look of realization on her face.

 _He's having trouble dealing with his own demons!_

She instantly remembered the time she caught Tony beating Tommy with a belt while Jim was passed out from a panic attack. She then recalled how he'd recently survived an explosion. Then she remembered how Jim and Chan almost got into it in the parking lot at school. She now has an epiphany.

 _He's scared that he isn't measuring up as a parent! This sudden determination to be like his father is driven by panic!_

Quinn now looks somber.

 _I used to wonder how a monster like Tony could spawn someone like Jim. Now it's obvious Jim has that monster in him as well. How could he not? I remember enough of that psychology course to know that Jim's issues are actually common among someone who was abused as a child. My father has those same issues._

Quinn draws a conclusion.

 _Both my father and Jim are hands off parents because they have no idea what they're doing. I guess we need to talk when he gets back...If he comes back._

Quinn pours herself another glass.

* * *

 **A lonely stretch of road...**

Jim's car is parked on the side of the road while a police car with flashing blue lights is parked right behind him. The cop is writing Jim a speeding ticket. He tears off the ticket and hands it to Jim.

"Here ya go, pal."

Jim calmly takes the ticket and frowns. The cop gets back in his car and leaves. Jim resumes driving. As he goes on he looks somber. Speeding in his Camaro helped get out some of the frustration. Getting pulled over managed to calm him down even further.

 _I shouldn't have exploded at my whole family like that. Quinn's right, that shrink's a total quack who has no idea what he's talking about. He probably graduated med school at the bottom of his class. That's why he's a public school psychiatrist instead of something more prestidgious._

Jim sighed. He knew he blew it.

 _I can't believe I got so worked up. I know better._

He thought about it and soon had a realization.

 _Listening to Chan's latest barrage of insults didn't help, nor did losing that endorsement deal. I was already in a really bad mood by the time we reached the pricnipal's office._

Jim now remembers how in his frustration he verbally attacked Timmy and actually hit Teddy. He suddenly has a look of intense guilt on his face.

 _WHAT HAVE I DONE!?_

His face darkened as he remembered why this got him so wound up.

 _I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know how to raise kids without brutalizing them. How can I? It's not like I had a shinning example of a father when I grew up!_

Jim's expression becomes one of Jake like rage as he pounds the dash.

"GOD-F$%&ING-DAMN YOU, OLD MAN!"

* * *

 **A cheap motel, sometime later...**

Jim is undressed in a hotel room getting ready to go to bed. He looks sad as he stares at his I-phone.

 _I can't call home. Quinn and the boys are probably in bed already. Even so, how do I explain my going off like that? How do I know I won't do it again? My father was wrong, I know that much, but I have no idea what's right._

He pulls up an image of him with Quinn and the boys. They're all happy in the picture.

 _Should I go back in the morning? Should I even call them?_

Jim shuts off his I-Phone and gets into bed. He looks too troubled to sleep.

 _They're better off without me._

* * *

 **The cheap motel, day...**

A fully showered and dressed Jim emerges from the bathroom. He hears the instrumental track "Eruption" by Van Halen coming from his I-phone. Jim immediately picks up the phone and looks at the number.

"J and Q Carbone, 555-7716"

He sighs.

 _Quinn's calling from home._

Jim answers.

"Hey, Quinn."

On the other end of the line Quinn said "Jim, where are you?"

Jim explained "I didn't think it was a good idea to come home so I spent the night in a motel. A shitty one frequented by whores and junkies."

"Jim, could you come home? We'd need to talk and I think it'd be better if we had the conversation face to face."

Jim's puzzled. The previous nights blowout was so bad he expected to find divorce papers waiting for him when he did come home.

"You sure, Quinn? I mean...well...you did threaten to leave me and take the kids."

Quinn said "I was just upset. I think we both said and did things we shouldn't have. Now that we've had some time to cool off I want you to come home so we can work this out."

"Okay," said Jim, "I can be there in an hour."

With that they both hung up.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, an hour later...**

Jim walks up to the front door and opens it. He finds Quinn in the living room waiting for him. They both sit down and start talking.

"Quinn," said Jim, "I'm sorry about last night. I just got so worked up that I lost control. I shouldn't have yelled at you and Timmy and I definitely shouldn't have hit Teddy. I'm sorry."

Quinn said "I know, Jim. What I don't get is why you were so wound up in the first place. I mean, I have an idea but I'd rather hear your side of events."

Jim sighed as he prepared to explain.

"I was really looking forward to that endorsement deal from Grace, Sloan and Paige. Losing it because we got called in by the school put me in a very lousy mood. Then, we get to the school and the first thing that happens is Chan opens his damn mouth and starts ripping into me just to make himself feel better. Then we get in there and they tell us what happened to the boys during recess and I remembered how Shane Sloane can get away with anything because his parents are stinking rich. Then that quack of a psychiatrist spins a doomsday scenario about what might happen if Timmy and Teddy don't act more, quote unquote, conventional. I just lost it. I felt like a complete failure as a parent. I'm supposed to know how to do this and I don't."

Quinn gives her husband a sympathetic look.

"Jim," she said, "It's unrealistic to expect a boy with Teddy's intelligence to fit in. He only has one friend and he'll probably never be a joiner but he's gonna be fine. Daria proves that. She was the exact same way at Teddy's age and she turned out just fine."

Jim asked "What about Timmy?"

Quinn said "Jim, I talked with him. You know why he was playing with dolls?"

Jim shook his head.

Quinn explained "He was trying to impress a girl. He has a crush on Quinn Ruttheimer."

Jim looked very relieved.

"So, he's not gay?"

"No," said Quinn, "Why would you have a problem if he was?"

Jim said "He's my flesh and blood, he carries my name. Everything he does, everything all three of the boys do, is a reflection on me. If one of them were even suspected of being gay people will interpret that as a sign that I'm weak."

Quinn shook her head dismissively.

"That's your father talking."

Jim hangs his head in shame.

"I know." His expression darkens. "Goddamn, rigid, sadistic, TESTOSTERONE DRUNK PSYCHOPATH SONOFA..."

"JIM!"

Quinn's Helen like bark snaps Jim out of his Jake like rant.

"Sorry!"

Moving on, Quinn asked "What about the other stuff?"

Jim said "I'm still messed up from what happened at Allmart."

Quinn understood that.

"Jim, you were nearly killed in an explosion. How could you, how could anyone, not be messed up after something like that? Jim, therapy helped me after Jeffy killed himself."

Jim said "I attended that PTSD support group."

Quinn replied "For only one session, and Trent told me about your little freakout with the aerosol can."

Jim blushes with embarrassment.

"That's why I never went back. I'm too embarrassed."

Quinn understands that better than most.

"Jim, you can't let other people's opinion of you rule your life. Believe me, I used to do that. It's no way to live. Yeah, I was popular, but I hated every minute of it because I was being fake."

Jim said "Okay, I'll go into therapy, but I'd rather no one know about it. I don't need the ridicule."

Quinn nodded in agreement.

"Speaking of ridicule," she said, "Why don't you stand up to Chan when he gets on your ass with his superiority complex?"

Jim said "Because he's Asian and I'm white. I have to stand there and take it because people will think I'm racist if I don't."

Quinn asked "Says who?"

"You. Remember when I didn't wanna go to there cookout?"

Quinn suddenly remembers.

* * *

 **A few months earlier...**

Quinn said "Jim, honey, if you don't make nice with Chan people are going to assume you don't like him because he's Asian. They'll all think that you, Jim Carbone, are a racist."

Jim said "That's ridiculous. I'm not racist. One of my best friends is black, for chrissake."

Quinn said "You could still be prejudiced against Asians."

Jim said "Quinn, you know me better than that. I don't like Chan because he's condescending and rude. This has nothing to do with him being Asian and everything to do with him being an asshole."

Folding her arms, Quinn said "That's not how it'll look to people who see you two not getting along."

Frustrated, Jim said "What!? I can only have a problem with someone if they're white."

Quinn said "Yes. It's not fair, but that's the way it is."

* * *

 **Present day...**

Quinn admitted "Okay, but enough's enough. White priviledge doesn't give minorities the right to verbally abuse people. Next time Chan gets on your case fire back at him. If he plays the race card that just proves what a self entitled jerk he is. I know you're not racist, our friends know you aren't racist. You shouldn't let Chan walk all over you out of fear of what total strangers will think."

Jim nodded.

"Makes sense. So does this...Since I don't know how to parent could you teach me? I just follow your example."

Quinn said "Of course. We handle everything as a team, and that means using our individual strengths to compensate for one another's weaknesses."

Jim now looks worried.

"What if I can't control my temper?"

Quinn's childhood gave her the perfect answer to that.

"If you feel yourself getting mad direct that anger at something other than me or the boys. That's what my dad always did."

Jim looks thoughtful.

"Okay. Sorry I went crazy last night."

Quinn smiled.

"I forgive you, Jim."

With that, they hugged.

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, the next day...**

Jim and Quinn arrive and park their car. Chan and Ming pull up right next to them. Chan is in a lousy mood.

"But, Ming," said Chan, "Why I have to miss work again?"

Ming said "Because school want both parents here for follow up meeting."

Chan decides to take his frustration out on Jim.

"This your fault, stupid guinea."

Jim said "How's it my fault?"

Chan said "Your delinquent kids lead my little girl astray, you stupid peasant."

"Shut up, Chan."

Chan is totally taken aback.

"I no shut up, you racist."

Jim said "I'm not racist. Now shut your damn hole."

Chan said "Or you do what, ginzo?"

Jim said "Or I kick you ass, right here and now."

Chan spat back "I call police, crazy barbarian."

Ming gets right in her husbands face.

"Jim not only one sick of your attitude, Chan. Shut up or after Jim kick your ass I kick your ass and make you sleep on couch."

Accepting defeat, Chan mutters a few obscenities in Mandarin.

* * *

 **The principals office...**

Both sets of parents are in there while Dr. Carlson speaks.

"I therefore feel that Timmy, Teddy and Michelle could benefit from care in a psychiatric hospital."

Chan spat "Michelle no crazy. Carbone kids need to be locked away like filth they are."

Ming ominously hissed "Chan!"

That shut him up.

Quinn said "We're not committing our boys."

Dr. Carlson said "They need to be rehabilitated."

Quinn said "If anyone needs rehabilitation it's Shane Sloane. He bullies the other kids and never suffers any consequences."

Dr. Carlson said "Mrs. Carbone, you're projecting."

Quinn said "And you're a quack."

Jamie interrupts.

"Quinn, you know perfectly well that the school board has us under strict orders to let Shane do whatever he wants."

Dr. Carlson said "Please, we need to focus on your boys and their problems."

Quinn said "And I'm going to solve their biggest problem right now."

Quinn whips out her I-phone and dials a number.

"Hey, Stacy, how would you like the inside scoop on a hot story about school board corruption."

Jamie immediately sweats profusely.

Dr. Carlson asked "What's she doing, Mr. White?"

Jamie said "Calling her friend, Stacy Ruttheimer from WSBC News."

Dr. Carlson turns white as a sheet.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are in the living room watching the evening news.

Stacy: (on TV) "In order to keep the money coming in the school board ordered the administration and faculty at Lewis Elementary to let the boy do whatever he wants. As such, the student has become a major bully who never suffers consequences for his actions. The state attorneys office is now investigating. Stacy Ruttheimer, WSBC News."

At this point Quinn's I-phone goes off. She answers.

"Hello?...Hey, Jamie...That's wonderful...Thanks, bye."

She hangs up.

"Good news. Because of this story Mr. White was ordered to give Shane detention for the rest of the school year. The days of his tormenting you at recess are over."

Timmy said "Yes!"

Teddy said "About time."

Tommy said "Now that he's gone I can get Al and Lou to do MY bidding."

Ignoring what Tommy said, Quinn turns to Jim.

"Jim, don't you have something to say to Timmy and Teddy."

Jim takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. Timmy, I didn't mean to get on your case like I did. There's nothing wrong with playing whatever games you want as long as no one gets hurt. Teddy, I'm sorry I smacked you. It'll never happen again, I promise. Forgive me?"

Teddy said "No."

Jim looks hurt.

"Teddy, I promise it'll never happen again."

Teddy said "It happened once. How are you making that up to me?"

Jim begged "Please, I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."

Teddy said "A hundred bucks will do."

Jim looks like he's about to lose it. He takes a deep breath to calm himself down.

"Okay."

Jim takes a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and hands it to Teddy. He then hands another to Timmy.

"This is to make up for getting on your case the other night."

Timmy said "Thanks, Dad."

"Hey!" said Tommy, "What about me?"

Jim said "But I didn't yell at you or hit you?"

Tommy said "You still scared me."

Jim grumbles as he hands Tommy a hundred.

"You know, Dad," said Teddy, "You did hit me. Maybe I deserve a little extra."

Jim gives his wife a 'help me' look.

"Jim, give them each another hundred and don't try to negotiate. Boys, you each get another hundred and that's it."

Jim grudgingly hands them each another hundred dollars. Teddy flashes a Daria like smirk.

 **End Chapter.**


	29. The Naked Truth

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 29**

 **"The Naked Truth"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Thompson house, day...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck are on the porch having some beer and enjoying a warm spring day. Kevin is also smoking a cigarette. Mack asked "So, what are you guys up to this weekend?"

Kevin takes a drag off of his cigarette before answering.

"I'm, like, going to Niagara Falls."

Jim looks puzzled.

"Alone?"

Kevin nodded.

"No choice, man. Brittany's going to a fitness workshop with Daryl in Miami".

As if on cue, Brittany emerges from the house as Daryl's car pulls up. Brittany walks up to the car. Kevin called out to her "Have fun, babe!"

Brittany has a sly grin. She said "You bet I will, Kevie. Daryl's planned some...um...,"she struggles to come up with something bleieveable, but can't, "...I'll have fun."

She hurriedly runs into Daryl's car. Once she's inside the car speeds off.

Turning back to the guys, Kevin said "Good thing I can trust Daryl to keep an eye on her. He's a real friend."

The other guys shake their heads as it's obvious that Kevin still doesn't know that Brittany and Daryl are having an affair. Chuck decides to change the subject.

"Hey, Jim, how's your computer doing?"

Jim sighed.

"Teddy disabled the parental controls you installed because Tommy wanted to look at online porn."

Chuck, who runs his own IT business and usually handles Jim and Quinn's IT needs, said "I'll fix it free of charge."

Jim sighed again. Now for the hard part.

"Chuck," he said, "Nothing personal but Quinn wanted me to get a second opinion so we talked to Nerd Herd. They installed a new security system, completely hacker proof."

Chuck looks like he was stabbed in the gut. Feeling guilty, Jim explained "Chuck, I'm sorry, but business is business. Besides, Feisty IT has plenty of other clients."

Sounding very hurt, Chuck said "But I thought we were friends!?"

Jim said "We ARE friends, Chuck. But I can't always put that ahead of business. Quinn and I depend on a secure computer to make a living."

Chuck looks like he was stabbed in the heart.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are at the kitchen table having dinner. Jim looks down, which Quinn notices.

"Jim," she said, "Is something the matter?"

Jim answered "Chuck found out we used Nerd Herd for our last IT upgrade."

Quinn replied "So? I told Stacy and she understands."

"Chuck wasn't so understanding." Jim explained, "He took the fact that we used his competition as a personal insult."

The boys interrupt. Tommy asked "Why didn't you have Mr. Ruttheimer fix the computer?"

"Yeah." added Timmy, "I thought he was your friend."

Jim gives his wife an accusing look as it was her idea to try someone else. Feeling guilty, Quinn explained to the boys "Mr. Ruttheimer is our friend and Mrs. Ruttheimer is my best friend."

Teddy commented "I guess friendship stops at the almighty dollar, then."

Quinn gives Teddy a stern look. After a moment, her look softens and she tells her sons "You boys will understand when you're older."

Tommy and Timmy look questioningly at Teddy, who sighs. He then explained to his brothers "That's what parents usually say when you ask them a question they don't wanna answer."

Quinn immediately decides to change the subject.

"So, are you boys looking forward to spending a weekend with Aunt Daria?"

Tommy shrugged.

"Aunt Daria's kinda weird, but she lives in New York and that kinda makes up for it."

Quinn regrets changing the subject.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, Friday afternoon...**

Quinn is in the kitchen wearing a white bathrobe. She has a bottle of sunscreen in one hand and a mischievous grin on her face.

 _It's a warm spring afternoon, Jim's taking the kids to New York and I'm feeling a little naughty._

Quinn opens the sliding glass door that leads to the back yard complete with swimming pool and Jacuzzi. Once outside, she places the sunscreen by a lounge chair.

 _A dip in the pool followed by some sunbathing is just the thing._

Quinn begins to untie her bathrobe. The bathrobe falls onto the deck, revealing that she's completely naked underneath.

 _None of the neighbors are home. Even so, the fence is high enough that no one will see me. I feel so alive when I skinny dip and sunbathe nude._

With that, Quinn dives into the pool.

* * *

 **Sometime later...**

Quinn emerged from the pool and made her way to the lounge chair. Intending to sunbathe nude, she applies sunscreen all over her body. When that's done Quinn lets out a serene sigh.

 _God, I love being naked under the sun._

Unbeknownst to Quinn, Chuck is hiding in a tree in the Thompsons back yard and secretly filming everything with a camcorder. He thought _You terminate my services so let's see what happens when I put this on Pornhub. Ah, Sweet revenge!_

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Jim has just come back from taking the boys to spend the weekend with Daria. He enters the living room and sees Quinn seated on the couch wearing the white bathrobe she had on earlier. She looks up and sees Jim.

Quinn asked "How was the trip, hon? The kids behave themselves?"

"Yeah," said Jim, "How was your day?"

Quinn grins seductively.

"Nothing special. Just some skinny dipping and nude sunbathing."

Now, Jim grins.

"Why, you naughty girl?"

Quinn gets up and walks seductively toward her husband.

"I'm your naughty girl and don't you forget it. You feeling...," Her voice takes on an erotic tone, "...frisky? I was hoping we could do something special."

Jim plays dumb but grins as he knows what his wife has in mind.

"What kind of special?"

Quinn said "You, me, the Jacuzzi, some wine and no clothes kind of special. You're not too tired, are you?"

Jim said "A little. A two hour drive takes a lot out of a man."

Quinn drops her robe to the floor and stands before her husband completely naked. The sight of his wife's nude body causes Jim to grin.

"I think I just got a second wind."

* * *

 **The back yard, a short time later...**

Quinn and Jim are naked in the Jacuzzi drinking wine.

Jim said "This brings back memories."

Quinn replied by asking "Remember how we used to spend our summer evenings before we had kids?"

Smiling with fond nostalgia, Jim said "Nude hot tubbing that usually ended with us getting it on in the Jacuzzi. How could I forget something like that? When's the last time we did this anyway?"

"When we were trying to conceive."

Quinn stands up in front of her husband, giving him a full frontal view of her naked body. Jim likes what he sees. He said "Would you hold it against me if I said you're even hotter now than before you had kids?"

Quinn lamented "I never lost all the weight I gained during the pregnancy."

Jim said "The only part of your body that didn't go back to your pre-pregnancy shape is your boobs, so I fail to see a problem."

Quinn sits back down. She and Jim kiss deeply. As she moans into her husband's mouth Quinn slides a hand under the water and grabs...something. Jim's eyes go wide as now he moans. The kiss breaks. Quinn whispers in her husbands ear in an erotic tone.

"You want me. I can...," she licks his face, "...feel it."

Jim grunted "Yeah...baby..."

After another passionate kiss, Quinn cooed "Jim, being with you like this brings out the horny slut in me."

Jim grins.

"You're MY horny slut."

Quinn said "You bet I am...," she kisses his cheek, "...stud."

They French kiss. After the kiss breaks Quinn speaks in an urgent and erotic tone.

"Take me."

Neither of them realize that at that very moment Chuck is once again hiding in the tree in the Thompson's back yard and secretly filming everything. His lecherous grin lets us know that he's in full Upchuck mode.

 _GRRRRR! Feisty!_

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Jim is in the home office sorting through some bills when Quinn enters. She's wearing a transparent blouse over a lacy black bra and a gray mini skirt so skimpy that if she were to sit down or bend over she'd flash her panties.

In a seductive tone, she said "Hey, Jim."

Jim looks up and his jaw nearly drops.

"Quinn, why are you dressed like that?"

She saunters over to him.

"Since we have the house to ourselves this weekend I decided we should take full advantage."

Jim grins.

"What'd you have in mind?" he asked.

Quinn said "A steamy round of 'Horny Boss and Slutty Secretary'."

Jim needed no further encouragement.

"The bills can DEFINITELY wait!"

He immediately closes the blinds on the window. Quinn walks right up to him.

"So," she said in a playfully erotic tone, "What do I have to do to get a promotion...sexy."

Quinn and Jim start making out. They don't see the webcam light blink on their computer, indicating that it's recording.

* * *

 **Ruttheimer House, at that very moment...**

In the basement Chuck is at one of two computers. He grins in triumph.

"I can't believe they bought Nerd Herd's 'completely hacker proof line'. After all, I was able to break in and activate the webcam from my own basement."

Chuck goes over to a second computer. This one is open to his PornHub memberpage. The member's screen name is "Senor Suavecito".

 _Time to move in for the kill!_

He clicks upload on his memberpage.

* * *

 **Thompson house, day...**

 **Music:** "Partition" by Beyonce (plays throughout whole scene as it's a montage)

Ultra is seated at his computer. He has a lecherous grin on his face. We don't see what he's looking at, but...

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) OH...YES...JIM...YES...

Ultra said "Dude, Mrs. Carbone's a total MILF!"

 **Tom's office suite at Grace, Sloan and Paige...**

Tom is looking at his computer.

 **Jim:** (VO, from computer) Ugh...yeah...Quinn...so...so...

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) SHUTUP...F$%&ME...YES...YES...

Tom thought _Way to go, Jim!_

 **Sloan mansion, day...**

In the study Tom's wife, Tori Sloan (nee Jericho) is staring at the computer. Her expression is a mix of shock and curiosity.

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) HARDER...JIM...F#$%...ME...HARDER...YES...YESYESYES...

She thought _Tom and I should try that move._

 **An apartment building in Brooklyn, day...**

Jim's uncle, Vito, is watching online porn.

 **Jim:** (VO, from computer) OH...YEAH...

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) SO...GOOD...YOU...F%$& ME SO GOOD...OHGODYES...

Vito grins.

"Awright, Jim!"

 **Morgendorffer Haus, day...**

Jake is at his computer.

"I wonder if Quinn has another video up."

He clicks on the first sight without looking. Cut to the computer screen and we see that it's not YouTube but PornHub. Cut away from the computer.

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) Jim, being with you like this brings out the horny slut in me. Take me.

Jake's eyes go wide in shock.

"GAH!"

* * *

 **Lewis Elementary School, day...**

It's recess for the first and fourth graders. Tommy and Timmy are visibly wondering why all the other kids are looking at them funny and snickering.

Tommy said "Timmy, did you do something really girly?"

Timmy shrugged.

"No."

Not believing him, Tommy asked "Then why's everyone laughing at us?"

Meanwhile, Teddy is sitting on a bench reading a book. Michelle Wang comes over and sits next to him. She puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Teddy asked "Michelle, what are you doing?"

Michelle said "I just want you to know I don't care what everyone else thinks, we're still friends."

Teddy is visibly puzzled.

"Michelle, what are you talking about?"

Michelle is visibly surprised.

"You mean you don't know!?"

Teddy shakes his head. Michelle now looks sheepish. She said "You haven't heard the rumor, have you?"

"What rumor?"

Michelle looks like she's about to speak, but chickens out. She motions for Teddy to lean in towards her. Teddy does this. Michelle then whispers in his ear what's going on. Teddy's eyes go wide and his jaw drops. Tommy and Timmy, who still have no idea what's going on, are approached by Kevin Jr.

Kevin Jr. said "My brother showed me those videos your parents made over the weekend. I can't believe they did that."

"Did what?" asked Tommy.

Kevin Jr. answered :Made a nude video."

Tommy and Timmy both gasp in shock. At this point Chuck and Stacy's son, Chucky, walks by.

Chucky, in his usual monotone snark, said "Your parents made a porno."

He continues on his way.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, day...**

In the kitchen Quinn is loading a tray of unbaked cupcakes into the oven while a tripod mounted camera films the whole thing.

To the camera, Quinn said "Now, the waiting game."

The phone rings, prompting Quinn to shut off the camera and answer.

"Hello?"

A VERY upset Helen is on the other end of the line.

"Quinn Louise Morgendorffer Carbone," the retired lawyer said to her daughter with righteous indignation, "You have some explaining to do young lady!"

Quinn, not sure what to make of this, asked "Mom, what's going on?"

Helen barked "Your latest video almost gave your father a heart attack."

Quinn is visibly puzzled.

"How could a video about skin treatments upset Dad? He didn't have a heart attack, did he?"

"No," Helen hissed, "And don't take me for a fool. That's not the video I'm talking about."

Quinn said "It's the last video I uploaded."

Helen immediately flew into a rage.

"DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME, YOUNG LADY! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR AND JIM'S RECENT PERVERSIONS!"

Quinn now becomes angry.

"Look, Mom, I'm in the middle of making a video. This conversation will have to wait."

Helen barked "DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ANOTHER VIDEO THAT OBJECTIFIES WOMEN!"

Quinn immediately hangs up. She doesn't know what to make of the exchange.

 _That was sooooo weird._

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the garage...**

Jim is making an unboxing video of some tools he ordered. His I-phone goes off. Jim shuts off the camera and answers.

"Hello?"

Uncle Vito is on the other end of the line.

"Hey, Jimmy, I saw your latest video! Way to go!"

Puzzled, Jim said "Uncle Vito, all I did was install custom exhausts on Tom's Lamborghini."

In a suggestive tone, Vito said "So, that's what you call it these days. Loved the way you stuck it in her."

Jim thinks Vito's talking about cars, not sex.

"My movements were pretty fluid when I attached that new tailpipe, weren't they?"

Vito now looks puzzled.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, evening...**

Quinn, Jim and the boys are at the kitchen table having dinner and talking. Quinn is telling them about her day.

"...I tried calling my mom later but got my dad. He totally freaked out and hung up when I started talking."

Jim said "I've been getting weird calls like that all day. The guys have also been making some suggestive sounding comments to me."

Timmy immediately speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, what's a porno?"

Jim spits out his drink while Quinn nearly chokes on her food. Once they both recover...

"Um...Why do you ask?" said Quinn.

Tommy said "Everyone was acting weird at school today and Chucky said it's because you guys made a porno."

Jim and Quinn now look both puzzled and awkward.

* * *

 **The home office, a short time later...**

Jim is at the computer while a visibly upset Quinn is pacing back and forth.

"You sure you wanna do this?" Jim asked.

Quinn said "Yes. Our name's are being besmirched by look alike porn stars. I wanna find out who so we can sue their asses for defamation."

Jim googles his and Quinn's names. They are both surprised to see that the first site to come up is not YouTube but PornHub.

Jim said "Here goes nothing."

He clicks on the page.

 **Jim:** (VO, from computer) UGH...YEAH...GONNA...

 **Quinn:** (VO, from computer) DO IT...FILL ME...YES...YES...OFGODYES...AHHHHHHHH!

Jim and Quinn's eyes go wide.

"HOLY SHIT!" Jim exclaimed, "Those aren't look alikes!"

It now dawns on both of them that their intimate moments have been secretly video taped and put up for the whole world to see.

 **Quinn:** OH...

 **Jim:** MY...

 **Quinn:** ...GOD...

 **Both:** GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

* * *

 **Thompson house, day...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck are hanging out on the porch drinking beer. As usual, Kevin is also smoking a cigarette. Jim's explaining the situation with the leaked sex tapes.

"...so not only do Quinn and I have a stalker but he's been putting footage of our intimate moments on PornHub."

Kevin said "Whoa! Cool!"

The other guys scowl at Kevin, even Chuck in an effort to maintain his cover.

Mack told the former QB "You wouldn't say that if it happened to you."

Jim said "It's bad enough that our privacy was invaded, but one of the videos was filmed from the tree in your back yard."

Now, Kevin understands.

"Dude, that's twisted!"

In an insincere tone Chuck said "Gee, what a shame."

Jim glares at Chuck. His brief glare gives way to a defeated sigh.

"Go ahead and say it."

Chuck asked "Say what, Jim?"

"'I told you so'," said Jim, "Look, Chuck, I was wrong to trust Nerd Herd. Quinn and I were seduced by a low price tag and a too-good-to-be-true promise. Feisty IT never let me down like this."

Chuck now becomes indignant.

"So, you turned your back on our friendship AND all my years of giving you reliable tech service to save a few bucks. Some friend you are."

Jim visibly feels guilty. He doesn't even suspect that Chuck's the one responsible for all of this. He said "It was the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to save money and got swindled. Nerd Herd's software couldn't stop a horny perv from hacking us. Chuck, Quinn and I want you to help fix this."

Chuck defiantly said "You mean until you toss me aside the next time my competition makes an offer that's too good to be true."

"Chuck," Jim pleaded, "I'll never do that again. I swear on my mother I'll never do that again."

Chuck smirks. He decides to make Jim REALLY beg for it.

"Why should I help you now?"

Jim pleads.

"I know you're upset. I'll pay you double."

With an air of superiority, Chuck said "You think you can bribe me for my forgiveness, think again."

Jim becomes desperate.

"Chuck, please. Do it for double pay AND to repair our friendship."

Condescending, Chuck said "Oh, So now I'm your friend. I'm your so-called 'friend' when you want something. Am I still your friend when the shoe's on the other foot?"

Jim is now reduced to groveling.

"Whatever you want, Chuck. Name it and it's yours. I'll gladly help you whenever you need it, not just because I owe you but because I'm your friend. Please, I need your help."

Chuck goes from condescending to visibly moved. He wipes a stray tear from his eye.

"Jeez, I was only holding out for an extra hundred bucks."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Chuck is in the home office and has just finished working on the computers. He turns to Quinn and Jim.

"Well, I've removed the malware and upgraded the security systems. While it's still possible to hack you guys it's now much more difficult."

Neither Jim nor Quinn suspect that Chuck's the one responsible for their misfortune. Jim writes Chuck a check.

"Here you go. Thanks for doing this."

Chuck takes the check and smiles.

"My pleasure."

Quinn walks up to him. She feels that she owes him an apology. "Chuck, switching to Nerd Herd was my idea. I'd like to apologize. I shouldn't have doubted you. I'm sorry."

Chuck said "You're forgiven." He looks at his watch, "I'm going next door. Kevin and Brittany want me to install motion activated security cameras."

"How come?" asked Quinn.

Jim explained "Whoever filmed us in the pool did it from a tree in the Thompson's back yard."

Chuck added "Brittany totally freaked when she found out."

Quinn giggled.

"I bet." _She's probably afraid someone will film her with Daryl and show it to Kevin._

Chuck leaves.

* * *

 **Meanwhile, in the Ruttheimer's basement...**

Stacy is bringing down some laundry. She notices that one of Chuck's computers is on.

 _Weird. He usually shuts them off when he's not here._

Curious, she puts down the laundry basket and goes over to the computer. She looks at the monitor screen and gasps. She sees that it's a PornHub member page. The member name is "Senor Suavecito".

 _Senor Suavecito!? This is Chuck's PornHub account!?_

She clicks on the first video. It's Quinn skinny dipping in her pool. Stacy immediately looks away in shock and disgust. She spots something on the desk. It's a schematic of both the Carbone and Thompson properties. The tree in the Thompson's back yard is marked as "observation point". Stacy now puts two and two together.

"Of all the dumb, immature..."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn is in the home office going through the paperwork when the phone rings. She answers.

"Hello?"

A royally pissed off Stacy is on the other end.

"Quinn, you won't believe what I just found out."

* * *

 **The street, an hour later...**

Jim's Camaro pulls up the street. He sees that Chuck's car is still by his house.

 _He must still be working on the Thompson's place._

Jim pulls into the driveway. He gets out of the car and makes his way to the front door with a bag of groceries. At the Thompson's front porch, meanwhile, Kevin and Brittany are seeing Chuck off.

Kevin said "Thanks again, man."

Chuck said "No problem."

He looks over at Casa Carbone and sees Quinn rush out to Jim. He doesn't hear what she tells him. Chuck quickly figures out what's being said when Jim drops the groceries, turns around and the sight of Chuck makes him suddenly go into a murderous rage.

"CHUCK, YOU GODDAMN SONOFABITCH! YOU WENT TOO FAR THIS TIME!"

Chuck is terrified as it's obvious Jim knows who made those sex tapes and leaked them.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

In a panic, he runs toward his car as Jim chases after him. Chuck is in such a panic that he drops his keys and they slide down a storm drain.

"OH, SHIT!"

Jim runs toward Chuck.

"DAMMIT, CHUCK, I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"

Chuck immediately runs and cowers behind his car. Panicked, he cries out "JIM, PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME!"

Jim shouted "I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS EVEN HARDER IF YOU DON'T GET OVER HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Jim lunges toward the back of the car. Chuck runs to the front.

"JIM, PLEASE, YOU NEVER SHOULD'VE FIRED ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LIKE, I'M CAPABLE OF ANY CRAZY THING!"

Jim is far too angry to listen to reason.

"YOU VIOLATED MY PRIVACY AND THE SANCTITY OF MY MARRIAGE, ASSHOLE!"

Jim charges at Chuck. Chuck moved to the side of his car facing the street.

"JIM, PLEASE, HAVE MERCY!"

"I'LL GIVE YOU MERCY, ALRIGHT! I'LL PAY SOME OF YOUR MEDICAL COSTS AFTER I F#$ PUT YOU IN A WHEELCHAIR!"

Further up the street Ultra is driving his Trans-Am while Lauren's in the passenger seat. He bragged to his girlfriend "You know, I recently got a supercharger put on this thing, babe. Check this out."

Ultra floors it. Meanwhile, Jim is in the middle of the street while Chuck is cowering by his car.

Jim shouted "TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, YOU F$%^ING DOUCHEBAG!"

Jim is too focused on Chuck to notice that he's in the path of a speeding Trans-Am. Chuck sees the car.

"JIM, LOOKOUT!"

Chuck immediately lunges at Jim. Inside the Trans Am Lauren sees Jim right in the cars path. Ultra isn't paying attention.

"ULTRA, LOOKOUT!"

Ultra looks ahead and sees that he's speeding toward Jim.

"AHHHH!"

Chuck shoves Jim out of the way just in time. Ultra slams on the brakes but not in time to avoid hitting Chuck. Chuck rolls up the hood before falling unconscious into the street. Seeing what happened snaps Jim out of his rage.

"CHUCK!"

He runs over to the unconscious Chuck.

"Chuck! Chuck, say something!"

Chuck just lays there motionless.

Jim said "You...That car would've hit me! You saved my life! I...," Jim now feels bad about trying to throw Chuck a beating, "I guess this makes us even for what you did. Who am I kidding? We're more than even. You took a head on hit for me. Chuck, you're one of my best friends."

Jim is about to cry when Chuck opens his eyes.

"Ow!" said Chuck, "That hurt even worse than the explosion at Allmart!"

Jim is visibly relieved.

"You're alive! Thank God! How are you feeling!"

Chuck sits up.

"Dizzy, I think I have a concussion."

He tries to get up.

"OWWWWW!"

He rubs his right shoulder.

"Make that a concussion and a dislocated shoulder."

* * *

 **A banquet hall, evening, a week later...**

Jim, Quinn and the boys are being led toward the place by Daria and Jane. Quinn and Jim are both blindfolded.

Quinn said "I can't believe this."

Jim said "First, your parents make us cancel our original anniversary plans. Then, your sister, Jane and our kids kidnapp and blindfold us."

Jane rolls her eyes.

"Normally, Daria's the one who has to be dragged kicking and screaming."

Once inside, the blindfolds are removed. Quinn and Jim open their eyes and see everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, under a banner that reads "Happy Anniversary, Quinn and Jim".

 **Whole crowd:** SURPRISE!

* * *

Later on, everyone's seated at a table.

Jim said "You guys didn't have to do this."

His brother, Chris, and Lindy spoke up.

Lindy said "We decided it was overdue given what happened at your wedding reception."

Chris added "That's why we didn't include Dad. This way he won't get to ruin it."

Sandi hands Quinn and Jim a wrapped gift. Quinn opens it. It's a framed photo of her, Jim, Sandi, Stacy, Chuck and Tiffany from thirteen years ago. The caption reads "Friends 4 Life".

Sandi explained "I was saving this for someone special...," she suddenly looks sad, "...but I guess he's never coming back."

Sandi proceeds to cry uncontrollably. Cut to Chuck. His arm's in a sling. Ultra is talking to him.

"Like, thanks for not suing me, Mr. Ruttheimer."

Chuck said "Considering what I did to Quinn and Jim I deserved to get hit by a Trans Am.," He turns to Quinn and Jim, "By the way, sorry about that."

"You're forgiven." said Quinn.

Jim added "Besides, if it weren't for your spiteful, vindictive nature I wouldn't know just how much of a beating a friendship can take."

Jim raises his glass.

"To friends and family."

They all clink their glasses together. The scene now becomes a musical montage of everyone laughing and having fun. The song is a familiar one.

 _When the aliens come_

When the death rays hum

When the bombers bomb

We'll still be freakin' friends

When the whip comes down

When they nuke the town

When dead clowns can't clown

We'll still be freakin' friends

Freakin' Friends

Freakin' Friends

'Til we come to bad ends we're freakin' friends

End Chapter.


	30. Kevin's Obsession

**Opening Montage**

 **Music:** "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...

 **"Life After Thirty"**

 **Ep. 30**

 **"Kevin's Obsession"**

 **written by**

 **WildDogJJ**

 **Thompson House, day...**

Kevin, Jim, Chuck and Mack are seated on the front porch enjoying the early summer day while drinking beer. Kevin is also smoking a cigarette. He looks at Jim's house next door. Taking a drag on his smoke he marvels at how wonderful Jim's lawn looks.

"Hey, Jim," he said, "Can I borrow your lawn mower?"

Jim flatly said "No."

Disappointed, Kevin asked "Why not?"

Jim said "Because the last time I lent you my mower you returned it with dinged blades and I had to have the electrical system repaired because you spilled beer on the control panel."

Kevin next turned to Mack.

"Hey, Mack-Daddy, can I borrow your lawn mower?"

"Quit calling me that," Mack groaned, "and no, for the same reasons Jim won't let you have his."

He tries Chuck next.

"Upchuck, can I..."

Chuck doesn't even let him finish.

"No, and don't call me Upchuck. Besides, I don't own a lawn mower. Stacy and I have a professional service do our lawn."

Kevin is genuinely surprised at this.

"You can pay someone else to mow your lawn!? Cool!"

The other three guys roll their eyes in disbelief.

* * *

 **Thompson's living room, the following afternoon...**

Kevin is trying to convince his wife, Brittany, to pay for a lawn care service.

"Absolutely not, Kevie." she said.

Dejected, Kevin asked "Why not, babe?"

Brittany explained "Because between paying the bills and putting aside for the kids college funds my paycheck is stretched as far as it can go."

"But, babe," Kevin whined, "I'm saving my money from clown gigs to buy a new car."

Brittany is adamant.

"Sorry," she said, "But you'll have to spend it on a lawn mower instead."

"Aw, Man!"

Kevin grabs his car keys.

"I'm off to buy a lawn mower. I'll probably be gone all afternoon. Later, Babe."

Brittany blew Kevin a kiss.

"Bye, Kevie."

With that, Kevin left. As soon as he was gone Brittany picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Daryl...Kevin's gonna be gone all day, I have the whole house to myself...Looking forward to it, stud."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the following afternoon...**

Jim is in the front yard mowing the lawn with his small red riding mower. Suddenly, Kevin pulls up to him driving a green riding mower with all manner of fancy gadgets on it. Jim is so impressed that he shuts off his mower and walks over to Kevin.

"Nice!" said Jim, "Is that a John Greene?"

Kevin nodded.

"Yeah, Dude."

At this point Mack and Chuck walk up.

Mack said "Nice mower, Kevin."

Kevin bragged "V-twin engine, state of the art controls, a cupholder and shocks that can handle the toughest terrain...all for a price I probably can't afford."

Chuck asked "Then how did you pay for it?"

"Duh, Upchuck," said Kevin, "I put it on a platinum card. By the way Jim," Kevin gets a platinum card out of his pocket and hands it to Jim, "I borrowed this to pay for the mower. Hope you don't mind."

Angrily snatching the card, Jim said "You took my card without asking!?"

Kevin said "Yeah, sorry about that dude. Don't be surprised if there's a $10,000.00 charge on the next bill. Also, you're gonna be paying installments until the entire $30,000.00 is payed off. Thanks again, dude."

Jim is now absolutely livid.

"YOU TOOK MY CARD WITHOUT ASKING AND MAXED IT OUT!?"

It suddenly dawns on Kevin just how inconsiderate that move was. He now has a goofy yet sheepish look on his face.

"Sorry."

Jim snarled "Do I at least get to use the mower, since I'm the one who's actually paying for it?"

Kevin shook his head.

"Pretty sure that'd void the warranty. Later, dude."

Kevin rides off in his fancy new mower while Jim looks like he wants to kill someone.

* * *

 **Thompson house, a short time later...**

Kevin has just parked his new lawn mower. Mack and Chuck are admiring the new lawn mower while Jim is still trying to contain the urge to bash Kevin's skull in.

"Check out the even cut of my grass," he bragged, "Are any of your mowers capable of cutting grass that even?"

Jim and Mack shake their heads.

Chuck said "Even the professional service that does my lawn can't get it that even."

Kevin said "Yeah, I have the best mower in the neighborhood now."

Through gritted teeth, Jim said "Technically, it's my mower."

"No it itsn't." said Kevin.

Jim retorted with "You paid for it with MY credit card."

Kevin said "Okay, dude. How about I gas up your mower from now on, even thought it's a piece of junk?"

Offended, Jim said "No, it isn't."

Mack said "That's outta bounds, Kevin."

Kevin bragged "No, it isn't. I have the best mower. It's like I'm the QB again. I can even mow my lawn in a hurricane with this baby. Can your mower do that, Mack-Daddy?"

"No," said Mack, "And quit calling me that!"

Kevin turned to Jim.

"Can you mow your lawn during a hurricane?"

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Why the hell would I do that?"

"'Cause I can," said Kevin, "But you can't." Upon noticing the angry look on Jim's face, he added "What's the matter, Jim? You jealous?"

Jim is now fuming as it's obvious this mower has inflated Kevin's ego.

* * *

 **Thompson house, evening...**

Brittany has opened a window and is waiting for her lover, Daryl, intending to sneak him in through the window. Kevin's new riding mower is parked right in front of the window. When Daryl shows up he climbs over the mower as Brittany starts to help him through the window. Suddenly, a light comes on. Daryl and Brittany look over to see Kevin standing outside the house aiming a shotgun at Daryl. This prompts Brittany to emit a frightened "EEP!".

"I KNEW IT!" shouted Kevin.

Daryl said "KEVIN! We...we never meant for you to find out like this, I SWEAR!"

Kevin hissed "Well, now I know what you're up to. YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY NEW LAWN MOWER!"

Puzzled, Brittany said "Um...what!?"

Kevin said "Babe, it's obvious he was trying to steal my lawn mower and you're trying to stop him."

Daryl thought _You've gotta be kidding me._

Kevin said "I won't press charges...as long as you get inside the house and give my wife a free workout session."

In utter disbelief, Daryl said "You're kidding!?"

Kevin cocked his gun to show he was serious.

To Brittany, Daryl whispered "He's actually taking some of the fun out of this."

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the following weekend...**

Jim is in the garage trying to start his lawn mower. All the mower will do is make popping noises and quit. Mack shows up.

"Hey, Jim. Something wrong with the mower?"

Jim said "Damn thing won't start."

Mack said "Didn't Kevin gas you up this morning?"

Jim visibly becomes suspicious. He takes a siphoning hose and sucks some fuel out of his tank. He tastes it and immediately realizes it's not gasoline.

"He filled my gas tank with soda!"

At this point, Kevin walks by with an arrogant smirk on his face.

"Jim, I, like, totally punked you! I have a cool mower and yours doesn't even work!"

As Kevin walks away laughing Jim and Mack scowl angrily at him.

Mack said "That new mower's gone to his head. He's even worse than Chan Wang."

Jim's eyes narrow as he says "I think something VERY bad is about to happen to Kevin's new lawn mower."

* * *

 **Thompson house, the next day...**

Kevin opens his garage. Since the encouter with Daryl the previous weekend he's been locking the mower up at night. As the garage door opens Kevin makes a horrific discovery...his new mower's gone!

"What the hell!?"

Kevin sees a note on the floor. He picks it up. It's typed and reads "WE HAVE YOUR MOWER!". Kevin falls to his knees.

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

 **A little while later...**

Kevin, Jim, Mack and Chuck are in Jim's man cave drinking beer and talking. Kevin is chain smoking and looks totally distraught.

"Oh, Man! Oh, Man! Oh, Man!"

Jim, in a suspicious tone, asked "Something wrong, Kevin?"

"My new mower," Kevin said as he put out one cigarette and lit another, "It's gone. Someone stole my mower!"

Mack said "Really!? That's such a shame, it was a nice mower."

Kevin frantically said "It was my mower, and now it's gone. GONE!"

Chuck asked "Who would do such a thing?"

Playing along, Jim said "Whoever did it must've had a reason."

"Why?" asked Kevin, "Why would someone do this to me? My mower was an innocent victim!"

Mack asked "Have you done anything to piss anyone off lately?"

Kevin scratches his head in thought.

"Ummm...uhh...ummmm...I don't think so."

Jim said "How about stealing my credit card, maxing it out to pay for a new mower and putting soda instead of gasoline in my mower?"

"Come on," said Kevin, "This was the work of someone who has it in for me. I need to find out who. I, like, won't rest until I find out who stole my mower."

Trying not to laugh, Jim said "Well, you'd better get on the case, then."

Kevin said "Good idea." He gets up to leave. "Wish me luck, guys."

Once Kevin's gone the other guys start laughing.

"Man," said Mack, "We've totally punked him."

Chuck asked "How long before we return it?"

Shrugging, Jim said "I'd say a few weeks. That should be long enough for Kevin to learn his lesson."

The three of them resume laughing.

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Quinn is walking through the downstairs hallway toward the door to the garage. What she sees when she opens the door makes her gasp. Kevin's mower is right there. Quinn immediately closes the door and makes her way to the home office. There, she finds Jim going through some paperwork.

"Jim," said Quinn, "What's Kevin's new riding mower doing in our garage?"

Jim said "Relax, Quinn, it's just a prank."

Quinn folds her arms and has a stern expression on her face.

"A prank!?," she said, "How did you even get it here? The Thompson's have surveilence cameras."

Jim said "I brought Mack and Chuck in on it. Chuck hacked into the security system and disabled the cameras long enough for Mack and I to sneak into their garage and push the mower out of there and into our own garage."

Quinn raises and eyebrow.

"You pushed a riding mower?"

Jim said "Didn't wanna alert anyone by running the engine."

Quinn asked "And why are you doing this?"

Jim explained "Because Kevin stole my credit card and used it to pay for that new mower. Having the best mower in the neighborhood also turned him into an asshole. He even put soda in the gas tank of my mower. I figured it was payback time."

Quinn said "So, you and the guys are messing with Kevin to get even with him for being an inconsiderate jerk?"

Now a little nervous, Jim said "Yeah...um, why?"

Quinn's stern expression now becomes a sly grin.

"If you really wanna mess with Kevin," she said, "Do this."

She immediately whispers in her husband's ear. He likes what he hears.

* * *

 **Thompson house, a few days later...**

A visibly sleep deprived and unshaven Kevin is sitting in the basement. He's obsessively looking at the phone when Brittany came in.

"Kevie?"

This startles Kevin so much that he jumps out of his seat.

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He calms down when he sees that it's Brittany.

"Sorry, babe. You scared me."

Brittany said "That's okay, Kevie." She hands him a manilla envelope. "This was in the mail."

The envelope has cut out letters that spell "For Kevin Thompson" and no return address. He opens the envelope and the contents cause his eyes to go wide. It's an enlarged photograph of his lawn mower. The image has been photoshopped so that it looks like a bunch of gray aliens are probing the lawn mower. Kevin, on the other hand, draws his own conclusion.

"IT WAS ALIENS! THEY STOLE MY MOWER!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Kevin, Jim, Chuck and Mack are in the Jim's basement man cave drinking beer. Kevin is wearing only a wife beater t-shirt and boxer shorts. He looks like he hasn't slept for days and smells like he hasn't bathed in all that time either.

"I can't believe it," he said, "Aliens stole my lawn mower!"

Mack and Chuck helped Jim photoshop the image. All three of them are struggling not to laugh.

Jim said "So, your lawn mower was taken by space men."

Kevin said "Why? I asked Artie and he said the grays have it in for me. It's the only explanation."

Chuck decided to put icing on the cake.

"I got this in the mail," he said, "It came with instructions to give it to you as soon as I could."

Chuck hands another photo to Kevin. It's another picture of Kevin's mower. The photo has a desert background and two armed soldiers standing guard by the mower.

Mack takes his turn and hands Kevin another picture.

"I got this one in the mail."

Kevin looks at the picture. It shows a guy dressed in the colors of LA's infamous Crips brandishing an AK-47 next to Kevin's mower. Kevin freaks.

"WHO'S TAUNTING ME!? First aliens, now this. Why would aliens, soldiers and gangsters work together just to stick it to me."

Jim said "Kevin, maybe a nap and a shower would clear your head."

Kevin gets right in Jim's face. He has a wild look in his eyes, as if he were tripping out on glitterberries.

"ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND, JIM!? I CAN'T SLEEP AND BATHE NOW, I NEDD TO FIGURE OUT WHY SOLDIERS, ALIENS AND GANG-BANGERS STOLE MY MOWER!" He shakes Jim and he continues his rant. "I WON'T REST UNTIL I HAVE MY MOWER BACK! I WON'T WASH OR EAT OR DO ANYTHING BUT TRY TO GET BACK MY MOWER! I'LL, LIKE, SOLVE THE MYSTERY! HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH! BURRRRR...HA HA HA, NYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Kevin runs out of ther cackling like a mad man. Once he's gone Chuck snickers.

"We totally got him! heh-heh...He's actually going crazy! hee-hee."

Jim now feels guilty and says nothing.

* * *

 **Kevin's basement, a few nights later...**

Kevin has not slept, eaten or washed since the lawn mower was taken. He now has a short unkempt beard as he hasn't shaven either. He sits there alone. Brittany comes in and looks VERY concerned.

"Um...Kevie?"

Kevin looks at his wife with bloodshot eyes and a psychotic expression.

"WHAT!?"

"EEP!"

Brittany quickly regains her composure.

"Babe," she said, "Me and the kids are worried."

Kevin said "I'm worried too. That's why I haven't slept, washed, eaten or shaved in...um...How long has it been since the mower was stolen?"

Brittany said "A week...I think."

"I have to figure out who stole my mower and why. I HAVE TO!"

Nervous, Brittany said "Kevie, you're scaring me!"

Kevin said "My lawn mower was stolen, probed by aliens, held hostage by soldiers AND messed with by the Crips and YOU'RE Scared!?"

"Kevie, this isn't healthy."

Kevin said "Leave me alone. I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO STOLE MY MOWER!"

Brittany sighed and left. Once she was gone Kevin looked thoughtful. He suddenly gets and idea.

"Aliens, soldiers, a member of the Crips...Of course! My mower's at Area 51. THE GOVERNMENT STOLE MY MOWER! I'LL SHOW THOSE...those...What's that word for freedom hating psychos...fasochists?"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, the next day...**

Jim, Mack and Chuck are in Jim's garage looking at Kevin's mower.

Chuck said "You guys wanna take another picture. I'll photoshop Neo-Nazi's into this one."

Jim sighed.

"Actually, I think we should give the mower back and tell Kevin it was all just a prank."

Mack said "Jim's right. Brittany called me last night and told me Kevin hasn't slept, eaten or taken a shower in over a week now. I think things have gone too far."

Chuck protested "But this is so much fun. It's funny to watch Kevin lose his mind."

"No, it isn't," said Mack, "I'll admit it was funny at first but I never wanted it to go this far. Kevin's becoming completely unhinged."

Jim added "He's right. This was funny at first but the fact remains that messing with Kevin's mind probably wasn't such a good idea. We've damaged a structure that, frankly, wasn't up to code to begin with. Let's just return the mower and tell him it was all just a prank."

* * *

 **Thompson house, a short time later...**

Kevin's mower is back in his garage while Jim's talking to Brittany.

"Sorry Kevin isn't here," she said, "But he had a birthday party booked. I convinced him not to cancel the gig."

Jim said "When he gets back tell him it was us and that it was just a prank."

Nodding, Brittany said "I don't get why you guys did this in the first place. I mean, tricking Kevie's not that hard. Me and Daryl have been doing it for years."

* * *

 **Meanwhile, at another house...**

A bunch of little kids and their parents are seated in the living room. Kevin's there because it's the clown gig he booked a month before. The parents look disappointed because Kevin isn't in his clown suit or makeup. He also didn't bring any of his gag toys. He's wearing only a wife-beater and boxer shorts, he smells, his hair is a mess and his eyes are bloodshot from sleep deprivation. All he brought with him was a back pack.

One of the kids whined "I thought we were gonna see a clown."

The birthday boy's mother walks up to Kevin.

"Mr. Thompson, what gives? I booked you to perform, not look drugged out while smelling like a zoo."

Kevin says nothing but reaches into the backpack. He pulls out...an Uzi.

"AHHHHH!"

Aiming at the audience, Kevin shouted "NOBODY MOVE, I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU HOSTAGE!"

Terrified, the mother asked "What do you want?"

Kevin said "I want you to give me a phone. I want the government to give me back my lawn mower..." he wildly waves his guns in the air,"...OR I'LL WASTE EVERY GODDAMN ONE OF YOU! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, HYAGAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

* * *

 **Casa Carbone, a short time later...**

Jim and Quinn are in the living room talking. Jim is telling Quinn that he decided to return Kevin's lawn mower and tell him it was all a prank.

"...but Kevin's at a clown gig so I just told Brittany. She'll let me know when he gets back so I can apologize in person."

Quinn said "I have to admit if I'd known Kevin would totally lose it I never would've suggested giving him doctored photos. I'm sorry I even suggested it."

Jim said "Well, now that he has his mower back hopefully things can return to normal around here."

Just then, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it." said Quinn as she went to answer the door. It's Sandi, and she looks frantic.

"Quinn, you need to turn on the TV...NOW!"

Sandi and Quinn go to the TV.

"Hey, Sandi." said Jim.

Sandi said nothing as Quinn turned on the TV. On the screen is an image of Stacy at the anchor's desk.

Stacy: (from TV) "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking report. A hostage situation has erupted in Lawndale. Gale Masters is on the scene."

The TV cuts to the house Kevin's at. It's surrounded by police. The reporter, Gale, talks.

Gale: "One Kevin Thompson has barracaded himself inside a house. He's a local clown for hire who was supposed to perform at a birthday party but has taken the parents and children hostage at gunpoint."

Jim and Quinn are absolutely horrified, especially when they see Kevin through the window with an Uzi holding a child at gunpoint.

* * *

 **The standoff, a short time later...**

Police have the house surrounded but haven't yet made a move since Kevin has hostages. One of the cops is on a portable phone.

"Mr. Thompson, I've got you on speaker."

The cop activates a radio and places the cordless phone on it. Kevin's voice comes on.

"Like, let's talk."

The negotiator said "Mr. Thompson, why are you holding a bunch of parents and children hostage."

Through the speaker, Kevin said "The government stole my lawn mower, I wan't it back."

The negotiator raises an eyebrow.

"You're lawn mower!?"

Kevin barked "That's right. You return my lawn mower and no one gets hurt."

Another cop said to his partner "He's doing this over a lawn mower!?"

The other cop spun his finger along side his head and said "Coo-coo."

The negotiator said "We'll get you your mower. Just put down the gun, let the parents and kids go and we can talk about this."

Kevin shouted "YOU THINK I'M STUPID! I let them go and you guys will just waste me. No deal until I have my mower and a ticket to ...um...Costa Rica?...or...I dunno...Tahiti?"

The negotiator said "We'll get you a ticket to a non extradition country if you just let the hostages go and put down your weapon. No one needs to die."

Inside the house, Kevin puts down the phone and grabs a little girl from the crowd.

"MOMMIEEEEEE!"

Kevin holds the terrified child in front of the window so the cops can see. He next takes her away from the window, grabs a birthday balloon and pops it. Then, he shoves the girl back to the rest of the hostages. He picks up the phone.

"I just killed a hostage. YOU STILL WANNA SCREW WITH ME!?"

Outside, Jim and Quinn arrive on the scene.

"What are you two doing here?" asked a cop by the line of police tape.

Quinn said "We know the gunman. He's our next door neighbor."

Jim said "We can get him to let the hostages go."

The cop raises the police tape and allows Quinn and Jim through. They go to the police chief.

"Who are you?"

Jim said "We're his neighbors."

The cop who let them through said "They say they can convince him to surrender."

The chief said "Are you nuts? I'm not putting civillians at risk."

Jim said "I know Kevin. He's not a killer. This is just a bluff because he wants his lawn mower back."

The chief said "Why are you doing this?"

Jim explained "Because this whole situation is my fault. I stole his mower as a prank. I never would've done it if I'd known he'd go this far off the rails."

"He's already killed one hostage."

Jim shook his head.

"Did you see it?"

The chief shook his head as he said "No, but we heard the gunshot."

Rolling his eyes, Jim said "It's a children's birthday party and there are balloons. A popping balloon sounds just like a gun firing."

The negotiator said "He's right, chief. I dug up this guys record. He's clean. He doesn't even have a history of mental illness...unless being the village idiot counts."

Quinn said "That's what we're trying to tell you. This is just a thoughtless bluff."

Jim added "He'll listen to me. Just let me go in there and talk to him."

The chief is doubtful. Quinn decided to turn on the charm.

"Please?," she said as she batted her eyes at the police chief and spoke in a flirty tone, "I'd REALLY appreciate it."

The chief is immediately taken.

"Fine."

Quinn smiled.

 _Quinn, you've still got it._

* * *

 **Just outside the police line...**

There's a red pick up truck with an NRA logo on it. Three men in camoflage step out. They're obviously wannabe soldiers. One of them said "The police can't handle this. We need to make a citizens arrest."

Another got a sniper rifle out of the bed of the truck.

"I'll look for a good vantage point, then take him down quick."

The third NRA guy said "Then we'll be hero's."

* * *

 **Inside the house...**

Kevin has his Uzi pointed at the hostages. One of the mothers begged "Please, just let us go!"

Pointing the gun at her, Kevin shouted "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

Suddenly, he hears the door open. He turns and aims only to find Jim standing in the doorway with his hands up.

"Relax, Kevin," said Jim, "I'm unarmed and alone. See."

Jim pulls a walkie talkie out of his pocket.

"All I have is this. I convinced the cops not to do anything until I tell them too."

Jim closes the door behind him and walks toward Kevin.

"Kevin, what the hell are you doing?"

Kevin said "Getting my mower back?"

Jim said "By taking a bunch of innocent people hostage, half of them children!?"

Kevin said "Like, how else am I gonna get the government to return my mower?"

Jim looks at Kevin's Uzi and notices something off about the weapon.

"You can't shoot anyone."

Kevin said "I will if I have to."

Crowding Kevin, Jim said "No, you won't."

Aming the gun, Kevin said "Stay back."

Jim moves to rush Kevin. Kevin shoots Jim with...water. It turns out the Uzi is really just a water pistol.

"I should've known."

Jim snatches the 'gun' from Kevin.

"You took a bunch of hostages with a water pistol."

"Duh, Jim. You honestly think I'd shoot a bunch of innocent people. I'm not psycho."

Putting down the water pistol, Jim said "Coulda fooled me." He takes the walkie talkie. "It's all right. His gun's just a harmless water pistol."

Kevin said "DUDE! How am I gonna get my mower back now!?"

Jim sighed.

"Kevin, the government didn't take your mower. I did."

Kevin is stunned speechless.

Jim explained "It was just a prank. I did it to get back at you for stealing my credit card and putting soda in my gas tank."

"So," said Kevin, "The government didn't take my mower? What about the pictures?"

Jim said "Chuck and Mack were in on it. Chuck photo shopped them. The only thing real in those pictures is the mower."

Kevin immediately sat down on the floor and hung his head in shame.

"God, I'm such an idiot."

Jim has a 'well, duh' expression on his face.

Kevin said "You know what really sucks about this, man? I thought you were my friend. I only took your card because I thought you'd be cool with it because we're buds. I considered you one of my besties, but now...now I just don't know."

Jim feels guilty for a second, then loses his patience.

"Dammit, Kevin," he said, "I AM your friend. Hell, I'm as good a friend as a thoughtless, pathetic man-child like you is ever gonna have."

Kevin said "If you're my friend, why'd you punk me?"

Jim said "Because I was pissed off and wanted to even the score. I could've pressed charges after you stole my card, but I didn't because we're friends. Look, I'm sorry I stole your mower. I just wanted to get back at you for being a thoughtless ass."

Kevin looks at Jim for a second. Finally, he stands up.

"Apology accepted, dude."

Jim smiled.

"By the way, Quinn used her natural charm to get the cops to drop the charges against you if you let the hostages go."

Kevin has a goofy grin.

"Cool."

* * *

 **Outside, a short time later...**

The hostages are now safely out of the house. Jim and Kevin come out. Something suddenly catches Kevin's eye. Across the street from the house is an apartment complex.

"Jim," said Kevin, "What's that on the roof of the apartment building?"

Jim looks and sees the NRA guy aiming a sniper rifle at Kevin.

"VIGILANTE!"

The sniper opens fire. Jim shoves Kevin out of the way and takes a bullet right in the chest. As he falls to the ground the cops rush the apartment building in order to take down the sniper. Kevin is horrified.

"JIM...NOOO!"

Kevin kneels next to Jim.

"Dude, you really are my friend! You...You took a bullet for me."

Kevin is about to cry when Jim suddenly sits up and says "Damn, that stung like hell."

Kevin freaks.

"AHHHHH! ZOMBIE!"

Jim said "Relax, Kevin. I'm not a zombie."

Puzzled, Kevin said "But...you took a bullet in the heart."

Jim smiles as he unbuttons his shirt. It turns out that he's wearing a bulletproof vest.

"Before letting me go in the cops put this vest on me."

Visibly hurt, Kevin said "You...You thought I was gonna shoot you!?"

Sheepish, Jim said "Yeah, but I also thought you'd feel so guilty that you would've shot yourself right after."

Smniling, Kevin said "I would've, too."

The two friends hug.

 **The End.**

* * *

Well, that wraps up the first season of "Life After Thirty", but I do plan on continuing with this.


End file.
